If I’m completely honest, I’ve not been looking forward to this review. Hawaiian Style was a pain in the ass to review so I’ve been anxious about whether this one would be as well. Yet, it really is a finale for the original cast so I can’t well justify ignoring it. So, here we go, with our final outing by the full original cast.
And, naturally, our film about a wedding in Las Vegas opens…in the woods…
…with guys with weapons prowling around it…
…and surveillance staking out the enemy. You know, did Amazon send me the wrong film? Maybe this is some war film and I need to complain to get the right one sent to me. Hell, if that’s the case, maybe I should just review that film. Maybe it would be better than what I came to review.
No, that might be interesting. Instead, we’re watching Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech playing paintball, because that’s what I was expecting in this film. Yeah, they ambush some guys on the other team, eliminating their enemies, and then monologue about how this is their last weekend out before Zack Morris gets married. Slater’s back to his old characterization, too, as he doesn’t give a shit about Zack Morris ruining his life. Instead, he’s worried about Zack Morris not getting anymore vagina if he’s married to Kelly, but Zack Morris emphasizes that Kelly’s the girl he’s always wanted because fuck Stacey, Andrea, and Tori.
Just then, they’re ambushed by three more members of the opposite team because they suck at math. The other team doesn’t fire right away because plot, and this gives the boys an opportunity to create a diversion the best way they know how: argue, have Screech act like a moron, and then push him down so he can get a hold of a gun. They’re able to shoot their three ambushers, winning the game and ending our cold opening.
And we go into the credits in Las Vegas despite the fact our characters won’t be there for a little while because the producers want to assure you that this really is Wedding in Las Vegas.
While we’re watching the credits, I want to mention when this film takes place. Last week, Zack Morris was ready to immediately rush off to Vegas to get married. The New Class claimed that Screech was off to attend the wedding in the middle of season two, after he went to work at Bayside. Later in the film, we’ll find out Jessie skipped finals to be at the wedding. And it must be noted that Slater, Screech, Kelly, and Lisa all have dramatically different hair styles than last week.
So, when does this take place? Fuck if I know. I don’t think anyone involved in the production of this franchise knows either. In any case, it takes place sometime after the end of The College Years and Zack Morris decided to randomly stop off in Las Angeles before he got married.
And, take it in: we get, perhaps, the only full exterior shot of Bayside we’ll ever see as the boys randomly decide to stop there. They even put up a sign that said “Bayside High School” so you know the props department went all out. The boys brag about how horrible of students they were and then decide to get going before they have to meet the new versions of them that are now wondering the halls.
Slater drops Zack Morris off at his house, which looks suspiciously different than it did in the series (almost like they’re using a different set!) and Zack Morris has an uncomfortable dinner with Derek and Melanie. Derek continues his disapproval from last week’s episode over the upcoming nuptials, and says Zack Morris is a fucking dumb ass for getting married so young because money and success and shit. He says he refuses to be at the wedding, causing Zack Morris to go up to his room in disgust.
On a side note, I think this is the first time Derek and Melanie have actually shared a scene. Who knew that a husband and wife could manage to never see each other. I have to give it to the producers, though: they got the original actors for Derek and Melanie back. They even brought back the same actor who played Frank Kapowski in season one even though these are the types of details that only someone as anal about shit as me would notice. Kudos on attention to some semblance of detail.
Melanie follows Zack Morris upstairs and tells him that, though she thinks he’s too young to get married, she supports whatever choice he makes, though she can’t attend his wedding because Derek has put his foot down and everyone knows the woman can’t cross the men because of outdated gender norms.
Melanie gives Zack Morris a concession prize of two vouchers for free rooms at the Stardust she won during poker night at church, and they hug with her wishing he was still a little boy and Zack Morris thinking how much of a better father Peter Morris was.
The next days, the rest of the original gang sans Jessie comes to pick up Zack Morris. Seems they’ll be travelling in separate cars in order to better facilitate the shenanigans that are to follow. The girls will be in Lisa’s convertible while the boys will be in Slater’s SUV he suddenly has even though he had to borrow Mike’s car to drive home for Thanksgiving just a few weeks ago. But who the hell cares about consistency? This is Saved by the Bell after all!
So you know what I’ve been thinking Saved by the Bell has been missing all these years?
Scenes of driving of course! We get to see the gang travel out of Las Angeles because that’s exciting shit! The girls soon fall behind the boys and, when Zack Morris calls Lisa on her mobile phone to talk shit, they make a bet that whoever gets to Vegas first will have the loser buy them dinner.
Now, of course, if they just made it to Vegas immediately and got married, this would be a very short film. So, in addition to scenes of driving, we need some conflict…
…which starts when Lisa’s car randomly breaks down on the side of the desert and the car phone is out of range. Kelly wonders if the boys will be worrying about them.
The boys have problems of their own, though, as Zack Morris randomly took the driver’s seat from the last scene and decided to take a shortcut which, in sitcom cliches, means they’re going to hit trouble. He gets pulled over for speeding by Sheriff Myron Thorpe, who I’m pretty sure is supposed to be a corrupt back country cop, but really just comes off as congested and easily annoyed. I mean, hell, Screech isn’t half as annoying in this scene as we all know he can be but he still acts like a jack ass anyway.
So, the sheriff tells Zack Morris that nobody speeds in his county and gets away with it, except for all those people who probably speed in his county and get away with it…
…which seems like the perfect line to go to a commercial break with a shot of a rattlesnake that will have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the film. I wonder if it’s the same rattlesnake from that season two ranch episode of The New Class? If so, I bet this poor snake is wishing they’d quit randomly inserting her in this franchise.
We come back from break with Zack Morris still dealing with Sheriff Thorpe. Turns out Slater has lost his registration so Sheriff Thorpe has to run their plates because he wouldn’t do that otherwise? I’m pretty sure this isn’t how a real traffic stop works…
The sheriff comes back and arrests our male protagonists, saying the car’s been reported stolen. Yeah, they finally get arrested for something in this franchise and it’s actually something they don’t deserve jail for.
Kelly and Lisa continue hoping for the boys to come by and help when help arrives…
…in the form of a random guy walking up through the desert. Meet Curt Martin, who says he’s a teacher at an Indian reservation nearby…in the desert. While Lisa is suspicious of him, Kelly believes he’s their salvation, and he turns out to be half competent. He quickly assesses that the fan belt broke and overheated the radiator, so he MacGyvers Lisa’s belt into a replacement fan belt and gets the car running. He also hitches a ride with them to Vegas, saying he was about to hitchhike out there when he found them since he works at a hotel part of the year to make ends meet. Though Lisa wants nothing to do with him, Kelly, ever the naive optimist about human nature, brings him along.
And we get plenty of bantor between Lisa acting as the stuck up rich girl and Curt acting as a hippy type. Oh, casual classism, it’s about time you found your way back into this franchise!
At the police station, the boys are allowed to randomly stand around and annoy a deputy while the sheriff does other stuff because it’s common to keep possible felons out in the middle of the station. Oh, and the deputy’s last name is “Dano” because that will give them the opportunity to say, “Book ’em, Dano!” and everyone knows a Hawaii Five-O reference is almost as good as an actual joke.
…and…oh, god…I’m pretty sure in the pre-digital age that this sheriff department wouldn’t randomly waste a bunch of photographs on Screech acting like a dumb ass and not seeming to understand that he’s potentially being charged with a felony. God, how did he not die at some point out of pure dumb assery?
Sheriff Thorpe tells them that the car really has been reported stolen and they fit the descriptions of the perpetrators. As such, he’s going to put them in jail. God, this better all pay off for something that actually makes sense.
Yeah, Screech is actually awe-struck to be in jail. They’re also sharing their cell with one of the ZZ Top looking guys who used to be on Home Improvement and a guy who apparently killed his wife and stuck her in the trunk of his car. I could be wrong, but I think this is the first time that real life has inserted itself into this franchise. It’s like Criminal Minds meets Saved by the Bell. At least one of the CSI techs will be around in a bit to help them out with this.
Kelly and Lisa arrive in Vegas. Curt departs, saying he hopes he’ll be of some help to the plot later in the episode. They go to check in but find out that the boys haven’t arrived yet. In that short period of time, Curt has put on a hotel uniform and revealed himself as a bellboy. This will be a running theme of this film: being able to quickly change your clothes to accommodate the plot.
Also, Lisa starts showing one reason she’s in this film: to put doubt in Kelly’s mind that Zack Morris actually wants to marry her, because she’s just a shitty friend like that. She suggests maybe Zack Morris has cold feet, but Kelly assures her that Zack Morris is completely different than the sociopath she met five years ago.
Meanwhile, in jail, Screech annoys everyone but ZZ Top and crazy murderer wants to dance with the boys so we have an excuse to have a gay panic joke.
The sheriff comes and says he got the word from Sacramento that really was Slater’s car, but he’s still not releasing them because they have to appear in court for the speeding violation because that’s the way speeding tickets work. Sheriff Thorpe reveals he’s a corrupt cop after all and Screech, being a complete dumb ass, just blurts out how much money Zack Morris has. He gives Sheriff Thorpe all his money but $40 and the sheriff allows them to go on their way as Screech and ZZ Top exchange phone numbers so they can hook up later.
Yeah, it’s never really clear what all this was about but it’s implied the whole stolen car thing was just bull shit to allow a small country sheriff to blackmail people from out of town into giving him money. As such, it’s not entirely clear why Zack Morris chooses to handle the events that follow as he does since none of this is his fault and he surely has a case against this department. Also, apparently Slater never thought to just call his father because we don’t want an obvious solution to a stupid situation.
Back in Vegas, the girls marvel over the Considine Diamond, a completely fake jewel that convienently lists its market value for anyone wishing to steal it. Yeah, I’m sure this random insertion won’t play any other role in the film.
In any case, Kelly and Lisa decide they’re tired of waiting for the boys nnd they need to burn some screen time, so they decide to burn some run time by having Lisa give Kelly her wedding present…
…a nice little two minute montage featuring manicures, pedicures, massages, and saunas, because THIS is what you want to show and not just recap later. This franchise needs to go back and take a basic creative writing course.
Meanwhile, the boys arrive in Vegas without further incident. Zack Morris decides that, after being illegally detained and having to pay a bribe to a corrupt sheriff, the best course is to not tell Kelly and Lisa about any of this because we need to create pointless conflict in this film. Naturally, Screech almost blows it right away because he’s a complete moron.
Slater gets the romantic subplot of this film, though, as he spots one of the girls from CSI, no doubt investigating a murder. She smiles at him, which is practically a signal to fuck on top of the slot machines.
Slater decides the best way to get Zack Morris’s money back and waste some more time is to randomly caddy at a golf course because complete amateurs are always allowed to just drop in and make money.
Of course, they caddy for a bunch of assholes, including one who makes Slater go into the water trap to retrieve balls…
…and another who wants Zack Morris to help him cheat.
Screech’s might be the most sane, but he’ll soon be insane by Screech’s usual stupidity, including making as much noise as possible during tee off.
Eventually, Slater’s player runs out of balls and sends Slater to the pro shop to buy some more. There, he sees the CSI, who’s no doubt there undercover waiting to jump on a perp. No, actually, her name is Carla and she’s the manager of the pro shop and, though she seems nice enough, she gives Slater the cold shoulder on a date because we need to waste some more time before they eventually get together. Is it just me, or are they basically copying and pasting the Zack Morris/Andrea romance from Hawaiian Style?
While Slater’s at the pro shop, Zack Morris and Screech manage to crash two golf carts loaded with clubs into the water trap, angering the players, who say they’re completely incompetent, despite the fact Zack Morris was helping the guy cheat like he wanted. They fire the duo as well as Slater despite the fact he wasn’t even there because why the hell not, and we’ll not see the golf course the rest of the episode. That was a nice waste of time, wasn’t it?
So, with that important plot out of the way, it’s time for a pool montage so we can get lots of shirtless and bikini shots of our cast because that’s why people are really watching this film. The only relevant thing we find out here is that Zack Morris is supposed to meet Kelly at the wedding planner’s office the next morning.
For some reason, Carla’s hanging out at the Stardust pool because it makes complete sense to have a local using a resort’s facilities. Despite her hesitation to have anything more to do with this film, Slater convinces Carla to go on a date with him that night.
Of course, something has to be up with Carla so we see two random goons watching her because conflict.
Meanwhile, Zack Morris recaps the fact they’ve lost their money to Screech and Gilbert Gottfried overhears . Oh, yes, if there was something I’ve always thought Saved by the Bell needs, it’s an appearance by the man with the most annoying voice in the world. And, yeah, like every movie he’s in, Gilbert Gottfried is here to play the role of the shifty plot device who’s going to bring in some more conflict. In the case of this film, he’s here to convince Zack Morris and Screech to become…male escorts…
Jesus fucking Christ! Who thought this was a good idea for a subplot? Zack Morris is giving Kelly ample reason to distrust him.
Though they’re initially hesitant to take the gig, Gilbert Gottfried tells Zack Morris and Screech how much male escorting pays and they instantly agree to sell their bodies to needy older women. And, if The New Class‘s timeline for this film is correct, Screech is also cheating since he was dating Alison at this point. How lovely. They’re both pieces of crap!
At the wedding planner’s office, Kelly and Lisa marvel over dresses that are too expensive even if Zack Morris hadn’t lost all his money to a corrupt cop. Of course, Zack Morris is a no show and Lisa continues serving her purpose of planting doubt in Kelly’s mind about whether Zack Morris really wants to get married Of course, Kelly is one hundred percent confident in Zack Morris for the time being because the plot demands it.
And what important task is Zack Morris learning? Why, cliche “walking with a book on your head” shit of course because we need more Gilbert Gottfried apparently. Yes, our idiots are getting training in being male escorts, which I’m sure will include a bedroom training between Zack Morris and Screech. The training done, Zack Morris gets his first assignment: meet a woman at the revolving restaurant on the top floor of the strip, and he rushes off to meet Kelly.
He arrives at the wedding planner and assures Kelly nothing’s wrong despite the fact they’ve never had an adventure in five years that didn’t involve something going wrong. She tells him she made dinner reservations at the top of the strip, and, of course, it’s the same time as his escorting gig because this film isn’t finished exploiting cliches yet.
That night, Screech is manhandled into a pink limousine for his assignment.
Meanwhile, Lisa encounters Curt, and her hostility for him is really forced at this point. I get being suspicious of a shirtless guy coming out of the desert, but he’s a hotel employee talking to you. Are we really to believe that Lisa is this classist? Curt randomly asks Lisa on a date to a steak buffet and she accepts because that plot just came the fuck out of nowhere. If anything, I thought Curt was going to cause conflict between Zack Morris and Kelly, but I guess we can’t imply Kelly would ever question her complete devotion to Zack Morris.
Screech’s date definitely wants to touch Screech’s winkey dink, and this seems to gross him out since he was hoping Violet or Alison would be the first to do that. I still find it unbelievable that any woman would find Screech attractive, even a woman obviously this desperate for the touch of a man, or some semblance of one. I feel sorry for a woman willing to pay good money for him.
She does what most sex-deprived women do: take a complete idiot who agreed to escort for Gilbert Gottfried to tango. Of course, I have questions about who would hire Gilbert Gottfried to get them an escort in the first place, but I would sure ask for my money back.
It’s time for dinner and we get the tired cliche that’s been done in so many films and television shows it’s completely obvious how it will end: Zack Morris arrives at the restaurant with Kelly and tries to keep his escorting date at the same time.
He sneaks away to meet his other date, a Russian woman who speaks very little English, but just enough to create a misunderstanding that Zack Morris wants to marry her, because why the hell not? Of course, fulfilling the cliche, Kelly comes over and catches them, and she says that she should have listened to Lisa this whole time and realized Zack Morris is a piece of shit. Actually, if you were really paying attention, Kelly, you would have realized that way back in season one of the original series. She runs off, realizing what most of us have known for years.
Also, we keep hearing that this is the most expensive restaurant in Vegas, but Zack Morris only has $40, some of which he used to buy Lisa dinner earlier. How, exactly, was he planning on affording dinner for Kelly and how is he eating at all?
To save money on sets and, despite the fact the two restaurant plots don’t intersect at all, Slater and Carla eat at the same restaurant and share their backgrounds, with Slater insisting he didn’t have girlfriends overseas despite the fact this was a plot point for an episode of the series. Carla won’t talk much about herself, though, and says she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Back at the restaurant, Carla’s ex-boyfriend, Freddie Silver, shows up to create some conflict for our final half hour. When he won’t leave Carla, Slater punches him out. Carla tells Slater to run, and the two goons from the swimming pool come in and chase Slater and Carla out of the restaurant. Turns out they’re working for Freddie Silver, whoever the hell he is since the film has done absolutely no foreshadowing to get us to this point so let’s just role with it. They run through the restaurant and the casino to eventually arrive back in the boys’ room.
Zack Morris, meanwhile, decides the best way to resolve his current subplot is to climb out on the balcony and try to make it to the girls’ room without falling to his death, which will mean breaking an entering into someone’s room who doesn’t want to see you right now but, hey, who the hell cares about making Zack Morris look any more like a jack ass at this point.
Back in the boys’ room, Carla tells Slater that Freddie Silver is a “bad man with bad connections.” Yeah, that explains everything! She says she broke up with Freddie when she realized but he’s a dangerous man, which is why they have to get out of the room when the goons manage to track them to a specific room thirty seconds later. Yeah, that’s believable.
Slater gets the same idea: for Carla and him to climb into the girls’ room, and he discovers Zack Morris about to fall to his death. Slater climbs over and helps Zack Morris and then pulls Carla over. In the process, Zack Morris tells Kelly he whole story. She instantly forgives him because that’s what the plot needs right now and we wouldn’t want her to question too much why Zack Morris is such a socipath.
In the room, Kelly tells Zack Morris she doesn’t care about any of the shit he has been the entire episode and they can just get married in a small chapel for all she cares, thus rendering most of what’s happened before completely pointless.
Carla reveals there’s more to Freddie than wanting to murder Slater. See, he came to Vegas just to steal the Considine Diamond because stealing expensive jewels from a low security area like we saw earlier is a plausible get rich quick scheme. Lisa says she thinks she has a way to get them out of this…
…and she has Curt sneak Slater and Carla past the goons on a luggage cart while someone gets Slater’s SUV so we can get another character involved in this whole thing. Of course, our resident dumb ass pulls up at exactly that time so he can show why he wasn’t in this scene, other than to show a really desperate woman trying to molest him: so he can turn the luggage cart around and the goons see it.
The boys and Carla rush off in Slater’s SUV while the goons steal a taxi to chase after them, which I’m sure won’t bring unwanted attention to potential diamond thieves. After all, grand theft auto is no big deal in the Saved by the Bell universe unless it directly affects the plot, like earlier in this film . The girls and Curt follow not far behind in Lisa’s car just because we need everyone involved in this shit.
What follows is a three way car chase where no one acts with any sense, driving erratically through the streets on the night the police must have taken off. They all hit a red light, leading to a foot pursuit after the boys and the goons randomly abandon their cars in the middle of the street because no one cares about anything in Vegas. And, no, we’ll ever actually find out what happened to the cars.
So the boys and Carla randomly break into a wax museum during the foot chase. The goons are really bad at this chase thing, though, as they are far enough behind that the boys and Carla have the opportunity to change into random costumes that just happened to be laying around, including Zack Morris reprising his casually racist Arab getup from season one of the original series. The goons run out of the museum, not having found our heroes, and the four believe they’ve escaped, even after looking directly at them and not being able to recognize faces like most people in this franchise.
A random man threatens to call the police unless our heroes get the fuck out of there because he apparently hasn’t heard this is the day the police station is closed. Zack Morris asks Carla the obvious: why didn’t she call the police and tell them what she knows about Freddie Silver. She responds that she’s been followed constantly and hasn’t been able to. Um, we saw you in the pro shop earlier and the only one there was Slater. Even if the goons were outside and out of sight, you could have called the police and asked them to come down. I seriously doubt the goons would have made a move on you with cops there, and the police could have protected you. But that would have rendered all this pointless and we can’t have that.
The boys and Carla casually walk down the sidewalk, apparently having forgotten the goons were onto them only moments ago. Naturally, our duo walk right past them and the chase is on again and, god, can someone just die and get it over with? This fucking chase is taking way too long!
The girls and Curt spot the others and stop their car in the middle of the road to join the chase because why the hell not at this point! The chase leads into a casino, where they’re soon spotted after Screech doesn’t understand that hiding under a table involves not letting people know that you’re there. And, yay, more thrilling chase as they go backstage at some scantily clad show, which gives Zack Morris an idea…
…dress the four of them up as scantily clad women! Unfortunately, since the plot demands it, the goons can now recognize faces in costume. The girls and Curt go backstage to try and get the rest out and yeah, a guy backstage calls security, but the goons show them credentials and say they’re security. I don’t understand who these people are supposed to be! But, yeah, they pull out guns and take our seven bumbling idiots hostage, finally putting an end to this whole stupid chase thing that was making me want to go to sleep.
They just happen to be in the hotel Freddie Silver is staying at so the goons take them upstairs, apparently no one in the hotel caring that there’s two guys brazenly walking around with guns drawn. They’re ready to kill our seven protagonists when Curt offers to help them steal the Consadine Diamond if Freddie lets the rest of them go. See, Curt’s father owns the Stardust, a point not even slightly hinted at throughout the rest of the film, and he says he can get Freddie in to steal the diamond.
Lisa wonders why Curt wouldn’t tel her that so she could stop treating him like shit and he’s all, “Insert cliche about not caring about wealth here.” In any case, Freddie takes Curt up on his offer but says he won’t let the rest go until he has the diamond.
Curt dresses as a security guard and opens the safe successfully while Screech prattles on about being Janet Reno’s nephew. Hey, it’s about as believable as him being Jim Harbaugh’s cousin. Freddie sends his goons in to steal everything in the safe.
But, now, we see the only reason for the paintball shit in the cold opening. The boys do the stupid routine again that fooled their opponents earlier, punch out Freddie Silver, and lock his goons in the safe. Lisa says she can’t believe that worked again and I wonder how she knows it worked in the first place. Did they give her a whole thrilling recap of the paintball game?
Well, the police are working again so Curt calls for security as Zack Morris and Kelly make out to how sexy it was they got to do one more unrealistic thing in this franchise before they get married.
Everyone makes their way to a cheap wedding chapel, ready for Zack Morris and Kelly to get married. And you can tell it’s cheap because there’s a husband and wife Elvis impersonator team, a pregnant woman, old people, and someone who looks suspiciously like Tori, all waiting to be married.
And the writers decided we needed one more Gilbert Gottfried appearance, so here he is as an officiant, ready to marry our duo with his grating voice that kills ear drums.
But it’s not meant to be because Derek and Melanie burst into the chapel and object! See, Slater called Derek off camera and convinced Derek he needed to support Zack Morris. Yeah, we could show ten minute chases and pedicure montages but we couldn’t show Derek Morris going through the only character development he’s received in any of his appearances in this franchise. He says that he’s decided it’s Zack Morris’s life and, if they want to get married, they’re not going to let Gilbert Gottfried be the officiant so they say give them the next scene and they’ll have a super great wedding!
And, right on time, the wedding is on! Kelly’s parents are even there, apparently also getting over their objections from last week’s episode of The College Years. Apparently Zack Morris also gets two groomsmen, which begs the question why Kelly couldn’t have all three girls standing with her and why last week’s subplot was necessary at all.
We cut to our assembled “former cast members who have no more time than a scene for this stupid movie” and they all brag about how they know Zack Morris and Kelly. Uh, guys, you all know each other. Remember? Mr. Belding randomly showed up at Thanksgiving with food. Or were Mike and Alex busy making out with Marsha Warfield?
Leslie is conspicuously absent. I guess she stopped caring about the wedding when The College Years was cancelled and she found out she didn’t have a job anymore.
Also, Mr. Belding claims Zack Morris and Kelly met in his school. Unless Kelly moved with them from Indianapolis, this conflicts with so much that’s been established about when Kelly became a part of the gang. But we’re ten minutes from the end of the original class, so who the hell cares about continuity at this point.
But it’s not a wedding without Jessie randomly running in and interrupting shit because she didn’t have the decency to call and say she was coming, even color coordinating with Lisa, which is quite a task for someone they didn’t know was coming. Naturally, she gets to stand with Lisa as a bride’s maid, which really calls into question the point of last week’s subplot. Also, we find out she skipped finals to be at the wedding and will just take summer school to make it up. Um, Jessie, college doesn’t work that way. You know most colleges only allow you to repeat a certain number of classes and they’re not always offered every semester? Methinks this is the real reason Jessie had to stay in Vegas and be a stripper.
So, to pad out some time, we get a nice montage of clips of Zack Morris and Kelly over the years to remind us that, yes, they really are in love and not just in a horrible codependent relationship that will end horribly. Absent are references to Kelly cheating on Zack Morris with the captain of the starship Enterprise or the many times Zack Morris treated Kelly like shit. But, hey, this is supposed to be a fairy tale wedding the tweens will remember and gush over well into their thirties, so we have to make it perfect. But they do creepily remind us that Zack Morris had a cardboard cutout of Kelly that descended from his bedroom ceiling.
And so the wedding goes on with only a mild interruption from Screech acting like a dumb ass, and, though Kelly has one more opportunity to pull out of this shit before it’s too late, she doesn’t, and she’s now Mrs. Zack Morris. And all this just to keep Kelly from going on the semester at sea program, in case you forgot the stupid ass reason that got us to this point to begin with.
At the reception, it’s time for our cameos to get individual screen time with Zack Morris and Kelly. Alex hopes they won’t forget her crazy ass now that they won’t be living in the suite.
Mike gives Zack Morris a big bear hug, sad his acting career is now basically over, and says that he wished he’d had the opportunity to figure out who the hell the writers wanted him to be.
Mr. Belding says he wouldn’t have missed the opportunity to throw his professional boundaries to the wind one more time and that they were very special to him, unlike the dumb asses walking the halls of Bayside now. He tells them to not forget to visit in case a rich alumnus who loves one of Zack Morris’s relatives who just happens not to be at the wedding tries to randomly shut down the school .
Jessie tells Zack Morris he better take care of Kelly or she’ll come back and kick his ass if she doesn’t kill her acting career with a horrible movie.
Zack Morris thanks everyone who appeared in this film despite the fact it was destined to be incomprehensible to anyone who wasn’t already a fan of this franchise, and they invite everyone to their new apartment.
After Slater toasts them, Kelly’s family comes in to earn their paychecks and tell Kelly they’re proud of her. Two of her brothers are there as well, the littler of the two I assume is the one the gang once babysat. Absent are her sister since she was spurned by Zack Morris, and the brother who’s a big football star at Bayside.
Derek tells Zack Morris he has a lot of faith in Zack Morris that, since he’s conned his way this far in life, he’ll continue to do so and make it despite the odds.
Outside the Stardust, it’s time for everyone to go their separate ways, and Lisa prepares to go back to the reservation with Curt because now that she knows he’s rich, she wants him badly. And, if they end up together, it makes Screech’s stalking of Lisa well into their twenties all the more creepy.
Screech gives them a teary goodbye. Zack Morris and Kelly they ll him they’re sure they’ll see a lot of him, but he tells them, no, he’s going to randomly take a position at Bayside that means he’ll only be back at Cal U to randomly bring some students there.
Slater and Carla leave together, with Carla apologizing that her subplot padded the running time of this episode to keep the event people tuned in to see from happening too soon, and Kelly says that’s okay because Carla will one day be on a much better show that also takes place in Vegas.
Kelly throws the bouquet and, in one final cliche, Screech catches it, just as his desperate client finds him again and begs him to give her his sweet man chowder.
And our film and the era of the original cast ends with the Stardust congratulating Zack Morris and Kelly on making a stupid mistake that the writers only went through with as a stupid gimmick to end this part of the franchise on a ratings high point.
Final thoughts on this film? It is what it is. Though Hang Time will later refer to it as a cult film, it’s hardly anything but an attempt to give fans closure on the cliffhanger from the last episode of The College Years. As I’ve said before, it’s so apparent that this wasn’t going to be how the season two premiere of The College Years was going to go so it’s kind of painful to just see them unquestioningly move towards a marriage based on Zack Morris’s sociopathy.
This film was never going to have wide appeal. It knows its audience: people who invested five years of their life into finding out if Zack Morris and Kelly would get together. There’s so much padding in this it’s painful, and I counted eleven interwoven subplots, which was way too many for this film. There’s also something very unsatisfying about the titular wedding, as if it’s an after though being thrown in at the end.
With that being said, I think I slightly favor this film over Hawaiian Style. It at least has a point, and its events will be referenced later in the franchise, unlike the other film. To top it off, it was a good idea to bring Jeff Melman back to direct this. Melman directed almost all the episodes of The College Years, so his involvement does at least give the film a consistent feel.
As Slater says, it’s the end of an era. It’s time to move on.
And that, my friends, is it for the original cast, as hard as that is to believe. I’ll have bonus posts next week on Wednesday and Thursday. Next Friday, tune in for one final overarching recap on the original cast era, where I’ll share my final thoughts on the era spanning Good Morning Miss Bliss, the original series, The College Years, and both films.