We open in the hall at Bayside, with Screech running into Mr. Belding while roller blading and wearing a gay pride shirt. Seriously, when you see where their subplot is going, this shirt is going to seem really ironic! Mr. Belding tells Screech to cut this shit off since he’s constantly doing stupid and idiotic dumb fuckery, and Screech acts offended that Mr. Belding would reprimand him for doing stupid things. How Screech manages to not get killed by random household objects is beyond me.
In our main plot, the Teen Machine is “closed for remodeling,” whatever the fuck that means, and Maria’s looking for part time work. Tony’s all, “TONY FIND JOB AT MAX FOR MARIA! MARIA AND TONY WORK TOGETHER!” Maria’s unsure at first whether she should work with her idiot boyfriend, but Tony’s all, “TONY AND MARIA HANKY PANKY ON BREAK!” and this is enough to convince her.
In our other subplot, Eric got a new Walkman as a gift but Nicky’s suspicious that shenanigans are afoot since the card is addressed to “Cornelius.” Eric finally reveals that his real first name is Cornelius, which sends Nicky into a fit of hysterics over what I assume is his amazement that the writers decided this should be a subplot.
At The Max, Maria already has the job and is impressing her new boss, Mr. Ranaldi, because, yes, The Max has yet another new manager since the casting department didn’t have the foresight to try and keep the old manager under contract for an additional episode. And Tony and Maria enjoy the perks of hankey pankey at work.
And the wacky hijinks continue as Nicky reveals Eric’s real name to Katie, who also thinks it’s hilarious that the writers would turn this into a subplot.
Oh, and Mr. Belding catches Screech having lunch with the principal from Central and talking about how much of a better boss he would be. So, we’re just going to forget that an entire episode a couple seasons ago focused on why Screech didn’t want to go to another school? Okay, just checking.
Back at Bayside, Screech discovers that Mr. Belding is finally sick and tired of doing this same idiotic stuff every week so he’s decided to hire a new administrative assistant. OH HALLELUJAH! YES! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! Unfortunately, they decide that they need to make it work for the kids, though, and, I kid you not, they’re going to seek counseling for their relationship issues.
Jesus fucking Christ. Could this show make Screech and Mr. Belding out to be gay lovers any more than they already have?
At The Max, Eric finds out that Nicky told Katie about his real name, who told Liz, who had nothing better to do this episode so she told the whole school. Now everyone knows the subplot of the episode is about Eric’s name and shit. Eric’s pissed off that an entire subplot now revolves around his real name and runs out of the restaurant.
Mr. Ranaldi tells Maria and Tony that his sister is having a baby so he has to go to San Francisco. He says he wants to leave Maria in charge because of her previous experience as a manager and because she knows payroll and scheduling and shit. Jesus, how long does he think he’s going to be gone to see a fucking baby? This isn’t bereavement leave, buddy. In any case, Tony says he’s okay with it because most reasonable people would be, and Mr. Ranaldi immediately runs out to go to San Francisco as Tony reveals to Nicky that, surprise, surprise, he may not be as okay as he acts.
After a commercial break, Maria’s doing awful things like asking Tony to do his fucking job, and this guy too old to be hanging out with teenagers gives Tony shit for it.
Nicky tries to apologize to Eric for spilling his secret, and Eric decides the way to make it up is for Nicky to tell Eric a secret about him. Nicky’s like, “That’s fucking bullshit,” and gets the hell out of there.
And now Mr. Belding and Screech go through relationship counseling, and I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried.
The counselor gives them foam bats to express each other in a complete rip-off of The Simpsons, and Screech proceeds to beat Mr. Belding with the bat when he says he’s sick of wacky plots every week and Screech not respecting him as his boss. Fucking hell, I’m trying to figure out what Mr. Belding is supposed to have done wrong! He’s working with an insane person who seems determined to be as insane as possible.
Maria and Tony meet at a redress of the Eiffel Tower set for a date as Tony freaks out over everything Maria says. Tony’s all, “ME NO LIKE GIRLFRIEND BOSSING ME! TONY IS MANLY MAN!”
Eric randomly shows up after Tony goes to get some ice cream and Maria asks Eric if she’s acting different. Eric’s all, “No, Tony’s just forcing super toxic masculine bull shit because he has no other character traits he can fall back on.”
Back at Bayside, the counselor asks herself what life decisions she made to end up in the second to last season of The New Class. She has them pretend to be each other, and Screech basically portrays his boss as elderly, obese, and incompetent, while Mr. Belding portrays Screech as an insane man who once brought a tiger into Bayside. Seriously, who has the problem: the guy who brings a tiger into a high school or the one who wants his students to be safe?
The counselor gets sick of all this bull shit and gets the hell out of there while she still has a career to salvage.
At The Max, Eric wears the bad wig he did back in season four to try and get some information on Nicky and Nicky nearly falls for it because recognizing faces is hard. Seriously, how is it no one can tell the difference between a person and the same person in a wig?
Maria tells Tony to get off his break and give a table their check. It’s wrong, so they ask to see the manager and, when Maria comes back, Tony goes off on her for…making him look bad? What the fuck was she supposed to say? “Oh, sorry, no manager for you today! You must deal with bad actor waiter!” Seriously, this plot makes absolutely no sense, and it doesn’t help that Tony decides to break up with Maria over her doing her job.
After a commercial break, Mr. Ranaldi is back and happy with the job Maria did during the indeterminate amount of time she was manager.
And Tony’s all, “NOW MAN BOSS BACK AND MARIA AND TONY HAVE HANKEY PANKEY AGAIN!” Maria gets sick of his bullshit, though, and throws a sponge at him, telling him he’s an idiot and bordering on being like one of the guys from the MRA episode. After she walks away, Nicky basically puts Tony in his place and tells him he’s acting like a moron and needs to stop in order for this plot to be resolved.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech is packing up random shit that’s he’s keeping there for some reason, including the bad Eiffel Tower hat he bought in Paris, because the way to maintain some continuity was to remind me of those episodes. They start talking about their feelings and shit and though, as usual, Mr. Belding has done absolutely nothing wrong, they decide they both see the other’s point of view and so Screech, to my dismay, can stay on this show a while longer.
And the other subplot is resolved when Eric calls Nicky’s grandmother and then announces on the intercom that Nicky takes baths every night with his Beanie Babies, because if there was a worse possible subplot than one about Eric’s name, that was it.
Tony finds Maria on the Eiffel Tower park and is all, “TONY SORRY FOR BEING BADLY WRITTEN FUCKHEAD! TONY LOVE MARIA AND WANT HANKY PANKEY BACK! TONY NO ACT LIKE IDIOT ANYMORE THIS EPISODE!” This is apparently enough for Maria to forgive Tony and press the reset button in less than a minute, because breaking up with someone for doing their fucking job isn’t a warning sign of an emotional abuser at all.
And our episode ends with Tony getting his precious hankey pankey back and, for once, the audience doesn’t have time to lose their shit as we fade into the end credits.
Is it just going to be a running theme this season that every episode is pointless?
Firsts: Eric’s first name (Cornelius).