Monthly Archives: September 2016

The New Class Season 6, Episode 12: “Bye-bye Tony”

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We open at the mall and at what’s apparently the newly remodeled  Teen Machine, even though absolutely nothing’s changed and the writers seem to have forgotten that was a plot point a few episodes ago. But no time for that! There are exciting things like photo booths happening at the mall and the gang want to go have their cheap ass photos taken before Screech gets the same idea and breaks the camera!

But Tony’s all, “TONY NO LIKE CAMERA! CAMERA STEAL TONY’S SOUL!” The gang go to leave without him, but Maria realizes Tony has no soul and stays behind to find out what her bad acting boyfriend is really upset about. And thus we get our real reason why this episode exists as Maria reminds Tony how much they fought when they weren’t communicating back in the first episode. Yes, it’s a fucking clip show episode about Tony, because, if there’s one member of this cast who deserved a clip episode, it’s the one who’s only been on the show twelve episodes and hasn’t contributed anything of value to the show except for one of the worst performances in the franchise’s history.

But, you may ask, how are they going to pull off a whole episode of Tony clips? Are they going to resort to showing his hamster fear subplot?

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Why, the answer is they’re not because this is one of the worst clip show episodes in the franchise’s history. See, Mr. Belding and Screech come around and, even in this, they have their stupid subplot. Seems Mr. Belding lost an ugly sweater his wife knitted him and he thinks he left it in the theater, so he asks Tony to come unlock the theater for him because the episode forgot it’s now Nicky who’s assistant manager and not Tony. This gives Screech time to ask Maria why she’s suddenly upset with Tony, and Screech tells Maria all about the time he and Mr. Belding were in couple’s counseling, which inspires Maria to nag Tony some more about why he’s really upset.

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Tony and Mr. Belding get back, and Maria is all, “Tony, just fucking tell me what’s going on and get the plot going!” Tony’s all, “FATHER OF TONY WANT TONY TO MOVE TO SAN DIEGO WITH FATHER OF TONY I AM ACTING!”

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But the rest of the gang sans Liz come back with their exciting stupid photos. Where’s Liz you ask? Apparently she’s still in the booth making faces at the camera because suddenly Liz is the most easily impressed person on the planet. I sure hope the real reason Liz keeps randomly disappearing this season isn’t that she got another job on a better show and so the writers had to keep coming up with lame excuses for her to go film.

But enough about Liz because, if the writers don’t give a shit about her, why should I? No, the real story is the rest of the gang’s reactions, and Tony reveals he doesn’t want to leave because it’s the only major role he’ll ever have on television. Of course, their stupid solution is for Tony to tell his father all about Maria because a forced relationship should be enough to convince anyone, and also we need a setup for another clip. Also, Katie randomly remembers about telling Jack to quit trying to sexually molest her, but Tony’s all, “FATHER OF TONY NO LIKE INCEST!” After all, why not just show lots of clips unrelated to Tony in an episode about Tony. He’s at least in the background of that one.

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But never mind that! Mr. Belding’s still looking for his sweater! But he and Screech find out what’s going on and they decide to tell Tony about firing Mr. Klopper because they want to hammer home how unjust the world is that Mr. Klopper no longer has a job and Screech does. Tony decides to tell his father how he feels.

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We finally meet one half of the couple who unfortunately produced Tony, and Tony chickens out on telling his father because we haven’t filled the running time yet, so instead they compare methods of drinking milk out of the carton as they go off to work. No joke.

After a commercial break, Tony comes back to the Teen Machine, reporting in his usual bad acting that he just couldn’t tell his father. Maria reminds Tony that hiding his feelings will only cause problems so the writers can have an excuse to show another clip.

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But there’s more important things going on, like Liz is done filming The Bold and the Beautiful for the day so she comes back to stand in the background for the rest of the episode. Seriously, why’d they even put her in if that’s all they were going to do. And Maria coaches Tony on how to talk to his father.

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In case you gave a shit about the bad sweater subplot, Mr. Belding and Screech find Tony’s father with the sweater, having found it on a bench or some shit, and I think it’s implied Tony’s father used the sweater as a cum rag or something. Tony sits down with his father and is all, “FATHER OF TONY, TONY NO WANT TO MOVE TO SAN DIEGO BECAUSE GIRL MARIA MIGHT GIVE HIM SOME POON TANG ROLL CLIP!” And we proceed to watch all about how Maria helped Tony quit cigar smoking. In case you were worried about the dangling plot thread that Tony’s dad smoked cigars, too, we get a throwaway line about how Tony helped his father quit smoking.

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Tony’s father is impressed how good of a group of friends he has that helped him quit smoking through guilt and shame and says he only wants what’s best for Tony, which I highly doubt since I have a feeling it wouldn’t look too good for a student to be in two high schools during their senior year, but let’s not think of random shit like making sense if the writers don’t give a shit!

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And our episode ends with our assembled characters thinking their lucky stars that they get to have fourteen more episodes with the only character who could possibly give the fake Swiss guy a run for his money in terms of bad acting.

Seriously, this might be the worst clip show of the bunch. There’s one more next season. Unless that one’s really bad, I’m going to call it for this one.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 11: “Loser”

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We’re back to one of the staples of this show, fundraising episodes! Yay, I missed them so much when they were only marginally used in season five. I hope we can see a stupidly themed dance to go along with it that makes me think no one involved has any common sense.

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We open in the hallway with Eric interviewing Liz and Katie for the radio station about how super dee nervous they must be to be competing in such a major competition and shit. And Eric must think he’s working for the television station because he keeps making visual references as if his audience can see what the fuck he’s talking about. This proves, once and for all, the writers of The New Class don’t understand how television works.

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Maria already got knocked out so no one gives a shit about her, but she’s planning the dance for Friday night to raise money for “all of them” to go cheer the swim team in Sacramento. What, is she raising money for the whole school since all the extras cheer, or is it just the gang who get this special treatment as usual? In any case, the boys are fucking sick of selling tickets because it’s not wild and crazy and exciting stuff, because that’s what I would think selling tickets would be. Frankly, if they thought selling tickets and serving on a committee was going to be exciting stuff, they’re even dumber than the writers of this episode.

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Remember Mr. Klopper, our old janitor from season five’s “Secrets and Liz” who’s actually the on-set teacher for the cast? Well, he’s back, and our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot is all about how he’s not doing his fucking job because he’s old and shit so Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of firing him. Oh, the irony of Screech firing anyone.

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At The Max, Liz tells Katie she can go practice and shit because she sucks, but Liz doesn’t need to practice because I guess when you’re awesome, you don’t need to practice.

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Meanwhile, Maria’s entire dance committee sucks and quit after they can’t even agree on the time of the dance because they wear too much make-up. Because women be wearing too much make-up, right guys? This leaves Maria with no choice but to allow the boys to plan the dance because they need something to do this episode.vlcsnap-2016-08-22-18h11m38s202

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech has a hard time firing Mr. Klopper because he’s old and friendly and shit. Instead, he gives Mr. Klopper an unauthorized raise. I’d suggest they take it out of Screech’s paycheck, but his wages are probably being garnished for every other bat shit crazy thing he’s ever done. I would say he’s just being emotionally manipulative to keep his job because he knows he just sucks ass, but that would conflict with what actually happens in a minute.

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At the swim meet, Katie wins her event, so Liz congratulates her.

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But then Liz loses the race, leaving her in disbelief that she’s now a loser! And here I thought the title was going to refer to our resident dumb ass.

Now let’s analyze this for a minute: last season Liz’s father was concerned that she wasn’t getting enough practice to be an Olympic hopeful, but backed off so she could have a life. In that time, she’s dated Ryan and an emotionally manipulative guy, traveled around the world, and held multiple jobs. In addition, she’s cocky enough that she didn’t practice. I’m going to make the leap that Liz being on this show has destroyed her swimming career. Mind you, this isn’t a leap the writers would make or else the episode would go very differently.

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At Bayside the next day, Liz is still in denial that she suddenly sucks ass. Maria and Katie have to pound into her that she really does suck ass and actually lost. Liz has trouble dealing with being a loser and nearly throws a hissy fit about not winning her third state champion ship.

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In case you wondered what the boys were up to, they’re busy fighting over the theme of the party. Eric wants to recycle the Hawaiian luau theme while Nicky wants to recycle the ’50s sock hop theme and Tony wants to recycle the western theme. I think those might be the only three themes these writers can think of because they’ve all been used in previous episodes.

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When Mr. Belding finds out Screech couldn’t bring himself to fire Mr. Klopper, he goes to do it himself but soon finds he can’t do it either because Mr. Klopper is old and nice and shit. Instead, he appoints him vice-president of maintenance shit because that doesn’t sound at all like a made-up title, even without my sarcasm.

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Liz continues having trouble dealing with being a loser, finding herself having trouble concentrating on her school work. She utterly loses it when a random girl walks in just to tell Katie how awesome she is for winning.

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That night, Liz has a dream where the writers have decided that, instead of going with the pink-framed dream sequences the franchise has used the last ten years, they’re going to fill Bayside’s hallway with a pink fog because it’s close to the end of the series and they just want to do random shit at this point. In the dream, Maria and Katie get Liz a sweatshirt with a big L on it for “loser.”

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And the boys reveal they came together to make the theme of the dance how much Liz suck, which would be a theme I could get behind if you switch Liz with Tony.

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Even Mr. Belding and Screech show up to tell Liz how much she sucks, and you know you’ve fallen far when Screech is telling you how much of a loser you are.

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And we fade away from the dream with everyone pointing at Liz and yelling, “Loser!” because The New Class has just utterly destroyed Liz’s life.

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At Bayside, Screech discovers that Mr. Belding couldn’t fire Mr. Klopper either and has been cleaning for him to cover for him. They decide to just fire him together since Screech’s idiocy and Mr. Belding’s apparent growing senility will be no match for Mr. Klopper’s ability to look as cute as a newborn kitten.

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The boys all try to decorate the gym for the dance theme they’ve chosen. Since this has barely been touched on, they all get mad that they’re all acting like idiots, including Tony, who picks up a coconut and throws it at Nicky’s jukebox, yelling, “TONY LIKE WEAR CHAPS! TONY SMASH OTHER IDEAS!”

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But they’re interrupted by Liz, who comes to tell the gang she’s decided to leave Bayside because she, too, has realized that The New Class is ruining her life. The others try to tell her she’s not a loser, but they do about as convincing a job as Screech when he’s pretending to be a responsible adult.

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So it’s Mr. Klopper’s birthday and his wife brings in a cake that she later says she’s going to cut. Interestingly enough, the actress, if you want to call her that, playing Mr. Klopper’s wife is the actor’s real life wife. I guess they felt like, at the end of the franchise, they owed her something for the trauma of having to listen to this guy’s stories of Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Dustin Diamond all these years.

Anyways, the cute old age stuff nearly prevents Mr. Belding and Screech from being able to fire Mr. Klopper again, but Screech just does what he does best and yells out random stuff, which happens to sound like, “Mr. Klopper is fired.” Mr. Klopper is all, “Thank god! One more episode on this show and I might have been considered a recurring character!” He gets the fuck out of there, never to be seen, happy that his life isn’t being ruined like Liz’s.

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Speaking of Liz, after the boys apologize for being idiots in their subplot, Maria and Katie reveal that Liz cleaned out her locker. Mr. Belding comes up and finds out what’s been going on while he’s been immersed in the cuteness of little old men.

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Mr. Belding finds Liz by the pool, who tells him she’s quitting swimming. Mr. Belding tells her all about how his dream was to be principal of Bayside, because that’s everyone’s dream, right, and how he didn’t get the job the first time he applied. This convinced Liz that The New Class isn’t screwing up her life and she should give it another try, at least for fifteen more episodes, and she says she’s sure she’ll be great next year! I don’t get it. Are they suddenly implying Liz is younger than the rest of them and not graduating next year even though she’s been taking the same classes as the rest of the gang? My brain hurts!

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Oh, joy! This makes the entire episode: that we got a stupid dance idea: a combination western, luau, and sock hop, because combining three things this franchise has already done several times before makes them new again and shit!

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Liz shows up and apologizes for acting like a cry baby that she believed this show was ruining her life. All is forgiven, the rest button is pressed, and our episode ends with Liz assuring them there will be lots of swim meets in season seven for her to redeem herself and shit.

Was that the most meta episode ever?

The New Class Season 6, Episode 10: “Free for All”

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We open with most of the gang bemoaning their gluttony and Nicky wanting to work out but Katie reminding him he let his membership expire. Maria points out she’s given free shit while Eric wants to give out free rats. Don’t worry: none of this has anything to do with the rest of the plot, but the writers just thought they would throw some preachy shit in for shits and giggles.

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No, the real start of the plot is that Tony’s looking for a job. Yeah. Not even an explanation on how this one’s actually going to work, but I’ll get to that more in a few minutes. Also, apparently Petzilla may or may not sell poisonous snakes because it’s a great idea to sell deadly animals to people as pets. Come on, writers, I know you were going for a cheap laugh, but, if it’s something a five year old could figure out is wrong, maybe you should make your jokes more realistic.

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In our subplot, Liz’s boss puts her in charge of…the mall walkers. Fucking hell, why do mall walkers need a babysitter? Are they from the Alzheimer’s unit of the nursing home or something? I don’t understand this subplot at all, and it won’t become any clearer the longer it goes on.

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In our bumbling idiots subplot, Screech is suddenly shy around women despite the fact that, if anything, he’s always been overconfident and in contradiction to the fact that he’s dated multiple women on this show, starting with his second fucking episode! But, no, we need something stupid for our adults to do, so Mr. Belding decides to set Screech up with yet another pretty girl who is way outside Screech’s league. This one is a customer at Gadgets and Gizmos named Kathleen who seems a bit creeped out by Mr. Belding but sticks around because the plot tells her to. But Screech is unable to ask her out, freezes up, and says the pretty girl made him wet his pants.

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Also, apparently the pretty girl is a shoplifter because Mr. Belding and Screech are standing at the cash registers at this point and she totally doesn’t pay for the shoes Screech was just helping her try on. So far, this episode is feeling even more phoned in than usual.

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At the movie theater, Nicky finds out he’s being promoted to weekend manager…again. The old weekend manager quit, which means Nicky gets to start the job immediately without even being an option of declining the promotion. As his first action, he hires Tony to replace him as an usher because Tony is all, “TONY USHER AS GOOD AS TONY ACTS!”

Now I need someone to explain to me how Tony will juggle his two jobs, school, position as quarterback on the football team, his relationship with Maria, and whatever other shit this show decides to get him involved in before the end of next season. Seriously, I need to know who the dumb asses are who seem to have no concept of the fact there are only twenty-four hours in one day. Maybe the sleep deprivation episode should have been about Tony.

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Meanwhile, the mall walkers think Liz sucks ass so, as soon as her back is turned to them, they run away from her as fast as possible. This means that she has to spend the rest of the episode finding them because I guess grown ass women can’t do shit for themselves. Good thing Maria isn’t doing anything else this episode so she goes to help Liz find where they’ve gone, because they obviously have to still be in the mall and couldn’t have left.

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Screech asks Kathleen to lunch and she says yes so he celebrates this as a win given that he never gets to date pretty women on this show.

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And Katie congratulates Nicky on his promotion while Eric takes advantage of the awkward moment to give Tony some lovin’, because I guess his type is bad actors. Nicky says this means he gets to let all hi friends into the movies for free and, given Katie is taking over the role of mothering nagger, she’s all, “Responsibility and shit,” but he’s all, “I know what I’m doing!”

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At the theater, Nicky and Tony are enjoying their new job so much they let a ton of people in for free. But their boss comes back and discovers there have only been three tickets sold all day, so, since Nicky’s a complete dumb ass and didn’t think that this may be an issue, he has to think of a plan to keep her from discovering everyone in the theater. How is he going to do this, you ask?

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Why, he’s going to make the popcorn machine explode so that, while she’s trying to fix it, he sneaks everyone out the fire exit. After seeing how their popcorn machine works, I’m not sure I want to get any concessions from this theater. Whatever happened to the good old days when one of Mr. Belding’s many failed businesses provided yogurt for the theater?

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Liz’s boss comes looking for the mall walkers and she’s all, “They’re in the bathroom.” He walks away, thus making this subplot, once again, meaningless.

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At Gadgets and Gizmos, Mr. Belding teaches Screech how to do a terrifying puppy dog face to make Kathleen want to give him some poon tang.

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Naturally, this leads Kathleen to the same question I had: whether Screech is about to throw up or not. After he basically high fives Mr. Belding and says he’s getting some tonight right in front of Kathleen, she says she’s sick of being the latest stupid pretty girl who thinks there’s something attractive about Screech and runs off.

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Nicky and Tony relate their close encounter with unemployment to Katie and she gets preachy again for a minute. He’s all, “Nothing could possibly go wrong at the sneak preview tonight because lots of people are going to be there,” so he tells Eric his plan to let him and some extras in for free is a go.

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But it turns out that half of Bayside’s extras want in, including this guy who Nicky doesn’t even know, but the guy tells Nicky that his dad, the director, let him in. No, seriously, this is Miguel Higuera’s son, Ethan. I guess it’s a good thing because his acting sure isn’t getting him a job anytime soon. Even worse than Tony’s.

So, yeah, the sneak preview is sold out, meaning some customers don’t have seats and come out to complain. They rush off to another theater without even demanding a refund, and Nicky tells his boss, “We just wanted to give our friends shit for free! What’s wrong with that?” She tells him he’s an idiot and is fired and to take his little blonde bad acting friend with him.

Yeah, Nicky has to be the stupidest person on the face of the planet at this point to sell every ticket in addition to letting a bunch of people in.

The mall walkers subplot is now in full ridiculous mode as Liz and Maria stayed the entire night in the mall looking for the women because I guess these women have ankle bracelets that won’t let them leave the fucking mall.

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They show up, saying they had a slumber party in some random department store’s bedding department, and I’m guessing this is official proof the writers have no clue how shopping malls, in addition to high schools, work. Liz says she’s sorry for treating three grown ass women like children and says she promises to plan fun activities for them and shit. Um, they’re fucking mall walkers. Here’s an idea: LET’S LET THEM WALK THE FUCKING MALL!

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Katie gets to gloat in her “I told you so,” moment as Nicky laments that he acted almost as big a moron as Screech this episode. Nicky says he has three minutes left in this episode and wants to make it up to the manager who just fired him for being a dumb ass, and gets an idea how to fill up the other theater, which is showing a bad film.

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Mr. Belding apologizes to Screech for giving him bad advice that Screech would inevitably interpret to make even worse, and Screech decides it’s time for Kathleen to meet the real him, which I’m sure is going to make her run far, far away. He passes by Nicky and Tony passing out fliers for the movie, which instantly makes everyone, including Screech, want to see it because we’ve only got two minutes left in this episode and we’ve got to resolve it fast.

At the theater, Screech apologizes to Kathleen for being a complete fuck up and she says she’s glad she’ll never appear on this show again, like most of Screech’s love interests.

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The manager is shocked Nicky and Tony were able to fill up the theater and he tells her how sorry he is that he’s an idiot and he’s learned the very valuable lesson he’s sure that all kids tune in for: that giving away shit for free on the job is wrong. The manager says that, since the writers don’t understand how theft of services work, she’s going to give Nicky his job back, and Nicky gives Tony his job back. And our episode ends the reset button pressed as it hurts my brain how much nobody working for this show understands how anything works! Seriously, have these writers never had any real world experience? Nicky’s lucky she didn’t call the police or press charges against him for loss of ticket sales! But this is the franchise that thinks doing caffeine pills is on par with cocaine so I don’t know why I expect any different.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 9: “Mind Games”

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We open at The Max, where Maria rushes in to declare she’s suddenly on the swim team just like Liz and Katie! This serves absolutely no purpose in the rest of the episode other than to give Maria a reason to be pissed about what follows, but, hey, let’s just put all the girls on one sports team just like we randomly put all the boys on one team!

Also, if Maria just came from tryouts, why wasn’t Liz, the team captain, there? I get that the writers of this show don’t understand how high school works, but they could at least pretend!

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For the first time this season, the episode revolves around Liz and how this guy named Travis asks her out because her vagina is feeling lonely since Ryan moved away. She’s insecure, though, because she’s only had one boyfriend even though we’ve clearly seen her with other guys this season, but to hell with continuity, right?

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In our subplot, the boys find a bracelet on the table that looks like it came straight from one of those gaudy dealers at a flea market. I guess Tony’s continuing his theme of not doing his job very well. Tony decides to hold onto the bracelet in case the owner calls.

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And, in our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot, Screech has fucked up and lost Mr. Belding’s speech to the school board because of course he did. What else do you expect when you put Screech in charge of something? He also forgot to tell Mr. Belding that the meeting was moved to two hours ago. Mr. Belding says he’s sick of Screech fucking up even though he passed up a perfectly good opportunity last week to fire him, and says he’s going to make Screech go to a seminar on efficiency instead, as if Screech can be taught anything to do with competence.

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Liz and Travis go to see a movie that’s apparently about a dog running away because it’s in a movie being featured on The New Class. While Maria and Katie listen in on the two like a couple of crazed stalkers, Travis whispers sweet nothings in Liz’s ear as he tells her how awesome her hair would be if it were like the woman in the movie we can’t see or hear. Also, we find out Liz is suddenly shy to give public displays of affection in public even though she did so with Ryan about a thousand times.

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Tony comes in the middle of the movie and starts talking real loud about the bracelet. “LADY CALL TONY! LADY SAY BRACELET BELONG TO HER! LADY SAY SHE GIVE TONY MONEY TO BRING BRACELET BACK!” Surprisingly, no one in the theater seems upset about Tony’s bad acting in the middle of the theater and Nicky says he’ll bring the bracelet by since the woman’s house is near his.

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Back at Bayside, Screech is wearing a suit and walking like John Cleese from Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks. Yes, an efficiency seminar is all about dressing in suits and deciding you don’t want to be called by nicknames in the workplace. Well, I’ve been questioning since day one why Screech isn’t Mr. Powers on this show, but the writers want him available to be the seventh member of the gang when convenient to the plot. And he starts his efficiency bullshit by saying Mr. Belding should send a fax instead of attending the basketball tryouts because that makes complete sense.

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Nicky tells Eric and Tony that he delivered the bracelet but declined the reward money because plot. Of course, I’m sure it was going to be like a nice shiny quarter since the bracelet didn’t look like it was worth shit, but let’s pretend they could have actually got some money out of it. But Nicky has a new leather jacket, which immediately leads to speculation that Nicky stole the reward money.

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Liz reveals her new fashion sense is based on Fran Drescher because Travis loves it and shit. Travis does, indeed, love her hair and convinces her to blow off a swim team meeting at lunch to go to the beach with him. The audience sounds like they don’t know how to respond to these events, uttering noises that make me think they want to lose their shit but aren’t sure if it’s appropriate to the intention of the scene.

After a commercial break, we get a nice recap in case we fell asleep over the last ten minutes. Tony finds out Katie bought the jacket for Nicky for his birthday, but Eric says Nicky’s birthday was three months ago so they decide he’s a big phony, a big, fat, phony. Meanwhile, Maria and Katie are pissed at Liz for skipping the swim team meeting, Travis convinces Liz they’re just jealous that she gets to have the hanky panky with him and then manipulates her into kissing him in public.

One thing to note is that every scene between Liz and Travis in this second half is creepy as fuck. He’s beginning to sound like the villain from a slasher film. Even the audience seems to be completely in the dark about how to react as there’s a very distinct lack of emotions coming from them as they watch this, like they can’t figure out whether to like Travis because he’s doing almost identical stuff to what Zack Morris once did or hate him. It’s very awkward.  But we liked Zack Morris because he was Zack Morris so I guess we’re supposed to hate Travis because he’ll never be on the show again.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech won’t let Mr. Belding eat his lunch because it’s not efficient. If I were Mr. Belding, I’d kick Screech in the fucking balls and be done with it, but Mr. Belding just sighs and accepts his fate in life like a good peon who’s not got much time left on this franchise.

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Travis delivers a fake note to Liz to give him a chance to manipulate her more into doing shit he wants to do instead of what she wants to do. An important note: this teacher is Miss Bickle, who is played by an actress that has already portrayed two other teachers, two mall patrons, the voice of a robot, and a voice at mission control, all since season two, and will still play another mall patron before the show is over. This actress gets around. Peter Engel must have had the hots for her. She’ll actually play Miss Bickle in a few episodes over the next two seasons so this is technically her first regular role on the series.

Also, why is Miss Bickle talking about the Jurassic Period if shit about Albert Einstein and relativity is written on the wall behind them? Come on, writers, you need to communicate better with your prop people!

Travis asks Liz to go out again tonight but she says she needs to get some extra sleep so she’s ready for the relay. He’s all, “Do what I want! Do it! Do it! Do it!” and she’s all, “I guess I don’t need to be in the relay since I’m supposed to be manipulated by you even though I’m usually a stronger character than this on the show. I’m so confused by my inconsistent characterization!”

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And Screech has a new plan to eliminate horseplay in the hallway: give the students like ten seconds between classes to get to class, because that wouldn’t actually do the reverse of his plan and throw off efficiency by making students not have time to get shit from lockers or use the restroom or shit…

Mr. Belding realizes what I did five seasons ago: when you put Screech in charge of anything, it’s sure to go wrong because it’s Screech. Now fire him and get it the fuck over with.

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In the gym, Eric and Tony act like fucking idiots around Nicky and, as he’s walking away due to the sheer stupidity of their stuff, he overhears them give some exposition about how they believe he stole their reward money, and walks away pissed that he’s the butt of yet another stupid subplot.

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Liz reveals to Maria and Katie that she’s dropping out of the relay and they say that if Travis cared about her, he would let her do the things they think he should do and not the things he wants her to do. Liz walks away, convinced that Travis was right about their desire for his penis.

After a break, Liz overhears Katie and Maria very loudly thank a random girl for filling in for Liz.  They talk about how they can’t believe Liz is doing shit, leaving Liz looking like she’s constipated and running for the restroom.

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Nicky puts a revenge plan in motion, pretending like he bought a new boombox and that he’s going to treat them to lunch at The Max.

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And Mr. Belding concludes the other subplot by telling Screech that, now that Bayside is so efficient, he’s going to fire Screech and shit. YES! DO IT! Screech freaks out and tells Mr. Belding that he can’t fire someone who’s so lovable.

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Unfortunately, this is Screech’s lovable face, which I’m sure I will soon have nightmares about. Screech learns his lesson that there’s a balance between efficiency and bat shit crazy and we conclude that subplot, unfortunately with Screech continuing on the show.

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Eric and Tony join Nicky at The Max to find out he’s bought lots more shit, and they freak out on him about it. Nicky reveals he went to the trouble of borrowing all of that stuff to get back at them for being stupid enough to believe the bracelet would be worth that much money. Turns out Katie’s poor and shit so it took her three months to save up for the jacket, and this subplot ends with vows to communicate with each other, which I’m sure all three will follow to the end of the series.

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Travis tells Liz he bought tickets for Pearl Jam on Saturday and tries to convince her to skip a swim meet. He tries to tell her she never does what he wants and finally goes off on him, telling him that he’s a disposable one-shot character and needs to get the fuck off this show while her swim career will continue for the rest of the series when it’s convenient to the plot.vlcsnap-2016-08-08-19h41m38s92

Maria and Katie come in and Liz takes advantage of the last thirty seconds to hit the reset button, apologizing for all the out of character shit she did this episode, and our episode ends with Liz begging the girls to help her get her hair out of that stupid style.

Firsts: Miss Bickle.