I never thought this day would come. The first episode of the final season of The New Class. I’ve been reviewing this fucking show for nearly three years. Three years of my life on this garbage, and it will be over in thirteen episodes! It’s like that feeling when you’ve been constipated for days, but your suffering is finally relieved by a less than satisfying bowel movement. I can almost taste the end of this bloody awful mess!
So, as long as they confine this season to the second semester of the gang’s senior year, I’m okay with the artificial division between seasons six and seven. Let’s see how well they do!
We open to meet the boy’s business teacher, Mr. Schecter. Obvious Mr. Tuttle rip-off is obvious. Turns out the boys have a business class assignment to pick a stock and follow it as if they’d invested in it. They’re to team up, and the winning team gets to skip Mr. Schechter’s first test, which is incentive enough for our idiots. Oh, yay. We’re ripping off a Good Morning, Miss Bliss plot, and it’s one of the bad episodes. Boy, this season is off to a good start! Nicky, Eric, and Tony all decide to team up since they’re the only ones in Mr. Schecter’s class who get credited for their appearance.
The writers decide to deliver the other half of the main plot in the most awkward way possible by first having the girls talk about raising money for the class trip fundraiser and then having Mr. Belding and Screech come up to tell them he’s already made a decision that they can have a car wash for their class trip. So many questions. Like why does Liz get to go on the class trip when season six implied she was a year younger than the rest of them? Or why are we doing yet another fundraiser episode? Or why do I keep expecting The New Class to have things like consistency or compelling plots?
But the biggest problem: why are we just now fundraising for a class trip at the beginning of the spring semester? I have a feeling I’ll have my answer in a couple minutes.
The boys aren’t initially interested in participating in the car wash, but Mr. Belding tells them they’re not repeating that plot from season five so they better work or no class trip! Also, Mr. Belding keeps randomly sneezing. Believe it or not, this matters to the episode.
At The Max, the boys try to decide what stock to invest in. Tony’s all, “TONY EAT HEALTH BAR! TONY LIKE HEALTH BAR! TONY GIVE ERIC IDEA TO INVEST IN HEALTH BAR COMPANY!” And they do, because, despite Nicky’s initial feeble protestations, they’re not about to do anything that’s not going to let them finish this plot in twenty minutes.
The girls, meanwhile, try to decide where to go on the class trip, with San Diego and Palm Springs being finalists, the latter in the hopes they can rip off yet another original series episode before this show ends. Naturally, the boys think with their penises about the possibility of seeing the girls in bikinis, blah, blah, blah, heard this a thousand times before.
At the car wash, the boys don’t have much fun, mainly because they’re all washing cars in their school clothes and probably soaking wet.
Screech comes out and acts like a dumb ass, spraying Mr. Belding with a bunch of water when he attempts to wash Mr. Belding’s car. But what else is new? Screech has been with this franchise for twelve years and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber.
After a day, the boys are ahead in the class project. How surprising. Could this episode be any more cliche?
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding now instantly has a fever from the car wash shower, so he does perhaps the stupidest thing he’s ever done on this show: he goes home sick and puts Screech in charge of the school. Once again, this is not how this fucking works! A vice-principal or principal designate would be placed in charge, someone who actually has a teaching and administration degree, not a fucking dumb ass who, by all appearances, never even graduated college but dropped out to be an administrative assistant! But why would it surprise me that the writers have no idea how school administration works on a show about school!
Suddenly, Screech realizes he’s been left in a job he’s totally unqualified for, and he does his best impression of Beaker from The Muppet Show.
In the fundraising subplot, the car wash only raised them $400, which I’m surprised the writers aren’t trying to pass off as enough to send them to fucking Bermuda or something. But they actually have a sense of money this time and know that’s not enough for a class trip, so the girls are depressed that this is the first time a fundraising effort has not been successful. As such, they can only afford a day trip to Magic Mountain, and the girls give Nicky the money to buy the tickets because he’s suddenly class treasurer even though it hasn’t been mentioned before.
Also, it appears as if Tony and Maria aren’t dating anymore as she gives him the stink eye when he tries to hug someone. Yes, this episode, chronologically, belongs in season six before Tony and Maria were dating. Congratulations, show. I gave you one more chance to prove yourself and you blew it the very first episode of the season.
Yes, you can predict the rest. Eric and Tony get the idea to invest the $400 into the health bar company, and they convince Nicky to do it by insinuating he might get some poon tang from Katie.
At The Max, Tony finally gets his hug as the boys discover their money’s doubled thanks to the stock. Now’s the point when the writers have no clue how much money trips take as the boys think $800 is enough to send their entire class to Palm Springs. Oh, The New Class, you’re so cute when you try to sound like you know what you’re talking about! Wait, no you’re not! You’re awful and I want the show to end!
They decide to keep the investment a secret from the girls and Nicky wants to sell the stock, but they discover it’s doubled again and Eric and Tony want to leave it in so they can take a trip to Acapulco. Nicky’s trying to be the voice of reason…
…but he’s convinced via a dream sequence that Acapulco is sure to get him some hot Katie action…
…so he’s suddenly all about making this plot move along.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech can’t even manage to sit in Mr. Belding’s chair correctly and falls onto the desk. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get a concussion.
Screech gets his first “challenge” as principal when he has to decide what to do about this student who’s broken his leg and wants permission not to participate in gym class. Screech, being a complete moron, thinks this is a difficult problem and can’t figure out what to do…
…so he calls Mr. Belding at home, who tells him to fuck off and quit calling him, so Screech just tells the poor extra to play soccer in gym with his good foot. Way to go. Predictably, Screech has already placed Bayside in possible liability should something happen in class.
The boys are Screech’s next visitors, who want permission for the Acapulco trip. Now what’s Screech’s response you ask?
Why he brings them and the entire marching band into Mr. Belding’s bedroom to dance around and generally annoy the shit out of him. Why, at this point, Mr. Belding doesn’t call up the superintendant and ask him to get someone competent in there I don’t know, but Mr. Belding just tells Screech to fuck off and make decisions on his own, as if Screech is a child who can’t decide which pair of underwear to put on. Come to think of it, that probably is a daily dilemma for Screech.
Back at Bayside, the boys finally tell the girls about Acapulco, and they’re all pissed off the boys risked their money even though each of them have done stupider shit during their time on this show. They tell the boys they better be glad there’s not still seven minutes left in this episode for a third act and rush off.
Mr. Schecter comes out and exposits to the boys about how the FTC recalled the health bars because they have no health benefits. Add FTC procedures and regulations to the list of things the writers have no idea about. In any case, the stock’s worthless in the Saved by the Bell universe and the boys have lost all their money, in case you didn’t see that one coming.
At The Max, the boys try to think of what to do about the money and decide they could still go to Magic Mountain since the girls were pissed about the idea in the first place.
But the girls suddenly love the idea of Acapulco, so the boys decide to do something to make enough money for Acapulco.
Their brilliant idea is to sell fake autographed sports memorabilia, but they’re quickly found out and and the tell the girls the truth. Everyone goes to start a riot, and Screech is the only one who can stop it so, under normal circumstance, this would mean Bayside is burning down, but it’s convenient to the plot this time so the gang just go in Mr. Belding’s office.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech instantly figures out how to solve the problem of the money: loan the class $400 from the school fund so they can go on the trip. So Screech can’t figure out what to do about a broken leg and gym class but he can figure out what to do about embezzled money? God I hate this show.
Screech puts on his best James Bond villian face and tells the boys that, not only are they returning the sports memorabilia money, but they’ll be missing the school trip so they can work to repay the school fund…
…which lands them back washing cars, and ending the main plot.
Mr. Belding’s back and tells Screech he’s impressed that he was able to solve such a difficult situation when Mr. Belding thought Screech would just staple his eyelids shut in a fit of stupidity. Screech is all egotistic now that he acted as principal for an episode and hoping that something happens in about ten more episodes so he can be principal for good despite that not being how shit works. And our episode ends with Screech getting Mr. Belding’s foot run over by a car because I would not be surprised at this point if Screech got Mr. Belding killed before the end of the season.