Monthly Archives: June 2016

The New Class Season 5, Episode 25: “Mission: Control”

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We open at the wilderness lodge to discover that Ryan’s sudden instinct that he broke his leg last week was correct. I guess, after the Habitat for Humanity episodes, I should just be thankful the writers don’t think bones heal in a week. The rest of the gang return after a rafting trip and can barely contain their excitement at how awesome everything is. Ryan’s sad he couldn’t make it and wants to go for a hike, but Liz is all, “You can’t hike ten miles on a broken leg, idiot!” Liz says she’ll stay behind with him and this gets Ryan excited he may get pity sex, but Liz says they’ll pass the time with a hot game of strip Monopoly instead!

A better question is why Ryan wasn’t sent home if he broke his leg? I mean, they had to go to a hospital to get it cast and, being a minor, he had to have parental consent, so why didn’t his parents just take him home? But i guess that would make too much fucking sense and be way too medically sound!

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Screech and Shelly bring in Mr. Belding, who didn’t enjoy the rafting trip nearly as much as his students. He’s decided he’s done with this shit and he’s going to go bird watching instead. Screech starts to make fun of him for wanting to go bird watching but Mr. Belding’s all, “It’s better than your compulsive masturbation while watching reruns of Power Rangers!”

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And, the fuck out of nowhere, we get an indication that Nicky and Katie like each other again. It’s a good thing the writers on this show don’t have to worry about stupid things like foreshadowing and shit or they’d be in over their heads!

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Screech joins Mr. Belding for his bird watching so he can get more alone time with his secret gay crush and the two hear the call of a “yellow-billed hooting crane,” one of the rarest breeds of bird because it doesn’t actually exist. It apparently has a call that sounds like a donkey in pain, and Mr. Belding decides he needs to get a picture of it so he can be in science and nature magazines. Screech decides they should both get credit because he wants the world to know about his love for Mr. Belding!

Meanwhile, Shelly, the gang, and assembled extras hike to the same exact spot the gang camped out at last week since they didn’t want to have to build another set. They find the path littered with tree branch props since the hired help didn’t clean up after their prop fight and decide they need to clean it up. Nicky and Katie go to the path above to check it for debris and get a little something, something, and Eric does his best impersonation of the studio audience for this show as he realizes their forced romance is back on.

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Yes, they get up to the top, Katie tickles Nicky with tree branches, and they kiss, sending the audience into a tizzy for Team Kicky!

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Back at Cafe Grizzly, Ryan and Liz continue their rousing game of Monopoly as the rest of the gang come in and declare they were held up by Nicky and Katie fucking in the bushes. Liz pawns Eric off on Ryan so she can go off and hear the hot gossip!

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After Liz gives a recap of how Katie and Nicky broke up last season in case you don’t remember the awful, forced romance with Maria, Katie admits that it looks like she’ll be getting back together with Nicky for the final two seasons, but she learned her lesson from last time and she’s not letting Nicky out of her sight this time!

But there are more important things, like Eric’s pissed at Ryan for cheating at Monopoly!

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Meanwhile, Nicky and Katie return, having watched the sunrise together. Katie starts smothering Nicky with stupid little homemade presents like a framed picture of them on the raffle trip and a key chain made out of the twig she tickled him with. Maria watches all this and asks Katie what the fuck is up with her. Katie says she wants to make sure Nicky is always thinking of her and won’t go kissing Maria again and shit, but Maria’s all, “This is dumb as shit, even by this show’s standards.”

Really, the way they’re playing Katie this episode is completely out of character for her and really bad writing. I get that she’s scared of losing Nicky again, but this paranoid bull shit doesn’t feel right for her character at all.

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Mr. Belding and Screech arrive back after spending the night in a tree looking for their fake bird.  Yes, this was Screech’s idea and, of course, Mr. Belding went along with it because why the hell not? Mr. Belding says it’s hopeless as it’s mating season and the bird is probably searching for a mate, which gives Screech his weekly idea to humiliate Mr. Belding.

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Why, let’s hop around in stupid, unrealistic looking bird costumes because birds are fucking stupid and will want to mate with two very stupid looking men dressed in costumes that wouldn’t convince Mr. Magoo! Jesus, Mr. Belding has gone from the caring and compassionate school administrator to Screech’s bumbling sidekick. How humiliating for poor Dennis Haskins!

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Back at the lodge, Ryan wants to go on that evening’s overnight hike, but Liz reminds him that’s fucking stupid on a broken leg. She says she’ll stay with him again, but Nicky’s all, “I want some alone time with Ryan so I’ll do it this time!” This freaks Katie out because I guess she thinks Ryan and Nicky are going to fuck so she wants someone else to stay instead.  She says they should draw straws and whoever draws the short straw will stay with Ryan because it’s such a chore for someone to be with him. But, when no one’s looking, she breaks all four straws.

Eric picks first but he says that, since Katie knows which straw is the short straw, he should pick for her. Naturally, this means Katie stays behind, and she looks dejected as Nicky helps Shelly carry some shit and Maria comments on Nicky’s muscles because they’re all obviously going to have an orgy.

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Later, Katie sulks as she plays Monopoly with Ryan, obviously convinced that Nicky’s out there having orgies as she speaks. This sends her into full fantasy mode.

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And, in this fantasy, Nicky decides it was a mistake to break up with Maria.

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And Liz decides she picked the wrong brother, a helpful reminder that Nicky’s now dated the entire female cast this season.

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Even Shelly wants to get in on some statutory rape action!

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And, wouldn’t you know it, they all start an orgy with Nicky. Jesus, I was just kidding about that! My mind is warped from having watched five seasons of pure, unadulterated crap. I wonder what’s shaped her mind.

Katie immediately decides it’s time to go and catch Nicky in his orgy and insists on taking Ryan with her, though, you know, broken leg. I don’t get this. Why does she need Ryan with her? It’s not like he’s going to die if she’s not watching her. She was staying behind for company, not to be a babysitter.

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At the camp site, the remaining gang is busy watching the constellations and having a grand ‘ole time.

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That’s when their solitude is interrupted by two grown men in bird costumes who were attacked by coyotes because, you know, if a coyote attacked a human, all it would leave would be holes in the person’s clothes. As Mr. Belding and Screech leave to go back to the lodge, Shelly can’t believe she just saw that but Eric lets her know such stupidity is a regular occurrence on this show.

Nicky happens to fall in Maria and Liz’s lap while looking at constellations just as Katie comes around the bend with Ryan in tow. She accuses him of bullshit but he’s all, “This is stupid and we’re not getting back together if you’re going to follow me around wherever you go!” Also, I just noticed this is the exact same camp site from last week. I guess the gang must have really liked camping here.

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The next day, Eric’s the only member of the gang who will talk to Katie because he’s the only one not effected by this stupid plot. He tells her she needs to suck it up and not be psychotic to Nicky if she wants to date him. She doesn’t know, though, if she can not follow Nicky’s every move. I actually agree with Eric here, Yes, Nicky was a dick last season and Katie has every right not to date him again if she is unable to do so without being a complete and utter nut job.

Meanwhile, Liz and Maria tear Ryan a new one for going along with Katie’s stupidity. He’s all, “I can’t do anything on my broken leg but beat you all at Monopoly!” Maria tells him he hasn’t beat her and so the ultimate conclusion to the Monopoly subplot is on!

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The bird comes around again and Mr. Belding gets ready to try and get its photo. But Screech, like a complete idiot, breaks his camera. The two run off as coyotes howl in the distance.

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Maria beats Ryan at Monopoly four times in a row. How thrilling.

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And Mr. Belding says at least they got to see the bird, but Screech has photos of them in the bird costumes for the yearbook because he brought his camera and I guess had the coyotes take the pictures. But, if Screech had his camera, why didn’t he take a picture of the bird? God, I hate this stupid show!

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Katie apologizes to Shelly for being a psychopath the previous night and she accepts, assuring Katie she doesn’t follow the usual trope of enjoying underage sex on this show. Eric tells her there’s still one person to talk to…

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…and she goes over to apologize to Nicky. They decide maybe they should have talked about their trust issues as I yell, “No shit, Sherlock!” Nicky says they need trust and to take things slow, and our episode ends with them having a dance to take it slow, even though they’ve already been making out.

Well, this was better than last week’s episode, but that’s like saying the Cubs are a better baseball team than my town’s little league team: it doesn’t get them any closer to winning the championship.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 24: “Into the Woods”

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Oh good. We’re opening on a matte painting with obviously fake trees and flowers in front of it similar to the horribly fake outdoor scenes from the ranch and ski lodge episodes of seasons two and three. I guess that means we’re about to have yet another arc away from Bayside because why should a show about high school take place in high school? So we’ve been to Paris, the mall, and to build a house in two weeks this season. How will we top those episodes? And how long have Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang been away from Bayside this year?

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Why, in the woods. As you can see, Screech is doing his best “I’ve got to shit” face in anticipation of doing survivalist shit. Turns out they’ve been on this trip many times before because they’re hardly ever at Bayside doing their fucking jobs. The writers just never showed them on this trip before because our gang has never been on it, and they’re the only six students at Bayside who matter. Also, Screech threatens to put on a loin cloth and run through the woods. I think I just threw up a little.

We quickly meet Shelly, who works for wherever the hell we are as a guide (we’re never actually told; just that we’re in the mountains and, for all I know, this could be taking place in the Alps while they were in France). She tells them to get a bite to eat in the conveniently located Grizzly Cafe and then they’ll meet for orientation. And, if you think Shelly looks familiar, that’s because she played Zack Morris’s fantasy manager in “Rockumentary,” the one that broke up Zack Attack. She’ll also be in California Dreams as a teacher later because Peter Engel loves reusing actors.

So we quickly establish our plot points and it’s not yet clear which is going to be our main plot this episode. First, Maria’s fucking stupid when it comes to nature and thinks an obviously stuffed bear in the cafe may be real. She also complains a lot. Second, Nicky and Eric brought a portable television with them. Which will win out as our lame main plot? Stay tuned and see!

So it’s time to watch orientation. And what sort of orientation does our gang need for hiking and camping, you ask?

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Why, rock climbing of course! Yes, our gang need to learn how to climb mountains in case Screech’s incompetence gets them stranded up one!

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And the balance beam, because…it gives us a chance to see Screech act like a fucking moron and knock Mr. Belding off it. Why is he allowed to be responsible for young lives?

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And last is first aid, as Screech is allowed to demonstrate how to turn Mr. Belding into a mummy if he has a broken arm. Again, why?

The recurring theme throughout all this is Maria either sucks ass at everything or is scared of it. Since the stupid television thing with Nicky and Eric hasn’t come up again yet, I’m assuming Maria’s going to be the main plot, somehow.

Shelly partners the gang off in twos so they can help each other. Katie and Liz, Nicky and Eric, and Ryan and Maria will each be in teams. Liz asks if she can be with Ryan so they can go off and fuck, but Shelly says Ryan’s the most experienced camper and, without him, Maria’s likely to die and shit.

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So after that little five minutes of time wasting which resembles no orientation for any school camping trip I ever went on, we find ourselves at the camp site, which is conveniently located at the same rocks Screech once modeled in front of in the season three ski lodge episodes. Maria won’t stop bitching and moaning because she hates hiking and camping and shit, which leads me to ask why she came along in the first place? For fuck’s sake, Rachel’s the one I would have expected to be like this when she was on the show and she never complained half as bad about shit as Maria.

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Nicky and Eric have self-inflating air mattresses they brought along for the trip because air mattresses aren’t roughing it and shit. None of them brought tents along. I think that’s roughing it enough, especially if a storm comes through.

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And Mr. Belding discovers that Screech unpacked all their supplies and replaced them with bricks because he wants Mr. Belding to have to catch their dinner. Fucking hell…Screech really is going to kill Mr. Belding! Why is he in charge of anything?

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That night around the campfire, most of the gang enjoy their dinner while Maria pushes it aside, horrified at being asked to eat shit. Mr. Belding eats some berries he found shortly before finding out Screech has now hidden his sleeping bag because Screech is going to get every person on this trip killed before the episode is over.

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And Nicky and Eric watch a football game while eating popcorn they somehow popped. I still haven’t figured that one out…

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During the night, Maria won’t stop fucking complaining about everything and she finally drive Shelly crazy enough that she says if Maria will fucking go to sleep, she’ll get Ryan to take her back to the lodge in the morning. Now, as we’re soon to find out, that’s a six hour trip and she’s sending two teenagers alone, one of whom is a fucking nutcase, which has to nullify some liability forms. I guess it’s better than the alternative, though: send Maria with Screech.

In the morning, we see that Eric can somehow access the internet in pre-WiFi days because the writers don’t understand how the internet works.

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Ryan gets so tired of Maria’s complaining that he decides to take a shortcut through another matte painting. Why do I get the idea that, for them, “roughing it” means hanging out in a bad natural history museum for the night?

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They come up to a one person bridge, and takes her backpack off to go across but freezes up in the middle. Ryan takes his back pack off to help her out, but their combined weight is too much for the bridge and they just barely make it across before the bridge snaps. But, oh no! Their backpacks, with the map, are trapped on the other side of the matte painting! What will they do?

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Meanwhile, the rest of the gang are making lean-tos for some reason, even though, as we’ll see, they’re not spending another night outside. Shelly scolds Nicky and Eric for making theirs out of nails and glue because TECHNOLOGY EVIL and shit, even though everyone except Mr. Belding and Screech are eating purchased food. Also, somehow, they can power a toaster in the middle of nowhere.

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Speaking of the Dumbass Duo, Mr. Belding, while trying to catch a squirrel, ends up catching a skunk in stead and gets sprayed because it’s his fault for trusting his life with the dumbest administrative assistant in the history of forever.

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Checking back in on Ryan and Maria, they’re hopelessly lost and Ryan finally loses it about Maria’s idiocy. He goes off on her, telling her this whole stupid shit is her fault but then softens his stance when he realizes he’s hurt her feelings because of shit.

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But then Ryan trips on a prop rock and instantly knows from his career week training last week that he’s broken his leg, meaning they’ll surely die now because Maria will just sit around complaining that Ryan’s broken his leg and shit.

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Back at the Grizzly Cafe, Shelly scolds Screech for not bringing his supplies, which completely contradicts her previous scolding of Nicky and Eric but fuck if the writers care because they’re done with that subplot. Katie and Liz run in and say Ryan and Maria are missing, so Shelly instantly decides to send out search parties because they couldn’t possibly be in the bathroom.

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Back at Team Lost, Maria’s suddenly turned into Bear Grylls and starts a fire with sticks and shit. Ryan passes out because broken legs apparently have that effect in this universe. Maria turns to the one option she has left and prays to God. I hate to break it to you, Maria: if God gave a shit about this show, he would have gotten NBC to cancel it about four seasons ago before the abomination Screech came on.

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Back at the cabin, Shelly’s recalled the search teams for the night and Mr. Belding tries to console Liz by telling her the rangers will continue looking. Screech, on the other hand, is a fucking shitbag and tells Ryan and Maria’s friends they’re probably dead and shit. Shelly comes in, having found Ryan and Maria’s backpacks. And we get our message of the episode from Nicky and Eric. Care to guess what it is?

“Take survival shit seriously.” Not, “Don’t go down unmarked trails,” or, “Don’t send two teenagers off in the woods alone,” or even, “Don’t let the fucking dumb ass Screech anywhere near your supplies.” It’s, “Take survival shit seriously.”

Part of me wants to scream at how idiotic this entire episode is. But then there’s the part of me that’s died inside because I think I’ve found the single stupidest scenario for a The New Class episode ever. Well, maybe not quite as stupid as Mr. Belding running around Paris with his head plastered or building a house in two weeks, but certainly the most irritating because they haven’t thought any of this shit through.

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Back at Maria and Ryan’s grave site, Ryan wakes up to find Maria’s still in full Bear Grylls mode, having set Ryan’s broken bone and gotten water to wash his face and gotten him berries to eat and shit. They hear a helicopter and decide it must be a search party so Maria decides she needs to climb up a cliff so they can see her.

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Maria makes it and signals the helicopter with her best Titanic impression, and the episode quite literally ends with Maria saying she somehow knows they found her as Peter Engel’s name comes on to sign off on this whole stupid episode.

Jesus Christ! This episode was painful!  Can we never have that excruciating of an episode again? I mean, every time I think I’m heading towards home stretch on this series, I get something awful like this to make it seem like the next twenty-eight episodes will never end. This may have been the worst episode of the series to date.

Firsts: Shelly, Camp Grizzly, the wilderness.

The New Class Season 5, Episode 23: “Private Peterson”

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Back at Bayside this week (imagine that, a show about high school taking place at high school!), and it’s time for that annual-when-the-writers-are-out-of-ideas event, Career Week! Aren’t you so excited to find out what these Saved by the Bell wanna bes are going to be when they grow-up/

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Well, we open to find Mr. Belding wants everyone to be a principal, but no one else wants the job except Screech who, if the fates willing, will not be allowed alone with a child without adult supervision. Mr. Belding’s depressed that everyone hates his table since that kid Ryan and Tommy D chased off back in season three isn’t around anymore, but Screech, in his usual level of helpfulness, offers doughnuts, which get people to come to the table and promptly run away.

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Meanwhile, Katie and Eric, being our resident poor students, get reeled into ROTC when the instructor mentions scholarships. They’re initially skeptical until the lieutenant here is all, “It’s going to cost us a lot more to write an actual original script if you don’t go with this, so just play along,” and they’re fair game.

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As for the rest of the gang? Liz wants to be a doctor and Ryan decides to be a doctor as well, presumably so he can fuck Liz in some sick role play fantasy. Maria wants to be a lawyer because she’s the most pushy and arrogant of the group, and Nicky decides to be a lawyer because why the hell not. No, this isn’t out of order and suddenly Maria and Nicky are dating again. It’s just Nicky doesn’t have an original bone in his body this episode.

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And it’s already time for ROTC shit! There’s some weird shit here, like one guy putting barbed wire around his locker because…hell if I know? The lieutenant complements Katie and we get the first hint of how horrible this plot is going to be as the other cadets are all, “Eww! Girls!”

The lieutenant instructs them to choose a squad leader, and the others nominate Eric since he’s a member of the cast and not a girl. The lieutenant instructs them to march around a bunch so the other cast members can have time in this episode and Eric instructs Katie to leave. Suddenly, though, the rest of the squad stop following her because COOTIES AND VAGINA AND SHIT!

 

In the hallway, Ryan and Liz need a subject for a medical evaluation since they’re doctors and shit. They need someone who would make a really interesting specimen.

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Oh, glorious day, someone finally recognized that Screech has something seriously wrong with him, even if it is two high school students on The New Class pretending to be doctors! I always knew Screech must be the result of some botched medical experiment! It’s time for him to fulfill his destiny and donate his body to science, where at least it won’t hurt the rest of us!

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Fortunately for Ryan and Liz, TNBC shows didn’t allow much nudity beyond shirtless guys and the occasional Screech in a speedo, so we’re spared from having to see Screech undressed. Naturally, Screech’s family history is weird and his reflexes are stupid. He’s also double-jointed, which he seems to be really worried about because he’s a dumb ass.

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At The Max, the other cadets continue giving Katie shit because she’s a girl and doesn’t have a penis and shit. They tied her shoelaces together on an outing and she’s pissed because she needs that college scholarship because her family is poor even though she just got back from an expensive month in Paris and she seems to go on the other exorbitant field trips Bayside offers without any problems.

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They send her out with a sign on her back because obviously they missed the first part of last season and the random Space Camp episode where Katie dated a boy. Also, VAGINA AND SHIT!

If this episode becomes anymore MRA-ish, Paul Elam and Roosh are going to jump out and declare that women are destroying the fabric of western civilization. Also, I’m just realizing that some of those cadets look way too old to be students at Bayside, which makes me think they really just came from a Roosh seminar.

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Screech comes in and our fake doctors give him his diagnosis that of course he’s fucking okay. He’s just double jointed. Naturally they can’t leave it at that and mention a rare and fake condition that could also be the cause, so Screech instantly starts believing he has that condition because he’s a complete dumb ass, to the point that, the next day at school, he’s moping around and shit and having a reaction to every symptom he hears.

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Back at Bayside, Maria’s pretending to want to sue Bayside for stupid negligence. And Nicky’s realized he sucks ass at being a lawyer so now he wants to be a school principal.

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Unfortunately, that means listening to Mr. Belding read his published memoirs, which must have been published by the same people who published Behind the Bell.

Katie, meanwhile is none too happy that the local MRAs are targeting her and tells Eric off for letting it happen.

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At The Max, Screech gets Maria to help him make a will because he’s now convinced he’s dying and shit. Also, Nicky’s decided that, since Mr. Belding is boring, being a principal sucks ass so he’s now a chef at The Max dressed like Chef Boyardee. And apparently he gets no training in how to cook because Maria and Screech both think his cooking sucks ass.

Katie comes in and unloads on Maria about her issues with her resident MGTOWs. She’s pissed Eric won’t stick up for her but she’s concerned that, if she goes to the lieutenant and complains, the others will deny everything and she’ll look like a wimp. Maria’s all, “Sucks to be you!” Really, no useful advice. We just get to see Screech go the bathroom, because that’s what was needed to bring his character full circle!

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In ROTC, Katie’s made fun of because she knows the answers to the lieutenant’s questions and that’s just stupid since she has a vagina. Tomorrow, they’re running the obstacle course, which will count as twenty-five percent of their final evaluation. After the lieutenant leaves, the others grab her book and start tossing it back and forth and then leave.

Katie asks Eric why he won’t do anything about their idiocy and Eric’s all, “Bros before hoes!” Katie tells him he’s a fucking dumb ass as well and that, if he’s really the leader, he needs do something.

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At the obstacle course, Katie comes in last because the boys put a twenty pound weight in Katie’s backpack. When Eric finds out and tells Katie, she’s furious and can’t believe Eric’s still so stupid. She’s mad that a bad evaluation will hurt her chances at an evaluation, even though physical fitness shouldn’t really be that heavily weighted since it’s one of the elements that can most easily be worked on, and she rushes off.

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At The Max, Screech doesn’t want Mr. Belding to find out he’s dying but then Mr. Belding comes over and is all, “Quit acting like a fucking dumb ass, taking medical advice from two high school students. Go see a real doctor!”

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Eric tries to convince the others to quit acting like an idiot with Katie. They’re all, “But VAGINA!” They try to get him not to tell the lieutenant.

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Back at Bayside, Screech is, unfortunately, not going to die, and he takes advantage of the situation to cop a feel of Maria. Yeah, that image is going to stay stuck in my mind for a very long time. There’s some stuff about Screech suing for pain and suffering but Ryan and Liz point out they never actually said he was dying and Mr. Belding interjects that Screech is a fucking dumb ass, and thus ends the “Screech is dying” subplot.

Also, Nicky sucked ass at everything he did, bringing his arc to full circle.

In ROTC, the lieutenant gives everyone their evaluations, pointing out this week long taster is going to be weighted heavily should they decide to apply for a scholarship because a week is enough time to gauge whether someone is worthy of a scholarship. After all, it’s half the time needed to build a house!

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Eric finally tells the lieutenant that the others have been surfing reddit too long, and they cheated on the obstacle course. The lieutenant is all, “Y’all, that was bad!” Eric convinces him to give Katie another chance at the obstacle course. She runs it again, this time with the rest of the gang to cheer her on, for some reason.

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Katie beats the fastest time and proves girl power and shit, and our episode ends with The New Class single-handedly defeating misogyny through military intervention!

God, this episode is pretty bad. Not that I have high expectations of The New Class but come on!

The New Class Season 5, Episode 22: “Goodbye Paris”

Well, this month in Paris sure has flown by! I’m so glad we’ve gotten to see the gang do all kinds of exciting things, like act like idiots and act like idiots some more! I’m still not quite sure why they were in Paris. As stupid as the semester at sea episodes were, at least they showed the gang taking classes on the boat. This just showed the gang spending their days running through Paris.

So let’s end the arc and see if Screech causes an international incident before he leaves…

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We open in the gang’s room to find Eric giddy that Danielle’s coming over to play, meaning Eric’s finally had  a love interest last more than one episode! It’s a super happy day for him, except the shirt he’s wearing apparently belongs to Nicky, meaning Nicky buys his shirts really long.

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Danielle soon arrives and starts giving Eric CPR to help him through the shock that he has a real live girl for more than one episode. Mr. Belding and Screech show up and, judging by the look on Screech’s face,  he’s jealous he didn’t get a girl this time in the non-Bayside episodes.

Mr. Belding’s there to tell the gang they have the last three days free to wander around Paris and cause all kinds of hilarious hijinks. You know, the sort they’ve already been through during the whole arc. But he’s quickly pulled away by Screech, who has a whirlwind tour of Paris scheduled for them so they can see everything they haven’t been able to see while they were bailing their students out of prison or sitting in the hospital waiting for a caster plast to be removed.

Ryan, Katie, and Liz decide to go to lunch while Nicky and Maria go to a museum. Eric and Danielle will just stick around and have wild sex to make up for all that Eric hasn’t gotten since he’s been on this show.

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In front of the cafe, Ryan, Katie, and Liz are approached by yet another American with a bad French accent who says his wife needs money for an operation and he lost his job, so he’s just randomly wandering the streets trying to sell a Picasso sketch to gullible tourists. Since the trio was was born yesterday, they gather all the money the three of them have left between them, about $240, and buy the sketch from the man, because it’s realistic someone would sell an original Picasso for $240.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding wants to savor his lunch but he only gets a bite in before Screech tells him it’s time to go on to their next destination. This is why you should never put a complete idiot in charge of planning your day while on vacation.

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Eric and Danielle have a romantic lunch and talk a lot about how they love each other and shit.

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Screech’s solution to the tour schedule is to get Mr. Belding in a cab and wander around Paris, seeing shit as they pass by and being an asshole to the cabbie.

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And, at some point, even carjacking the cab and driving like a maniac through the streets of Paris. Jesus, this fucking moron really is going to cause an international incident, isn’t he!

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Back in their room, our bumbling trio show off their sketch to Nicky and Maria. Unfortunately for them, Nicky and Maria weren’t born yesterday and bought their copies at the museum gift shop for ₣15. They decide the solution is to just find the man in one of the largest European cities and demand their money back, because con artists are so amenable to teenagers’ demands. Also, if they think they have an original Picasso, why the hell would they hold it like that directly on the canvass?

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Eric comes back and announces to the gang that he’s decided he can’t possibly leave the only girl he’ll ever date for more than one episode. He’s talked to the International Academy and he’s going to stay and enroll so he can be near Danielle. All he needs is his parents’ permission, and he’s sure that his parents will agree to let their son run off to a foreign country to be a girl he just met.

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Ryan, Katie, and Liz track down the swindler…in the original cafe where they first met him. I’m sensing this guy is as bad at stealing people’s money as our idiots are at picking out thieves. To no one’s surprise but our bumbling idiots, the man says he is not going to return their money and doesn’t give a shit if they go to the police as they can’t prove anything.

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And Screech decides to recreate the Tour de France, nearly killing Mr. Belding in the process since streets are usually closed during the Tour and Screech is determined to kill off Mr. Belding and take over as principal.vlcsnap-00015

Eric has a picnic to tell Danielle he’s going to stay in France. Danielle’s skeptical as the academy is a very expensive school but he’s determined he’s going to find a way to stay in France and get off this show that won’t give him any other girlfriends.

At the Cafe USA, Mr. Belding tells Screech to fuck off and leave him alone on their last day as he’s having no fun and wants to be on his own the last day. Finally, Mr. Belding makes some sense! He should have told Screech to fuck off and leave him alone like four years ago!

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Screech finds Ryan, Katie, and Liz eating out of the same soup bowl and, after they tell him what happened with the swindler, decides that, since Mr. Belding doesn’t want anything to do with him, he’ll interject himself into the problems of the teenagers he serves. I’m more interested in how this is a school sponsored trip that apparently provides no meals. It just assumes the students are so rich they can afford to eat on their own, even though Katie couldn’t even afford a dress just last season!

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And, surprise, surprise: Eric’s parents think he’s being an idiot wanting to stay in a country he hated just a few weeks ago for a girl and won’t support him staying there. He decides fuck his parents, he’s going to find a way.

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Jesus! One reason the gang have no money because they’ve made a million trips to the Eiffel Tower! Famous European attractions like the Eiffel tend to be really expensive! In any case, Eric’s taken Danielle here to tell her that, though his parents won’t let him stay, he’s going to drop out and runaway with her to somewhere in France. Danielle thinks this is a stupid plan, even for this show, and tells him he needs to finish school and shit before his acting career completely dries up. He naturally interprets this as her not wanting to be with him and rushes off, acting like an idiot the whole way. No wonder no woman wants to be with you more than one episode! You act like a big baby when anyone tries to be reasonable to you!

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So Screech’s plan to get the money back naturally involves finding the swindler at the exact same cafe where he’s been located twice before and dressing in a stupid costume. Jesus, this guy must be the worst criminal ever! Screech acts like a rude, arrogant Texan. No, seriously, that’s the accent he puts on: the Rich Texan from The Simpsons. Soon, the swindler offers to sell him one of the fake Picassos because he’s almost as bad at being a swindler as Screech is at being a Texan.

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The police move in and arrest the swindler and Screech gets the gang’s money back, which the swindler just happens to still have on him after three days because…I don’t know! Nothing about this subplot makes any sense! Everyone’s a moron!

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The restaurant buys the four lunch for getting rid of the swindler that likes to hang out there and Mr. Belding shows up after his tour of a “cheese garden,” having had a wonderful day without Screech and wanting to try it more often.

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The gang pack to go home, but Eric doesn’t want to say goodbye to Danielle because he’s a big cry baby. The others tell him he’ll regret it if he doesn’t, but he won’t listen to reason because WAH WAH WAH!

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But he does in the very next scene, with promises that they’ll write and maybe she can visit him in Los Angeles. Yeah, Danielle, you need to talk to Alison about how well that works out. They kiss goodbye as Eric prepares to go to the airport and leave the only woman who will ever love him more than one episode.

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And our episode ends with us having a chance to say goodbye to this wonderful bench. It’s been such a crucial character over this arc, made us laugh and cried. I’m so sad it can’t return to Bayside with us. But, alas, you can’t always get what you want. If so, I would have gotten rid of Screech long ago.