Monthly Archives: October 2016

The New Class Season 7, Episode 4: “The Captain and Maria”

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Just when you were hoping this could be the season without any away from Bayside episodes other than the obligatory mall episodes, this piece of crap comes along. Yes, welcome to the police academy arc, because if there’s ever something I wanted to see, it’s these fucking morons learning how to be cops, as if cops need any more bad publicity today. Also, I’m pretty sure firefighters receive very different training from cops and would not share an academy, but what do I know; I’m just a bitter internet reviewer who’s been watching way too much of The New Class.

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We open with the girls arriving and talking about how excited they are to finally be here, even though they’ve never talked about having any interest in this shit until they found out it was yet another way to get school credit without going to school. I’m beginning to think our six idiots are going to graduate without even knowing how to tie their own shoes, and Maria will have it worse since she’s been doing this stupid shit since season three. Of course, Liz is only there because she hasn’t been touched by anyone except an emotionally abusive guy since Ryan’s been gone so she wants to see some hot, shirtless, police guys.

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She won’t be seeing that in the male idiots, who have the unreasonable demand they shouldn’t have to carry the girls’ suitcases just because they’re too lazy to do it themselves. Slackers! Don’t you know you’ve got to work it if you want a very special episode on losing your cursed virginity!

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Mr. Belding and Screech are soon brought in by Cadet Fred, a recurring character in this arc who actually makes Screech look intelligent by comparison, disturbing me that this guy wants to carry a gun in the Saved by the Bell universe. He thinks two random men loitering around teenagers is suspicious, but Mr. Belding soon clears it up by saying they’re school administrators during the rare time they’re actually at school.

Randomly, we find out Maria’s father is the police captain at the academy, a fact that’s never been mentioned before, and, suddenly, he’s also a neglectful father as Maria never gets to see him and is looking forward to spending time with him in lieu of doing actual school work. Seriously, I don’t get how learning to be police officers can earn you school credit.

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Sergeant Meinhart, who’s in charge of the cadets, comes in to meet the group, and quickly puts Eric in line, telling him to stop being a useless character who only gets to do shit they don’t want to give to the other characters. Sergeant Meinhart tells them they get to attend a banquet honoring Captain Lopez this week, which you would have thought Maria would have mentioned. Turns out he’s being honored for making this the best police academy in the country by Who’s Who in American Police Academies. It may not exist but it’s better than the zero explanation the show gives on the award.

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Sergeant Meinhart mentions that the entertainment for the banquet fell through, and this gives Screech an idea since there’s really no other reason for him and Mr. Belding to be there other than to do stupid shit that makes no sense. In this case, Screech is going to do magic for Captain Lopez because the writers want me to cry softly into my pillow at night as I realize there’s still nine more episodes of this stupid show left.

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And meet Captain Lopez, who reminds Maria that hugs are for criminals and shit. Maria asks her father out for lunch, which he accepts, and Maria can’t stop gushing about her father as Eric makes jokes that make Carrot Top look funny by comparison.

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In the mess hall, a pretty blonde police woman asks Sergeant Meinhart for volunteers to help out in the mess hall for Captain Lopez’s banquet, and the boys’ penises immediately go off at the prospect of being in the immediate proximity of a pretty woman who knows how to use handcuffs. Because they’re breathing, they’re good enough for her!

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And Captain Lopez suddenly doesn’t have time to eat with Maria because he’s too busy with work because it’s completely reasonable to be disappointed your father has to work at work rather than spend time with you.

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As if to top off the head shaking stupidity of this episode, Screech manages to switch a pair of trick handcuffs for real ones, locking Mr. Belding and himself together. Rather than admit he’s hired a complete moron as an administrative assistant, Mr. Belding decides to pretend everything is okay for most of the rest of the episode.

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In the kitchen, the boys’ penises are excited to be working with a pretty woman, with Tony even bringing her a flower, suggesting this arc may be taking place before he and Maria dated.

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But, oh, hilarity of hilarity, they’re actually being supervised by Officer Barry, who’s breaking the laugh-o-meter because she’s masculine and tough! Oh, Peter Engel, it’s nice to see you falling back on old stereotypes and cliches for your jokes once again! Also, it appears Officer Barry is able to psychically communicate what the three will be doing in the kitchen as she tells them to get to work and they automatically know what to do!

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In self-defense class, Maria instantly knows how to do Judo flips because that’s something worth getting high school credit for! vlcsnap-2016-09-20-17h27m32s758

Eric’s not so good at it, though. Also, I include this pic because I can’t believe the producers didn’t even try to cover up the fact Anthony Harrell got a tattoo. It’s quite obvious, too! I’m quite shocked they didn’t make that a very special episode.

Katie turns out to be really good at Judo because she’s used to flipping Nicky around and shit, and gets enthusiastic praise from Captain Lopez, while Maria just gets a “nice job!” Maria tries to get her father to stick around until she can get a gold star, but Captain Lopez has to go do some work at work! How horrible a person!

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Maria tries to get a training dummy to touch her in a way Tony never could and is interrupted by Liz, who suggests she ask Captain Lopez to help her with some self-defense moves.

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Mr. Belding and Screech try to find a key that will open their handcuffs and are interrupted by Cadet Fred, who’s still harassing them for no reason. This is what we call police harassment. When Screech knocked the keys over, they just take a random handful of keys, hoping that contrivance will lead one to be in the batch that will open the handcuffs and god this may be their stupidest subplot yet, even worse than Screech bringing a tiger into Bayside.

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In the kitchen, the boys make some really bad food in hopes Officer Barry will reassign them, but she says this subplot isn’t through with them yet and she’s just going to have to kick their asses until they learn to cook.

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In the mess hall, Captain Lopez is happy Maria wants help with self-defense and assigns Katie to help her because he has an actual job to do. She’s all, “This is stupid because I came here just to spend time with my father!”

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Maria decides to get revenge by throwing a party in their rooms. You might ask why it’s egregious for the extras to have a party off hours but I’m more worried about why the producers think  police cadets spend the night in the academy. Their idea of police training came straight out of the Police Academy movies, didn’t it? Katie and Liz tell Maria she has to cut out this shit…

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…but Captain Lopez, who apparently also lives at the police academy, comes in before the shit can be cut out. Maria admits it was all her, getting Katie and Liz out of trouble, and, after they leave, Maria tells her father he’s a doo doo head who’s a meanie head because he won’t spend time with her at hi work.

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Meanwhile, Officer Barry loves the boys even after they rig revenge on her because they finally made really good food and shit because that’s the only way this stupid subplot could have ended. I think she even tries to feel up Eric’s nipple. Well, that was a complete waste of time.

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Speaking of wastes of time, Screech is an idiot with magic…

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…and causes the killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail to bite Mr. Belding’s nose, ending yet another humiliating subplot for Dennis Haskins.

Meanwhile, Maria’s mad her father won’t talk to her about the party incident right when he’s about to be called up to a banquet in his honor to give a speech.

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Seeing Maria sulking, Captain Lopez abandons his own banquet so his selfish ass daughter can pretend there’s been some sort of moral in this whole stupid episode. He apologizes to Maria for being a neglectful father, and our episode ends with the two embracing for the future of this arc. What the writers don’t seem to realize is they never addressed the real problem that Captain Lopez is sleeping at the academy and neglecting his home while Maria apparently is such an idiot she doesn’t realize a person’s work is not the best place to spend quality time with them. Of course, given that Mrs. Lopez and Tino nowhere to be seen at the banquet, it could be that Maria’s home is much more dysfunctional than originally thought as it seems no one gives a shit about this award but the Bayside gang!.

Firsts: Bayside Police and Fire Academy, Captain Lopez, Sergeant Meinhart, Officer Barry, Cadet Fred.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 3: “ME TV”

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Our episode opens with Eric pacing the floor at The Max and holding an envelope. What could he be so nervous about opening you ask? College acceptance papers? SAT scores? Something else? No, it’s from a record label who actually took the time to listen to his demo tape and is writing to say he sucks ass. In what’s becoming a running theme the last two seasons, a character starts saying insensitive shit that makes the character feel worse, in this case, Liz reminding him that Michael Jackson was a superstar by the time he was Eric’s age. I’m not sure if the writers think that a character being a jerk to another character is funny, but it just comes off as uncomfortable.

Maria comes in to give some exposition about a contest to make a video about Bayside. Turns out the winner wins $1,000, and everyone wants to participate except Eric and Liz because they’ve been partnered for a science paper and presentation that counts for half their semester. Cue a little violin here.

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Meanwhile, Screech plays chess with Jason Voorhees. No, seriously, that’s the guy who played Jason Voorhees in the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th. Please let him be here to kill Screech! I’ll give my very soul for Screech to die before this season is up. But, no, providing fuel once again for agnostics and atheists everywhere, they’re just in a really tense game, during which Screech knocks over a milkshake and refuses to clean it up because I guess Jason Voorhees cheats at chess. In the process, Mr. Belding comes in and slips on the spilled milkshake because, if there’s one constant on The New Class, it’s Screech finding new ways to injure Mr. Belding.

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In the hallway, Maria, Tony, Nicky, and Katie start making their video, which includes a boring interview with Miss Bickle about her suck ass cockroach carnival, don’t ‘cha know! After she’s done drowning on, Nicky thinks their video sucks so far, and Eric comes around to agree with them that they’re never winning that $1,000.  Eric tells them the video needs to actually be exciting and not put the audience to sleep, which makes a light bulb go off over Tony’s head. “TONY THINK VIDEO SHOULD HAVE MUSIC LIKE DA NA NA NA!” he says. The others try to convince Eric to do it since he knows the most about music, unlike Maria, who only knows how to play guitar, sing, and write songs. Eric doesn’t want to at first…

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…but his own delusions of becoming rich and famous and having Tyra Banks fuck him win over, and he decides he’ll work something out with Liz so he can use this video to convince all the music producers they were wrong about him and shit.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding’s ankle is sprained from the fall, which means he has to be in a wheelchair for a week, which I find unrealistic because, if the sprain was so bad he needs to be in a wheelchair, he would be in it a lot longer than a week. Screech insists on helping Mr. Belding some more which, as usual, involves slamming Mr. Belding’s injured leg into shit because I’m not so sure Screech isn’t trying to kill Mr. Belding.

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At The Max, Eric gives Liz a sob story about how he really wants to make an awesome video about Bayside, and she’s so effected by his obvious treachery that she agrees to take on some more of the responsibility for the project.

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Which is a good thing, because their backup was to have Tony play the accordion, because bad acting characters playing unpopular instruments is hilarious with the kids apparently.

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Eric tells the others that he’s now available for the song, and they rejoice they never have to listen to Tony sing again. He plays a tape of him singing and they all agree to go along with it even though it obviously has nothing to do with Bayside and is a love song to a girl but who the hell cares about making sense at a time like this! He also convinces them to film at the pier instead of Bayside because…I don’t know. I think the other characters gave up trying to figure this episode out, too.

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During the commercial break, Liz was apparently able to do quite a bit of research for the project, even though it’s obviously the same day since they’re all still wearing the same clothes, which makes her whining later in the episode seem quite superficial since this is obviously the easiest project ever. She asks Eric what he’s accomplished for the project, and he tells her it’s been barely a minute and she should just back off and let him get on with his plot while she goes and films for The Bold and the Beautiful.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech continues causing pain to Mr. Belding because he’s a fucking idiot. He also leaves Mr. Belding in the middle of the hallway during a fire drill because fuck Mr. Belding if the school is on fire. Seriously, I think Screech is trying to kill Mr. Belding. He’s only saved by a random extra in a wheelchair who agrees to show Mr. Beldings some moves.

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At the pier, which is obviously just a redress of the Eiffel Tower set, again, Eric’s brought in some dancers from Valley to dance behind him…

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…but he’s disturbed that Tony saw a squirrel or something and just started filming random shit instead of Eric, and he tells them they need to do the video over and tell the idiot camera operator to have a focal point. You know, I’m supposed to think Eric is a jerk here, but I get his point. Why would you just start filming random shit while someone’s singing?

Also, this may be the worst song Eric’s sang since the gangsta rap episode.  Ninety percent of the lyrics are him singing, “I turned around and you were gone!” I’m not even sure there are verses to this song. Just him singing the same thing over and over again. The songs that are played in the Engle-verse.

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Back at Bayside, Screech continues trying to injure Mr. Belding. Not content to merely cause him pain, though, Screech invents a remote controlled wheelchair for Mr. Belding…

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…which proceeds to set Mr. Belding on fire. I continue to maintain that Screech is trying to kill Mr. Belding.

In other news, Maria, Tony, Katie and Nicky watch the video that Eric edited for them and pretty much figure out Eric was just making a music video for himself. I guess there were still going to be interviews and shit. The worst part is this is a non-issue. Eric could have easily edited together a version for the four to enter the contest first and then edited a second version for his music video, but we need conflict and Eric has to look like a jerk so we have this version. And, yes, Eric was a jerk, but the other four were incompetent and never going to win the $1,000 because, despite Maria once hosting a school television show, none of them have any clue about what makes a compelling video.

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At The Max, Eric meets with a record producer who tells him his video sucks ass and he should be in touch with him again if he ever finds his talent. Dejected, Eric realizes this plot has had no purpose.

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But Liz is pissed at Eric now, too, because he hasn’t done shit for their presentation, and she’s reduced to a hand puppet instead of a scale model of a dinosaur. What the hell was this presentation about? I’m pretty sure they would have had in class time for this. She also finds out he lied to her and promises to help her with the project starting now but doesn’t know how to hit the reset button with the rest of the gang.

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Mr. Belding continues struggling with shit from a wheelchair, and we finally get our big takeaway: Mr. Belding learns shit around Bayside is still hard for people in wheelchairs, and Mr. Belding swears to the random extra who seems to serve no other purpose than to be a plot device that he’s going to make some changes to make Bayside more accessible. Because that’s our big takeaway from this episode: being disabled is hard. Never mind nothing was shown indicating that until eighteen minutes into the episode. Never mind the only thing Mr. Belding had trouble with, besides Screech trying to kill him, was getting a drink from a water fountain. Mr. Belding now understands how hard people with disabilities have it because he’s been in a wheelchair for a few days.

The New Class, you can fuck off.

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Let’s just resolve all this shit. Eric and Liz call the rest of the gang together.

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And Eric’s big plan to get the others to forget any of this episode ever happened is to show edited footage of him being a jerk to the others, although I’m not sure why this footage exists except to continue pointing out the incompetence of the gang for wasting film running the camera randomly in a pre-digital era. But it’s enough for the others to forgive Eric and tell him that all is back to normal. And the episode ends with me questioning how much worse this season is going to get before this god damned series is finally over.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 2: “Prescription for Trouble”

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We open in the hallway where Tony’s all, “TONY WRITE POEM FOR MARIA’S BIRTHDAY BECAUSE TONY DEEP INTELLECTUAL IS!” And it turns out Tony’s deep contribution to the canon of poetry is a tome comparing Maria’s eyes to a football that makes Brian’s love poem to Rachel back in season two seem like the sonnets of Shakespeare by comparison.  Eric’s all, “Your poems suck almost as much as you do. Let’s rip off a Saved by the Bell plot and get a shady adult who likes hanging out with kids to sell you some real cheap jewelry for her instead!”

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Meanwhile, the swim coach is concerned that Katie’s time was off today. She denies anything is wrong, but turns out her shoulder was hurt during practice. Liz, Maria, and Nicky pressure her into seeing a sports medicine doctor and she’s all, “Anything to get you off my case and move the plot along.” Also, why are they still having swim meets if the championships were last season? Is this another out of order episode?

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In the world of our incompetent adults, Screech notices Mr. Belding’s in a foul mood while carrying a ton of shit around.  In his office, Mr. Belding snaps at someone on the phone, and I’m willing to bet he’s stressed out from straightening out all the shit that Screech messed up last week as acting principal. Screech is going to make Mr. Belding have a heart attack one day!

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Screech’s solution is to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s stress to feel him up under the guise of giving him a massage. This is the only possible reason I can see for this as Screech claims he’s been taking classes via correspondence course on massage, but I find it hard to believe a person could learn much about massage from a correspondence course. How do they grade you? Based on what you tell them you’re doing? Mr. Belding makes the mistake of complementing Screech on his sexual advances, and this suddenly gives Screech a big head and makes him think of ideas for the subplot this week.

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At The Max, we meet Big Al, The New Class‘s answer to Gem Diamond, and I’m pretty shocked and not shocked at the same time that the writers of this show missed that South Park created a character around this same time named Big Gay Al. Maybe this is Big Gay Al if he was a Miami Vice snitch. There’s a quick line about how Big Al used to weigh three hundred pounds and how he lost it through the miracles of diet soda, and I’m wondering if there’s a joke in there I’m supposed to be laughing at. Seriously, anymore this is most of what The New Class is: someone says something random and the audience finds it hilarious. The only thing missing is comedy.

In any case, Big Al sells Tony a fake diamond look-a-like for $30, but Tony’s all, “TONY HONEST LIKE ABE AND TELL MARIA DIAMOND BE FAKE!” Big Al’s like, “What the fuck ever.” But he doesn’t go away. Instead, we can clearly see him having lunch with Tony and Eric in the background as we pan to the next table.

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Katie’s back from the doctor and tells Liz and Nicky that she has tendinitis. The doctor prescribed pain killers for her and told her not to swim for a few days, but Katie’s freaked out about wanting to win the swim meet against Valley, I assume because Liz just had a freak out episode about winning last season and can’t freak out again so soon.

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Back at Bayside, Screech advertises his new massage business out of Mr. Belding’s office, and Eric asks him if Mr. Belding’s really okay with this shit. Screech is all, “Mr. Belding doesn’t not know!” and moves on so Eric can move on with his subplot as Screech feels up Eric under the guise of giving him a massage.

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Tony gives Maria her necklace, and she’s amazed he bought this for her, assuming he’s working triple shifts at The Max to afford it, even though this would mean he would have to skip school and wouldn’t have time for his second job at the movie theater. Oh, Maria. Use some common god damned sense. Tony’s about to tell her the truth about the necklace, but she just keeps gushing and gushing to the point Tony let’s her walk away after the audience gets a chance to lose their shit over a kiss.

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And Katie tells Liz and Nicky the pain killers are making her shoulder feel better so she’s going to swim and shit. Liz and Nicky think this is a very bad idea, but Katie’s determined to push the plot forward so we’re going to get what we’re going to get.

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And, it turns out, after swim practice, Katie did better than Liz or Maria today and is gushing with pride, or high as fuck. Whichever is the case I’m not sure, but Liz and Maria are still concerned about Katie and shit.

And Maria shows off her necklace to Liz as Tony goes to tell her about the necklace. She can’t stop gushing, and he’s soon convinced by Eric not to tell her it’s fake as fuck.

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Mr. Belding finds out Screech is operating out of his office and is pissed as fuck that Screech is doing this instead of his fucking job, and even questions why Screech is such an idiot so often, which I agree with him on. I mean, I’ve been saying that since season two, but you’re the idiot who keeps putting him in charge of shit. Screech gives Mr. Belding another massage and that’s all it takes to convince him to drop all protestations against a massage business in his office. Oh, Mr. Belding. If you want Screech to touch you, I’m sure he would with or without a teenager touching business.

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In the hallway, Katie’s upset that she can’t get a refill on her prescription without seeing the doctor because he’ll find out she hasn’t been resting her shoulder. Geez, you took all your painkillers that fast? You are an addict, Katie! Nicky’s all, “If you really feel better, what the fuck is wrong?” And Katie’s like, “Nothing. Just moving the plot along.” As soon as Nicky’s gone, Katie goes to Liz, who had the same prescription not long ago, and convinces Liz to give Katie her stock of painkillers.

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Maria freaks out because she’s lost Tony’s fake diamond so, knowing Eric is friends with the person Tony bought it from, she asks him to help her buy a replacement lest she continue to freak out and shit.

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So Eric gets Big Al to sell a fake diamond to Maria but charge her $100 so she won’t know it’s fake. As soon as Eric is gone, though, he charges her $200 instead.

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And Katie’s freaking out on Nicky and random waiters as Liz brings her the painkillers, and Nicky tells her he’ll have nothing to do if she suddenly has a freak out because she’s become an addict.

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And Mr. Belding discovers Screech has taken too many liberties as usual and has turned his office into a full spa and shit. I wonder where he got the money to get all that shit. Screech tries to spread some mud on Mr. Belding’s face, but he won’t be fooled this time and tells Screech to get the fuck out.

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At the swim meet, Maria’s lost another necklace, which really makes me think she shouldn’t have any jewelry. Tony’s all, “TONY BUY CHEAP FAKE NECKLACE FOR MARIA!” Eric admits Big Al ripped her off and says he’ll get her the money back, and Maria pushes both Tony and Eric into the pool as revenge for stressing her out over the necklace, because, somehow, Eric being a party to Maria getting ripped off is Tony’s fault. Believe me, I don’t want to defend Tony, but they just wanted an excuse to get Tom Wade Huntington wet, didn’t they?

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Screech reveals he’s given up massage and is now taking a correspondence course for acupuncture as he proceeds to stab Mr. Belding in the back quite literally. Why someone would trust Screech with sharp objects is beyond me.

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During the relay, Katie’s arm goes out. Yes, no drug freak out for The New Class like “Jessie’s Song” that might make this episode so bad it’s good. We just have Katie briefly drowning before Nicky jumps in fully clothed to rescue her since none of the people standing around in swimsuits could be bothered.

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Katie admits to the coach and everyone else what she did and even throws Liz under the bus for good measure because Katie just sucks as a human being this episode. She apologizes for using drugs in lieu of getting better and pushes the reset button so all is forgiven. With that out of the way, Nicky makes a tasteless joke about getting to be in the girls’ locker room, because what I think of after a near drowning is getting to see boobies. As Nicky walks out of the locker room, our episode ends with all the girls giving each other knowing glances about Nicky wanting to see their lady parts as I cringe and wish this series was over already.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 1: “Show Me the Money”

I never thought this day would come. The first episode of the final season of The New Class. I’ve been reviewing this fucking show for nearly three years. Three years of my life on this garbage, and it will be over in thirteen episodes! It’s like that feeling when you’ve been constipated for days, but your suffering is finally relieved by a less than satisfying bowel movement. I can almost taste the end of this bloody awful mess!

So, as long as they confine this season to the second semester of the gang’s senior year, I’m okay with the artificial division between seasons six and seven. Let’s see how well they do!

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We open to meet the boy’s business teacher, Mr. Schecter. Obvious Mr. Tuttle rip-off is obvious. Turns out the boys have a business class assignment to pick a stock and follow it as if they’d invested in it. They’re to team up, and the winning team gets to skip Mr. Schechter’s first test, which is incentive enough for our idiots. Oh, yay. We’re ripping off a Good Morning, Miss Bliss plot, and it’s one of the bad episodes. Boy, this season is off to a good start! Nicky, Eric, and Tony all decide to team up since they’re the only ones in Mr. Schecter’s class who get credited for their appearance.

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The writers decide to deliver the other half of the main plot in the most awkward way possible by first having the girls talk about raising money for the class trip fundraiser and then having Mr. Belding and Screech come up to tell them he’s already made a decision that they can have a car wash for their class trip. So many questions. Like why does Liz get to go on the class trip when season six implied she was a year younger than the rest of them? Or why are we doing yet another fundraiser episode? Or why do I keep expecting The New Class to have things like consistency or compelling plots?

But the biggest problem: why are we just now fundraising for a class trip at the beginning of the spring semester? I have a feeling I’ll have my answer in a couple minutes.

The boys aren’t initially interested in participating in the car wash, but Mr. Belding tells them they’re not repeating that plot from season five so they better work or no class trip! Also, Mr. Belding keeps randomly sneezing. Believe it or not, this matters to the episode.

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At The Max, the boys try to decide what stock to invest in. Tony’s all, “TONY EAT HEALTH BAR! TONY LIKE HEALTH BAR! TONY GIVE ERIC IDEA TO INVEST IN HEALTH BAR COMPANY!” And they do, because, despite Nicky’s initial feeble protestations, they’re not about to do anything that’s not going to let them finish this plot in twenty minutes.

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The girls, meanwhile, try to decide where to go on the class trip, with San Diego and Palm Springs being finalists, the latter in the hopes they can rip off yet another original series episode before this show ends. Naturally, the boys think with their penises about the possibility of seeing the girls in bikinis, blah, blah, blah, heard this a thousand times before.

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At the car wash, the boys don’t have much fun, mainly because they’re all washing cars in their school clothes and probably soaking wet.

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Screech comes out and acts like a dumb ass, spraying Mr. Belding with a bunch of water when he attempts to wash Mr. Belding’s car. But what else is new? Screech has been with this franchise for twelve years and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber.

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After a day, the boys are ahead in the class project. How surprising. Could this episode be any more cliche?

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding now instantly has a fever from the car wash shower, so he does perhaps the stupidest thing he’s ever done on this show: he goes home sick and puts Screech in charge of the school. Once again, this is not how this fucking works! A vice-principal or principal designate would be placed in charge, someone who actually has a teaching and administration degree, not a fucking dumb ass who, by all appearances, never even graduated college but dropped out to be an administrative assistant! But why would it surprise me that the writers have no idea how school administration works on a show about school!

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Suddenly, Screech realizes he’s been left in a job he’s totally unqualified for, and he does his best impression of Beaker from The Muppet Show.

In the fundraising subplot, the car wash only raised them $400, which I’m surprised the writers aren’t trying to pass off as enough to send them to fucking Bermuda or something. But they actually have a sense of money this time and know that’s not enough for a class trip, so the girls are depressed that this is the first time a fundraising effort has not been successful. As such, they can only afford a day trip to Magic Mountain, and the girls give Nicky the money to buy the tickets because he’s suddenly class treasurer even though it hasn’t been mentioned before.

Also, it appears as if Tony and Maria aren’t dating anymore as she gives him the stink eye when he tries to hug someone. Yes, this episode, chronologically, belongs in season six before Tony and Maria were dating. Congratulations, show. I gave you one more chance to prove yourself and you blew it the very first episode of the season.

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Yes, you can predict the rest. Eric and Tony get the idea to invest the $400 into the health bar company, and they convince Nicky to do it by insinuating he might get some poon tang from Katie.

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At The Max, Tony finally gets his hug as the boys discover their money’s doubled thanks to the stock. Now’s the point when the writers have no clue how much money trips take as the boys think $800 is enough to send their entire class to Palm Springs. Oh, The New Class, you’re so cute when you try to sound like you know what you’re talking about! Wait, no you’re not! You’re awful and I want the show to end!

They decide to keep the investment a secret from the girls and Nicky wants to sell the stock, but they discover it’s doubled again and Eric and Tony want to leave it in so they can take a trip to Acapulco. Nicky’s trying to be the voice of reason…

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…but he’s convinced via a dream sequence that Acapulco is sure to get him some hot Katie action…

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…so he’s suddenly all about making this plot move along.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech can’t even manage to sit in Mr. Belding’s chair correctly and falls onto the desk. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get a concussion.

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Screech gets his first “challenge” as principal when he has to decide what to do about this student who’s broken his leg and wants permission not to participate in gym class. Screech, being a complete moron, thinks this is a difficult problem and can’t figure out what to do…

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…so he calls Mr. Belding at home, who tells him to fuck off and quit calling him, so Screech just tells the poor extra to play soccer in gym with his good foot. Way to go. Predictably, Screech has already placed Bayside in possible liability should something happen in class.

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The boys are Screech’s next visitors, who want permission for the Acapulco trip. Now what’s Screech’s response you ask?

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Why he brings them and the entire marching band into Mr. Belding’s bedroom to dance around and generally annoy the shit out of him. Why, at this point, Mr. Belding doesn’t call up the superintendant and ask him to get someone competent in there I don’t know, but Mr. Belding just tells Screech to fuck off and make decisions on his own, as if Screech is a child who can’t decide which pair of underwear to put on. Come to think of it, that probably is a daily dilemma for Screech.

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Back at Bayside, the boys finally tell the girls about Acapulco, and they’re all pissed off the boys risked their money even though each of them have done stupider shit during their time on this show. They tell the boys they better be glad there’s not still seven minutes left in this episode for a third act and rush off.

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Mr. Schecter comes out and exposits to the boys about how the FTC recalled the health bars because they have no health benefits. Add FTC procedures and regulations to the list of things the writers have no idea about. In any case, the stock’s worthless in the Saved by the Bell universe and the boys have lost all their money, in case you didn’t see that one coming.

At The Max, the boys try to think of what to do about the money and decide they could still go to Magic Mountain since the girls were pissed about the idea in the first place.

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But the girls suddenly love the idea of Acapulco, so the boys decide to do something to make enough money for Acapulco.

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Their brilliant idea is to sell fake autographed sports memorabilia, but they’re quickly found out and and the tell the girls the truth. Everyone goes to start a riot, and Screech is the only one who can stop it so, under normal circumstance, this would mean Bayside is burning down, but it’s convenient to the plot this time so the gang just go in Mr. Belding’s office.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech instantly figures out how to solve the problem of the money: loan the class $400 from the school fund so they can go on the trip. So Screech can’t figure out what to do about a broken leg and gym class but he can figure out what to do about embezzled money? God I hate this show.

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Screech puts on his best James Bond villian face and tells the boys that, not only are they returning the sports memorabilia money, but they’ll be missing the school trip so they can work to repay the school fund…

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…which lands them back washing cars, and ending the main plot.

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Mr. Belding’s back and tells Screech he’s impressed that he was able to solve such a difficult situation when Mr. Belding thought Screech would just staple his eyelids shut in a fit of stupidity. Screech is all egotistic now that he acted as principal for an episode and hoping that something happens in about ten more episodes so he can be principal for good despite that not being how shit works. And our episode ends with Screech getting Mr. Belding’s foot run over by a car because I would not be surprised at this point if Screech got Mr. Belding killed before the end of the season.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 13: “Season Greed-ings”

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Ah, yes, one more mall episode for the season, with Liz explaining that she’s convinced every store in the mall to donate ten percent of their holiday sales to some charity for underprivileged kids, or at least that’s what Katie exposits they are since the dialogue on this show sounds like nothing any kid has ever said. Yes, welcome to our final Christmas episode on this show, and boy is it a doozey, making me wish for the good ‘ole days of clip show Christmas episodes. But there’s no time for thinking about that because Liz continues that the employee who makes the most sales wins a $500 mall gift certificate.

Now I was going to point out all the flaws in this plan, like that an employee of Gadgets and Gimmicks is more likely to win than, say, an employee at the movie theater concession stand since Gadgets and Gimmicks sells higher priced items, but Eric does it for me, pointing out that a pet store isn’t the most likely place to win such a fucking rigged contest. Liz, of course, responds by saying, “Sucks to be you!” and encourages everyone who’s not Eric to do their best and totally not become spoiled greedy bastards.

 

As everyone else scurries out to win this contest, Maria recruits Eric to help her win the gift certificate so she can buy a new watch, which I find highly unbelievable because it means this episode is implying Tony knows how to tell time.

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Meanwhile, in our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot, Screech has quite literally fallen in love with a chess computer Gadgets and Gimmicks is selling and, rather than actually work, he brings it to the food court to play. This angers Mr. Belding since this is the one specific thing he asked Screech not to do, leading me, once again, to ask how he has a fucking job! Any of his fucking jobs!

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In the hallway, Katie uses her feminine wiles to lure nerds to join the gym because she learned nothing from unwanted sexual advances a few weeks ago when it happened to her.

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And Nicky and Tony convince Screech to go see Sludge Monster in the theater because I guess that counts as a sell and shit.

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Maria has Eric sing a song about eating snacks at the Teen Machine and, because this mall has the most easily impressed patrons in the world, good singing makes all the patrons instantly run into the Teen Machine as if Eric is the Pied Piper of shitty mall clubs. When Eric suddenly realizes his voice is like capitalist voodoo, he decides it should be used towards getting him the gift certificate.

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At Gadgets and Gimmicks, Screech chases a customer off rather than sell her the chess computer because Screech just sucks at life and, once again, should not have a job. Any job. Mr. Belding misses this termination worthy exchange and sends Screech to the back to find a toaster or some shit, and sells the chess computer while Screech is gone.

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Naturally, this makes Screech freak the fuck out and act over-dramatically as if Mr. Belding just sold Screech’s favorite sex toy. God this show disturbs me sometimes. Seriously every scene with Screech this episode, my jaw just drops to the floor…

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At PetZilla, Eric uses his musical wiles to convince people to buy hella lots of lizards and shit, because Eric singing is enough to convince a random mother that lizards are the best shit ever. We also find out that PetZilla sells rattle snakes, once again, leading me to question whether the writers understand the difference between a pet and a potentially lethal animal.

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Maria’s none too happy about Eric’s decision to use his voodoo for himself, though, and sabotages Eric’s next performance, because his amp apparently has a setting that makes him sound like a brain dead chipmunk. In the meantime, Liz wanders around pontificating about how great it is everyone is doing shit for the charity and tells Eric and Maria that the others are doing shit too, which they can’t have.

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So Eric goes and finds Nicky and Tony giving out random shit to people for seeing a movie, and I’m glad to see Tony’s finally not wearing makeup on set. As soon as they’re gone, Eric makes a small child cry so he won’t want to see the movie, because now I’ll definitely feel sympathetic towards his eventual quest for redemption.

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Meanwhile, Katie continues seducing nerds with sex…

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…but Maria’s ability to use sex in her advantage trumps Katie’s, and she convinces the guy to come and look at her breasts at the Teen Machine.

Now here’s another problem with this entire plan: none of these stores are mutually exclusive, so there’s nothing to stop this nerd from both joining the gym and going to the Teen Machine if he hopes to have a threesome with Maria and Katie, but I bet this will never be addressed. I bet they also won’t have Nicky and Tony address the fact that their girlfriends are using sex to sell shit.

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Back at Gadgets and Gimmicks, the customer who bought the chess computer brings it back and wants it deprogrammed so it no longer talks about the sex acts it wants to complete on Screech. Screech tells him it’s broken beyond repair and tells the guy to leave his address and they’ll send him a refund, which leads me to believe that, in addition to all the other shit the writers of this show don’t seem to understand, we can add refunds at retails stores to the list. Mr. Belding comes out to find the chess computer returned and is shocked the guy returned it since he bought it for a dying father or some shit, leaving Screech feeling constipated judging by the look on his face.

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At the Teen Machine, the head of the charity shows up with two underprivileged kids. We’re going to see other poor kids in this episode and I think they all have something in common: the costume designers went out to a random Goodwill and bought whatever old looking clothes they could find in a desperate attempt to make the kids look what they believe to be poor. Seriously, are these two kids Depression-era farmers or what?

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But, yeah, in front of the woman, Eric comes in and he and Maria start expositing about all the shit they’re doing to each other to win as Eric releases a rat on the floor to scare everyone out of the Teen Machine.

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Then everyone else comes in and starts yelling about Maria and Eric’s sabotage, the charity lady says they’re not going to accept any shit from this mall because of a couple of stupid kids who could just easily be fired if you complained about them, and Liz is left looking exasperated and wondering why she didn’t just go film for The Bold and the Beautiful today.

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In the food court, Maria and Eric bicker some more so that anyone who fell asleep during the episode can pick up on the important plot points. Liz tells them they’re fucking stupid and just ruined things for the Joad kids. Maria and Eric decide it’s time to come up with a plan that will make everything okay and hit the reset button.

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Speaking of stupid resolutions, Screech finally confesses to Mr. Belding what he did and says he’s sorry he wanted his masturbation fantasy device back. He says he’ll deprogram the chess computer and send it to the customer. Rather than being cause for termination, because Screech, once again, learned not to act like an irresponsible moron as a grown ass adult, everything’s okay now, so of course he won’t lose his job.

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At the Teen Machine, we find out Maria’s plan. First she has a bunch more of the Goodwill kids come in and sit on the floor…

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…as Mr. Belding and Screech come in dressed as Santa and a very stupid Rudolph.

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And the clincher of the plan is that Eric uses his musical voodoo on the kids in the form of his rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which instantly enraptures the kids because they apparently like this more than kid oriented Christmas songs the producers couldn’t afford the rights to.

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Eric’s magical musical voodoo works on the president of the charity as well, leading her to declare that, since everyone’s sorry for acting like fucking morons, everything’s okay.

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Eric reveals he’s getting his mom a lizard with a big fake horn on its nose, and I feel for the fact there’s a live lizard that suffered the indignity of being on this show. Not since the snake back in season two has an animal had to suffer so much in this franchise.

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And our episode and our season ends with Mr. Belding giving out presents to all the kids who were almost screwed out of a happy Christmas by a couple of selfish assholes who will, as usual, suffer no consequences for their actions because that would actually require real, thoughtful writing and shit. And we can’t have none of that stupid drivel on this, the best show in the world ever to star Tom Wade Huntington!


So I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve always said I try to be fair to the producers of this show for things that weren’t necessarily within their control, like out of order episodes. And, yes, seasons six and seven are artificially separated seasons, all filmed for airing in 1998, but broken up in half to give us an extra year of excruciatingly horrible television. As such, I won’t be doing a separate recap for season six, but will wait and recap it along with season seven in January, if for no other reason than I don’t really want to have to analyze Tony twice. So tune in next week as we dive into the last god damned season of this awful show!