Well, we’re near the close of the season so that means it’s time for…semester finals. Okay, I guess that could work. We’ve only got a couple episodes left until finals. Let’s see where our brilliant writers go with this. I’m sure, knowing this show, it will be competent and Emmy worthy.
We open at Bayside as Tony is all, “TONY ACE HISTORY TEST! ERIC GIVE TONY KISS NOW!” Eric gets the fuck out of the way and pushes Maria into Tony’s kiss instead because no one really wants to kiss him.
But Nicky’s pretty depressed about the geometry test. Katie’s pretty bummed, too, because she’s poor again this episode and needs to think about scholarships. I mean, it’s only a few episodes to the end of the series. Shouldn’t she have been thinking about scholarships last season? The New Class, do you not know how scholarships work either?
Maria suggests they do the traditional thing that was just invented in year twelve of this franchise by having a end of semester party and shit. Liz is excited because this means she can have her first beer with her friends, but Nicky reminds Liz that the rest of them already had very special episodes about drinking, except Tony, who I assume is just drunk all the time with his stupidity.
In the traditional Mr. Belding and Screech subplot, Screech hears a rumor from Valley’s lunch lady that some Valley students are planning on pulling a prank on Bayside tonight. Mr. Belding tells Screech to quit being stupid and pulling him into yet another lame ass subplot, but Screech reminds Mr. Belding that they once tied Mr. Belding up in his underwear. Actually, wouldn’t that be a good thing for Screech as it would allow him to see the object of his affections nearly nude? After all, isn’t that why Screech always stops dating the pretty girls he’s with on this show: because he realizes no one can really replace Mr. Belding?
In Miss Bickle’s chemistry class…was Miss Bickle a chemistry teacher before? I can’t remember. I can’t be expected to give a shit about the minor characters of this show this late in the run. Anyway, Miss Bickle says next semester they’ll be studying the “mystery of hydrogen.” One, why would they study hydrogen in the second semester of a chemistry class? What did they study this semester: Screech? Two, does Miss Bickle not realize it’s a few episodes before graduation? How is she going to have them next semester?
Fucking hell, The New Class, you did it again, didn’t you? This is yet another episode that chronologically belongs in season six. Fucking hell, The New Class.
Oh, yeah, and Liz reminds Miss Bickle of their homework so we can establish she’s a kiss ass really quickly.
Mr. Belding and Screech come in and ask Miss Bickle if they can make an announcement, and she says it must be important. No, Miss Bickle, you aren’t on this show enough to realize that nothing these two do on this show is important. In fact, I’m willing to bet they’re here because they forgot how to operate the intercom. And they prove me right as they go into a lecture on the dangers of alcohol and how they hope none of their students are planning on being in a very special episode about the dangers of drinking at the end of the semester. Fortunately, none of these consequences will occur in this episode, making it even stupider and giving Screech a chance to talk about doing the Macarena with his chicken or some shit. And, as they leave, it gives Screech the opportunity to scream mad ramblings about Valley students pulling pranks or some shit.
Are Mr. Belding and Screech going around to every class giving this lecture or are our six idiots the important ones since they’re in the credits?
Well, Mr. Belding and Screech used up the last bit of Miss Bickle’s class so the boys talk about how bad drinking and driving is but that it’s okay because they’re not going to drive, which sounds reasonable. Katie’s all, “WAH WAH WAH guys, underage drinking is illegal,” and Tony is all, “TONY GIVES NO SHITS ABOUT KATIE’S MORAL LECTURES.” The boys say they’ll get enough beer for everyone and we have a plot.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding discovers his old badminton trophy is missing. Screech decides this must be the work of Valley, but Mr. Belding is sensibly like, “What the fuck does Valley want with my badminton trophy?” Not one to be dissuaded from a stupid subplot by logic, Screech quickly convinces Mr. Belding of the truth of his ramblings through more stupid ramblings. Now thoroughly convinced because plot, Mr. Belding decides they have to nab the Valley students.
At The Max, Nicky reveals he couldn’t get any beer. And why couldn’t he get any beer, you ask?
Because Nicky doesn’t understand how fake IDs work and apparently got one with a picture of a middle-aged Filipino man. At least the show didn’t make the reason Nicky couldn’t get beer out to be that the fake ID is two years expired. Tony got beer because he already looks like he’s not in high school, except he was stupid and got non-alcoholic beer. Don’t worry, though, Maria and Liz flirted with a few guys and bought liquor so they’re all set for a nice moralizing lesson.
At the set for season five’s wilderness survival episodes (I guess they had to get their money’s worth out of that set since no one will ever see it again), everyone except Katie’s drinking up and singing shit. Eric finds out that Maria and Tony didn’t do so well on the history test and keeps rubbing it in the whole night.
Katie’s a blast at parties as she’s sitting around thinking about tests. Nicky’s all, “You need some beer,” and she’s all, “But I’m a wet blanket and don’t like beer.” No joking: everyone, including the extras, start chanting Katie’s name until she gives in and starts drinking because real friends pressure each other into doing things they don’t want to.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding and Screech make a plan to nab the non-existent Valley pranksters using Spice Girls dolls, because that reference isn’t dated or anything. Yeah, this is supposed to be a replica of Bayside’s full grounds.
Back at wilderness survival grounds, Katie’s drunk and telling Liz how much she sucks for being a suck-up to Miss Bickle because I guess Katie’s been holding in so much anger that it comes out while she’s drunk.
And, at Bayside, Screech throws a net over Mr. Belding so he has an excuse to tackle Mr. Belding.
And then he ties them up in a big net trap so they can be together all night and make out. Mr. Belding tells Screech how fucking stupid this is as, if there are Valley students pranking them, they have no way to get them back now.
And we’re immediately back to wilderness survival, where, as the rest of the mini-plots go on, Katie dances with one of the extras and makes out with him. Before he can confront her, though, sirens start blaring with police coming to break up the party off-screen. Yeah, no joke. We immediately go to commercial…
…and return the next day to find the gang at The Max. And, what’s worse, they’re all going to tell us what their off-screen consequences were:
- Tony hurt his throwing arm trying to get away. Don’t worry. There won’t be a Saved by the Bell: The New Class: The College Years where that will come in handy. You’re done and forgotten in a few episodes.
- Eric got arrested and his parents had to bail him out.
- Maria got arrested and Captain Lopez left her to rot in jail and shit.
- Liz vomits. Sexy.
That’s some great writing there, guys. As my English professor always said, tell, don’t show. Oh, wait, no he didn’t because that’s not the way you get viewers to give a shit about your show! This is like bad Saved by the Bell fan fiction written by a twelve-year old. What’s worse is the only revelations we’ve gotten on why alcohol is bad is because underage drinking is illegal, you might get sick, you might act like an asshole, and, if you’re a horrible actor like Tony, you might experience some hilarious pain. Like many other very special episodes this show has featured, I doubt this one is convincing anyone who’s not already a goody two shoes like Katie.
Speaking of Katie, she comes in and apologizes to the gang for being an asshole while drunk but especially apologizes to Nicky for doing the exact same thing to him that he did to her four seasons ago with Maria. He’s all, “Fuck you, slut!” and sends her off for shaming. The rest of the gang tell him that, if it hadn’t been for his ham-fisted attempts at peer pressure they all supported, she wouldn’t have drank, therefore her making out with another guy is his fault so he needs to immediately forgive her. He marches out of The Max to consider whether he’s ready to press the reset button, and Eric apologizes for being an asshole about the test and shit, because that little thread was so important.
In Mr. Belding’s office, we learn Screech chewed their way out of the net after three hours because we’re getting more evidence he’s not human. There’s a present on Mr. Belding’s desk, apparently from Mrs. Belding, who not only calls herself Mrs. Belding to her husband but had the badminton trophy reconditioned because we needed a stupid excuse for that subplot and Screech once again was an idiot, as if that surprises me at this point.
And, in Screech’s weekly attempt to kill Mr. Belding, he apparently hid a bear trap behind Mr. Belding’s desk, which he promptly sticks his foot in, ending this stupid subplot.
In the hallway, Nicky apologizes to Katie and Katie apologizes to Nicky and, though he claims he can’t get the picture of her kissing the other boy out of his head, he’s all, “We’ve only got a few episodes left. Let’s just press the reset button.” So they do, and they vow to never drink again, even when they go off to college, because that will make them a blast at college parties. They know it’s going to be hard as they remember when they got drunk in Paris last year, realizing that their sobriety is at the whim of the worst writers on television, and the episode ends with the realization for me that these fucking very special episodes just keep getting worse and worse.
T-minus four episodes remaining.