Why, no, no, I don’t, because, last time Bayside had a prom for a group of students deemed worthy to be followed around by cameras, it was fucking stupid. I’m sure it will be just as idiotic this time, but, if I’m to get through these last four episodes, I have to endure it anyway.
We open to find Eric singing creepily to random extras, presumably because Anthony Harrell’s finally cracking under the insanity of being in this stupid fucking show. Turns out he’s happy the characters are going to get to announce where they’re going to college, just in case NBC loses their mind and decide they want to try The College Years again. I have two questions: why is Eric just now getting his acceptance letter (and is it a legit university) and why are they doing this as if none of them have heard this in the clunkiest way possible. Writing, people! Writing!
In any case, our characters are going to:
- Eric: The Chicago Academy of Music, which does exist but doesn’t offer degrees and mostly teaches children, so good luck with that, Eric.
- Liz: Stanford. I guess she’s fulfilling Jessie’s dream.
- Tony: San Diego State. No, I refuse to believe a college would admit Tony.
- Katie and Nicky: Going to New York, university not specified so I have to assume they’re moving in with Nicky’s mom so Nicky can play video games all day while Katie raises their babies.
- Maria: UCLA.
Tony thinks Maria is going to be lonely so he assures her, “TONY ONLY BE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MARIA SO TONY STOP IN OFTEN FOR THE HANKY PANKEY!” Maria’s excited to be meeting new people and be rid of The New Class cast, though, and maybe she might even get a role in a shitty Denzel Washington movie!
We meet Liz’s date, who all but uses sex to get him to do whatever the hell she wants, which apparently involves climbing a mountain and getting her flowers because we’re portraying Liz as a greedy, selfish bastard this episode. Hoping to get into Liz’s pants before she goes Christian, the boy rushes off to find the flowers she wants.
Our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot this week is that Mr. Belding trusts Screech to sort his allergy medicine, which it’s Mr. Belding’s damn fault for whatever consequences occur as a result. If h’s going to leave the man who walked in and thought a bunch of pills were candy in charge of his medicine, he deserves whatever is coming. Mr. Belding leaves Screech to sort them out on his own…
…and Nicky and Katie, as co-chairs of the prom committee, walk in and distract Screech. Since Screech can’t even retain important instructions on a good day without high school students distracting him over the color of baloons, he mixes up the instructions. Rather than telling Mr. Belding, he lets him just swallow the pills and waits for whatever zaney antics are to come.
At The Max, Nicky and Katie freak out that the napkins and tablecloths nearly didn’t match and apparently would have cancelled prom had they not. Even the writers realize how stupid this is as Eric starts making fun of them, but Katie says their last prom has to be perfect and shit since some of their acting careers won’t make it past the end of the season.
Tony comes over and wants to be a wet blanket to Maria’s excitement over college and is all, “TONY AND MARIA NEVER LEAVE THE NEW CLASS! TONY AND MARIA BE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS FOREVER!” Eric senses something’s wrong by the over the top pouty expression on Maria’s face, and she confesses she doesn’t understand that Tony wants everything will be the same and wants to hold on to this show because it’s virtually all he’ll ever have: the final two seasons of one of the worst spin-offs ever.
Back at Bayside, Eric breaks the news to Liz that her date was injured trying to get her stupid flowers. Rather than be concerned the guy apparently almost died, Liz is more worried that she now doesn’t have a prom date and mad that her date didn’t call to tell her he almost died. Eric tells her not to worry for he’s the character with lots of siblings and he’s sure he can get one of them to go to prom with her.
Meanwhile, Tony gives Maria a calling card so they can call each other every night when they’re off at college. She tells Eric she can’t take much more of his bad acting smothering, but she says she can’t tell him he’s fucking stupid on their prom night and maybe she can just wait until the end of the series and then tell him. Eric reminds her that, since this is the plot of the episode, she’s probably going to need to tell him soon so she better get ready for it.
It’s time for prom at wherever the hell this is…
…and Katie thinks it’s perfect and beautiful and shit.
Unfortunately for Liz, the only one of Eric’s brothers available for this episode was his brother Warren, so she’s now dating a twelve year-old I guess. He immediately tries to start kissing her and drags her away for a humiliating night.
Tony gives Maria a bracelet to remind Maria of him when he’s long gone from acting, and she’s less than thrilled about the fake guilt trip he’s putting her through.
Nicky and Katie are horrified to discover their band was sent to Tijuana. Instead of taking advantage of the perfect opportunity to have a California Dreams reunion, they send in a stereotypical Mexican mariachi band because I knew something stupid was going to happen at this prom.
Oh, but not just one something stupids because Mr. Belding’s high and knocks food off the table so he can sleep. Screech randomly decides his job is to keep Mr. Belding from getting in trouble with the superintendent, Mr. Fenwick, because explaining you doped your boss may get you fired or some shit.
Fortunately, we have casual racism to fall back on so Screech dresses Mr. Belding up as a mariachi singer. Though Mr. Fenwick doesn’t recognize Mr. Belding at first, a few racist stereotypes are all it takes for Mr. Fenwick to finally recognize a man as the same man with a really bad mustache and racist costume.
Warren goes off to hit on Katie and Liz calls him a scuz bucket for hitting on another older girl when she made it pretty clear she didn’t like him. He runs off, tired of being a C-plot on a really horrible show and just biding his time until he can be in the movie adaptation of Holes with quality actors like Shia LaBeouf.
Oh, and Nicky gets punch spilled all over him and Tony feels the need to point it out to him. Tony’s a special kind of guy.
Maria and Eric go outside to talk about how much Tony sucks and, the fuck out of nowhere, they start making out. In about the millionth time this subplot has happened on this show, Tony comes out and finds them there and runs off to figure out how to emote what he’s feeling.
Liz finds Warren and apologizes for making him long for days of Shia LaBeouf and insists that, one day, he might even get laid. I swear, Warren’s a better actor than certain cast members on this show, and he’s like twelve. Why couldn’t he be a main character the last two seasons?
Maria finds Tony and Tony’s all, “ERIC EXPLAIN TO TONY THAT HANKEY PANKEY ON BALCONY JUST BAD WRITING AND TONY FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT MANURE!” Maria tells Tony they can’t just forget about that manure, though, and they need to talk so they can have a climax, and not of the good kind.
Mr. Fenwick demands an explanation of Mr. Belding’s condition and Screech finally admits to mixing up Mr. Belding’s pills because he apparently takes ecstasy for his allergies. This is the perfect chance for someone not Mr. Belding to fire Screech for his incompetence, but Mr. Fenwick, of course, has been fooled by Screech’s Siren song and can’t fire him. Instead, he turns this into a very special episode message about the dangers of taking the wrong dosage of prescriptions medicine, and, I swear, this may be the most shoehorned message of this series. In fact maybe, if Mr. Belding quits in like two episodes, Screech can be rewarded for his stupidity with a job he’s completely unqualified for!
On the balcony, Tony’s all, “TONY HAVE HORNY FEELINGS FOR MARIA AND WANT MARIA IN TONY’S LIFE!” Tony tells him fuck that shit, though, and she needs to break free of his bad acting grip. She breaks up with him and gives him his bracelet back so she never has to think about him again after graduation.
Inside, Nicky and Katie bemoan how stupid this night has been as Liz says Warren is off sleeping with Mr. Belding because that couldn’t be taken the wrong way.
And our episode ends with our main characters having their final dance to a bad mariachi slow dance song as Maria and Tony promise to be friends at least to the end of the series.
Good lord, that episode was one huge mess. It’s like they wanted an emotional episode with six underdeveloped characters so they had to throw something together to pretend we’ve ever given a shit about any of them.