Well, only took us three episodes into the season to get out of Bayside again. Welcome back to the mall, where we quickly get some exposition to explain that Maria’s “Not a Clue” button is promoting a band playing at the Teen Machine, not a sign of the writers’ general competence on this show. Also, I think Maria’s officially worked at the Teen Machine longer than anyone else in this franchise has ever held a job. Katie’s still working for the gym and Nicky’s back to working for the movie theater for some reason.
And Liz is working as the assistant to the mall manager because that’s a job that often goes to teenagers still in high school. I’m sure all of this is setting up some exciting plots for later this season, but it has absolutely no relevance to the plot of this episode.
No, this episode is about Nicky’s cousin, Chloe, visiting from “out east,” because the writers are apparently scared to have Nicky say New York anymore after how ridiculous it became in season four. Tony practically wets himself there’s a girl coming to visit, but Nicky assures him Chloe is geeky and boring and shit and thus should never feel the touch of a man.
So this is an Eric episode and, since the only things we really know about Eric his third season on the show is that he plays football, sings, has lots of siblings, and never has a girlfriend longer than an episode (Danielle was a fluke). So we need to make up some bullshit for him to have something to do this episode. Suddenly, Eric is a playa and dating every girl he can find. That’s why he’s only been a serial monogamist previously. Nicky and Tony thinks it kicks ass that Eric dates so many girls and nothing about this could possibly be a part of the plot of the episode.
Also, Eric now works at Petzilla. Nothing to do with the episode but they want to make sure they quickly establish where our gang will be spending time at the mall this season.
You know, when I first saw Screech with hands around his neck, I hoped that Mr. Belding had finally gotten wise and was killing him once and for all. But, no, this is another mall store for the season, Gadgets and Gizmos, which just happens to be owned by Mr. Belding’s brother-in-law. God, Mr. Belding’s family must be rich if they can afford to own so many failed stores. Mr. Belding’s decided to manage the store while his brother-in-law is recovering from a freak accident because the best person to look after your business is a guy who spends eight to twelve hours a day in a demanding school administration job. No wonder so many of this guy’s stores go out of business!
Screech assumes that, since Mr. Belding works there, he gets a job too since that’s always been the way it worked in the past, even though he couldn’t handle two jobs last season, a plot point conveniently forgotten by all. Mr. Belding says he can’t hire Screech, not because he’s a complete moron, but because he’s fully staffed, which leads Screech into plotting for his subplot.
At the gym, Katie meets a girl who says she used to take baths with Nicky. Turns out this is Chloe, and that’s a hella creepy way to introduce yourself to your cousin’s girlfriend: by letting her know you got to see his penis before she did. She’s looking for him at the gym because…damned if I know! Is she just wondering around the mall asking random people if they know him and telling them about how they’ve seen each other naked?
Eric comes in and, since he’s now a playa, immediately gets to work trying to fuck Chloe. He asks her to lunch, promising now that Screech isn’t a security guard, she’s fully protected. On the way out, Eric tells Nicky he has a date with a hot babe. Nicky has reservations but Eric assures him he’ll take good care of her, which sounds creepy as fuck.
And Katie gets Maria and Liz to sign up for an aerobics class when they find out there’s a hot guy teaching it because they need something to keep them busy as well!
I kid you not: in the food court, Screech jumps out at one of Mr. Belding’s employees from behind a plant, squawking like a parrot and telling him how psycho of a boss Mr. Belding is. Naturally, if I was this guy, I would think Screech was the complete psychopath, but this is the Saved by the Bell universe, where you believe anything that moves the plot along. The employee goes to tell his coworkers and, yeah. I’m ready for this episode to be over already.
The aerobics instructor praises Maria and Liz for their performance and encourages them to sign up for his advanced class. Naturally, since their entire shtick this episode is trying to make a man want to fuck them, they instantly agree, each trying to one up the other about how awesome they are.
Chloe shows Nicky and Tony the rose Eric bought her after lunch and says they’re going out tomorrow night because he has to work and she’s obviously smitten over the guy who has only once has a girlfriend longer than an episode.
But then Eric comes in with another girl whom he’s also given a rose and says he’ll pick her up tonight. Nicky confronts Eric on this and says it’s no big deal he’s polyamorous.
In the aerobics class, Liz is doing good but Maria has trouble keeping up. She gets a cramp and the instructor takes her off to show her stretching exercises, which I assume is code for hot fucking. Seriously, do any girls actually try to get a guy’s attention like this?
Nicky confronts Eric when he finds him flirting with yet another girl, and convinces Eric to tell Chloe that he’s dating other girls during his date. And Nicky and Katie will be there, of course, because Chloe thought it would be fun to double date.
At Gadgets and Gizmos, Screech finds his plan worked and all the employees quit. He jumps in to sell a parascope to a short man and Mr. Belding hires him. So I guess Gadgets and Gizmos sells whatever stupid shit the prop department just happens to have lying around.
At the theater, which is newly remodeled and doesn’t quite look as bad as the old folding chair theater, Eric and Chloe seem to be getting along great Chloe loves Eric and thinks she’ll be together with him forever, but Eric’s not telling Chloe about the other girls. Eric gets up to get some popcorn and Nicky decides to tell Chloe the truth: other than a fake French girl, Eric never dates a girl longer than an episode. Outraged, she marches out and tells Eric to fuck the fucking fuck off as she was hoping Eric would be her key to becoming a part of the cast.
Back at Gadgets and Gizmos, Screech is fucking up as usual, tearing off a piece of some lady’s horrible looking wig. Really, they couldn’t have made it look any faker if it were on William Shatner’s head. No woman had ever purposely had hair that looked like that.
Screech apologizes for being a fuck up and Mr. Belding says it’s not his fault but the employees that quit and left him with no choice but to hire Screech yet again. Screech confesses that he got the employees to quit and Mr. Belding acts surprised that Screech fucked up yet again. Screech decides to quit since even he now knows he’s a giant fuck up.
Eric confronts Nicky for telling Chloe about the other girls and says it’s his business how many girls he tries to fuck.
After a commercial break, Katie pretends to flirt with Tony and asks Eric not to tell Nicky. He thinks that’s shitty and suddenly realizes he’s the one who’s supposed to learn a lesson this episode. No shit, Eric. You should have read the synopsis ahead of time.
Screech brings the old employees back in and Mr. Belding hires them back. He instantly rehires them, but one still quits and, since Screech is sorry, Mr. Belding hires Screech back, too, because that seems to be the theme of this season: sorry fixes everything!
Maria and Liz are wore out from the aerobics class and demand which one of them the instructor wants to fuck. He says he doesn’t date students, even former students. No, the correct answer is: I don’t date jail bait. But this is the Saved by the Bell universe. At least this subplot is over.
Nicky and Katie try to make Chloe feel better but nothing seems to do the trick. They leave her alone and Eric comes in to apologize to Nicky and hit the great big reset button.
Eric apologizes to Chloe for hurting her and, going along with the theme of the season, sorry fixes everything. And our episode ends with Eric and Chloe preparing to go on another movie date as Nicky and Katie watch creepily in the background. Too bad now that the episode is over, so is their relationship!
Firsts: Gadgets and Gizmos, Petzilla.