Category Archives: Movies

Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas

If I’m completely honest, I’ve not been looking forward to this review. Hawaiian Style was a pain in the ass to review so I’ve been anxious about whether this one would be as well. Yet, it really is a finale for the original cast so I can’t well justify ignoring it. So, here we go, with our final outing by the full original cast.

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And, naturally, our film about a wedding in Las Vegas opens…in the woods…

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…with guys with weapons prowling around it…

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…and surveillance staking out the enemy. You know, did Amazon send me the wrong film? Maybe this is some war film and I need to complain to get the right one sent to me. Hell, if that’s the case, maybe I should just review that film. Maybe it would be better than what I came to review.

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No, that might be interesting. Instead, we’re watching Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech playing paintball, because that’s what I was expecting in this film. Yeah, they ambush some guys on the other team, eliminating their enemies, and then monologue about how this is their last weekend out before Zack Morris gets married. Slater’s back to his old characterization, too, as he doesn’t give a shit about Zack Morris ruining his life. Instead, he’s worried about Zack Morris not getting anymore vagina if he’s married to Kelly, but Zack Morris emphasizes that Kelly’s the girl he’s always wanted because fuck Stacey, Andrea, and Tori.

Just then, they’re ambushed by three more members of the opposite team because they suck at math. The other team doesn’t fire right away because plot, and this gives the boys an opportunity to create a diversion the best way they know how: argue, have Screech act like a moron, and then push him down so he can get a hold of a gun. They’re able to shoot their three ambushers, winning the game and ending our cold opening.

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And we go into the credits in Las Vegas despite the fact our characters won’t be there for a little while because the producers want to assure you that this really is Wedding in Las Vegas.

While we’re watching the credits, I want to mention when this  film takes place. Last week, Zack Morris was ready to immediately rush off to Vegas to get married. The New Class claimed that Screech was off to attend the wedding in the middle of season two, after he went to work at Bayside. Later in the film, we’ll find out Jessie skipped finals to be at the wedding. And it must be noted that Slater, Screech, Kelly, and Lisa all have dramatically different hair styles than last week.

So, when does this take place? Fuck if I know. I don’t think anyone involved in the production of this franchise knows either. In any case, it takes place sometime after the end of The College Years and Zack Morris decided to randomly stop off in Las Angeles before he got married.

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And, take it in: we get, perhaps, the only full exterior shot of Bayside we’ll ever see as the boys randomly decide to stop there. They even put up a sign that said “Bayside High School” so you know the props department went all out. The boys brag about how horrible of students they were and then decide to get going before they have to meet the new versions of them that are now wondering the halls.

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Slater drops Zack Morris off at his house, which looks suspiciously different than it did in the series (almost like they’re using a different set!) and Zack Morris has an uncomfortable dinner with Derek and Melanie. Derek continues his disapproval from last week’s episode over the upcoming nuptials, and says Zack Morris is a fucking dumb ass for getting married so young because money and success and shit. He says he refuses to be at the wedding, causing Zack Morris to go up to his room in disgust.

On a side note, I think this is the first time Derek and Melanie have actually shared a scene. Who knew that a husband and wife could manage to never see each other. I have to give it to the producers, though: they got the original actors for Derek and Melanie back. They even brought back the same actor who played Frank Kapowski in season one even though these are the types of details that only someone as anal about shit as me would notice. Kudos on attention to some semblance of detail.

Melanie follows Zack Morris upstairs and tells him that, though she thinks he’s too young to get married, she supports whatever choice he makes, though she can’t attend his wedding because Derek has put his foot down and everyone knows the woman can’t cross the men because of outdated gender norms.

Melanie gives Zack Morris a concession prize of two vouchers for free rooms at the Stardust she won during poker night at church, and they hug with her wishing he was still a little boy and Zack Morris thinking how much of a better father Peter Morris was.

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The next days, the rest of the original gang sans Jessie comes to pick up Zack Morris. Seems they’ll be travelling in separate cars in order to better facilitate the shenanigans that are to follow. The girls will be in Lisa’s convertible while the boys will be in Slater’s SUV he suddenly has even though he had to borrow Mike’s car to drive home for Thanksgiving just a few weeks ago. But who the hell cares about consistency? This is Saved by the Bell after all!

So you know what I’ve been thinking Saved by the Bell has been missing all these years?

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Scenes of driving of course! We get to see the gang travel out of Las Angeles because that’s exciting shit! The girls soon fall behind the boys and, when Zack Morris calls Lisa on her mobile phone to talk shit, they make a bet that whoever gets to Vegas first will have the loser buy them dinner.

Now, of course, if they just made it to Vegas immediately and got married, this would be a very short film. So, in addition to scenes of driving, we need some conflict…

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…which starts when Lisa’s car randomly breaks down on the side of the desert and the car phone is out of range. Kelly wonders if the boys will be worrying about them.

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The boys have problems of their own, though, as Zack Morris randomly took the driver’s seat from the last scene and decided to take a shortcut which, in sitcom cliches, means they’re going to hit trouble. He gets pulled over for speeding by Sheriff Myron Thorpe, who I’m pretty sure is supposed to be a corrupt back country cop, but really just comes off as congested and easily annoyed. I mean, hell, Screech isn’t half as annoying in this scene as we all know he can be but he still acts like a jack ass anyway.

So, the sheriff tells Zack Morris that nobody speeds in his county and gets away with it, except for all those people who probably speed in his county and get away with it…

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…which seems like the perfect line to go to a commercial break with a shot of a rattlesnake that will have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the film. I wonder if it’s the same rattlesnake from that season two ranch episode of The New Class? If so, I bet this poor snake is wishing they’d quit randomly inserting her in this franchise.

We come back from break with Zack Morris still dealing with Sheriff Thorpe. Turns out Slater has lost his registration so Sheriff Thorpe has to run their plates because he wouldn’t do that otherwise? I’m pretty sure this isn’t how a real traffic stop works…

The sheriff comes back and arrests our male protagonists, saying the car’s been reported stolen. Yeah, they finally get arrested for something in this franchise and it’s actually something they don’t deserve jail for.

Kelly and Lisa continue hoping for the boys to come by and help when help arrives…

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…in the form of a random guy walking up through the desert. Meet Curt Martin, who says he’s a teacher at an Indian reservation nearby…in the desert. While Lisa is suspicious of him, Kelly believes he’s their salvation, and he turns out to be half competent. He quickly assesses that the fan belt broke and overheated the radiator, so he MacGyvers Lisa’s belt into a replacement fan belt and gets the car running. He also hitches a ride with them to Vegas, saying he was about to hitchhike out there when he found them since he works at a hotel part of the year to make ends meet. Though Lisa wants nothing to do with him, Kelly, ever the naive optimist about human nature, brings him along.

And we get plenty of bantor between Lisa acting as the stuck up rich girl and Curt acting as a hippy type. Oh, casual classism, it’s about time you found your way back into this franchise!

At the police station, the boys are allowed to randomly stand around and annoy a deputy while the sheriff does other stuff because it’s common to keep possible felons out in the middle of the station. Oh, and the deputy’s last name is “Dano” because that will give them the opportunity to say, “Book ’em, Dano!” and everyone knows a Hawaii Five-O reference is almost as good as an actual joke.

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So we get to see the boys getting their mug shots, starting with Zack Morris…

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…and Slater…

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…and…oh, god…I’m pretty sure in the pre-digital age that this sheriff department wouldn’t randomly waste a bunch of photographs on Screech acting like a dumb ass and not seeming to understand that he’s potentially being charged with a felony. God, how did he not die at some point out of pure dumb assery?

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Sheriff Thorpe tells them that the car really has been reported stolen and they fit the descriptions of the perpetrators. As such, he’s going to put them in jail. God, this better all pay off for something that actually makes sense.

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Yeah, Screech is actually awe-struck to be in jail. They’re also sharing their cell with one of the ZZ Top looking guys who used to be on Home Improvement and a guy who apparently killed his wife and stuck her in the trunk of his car. I could be wrong, but I think this is the first time that real life has inserted itself into this franchise. It’s like Criminal Minds meets Saved by the Bell. At least one of the CSI techs will be around in a bit to help them out with this.

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Kelly and Lisa arrive in Vegas. Curt departs, saying he hopes he’ll be of some help to the plot later in the episode. They go to check in but find out that the boys haven’t arrived yet. In that short period of time, Curt has put on a hotel uniform and revealed himself as a bellboy. This will be a running theme of this film: being able to quickly change your clothes to accommodate the plot.

Also, Lisa starts showing one reason she’s in this film: to put doubt in Kelly’s mind that Zack Morris actually wants to marry her, because she’s just a shitty friend like that. She suggests maybe Zack Morris has cold feet, but Kelly assures her that Zack Morris is completely different than the sociopath she met five years ago.

Meanwhile, in jail, Screech annoys everyone but ZZ Top and crazy murderer wants to dance with the boys so we have an excuse to have a gay panic joke.

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The sheriff comes and says he got the word from Sacramento that really was Slater’s car, but he’s still not releasing them because they have to appear in court for the speeding violation because that’s the way speeding tickets work. Sheriff Thorpe reveals he’s a corrupt cop after all and Screech, being a complete dumb ass, just blurts out how much money Zack Morris has. He gives Sheriff Thorpe all his money but $40 and the sheriff allows them to go on their way as Screech and ZZ Top exchange phone numbers so they can hook up later.

Yeah, it’s never really clear what all this was about but it’s implied the whole stolen car thing was just bull shit to allow a small country sheriff to blackmail people from out of town into giving him money. As such, it’s not entirely clear why Zack Morris chooses to handle the events that follow as he does since none of this is his fault and he surely has a case against this department. Also, apparently Slater never thought to just call his father because we don’t want an obvious solution to a stupid situation.

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Back in Vegas, the girls marvel over the Considine Diamond, a completely fake jewel that convienently lists its market value for anyone wishing to steal it. Yeah, I’m sure this random insertion won’t play any other role in the film.

In any case, Kelly and Lisa decide they’re tired of waiting for the boys nnd they need to burn some screen time, so they decide to burn some run time by having Lisa give Kelly her wedding present…

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…a nice little two minute montage featuring manicures, pedicures, massages, and saunas, because THIS is what you want to show and not just recap later. This franchise needs to go back and take a basic creative writing course.

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Meanwhile, the boys arrive in Vegas without further incident. Zack Morris decides that, after being illegally detained and having to pay a bribe to a corrupt sheriff, the best course is to not tell Kelly and Lisa about any of this because we need to create pointless conflict in this film. Naturally, Screech almost blows it right away because he’s a complete moron.

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Slater gets the romantic subplot of this film, though, as he spots one of the girls from CSI, no doubt investigating a murder. She smiles at him, which is practically a signal to fuck on top of the slot machines.

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Slater decides the best way to get Zack Morris’s money back and waste some more time is to randomly caddy  at a golf course because complete amateurs are always allowed to just drop in and make money.

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Of course, they caddy for a bunch of assholes, including one who makes Slater go into the water trap to retrieve balls…

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…and another who wants Zack Morris to help him cheat.

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Screech’s might be the most sane, but he’ll soon be insane by Screech’s usual stupidity, including making as much noise as possible during tee off.

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Eventually, Slater’s player runs out of balls and sends Slater to the pro shop to buy some more. There, he sees the CSI, who’s no doubt there undercover waiting to jump on a perp. No, actually, her name is Carla and she’s the manager of the pro shop and, though she seems nice enough, she gives Slater the cold shoulder on a date because we need to waste some more time before they eventually get together. Is it just me, or are they basically copying and pasting the Zack Morris/Andrea romance from Hawaiian Style?

While Slater’s at the pro shop, Zack Morris and Screech manage to crash two golf carts loaded with clubs into the water trap, angering the players, who say they’re completely incompetent, despite the fact Zack Morris was helping the guy cheat like he wanted. They fire the duo as well as Slater despite the fact he wasn’t even there because why the hell not, and we’ll not see the golf course the rest of the episode. That was a nice waste of time, wasn’t it?

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So, with that important plot out of the way, it’s time for a pool montage so we can get lots of shirtless and bikini shots of our cast because that’s why people are really watching this film. The only relevant thing we find out here is that Zack Morris is supposed to meet Kelly at the wedding planner’s office the next morning.

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For some reason, Carla’s hanging out at the Stardust pool because it makes complete sense to have a local using a resort’s facilities. Despite her hesitation to have anything more to do with this film, Slater convinces Carla to go on a date with him that night.

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Of course, something has to be up with Carla so we see two random goons watching her because conflict.

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Meanwhile, Zack Morris recaps the fact they’ve lost their money to Screech and Gilbert Gottfried overhears . Oh, yes, if there was something I’ve always thought Saved by the Bell needs, it’s an appearance by the man with the most annoying voice in the world.  And, yeah, like every movie he’s in, Gilbert Gottfried is here to play the role of the shifty plot device who’s going to bring in some more conflict. In the case of this film, he’s here to convince Zack Morris and Screech to become…male escorts…

Jesus fucking Christ! Who thought this was a good idea for a subplot? Zack Morris is giving Kelly ample reason to distrust him.

Though they’re initially hesitant to take the gig, Gilbert Gottfried tells Zack Morris and Screech how much male escorting pays and they instantly agree to sell their bodies to needy older women. And, if The New Class‘s timeline for this film is correct, Screech is also cheating since he was dating Alison at this point. How lovely. They’re both pieces of crap!

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At the wedding planner’s office, Kelly and Lisa marvel over dresses that are too expensive even if Zack Morris hadn’t lost all his money to a corrupt cop. Of course, Zack Morris is a no show and Lisa continues serving her purpose of planting doubt in Kelly’s mind about whether Zack Morris really wants to get married  Of course, Kelly is one hundred percent confident in Zack Morris for the time being because the plot demands it.

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And what important task is Zack Morris learning? Why, cliche “walking with a book on your head” shit of course because we need more Gilbert Gottfried apparently. Yes, our idiots are getting training in being male escorts, which I’m sure will include a bedroom training between Zack Morris and Screech. The training done, Zack Morris gets his first assignment: meet a woman at the revolving restaurant on the top floor of the strip, and he rushes off to meet Kelly.

He arrives at the wedding planner and assures Kelly nothing’s wrong despite the fact they’ve never had an adventure in five years that didn’t involve something going wrong. She tells him she made dinner reservations at the top of the strip, and, of course, it’s the same time as his escorting gig because this film isn’t finished exploiting cliches yet.

That night, Screech is manhandled into a pink limousine for his assignment.

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Meanwhile, Lisa encounters Curt, and her hostility for him is really forced at this point. I get being suspicious of a shirtless guy coming out of the desert, but he’s a hotel employee talking to you. Are we really to believe that Lisa is this classist? Curt randomly asks Lisa on a date to a steak buffet and she accepts because that plot just came the fuck out of nowhere. If anything, I thought Curt was going to cause conflict between Zack Morris and Kelly, but I guess we can’t imply Kelly would ever question her complete devotion to Zack Morris.

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Screech’s date definitely wants to touch Screech’s winkey dink, and this seems to gross him out since he was hoping Violet or Alison would be the first to do that. I still find it unbelievable that any woman would find Screech attractive, even a woman obviously this desperate for the touch of a man, or some semblance of one. I feel sorry for a woman willing to pay good money for him.

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She does what most sex-deprived women do: take a complete idiot who agreed to escort for Gilbert Gottfried to tango. Of course, I have questions about who would hire Gilbert Gottfried to get them an escort in the first place, but I would sure ask for my money back.

It’s time for dinner and we get the tired cliche that’s been done in so many films and television shows it’s completely obvious how it will end: Zack Morris arrives at the restaurant with Kelly and tries to keep his escorting date at the same time.

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He sneaks away to meet his other date, a Russian woman who speaks very little English, but just enough to create a misunderstanding that Zack Morris wants to marry her, because why the hell not? Of course, fulfilling the cliche, Kelly comes over and catches them, and she says that she should have listened to Lisa this whole time and realized Zack Morris is a piece of shit. Actually, if you were really paying attention, Kelly, you would have realized that way back in season one of the original series. She runs off, realizing what most of us have known for years.

Also, we keep hearing that this is the most expensive restaurant in Vegas, but Zack Morris only has $40, some of which he used to buy Lisa dinner earlier. How, exactly, was he planning on affording dinner for Kelly and how is he eating at all?

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To save money on sets and, despite the fact the two restaurant plots don’t intersect at all, Slater and Carla eat at the same restaurant and share their backgrounds, with Slater insisting he didn’t have girlfriends overseas despite the fact this was a plot point for an episode of the series.  Carla won’t talk much about herself, though, and says she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

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Back at the restaurant, Carla’s ex-boyfriend, Freddie Silver, shows up to create some conflict for our final half hour. When he won’t leave Carla, Slater punches him out. Carla tells Slater to run, and the two goons from the swimming pool come in and chase Slater and Carla out of the restaurant. Turns out they’re working for Freddie Silver, whoever the hell he is since the film has done absolutely no foreshadowing to get us to this point so let’s just role with it. They run through the restaurant and the casino to eventually arrive back in the boys’ room.

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Zack Morris, meanwhile, decides the best way to resolve his current subplot is to climb out on the balcony and try to make it to the girls’ room without falling to his death, which will mean breaking an entering into someone’s room who doesn’t want to see you right now but, hey, who the hell cares about making Zack Morris look any more like a jack ass at this point.

Back in the boys’ room, Carla tells Slater that Freddie Silver is a “bad man with bad connections.” Yeah, that explains everything! She says she broke up with Freddie when she realized but he’s a dangerous man, which is why they have to get out of the room when the goons manage to track them to a specific room thirty seconds later. Yeah, that’s believable.

Slater gets the same idea: for Carla and him to climb into the girls’ room, and he discovers Zack Morris about to fall to his death. Slater climbs over and helps Zack Morris and then pulls Carla over. In the process, Zack Morris tells Kelly he whole story. She instantly forgives him because that’s what the plot needs right now and we wouldn’t want her to question too much why Zack Morris is such a socipath.

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In the room, Kelly tells Zack Morris she doesn’t care about any of the shit he has been the entire episode and they can just get married in a small chapel for all she cares, thus rendering most of what’s happened before completely pointless.

Carla reveals there’s more to Freddie than wanting to murder Slater. See, he came to Vegas just to steal the Considine Diamond because stealing expensive jewels from a low security area like we saw earlier is a plausible get rich quick scheme. Lisa says she thinks she has a way to get them out of this…

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…and she has Curt sneak Slater and Carla past the goons on a luggage cart while someone gets Slater’s SUV so we can get another character involved in this whole thing. Of course, our resident dumb ass pulls up at exactly that time so he can show why he wasn’t in this scene, other than to show a really desperate woman trying to molest him: so he can turn the luggage cart around and the goons see it.

The boys and Carla rush off in Slater’s SUV while the goons steal a taxi to chase after them, which I’m sure won’t bring unwanted attention to potential diamond thieves. After all, grand theft auto is no big deal in the Saved by the Bell universe unless it directly affects the plot, like earlier in this film . The girls and Curt follow not far behind in Lisa’s car just because we need everyone involved in this shit.

What follows is a three way car chase where no one acts with any sense, driving erratically through the streets on the night the police must have taken off. They all hit a red light, leading to a foot pursuit after the boys and the goons randomly abandon their cars in the middle of the street because no one cares about anything in Vegas. And, no, we’ll ever actually find out what happened to the cars.

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So the boys and Carla randomly break into a wax museum during the foot chase. The goons are really bad at this chase thing, though, as they are far enough behind that the boys and Carla have the opportunity to change into random costumes that just happened to be laying around, including Zack Morris reprising his casually racist Arab getup from season one of the original series. The goons run out of the museum, not having found our heroes, and the four believe they’ve escaped, even after looking directly at them and not being able to recognize faces like most people in this franchise.

A random man threatens to call the police unless our heroes get the fuck out of there because he apparently hasn’t heard this is the day the police station is closed. Zack Morris asks Carla the obvious: why didn’t she call the police and tell them what she knows about Freddie Silver. She responds that she’s been followed constantly and hasn’t been able to. Um, we saw you in the pro shop earlier and the only one there was Slater. Even if the goons were outside and out of sight, you could have called the police and asked them to come down. I seriously doubt the goons would have made a move on you with cops there, and the police could have protected you. But that would have rendered all this pointless and we can’t have that.

The boys and Carla casually walk down the sidewalk, apparently having forgotten the goons were onto them only moments ago. Naturally, our duo walk right past them and the chase is on again and, god, can someone just die and get it over with? This fucking chase is taking way too long!

The girls and Curt spot the others and stop their car in the middle of the road to join the chase because why the hell not at this point! The chase leads into a casino, where they’re soon spotted after Screech doesn’t understand that hiding under a table involves not letting people know that you’re there. And, yay, more thrilling chase as they go backstage at some scantily clad show, which gives Zack Morris an idea…

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…dress the four of them up as scantily clad women! Unfortunately, since the plot demands it, the goons can now recognize faces in costume. The girls and Curt go backstage to try and get the rest out and yeah, a guy backstage calls security, but the goons show them credentials and say they’re security. I don’t understand who these people are supposed to be! But, yeah, they pull out guns and take our seven bumbling idiots hostage, finally putting an end to this whole stupid chase thing that was making me want to go to sleep.

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They just happen to be in the hotel Freddie Silver is staying at so the goons take them upstairs, apparently no one in the hotel caring that there’s two guys brazenly walking around with guns drawn. They’re ready to kill our seven protagonists when Curt offers to help them steal the Consadine Diamond if Freddie lets the rest of them go. See, Curt’s father owns the Stardust, a point not even slightly hinted at throughout the rest of the film, and he says he can get Freddie in to steal the diamond.

Lisa wonders why Curt wouldn’t tel her that so she could stop treating him like shit and he’s all, “Insert cliche about not caring about wealth here.” In any case, Freddie takes Curt up on his offer but says he won’t let the rest go until he has the diamond.

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Curt dresses as a security guard and opens the safe successfully while Screech prattles on about being Janet Reno’s nephew. Hey, it’s about as believable as him being Jim Harbaugh’s cousin. Freddie sends his goons in to steal everything in the safe.

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But, now, we see the only reason for the paintball shit in the cold opening. The boys do the stupid routine again that fooled their opponents earlier, punch out Freddie Silver, and lock his goons in the safe. Lisa says she can’t believe that worked again and I wonder how she knows it worked in the first place. Did they give her a whole thrilling recap of the paintball game?

Well, the police are working again so Curt calls for security as Zack Morris and Kelly make out to how sexy it was they got to do one more unrealistic thing in this franchise before they get married.

Everyone makes their way to a cheap wedding chapel, ready for Zack Morris and Kelly to get married. And you can tell it’s cheap because there’s a husband and wife Elvis impersonator team, a pregnant woman, old people, and someone who looks suspiciously like Tori, all waiting to be married.

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And the writers decided we needed one more Gilbert Gottfried appearance, so here he is as an officiant, ready to marry our duo with his grating voice that kills ear drums.

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But it’s not meant to be because Derek and Melanie burst into the chapel and object! See, Slater called Derek off camera and convinced Derek he needed to support Zack Morris. Yeah, we could show ten minute chases and pedicure montages but we couldn’t show Derek Morris going through the only character development he’s received in any of his appearances in this franchise. He says that he’s decided it’s Zack Morris’s life and, if they want to get married, they’re not going to let Gilbert Gottfried be the officiant so they say give them the next scene and they’ll have a super great wedding!

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And, right on time, the wedding is on! Kelly’s parents are even there, apparently also getting over their objections from last week’s episode of The College Years. Apparently Zack Morris also gets two groomsmen, which begs the question why Kelly couldn’t have all three girls standing with her and why last week’s subplot was necessary at all.

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We cut to our assembled “former cast members who have no more time than a scene for this stupid movie” and they all brag about how they know Zack Morris and Kelly. Uh, guys, you all know each other. Remember? Mr. Belding randomly showed up at Thanksgiving with food. Or were Mike and Alex busy making out with Marsha Warfield?

Leslie is conspicuously absent. I guess she stopped caring about the wedding when The College Years was cancelled and she found out she didn’t have a job anymore.

Also, Mr. Belding claims Zack Morris and Kelly met in his school. Unless Kelly moved with them from Indianapolis, this conflicts with so much that’s been established about when Kelly became a part of the gang. But we’re ten minutes from the end of the original class, so who the hell cares about continuity at this point.

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But it’s not a wedding without Jessie randomly running in and interrupting shit because she didn’t have the decency to call and say she was coming, even color coordinating with Lisa, which is quite a task for someone they didn’t know was coming. Naturally, she gets to stand with Lisa as a bride’s maid, which really calls into question the point of last week’s subplot. Also, we find out she skipped finals to be at the wedding and will just take summer school to make it up. Um, Jessie, college doesn’t work that way. You know most colleges only allow you to repeat a certain number of classes and they’re not always offered every semester? Methinks this is the real reason Jessie had to stay in Vegas and be a stripper.

So, to pad out some time, we get a nice montage of clips of Zack Morris and Kelly over the years to remind us that, yes, they really are in love and not just in a horrible codependent relationship that will end horribly. Absent are references to Kelly cheating on Zack Morris with the captain of the starship Enterprise or the many times Zack Morris treated Kelly like shit. But, hey, this is supposed to be a fairy tale wedding the tweens will remember and gush over well into their thirties, so we have to make it perfect. But they do creepily remind us that Zack Morris had a cardboard cutout of Kelly that descended from his bedroom ceiling.

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And so the wedding goes on with only a mild interruption from Screech acting like a dumb ass, and, though Kelly has one more opportunity to pull out of this shit before it’s too late, she doesn’t, and she’s now Mrs. Zack Morris. And all this just to keep Kelly from going on the semester at sea program, in case you forgot the stupid ass reason that got us to this point to begin with.

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At the reception, it’s time for our cameos to get individual screen time with Zack Morris and Kelly. Alex hopes they won’t forget her crazy ass now that they won’t be living in the suite.

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Mike gives Zack Morris a big bear hug, sad his acting career is now basically over, and says that he wished he’d had the opportunity to figure out who the hell the writers wanted him to be.

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Mr. Belding says he wouldn’t have missed the opportunity to throw his professional boundaries to the wind one more time and that they were very special to him, unlike the dumb asses walking the halls of Bayside now. He tells them to not forget to visit in case a rich alumnus who loves one of Zack Morris’s relatives who just happens not to be at the wedding tries to randomly shut down the school .

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Jessie tells Zack Morris he better take care of Kelly or she’ll come back and kick his ass if she doesn’t kill her acting career with a horrible movie.

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Zack Morris thanks everyone who appeared in this film despite the fact it was destined to be incomprehensible to anyone who wasn’t already a fan of this franchise, and they invite everyone to their new apartment.

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After Slater toasts them, Kelly’s family comes in to earn their paychecks and tell Kelly they’re proud of her. Two of her brothers are there as well, the littler of the two I assume is the one the gang once babysat. Absent are her sister since she was spurned by Zack Morris, and the brother who’s a big football star at Bayside.

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Derek tells Zack Morris he has a lot of faith in Zack Morris that, since he’s conned his way this far in life, he’ll continue to do so and make it despite the odds.

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Outside the Stardust, it’s time for everyone to go their separate ways, and Lisa prepares to go back to the reservation with Curt because now that she knows he’s rich, she wants him badly. And, if they end up together, it makes Screech’s stalking of Lisa well into their twenties all the more creepy.

Screech gives them a teary goodbye. Zack Morris and Kelly they ll him they’re sure they’ll see a lot of him, but he tells them, no, he’s going to randomly take a position at Bayside that means he’ll only be back at Cal U to randomly bring some students there.

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Slater and Carla leave together, with Carla apologizing that her subplot padded the running time of this episode to keep the event people tuned in to see from happening too soon, and Kelly says that’s okay because Carla will one day be on a much better show that also takes place in Vegas.

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Kelly throws the bouquet and, in one final cliche, Screech catches it, just as his desperate client finds him again and begs him to give her his sweet man chowder.

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Zack Morris and Kelly hop in a limousine and kiss as it pulls away.

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And our film and the era of the original cast ends with the Stardust congratulating Zack Morris and Kelly on making a stupid mistake that the writers only went through with as a stupid gimmick to end this part of the franchise on a ratings high point.

Final thoughts on this film? It is what it is. Though Hang Time will later refer to it as a cult film, it’s hardly anything but an attempt to give fans closure on the cliffhanger from the last episode of The College Years. As I’ve said before, it’s so apparent that this wasn’t going to be how the season two premiere of The College Years was going to go so it’s kind of painful to just see them unquestioningly move towards a marriage based on Zack Morris’s sociopathy.

This film was never going to have wide appeal. It knows its audience: people who invested five years of their life into finding out if Zack Morris and Kelly would get together. There’s so much padding in this it’s painful, and I counted eleven interwoven subplots, which was way too many for this film. There’s also something very unsatisfying about the titular wedding, as if it’s an after though being thrown in at the end.

With that being said, I think I slightly favor this film over Hawaiian Style. It at least has a point, and its events will be referenced later in the franchise, unlike the other film. To top it off, it was a good idea to bring Jeff Melman back to direct this. Melman directed almost all the episodes of The College Years, so his involvement does at least give the film a consistent feel.

As Slater says, it’s the end of an era. It’s time to move on.


And that, my friends, is it for the original cast, as hard as that is to believe. I’ll have bonus posts next week on Wednesday and Thursday. Next Friday, tune in for one final overarching recap on the original cast era, where I’ll share my final thoughts on the era spanning Good Morning Miss Bliss, the original series, The College Years, and both films.

Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style

Surprised to see this here this week? Well, don’t be! When I started this blog, I committed to doing everything in the order it aired, or at least in the order that IMDB claims it aired, so here we are with the first of two movies based on the series: Hawaiian Style!

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Our opening credits are basically random scenes from Hawaii to let you, the viewer, know that, yes, the producers really did splurge on travel costs to actually go to Hawaii, well, at least for part of the movie, since Dennis Haskins once admitted much of the filming was in Malibu. Oh well. I guess credit where credit is due: they made at least a little more effort to be authentic, unlike certain episodes of a stupid spin-off of the series.

Oh, and, yes, the original songs from this movie are horrible. I may do another post at some point where I break down the lyrics if there’s demand for it, but, suffice it to say, Mrs. Johnson’s kindergarten class was busy on their writing assignment that week!

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And our episode proper opens with, yes, Screech violating airport safety regulations by riding the baggage carousel. It’s not so bad. Maybe it’ll take him back in the back and they’ll ship him off to some country with a war going on. One of Screech’s random idiocies for the next hour and half is going to be him filming random stuff and just generally annoying the shit out of people. So, basically like most of his appearances in the franchise.

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Zack Morris and Slater get massive boners from all the women at the airport, which makes Jessie jealous since she and Slater are apparently dating. Where this movie fits in with the television series is confusing, and Slater and Jessie dating doesn’t make it any easier to figure out. See, this movie makes the most sense if it takes place in the summer between the gang’s junior and senior year of high school, even though that would make this a really busy summer for them between Malibu Sands, Palm Desert, and now Hawaii. In a minute, Mr. Belding is going to tell them he’ll see them in September, which means it can’t take place in between season four and The College Years. But Slater and Jessie weren’t dating the summer after their junior year, and Slater even went after Denise Richards and a princess from a made up country that summer. So, I’m just going to assume this entire movie is non-canonical, which begs the question, “Is it a complete waste of my time to watch it?” More on that in a bit.

Slater and Jessie start fighting over random shit, and, after complaints from Kelly and Lisa that they’re going too hot and heavy on the fighting too early in the movie, they agree to tone it down and get along for the duration of their two week vacation.

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While Slater and Jessie fight, Zack Morris spots a woman who looks confused as to why she’s in a shitty Saved by the Bell movie.

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Naturally, Zack Morris thinks that this could be his chance to lose his cursed virginity, so he swoops in like a hungry pterodactyl and insists on carrying her bags for her. Her name is Andrea Larson and she decides to let Zack Morris carry her shit for her rather than yell that there’s a sexual predator beating down on her. Andrea’s a native Hawaiian, which Zack Morris thinks is so cool because Hawaii is so much better than anywhere else in the world.

Meanwhile, Lisa bets Slater and Jessie $50 each that they won’t make it the whole trip without fighting. Jessie thinks, for some reason, that she’s going to win, so she readily agrees to the bet, because Slater and Jessie have such a long track record of getting along.

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Outside, a limo pulls up to collect Andrea, and in it is Derek Worthington, Andrea’s boyfriend, whom we’re supposed to think is pompous because he tries to tip Zack Morris, assuming he’s the porter. Yeah, that would be my first thought, too, and not that my girlfriend is being courted by a sexual predator. Andrea thanks Zack Morris and wishes him goodbye as she departs in the limo. In any other world, this would be the last time Andrea and Zack Morris saw each other, but this is the Saved by the Bell universe!

Andrea must be quite a knock out, too, because she distracts Zack Morris so much he never returns to the baggage claim to get his luggage. Seriously, he never gets his luggage. He must have thought he was going to a nudist resort so he wouldn’t need anything more than his hot naked body.

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Zack Morris is soon joined by the rest of the gang, who spot a familiar face nearby. Yes, Mr. Belding just happens to be in Hawaii at the same time as the gang giving a tour to a bunch of California principals. What are the odds! It’s almost like contrivance! He asks the gang what they’re doing there and we find out that Kelly’s grandfather owns a hotel in Hawaii and invited her to bring the gang for two weeks. Well, I guess at least it’s not like The New Class where Mr. Belding would have been invited along with the gang. But, if Kelly’s grandfather owns a hotel, why is her family always so poor? Why doesn’t her grandfather help out in times of need? These are questions that will never be answered because they never even occurred to the writers.

Mr. Belding suggests they keep as much distance from him as possible so that he doesn’t involve himself in whatever hijinks are about to ensue, and the gang agrees, showing a surprising appreciation for boundaries with the Bayside faculty. Mr. Belding leads his group in a nice double-decker bus to the Royal Pacific hotel while a dinky car from the ’60s pulls up to take the gang to the Hawaiian Hideaway, just to emphasize the class differences in where they’ll be staying.

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Nearby, two cab drivers spot Screech acting like an idiot and, rather than being repulsed by him like most of the world, say only, “He has returned!” which sounds suspiciously like Screech is going to have a really dumb and pointless subplot.

We get another song and a montage of some Hawaiian scenes to remind us, yes, we really are in Hawaii…

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…and the gang arrive at the Hawaiian Hideaway to meet Kelly’s grandfather, Harry Bannister, played by Dean Jones. If you recognize Jones from anything else, it’ll probably be either from The Love Bug or Beethoven. So, other than this movie, he’s known for talking cars and big slobbery dogs. Nice. Also, Harry treats us to yet another song, this time on the ukulele. Also, Harry instantly recognizes Screech by his stupidity.

Kelly asks why it’s so quiet and where the other guests are and that’s when we find out there are no other guests. Over a lunch of fish, we find out the Royal Pacific Hotel wanted to buy the Hideaway’s land so they hired away his staff and even paid others not to work there. With no staff to take care of them, guests stopped coming. Kelly wants to know what can be done but Harry says now is the time to eat, not worry about that, and they’ll talk more in a few scenes when Harry’s lawyer can be present.

Screech nearly chokes on a fish bone, and it suddenly makes me realize how much the easily impressed studio audience is to making Screech’s gags work. He tries to pull off something that wouldn’t be funny in the first place but that the studio audience would have loved, and we’re treated to awkward silence that reminds me of when your racist uncle says something really horrible about black people at Thanksgiving and you have absolutely no idea what to say other than completely go off on him. Some sitcoms have successfully done without a laugh track because their jokes stand on their own: Malcolm in the MiddleArrested DevelopmentThe OfficeThe Middle, just to name a few. Saved by the Bell was obviously never cut out to be one of these. This pattern continues throughout the whole movie so buckle your seat belts.

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We’re next treated to a little montage of the gang playing at the beach to remind us, yes, we are in Hawaii. Did you know you’re in Hawaii by now? Well, you are even if you didn’t realize it. Welcome to Hawaii! We also get another bad song that makes me wish for the awkward silence that accompanies a Screech joke.

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That night, Zack Morris and Screech naturally share a room because they’re hoping to finally consummate their love. Zack Morris tries to have a serious conversation with Screech about love at first sight and Harry losing the hotel, but it’s like talking a sponge so Zack Morris decides to go to bed. When Screech tries to film Zack Morris sleeping, he throws a pillow at Screech, and we get another of those awkward pauses.

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The next day at the beach, Screech films random shit, gets bit by a crab, and threatened by Lisa, the only other person on the beach, to get the fucking camera out of her face before she kills him.

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A group of native Hawaiians come onto the beach and declare that it is him…

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…and promptly swarm and kidnap Screch.

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When Lisa half-halfheartedly protests that they’re taking away the least competent member of the cast, the group kidnaps her as well to eliminate any witnesses to the perfect crime no one will ever want to investigate!

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Back at the hideaway, Kelly meets Harry’s lawyer, Brian Hanson, Harry’s lawyer who’s been working for Harry for free for the past two years. Kelly greets her obvious love interest for the film who I’m sure is not going to totally turn out to be a villain, and Brian says that there’s nothing they can do about Royal Pacific as they’re within their rights to harass a smaller hotel out of business.

Zack Morris comes in with an idea: for the gang to work for Harry at the Hideaway so he can stay afloat.

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Then Slater and Jessie come in with the same idea. I guess the writers of The New Class came in next but decided to store it away for the third season ski lodge episodes instead. Fuck me, The New Class really doesn’t have an original bone in their body.

Brian says that, in order to stay in business, Harry will need to fill the Hideaway to capacity for the next two weeks. Zack Morris says to leave it to them as they have a relationship with a certain plot contrivance down at the Royal Pacific.

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Meanwhile, the native Hawaiians bring Screech and Lisa to some open land.

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Screech decides it’s time to do something he thinks is intimidating but wouldn’t even intimidate a badly written Saved by the Bell extra, so he raises his finger and makes weird sounds. This has the expected reaction of making the Hawaiians bow down in reverence to Screech.

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Yes, Screech is their idol or some shit. Yeah, this is the Pukuku tribe and they say their former chief left to find snow (yeah, in Hawaii) but promised his descendant would return one day and help them reclaim their land from the Royal Pacific Hotel which just happens to be the evil corporation in this episode. They think Screech is their messiah, come to rescue them from the evils of bad subplots!

Gag me. Gag me now. Also, way to create a fake Hawaiian tribe by rhyming syllables that sound like “fu.” God, I hope this isn’t going to be as stupid as it sounds.

Lisa tries to tell them the truth: that their god makes George W. Bush look like Albert Einstein by comparison, but the Pukuku won’t listen to reason, insisting that ignorance is bliss, and decide it’s time for a bit of idol worship in the Saved by the Bell universe.

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Back at the Hideaway, the gang see the Pukuku carrying Screech back as a god to the Hideaway. Harry and Brian say that “Pukuku” is Polynesian for “idiot fringe” and the Puuku rush off to drive their cabs in happiness knowing their god is the biggest idiot in the world.

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At the Royal Pacific, Zack Morris finds out the principals are on the twelfth floor. He sends Kelly and Lisa to deal with some principals on the beach while the rest of the gang rush to the twelfth floor for Plan Be a Dick.

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See, in Plan Be a Dick, Slater dresses up like a hotel employee, eats one of the principal’s breakfasts on the spot…

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…and then delivers it with a slice of bacon and toast, outraging the portly principal, especially when Slater demands a 30% tip and then takes the rest of the breakfast when the principal refuses to comply.

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Jessie pretends to be a maid and chases one elderly female principal out of her room while she’s still in her nightgown.

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Kelly and Lisa instigate a scare of sharks in the water so that people will trample each other to visions of Jaws.

 

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And Zack Morris and Screech do a copyright infringement impersonation of Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World that really should have seen them sued by Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. They pretend to fumigate this room with skunk stench to scare out the occupants for the next twelve hours.

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Operation Be a Dick complete, Zack Morris and Screech meet Andrea in the elevator, who just happens, in yet another funny coincidence, to work at the Royal Pacific. Zack Morris asks to meet Andrea after their plan is finished, but Andrea says she doesn’t want to commit statutory rape. Zack Morris says he can’t stop thinking about her and she tells him to go masturbate and feel better

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The gang join Mr. Belding for the breakfast buffet just as the other principals come up and blindly express outrage that Mr. Belding booked them at the Royal Pacific. Mr. Belding doesn’t think anything’s up that the gang just happen to be there when this chaos is taking place.

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Meanwhile, turns out that Derek is the son of the owner of the Royal Pacific and insists on having breakfast with Andrea despite the fact she needs to be at work since his wants and needs automatically trump those of the hotel guests and other employees. Andrea quickly capitulates, but not before saying no to his proposition for a nooner.

Derek sees the chaos with the principals and they all demand to be booked somewhere other than the Royal Pacific. Derek gives up really quickly with, “Who needs these people anyway?”

Mr. Belding wonders where he’ll find another hotel with forty rooms and the gang suggest Mr. Belding book the principals at the Hideaway since that will be a convenient way to get the main plot going. Lucky for him, I guess the Royal Pacific was nice enough to just give him a full refund when he and his group randomly leave, something no hotel would ever do in real life.

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The principals arrive at the Hideaway as Brian starts flirting with Kelly and insinuating he doesn’t share Andrea’s aversion to statutory rape. Also, Screech remembers that some unfortunate Hawaiian tribe is counting on him to save their land. Oh, any other time this would mean that the tribe is going to lose their land for sure.

Mr. Belding finds out the gang are the staff at the Hideaway and has reservations for some reason whether he can actually pull off a decent set of activities for the principals. Zack Morris tells Mr. Belding not to worry despite the fact he has five years of experience with this group of teenagers that tells him he should worry. After all, with a mere hour left in this film, what could possibly go wrong?

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Well, there’s reason to worry right away when a group of the principals let Zack Morris and Screech take them on an ocean expedition.

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Screech, being a confirmed dumb ass, manages to fall off the boat almost right away. Oh, Screech, you’re such a moron.

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Slater tries to teach another group how to throw a net into the ocean…for some reason. I assume he’s supposed to be teaching them how to fish but it’s never really made clear. In any case, he throws a net over and it snags Mr. Belding who just happened to be randomly swimming in that exact same spot! This makes Slater look like an idiot and not Mr. Belding because the plot demands it.

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Jessie’s on kitchen duty since it’s funny she’s feminist and has to do traditional women’s gender roles and shit. Naturally, she sucks ass at cooking a ham, even with a recipe.

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Kelly and Lisa teach an assembeld group how to hula dance but didn’t find out anything about hula dancing and that one makes a story with their hands while dancing, so they teach the principals how to do “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” Classy to Hawaiian culture there, girls. The hulaing principals seem to eat it up, though, since it’s not integral to the plot yet.

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Back at sea, Zack Morris can’t get the boat to turn over. Yeah, turns out Zack Morris, in another instance of never learning from his mistakes, trusted Screech to check the gas, who decided not to do something so simple and common sense. Also, Screech isn’t wet from falling into the ocean because he has Marty McFly’s self-drying clothes from Back to the Future II.

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Lucky for Zack Morris, Andrea just happens to be driving by on her own boat at that very moment and agrees to tow them in since she won’t have much of a plot if Zack Morris dies at sea.

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Back on land, we finally meet our arch-villain of the movie only thirty-five minutes in, Charles Worthington, the owner of the Royal Pacific and the evil industrialist who wants to tear down the Hideaway. The producers must have thought he made a good villain here because he’s the same guy who played Mr. McMillan, the evil Bayside alumn who never got laid so he wanted to get the school shut down in The New Class two-parter “Goodbye Bayside.” He just likes being a dick to people for little justification, doesn’t he?

Mr. Worthington and Derek confer with a construction worker over plans to tear down the Hideaway and you can tell he’s a construction worker because he’s wearing a hard had and holding blueprints and wearing bad thrift store clothes. Mr. Worthington is convinced owning the Hideaway is a done deal since they haven’t had any customers in so long, and that’s when the construction worker spots Andrea towing in the Hideaway’s boat.

Mr. Worthington tells Derek he better get his girlfriend to respect his authority and not be nice to anybody.

On dock, Zack Morris thanks Andrea for saving him, a damsel in distress, and asks if they can have lunch tomorrow. Derek comes up raving like a mad man and Andrea speeds off in the boat so she can have as little contact with Derek as possible. She does, though, agree to have lunch with Zack Morris tomorrow since that’s the only way we’re ever going to advance the plot.

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The principals aren’t happy with how the day’s gone, though, and they say the dinner better be fucking good or else they’re going to create more conflict!

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The gang find that Jessie’s managed to cook a pre-cooked ham for seven hours because she sucks at life and there’s no way they can serve this to their guests.

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Lucky, at that very moment, the Pukuku come in with a stew for their idiot god and his friends which doesn’t taste bad. Harry and the gang decide that this is their only way out so they decide to serve the stew to their guests.

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Lucky, the guests love the stew and there’s no jokes about it being made from pig testicles or anything! Score one for a good ending to a really stupid day at the Hideaway!

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Brian shows up to see how their day’s gone and invites Kelly out to see Honolulu. You know, I think this is the first time we’ve actually been told where in Hawaii they are. Way to wait forty minutes into the film before revealing where in Hawaii this takes place instead of leaving it as “Random Hawaiian Place.” Also, is there an implication in the middle of all this that the Royal Pacific and the Hideaway are the only two hotels in all of Honolulu? I think the producers have about as good a grasp of Honolulu as they had previously on Indianapolis.

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The next day, Slater, Jessie, and Screech lead a group of principals on a trip to a cultural center to see an exhibit on Polynesian history. Lucky for them, Slater doesn’t need a license to drive a bus full of people in this universe! We get some more scenery of Hawaii to remind us that, yes, we are indeed in Hawaii in case you fell asleep and forgot what you were watching. Jessie, acting as navigator, finds what she believes to be a shortcut on the map to the center, and nothing could possibly go wrong with this!

Also, we randomly cut to Lisa shopping…for some reason that’s not explained for a few more minutes.

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On their lunch date, Zack Morris and Andrea have their date, and Zack Morris tells Andrea all about himself: about how he likes to dress in drag randomly and date his idiotic friends and shit like that. He’s ashamed of his Indiana heritage, though, because he leaves out the part where he lived in Indianapolis and moved to LA with his friends and his principal and found new parents. He also claims to have been born in LA.

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Kelly, on her date with a much older man, is quickly wooed by his efforts to seduce her. He decides to bring up an obvious question: what will happen after the gang leaves and Harry can’t keep going. He thinks Harry ought to sell the Hideaway and move back to LA to be close to his family even though Kelly once said that she had an uncle in Hawaii so why wouldn’t Harry just go live with him? Oh, yeah, because the writers can’t keep up with their already established bullshit.

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Jessie’s shortcut leads the bus to a dead end because, once again, Jessie sucks at life. The principals all wonder why they have to work in the same state as these idiots.

Back at Zack Morris’s date, Andrea doesn’t seem to want to talk about herself, saying she needs to get back, but Zack Morris tightens the screws on her and makes her talk about her and Derek. Why would she date a douche like Derek when she could date a dickhead like Zack Morris? He tries to kiss her and she says she really needs to go before she gets caught up in a zany plot not of her making. She says it’s a bad idea for them to get together and, when he asks why, she says to walk her back to the hotel. They proceed to abandon all their picnic stuff for Yogi Bear to find and trot hand in hand back to the Royal Pacific, Andrea seemingly forgetting minute by minute that, yes, we’ve established several times that she’s already dating Derek.

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Slater manages to back into a hole just wide enough to trap the bus (how convenient!) and he and Jessie fight over who’s the more incompetent one in the relationship!

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Derek drops Kelly back off at the Hideaway where they kiss and the audience would lose their shit over illegal love, that is if there was an audience. Kelly says she’s going to talk to Harry about the Hideaway before the guests get back, and our not obvious at all double agent contemplates how he went from doing soap operas to Saved by the Bell films.

In case you forgot we’re in Hawaii, we get yet some more scenes of people doing random beach stuff in Hawaii to remind us that, yes, we are actually in Hawaii in case you just tuned in and thought we were in LA during a movie called Hawaiian Style.

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Andrea introduces Zack Morris to her daughter, Jennifer, and, though he’s initially shocked that people in the Saved by the Bell universe can procreate, he quickly gets over this aversion to the existence of children and introduces himself to Jennifer. Good thing he got over this shock of the possibility of childbirth before he got stuck in an elevator with a birthing Mrs. Belding!

 

In his office, Mr. Worthington chews out an unseen accomplice for allowing there to be guests at the Hideaway and possible complications to his evil, dastardly plans. And are you ready for the big reveal they’ve been building up to for the last minute? You won’t believe it!

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Yes, Brian is working for Mr. Worthington and using Kelly and Harry to ensure Mr. Worthington’s evil plan goes off with no problems! How shocking! I didn’t predict this at all when he was first introduced in the movie! Gee, I need to go take a break and contemplate how well done that plot twist really is! It ranks up there with the ending of The Sixth Sense or Darth Vader being Luke’s father!

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Back on the beach, Zack Morris manhandles Jennifer and builds her sandcastles and shit. Jennifer thinks Zack Morris makes a really good sandcastle building slave and wants to know when she can force Zack Morris to do stuff for her again and he says that’s up to her mom.

Andrea gives Zack Morris the full story: she met Jennifer’s father in high school. They fucked and didn’t want to get married so, four years later, here she is as a single mom hoping to mooch off Derek to give Jennifer a better life. Zack Morris tells Andrea that Derek’s being a huge poopey face to the Hideaway and Andrea refuses to believe that a character as honest and morally upstanding as Derek would do something so sinister, blaming it instead on Mr. Worthington.

Jennifer wants Zack Morris to come to dinner with them that night but she reminds him that they’re having dinner with Mr. Poopey Face himself. Zack Morris invites them to the luau at the Hideaway tomorrow night instead and Andrea says she’ll let him know. Zack Morris leaves to get back to work, secured in the knowledge that his relationship plot is finally coming to fruition nearly two-thirds of the way through the film.

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Back at the Hideaway, Kelly tells Harry that it might be time to sell the Hideaway. Harry’s naturally resistant to sell his business since that would make for a pretty shitty climax to the film, but Harry promises he’ll think about it.

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Slater and Jessie come in fighting and muddy and talk about the day they’ve had. Mr. Belding’s also muddy and says that the principals are so fed up with this incompetence they want to leave the Hideaway. But where will they go with no other options in Honolulu?!?! Zack Morris promises Mr. Belding his group will love the luau. Mr. Belding says they better or else his group will pull out for sure, meaning that Harry will have to sell the Hideaway.

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Lisa comes in with forty TV dinners. Yes, she was apparently supposed to be on kitchen duty that day but went shopping instead. Gee, I wish they’d explained that to us, the viewer, earlier before they randomly inserted footage of her shopping. Also, she’s overjoyed to find out that she’s won $100 since Slater and Jessie are now fighting. And thus ends the “Slater and Jessie try not to fight” subplot.

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I guess everything must have went smoothly throughout the entire night and next day because it’s already time for the luau, folks! Zack Morris, Slater, and random Native Hawaiian blow through shells…

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While Screech dressed in an insultingly bad getup that I guess is supposed to make him look like a chief to the Pukuku but really makes him look even stupider than usual. Unfortunately, Zack Morris, still not learning from past mistakes, trusted Screech to bury the pig. The Pukuku start digging up the pig but, when they can’t find it, he realizes he forgot where he buried it. Zack Morris fights the urge to kill Screech and instead tells the principals they’re going to start the stage show while Screech figures out what he did with the pig.

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We get a montage of a stage show involving fire and stuff. Good thing playing the drums seems to be one of the gang’s many skills.

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And, look, Andrea and Jennifer made it to the luau after all! The little girl gets to be scarred by the gang after all!

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Back stage, Zack Morris and Slater dress for the next act and Slater tries to talk some sense into Zack Morris about dating an older woman with a child in a state hundreds of miles away from his home who he’s only known for a few days, one of the only times we ever get someone who doesn’t think statutory rape is awesome on this show. Zack Morris is all, “I don’t need reason and shit! I’m more in love with Andrea than even Kelly,” thus invalidating all the stupid shit he said about Kelly a few weeks ago in “Senior Prom.” I always wonder if the producers of this show realized at the time just how much of an ass they made Zack Morris out to be.

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The girls have a similar conversation since Kelly’s not sure she should date yet another older man who this time is even old enough that he’s graduated law school already! Lisa and Jessie convince Kelly that it’s awesome older men like her and she should just put out before they steal Brian from him. She sees their logic and decides that she might as well do it!

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Screech, realizing that he can’t keep living on his fucking insanity forever, brings in a random dog he must have stolen from someone on the street and gets the dog to sniff out where the ham is. Better hope it’s a ham and not a dead body or a bomb that’s going to get you wrapped up in an episode of Baywatch Hawaii!

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We go into our final thirty minutes with some sexual arousal for everyone! Well, except for the asexuals that is. You’ll just have to do with this gripping plot line with an obvious ending. The girls do a hula dance in costumes that were still lying around from “Aloha Slater” while Zack Morris and Slater have taken their shirts off. Lucky for us, Screech is occupied with digging up the pig so he’s not around to strip as well, for once. Electric guitar randomly starts playing during the dance despite there not being an electric guitar anywhere in the vicinity and our principals join in dancing the night away.

Screech comes out and announces he’s found the pig so they can now  finally eat instead of suffering because of his idiocy.

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Harry’s beyond happy at how great things are going and says it’s just like old times. Brian’s face betrays that he’s not happy at how well Zack Morris’s plan is working but, then again, he’s probably not watched enough Saved by the Bell to realize that nothing Zack Morris does can ever go wrong. Unfortunately, I have.

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Zack Morris asks Jennifer what her favorite part of the show was, and she says when Screech fell on the pig. Yeah, I don’t blame you kid. Any opportunity to see physical pain inflicted on Screech is always great for me as well. Andrea says they had a great time but now she needs to get Lindsay to bed. Zack Morris walks Andrea to the car, carrying Jennifer in his arms, obviously still hoping she’ll fall asleep so he can get a little something something from her mother.

Mr. Belding tells Harry that he has nothing to worry about now because the luau was such a success the principals have magically forgotten about the rest of the incompetence displayed over the last hour. Harry tells Kelly that he thought about what she said but knows that, after seeing all these happy faces, knows that he wants to be here and isn’t ready to give up. She says she understands as Brian comes up spouting more bullshit about Kelly’s beauty.

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Slater and Jessie pay up to Lisa, who rushes off to spend her newly earned money at the mall, which she says is open for another hour. Geez, how late do malls stay open in Honolulu? Does Hawaii have twenty-four hour malls I’ve just never heard about? In any case, Slater and Jessie argue some more about whose fault it is they lost a bunch of money to Lisa in the most predictable way possible. I’d say the writers of this film. They’re probably the most to blame.

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After placing a now-sleeping Jennifer in the car, Zack Morris kisses Andrea, meaning he’s now at least to third base with her in this universe. Zack Morris asks when he can see Andrea again, and she says anytime. If she knew Zack Morris better, she’d realize that could possibly mean 4:00 am while she’s showering the dirty things she’s done that night off her body.

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Kelly walks Brian to his car, having told him of Harry’s decision off screen. Brian says he respects Harry’s decision and will do everything in his power to help Harry until the end. They kiss, and Kelly’s barely off screen before Brian calls Mr. Worthington and telling him of these developments, assuring his evil master that he has a backup plan to put the Hideaway out of business involving a showdown on the loan extension. Unfortunately for Brian, Lisa got lost on the way to the mall and somehow ended up behind his car but outside his line of vision.

The next day, it’s been too long since we had a montage of scenes from Hawaii to remind us that, yes, indeed, we really are in Hawaii, guys, we promise! Highlights include Zack Morris surfing, the gang playing football, Zack Morris and Andrea harassing Jennifer, and the gang playing tug-o-war, pulling Mr. Belding and Screech into some water in the process.

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The real highlights come from Screech’s incompetence to deal with life, like riding his bicycle with no hands…

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or  ruining a game of volleyball by idiotically falling on the net….

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…or floating in the middle of the ocean on a floatie and having to be pulled in by a random guy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure if there’s anything I ever learned from Baywatch, it’s that pool toys are not allowed in the ocean, for very good reason. Maybe the lifeguards allowed it because they were hoping Screech would be pulled out to sea.

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At the bank, Harry pays the bank manager the money he currently owes on the loan. He says he owes the rest of the money on the loan, though. Brian tells the manager that they filed for an extension on the loan, which the manager says he never received. Brian was supposed to have sent in the papers but blames it on Harry, saying he was supposed to do it.

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Mr. Worthington and Derek, also customers at this same bank, rush into a private meeting which I’m sure isn’t a conflict of interest at all. The manager tells Mr. Worthington that Harry is on the brink of foreclosure because nothing says above board like telling your customer’s private information to a competitor directly in front of him. Mr. Worthington tries to get Harry to sell again.

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At the Hideaway, Harry calls an emergency meeting of all the principal characters minus our villains to discuss the situation. Andrea offers to talk to Derek and his father, but Harry says that he’s already agreed to the sell to avoid losing everything. Mr. Belding says that, having such a minor role in the film, he just can’t understand how the Worthingtons maneuvered Harry into a place where he’d have to sell. Lisa suddenly thinks that the nefarious plan she heard Brian talking about may be worth mentioning. Kelly’s first reaction is, naturally, to get pissed off that Lisa was watching them smooch. Yeah, priorities there, Kelly. Harry realizes that Lisa’s on to something and, when he finds out it was Brian’s idea for Kelly to convince him to sell the Hideaway, our assembled main characters realize what I did seventy minutes ago: Brian’s not a good guy.

Kelly suddenly comes around to priorities and wants to cut his dick off and stick it in his mouth. Zack Morris encourages her to wait, though, as he wants to do what he does best: manipulate people to get what he wants. Since Brian doesn’t know yet that they realize he’s in on the plot, Zack Morris believes he could be the perfect center of a Zack Morris plan to keep Harry from having to give up the Hideaway. Screech mentions the Pukuku and their land deed, and Zack Morris realizes the way to go is to convince Brian and the Worthingtons that the Pukuku have a deed that prevents them from building on the land.

After a commercial break, Kelly and Brian drive to a random university for a meeting with a professor who’s an expert on Polynesian culture and supposedly has a parchment with a land deed on it that the Pukuku discovered.

Who’s the professor you ask?

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Why, Mr. Belding in a bad wig and bow tie of course! After all, since Mr. Belding hasn’t had that much of a role in this film, the writers wanted to give him one more scene so he can act ridiculously and, I have to give it to Dennis Haskins, it’s probably one of the better scenes in this movie. Mr. Belding convinces Brian that the parchment is real and that the Royal Pacific built their hotel on land belonging to the Pukuku, meaning the tribe now has the right to sue the Worthingtons for damages. He allows Brian to take the Pukuku’s parchment under the ruse that he’s going to have it tested by another expert to be sure, and Mr. Belding expresses relief after Brian and Kelly leave that he’s not in much more of this film.

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As Brian leaves, telling Kelly that he needs to take care of some business, Andrea signals Lisa who calls Brian as Mr. Worthington’s secretary, saying that he needs to meet with Brian in a half hour. Lisa then calls Mr. Worthington as Brian’s secretary, saying that Brian needs to meet with Mr. Worthington in a half hour. It’s a good thing neither Mr. Worthington nor Brian has ever met the other’s secretary to know what they actually sound like.

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Meanwhile, Slater and Screech enter Mr. Worthington’s office as the Mario Brothers electrician service and tell him he needs to vacate his office for an electrical emergency and so that they can put their end of the plan in motion. Once out of the room, they set up Screech’s video camera in a fake plant. It’s a good thing that all the annoying shit Screech did with his camera actually had a purpose.

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It’s also a good that Screech has access to sophisticated broadcasting equipment because, in another room, he’s able to pick up the video camera on the television and see what’s going on. The rest of the gang and Andrea join them to see Brian show Mr. Worthington the deed. Mr. Worthington burns the deed, saying that, without it, the Pukuku won’t be able to prove that the deed ever existed.

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After another commercial break, the Pukuku protest in front of the Hideaway to save their land, and multiple reporters just happen to be present as Mr. Worthington is there to announce that the extension of the Royal Pacific will open by Easter.

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The gang show Brian the tape, who’s so shocked that they caught all this on camera that he doesn’t even think he could just run off with the evidence.

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Brian interrupts Mr. Worthington during the press conference to show him the tape. Zack Morris tells Mr. Worthington they have the original tape, that the one he’s watching is a copy which…is actually thinking a lot further ahead than most Saved by the Bell plots do. Mr. Worthington says that they can’t prove the land deed was real. Zack Morris counters that he’s right, but that a judge would find it interesting that Mr. Worthington thought enough of the deed to burn it. Zack Morris tells him that he’s to call off the groundbreaking and sell the Hideaway back to Harry at the same price he bought it for. He’s also to leave the Hideaway alone. Mr. Worthington agrees to the terms but says he’ll get his revenge by changing his name and waiting for a much more inferior cast of characters to come along in a couple years so he can have Bayside shut down on their incompetent watch and Zack Morris will have an excuse to come back with a Dawson’s Creek haircut and cry about it.

The only thing left is for comeuppance. Andrea tells Derek to get bent…

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…while Kelly straight up punches Brian! The lesson here is two-fold: don’t mess with Kelly Kapowski and don’t be a creepy guy in his late-twenties stalking girls from California. Brian also gets fired by Mr. Worthington and told he’ll never work on this island again. No mention of Harry, oh, I don’t know, filing fraud charges against Brian, the Worthingtons, and the bank manager for basically swindling him but everything worked out okay because Kelly got to punch Derek.

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A celebration dinner is held that night featuring Screech dancing like a moron.

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Slater and Jessie decide they really love each other so they’re not going to fight anymore for the rest of the trip. Lisa bets them $200 they won’t make it back to the plane before they fight again, and we all know that Lisa won that bet since that’s the only thing they can do.

Screech reveals the Pukuku’s are Harry’s new staff because we needed a happy ending for them despite the fact Screech did jack shit for them besides use them for a bunch of the gang’s plans.

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Harry insisted they would have to hire a manager from outside the tribe. He says he’s hiring Andrea, but only on the condition he gets to pay her five times what she made at the Royal Pacific. She also has to take college classes towards a degree. Andrea wonders how that’s even fucking possible considering she does have a daughter and stuff and Harry tells her not to worry because it won’t matter since they don’t have to figure out how to show it on screen.

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Zack Morris and Andrea go for a walk and Zack Morris says he doesn’t want to say goodbye. Since he’s turning eighteen soon, he wants to quit school and move to Hawaii. Andrea tells her that he has to stay with the franchise two more years so he can end up marrying another girl. He promises, though, that, if all that shit doesn’t work out, he’ll come right back to Hawaii and find her.

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The next day, it’s time to say goodbye, and the Pukuku thank Screech for doing jack shit to help them this entire episode. They will never forget him and will sing the praises forever of the idiot who came to Hawaii and acted a huge jackass.

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Harry and Kelly say a tearful goodbye and they hug goodbye forever since Harry won’t even be at Kelly’s wedding in a couple years.

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Zack Morris and Andrea kiss goodbye quite literally with Jennifer in the middle. Between this and seeing Screech for the last two weeks, poor kid’s going to be scared for life. The gang load into the Hideaway’s car to one more bad original song and a voice over from, of all people, Screech, who bids the audience, “Aloha.”

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And our film ends with the gang driving away and waving goodbye as Peter Engel takes credit for the mixed mess you’ve just witnessed.

Overall impressions: I was pretty bored with the whole thing overall. It feels like an extended episode with no studio audience and lots and lots of unneeded padding. The Slater and Jessie subplot wasn’t needed at all, Lisa is background decoration, and Screech is just around to act with his usual jackassery. It had its moments and, I have to admit, the plan to get Mr. Worthington to sell the Hideaway back to Harry was pretty ingenious, though it would have fallen apart had Mr. Worthington not burned the fake deed, but these moments were few and far between in the film and I found myself getting so bored just having to sit through much of this crap. I get why they were trying to do a feature length film; I just wish they had gotten someone competent to produce it.

Also, I’m not kidding, this film can’t possibly be canonical unless the gang just had unlimited energy that summer. I wonder if the writers realize that it paints Zack Morris a sociopathic asswipe who got over Stacey in just a few weeks and later lied and said he had never loved anyone more than Kelly. Yeah, I’m going to assume they didn’t think through how they were characterizing their protagonist, like usual.

Thanks for suffering through this review with me! Next week, we’re back for the final stretch of season four of Saved by the Bell!

Firsts: Film, leaving the continental United States.