Well, this month in Paris sure has flown by! I’m so glad we’ve gotten to see the gang do all kinds of exciting things, like act like idiots and act like idiots some more! I’m still not quite sure why they were in Paris. As stupid as the semester at sea episodes were, at least they showed the gang taking classes on the boat. This just showed the gang spending their days running through Paris.
So let’s end the arc and see if Screech causes an international incident before he leaves…
We open in the gang’s room to find Eric giddy that Danielle’s coming over to play, meaning Eric’s finally had a love interest last more than one episode! It’s a super happy day for him, except the shirt he’s wearing apparently belongs to Nicky, meaning Nicky buys his shirts really long.
Danielle soon arrives and starts giving Eric CPR to help him through the shock that he has a real live girl for more than one episode. Mr. Belding and Screech show up and, judging by the look on Screech’s face, he’s jealous he didn’t get a girl this time in the non-Bayside episodes.
Mr. Belding’s there to tell the gang they have the last three days free to wander around Paris and cause all kinds of hilarious hijinks. You know, the sort they’ve already been through during the whole arc. But he’s quickly pulled away by Screech, who has a whirlwind tour of Paris scheduled for them so they can see everything they haven’t been able to see while they were bailing their students out of prison or sitting in the hospital waiting for a caster plast to be removed.
Ryan, Katie, and Liz decide to go to lunch while Nicky and Maria go to a museum. Eric and Danielle will just stick around and have wild sex to make up for all that Eric hasn’t gotten since he’s been on this show.
In front of the cafe, Ryan, Katie, and Liz are approached by yet another American with a bad French accent who says his wife needs money for an operation and he lost his job, so he’s just randomly wandering the streets trying to sell a Picasso sketch to gullible tourists. Since the trio was was born yesterday, they gather all the money the three of them have left between them, about $240, and buy the sketch from the man, because it’s realistic someone would sell an original Picasso for $240.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding wants to savor his lunch but he only gets a bite in before Screech tells him it’s time to go on to their next destination. This is why you should never put a complete idiot in charge of planning your day while on vacation.
Eric and Danielle have a romantic lunch and talk a lot about how they love each other and shit.
Screech’s solution to the tour schedule is to get Mr. Belding in a cab and wander around Paris, seeing shit as they pass by and being an asshole to the cabbie.
And, at some point, even carjacking the cab and driving like a maniac through the streets of Paris. Jesus, this fucking moron really is going to cause an international incident, isn’t he!
Back in their room, our bumbling trio show off their sketch to Nicky and Maria. Unfortunately for them, Nicky and Maria weren’t born yesterday and bought their copies at the museum gift shop for ₣15. They decide the solution is to just find the man in one of the largest European cities and demand their money back, because con artists are so amenable to teenagers’ demands. Also, if they think they have an original Picasso, why the hell would they hold it like that directly on the canvass?
Eric comes back and announces to the gang that he’s decided he can’t possibly leave the only girl he’ll ever date for more than one episode. He’s talked to the International Academy and he’s going to stay and enroll so he can be near Danielle. All he needs is his parents’ permission, and he’s sure that his parents will agree to let their son run off to a foreign country to be a girl he just met.
Ryan, Katie, and Liz track down the swindler…in the original cafe where they first met him. I’m sensing this guy is as bad at stealing people’s money as our idiots are at picking out thieves. To no one’s surprise but our bumbling idiots, the man says he is not going to return their money and doesn’t give a shit if they go to the police as they can’t prove anything.
And Screech decides to recreate the Tour de France, nearly killing Mr. Belding in the process since streets are usually closed during the Tour and Screech is determined to kill off Mr. Belding and take over as principal.
Eric has a picnic to tell Danielle he’s going to stay in France. Danielle’s skeptical as the academy is a very expensive school but he’s determined he’s going to find a way to stay in France and get off this show that won’t give him any other girlfriends.
At the Cafe USA, Mr. Belding tells Screech to fuck off and leave him alone on their last day as he’s having no fun and wants to be on his own the last day. Finally, Mr. Belding makes some sense! He should have told Screech to fuck off and leave him alone like four years ago!
Screech finds Ryan, Katie, and Liz eating out of the same soup bowl and, after they tell him what happened with the swindler, decides that, since Mr. Belding doesn’t want anything to do with him, he’ll interject himself into the problems of the teenagers he serves. I’m more interested in how this is a school sponsored trip that apparently provides no meals. It just assumes the students are so rich they can afford to eat on their own, even though Katie couldn’t even afford a dress just last season!
And, surprise, surprise: Eric’s parents think he’s being an idiot wanting to stay in a country he hated just a few weeks ago for a girl and won’t support him staying there. He decides fuck his parents, he’s going to find a way.
Jesus! One reason the gang have no money because they’ve made a million trips to the Eiffel Tower! Famous European attractions like the Eiffel tend to be really expensive! In any case, Eric’s taken Danielle here to tell her that, though his parents won’t let him stay, he’s going to drop out and runaway with her to somewhere in France. Danielle thinks this is a stupid plan, even for this show, and tells him he needs to finish school and shit before his acting career completely dries up. He naturally interprets this as her not wanting to be with him and rushes off, acting like an idiot the whole way. No wonder no woman wants to be with you more than one episode! You act like a big baby when anyone tries to be reasonable to you!
So Screech’s plan to get the money back naturally involves finding the swindler at the exact same cafe where he’s been located twice before and dressing in a stupid costume. Jesus, this guy must be the worst criminal ever! Screech acts like a rude, arrogant Texan. No, seriously, that’s the accent he puts on: the Rich Texan from The Simpsons. Soon, the swindler offers to sell him one of the fake Picassos because he’s almost as bad at being a swindler as Screech is at being a Texan.
The police move in and arrest the swindler and Screech gets the gang’s money back, which the swindler just happens to still have on him after three days because…I don’t know! Nothing about this subplot makes any sense! Everyone’s a moron!
The restaurant buys the four lunch for getting rid of the swindler that likes to hang out there and Mr. Belding shows up after his tour of a “cheese garden,” having had a wonderful day without Screech and wanting to try it more often.
The gang pack to go home, but Eric doesn’t want to say goodbye to Danielle because he’s a big cry baby. The others tell him he’ll regret it if he doesn’t, but he won’t listen to reason because WAH WAH WAH!
But he does in the very next scene, with promises that they’ll write and maybe she can visit him in Los Angeles. Yeah, Danielle, you need to talk to Alison about how well that works out. They kiss goodbye as Eric prepares to go to the airport and leave the only woman who will ever love him more than one episode.
And our episode ends with us having a chance to say goodbye to this wonderful bench. It’s been such a crucial character over this arc, made us laugh and cried. I’m so sad it can’t return to Bayside with us. But, alas, you can’t always get what you want. If so, I would have gotten rid of Screech long ago.