This one’s a doozey folks, so try to keep up. I apologize for how stupid this all sounds, but, I swear, it’s this whole stupid episode…
We open in the movie theater, where Tony and Maria confirm through exposition that they are, indeed, dating now, in case you’re like me and confused as to their status after their single major interaction at the dance two weeks ago. Glad to know they’re such a loving couple in love now.
But, just as they’re getting ready to go hot and heavy with each other, the rest of the gang shows up. This really serves no purpose other than to delay Tony’s attempt to finger bang Maria and so Nicky and Katie can give some exposition about a teen dating show called Two of Hearts coming to Bayside. Naturally, Nicky and Katie plan on trying out because they’re suddenly The New Class‘s answer to Zack Morris and Kelly. Also, Liz wants to be a producer all of the sudden because she suddenly has time for all that shit with her swimming and all.
Tony and Maria tell the other’s to fuck off…
…and Tony is all, “YOU…ARE…BEAUTIFUL…LET…US…KISS…AS…I…GROPE…YOUR…EAR…FOR…I…AM…ACTING!!!” It’s their first kiss and, yeah, I actually went back and check from two weeks ago. The New Class actually restrained themselves from having Maria and Tony get to first base sooner so the audience could lose their shit.
At Bayside, Screech suddenly has a thing for biker magazines that look like they were printed in the ’70s. Yeah, our subplot involving him and Mr. Belding this week is that they suddenly both want a motorcycle, so they decide to buy one, because Mr. Belding is having a midlife crisis I guess and Screech thinks women will finally want to touch him if he has one.
The producer of the show, Del Stevens, and the host, Kitty Katz….I cannot believe I just had to type that pun. Seriously, Kitty Katz. I can’t even…
In any case, they show up and it turns out they’re literally having the game show at Bayside because why the hell not! Who needs television studios when you can just film your show at random high schools? I wonder if this was the solution to one of Bayside’s many budget crises after Mr. Belding took the gang on way too many field trips…
Liz asks Del for a job as a student producer and he’s instantly like, “Sure! Why not!” If jobs in television are that easy to get, I should head on down to the local station and get one of my own!
And Eric gets a job doing a commercial during the show, because it makes no sense to just, I don’t know, tape advertisements for your show’s sponsors when you can just have a random student possibly fuck it up live on the air! They were looking for someone who can act, but they’re on The New Class so they’ll have to take what they can get.
Nicky and Katie ask Maria and Tony if they’ll be trying out and they say they don’t know. Turns out Tony doesn’t know shit about Maria but, when they find out the prize is two new cars, they decide to go for it.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding and Screech now co-own a motorcycle which is, for some reason, in Mr. Belding’s office, the same office that held a tiger and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the last few weeks. I don’t know why Mr. Belding doesn’t learn from the past never to do shit with Screech, but he’s done it anyway and now Screech is going to take the bike out for a spin. Let’s hope he doesn’t wear a helmet.
It’s time for auditions, but not before we find out Liz’s all-important job is getting Del coffee and stuff! Aren’t you glad Liz is doing important things like that on this show now!
Nicky and Katie are first up and keep completing each other’s sentences as if they’re some cliche-ridden characters. The only other auditions are for a couple who hate each other until Maria and Tony come along. They haven’t been dating for long, but Del and Kitty see potential in them, telling them they’re going to be the winners.
And, how they are going to achieve this is by Del and Kitty giving Maria and Tony the answers ahead of time so they can memorize their answers. Kitty tells them the audience wants to see cool kids win so this is how they do it. Unfortunately, Tony is nowhere in the vicinity of cool, but the writers want us to believe he is since he’s theoretically following in the footsteps of Zack Morris.
Meanwhile, surprise, surprise, Screech managed to crash the motorcycle while racing his new motorcycle friends. I see there’s a poster in the background for a sailing club. Can’t Mr. Belding just make Screech the faculty adviser so he can sail to a desert island and get stuck?
Eric uses his gig on the commercial to get lots of dates because, you know, he didn’t learn anything from trying to be a playa on Nicky’s cousin a few weeks ago.
And Liz continues doing important tasks like getting Del’s food. Eric and Liz might as well not even be in this episode if the writers are just going to invent stupid mini-subplots for them that jar us from the main plot and make no sense!
Maria and Tony debate the ethics of cheating, especially since it would mean Nicky and Katie can’t win, but then Nicky and Katie come in and talk smack about their superior relationship, so Maria and Tony suddenly decide they want to win.
Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech lost the motorcycle in a bet with his new motorcycle friends. Naturally, this pisses off Mr. Belding because he hasn’t had eleven years of experience to know that Screech screws up every thing he touches.
And it’s time for Two of Hearts!
Basically, it’s a rip-off of The Newlywed Game except they aren’t married so I’m not sure the point. The questions start out easy, but then switch to things like what video-game character would you be. Yeah, Nicky wants to be Yoshi because he likes putting things in his mouth I guess and is lonely since Ryan moved away.
And, yeah, after round one, Maria and Tony are up by fifteen points.
In the all important Liz subplot, Liz gets tired of doing chores for Del so he promotes her to executive student producer and she runs off to do more of his chores because she’s an idiot this week.
Nicky and Katie suspect Maria and Tony are somehow cheating because how could any relationship be better than their superior one? , and this starts to make Katie think she and Nicky don’t really belong together and Maria starts to feel guilty for the stress on their relationship. Don’t worry, Maria, they haven’t asked the question when Nicky first cheated on Katie yet. That’ll really stress it.
Eric does his little commercial and it’s for Zit-Off cream, because a guy dancing and singing in a pimple cream tube costume make me want to run out and buy that particular product. Or it could just be bad writing and a chance to put someone in a stupid costume.
At The Max, Screech’s plan to get the motorcycle back is to have Mr. Belding dress in the same rebel biker get-up he wore last season and act bad ass to Screech’s friend, with Screech insisting his friend will back down. But his friend is ready to be the shit out of Mr. Belding until they realize the guy was once a student of Mr. Belding’s. The biker apologizes and gives Mr. Belding the motorcycle back, thus ending that subplot. I bet it’s also the last we ever hear of the motorcycle!
Back on the game show, Maria and Tony win and advance to the final round, leaving Nicky and Katie fighting over whether they’re actually soul mates. The final question is where they first kissed…
…and they give false answers that are likely discarded away-from-Bayside episode locations for this season. Maria jumps out and tells the world the game show is rigged as Kitty Katz runs for her litter box. It seems as if it’s impossible to cut off a camera when a character is monologuing about the moral of the week.
Liz answers the phone and it’s Del’s boss firing him mere seconds after Maria’s monologue, which is a sure way for a wrongful termination suit without bothering to investigate if the accusations are true or not, but this is the same universe where it’s possible to build a house in two weeks.
Maria and Tony apologize to Nicky and Katie for cheating and our episode ends with the couples hugging each other, going deeper and deeper into that self-obsession hole.
So what was the moral of this bloody episode? “If you’re on a game show being hosted out of your high school, don’t cheat if you’re offered the answers by a producer?” Or perhaps it’s, “Don’t fucking do anything with Screech because he’s an idiot.”
Most likely, the moral is, “Don’t watch six seasons of The New Class since it will rot your brain.
Firsts: Maria and Tony date.