Ah, time for another of Roar Comics’ modern day adaptations, and it looks to be talking about Kelly’s singing career. I wonder if this will be the Kelly who sucks ass at singing or the one who sings for Zack Attack?
We open in the hallway to discover that Bayside is a lot busier than we were ever lead to believe on the show. Hell, there are students everywhere, and apparently a football game going on as well. Naturally, there are no adults in sight to keep order so shit’s out of control. Some things never change, no matter what version of this franchise you’re watching.
In any case, Kelly tells the gang there’s going to be auditions for America’s Next Pop Diva, because using American Idol‘s name in this could have gotten Roar Comics sued. Lisa loves looking at the hot guys on it while Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Other things straw feminists say! Reality shows teach kids all you need to do in life to get ahead is have luck!”
Kelly wants to audition so Slater convinces her to sing something. She sings a line from The Star Spangled Banner, and here’s the problem with using this plot for the comic: we can’t hear Kelly sing so we have to take the characters’ words for it whether she was good or not. Screech mumbles she sucks ass but Zack Morris thinks Kelly was super awesome. You really need to know about the characters from the show here to get this. After all, who are you going to believe: the complete moron or the lecherous asshole who wants to fuck Kelly?
At the auditions, Screech brings along Kevin to cheer Kelly on by explaining her music doesn’t suck ass. Once again, do we believe the complete idiot?
Some producers for the show spot Screech and Kevin and instantly think they have ratings gold, even though this is a song about singing. Rather than being amazed that a complete moron built artificial intelligence and they haven’t heard about it on the news, they want to know whether Kevin can sing. Screech says he programmed Kevin with lots of songs, and I sure hope they’re all sung in that monotone from the show.
Screech demonstrates how Kevin can both sing and dance, and I have to admit: this is my favorite panel in the comic: getting to see Kevin whack the shit out of Screech, simply because I enjoy seeing Screech in as much pain as possible.
Kelly’s pissed as the producers take Screech and Kevin through to the front of the line while ignoring her because they must have watched reruns on MTV to see how much she sucks ass at singing.
In the audition, Screech demonstrates how Kevin can do any dance style stereotypically, including this version of what Screech believes is hip hop. So, if Kevin is wearing pants here, does that mean most of the time he’s flashing us? Oh, the questions of artificial intelligence!
The producers send Screech home for the day, telling him to come back tomorrow for a follow-up audition. But the producer conspires with the cameraman to get a clip up on the web by the end of the day, saying they’re going to make it go viral. Number one, that would be the job of your editor, not the cameraman. Number two, do you even know how the internet works?
Apparently not because, back at Bayside, Mr. Belding’s seen the clip of Screech because he frequents YouTube rather than controlling misbehavior in the hallways and loves how awesome that is because Mr. Belding is easily impressed. Kevin and he are offered a record deal, which makes me wonder why he still needs to go on this show then, and Zack Morris wants to be his manager because it’s Zack Morris and shit. What else is he going to do. Also, I’m a bit creeped out that Screech is naming random stars after Lisa. I’m telling you: stalker behavior!
Back at the auditions, Kelly is turned away because plot and the producer reveals that they don’t really give a shit whether someone can actually sing or not. No, what they care about is singing, so they’ve got stupid acts lined up like a guy raised by monkeys, conjoined twins, and a girl who lives on a school bus. Hey, they all sound like better musical acts than Silento!
Zack Morris gets Screech and Kevin to print out a fake bio for Kelly to impress the producer, implying she’s raising a baby in prison and shit, which he believes because of the rule that adults are idiots in this universe unless it’s convenient to the plot.
He brings her in for an audition and everyone wants to hear all about life in prison because prisons frequently let prisoners out to audition for shitty reality shows. He even brings her baby brother in to act as her baby and she gets pissed as she realizes he did something that should be completely predictable coming from Zack Morris.
The judges tell Kelly she sucks ass as a singer, and she gets pissed off and tells them to fuck off because she’s going to be on 90210 and shit.
At The Max, Jessie and Lisa confirm that Kelly sucks ass as a singer in this universe and suggest Kelly should get revenge against Zack Morris. She’s hesitant at first until he comes in cocky and arrogant, selling free tickets to see Screech and Kevin.
Her brilliant plan is to give lots of people Zack Morris’s card as an agent so they’ll go see him to try and hire him, which seems stupid for the purposes of revenge since that’s actually helping him make more money. It works, though, and he closes his manager business because that was apparently a subplot.
The next day, Screech fires Zack Morris as manager, saying Kevin went on to the next round without him.
And our comic ends with Kevin channeling Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey as he plans to murder anyone who gets in his way of winning the competition. SCREECH, GET IN KEVIN’S WAY! QUICK! That way Roar Comics will never have to do a The New Class comic!
This one didn’t quite measure up to the last issue. The plot is all over the place. Nothing seems to have been resolved and nobody learned a lesson. Let’s hope this a fluke and not a sign of things to come.