Monthly Archives: December 2016

The New Class Season 7, Episode 12: “The Bell Tolls”

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We open in the hallway with Maria and Tony excited to be finished with a final exam. Tony is all, “TONY RIP NOTES NOW!” and rips up his notes just as Eric comes out to tell him he’s an idiot and picked up his trigonometry note. Oh, Tony, you’re going to go out of this franchise just as big an idiot as you came in, aren’t you?

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Nicky and Katie brag all about their superior relationship that’s going to transcend their time at Bayside and how he can’t wait to show her around New York, which I assume is code for hot fucking. We finally find out that Nicky’s going to NYU for film studies even though he’s never expressed this interest before while Katie’s going to Columbia for journalism. Katie’s got to stop home before lunch, though, so she can find out how much of a scholarship she’s getting and whether there will be conflict about it this week.

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Meanwhile, Screech is busy decapitating flowers hoping to divine whether Mr. Belding’s going to leave or not.

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Mr. Belding comes up and reveals his decision to the gang: he’s going to accept the position so he can get the fuck away from Screech before this job takes his last remaining sanity. Everyone gives their teary, “We love you and learned our lesson last week so we’re not going to pressure you to stay and shit!” But Screech decides he needs a subplot so he’s in complete denial that Mr. Belding is leaving because that’s why he felt such a need to keep him at Bayside last week.

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At The Max, Maria decides that, since they’re going to be Mr. Belding’s last graduating class, they need to do something special for him to help him take away some memories other than the fragility of Screech. Eric wants to get I *heart* Belding tattoos but forgets he already has one. She decides that each graduating senior will wear a ’68 patch on their gown to honor Mr. Belding’s year of graduation. Whatever I suppose. I guess it’s an okay tribute, though an operation to remove all memories of Screech would be a better present.

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Katie comes in upset, saying she only got a partial scholarship to Columbia and can’t afford to pay the difference, which means she can’t go and will have to go to California State instead. Oh, poor Cal U, snubbed again by your lack of actual existence. Nicky, of course, is distressed he may not get his New York love fest after all.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech continues to think that Mr. Belding is putting him on by packing up his office. Mr. Belding finally tells Screech to shut the fuck up because he’s getting the fuck up out of here, and every ending is some other beginning’s end. Screech looks distressed as Mr. Belding leaves. Maria enters and asks Screech to present their very special present to Mr. Belding at graduation because they want to traumatize him one more time.

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In the hallway, Maria’s distressed the gowns are dirty, apparently not knowing things can be cleaned. Tony is all, “TONY AND ERIC USE MACHINE WITH SUDSY WATER TO CLEAN GOWNS!” Maria’s happy she doesn’t have to think about it anymore, but apparently misses that there might be something up about this, not to mention the fact she left this task in the hands of the two stupidest members of the gang., not to mention mention most gowns are dry clean only.

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Nicky runs up and says he’s decided not to go to NYU after all so he can still get his hot fucking. Katie’s excited but Liz has nothing better to do this episode so she acts as a wet blanket to remind her that going to NYU is a dream Nicky’s had since this episode.

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Later, in the hallway, Katie shits on all Nicky’s ideas to stay in LA, saying, “But what about NYU!” Nicky acts equally stupid by getting pissy with Katie and insisting he has to give up NYU for them to be together and shit and that’s just the end of the story.

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Meanwhile, our resident idiots ruin the gowns by putting an ink pen in with them. Not to worry, though, they prove their idiocy knows no bounds as they decide to put an entire bottle of bleach in the washer and rewash the gowns. These two are going to be voted most likely to die a very painful, stupid death, aren’t they?

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At The Max, the gang celebrate what could be their final time together at the place that was once owned by a guy who kept baby chickens in his pants by stealing shit. No joke. They steal shit and then decide they need to go back to Bayside one more time so they can move multiple plot lines along.

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Katie stays behind, though, to tell Liz she an’t let Nicky turn down NYU and is going to pretend to not give a shit about him so he’ll break up with her and go.

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Maria and Nicky meet Mr. Belding in the hallway as Mr. Belding’s taking out the last of his shit. After Mr. Belding’s out of earshot, Screech starts screaming at Maria about graduation and says he can’t handle giving a gift and shit.

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And, as if that’s not enough, Eric and Tony reveal that their idiocy has caused white spots to appear on the gowns because that’s exactly how bleach works.

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And Katie comes up and tells Nicky she doesn’t give a shit about him. He breaks up with her and decides to go to NYU. He doesn’t recognize this is a plagiarized resolution to a California Dreams episode and gets going.

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For some reason, Bayside decides to have graduation at the same place as the prom, which turns out to be Palisades Public Hall because the writers are continuing to believe Palisades is a city and shit. I guess the gym was taken up with Screech auctioning off Mr. Belding’s underwear or something.

Mr. Belding, of course, thinks the white spots on the gown are tie-dye in honor of his graduation year.

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He asks if anyone’s seen Screech and Screech overhears Mr. Belding talk about being emotional and shit.

Katie tries to talk to Nicky but he’s basically like, “Fuck off, whore!” and she runs off. Liz tells Nicky it’s about time, after four seasons, he wake up and realize when there’s a really contrived plot in action. Nicky finds Katie and confronts her on this. She admits she just wants him to follow his relatively new dream and that, if they’re meant to be together, NBC will order a reunion movie taking place in Las Vegas where they’ll be married. Otherwise, it’ll just be clear the viewers don’t give a shit about them. They decide to go their separate ways.

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It’s time for graduation and, of course, our main characters get to sit in the front row because they’re the only ones that actually matter. Yeah, that’s exactly how seating at commencement works: sit out of alphabetical order next to your friends. What the fuck ever.

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Maria gives a bit of a speech as Mr. Belding, Screech, and two people we’ve never met look on. Seriously, you just introduced us to the superintendent two weeks ago. Could you not have enough foresight to consider that maybe it might be good to have him back for graduation? Fucking incompetent writers to the end.

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Screech presents Mr. Belding with his present from the graduating class, an oil painting that will live on forever in the halls of Bayside along with Screech’s undying sorrow that they won’t grow old together and have babies.

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And then, we have the diploma presentation, and Mr. Belding gives each of our six characters a mini-speech about how proud he is of them and shit. If he does this for every graduating student, this must be the longest commencement ever. Tony here is all, “DIPLOMA LOOK DELICIOUS! TONY EAT DIPLOMA NOW!” Of course, all the extras already have their diplomas and I like to imagine Mr. Belding just threw them randomly into the audience yelling, Oprah style, “You get a diploma and you get a diploma!”

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Our six characters join a group of extras for our final scene as they sing the old school song. And, despite the fact we were supposed to have learned about the evils of sleep deprivation last season, they leave the lyrics about studying until 3:00 unchanged because this show is completely and utterly unable to continue anything past one episode, not even to mention the fact that it’s painfully obvious the only person singing in their real voice is Eric. Everyone else doesn’t sound at all like their real voices.

So Mr. Belding presents the class of 2000. Yes, in case you’re one of those still desperately trying to resolve this show with real time, this means Maria was, indeed, in high school for at least six years. And our episode ends with the realization that, after USA jettisons reruns of this show in a few years, no one will give a shit about any of these people anymore.

Of course, I think the biggest surprise is that the rumor I’ve been hearing all these years about Screech becoming principal in the final episode are not true. Thank god someone saw fit to not put him in charge of the lives of teenagers. Maybe that’s where the superintendent is: off trying to hire a new principal whose first act will be to fire Screech for his bull shit! Unfortunately, we all know that would never happen because this is the universe where Screech could go on a murderous rampage and only receive a lecture with the week’s lesson as his punishment.

Oh, hallelujah! After two and a half years, this stupid fucking torturous ass series with some of the worst writing and acting I’ve ever seen in my life is finally over! I need never watch it again! Maybe I should even burn my DVDs for some cathartic release because you know they’re going away in some deep, dark cabinet, never to see the light of day again! The end of this stupid fucking series was the best Christmas present I could have received this year!

Wait, what’s that you’re saying, comments section? There’s one more episode after this? And, to add insult to injury, the final episode is an out of order episode that has nothing to do with the end of the series? And I have to review it?

God damn it.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 11: “Mr. B. Goes to College”

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We open to discover that, once again, a random adult has wandered into Bayside and is just walking around the halls like they belong there. Were schools really this unsafe in the 1990s? I don’t remember my high school being so irresponsible, but who knows. He walks up to some random teenagers in the hallway who look like they may be getting paid for this episode to ask them where Mr. Belding is rather than going to the office and having him paged like a normal person.

Turns out this is Brian Campbell, an old frat brother of Mr. Belding’s, and he starts just telling stories about Mr. Belding to these kids he just met because that’s not creepy and shit. He says that was a long time ago, though, and he’s sure Mr. Belding doesn’t have an incompetent administrative assistant who makes him do stupid shit.

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Unfortunately, Brian would be wrong on that account as Screech has decided that, for graduation, they need to dress like horrible Middle Eastern stereotypes as a tribute to all the casual racism of this show. Mr. Belding gives some exposition about how Brian is now the president of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, and he says he’s here looking for prospects for new faculty and thought he’d stop in so he can be in this eternally memorable show before it goes off the air.

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Mr. Belding and Brian go in his office to look through an old photo album and Mr. Belding invites Screech and the gang along to look at the album because, after twelve years in this franchise, Mr. Belding still has no boundaries when it comes to friendships with students, and I’m sure they don’t have class or anything to keep them away.

And then comes the real horror of this episode: it’s a clip show episode, the final of the franchise, and the gang randomly start telling Brian about the incompetent things Mr. Belding and Screech have done over the last four seasons. Unfortunately, they even show clips of the season five wilderness survival episodes because I wanted to see shit from those episodes again.

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And, after Brian has had a chance to listen to the stupid things that go on at Bayside, he’s all, “Now I want to offer you a job as dean at my university because I enjoy people who don’t fire completely stupid and idiotic staff members and break lots of boundaries!” Yeah, lots of people without PhDs get scouted out for upper level university administration jobs by former college classmates. Is this a diploma mill Mr. Belding is being offered? And we fade to commercial break with the gang wondering what the fuck just happened.

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We rejoin Mr. Belding in the hallway as Screech begs Mr. Belding not to leave him before they have a chance to consummate their love. Mr. Belding tells Screech to fuck off so he can think about whether he wants out of this torturous hell. Screech and the gang decide to be little assholes and convince Mr. Belding to stay at Bayside because they must maintain the status quo for eternity.

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At The Max,  Screech and the gang show Mr. Belding some clips about how he’s supposedly helped them, including Tony being all, “TONY STOP SMOKING CIGARS BECAUSE OF MR. PRINCIPAL PERSON!” Mr. Belding decides that’s a rock solid case that he’s needed in this franchise since Screech will obviously fuck things up even worse if left unsupervised, and says he’ll go tell Brian he’s turning down the job, looking dejected that he’s not getting away from Screech.

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Screech gives his constipated face as he and the gang realize they’ve been little assholes to convince Mr. Belding to stay, even though this is exactly what they did to a much less competent Screech a few seasons ago. But this time it’s wrong because Mr. Belding is going to die from a stroke due to stress before Little Zack enters puberty.

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Screech and the gang go to Mr. Belding’s office and convince him, though the power of yet more clips, how much he’s taught them to see both sides of the issue because that somehow means he should re-evaluate his decision to stay.

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What I find more distracting is that they actually show a clip from season two’s “The Return of Screech,” and I can’t believe I’d forgotten how much less annoying season two Screech was before he swallowed a dying squirrel later in the series. What’s more, they even show the horrible season two cast talking in the clip as if they actually existed, including my arch-nemesis, fake-Swiss Brian. I guess none of those people will be graduating next week since they were smart and abandoned this stupid show. Well, Screech does name Tommy D, Lindsay, Rachel, and Ryan by name as people Mr. Belding has influenced since they’re in the three season club, but fuck any of those other losers who have been on this show over the years. I guess that’s the writers of this show trying to figure out how to give closure for a show that’s lasted seven seasons but only seen one consistent cast member.

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Well, Mr. Belding says the power of clips has convinced him to rethink whether he wants to take the job because incompetent writers thought this would be some sort of cliffhanger going into graduation. And our episode ends with Mr. Belding putting the dreaded “To Be Continued” up on the screen as he promises to reveal his decision next week. Need I remind my audience that, the last time a cliffhanger on this show involved a clip show episode, they burned The Max down and brought Slater back for a very stupid cameo?

The New Class Season 7, Episode 10: “The Last Prom”

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Why, no, no, I don’t, because, last time Bayside had a prom for a group of students deemed worthy to be followed around by cameras, it was fucking stupid. I’m sure it will be just as idiotic this time, but, if I’m to get through these last four episodes, I have to endure it anyway.

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We open to find Eric singing creepily to random extras, presumably because Anthony Harrell’s finally cracking under the insanity of being in this stupid fucking show. Turns out he’s happy the characters are going to get to announce where they’re going to college, just in case NBC loses their mind and decide they want to try The College Years again. I have two questions: why is Eric just now getting his acceptance letter (and is it a legit university) and why are they doing this as if none of them have heard this in the clunkiest way possible. Writing, people! Writing!

In any case, our characters are going to:

  • Eric: The Chicago Academy of Music, which does exist but doesn’t offer degrees and mostly teaches children, so good luck with that, Eric.
  • Liz: Stanford. I guess she’s fulfilling Jessie’s dream.
  • Tony: San Diego State. No, I refuse to believe a college would admit Tony.
  • Katie and Nicky: Going to New York, university not specified so I have to assume they’re moving in with Nicky’s mom so Nicky can play video games all day while Katie raises their babies.
  • Maria: UCLA.

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Tony thinks Maria is going to be lonely so he assures her, “TONY ONLY BE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MARIA SO TONY STOP IN OFTEN FOR THE HANKY PANKEY!” Maria’s excited to be meeting new people and be rid of The New Class cast, though, and maybe she might even get a role in a shitty Denzel Washington movie!

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We meet Liz’s date, who all but uses sex to get him to do whatever the hell she wants, which apparently involves climbing a mountain and getting her flowers because we’re portraying Liz as a greedy, selfish bastard this episode. Hoping to get into Liz’s pants before she goes Christian, the boy rushes off to find the flowers she wants.

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Our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot this week is that Mr. Belding trusts Screech to sort his allergy medicine, which it’s Mr. Belding’s damn fault for whatever consequences occur as a result. If h’s going to leave the man who walked in and thought a bunch of pills were candy in charge of his medicine, he deserves whatever is coming. Mr. Belding leaves Screech to sort them out on his own…

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…and Nicky and Katie, as co-chairs of the prom committee, walk in and distract Screech. Since Screech can’t even retain important instructions on a good day without high school students distracting him over the color of baloons, he mixes up the instructions. Rather than telling Mr. Belding, he lets him just swallow the pills and waits for whatever zaney antics are to come.

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At The Max, Nicky and Katie freak out that the napkins and tablecloths nearly didn’t match and apparently would have cancelled prom had they not. Even the writers realize how stupid this is as Eric starts making fun of them, but Katie says their last prom has to be perfect and shit since some of their acting careers won’t make it past the end of the season.

Tony comes over and wants to be a wet blanket to Maria’s excitement over college and is all, “TONY AND MARIA NEVER LEAVE THE NEW CLASS! TONY AND MARIA BE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS FOREVER!” Eric senses something’s wrong by the over the top pouty expression on Maria’s face, and she confesses she doesn’t understand that Tony wants everything will be the same and wants to hold on to this show because it’s virtually all he’ll ever have: the final two seasons of one of the worst spin-offs ever.

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Back at Bayside, Eric breaks the news to Liz that her date was injured trying to get her stupid flowers. Rather than be concerned the guy apparently almost died, Liz is more worried that she now doesn’t have a prom date and mad that her date didn’t call to tell her he almost died. Eric tells her not to worry for he’s the character with lots of siblings and he’s sure he can get one of them to go to prom with her.

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Meanwhile, Tony gives Maria a calling card so they can call each other every night when they’re off at college. She tells Eric she can’t take much more of his bad acting smothering, but she says she can’t tell him he’s fucking stupid on their prom night and maybe she can just wait until the end of the series and then tell him. Eric reminds her that, since this is the plot of the episode, she’s probably going to need to tell him soon so she better get ready for it.

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It’s time for prom at wherever the hell this is…

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…and Katie thinks it’s perfect and beautiful and shit.

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Unfortunately for Liz, the only one of Eric’s brothers available for this episode was his brother Warren, so she’s now dating a twelve year-old I guess. He immediately tries to start kissing her and drags her away for a humiliating night.

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Tony gives Maria a bracelet to remind Maria of him when he’s long gone from acting, and she’s less than thrilled about the fake guilt trip he’s putting her through.

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Nicky and Katie are horrified to discover their band was sent to Tijuana. Instead of taking advantage of the perfect opportunity to have a California Dreams reunion, they send in a stereotypical Mexican mariachi band because I knew something stupid was going to happen at this prom.

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Oh, but not just one something stupids because Mr. Belding’s high and knocks food off the table so he can sleep. Screech randomly decides his job is to keep Mr. Belding from getting in trouble with the superintendent, Mr. Fenwick, because explaining you doped your boss may get you fired or some shit.

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Fortunately, we have casual racism to fall back on so Screech dresses Mr. Belding up as a mariachi singer. Though Mr. Fenwick doesn’t recognize Mr. Belding at first, a few racist stereotypes are all it takes for Mr. Fenwick to finally recognize a man as the same man with a really bad mustache and racist costume.

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Warren goes off to hit on Katie and Liz calls him a scuz bucket for hitting on another older girl when she made it pretty clear she didn’t like him. He runs off, tired of being a C-plot on a really horrible show and just biding his time until he can be in the movie adaptation of Holes with quality actors like Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, and Nicky gets punch spilled all over him and Tony feels the need to point it out to him. Tony’s a special kind of guy.

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Maria and Eric go outside to talk about how much Tony sucks and, the fuck out of nowhere, they start making out. In about the millionth time this subplot has happened on this show, Tony comes out and finds them there and runs off to figure out how to emote what he’s feeling.

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Liz finds Warren and apologizes for making him long for days of Shia LaBeouf and insists that, one day, he might even get laid. I swear, Warren’s a better actor than certain cast members on this show, and he’s like twelve. Why couldn’t he be a main character the last two seasons?

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Maria finds Tony and Tony’s all, “ERIC EXPLAIN TO TONY THAT HANKEY PANKEY ON BALCONY JUST BAD WRITING AND TONY FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT MANURE!” Maria tells Tony they can’t just forget about that manure, though, and they need to talk so they can have a climax, and not of the good kind.

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Mr. Fenwick demands an explanation of Mr. Belding’s condition and Screech finally admits to mixing up Mr. Belding’s pills because he apparently takes ecstasy for his allergies. This is the perfect chance for someone not Mr. Belding to fire Screech for his incompetence, but Mr. Fenwick, of course, has been fooled by Screech’s Siren song and can’t fire him. Instead, he turns this into a very special episode message about the dangers of taking the wrong dosage of prescriptions medicine, and, I swear, this may be the most shoehorned message of this series. In fact maybe, if Mr. Belding quits in like two episodes, Screech can be rewarded for his stupidity with a job he’s completely unqualified for!

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On the balcony, Tony’s all, “TONY HAVE HORNY FEELINGS FOR MARIA AND WANT MARIA IN TONY’S LIFE!” Tony tells him fuck that shit, though, and she needs to break free of his bad acting grip. She breaks up with him and gives him his bracelet back so she never has to think about him again after graduation.

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Inside, Nicky and Katie bemoan how stupid this night has been as Liz says Warren is off sleeping with Mr. Belding because that couldn’t be taken the wrong way.

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And our episode ends with our main characters having their final dance to a bad mariachi slow dance song as Maria and Tony promise to be friends at least to the end of the series.

Good lord, that episode was one huge mess. It’s like they wanted an emotional episode with six underdeveloped characters so they had to throw something together to pretend we’ve ever given a shit about any of them.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 9: “Party Animals”

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Well, we’re near the close of the season so that means it’s time for…semester finals. Okay, I guess that could work. We’ve only got a couple episodes left until finals. Let’s see where our brilliant writers go with this. I’m sure, knowing this show, it will be competent and Emmy worthy.

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We open at Bayside as Tony is all, “TONY ACE HISTORY TEST! ERIC GIVE TONY KISS NOW!” Eric gets the fuck out of the way and pushes Maria into Tony’s kiss instead because no one really wants to kiss him.

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But Nicky’s pretty depressed about the geometry test. Katie’s pretty bummed, too, because she’s poor again this episode and needs to think about scholarships. I mean, it’s only a few episodes to the end of the series. Shouldn’t she have been thinking about scholarships last season? The New Class, do you not know how scholarships work either?

Maria suggests they do the traditional thing that was just invented in year twelve of this franchise by having a end of semester party and shit. Liz is excited because this means she can have her first beer with her friends, but Nicky reminds Liz that the rest of them already had very special episodes about drinking, except Tony, who I assume is just drunk all the time with his stupidity.

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In the traditional Mr. Belding and Screech subplot, Screech hears a rumor from Valley’s lunch lady that some Valley students are planning on pulling a prank on Bayside tonight. Mr. Belding tells Screech to quit being stupid and pulling him into yet another lame ass subplot, but Screech reminds Mr. Belding that they once tied Mr. Belding up in his underwear. Actually, wouldn’t that be a good thing for Screech as it would allow him to see the object of his affections nearly nude? After all, isn’t that why Screech always stops dating the pretty girls he’s with on this show: because he realizes no one can really replace Mr. Belding?

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In Miss Bickle’s chemistry class…was Miss Bickle a chemistry teacher before? I can’t remember. I can’t be expected to give a shit about the minor characters of this show this late in the run. Anyway, Miss Bickle says next semester they’ll be studying the “mystery of hydrogen.” One, why would they study hydrogen in the second semester of a chemistry class? What did they study this semester: Screech? Two, does Miss Bickle not realize it’s a few episodes before graduation? How is she going to have them next semester?

Fucking hell, The New Class, you did it again, didn’t you? This is yet another episode that chronologically belongs in season six. Fucking hell, The New Class.

Oh, yeah, and Liz reminds Miss Bickle of their homework so we can establish she’s a kiss ass really quickly.

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Mr. Belding and Screech come in and ask Miss Bickle if they can make an announcement, and she says it must be important. No, Miss Bickle, you aren’t on this show enough to realize that nothing these two do on this show is important. In fact, I’m willing to bet they’re here because they forgot how to operate the intercom. And they prove me right as they go into a lecture on the dangers of alcohol and how they hope none of their students are planning on being in a very special episode about the dangers of drinking at the end of the semester. Fortunately, none of these consequences will occur in this episode, making it even stupider and giving Screech a chance to talk about doing the Macarena with his chicken or some shit. And, as they leave, it gives Screech the opportunity to scream mad ramblings about Valley students pulling pranks or some shit.

Are Mr. Belding and Screech going around to every class giving this lecture or are our six idiots the important ones since they’re in the credits?

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Well, Mr. Belding and Screech used up the last bit of Miss Bickle’s class so the boys talk about how bad drinking and driving is but that it’s okay because they’re not going to drive, which sounds reasonable. Katie’s all, “WAH WAH WAH guys, underage drinking is illegal,” and Tony is all, “TONY GIVES NO SHITS ABOUT KATIE’S MORAL LECTURES.” The boys say they’ll get enough beer for everyone and we have a plot.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding discovers his old badminton trophy is missing. Screech decides this must be the work of Valley, but Mr. Belding is sensibly like, “What the fuck does Valley want with my badminton trophy?” Not one to be dissuaded from a stupid subplot by logic, Screech quickly convinces Mr. Belding of the truth of his ramblings through more stupid ramblings. Now thoroughly convinced because plot, Mr. Belding decides they have to nab the Valley students.

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At The Max, Nicky reveals he couldn’t get any beer. And why couldn’t he get any beer, you ask?

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Because Nicky doesn’t understand how fake IDs work and apparently got one with a picture of a middle-aged Filipino man. At least the show didn’t make the reason Nicky couldn’t get beer out to be that the fake ID is two years expired. Tony got beer because he already looks like he’s not in high school, except he was stupid and got non-alcoholic beer. Don’t worry, though, Maria and Liz flirted with a few guys and bought liquor so they’re all set for a nice moralizing lesson.

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At the set for season five’s wilderness survival episodes (I guess they had to get their money’s worth out of that set since no one will ever see it again), everyone except Katie’s drinking up and singing shit. Eric finds out that Maria and Tony didn’t do so well on the history test and keeps rubbing it in the whole night.

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Katie’s a blast at parties as she’s sitting around thinking about tests. Nicky’s all, “You need some beer,” and she’s all, “But I’m a wet blanket and don’t like beer.”  No joking: everyone, including the extras, start chanting Katie’s name until she gives in and starts drinking because real friends pressure each other into doing things they don’t want to.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding and Screech make a plan to nab the non-existent Valley pranksters using Spice Girls dolls, because that reference isn’t dated or anything. Yeah, this is supposed to be a replica of Bayside’s full grounds.

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Back at wilderness survival grounds, Katie’s drunk and telling Liz how much she sucks for being a suck-up to Miss Bickle because I guess Katie’s been holding in so much anger that it comes out while she’s drunk.

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And, at Bayside, Screech throws a net over Mr. Belding so he has an excuse to tackle Mr. Belding.

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And then he ties them up in a big net trap so they can be together all night and make out. Mr. Belding tells Screech how fucking stupid this is as, if there are Valley students pranking them, they have no way to get them back now.

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And we’re immediately back to wilderness survival, where, as the rest of the mini-plots go on, Katie dances with one of the extras and makes out with him. Before he can confront her, though, sirens start blaring with police coming to break up the party off-screen. Yeah, no joke. We immediately go to commercial…

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…and return the next day to find the gang at The Max. And, what’s worse, they’re all going to tell us what their off-screen consequences were:

  • Tony hurt his throwing arm trying to get away. Don’t worry. There won’t be a Saved by the Bell: The New Class: The College Years where that will come in handy. You’re done and forgotten in a few episodes.
  • Eric got arrested and his parents had to bail him out.
  • Maria got arrested and Captain Lopez left her to rot in jail and shit.
  • Liz vomits. Sexy.

That’s some great writing there, guys. As my English professor always said, tell, don’t show. Oh, wait, no he didn’t because that’s not the way you get viewers to give a shit about your show! This is like bad Saved by the Bell fan fiction written by a twelve-year old. What’s worse is the only revelations we’ve gotten on why alcohol is bad is because underage drinking is illegal, you might get sick, you might act like an asshole, and, if you’re a horrible actor like Tony, you might experience some hilarious pain. Like many other very special episodes this show has featured, I doubt this one is convincing anyone who’s not already a goody two shoes like Katie.

Speaking of Katie, she comes in and apologizes to the gang for being an asshole while drunk but especially apologizes to Nicky for doing the exact same thing to him that he did to her four seasons ago with Maria. He’s all, “Fuck you, slut!” and sends her off for shaming. The rest of the gang tell him that, if it hadn’t been for his ham-fisted attempts at peer pressure they all supported, she wouldn’t have drank, therefore her making out with another guy is his fault so he needs to immediately forgive her. He marches out of The Max to consider whether he’s ready to press the reset button, and Eric apologizes for being an asshole about the test and shit, because that little thread was so important.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, we learn Screech chewed their way out of the net after three hours because we’re getting more evidence he’s not human. There’s a present on Mr. Belding’s desk, apparently from Mrs. Belding, who not only calls herself Mrs. Belding to her husband but had the badminton trophy reconditioned because we needed a stupid excuse for that subplot and Screech once again was an idiot, as if that surprises me at this point.

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And, in Screech’s weekly attempt to kill Mr. Belding, he apparently hid a bear trap behind Mr. Belding’s desk, which he promptly sticks his foot in, ending this stupid subplot.

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In the hallway, Nicky apologizes to Katie and Katie apologizes to Nicky and, though he claims he can’t get the picture of her kissing the other boy out of his head, he’s all, “We’ve only got a few episodes left. Let’s just press the reset button.” So they do, and they vow to never drink again, even when they go off to college, because that will make them a blast at college parties. They know it’s going to be hard as they remember when they got drunk in Paris last year, realizing that their sobriety is at the whim of the worst writers on television, and the episode ends with the realization for me that these fucking very special episodes just keep getting worse and worse.

T-minus four episodes remaining.