Monthly Archives: July 2016

Saved by the Bell #1.8 (Roar Comics)

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Our comic opens with the gang excited as hell about the upcoming holidays, so much so that Zack Morris appears to have become one of the Walking Dead. They’re all psyched about Lisa’s annual New Years Eve party as well, except for Jessie, who’s psyched to study for an Algebra final because her characterization is such that she wouldn’t know fun if it kicked her in the ass, or in the form of caffeine pills.

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They’re having so much fun talking about shit that Mr. Belding decides to walk straight up and personally remind them that deposits for the freshman ski trip are due tomorrow since I guess Lisa’s stupid party was so exciting it made them forget about a school trip.

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Zack Morris decides that he’s going to finally advance his story line in this comic to full on love interest on the ski trip while Slater declares, “Nu uh!” Also, out of context, someone who knew nothing about Saved by the Bell might think Zack Morris and Slate are fighting over Screech in this panel. I swear the thought of thi is going to give me nightmares.

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But it turns out that no one’s asking Kelly out on the ski trip since the writers remembered she’s poor and shit. Zack Morris and Slater each offer to pay for her, but she turns them both down, not because of the obvious mass amount of fucking that would be required in exchange, but because of supposed pride and shit.

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But that’s not stopping Zack Morris. The next day, he tries to sell Kelly Kapowski calendars that I guess he printed at home on his inkjet printer to raise money for Kelly since there’s nothing that says, “I love you,” like selling a bunch of pictures of a person without their permission. Also, at a dollar a calendar, Zack Morris better plan on selling a hell of a lot of calendars.

Alas, though, this is the one time it’s convenient for students to actually care about Jessie’s shit as she’s convinced everyone to donate all their money to make poor kids’ Christmas wishes come true or some shit. I don’t know. It all smells of contrivance to me. Jessie suggests that Zack Morris crowd source ideas for raising money. Now, to me, this would mean getting on Twitter or Facebook and asking people for ideas.

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Zack Morris interprets this to mean, “Go to The Max and have Screech develop a shitty web site where people can submit their ideas.” Screech has solved the problem of how to get people to actually go to the web site by stealing everything from Bayside’s lost and found to offer as prizes for the best ideas, and get ready for meta nostalgic reference in 5…4…3…2…1…

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Haha, it’s funny because Zack Morris is famous for having a brick cell phone in the series! Get it? Most clever reference ever!

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What’s worse, Screech tries to give Lisa a hat that once belonged to a girl who had lice, and I’m confused why such a hat is in lost and found if it has a tag in it with the owner’s name in it. In any case, she tells him to disappear, and I wish he’d taken her up on this at this point in the series as it would have saved me from six years of his idiocy on The New Class.

Jessie tells Zack Morris her cousin got shit donated from businesses, and I’m not sure why she didn’t just say this in the first place. He heads off to the mall to put his plan into motion.

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Zack Morris’s plan is to go to Mr. Moody’s store and convince him that he’s a filmmaker making a film about skiing zombies or some shit. As such, Mr. Moody should donate lots of clothes to Zack Morris that will be worn in the film and pay for the “transportation fees.” Mr. Moody doesn’t believe Zack Morris at first, but relents when he sees a picture of Kelly because it makes his pants excited. He agrees to the plan, and Zack Morris rushes back to Bayside before he runs out of time in one days since a lot of shit has happened today.

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Kelly doesn’t much like the idea of lying to Mr. Moody, but suggests Zack Morris could film a web commercial for Moody and that would make taking all this shit okay. Zack Morris goes to tell Mr. Moody while Kelly gets the same dead look in her eye that makes me think maybe they should just go ahead and shoot the skiing zombie movie after all.

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And I guess Mr. Moody agrees with this shitty plan because we immediately go to the ski slopes, where Screech is being a moron as usual and skiing down a slope beyond his ability. Soon he finds himself careening out of control, and I can only hope for the best: that I’ll soon be put out of my misery with him.

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Zack Morris films the web commercial as Slater rushes in to try and disrupt shit between Zack Morris and Kelly. He gets snow all over him as a result and goes back to the lodge to dry off and curse the evil Slater for his cock blocking ways while Kelly goes to ski a little.

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A random girl spots Kelly in a Moody’s sweater and just happens by some contrivance to be Mr. Moody’s daughter, who wants Kelly to be a model for their catalog. I’m really confused why Mr. Moody didn’t ask this of her but whatever.

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang decide not to tell Mr. Belding that Screech is missing because I guess they’re hoping he dies, too.

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At the ski lodge, Kelly thanks Zack Morris for making this all possible, but drops the bad news on him that she now has to work New Year’s Eve for the photo shoot because I guess lots of catalog photo shoots happen randomly on holidays. She says she has to leave immediately and asks Zack Morris to tell everyone good bye for her as Zack Morris looks frustrated that he cock blocked himself.

The next day, Mr. Belding finally figures out Screech is missing and, unfortunately, sends the ski patrol out to look for him. Lisa goes to pose for a photo with a giant snowball…

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…and our comic, and volume one, ends with Screech popping out of the snowball, scaring the shit out of Lisa at the awful sight appearing before her eyes. NO! I call bullshit! Screech overnight in a giant snowball would surely kill him! You must go back and retcon Screech as being dead from this! Let’s start a change.org petition to make it happen!

The New Class Season 6, Episode 3: “The Lyin’ King”

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Well, only took us three episodes into the season to get out of Bayside again. Welcome back to the mall, where we quickly get some exposition to explain that Maria’s “Not a Clue” button is promoting a band playing at the Teen Machine, not a sign of the writers’ general competence on this show. Also, I think Maria’s officially worked at the Teen Machine longer than anyone else in this franchise has ever held a job. Katie’s still working for the gym and Nicky’s back to working for the movie theater for some reason.

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And Liz is working as the assistant to the mall manager because that’s a job that often goes to teenagers still in high school. I’m sure all of this is setting up some exciting plots for later this season, but it has absolutely no relevance to the plot of this episode.

No, this episode is about Nicky’s cousin, Chloe, visiting from “out east,” because the writers are apparently scared to have Nicky say New York anymore after how ridiculous it became in season four. Tony practically wets himself there’s a girl coming to visit, but Nicky assures him Chloe is geeky and boring and shit and thus should never feel the touch of a man.

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So this is an Eric episode and, since the only things we really know about Eric his third season on the show is that he plays football, sings, has lots of siblings, and never has a girlfriend longer than an episode (Danielle was a fluke). So we need to make up some bullshit for him to have something to do this episode. Suddenly, Eric is a playa and dating every girl he can find. That’s why he’s only been a serial monogamist previously. Nicky and Tony thinks it kicks ass that Eric dates so many girls and nothing about this could possibly be a part of the plot of the episode.

Also, Eric now works at Petzilla. Nothing to do with the episode but they want to make sure they quickly establish where our gang will be spending time at the mall this season.

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You know, when I first saw Screech with hands around his neck, I hoped that Mr. Belding had finally gotten wise and was killing him once and for all. But, no, this is another mall store for the season, Gadgets and Gizmos, which just happens to be owned by Mr. Belding’s brother-in-law. God, Mr. Belding’s family must be rich if they can afford to own so many failed stores. Mr. Belding’s decided to manage the store while his brother-in-law is recovering from a freak accident because the best person to look after your business is a guy who spends eight to twelve hours a day in a demanding school administration job. No wonder so many of this guy’s stores go out of business!

Screech assumes that, since Mr. Belding works there, he gets a job too since that’s always been the way it worked in the past, even though he couldn’t handle two jobs last season, a plot point conveniently forgotten by all. Mr. Belding says he can’t hire Screech, not because he’s a complete moron, but because he’s fully staffed, which leads Screech into plotting for his subplot.

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At the gym, Katie meets a girl who says she used to take baths with Nicky. Turns out this is Chloe, and that’s a hella creepy way to introduce yourself to your cousin’s girlfriend: by letting her know you got to see his penis before she did. She’s looking for him at the gym because…damned if I know! Is she just wondering around the mall asking random people if they know him and telling them about how they’ve seen each other naked?

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Eric comes in and, since he’s now a playa, immediately gets to work trying to fuck Chloe. He asks her to lunch, promising now that Screech isn’t a security guard, she’s fully protected. On the way out, Eric tells Nicky he has a date with a hot babe. Nicky has reservations but Eric assures him he’ll take good care of her, which sounds creepy as fuck.

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And Katie gets Maria and Liz to sign up for an aerobics class when they find out there’s a hot guy teaching it because they need something to keep them busy as well!

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I kid you not: in the food court, Screech jumps out at one of Mr. Belding’s employees from behind a plant, squawking like a parrot and telling him how psycho of a boss Mr. Belding is. Naturally, if I was this guy, I would think Screech was the complete psychopath, but this is the Saved by the Bell universe, where you believe anything that moves the plot along. The employee goes to tell his coworkers and, yeah. I’m ready for this episode to be over already.

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The aerobics instructor praises Maria and Liz for their performance and encourages them to sign up for his advanced class. Naturally, since their entire shtick this episode is trying to make a man want to fuck them, they instantly agree, each trying to one up the other about how awesome they are.

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Chloe shows Nicky and Tony the rose Eric bought her after lunch and says they’re going out tomorrow night because he has to work and she’s obviously smitten over the guy who has only once has a girlfriend longer than an episode.

But then Eric comes in with another girl whom he’s also given a rose and says he’ll pick her up tonight. Nicky confronts Eric on this and says it’s no big deal he’s polyamorous.

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In the aerobics class, Liz is doing good but Maria has trouble keeping up. She gets a cramp and the instructor takes her off to show her stretching exercises, which I assume is code for hot fucking. Seriously, do any girls actually try to get a guy’s attention like this?

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Nicky confronts Eric when he finds him flirting with yet another girl, and convinces Eric to tell Chloe that he’s dating other girls during his date. And Nicky and Katie will be there, of course, because Chloe thought it would be fun to double date.

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At Gadgets and Gizmos, Screech finds his plan worked and all the employees quit. He jumps in to sell a parascope to a short man and Mr. Belding hires him. So I guess Gadgets and Gizmos sells whatever stupid shit the prop department just happens to have lying around.

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At the theater, which is newly remodeled and doesn’t quite look as bad as the old folding chair theater, Eric and Chloe seem to be getting along great Chloe loves Eric and thinks she’ll be together with him forever, but Eric’s not telling Chloe about the other girls. Eric gets up to get some popcorn and Nicky decides to tell Chloe the truth: other than a fake French girl, Eric never dates a girl longer than an episode. Outraged, she marches out and tells Eric to fuck the fucking fuck off as she was hoping Eric would be her key to becoming a part of the cast.

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Back at Gadgets and Gizmos, Screech is fucking up as usual, tearing off a piece of some lady’s horrible looking wig. Really, they couldn’t have made it look any faker if it were on William Shatner’s head. No woman had ever purposely had hair that looked like that.

Screech apologizes for being a fuck up and Mr. Belding says it’s not his fault but the employees that quit and left him with no choice but to hire Screech yet again. Screech confesses that he got the employees to quit and Mr. Belding acts surprised that Screech fucked up yet again. Screech decides to quit since even he now knows he’s a giant fuck up.

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Eric confronts Nicky for telling Chloe about the other girls and says it’s his business how many girls he tries to fuck.

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After a commercial break, Katie pretends to flirt with Tony and asks Eric not to tell Nicky. He thinks that’s shitty and suddenly realizes he’s the one who’s supposed to learn a lesson this episode. No shit, Eric. You should have read the synopsis ahead of time.

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Screech brings the old employees back in and Mr. Belding hires them back. He instantly rehires them, but one still quits and, since Screech is sorry, Mr. Belding hires Screech back, too, because that seems to be the theme of this season: sorry fixes everything!

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Maria and Liz are wore out from the aerobics class and demand which one of them the instructor wants to fuck. He says he doesn’t date students, even former students. No, the correct answer is: I don’t date jail bait. But this is the Saved by the Bell universe. At least this subplot is over.

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Nicky and Katie try to make Chloe feel better but nothing seems to do the trick. They leave her alone and Eric comes in to apologize to Nicky and hit the great big reset button.

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Eric apologizes to Chloe for hurting her and, going along with the theme of the season, sorry fixes everything. And our episode ends with Eric and Chloe preparing to go on another movie date as Nicky and Katie watch creepily in the background. Too bad now that the episode is over, so is their relationship!

Firsts: Gadgets and Gizmos, Petzilla.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 2: “Do the Write Thing”

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We open in the hallway where Eric’s apparently leading an impromptu pep rally for the big game against their arch rival, Central. Yeah, never mind you always thought it was Valley. Central is apparently just as important even though they’ve barely been mentioned over the years of the franchise. Just go with it because plot!

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As usual, Screech gets way too excited about the game even though he hasn’t been in high school in six years now. Mr. Belding puts Screech in charge of finding something for the big game, and thus lies Mr. Belding’s first mistake of the episode: giving Screech a task without any criteria for how he should complete it. Yeah, it’s going to end about how you expect.

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Tony gives us some exposition that he and Maria have been teamed up to work on the big Chemistry project together and Maria’s practically wetting herself that she gets to work with him, only one week after she was ready to sacrifice his ass to Screech. But she gets jealous when a random cheer leader butts in between her and Tony hoping to get a little of that new blonde boy ass.

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But none of that shit’s important compared to Katie’s dilemma. See, she’s now editor of the school newspaper and she’s depressed that no one reads it, because apparently a school newspaper has to be read to support itself…I guess? I don’t know. It makes no sense given that school newspapers aren’t out to make a profit, but the writers of this show never went to high school so they couldn’t be expected to know that.

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At The Max, Maria and Tony try to work on their project because a shitty retro diner is where I always try to work on Chemistry projects, but they’re soon interrupted by the entire cheerleader squad trying to get into Tony’s pants. Maria soon tires of this bull shit and slips away so she can continue brooding for her subplot.

You know what I’ve just realized this episode? Ever since Lindsay and Rachel left the show, none of our gang have been cheerleaders. It’s like slowly other people in the school are being given permission to occupy roles central to Bayside and that the events of the school don’t revolve around our six main characters. Of course, our six main characters are still the ones who get to do all the big Bayside stuff and get personalized service from the school administrators, so who knows? But…wasn’t that Maria’s thing when she joined the cast: she was the head cheerleader at Valley and was rivals with Rachel? I know, I don’t know why I expect them to remember silly things like characterization but I guess I’m old fashioned that way.

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Liz starts complaining about her History test grade as an excuse for Eric to say he hasn’t taken the test yet because they had an away game last week and he had to leave early. The purpose of this is to give Katie an idea for a newspaper article and shit because Eric is her friend but she never knew over the last three seasons how being a football player works.

Also, Nicky suddenly wants to be on the football team. You know, why the hell not? I mean, he’s no less believable a football player than Eric so why not let all our male cast be football players since we don’t have cheerleaders anymore.

Back at Bayside, Screech prepares to reveal the surprise he got for the Central game. As you see what our resident dumb ass came into the school, remember this moment at the end of next season when you find out what this idiot gets to do at the end of the series.

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Yes, Screech brought a live tiger into the school because his idiocy apparently knows no bounds. Turns out his Uncle Ernie owns a circus and randomly brought a tiger around for a bunch of high school students. One, so you’re saying both Screech’s uncle and his grandfather are named Ernie? Sure, what the hell ever. Two, even ignoring the physics defying act of getting that cage into Mr. Belding’s office, Screech has just reached a new level of idiocy I didn’t think possible. He’s now no longer simply a determent to the operations of Bayside, but he’s personally put every student, staff, and teacher’s life in jeopardy by bringing an unsupervised wild animal into the building. Tell me again why he has a job working with children?

But, no, Mr. Belding doesn’t instantly fire Screech, even when he suggests taking the tiger out of the cage because, at this point, I’m not so sure Screech doesn’t have blackmail on Mr. Belding. I mean, how else does he keep a job? Mr. Belding tells Screech to get that tiger the fuck out of here even as Screech assures him he has a blow gun tranquilizer in case anything goes wrong, because this is apparently Looney Tunes all of a sudden. God, this show…

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In the gym, the gang prepares for the pep rally for the Central game. Tony sees Maria and tells her they need to get going on their Chemistry project, but she says she wouldn’t want to take him away from his hot fucking with all those random other girls. Tony says that Maria’s jealous but she insists that’s ridiculous and would reflect bad writing since, just last week, she completely hated him. She decides that Tony just has an ego and she needs to bring him down a notch since that wouldn’t be recycling last week’s plot or anything.

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Liz comes in and confronts Katie on her next newspaper article, which Liz says is slanted and untrue. See, Katie implied that the football team doesn’t make up their tests and Liz says that’s bull shit and she knows it. Katie is suddenly unethical and says that other schools doing it justifies this article and she’s printing it, god damn it, because plot. Why does this show never realize that making your character look like jack asses is not a good substitute for actual conflict?

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But then Nicky comes in and reveals he’s now on the football team because apparently it’s possible to just join a sports team when a major game is coming up because that’s the way school sports works, right? Liz asks Katie if she really wants to print this article and Katie’s all, “Sure! I’m not going to get the chance to look like an asshole any other way!”

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The next day, Katie’s article has magically managed to mobilize a previously apathetic Bayside to read the school paper, and the entire football team confronts Katie on the obvious lie. She’s all, “Blah blah blah! People love lies and shit and stuff!”  Also, Maria initially doesn’t like the article until she finds out Tony likes it and then she instantly changes her opinion because Tony sucks ass.

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Screech goes in Mr. Belding’s office and finds the tiger missing. Rather than assume the reasonable, that Mr. Belding sent someone to get a fucking wild animal out of his office, Screech assumes the tiger is loose in the school because tigers are often silent, aloof creatures, not tearing people from limb to limb and causing carnage in their wake. God, Screech, if you were any stupider…well, I’m running out of insults for what you would be, but suffice it to say you are one stupid mother fucker.

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We end up in Miss Biddy’s class where the football players are waiting to go to the pep rally. Miss Biddy has previously been on this show before, in season four’s “Oh, Brother,” and I’m very shocked to see her back, especially since she’s just a cheap Miss Simpson knock-off. In any case, everyone who’s not a football player is now pissed off at the football players and decide to walk out at Katie’s insistence, Katie hoping to get another news story.

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Liz tells Katie she sucks for being this stupid and that, since she once again has to be the voice of reason in this group, she’s quitting as photographer.

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Before the pep rally, it turns out the regular mascot was out sick so Mr. Belding is conveniently filling in since no students are apparently available. It’s a shame he doesn’t have an otherwise worthless staff member who actually once was the mascot when he was a student.

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The pep rally starts and basically mass hysteria occurs when one of the players too old to be a high school student accuses Katie of writing lies and says this school is just a bunch of idiots who play into whatever far-fetched scheme the hack writers pick for that particular week.

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A player attacks Nicky, Katie attacks the player, Maria accidentally punches Tony, and the world’s most subdued riot is well underway. But I think my favorite part of this riot is Liz sitting calmly in her seat and silently mouthing things at unseen people off camera.

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Also, Screech comes in the middle of it and, being that he is a complete dumb ass, can’t tell an actual tiger from a person in a tiger costume, and shoots Mr. Belding in the ass with the tranquilizer dart.

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In the aftermath of the riot, Screech reveals he found out his uncle had already picked up the tiger and Mr. Belding says that, if he could move at that very moment, he would murder Screech. Please, nurse, give him something to make him move! I want to see that so bad!

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Maria apologizes to Tony for accidentally punching him and reveals she was jealous as the writers are very quickly trying to move them into a relationship since they have limited time this season.

And Nicky lets Katie know he’s fucking pissed at her for being an idiot this episode.

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In the hallway, Mr. Belding tells Katie he’s removing her as editor of the newspaper for writing stupid shit. Liz comes over and instantly forgives Katie so they can resolve their short-lived conflict.

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Mr. Belding reveals he’s angry Screech is still doing the same stupid bullshit he did when he first arrived on this show in season two. Don’t worry, though: a simple apology is all that’s needed to make it go away once again, and Screech keeps his job for another week, even as he releases a shit ton of other animals on the premises.

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At The Max, the football team beat Central and everyone celebrates. Eric and Tony can’t believe people came out but Mr. Belding reveals that Katie put out a special edition of the paper to retract her previous statements. Because Katie printed a retraction and apologized, everything is okay and Katie can even have her job back because sorry apparently fixes everything in this universe!

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Nicky and Katie make-up with a kiss as Katie promises not to act completely out of character for at least another week as our episode ends with the audience completely losing their shit over this hackneyed ending.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 1: “Maria’s Revenge

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Welcome back to another season of The New Class! Aren’t I just lucky this, of all shows, is the one that lasted six seasons? Think about that a second and about all the now-classic shows that didn’t make it as long as The New Class has: Star Trek only got three seasons; Firefly, one; Freaks and Geeks, one; Twilight Zone, five; Twin Peaks, two. Hell, even the original Saved by the Bell only had four seasons! Just let that sink in: we are watching a show that somehow managed to outlast so many classic series by putting out complete and utter crap.

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We open in the hallway to Nicky and Katie making cutesy wootsie sounds at each other just to remind us that they actually are back together and that wasn’t just a one episode plot like Zack Morris and Lisa or Tommy D and Megan. Screech comes down, acting like a moron about how much they’ve grown and shit like they’re preschoolers or something. I have to say, thank god Screech cut his hear. The longer it got, the more ridiculous he became. Does this mean we’re going back to a more tolerable, Good Morning Miss Bliss-era Screech? I could only hope. Also, the audience completely loses their shit about Screech’s appearance because they continue to be easily impressed season after season.

Nicky and Katie give us some exposition to explain why Ryan won’t be joining us this season: he got a scholarship to the best private school in the country, three thousand miles away. Now two issues: Ryan was never that good of a student; how did he suddenly get a scholarship to a private school? The second, of course, is the distance. The only city three thousand miles away from Los Angeles is Portland, Maine. The best private school in the country is located in Portland, Maine? Seriously?

The gang decide Liz must be miserable with Ryan gone but then Liz comes down and is all, “Everything’s the bomb!” The gang decide she must be in denial since she was all about Ryan last season, so much so that she nearly wanted Nicky more, which I’m sure won’t figure into this week’s subplot at all.

Mr. Belding comes around and asks Maria to report to his office second period so she can show a new student around Bayside. I’m sure that, with Ryan gone, this new student won’t play a major role at all.

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Screech comes into Mr. Belding’s office to find an aged Little Zack sitting in Mr. Belding’s chair. I guess that, considering the last time we saw him was at the ski lodge in season two, this is about the right age for him to be now so kudos on not making him still be a baby or something. Little Zack’s school doesn’t start for a few more days so the school board totally let Mr. Belding bring his six year-old to school so he can see how exciting it is to be Mr. Belding and constantly have to deal with a complete dumb ass fucking up your shit all the time. Lucky him.

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The new student, Tony Dillon (Tom Wade Huntington) comes in to introduce himself, and the most easily impressed audience in the world loses their shit over Tony’s introduction while the rest of us sit back and wonder, “Who the fuck is Tony Dillon?” I guess they’re anticipating they’re supposed to be awed by him. We get some exposition about how Tony’s a transfer student from Valley, where he was a star quarterback. Bayside has gotten five transfer students from Valley on this show. How is it Valley students keep finding their way to Bayside?

Also, I have to say, Tony’s acting on this show is atrocious. I won’t call it the worst we’ve ever seen on the show; after all, season two happened. But going from a guy who could actually act when needed to this is just…jarring…

Maria comes in and is none too happy to find out Tony is Ryan’s replacement. He tries to be cordial, but she’s all, “Fuck you! I remember what you did, you skank!” and walks off, telling him he can get a tour from someone else.

We get some stupid filler in a history class where Nicky wants to know what’s going to be on the final on the first day of school, but the important shit happens when Liz still seems happy so Nicky, Katie, and Eric decide to take it upon themselves to make Liz realize how miserable she is.

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In the hallway, Tony tries to ask Katie for directions to the gym, but Maria steps in and is all, “My friends aren’t going to like you because I don’t like you either, you hoe bag!” Katie’s all, “What’s up with the new guy?” Maria says Tony was her date to her first prom in junior high but he stood her up. Katie says that was like four years ago and maybe Maria should actually try talking to him and see if he’s really the skany butt she thinks he is. Um, Katie, I hate to break it to you, but Maria was on this show four years ago, was at least a sophomore then, and has now been through four first days of school. Maria’s been held back a few times, honey.

Also, they make it pretty clear that this was a junior high prom Tony stood Maria up to. Who the fuck goes to prom in junior high? My school had an eighth grade dance, but it was hardly a prom! It’s like these writers have never been to prom themselves. Maybe Tony stood them up, too!

Maria tells Tony that, if he still wants to talk, she’s ready to listen. He tells her to skip class and meet him at The Max at 1:00 since Bayside obviously doesn’t care if their students skip class to further their social lives.

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But Tony stands Maria up again and she tells the new manager of The Max, Mr. Lombardi, that Tony’s a complete cock head. This is the fourth manager of The Max we’ve seen. How did we get from a shitty magician to a pedophile to a guy who wanted to build a parking lot out of the real estate to Dom Deluise? Maria declares that, now that Tony has stood her up twice, the time for explanations is over and she’s now going to send him to whatever graveyard Screech buried Alison in.

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Screech, at the next table and apparently not giving a shit that one of his students is busy skipping class, asks Little Zack if it’s cool to see how awesome his father is, and Little Zack responds that his father seems like a horribly written shell of his former self from the original series. Screech can’t believe that Little Zack doesn’t think his father is cool and shakes his head that someone would dare diss his gay lover.

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Back at Bayside, Nicky, Katie, and Eric continue trying to convince Liz she’s miserable.

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They even make her a heart-shaped collage of Ryan, including one from the episode he was in a Speedo. I wonder which of them was standing around photographing Ryan shirtless and even wrote, “Hot!” and “The Bomb!” over one of his photos, as if clipped out of an issue of Tiger Beat. I wonder if Katie had something to worry about between Ryan and Nicky after all…

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Maria tells Tony she’s not interested in excuses and shit and runs off, as mature as one would expect her to be.

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In the gym, the football team are working out and Screech puts out some fake weights for Mr. Belding to lift in the hopes that Mr. Belding’s fake strength will impress Little Zack. He does fine with the one on the floor and doesn’t realize that Screech is up to his usual idiocy, but a couple of the players aren’t so naive and find the one on the weight rack, replacing it and making Mr. Belding look like…a normal person?

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Meanwhile, Maria comes in and tell the football team that Tony’s been talking smack about them and how shitty a football team they are. Everyone instantly believes Maria because half the football players are still going to high school well into their twenties…

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…and they decide to make Tony pay for his sins by tackling him a lot, I guess? Tony has no fucking clue what’s going on and just chalks it up to everyone around here having no common sense.

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At The Max, Screech arranges for a fake fight so Mr. Belding can break it up and impress Little Zack. Unfortunately, after Mr. Belding leaves, the two come up and tell Screech they want payment on this show as Little Zack realizes he’s caught in a cheap attempt at laughs that’s utterly failing because the writers of this show don’t understand comedy, even after six years.

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Nicky, Katie, and Eric come in to find Liz on a date with a blonde boy named Brian. No! That’s not Brian! Brian is a fake Swiss guy who wanted to fuck Rachel! Wait, Liz is replacement Rachel. Maybe this is the fake Swiss guy and he’s become some sort of shape-shifter, continuing to attempt to get the blonde girl in the cast. In any case, the three insist that Liz is only dating this new guy because she misses Ryan, and Brian runs off in total fear and confusion of what the current cast is actually like.

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Maria finds Tony’s gotten a job at The Max and reveals to him that she got the football team to fuck him up, and he’s finally tired of being the shitty center of a stupid plot and tries to tell him off, but Mr. Lombardi comes around and tells him he can’t talk to a customer like that and he’s fired. Geez, all the shitty things employees of The Max have done over the years and being a little rude to a customer gets you fired but sleeping with an underage employee doesn’t? What kind of rules does this place follow?

In any case, the camera pans away and shows Samantha Becker doing her best to emote that she’s feeling guilty over Tony being fired.

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Back at Bayside, Katie overhears Tony on the phone trying to get another job followed by the entire football team coming around to tell them him they don’t like high school students who are still teenagers and they’re going to continue beating the crap out of him. He tells them that he’s signed a contract to be on this show so they better fucking get used to it!

Katie tells Maria that she’s a fuckwad for getting Tony fired but not even giving him a chance to explain.

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And Nicky and Eric find Liz crying with a picture of Ryan sitting in a classroom and they feel good that they made her realize how miserable she is. After they walk away, she throws the picture in her locker and is all, “Fuck that shit! Ryan was a shitty ass boyfriend anyway!” and walks away with Brian to discover what fake nationality he is in this incarnation.

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In Mr. Beldings office, Screech apologizes to Little Zack for being his usual idiotic self and trying to make Mr. Belding seem like someone he’s not. That’s when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar walks in, so a typical day with unrealistic occurrences at Bayside. Turns out Kareem goes to the same gym as Screech and is here to go to lunch with him.

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Little Zack’s expression pretty much sums up my feelings on this: why the fuck is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on The New Class? I guess it’s a better excuse than how they got Jim Harbaugh or Shannon Miller on the show, but, still, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar couldn’t have been this hard up for money, could he?

In any case, Kareem is here for one reason: to tell Little Zack that school principals are cool. He then fades back into obscurity but not before giving Mr. Belding some long, hard looks after Screech claims he is the person he is today because of Mr. Belding. You know, that might be the most self-aware this show has ever been about Screech’s idiocy. Glad to see they’re finally realizing how stupid he is. Also, and I don’t know how to say this any other way…

YOU PAID FOR A CAMEO FROM KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR IN AN EPISODE THAT ISN’T EVEN SPORTS-THEMED JUST SO HE COULD TELL A SIX YEAR-OLD HIS FATHER IS COOL!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING IDIOTS?!?!

God, I hate this show. After six seasons, I still fucking hate this god damned show!

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So let’s wrap up our main plot as Maria apologizes to Tony for getting him fired and says she’ll get Mr. Lombardi to hire him back because The Max operates at the whim of our current cast. Tony tells Maria he missed her at The Max because a job interview went over and he didn’t show up to the prom because he couldn’t afford a tuxedo and was ashamed to be seen that way. Turns out his schtick is going to be that he’s poor and shit because, after the Paris trip, the writers forgot they already have someone poor in the cast. And our episode ends with Maria welcoming Tony to Bayside and Tony trying to get it on with Maria, setting us up for things to come this season.

You know what would actually be interesting: if Tony didn’t fully integrate into the gang for at least a few episodes. After all, Katie and Eric are the only other members he even talked to this episode. Of course, this is The New Class, so odds are he’s fully a member like he’s always been there and always will be by next week.

Firsts: Tony Dillon, Tony likes Maria.

The New Class Season 5 Recap

So we’re nearing the home stretch, and this season was weird, to say the least. To remind us of where we’re coming from, let’s take a quick look at where we’ve been in this series. Season one was bad, but in a “they’re just copying the original class nearly word for word” sort of bad. Season two was complete and utter shit and best relegated to the dust bin. Season three saw a significant improvement but still had some pretty bad episodes and made Lindsay and Tommy D feel superfluous. Season four did better on integrating the cast as a whole but it felt like they had no clue what attributes to give the new cast members.

Then there’s season five. You would think that, with only one cast change this season, they would try to learn from the mistakes of last season and actually make a good season of this show. Instead, we get what may be the weirdest season thus far. With the exception of the very short rivalry between Ryan and Nicky over Liz, there were no clear threads this season.

Instead, it feels like the writers were throwing darts at a giant bulletin board full of story ideas and just going with the stupidest possible shit they could come up with. Nicky randomly breaking up with Maria over pot? Check. The boys getting stuck in an elevator? Check. Ryan suddenly being a swim team captain? Why the hell not, even though he was established as a wrestler last season. And this isn’t even counting the “away from Bayside” episodes, which, oh, I promise I’ll get to…

All in all, this season feels fucking boring. With the exception of Nicky and Katie getting back together in the penultimate episode, nothing of any lasting significance happened this season. Nothing. In a show that already feels horribly copied from its predecessor, this season felt like a filler season, like they had to pump out twenty-six episodes and so they put out twenty-six episodes that just leave one scratching their head and asking if that’s really the best they could come up with.

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I mean, the writing quality was bad, even for this show. There were times it seemed like they were trying their damndest to keep up continuity, but then, other times, they just completely made shit up, the best instance being Screech not quitting his job as security guard at the mall after he told Mr. Belding he would. It’s just all so mediocre that I almost miss the bad writing of season two. At least that gave me something to get really pissed off about.

And I’m trying to be generous. I know this was Miguel Higuera’s first season as director and that he was filling big shoes after Don Barnhardt’s departure from the franchise. But, if Higuera couldn’t at least be as good as the previous season, maybe they should have gotten someone else to do the job. I just picture Higuera showing up drunk to the set every day and just telling the cast to act as stupid as they can while not exhibiting real emotion.

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And the away from Bayside episodes…oh my lord…

Besides the mall episodes, which I’m come to expect this show to do a ton of, we had the Paris episodes, the Habitat for Humanity episodes, and the wilderness episodes. These three arcs may be the three worst in the history of this franchise and would have been more entertaining had it just been our eight cast members sitting in an empty room reading from Atlas Shrugged. By far, the wilderness arc was the worst of the three and doesn’t deserve to exist, but all three have their moments of facepalming awfulness, from Americans doing horrible French accents to not understanding basic immigration procedures to building a house in two weeks to Maria becoming Bear Grylls instantly to the worst looking outdoor set in the history of television.

I mean, seriously, these eight episodes can go fuck themselves. And, by request, I counted how many episodes were away from Bayside this season. There were thirteen, meaning that half the season of a show that takes place in high school doesn’t take place in high school. Mind you, I’m getting used to this as thirteen episodes each of seasons two, three and four also took place away from Bayside, but it’s still ridiculous.


Let’s talk characters.

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Ryan continues the trajectory his character started last season of being a horrible asshole when it so suits the plot. At other times, we’re supposed to love and respect him as the default leader of the gang. Really, neither works because he’s long lost the playfulness and Zack Morris-like scheming that made me like him back in season three. Most of this season, he was solely defined by his relationship with Liz as the writers seemed desperate to ram that little subplot down our throats before Richard Lee Jackson left the cast.

And, yet, it didn’t have to be this way. There were interesting threads around, like the rivalry between Nicky and him, the pain over his break-up with Rachel (which could have easily been tied in with his cheating on her last season), and his…well, let’s face it, they didn’t give him a whole lot to do this season. Every time it looked like Ryan was going to get something interesting to do, they let it drop after a couple of episodes and pressed the rest button to ensure we wouldn’t have to think of it again. The character I once thought was the best addition this series ever made is a shell of his former self, and it shows.

As for Richard Lee Jackson, he’s continued acting on and off over the years, mostly in small roles, with his most recent gig being a 2014 episode of Grimm. He’s never quite been able to get out of the shadow of his more famous and successful brother, Jonathan Jackson, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying. He’s also tried his hand at music with his older brother to mixed reviews. These days, he mostly stays at home in Nashville and works on his graphic design business. If you’re curious what he’s up to nowadays, you can always check him out on Twitter where you can see two things: that he hasn’t aged a bit since the ’90s and that he is really, really in love with Ted Cruz.

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Maria had a lot of episodes devoted to her, some of them the worst episodes of the season. The writers broke Nicky and her up very early, freeing her up to do not a whole lot of shit important to the show before eventually dating an older man and nearly killing Ryan. She would be the Screech of this season if it weren’t for Screech actually being on the show.

Yeah, other than her breakup with Nicky, nothing this season really feels like it matters. Her short-lived relationship with Mike is soon forgotten. She sees no character development or regression, her characterization is horribly inconsistent, ranging from tough Latina to little princess stereotype, and she’s just kind of there most of the time. Hard to believe she’s going to go into season six as the senior cast member considering the writers don’t seem to know what to do with her.

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Nicky…what can I say about Nicky? At least he’s not talking about New York every episode anymore. Hell, I’m not even sure the writers remember all the shit about New York from last season. There is one thing consistent about Nicky’s major plot points this season: they all come the fuck out of nowhere. His breaking up with Maria, his desire to date Liz, and his getting back together with Katie all feel like the writers were just looking for random ways to shake things up so they started playing eine meaney miney mo with the female members of the cast.

And here’s the thing about Nicky: out of the male members of the cast, I care about Nicky less than any of them. There is no difference in characterization between Nicky and Ryan. None. Well, except maybe he doesn’t fill out a Speedo as well as Ryan. But if he was meant to replace Tommy D, they did a pretty shitty job of characterization. Nicky is useless on this show and I think the writers knew it. I just hope they do something to differentiate him from the new cast member next season.

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Katie continues to be poor as her sole characterization, and even that is inconsistent. After all, how the fuck can she afford to go to Paris and on the wilderness trip? Sometimes she’s a voice of reason, more often she’s an idiot who runs around whining about not being able to find a job or obsessively stalking her boyfriend. The writers can’t seem to make up their minds what they want to do with her.

And yet she would have made a good candidate for a replacement for Lindsay, but the writers, for some reason, insist on trying to make her more of a Jessie when that’s obviously not who her character is. What are we supposed to make of her? I doubt even the writers knew, and why should they? By this season they were just inserting Katie into whatever random plot or subplot they needed.

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Let me make this clear: Eric is at his best when he’s doing something music related, even if it’s the ridiculous gangster rap he tried to do this season. He’s at his worst when the writers are insisting on trying to make him a football star or making him whine about Paris and shit. Like R.J. and Bobby before him, Eric seems like the most underused member of the cast, although that began to pick up this season when he got a two episode relationship arc as the writers showed their ignorance of basic immigration procedures.

And there’s a strange trend: Eric being teamed up with Screech when they don’t know what else to do with him. Seriously, as lukewarm as I am on Eric, I don’t consider him such a huge idiot he would risk his liberty to do shit with Screech. If Eric were just abandoned a the wilderness lodge and no one ever came to pick him up, do you suppose any of the gang would notice?

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It’s only when I write this recap that I realize how many of the characters could have been exchanged with a cardboard box and there would be no discernible difference in the plot, but nowhere is that more evident than with Liz. The writers seemed to have been searching for a new character with all the blandness of Rachel and none of the interesting bits, and they rolled that into her. Seriously, like Rachel before her, Liz is almost solely defined by the man she’s with.

I’m serious: without Ryan, I can’t imagine what Liz will do next season. She has the swim thing but you know they won’t give a shit about that beyond maybe an episode or two. She occasionally acts as the voice of reason when everyone else are acting like idiots, except when she’s acting like an idiot herself.  They were in such a rush to pair her with Ryan this season they didn’t bother giving Liz an actual personality, so you’re left to assume that Maria and Katie bragging about how much more awesome Rachel was than her is an accurate assessment of Liz’s character.

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And then there’s Screech and Mr. Belding. How Screech keeps a job is beyond me. One of the clip episodes even focused on how much of a fuck up he’s been this season, and that’s not even counting his stupidity from the previous three seasons. That nice lovable but goofy character from Good Morning Miss Bliss is now a law suit waiting to happen as he infests Bayside with the presence of a two year old caught in a grown up’s body. How women keep falling for him season after season is beyond me. I’d be afraid of being killed by his utter stupidity.

Poor Mr. Belding has now made the full transition to Screech’s lackey. Several of you have commented that Dennis Haskins was unhappy with the direction the writers took Mr. Belding, basically turning him into a nincompoop who was the butt of every stupid Screech idea, and I can believe it. I’ve said many times that Mr. Belding is at his best when he’s the loving but strict mentor figure to the gang, but I don’t think we’ve truly seen that side of him in a very long time. Instead, we get to see him run through Paris with plaster on his head or through the wilderness dressed in the world’s worst bird costume. Either must have been humiliating to Haskins.

Of course, with both of them gone so often from Bayside, the real question becomes how Bayside runs with its only two administrators traveling the world with six of their students. I wish I knew. If I was gone that often from my job, I’d be fired, and with good reason. I guess they should be glad the school board doesn’t give a shit what anyone does.


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I don’t even know how to adequately sum this season up except to say it feels like it shouldn’t exist. The writers feel like they were at least trying to explore unexplored territory, but it’s either really boring or downright ridiculous. Nothing about the existence of this season makes any sense.

And yet, as I prepare to review the final twenty-six episodes of this show, I have to comment that it feels like this isn’t the same show I started reviewing two years ago. And that’s the sad thing: in the end, nothing matters on this show because Mr. Belding and Screech are the only elements that can’t be replaced. And I think that’s going to end up being the crux of the problem with this show: you could keep replacing cast members forever and it won’t matter because no one, from the writers to the director to the producers or even the set designer, gave a shit about this show. They were just watching it continue to rake in the dough from poor kids who wanted this to be the Saved by the Bell of their generation.

Mercifully, they wouldn’t have to wait much longer for this curse to end.


My Picks

As usual, here are the five episodes from this season I hate more than the others since, yet again, we have a season where I don’t particularly like any of them, though I did think of including Thug Dog Little’s episode as an honorable mention since it was so stupid. Please feel free to agree or disagree in the comments!

Episode 4: “Football & Physics”The New Class should not have tried to take on racism. What I’m sure they meant as a serious examination of a societal ill just makes it look like the writers have no clue what racism is and they perpetuate the stereotype that African Americans are always pulling the race card for everything. Seriously, after seeing how California Dreams handled racism, it’s even more painful to realize how much of an utter failure this episode is.

Episode 11: “Friends Behaving Badly”: Everybody acts out of the little character they normally exhibit this episode as everyone acts like a stupid idiot to Nicky but still want to go on yet another trip. These six fuck-ups must be the most privileged idiots in the world to get to go on so many worldwide trips every year.

Episode 16: “Screech and the Substitute”: Okay, I get it. I’ve been saying it all along: no woman should ever want to have sex with Screech. Yet, after you’ve spent three seasons charcterizing him as a lady’s man, you can’t just randomly have the gang decide to agree with me! Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking with this stupid episode!

Episode 23: “Private Peterson”: I will always remember this episode as the MRA episode. Seriously, the guys in this episode are so stereotypically misogynist it’s painful to watch. The conflict shouldn’t even be a conflict, as why the hell would Eric take those assholes’ sides over Katie. To top it off, the writers obviously don’t understand how ROTC works and it shows.

Episode 24: “Into the Woods”: Yeah, no surprise this episode is on here, right? There is so much wrong with this episode that I couldn’t get it all into the review, so you all kindly commented with the many things I missed. This one is a contender for worst episode of the season. I’d rather watch Lindsay’s anorexia episode, Rachel’s date rape episode, or the smoking episode over this one any day.


With that pain over, tune in Monday as we dive into season six of this horrible, horrible series. And don’t forget to check out my other review blog, California Dreams Reviewed, where I’m tackling another of Peter Engel’s ugly bastard children!

The New Class Season 5, Episode 26: “Forget and Forgive”

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We open one last time at the wilderness lodge, where Mr. Belding tells the gang their bus back to season six has arrived and it’s time to go home. Mr. Belding tells them to make sure they all have their stuff because, if anything’s left behind, they’re not coming back for it. With that, Mr. Belding and the students leave and board the bus for home.

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But, oh, what glorious thing was left behind! Yes, they forgot Screech, presumably because they subconsciously hope a bear will rip him to shreds as he walks home! Screech, being a complete moron, doesn’t run out the door to try and catch them. Instead, he assumes everyone’s playing hide and seek and starts looking for them…for forty fucking minutes! No joke! It takes him forty minutes to realize they’re gone!

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Yeah, just imagine that face staring in your window at night!

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But, after they’re not in a small desk drawer, Screech finally realizes the awful truth: he is the weakest link on this show and the final two seasons would be better without him!

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Jose, a maintenance man, comes in to clean the floors, and the episode turn into a clip show. Yeah, no joke, the first quarter of this episode is pretty much Screech bugging Jose, who’s just trying to do his fucking job and earn money to support his family, by telling him stories of how awesome he is with everyone at Bayside, which is fucking selective memory because even the clips he does remember he doesn’t remember the crazy ass behavior on his part that went along with them.

Yes, we’re ending yet another season with a clip show episode. I don’t know why this should surprise me at this point. After all, we haven’t had an actual original season finale since season two, and that one was basically a collection of sucky cameos. Oh, The New Class. You are predictably awful!

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Jose, for his part, looks terrified, like he’s met a crazy person and is soon to have his insides ripped out. I’d like to think Jose is representative of all of us when we watch this stupid fucking show, terrified that, any moment, Screech will jump out of the television and murder us like he did Tori and Danielle and Alison and the Pink Power Ranger and now, presumably, Claire!

And, no joke, Jose is great, maybe the best character on The New Class this season! I could do an entire gallery of his terrified looks as Screech just keeps acting bat shit crazy around him!

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The bus comes back to save Jose and reluctantly bring Screech home, saying they realized he was gone when he wasn’t annoying the shit out of all of them.

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Jose tells Maria that’s one crazy mother fucker they’ve got acting as an adult chaperon, and Maria’s all, “I know, but we only have to put up with him a short time longer!” Jose rushes straight off the set so he can get the fuck away from Screech before he loses his life or some shit. Bye, Jose! You were awesome!

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But we still have too much time left in the episode, so Screech is so pissed at Mr. Belding for leaving him that he’s refusing to get on the bus. Good! Fucking leave his ass stranded in the wilderness! No one wants him around anyway! But, no, our gang can’t do that, so they remind Screech through clips how many fucking times he’s screwed up. It’s too bad they limited the scope of their clips to this season. If you counted all four years Screech has been on this show, you could really paint a picture of a man that should have no contact with impressionable children!

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But, after the clips, Mr. Belding’s suddenly having a moment of insight of just how much of an idiot he’s been for not firing Screech way back in season two the first time he did something stupid. But, instead of having a rational reaction and deciding to fire Screech once they get back, Mr. Belding now refuses to go back on the bus. I guess he assumes his long suffering wife will come pick him up in the middle of nowhere.

So, with our teenage protagonists acting more like adults than the fucking adults on this show, they remind Mr. Belding and Screech how much the two of them have helped one another and how good of friends they are. Ignore the fact that, every fucking time Screech did something for Mr. Belding, it only made him look stupid and idiotic. We’ve got to create the impression Screech isn’t a worthless piece of shit!

Also, judging by some of the clips they use, the gang are spying on Mr. Belding’s office as they know about shit that happened in the privacy of Mr. Belding’s office with only the two of them there.

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All this is enough to make Mr. Belding and Screech forgive each other and decide to go back together after all. Everyone gathers their shit and Mr. Belding tells them not to forget anything this time.

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And our episode and season ends with the realization the they forgot Eric this time. I have to admit, it would have been clever had they left Ryan behind instead, given we won’t be seeing him next season, but this is The New Class, which doesn’t have a clever bone in its body.


And that’s it for season five! As usual, I’ll have a recap this Wednesday. And tune in next week for the beginning of the end as we delve into season six of a show that should have ended five seasons ago!