Back at Bayside this week (imagine that, a show about high school taking place at high school!), and it’s time for that annual-when-the-writers-are-out-of-ideas event, Career Week! Aren’t you so excited to find out what these Saved by the Bell wanna bes are going to be when they grow-up/
Well, we open to find Mr. Belding wants everyone to be a principal, but no one else wants the job except Screech who, if the fates willing, will not be allowed alone with a child without adult supervision. Mr. Belding’s depressed that everyone hates his table since that kid Ryan and Tommy D chased off back in season three isn’t around anymore, but Screech, in his usual level of helpfulness, offers doughnuts, which get people to come to the table and promptly run away.
Meanwhile, Katie and Eric, being our resident poor students, get reeled into ROTC when the instructor mentions scholarships. They’re initially skeptical until the lieutenant here is all, “It’s going to cost us a lot more to write an actual original script if you don’t go with this, so just play along,” and they’re fair game.
As for the rest of the gang? Liz wants to be a doctor and Ryan decides to be a doctor as well, presumably so he can fuck Liz in some sick role play fantasy. Maria wants to be a lawyer because she’s the most pushy and arrogant of the group, and Nicky decides to be a lawyer because why the hell not. No, this isn’t out of order and suddenly Maria and Nicky are dating again. It’s just Nicky doesn’t have an original bone in his body this episode.
And it’s already time for ROTC shit! There’s some weird shit here, like one guy putting barbed wire around his locker because…hell if I know? The lieutenant complements Katie and we get the first hint of how horrible this plot is going to be as the other cadets are all, “Eww! Girls!”
The lieutenant instructs them to choose a squad leader, and the others nominate Eric since he’s a member of the cast and not a girl. The lieutenant instructs them to march around a bunch so the other cast members can have time in this episode and Eric instructs Katie to leave. Suddenly, though, the rest of the squad stop following her because COOTIES AND VAGINA AND SHIT!
In the hallway, Ryan and Liz need a subject for a medical evaluation since they’re doctors and shit. They need someone who would make a really interesting specimen.
Oh, glorious day, someone finally recognized that Screech has something seriously wrong with him, even if it is two high school students on The New Class pretending to be doctors! I always knew Screech must be the result of some botched medical experiment! It’s time for him to fulfill his destiny and donate his body to science, where at least it won’t hurt the rest of us!
Fortunately for Ryan and Liz, TNBC shows didn’t allow much nudity beyond shirtless guys and the occasional Screech in a speedo, so we’re spared from having to see Screech undressed. Naturally, Screech’s family history is weird and his reflexes are stupid. He’s also double-jointed, which he seems to be really worried about because he’s a dumb ass.
At The Max, the other cadets continue giving Katie shit because she’s a girl and doesn’t have a penis and shit. They tied her shoelaces together on an outing and she’s pissed because she needs that college scholarship because her family is poor even though she just got back from an expensive month in Paris and she seems to go on the other exorbitant field trips Bayside offers without any problems.
They send her out with a sign on her back because obviously they missed the first part of last season and the random Space Camp episode where Katie dated a boy. Also, VAGINA AND SHIT!
If this episode becomes anymore MRA-ish, Paul Elam and Roosh are going to jump out and declare that women are destroying the fabric of western civilization. Also, I’m just realizing that some of those cadets look way too old to be students at Bayside, which makes me think they really just came from a Roosh seminar.
Screech comes in and our fake doctors give him his diagnosis that of course he’s fucking okay. He’s just double jointed. Naturally they can’t leave it at that and mention a rare and fake condition that could also be the cause, so Screech instantly starts believing he has that condition because he’s a complete dumb ass, to the point that, the next day at school, he’s moping around and shit and having a reaction to every symptom he hears.
Back at Bayside, Maria’s pretending to want to sue Bayside for stupid negligence. And Nicky’s realized he sucks ass at being a lawyer so now he wants to be a school principal.
Unfortunately, that means listening to Mr. Belding read his published memoirs, which must have been published by the same people who published Behind the Bell.
Katie, meanwhile is none too happy that the local MRAs are targeting her and tells Eric off for letting it happen.
At The Max, Screech gets Maria to help him make a will because he’s now convinced he’s dying and shit. Also, Nicky’s decided that, since Mr. Belding is boring, being a principal sucks ass so he’s now a chef at The Max dressed like Chef Boyardee. And apparently he gets no training in how to cook because Maria and Screech both think his cooking sucks ass.
Katie comes in and unloads on Maria about her issues with her resident MGTOWs. She’s pissed Eric won’t stick up for her but she’s concerned that, if she goes to the lieutenant and complains, the others will deny everything and she’ll look like a wimp. Maria’s all, “Sucks to be you!” Really, no useful advice. We just get to see Screech go the bathroom, because that’s what was needed to bring his character full circle!
In ROTC, Katie’s made fun of because she knows the answers to the lieutenant’s questions and that’s just stupid since she has a vagina. Tomorrow, they’re running the obstacle course, which will count as twenty-five percent of their final evaluation. After the lieutenant leaves, the others grab her book and start tossing it back and forth and then leave.
Katie asks Eric why he won’t do anything about their idiocy and Eric’s all, “Bros before hoes!” Katie tells him he’s a fucking dumb ass as well and that, if he’s really the leader, he needs do something.
At the obstacle course, Katie comes in last because the boys put a twenty pound weight in Katie’s backpack. When Eric finds out and tells Katie, she’s furious and can’t believe Eric’s still so stupid. She’s mad that a bad evaluation will hurt her chances at an evaluation, even though physical fitness shouldn’t really be that heavily weighted since it’s one of the elements that can most easily be worked on, and she rushes off.
At The Max, Screech doesn’t want Mr. Belding to find out he’s dying but then Mr. Belding comes over and is all, “Quit acting like a fucking dumb ass, taking medical advice from two high school students. Go see a real doctor!”
Eric tries to convince the others to quit acting like an idiot with Katie. They’re all, “But VAGINA!” They try to get him not to tell the lieutenant.
Back at Bayside, Screech is, unfortunately, not going to die, and he takes advantage of the situation to cop a feel of Maria. Yeah, that image is going to stay stuck in my mind for a very long time. There’s some stuff about Screech suing for pain and suffering but Ryan and Liz point out they never actually said he was dying and Mr. Belding interjects that Screech is a fucking dumb ass, and thus ends the “Screech is dying” subplot.
Also, Nicky sucked ass at everything he did, bringing his arc to full circle.
In ROTC, the lieutenant gives everyone their evaluations, pointing out this week long taster is going to be weighted heavily should they decide to apply for a scholarship because a week is enough time to gauge whether someone is worthy of a scholarship. After all, it’s half the time needed to build a house!
Eric finally tells the lieutenant that the others have been surfing reddit too long, and they cheated on the obstacle course. The lieutenant is all, “Y’all, that was bad!” Eric convinces him to give Katie another chance at the obstacle course. She runs it again, this time with the rest of the gang to cheer her on, for some reason.
Katie beats the fastest time and proves girl power and shit, and our episode ends with The New Class single-handedly defeating misogyny through military intervention!
God, this episode is pretty bad. Not that I have high expectations of The New Class but come on!