Category Archives: All The New Class Episodes

The New Class Season 7, Episode 5: “Liz Burns Eric”

I’m just going to give a disclaimer first. I laughed outright at the ridiculousness and absurdity of this episode several times upon my first viewing. This episode is such a cluster fuck of contrivance that it’s difficult to take seriously on any level.


We open at the academy with Mr. Belding meeting Magnum. Sergeant Meinhart tells him that Magnum is a vicious police dog and Mr. Belding better keep his distance.


Unfortunately for me, Christmas has not come early as Magnum doesn’t try to rip Screech’s face off when Screech comes in and immediately just starts fucking with a police dog. Sergeant Meinhart tells him to fuck off and leave Magnum alone so he can get his training in.


Turns out Magnum reminds Screech of Scooter, his dog who ran away on Christmas Eve when he was eight, and he doesn’t think he can stay away from Magnum. Though Mr. Belding tries to tell Screech he’s an adult in a position of authority, Screech is all, “I’m going to do what I want because I’m going to become principal of Bayside in seven episodes even though I suck at life!” Also, what does it say that even Screech’s dog couldn’t stand him so much he ran away.


So this week we get to see the “fire” part of the Police and Fire Academy as Sergeant Murphy tells Liz she’s scored the highest on the leadership aptitude test. She gets to be Senior Cadet Assistant for fire safety class, which basically means she’s somehow been singled out to earn college credit for standing around and being Sergeant Murphy’s secretary. Yeah, why do I get the idea Sergeant Murphy just didn’t want to do anything this week and made up a position to make Liz do all her work? Also, we find out Eric wants to be one of the three cadets to be in the Honor Core.


But there’s no time for discussing that shit right now as Liz has a lady boner for this random guy who turns out to be named Mark. For someone who was inexperienced with guys just last year, she sure seems to be good at forcing herself on guys this season.


And where are our other idiots you may ask? Why, they’re involved in a subplot of their own in which they won’t even come in contact with Nicky, Eric, and Liz this episode. See, they’re involved in the all important subplot of what did Maria get Tony for his birthday?!?! Yeah, we get to see Tony try to force Katie to tell him, and she’s all, “Fuck off you idiot!” And I have to correct myself. I speculated this was an out of order arc last week when Tony tried to force himself on the pretty officer. Turns out Tony’s just a jack ass as he’s clearly dating Maria in this episode.


In class, the cadets compete to see who can put their clothes on first and run to the other side of the room. Yeah, seriously. And Nicky forgets to put on his pants. How hilarious.


They also get to knock down a prop door, which Nicky sucks at as well. But Eric and Mark are good at this shit because the plot demands it, even though Eric’s never shown any interest in this shit before, but isn’t that a fair criticism of this entire arc?


Meanwhile, Screech can’t leave Magnum the hell alone because he’s a responsible adult who’s capable of being a principal and being a role model to impressionable youth. The dog whines and Screech decides to just be a complete moron and take Magnum out for a game of Frisbee.


In the dining room, Tony is all, “TONY FEEL BAD ABOUT BUG MARIA AND KATIE FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENT! TONY GIVE MARIA AND KATIE CANDY!” But Maria soon discovers that, shock of shocks, Tony has an ulterior motive, and this may be the most unbelievable thing of this episode: Tony was smart enough to sneak a wireless microphone into a box a candy. But it’s okay: Tony makes up for his apparent surge of brilliance by planting it in one of the candies he’s invited the girls to eat, allowing Maria to quickly discover it and play the same ruse that was used twice before in this franchise: give Tony false information.


She’s all, “Did you hear Cadet Fred thinks Tony sucks ass as a replacement for Ryan and wants to beat the shit out of him for just sucking at life?” Tony’s all, “TONY NO THINK HE SUCKS ASS!” and runs off to get acting lessons before Cadet Fred can kill him.


Liz finds out that Mark wants to be in the Honor Core because he wants to be a fireman when he grows up and Liz is all, “I’m sure you’ll get in because no plot contrivance could possibly hinder you!”


But, when Liz goes to grade the written tests, she discovers that Mark really sucks ass at standardized tests, which may prevent him from getting into the honor core. So Liz randomly decides to help Mark by changing his test answers, and here’s the problem with this scenario: Liz has so little established characterization outside being attractive to Ryan that it’s not quite clear if this is out of character for her or not. So, yeah, just the fuck out of nowhere we have Liz cheating for a guy even though she’s usually the voice of reason for the group because we needed someone to be the instigator of this shitty plot and why not Liz.


Meanwhile, Maria and Katie find Cadet Fred and tell him that Tony’s been talking smack about his ability to play checkers, so Cadet Fred finds Tony and tells him that he’s going to give him the beating of his life…at checkers, because, you know, being threatened by a psychopath who’s soon going to be responsible for the lives of countless individuals in L.A. is just hilarious! Tony figures out the girls set him up and is all, “TONY NO DO A HAPPY IN HIS PANTIES!”


Meanwhile, Eric finds out he didn’t make the Honor Core because Mark did better than him on the written test. Liz tries to apologize to him and tell him the truth, but there’s no time for that because he’s off to sulk. See, the Honor Core get to go out and get actual fire training while the rest of the cadets stay behind and do office tasks. I’m really confused why the students would get high school credit for doing clerical work and shit, and why there’s a class where three simultaneous assignments are going on.


Yeah, now Screech is in the kitchen with Magnum feeding him random food. Jesus Christ why am I supposed to take him seriously as a character.


Mr. Belding comes in to make a sandwich and, after Magnum steals his meat and cheese, Mr. Belding finally figures out that someone else is in the room hiding on the other side of the table. Mr. Belding scolds Screech for fucking with Magnum after he was told not to, but, once again, doesn’t take advantage of this to fire Screech for his gross incompetence. Instead, Screech convinces Mr. Belding to help him sneak Magnum back in his cage before Sergeant Meinhart discovers he has an idiot on is property. Because Mr. Belding has lost the last of the dignity his character once had, he agrees.

Naturally, Sergeant Meinhart comes in while they’re sneaking Magnum back in. Mr. Belding hides behind a cabinet, but I dare you to guess where Screech hides.


Yeah, I’m not even kidding. He hides in a dog cage, and Sergeant Meinhart doesn’t realize he’s there, right in front of his face, until Magnum gets out because Screech is incompetent at shutting cages. Apparently Sergeant Meinhart is at the academy and not on street duty because he has vision problems. In any case, Sergeant Meinhart tells Mr. Belding and Screech that Magnum has a performance test in the morning and better not fail because Screech is a moron. At least Dustin Diamond got valuable experience about what it’s like to be in a cage. He’ll need it later in life.


While doing clerical tasks, Nicky and Eric figure out that the answers to Mark’s test were changed by someone, and they start suspecting Liz may have had a hand because shut up.


Liz and Mark come back from a date, where Mark, whose actor is twenty-four, kisses Liz, whose actress is sixteen. He immediately runs off so the audience can throw a fit about them reaching first base and the plot can continue.


Eric confronts Liz and she admits she changed the answers. Eric tells her to fuck off and get off this show if she can’t do anything constructive on it!


In the dining room, Maria gives Tony his birthday present: a football autographed by Joe Montana. But Tony is all, “TONY ACT STUPID NOW AND WRITE ALL OVER FOOTBALL BECAUSE TONY BELIEVE MARIA STILL TRICKING TONY!” Maria’s all, “What the fuck is wrong with you, you third-rate replacement for blonde protagonist! That’s a $200 football!” Tony realizes he’s just acted like a jackass and collapses to the ground, crying that he ruined his precious Joe Montana football. And thus ends that subplot that served no purpose other than to give Maria, Katie, and Tony something to do. Yeah, they won’t be in the last five minutes of the episode.


Have you ever noticed that, when Liz is upset, she makes a face like a Cabbage Patch Doll and sounds like someone trying to fake cry so people will believe them? Well, I just did, and it’s because she’s upset that Eric won’t talk to her. She keeps apologizing, but Eric quotes a Justin Bieber song to tell her to fuck off. She tells Nicky she wishes there was something she could do. Nicky tells her she could do what we know she’s going to do by the end of the episode anyway: confess to Sergeant Murphy. I mean, how could the episode not end like that? She’s all, “Sergeant Murphy could expel me and Mark could get kicked out of the Honor Core!” but Nicky’s all, “Don’t be stupid! No one ever suffers any real consequences for their actions on this show!”


So, yeah, as predicted, Magnum fails all his tests, and Sergeant Meinhart is pissed because this means Magnum is unsuitable to be a police dog even though it’s obvious he’d had next to no training if one day with the world’s biggest idiot turned him into a lap dog rather than leading him to chew Screech’s face off. Mr. Belding convinces Sergeant Meinhart that Screech actually did him a service by showing how much of a softie Magnum is. Screech’s reward for being a moron is that Magnum gets to come live with him rather than go to the pound. I wonder if that’s also punishment for Magnum being a bad police dog? I mean, living with Screech does sound like a terrifying prospect!


So, yeah, big surprise, Liz confesses everything to Sergeant Murphy, who’s all, “I could expel you for this, but, because you’re sorry and all, I’ll just make a notation in your school record because I somehow have that ability and demote you. Oh, and no college credit for you!” She removes Mark from the Honor Core and puts Eric in instead.


Also, Mark’s pissed and says he can’t date Liz any longer because he’ll never appear on this show again. Gee, Liz’s consequences were she doesn’t get to do things that will never be brought up again. How surprising that being sorry makes everything okay.


And, yeah, she makes up with Eric, saying she never could have imagined that cheating for Mark would hurt him, which makes her a complete sociopath as, even if it didn’t hurt Eric, it would have hurt someone else in her class. She’s glad that this whole episode hasn’t ruined their friendship even though I’m having trouble remember a previous episode where they had significant interaction. And the episode ends with me in shock and awe that I’ve just witnessed what may be three of the stupidest plots in the history of this franchise. This may even be worse than Screech bringing a tiger into Bayside. At least Mr. Belding told him to get it the fuck out right away!

The New Class Season 7, Episode 4: “The Captain and Maria”


Just when you were hoping this could be the season without any away from Bayside episodes other than the obligatory mall episodes, this piece of crap comes along. Yes, welcome to the police academy arc, because if there’s ever something I wanted to see, it’s these fucking morons learning how to be cops, as if cops need any more bad publicity today. Also, I’m pretty sure firefighters receive very different training from cops and would not share an academy, but what do I know; I’m just a bitter internet reviewer who’s been watching way too much of The New Class.


We open with the girls arriving and talking about how excited they are to finally be here, even though they’ve never talked about having any interest in this shit until they found out it was yet another way to get school credit without going to school. I’m beginning to think our six idiots are going to graduate without even knowing how to tie their own shoes, and Maria will have it worse since she’s been doing this stupid shit since season three. Of course, Liz is only there because she hasn’t been touched by anyone except an emotionally abusive guy since Ryan’s been gone so she wants to see some hot, shirtless, police guys.


She won’t be seeing that in the male idiots, who have the unreasonable demand they shouldn’t have to carry the girls’ suitcases just because they’re too lazy to do it themselves. Slackers! Don’t you know you’ve got to work it if you want a very special episode on losing your cursed virginity!


Mr. Belding and Screech are soon brought in by Cadet Fred, a recurring character in this arc who actually makes Screech look intelligent by comparison, disturbing me that this guy wants to carry a gun in the Saved by the Bell universe. He thinks two random men loitering around teenagers is suspicious, but Mr. Belding soon clears it up by saying they’re school administrators during the rare time they’re actually at school.

Randomly, we find out Maria’s father is the police captain at the academy, a fact that’s never been mentioned before, and, suddenly, he’s also a neglectful father as Maria never gets to see him and is looking forward to spending time with him in lieu of doing actual school work. Seriously, I don’t get how learning to be police officers can earn you school credit.


Sergeant Meinhart, who’s in charge of the cadets, comes in to meet the group, and quickly puts Eric in line, telling him to stop being a useless character who only gets to do shit they don’t want to give to the other characters. Sergeant Meinhart tells them they get to attend a banquet honoring Captain Lopez this week, which you would have thought Maria would have mentioned. Turns out he’s being honored for making this the best police academy in the country by Who’s Who in American Police Academies. It may not exist but it’s better than the zero explanation the show gives on the award.


Sergeant Meinhart mentions that the entertainment for the banquet fell through, and this gives Screech an idea since there’s really no other reason for him and Mr. Belding to be there other than to do stupid shit that makes no sense. In this case, Screech is going to do magic for Captain Lopez because the writers want me to cry softly into my pillow at night as I realize there’s still nine more episodes of this stupid show left.


And meet Captain Lopez, who reminds Maria that hugs are for criminals and shit. Maria asks her father out for lunch, which he accepts, and Maria can’t stop gushing about her father as Eric makes jokes that make Carrot Top look funny by comparison.


In the mess hall, a pretty blonde police woman asks Sergeant Meinhart for volunteers to help out in the mess hall for Captain Lopez’s banquet, and the boys’ penises immediately go off at the prospect of being in the immediate proximity of a pretty woman who knows how to use handcuffs. Because they’re breathing, they’re good enough for her!


And Captain Lopez suddenly doesn’t have time to eat with Maria because he’s too busy with work because it’s completely reasonable to be disappointed your father has to work at work rather than spend time with you.


As if to top off the head shaking stupidity of this episode, Screech manages to switch a pair of trick handcuffs for real ones, locking Mr. Belding and himself together. Rather than admit he’s hired a complete moron as an administrative assistant, Mr. Belding decides to pretend everything is okay for most of the rest of the episode.


In the kitchen, the boys’ penises are excited to be working with a pretty woman, with Tony even bringing her a flower, suggesting this arc may be taking place before he and Maria dated.


But, oh, hilarity of hilarity, they’re actually being supervised by Officer Barry, who’s breaking the laugh-o-meter because she’s masculine and tough! Oh, Peter Engel, it’s nice to see you falling back on old stereotypes and cliches for your jokes once again! Also, it appears Officer Barry is able to psychically communicate what the three will be doing in the kitchen as she tells them to get to work and they automatically know what to do!


In self-defense class, Maria instantly knows how to do Judo flips because that’s something worth getting high school credit for! vlcsnap-2016-09-20-17h27m32s758

Eric’s not so good at it, though. Also, I include this pic because I can’t believe the producers didn’t even try to cover up the fact Anthony Harrell got a tattoo. It’s quite obvious, too! I’m quite shocked they didn’t make that a very special episode.

Katie turns out to be really good at Judo because she’s used to flipping Nicky around and shit, and gets enthusiastic praise from Captain Lopez, while Maria just gets a “nice job!” Maria tries to get her father to stick around until she can get a gold star, but Captain Lopez has to go do some work at work! How horrible a person!


Maria tries to get a training dummy to touch her in a way Tony never could and is interrupted by Liz, who suggests she ask Captain Lopez to help her with some self-defense moves.


Mr. Belding and Screech try to find a key that will open their handcuffs and are interrupted by Cadet Fred, who’s still harassing them for no reason. This is what we call police harassment. When Screech knocked the keys over, they just take a random handful of keys, hoping that contrivance will lead one to be in the batch that will open the handcuffs and god this may be their stupidest subplot yet, even worse than Screech bringing a tiger into Bayside.


In the kitchen, the boys make some really bad food in hopes Officer Barry will reassign them, but she says this subplot isn’t through with them yet and she’s just going to have to kick their asses until they learn to cook.


In the mess hall, Captain Lopez is happy Maria wants help with self-defense and assigns Katie to help her because he has an actual job to do. She’s all, “This is stupid because I came here just to spend time with my father!”


Maria decides to get revenge by throwing a party in their rooms. You might ask why it’s egregious for the extras to have a party off hours but I’m more worried about why the producers think  police cadets spend the night in the academy. Their idea of police training came straight out of the Police Academy movies, didn’t it? Katie and Liz tell Maria she has to cut out this shit…


…but Captain Lopez, who apparently also lives at the police academy, comes in before the shit can be cut out. Maria admits it was all her, getting Katie and Liz out of trouble, and, after they leave, Maria tells her father he’s a doo doo head who’s a meanie head because he won’t spend time with her at hi work.


Meanwhile, Officer Barry loves the boys even after they rig revenge on her because they finally made really good food and shit because that’s the only way this stupid subplot could have ended. I think she even tries to feel up Eric’s nipple. Well, that was a complete waste of time.


Speaking of wastes of time, Screech is an idiot with magic…


…and causes the killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail to bite Mr. Belding’s nose, ending yet another humiliating subplot for Dennis Haskins.

Meanwhile, Maria’s mad her father won’t talk to her about the party incident right when he’s about to be called up to a banquet in his honor to give a speech.


Seeing Maria sulking, Captain Lopez abandons his own banquet so his selfish ass daughter can pretend there’s been some sort of moral in this whole stupid episode. He apologizes to Maria for being a neglectful father, and our episode ends with the two embracing for the future of this arc. What the writers don’t seem to realize is they never addressed the real problem that Captain Lopez is sleeping at the academy and neglecting his home while Maria apparently is such an idiot she doesn’t realize a person’s work is not the best place to spend quality time with them. Of course, given that Mrs. Lopez and Tino nowhere to be seen at the banquet, it could be that Maria’s home is much more dysfunctional than originally thought as it seems no one gives a shit about this award but the Bayside gang!.

Firsts: Bayside Police and Fire Academy, Captain Lopez, Sergeant Meinhart, Officer Barry, Cadet Fred.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 3: “ME TV”


Our episode opens with Eric pacing the floor at The Max and holding an envelope. What could he be so nervous about opening you ask? College acceptance papers? SAT scores? Something else? No, it’s from a record label who actually took the time to listen to his demo tape and is writing to say he sucks ass. In what’s becoming a running theme the last two seasons, a character starts saying insensitive shit that makes the character feel worse, in this case, Liz reminding him that Michael Jackson was a superstar by the time he was Eric’s age. I’m not sure if the writers think that a character being a jerk to another character is funny, but it just comes off as uncomfortable.

Maria comes in to give some exposition about a contest to make a video about Bayside. Turns out the winner wins $1,000, and everyone wants to participate except Eric and Liz because they’ve been partnered for a science paper and presentation that counts for half their semester. Cue a little violin here.


Meanwhile, Screech plays chess with Jason Voorhees. No, seriously, that’s the guy who played Jason Voorhees in the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th. Please let him be here to kill Screech! I’ll give my very soul for Screech to die before this season is up. But, no, providing fuel once again for agnostics and atheists everywhere, they’re just in a really tense game, during which Screech knocks over a milkshake and refuses to clean it up because I guess Jason Voorhees cheats at chess. In the process, Mr. Belding comes in and slips on the spilled milkshake because, if there’s one constant on The New Class, it’s Screech finding new ways to injure Mr. Belding.


In the hallway, Maria, Tony, Nicky, and Katie start making their video, which includes a boring interview with Miss Bickle about her suck ass cockroach carnival, don’t ‘cha know! After she’s done drowning on, Nicky thinks their video sucks so far, and Eric comes around to agree with them that they’re never winning that $1,000.  Eric tells them the video needs to actually be exciting and not put the audience to sleep, which makes a light bulb go off over Tony’s head. “TONY THINK VIDEO SHOULD HAVE MUSIC LIKE DA NA NA NA!” he says. The others try to convince Eric to do it since he knows the most about music, unlike Maria, who only knows how to play guitar, sing, and write songs. Eric doesn’t want to at first…


…but his own delusions of becoming rich and famous and having Tyra Banks fuck him win over, and he decides he’ll work something out with Liz so he can use this video to convince all the music producers they were wrong about him and shit.


In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding’s ankle is sprained from the fall, which means he has to be in a wheelchair for a week, which I find unrealistic because, if the sprain was so bad he needs to be in a wheelchair, he would be in it a lot longer than a week. Screech insists on helping Mr. Belding some more which, as usual, involves slamming Mr. Belding’s injured leg into shit because I’m not so sure Screech isn’t trying to kill Mr. Belding.


At The Max, Eric gives Liz a sob story about how he really wants to make an awesome video about Bayside, and she’s so effected by his obvious treachery that she agrees to take on some more of the responsibility for the project.


Which is a good thing, because their backup was to have Tony play the accordion, because bad acting characters playing unpopular instruments is hilarious with the kids apparently.


Eric tells the others that he’s now available for the song, and they rejoice they never have to listen to Tony sing again. He plays a tape of him singing and they all agree to go along with it even though it obviously has nothing to do with Bayside and is a love song to a girl but who the hell cares about making sense at a time like this! He also convinces them to film at the pier instead of Bayside because…I don’t know. I think the other characters gave up trying to figure this episode out, too.


During the commercial break, Liz was apparently able to do quite a bit of research for the project, even though it’s obviously the same day since they’re all still wearing the same clothes, which makes her whining later in the episode seem quite superficial since this is obviously the easiest project ever. She asks Eric what he’s accomplished for the project, and he tells her it’s been barely a minute and she should just back off and let him get on with his plot while she goes and films for The Bold and the Beautiful.


In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech continues causing pain to Mr. Belding because he’s a fucking idiot. He also leaves Mr. Belding in the middle of the hallway during a fire drill because fuck Mr. Belding if the school is on fire. Seriously, I think Screech is trying to kill Mr. Belding. He’s only saved by a random extra in a wheelchair who agrees to show Mr. Beldings some moves.


At the pier, which is obviously just a redress of the Eiffel Tower set, again, Eric’s brought in some dancers from Valley to dance behind him…


…but he’s disturbed that Tony saw a squirrel or something and just started filming random shit instead of Eric, and he tells them they need to do the video over and tell the idiot camera operator to have a focal point. You know, I’m supposed to think Eric is a jerk here, but I get his point. Why would you just start filming random shit while someone’s singing?

Also, this may be the worst song Eric’s sang since the gangsta rap episode.  Ninety percent of the lyrics are him singing, “I turned around and you were gone!” I’m not even sure there are verses to this song. Just him singing the same thing over and over again. The songs that are played in the Engle-verse.


Back at Bayside, Screech continues trying to injure Mr. Belding. Not content to merely cause him pain, though, Screech invents a remote controlled wheelchair for Mr. Belding…


…which proceeds to set Mr. Belding on fire. I continue to maintain that Screech is trying to kill Mr. Belding.

In other news, Maria, Tony, Katie and Nicky watch the video that Eric edited for them and pretty much figure out Eric was just making a music video for himself. I guess there were still going to be interviews and shit. The worst part is this is a non-issue. Eric could have easily edited together a version for the four to enter the contest first and then edited a second version for his music video, but we need conflict and Eric has to look like a jerk so we have this version. And, yes, Eric was a jerk, but the other four were incompetent and never going to win the $1,000 because, despite Maria once hosting a school television show, none of them have any clue about what makes a compelling video.


At The Max, Eric meets with a record producer who tells him his video sucks ass and he should be in touch with him again if he ever finds his talent. Dejected, Eric realizes this plot has had no purpose.


But Liz is pissed at Eric now, too, because he hasn’t done shit for their presentation, and she’s reduced to a hand puppet instead of a scale model of a dinosaur. What the hell was this presentation about? I’m pretty sure they would have had in class time for this. She also finds out he lied to her and promises to help her with the project starting now but doesn’t know how to hit the reset button with the rest of the gang.


Mr. Belding continues struggling with shit from a wheelchair, and we finally get our big takeaway: Mr. Belding learns shit around Bayside is still hard for people in wheelchairs, and Mr. Belding swears to the random extra who seems to serve no other purpose than to be a plot device that he’s going to make some changes to make Bayside more accessible. Because that’s our big takeaway from this episode: being disabled is hard. Never mind nothing was shown indicating that until eighteen minutes into the episode. Never mind the only thing Mr. Belding had trouble with, besides Screech trying to kill him, was getting a drink from a water fountain. Mr. Belding now understands how hard people with disabilities have it because he’s been in a wheelchair for a few days.

The New Class, you can fuck off.


Let’s just resolve all this shit. Eric and Liz call the rest of the gang together.


And Eric’s big plan to get the others to forget any of this episode ever happened is to show edited footage of him being a jerk to the others, although I’m not sure why this footage exists except to continue pointing out the incompetence of the gang for wasting film running the camera randomly in a pre-digital era. But it’s enough for the others to forgive Eric and tell him that all is back to normal. And the episode ends with me questioning how much worse this season is going to get before this god damned series is finally over.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 2: “Prescription for Trouble”


We open in the hallway where Tony’s all, “TONY WRITE POEM FOR MARIA’S BIRTHDAY BECAUSE TONY DEEP INTELLECTUAL IS!” And it turns out Tony’s deep contribution to the canon of poetry is a tome comparing Maria’s eyes to a football that makes Brian’s love poem to Rachel back in season two seem like the sonnets of Shakespeare by comparison.  Eric’s all, “Your poems suck almost as much as you do. Let’s rip off a Saved by the Bell plot and get a shady adult who likes hanging out with kids to sell you some real cheap jewelry for her instead!”


Meanwhile, the swim coach is concerned that Katie’s time was off today. She denies anything is wrong, but turns out her shoulder was hurt during practice. Liz, Maria, and Nicky pressure her into seeing a sports medicine doctor and she’s all, “Anything to get you off my case and move the plot along.” Also, why are they still having swim meets if the championships were last season? Is this another out of order episode?


In the world of our incompetent adults, Screech notices Mr. Belding’s in a foul mood while carrying a ton of shit around.  In his office, Mr. Belding snaps at someone on the phone, and I’m willing to bet he’s stressed out from straightening out all the shit that Screech messed up last week as acting principal. Screech is going to make Mr. Belding have a heart attack one day!


Screech’s solution is to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s stress to feel him up under the guise of giving him a massage. This is the only possible reason I can see for this as Screech claims he’s been taking classes via correspondence course on massage, but I find it hard to believe a person could learn much about massage from a correspondence course. How do they grade you? Based on what you tell them you’re doing? Mr. Belding makes the mistake of complementing Screech on his sexual advances, and this suddenly gives Screech a big head and makes him think of ideas for the subplot this week.


At The Max, we meet Big Al, The New Class‘s answer to Gem Diamond, and I’m pretty shocked and not shocked at the same time that the writers of this show missed that South Park created a character around this same time named Big Gay Al. Maybe this is Big Gay Al if he was a Miami Vice snitch. There’s a quick line about how Big Al used to weigh three hundred pounds and how he lost it through the miracles of diet soda, and I’m wondering if there’s a joke in there I’m supposed to be laughing at. Seriously, anymore this is most of what The New Class is: someone says something random and the audience finds it hilarious. The only thing missing is comedy.

In any case, Big Al sells Tony a fake diamond look-a-like for $30, but Tony’s all, “TONY HONEST LIKE ABE AND TELL MARIA DIAMOND BE FAKE!” Big Al’s like, “What the fuck ever.” But he doesn’t go away. Instead, we can clearly see him having lunch with Tony and Eric in the background as we pan to the next table.


Katie’s back from the doctor and tells Liz and Nicky that she has tendinitis. The doctor prescribed pain killers for her and told her not to swim for a few days, but Katie’s freaked out about wanting to win the swim meet against Valley, I assume because Liz just had a freak out episode about winning last season and can’t freak out again so soon.


Back at Bayside, Screech advertises his new massage business out of Mr. Belding’s office, and Eric asks him if Mr. Belding’s really okay with this shit. Screech is all, “Mr. Belding doesn’t not know!” and moves on so Eric can move on with his subplot as Screech feels up Eric under the guise of giving him a massage.


Tony gives Maria her necklace, and she’s amazed he bought this for her, assuming he’s working triple shifts at The Max to afford it, even though this would mean he would have to skip school and wouldn’t have time for his second job at the movie theater. Oh, Maria. Use some common god damned sense. Tony’s about to tell her the truth about the necklace, but she just keeps gushing and gushing to the point Tony let’s her walk away after the audience gets a chance to lose their shit over a kiss.


And Katie tells Liz and Nicky the pain killers are making her shoulder feel better so she’s going to swim and shit. Liz and Nicky think this is a very bad idea, but Katie’s determined to push the plot forward so we’re going to get what we’re going to get.


And, it turns out, after swim practice, Katie did better than Liz or Maria today and is gushing with pride, or high as fuck. Whichever is the case I’m not sure, but Liz and Maria are still concerned about Katie and shit.

And Maria shows off her necklace to Liz as Tony goes to tell her about the necklace. She can’t stop gushing, and he’s soon convinced by Eric not to tell her it’s fake as fuck.


Mr. Belding finds out Screech is operating out of his office and is pissed as fuck that Screech is doing this instead of his fucking job, and even questions why Screech is such an idiot so often, which I agree with him on. I mean, I’ve been saying that since season two, but you’re the idiot who keeps putting him in charge of shit. Screech gives Mr. Belding another massage and that’s all it takes to convince him to drop all protestations against a massage business in his office. Oh, Mr. Belding. If you want Screech to touch you, I’m sure he would with or without a teenager touching business.


In the hallway, Katie’s upset that she can’t get a refill on her prescription without seeing the doctor because he’ll find out she hasn’t been resting her shoulder. Geez, you took all your painkillers that fast? You are an addict, Katie! Nicky’s all, “If you really feel better, what the fuck is wrong?” And Katie’s like, “Nothing. Just moving the plot along.” As soon as Nicky’s gone, Katie goes to Liz, who had the same prescription not long ago, and convinces Liz to give Katie her stock of painkillers.


Maria freaks out because she’s lost Tony’s fake diamond so, knowing Eric is friends with the person Tony bought it from, she asks him to help her buy a replacement lest she continue to freak out and shit.


So Eric gets Big Al to sell a fake diamond to Maria but charge her $100 so she won’t know it’s fake. As soon as Eric is gone, though, he charges her $200 instead.


And Katie’s freaking out on Nicky and random waiters as Liz brings her the painkillers, and Nicky tells her he’ll have nothing to do if she suddenly has a freak out because she’s become an addict.


And Mr. Belding discovers Screech has taken too many liberties as usual and has turned his office into a full spa and shit. I wonder where he got the money to get all that shit. Screech tries to spread some mud on Mr. Belding’s face, but he won’t be fooled this time and tells Screech to get the fuck out.


At the swim meet, Maria’s lost another necklace, which really makes me think she shouldn’t have any jewelry. Tony’s all, “TONY BUY CHEAP FAKE NECKLACE FOR MARIA!” Eric admits Big Al ripped her off and says he’ll get her the money back, and Maria pushes both Tony and Eric into the pool as revenge for stressing her out over the necklace, because, somehow, Eric being a party to Maria getting ripped off is Tony’s fault. Believe me, I don’t want to defend Tony, but they just wanted an excuse to get Tom Wade Huntington wet, didn’t they?


Screech reveals he’s given up massage and is now taking a correspondence course for acupuncture as he proceeds to stab Mr. Belding in the back quite literally. Why someone would trust Screech with sharp objects is beyond me.


During the relay, Katie’s arm goes out. Yes, no drug freak out for The New Class like “Jessie’s Song” that might make this episode so bad it’s good. We just have Katie briefly drowning before Nicky jumps in fully clothed to rescue her since none of the people standing around in swimsuits could be bothered.


Katie admits to the coach and everyone else what she did and even throws Liz under the bus for good measure because Katie just sucks as a human being this episode. She apologizes for using drugs in lieu of getting better and pushes the reset button so all is forgiven. With that out of the way, Nicky makes a tasteless joke about getting to be in the girls’ locker room, because what I think of after a near drowning is getting to see boobies. As Nicky walks out of the locker room, our episode ends with all the girls giving each other knowing glances about Nicky wanting to see their lady parts as I cringe and wish this series was over already.

The New Class Season 7, Episode 1: “Show Me the Money”

I never thought this day would come. The first episode of the final season of The New Class. I’ve been reviewing this fucking show for nearly three years. Three years of my life on this garbage, and it will be over in thirteen episodes! It’s like that feeling when you’ve been constipated for days, but your suffering is finally relieved by a less than satisfying bowel movement. I can almost taste the end of this bloody awful mess!

So, as long as they confine this season to the second semester of the gang’s senior year, I’m okay with the artificial division between seasons six and seven. Let’s see how well they do!


We open to meet the boy’s business teacher, Mr. Schecter. Obvious Mr. Tuttle rip-off is obvious. Turns out the boys have a business class assignment to pick a stock and follow it as if they’d invested in it. They’re to team up, and the winning team gets to skip Mr. Schechter’s first test, which is incentive enough for our idiots. Oh, yay. We’re ripping off a Good Morning, Miss Bliss plot, and it’s one of the bad episodes. Boy, this season is off to a good start! Nicky, Eric, and Tony all decide to team up since they’re the only ones in Mr. Schecter’s class who get credited for their appearance.


The writers decide to deliver the other half of the main plot in the most awkward way possible by first having the girls talk about raising money for the class trip fundraiser and then having Mr. Belding and Screech come up to tell them he’s already made a decision that they can have a car wash for their class trip. So many questions. Like why does Liz get to go on the class trip when season six implied she was a year younger than the rest of them? Or why are we doing yet another fundraiser episode? Or why do I keep expecting The New Class to have things like consistency or compelling plots?

But the biggest problem: why are we just now fundraising for a class trip at the beginning of the spring semester? I have a feeling I’ll have my answer in a couple minutes.

The boys aren’t initially interested in participating in the car wash, but Mr. Belding tells them they’re not repeating that plot from season five so they better work or no class trip! Also, Mr. Belding keeps randomly sneezing. Believe it or not, this matters to the episode.


At The Max, the boys try to decide what stock to invest in. Tony’s all, “TONY EAT HEALTH BAR! TONY LIKE HEALTH BAR! TONY GIVE ERIC IDEA TO INVEST IN HEALTH BAR COMPANY!” And they do, because, despite Nicky’s initial feeble protestations, they’re not about to do anything that’s not going to let them finish this plot in twenty minutes.


The girls, meanwhile, try to decide where to go on the class trip, with San Diego and Palm Springs being finalists, the latter in the hopes they can rip off yet another original series episode before this show ends. Naturally, the boys think with their penises about the possibility of seeing the girls in bikinis, blah, blah, blah, heard this a thousand times before.


At the car wash, the boys don’t have much fun, mainly because they’re all washing cars in their school clothes and probably soaking wet.


Screech comes out and acts like a dumb ass, spraying Mr. Belding with a bunch of water when he attempts to wash Mr. Belding’s car. But what else is new? Screech has been with this franchise for twelve years and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber.


After a day, the boys are ahead in the class project. How surprising. Could this episode be any more cliche?

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding now instantly has a fever from the car wash shower, so he does perhaps the stupidest thing he’s ever done on this show: he goes home sick and puts Screech in charge of the school. Once again, this is not how this fucking works! A vice-principal or principal designate would be placed in charge, someone who actually has a teaching and administration degree, not a fucking dumb ass who, by all appearances, never even graduated college but dropped out to be an administrative assistant! But why would it surprise me that the writers have no idea how school administration works on a show about school!


Suddenly, Screech realizes he’s been left in a job he’s totally unqualified for, and he does his best impression of Beaker from The Muppet Show.

In the fundraising subplot, the car wash only raised them $400, which I’m surprised the writers aren’t trying to pass off as enough to send them to fucking Bermuda or something. But they actually have a sense of money this time and know that’s not enough for a class trip, so the girls are depressed that this is the first time a fundraising effort has not been successful. As such, they can only afford a day trip to Magic Mountain, and the girls give Nicky the money to buy the tickets because he’s suddenly class treasurer even though it hasn’t been mentioned before.

Also, it appears as if Tony and Maria aren’t dating anymore as she gives him the stink eye when he tries to hug someone. Yes, this episode, chronologically, belongs in season six before Tony and Maria were dating. Congratulations, show. I gave you one more chance to prove yourself and you blew it the very first episode of the season.


Yes, you can predict the rest. Eric and Tony get the idea to invest the $400 into the health bar company, and they convince Nicky to do it by insinuating he might get some poon tang from Katie.


At The Max, Tony finally gets his hug as the boys discover their money’s doubled thanks to the stock. Now’s the point when the writers have no clue how much money trips take as the boys think $800 is enough to send their entire class to Palm Springs. Oh, The New Class, you’re so cute when you try to sound like you know what you’re talking about! Wait, no you’re not! You’re awful and I want the show to end!

They decide to keep the investment a secret from the girls and Nicky wants to sell the stock, but they discover it’s doubled again and Eric and Tony want to leave it in so they can take a trip to Acapulco. Nicky’s trying to be the voice of reason…


…but he’s convinced via a dream sequence that Acapulco is sure to get him some hot Katie action…


…so he’s suddenly all about making this plot move along.


In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech can’t even manage to sit in Mr. Belding’s chair correctly and falls onto the desk. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get a concussion.


Screech gets his first “challenge” as principal when he has to decide what to do about this student who’s broken his leg and wants permission not to participate in gym class. Screech, being a complete moron, thinks this is a difficult problem and can’t figure out what to do…


…so he calls Mr. Belding at home, who tells him to fuck off and quit calling him, so Screech just tells the poor extra to play soccer in gym with his good foot. Way to go. Predictably, Screech has already placed Bayside in possible liability should something happen in class.


The boys are Screech’s next visitors, who want permission for the Acapulco trip. Now what’s Screech’s response you ask?


Why he brings them and the entire marching band into Mr. Belding’s bedroom to dance around and generally annoy the shit out of him. Why, at this point, Mr. Belding doesn’t call up the superintendant and ask him to get someone competent in there I don’t know, but Mr. Belding just tells Screech to fuck off and make decisions on his own, as if Screech is a child who can’t decide which pair of underwear to put on. Come to think of it, that probably is a daily dilemma for Screech.


Back at Bayside, the boys finally tell the girls about Acapulco, and they’re all pissed off the boys risked their money even though each of them have done stupider shit during their time on this show. They tell the boys they better be glad there’s not still seven minutes left in this episode for a third act and rush off.


Mr. Schecter comes out and exposits to the boys about how the FTC recalled the health bars because they have no health benefits. Add FTC procedures and regulations to the list of things the writers have no idea about. In any case, the stock’s worthless in the Saved by the Bell universe and the boys have lost all their money, in case you didn’t see that one coming.

At The Max, the boys try to think of what to do about the money and decide they could still go to Magic Mountain since the girls were pissed about the idea in the first place.


But the girls suddenly love the idea of Acapulco, so the boys decide to do something to make enough money for Acapulco.


Their brilliant idea is to sell fake autographed sports memorabilia, but they’re quickly found out and and the tell the girls the truth. Everyone goes to start a riot, and Screech is the only one who can stop it so, under normal circumstance, this would mean Bayside is burning down, but it’s convenient to the plot this time so the gang just go in Mr. Belding’s office.


In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech instantly figures out how to solve the problem of the money: loan the class $400 from the school fund so they can go on the trip. So Screech can’t figure out what to do about a broken leg and gym class but he can figure out what to do about embezzled money? God I hate this show.


Screech puts on his best James Bond villian face and tells the boys that, not only are they returning the sports memorabilia money, but they’ll be missing the school trip so they can work to repay the school fund…


…which lands them back washing cars, and ending the main plot.


Mr. Belding’s back and tells Screech he’s impressed that he was able to solve such a difficult situation when Mr. Belding thought Screech would just staple his eyelids shut in a fit of stupidity. Screech is all egotistic now that he acted as principal for an episode and hoping that something happens in about ten more episodes so he can be principal for good despite that not being how shit works. And our episode ends with Screech getting Mr. Belding’s foot run over by a car because I would not be surprised at this point if Screech got Mr. Belding killed before the end of the season.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 13: “Season Greed-ings”


Ah, yes, one more mall episode for the season, with Liz explaining that she’s convinced every store in the mall to donate ten percent of their holiday sales to some charity for underprivileged kids, or at least that’s what Katie exposits they are since the dialogue on this show sounds like nothing any kid has ever said. Yes, welcome to our final Christmas episode on this show, and boy is it a doozey, making me wish for the good ‘ole days of clip show Christmas episodes. But there’s no time for thinking about that because Liz continues that the employee who makes the most sales wins a $500 mall gift certificate.

Now I was going to point out all the flaws in this plan, like that an employee of Gadgets and Gimmicks is more likely to win than, say, an employee at the movie theater concession stand since Gadgets and Gimmicks sells higher priced items, but Eric does it for me, pointing out that a pet store isn’t the most likely place to win such a fucking rigged contest. Liz, of course, responds by saying, “Sucks to be you!” and encourages everyone who’s not Eric to do their best and totally not become spoiled greedy bastards.


As everyone else scurries out to win this contest, Maria recruits Eric to help her win the gift certificate so she can buy a new watch, which I find highly unbelievable because it means this episode is implying Tony knows how to tell time.


Meanwhile, in our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot, Screech has quite literally fallen in love with a chess computer Gadgets and Gimmicks is selling and, rather than actually work, he brings it to the food court to play. This angers Mr. Belding since this is the one specific thing he asked Screech not to do, leading me, once again, to ask how he has a fucking job! Any of his fucking jobs!


In the hallway, Katie uses her feminine wiles to lure nerds to join the gym because she learned nothing from unwanted sexual advances a few weeks ago when it happened to her.


And Nicky and Tony convince Screech to go see Sludge Monster in the theater because I guess that counts as a sell and shit.


Maria has Eric sing a song about eating snacks at the Teen Machine and, because this mall has the most easily impressed patrons in the world, good singing makes all the patrons instantly run into the Teen Machine as if Eric is the Pied Piper of shitty mall clubs. When Eric suddenly realizes his voice is like capitalist voodoo, he decides it should be used towards getting him the gift certificate.


At Gadgets and Gimmicks, Screech chases a customer off rather than sell her the chess computer because Screech just sucks at life and, once again, should not have a job. Any job. Mr. Belding misses this termination worthy exchange and sends Screech to the back to find a toaster or some shit, and sells the chess computer while Screech is gone.


Naturally, this makes Screech freak the fuck out and act over-dramatically as if Mr. Belding just sold Screech’s favorite sex toy. God this show disturbs me sometimes. Seriously every scene with Screech this episode, my jaw just drops to the floor…


At PetZilla, Eric uses his musical wiles to convince people to buy hella lots of lizards and shit, because Eric singing is enough to convince a random mother that lizards are the best shit ever. We also find out that PetZilla sells rattle snakes, once again, leading me to question whether the writers understand the difference between a pet and a potentially lethal animal.


Maria’s none too happy about Eric’s decision to use his voodoo for himself, though, and sabotages Eric’s next performance, because his amp apparently has a setting that makes him sound like a brain dead chipmunk. In the meantime, Liz wanders around pontificating about how great it is everyone is doing shit for the charity and tells Eric and Maria that the others are doing shit too, which they can’t have.


So Eric goes and finds Nicky and Tony giving out random shit to people for seeing a movie, and I’m glad to see Tony’s finally not wearing makeup on set. As soon as they’re gone, Eric makes a small child cry so he won’t want to see the movie, because now I’ll definitely feel sympathetic towards his eventual quest for redemption.


Meanwhile, Katie continues seducing nerds with sex…


…but Maria’s ability to use sex in her advantage trumps Katie’s, and she convinces the guy to come and look at her breasts at the Teen Machine.

Now here’s another problem with this entire plan: none of these stores are mutually exclusive, so there’s nothing to stop this nerd from both joining the gym and going to the Teen Machine if he hopes to have a threesome with Maria and Katie, but I bet this will never be addressed. I bet they also won’t have Nicky and Tony address the fact that their girlfriends are using sex to sell shit.


Back at Gadgets and Gimmicks, the customer who bought the chess computer brings it back and wants it deprogrammed so it no longer talks about the sex acts it wants to complete on Screech. Screech tells him it’s broken beyond repair and tells the guy to leave his address and they’ll send him a refund, which leads me to believe that, in addition to all the other shit the writers of this show don’t seem to understand, we can add refunds at retails stores to the list. Mr. Belding comes out to find the chess computer returned and is shocked the guy returned it since he bought it for a dying father or some shit, leaving Screech feeling constipated judging by the look on his face.


At the Teen Machine, the head of the charity shows up with two underprivileged kids. We’re going to see other poor kids in this episode and I think they all have something in common: the costume designers went out to a random Goodwill and bought whatever old looking clothes they could find in a desperate attempt to make the kids look what they believe to be poor. Seriously, are these two kids Depression-era farmers or what?


But, yeah, in front of the woman, Eric comes in and he and Maria start expositing about all the shit they’re doing to each other to win as Eric releases a rat on the floor to scare everyone out of the Teen Machine.


Then everyone else comes in and starts yelling about Maria and Eric’s sabotage, the charity lady says they’re not going to accept any shit from this mall because of a couple of stupid kids who could just easily be fired if you complained about them, and Liz is left looking exasperated and wondering why she didn’t just go film for The Bold and the Beautiful today.


In the food court, Maria and Eric bicker some more so that anyone who fell asleep during the episode can pick up on the important plot points. Liz tells them they’re fucking stupid and just ruined things for the Joad kids. Maria and Eric decide it’s time to come up with a plan that will make everything okay and hit the reset button.


Speaking of stupid resolutions, Screech finally confesses to Mr. Belding what he did and says he’s sorry he wanted his masturbation fantasy device back. He says he’ll deprogram the chess computer and send it to the customer. Rather than being cause for termination, because Screech, once again, learned not to act like an irresponsible moron as a grown ass adult, everything’s okay now, so of course he won’t lose his job.


At the Teen Machine, we find out Maria’s plan. First she has a bunch more of the Goodwill kids come in and sit on the floor…


…as Mr. Belding and Screech come in dressed as Santa and a very stupid Rudolph.


And the clincher of the plan is that Eric uses his musical voodoo on the kids in the form of his rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which instantly enraptures the kids because they apparently like this more than kid oriented Christmas songs the producers couldn’t afford the rights to.


Eric’s magical musical voodoo works on the president of the charity as well, leading her to declare that, since everyone’s sorry for acting like fucking morons, everything’s okay.


Eric reveals he’s getting his mom a lizard with a big fake horn on its nose, and I feel for the fact there’s a live lizard that suffered the indignity of being on this show. Not since the snake back in season two has an animal had to suffer so much in this franchise.


And our episode and our season ends with Mr. Belding giving out presents to all the kids who were almost screwed out of a happy Christmas by a couple of selfish assholes who will, as usual, suffer no consequences for their actions because that would actually require real, thoughtful writing and shit. And we can’t have none of that stupid drivel on this, the best show in the world ever to star Tom Wade Huntington!

So I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve always said I try to be fair to the producers of this show for things that weren’t necessarily within their control, like out of order episodes. And, yes, seasons six and seven are artificially separated seasons, all filmed for airing in 1998, but broken up in half to give us an extra year of excruciatingly horrible television. As such, I won’t be doing a separate recap for season six, but will wait and recap it along with season seven in January, if for no other reason than I don’t really want to have to analyze Tony twice. So tune in next week as we dive into the last god damned season of this awful show!

The New Class Season 6, Episode 12: “Bye-bye Tony”


We open at the mall and at what’s apparently the newly remodeled  Teen Machine, even though absolutely nothing’s changed and the writers seem to have forgotten that was a plot point a few episodes ago. But no time for that! There are exciting things like photo booths happening at the mall and the gang want to go have their cheap ass photos taken before Screech gets the same idea and breaks the camera!

But Tony’s all, “TONY NO LIKE CAMERA! CAMERA STEAL TONY’S SOUL!” The gang go to leave without him, but Maria realizes Tony has no soul and stays behind to find out what her bad acting boyfriend is really upset about. And thus we get our real reason why this episode exists as Maria reminds Tony how much they fought when they weren’t communicating back in the first episode. Yes, it’s a fucking clip show episode about Tony, because, if there’s one member of this cast who deserved a clip episode, it’s the one who’s only been on the show twelve episodes and hasn’t contributed anything of value to the show except for one of the worst performances in the franchise’s history.

But, you may ask, how are they going to pull off a whole episode of Tony clips? Are they going to resort to showing his hamster fear subplot?


Why, the answer is they’re not because this is one of the worst clip show episodes in the franchise’s history. See, Mr. Belding and Screech come around and, even in this, they have their stupid subplot. Seems Mr. Belding lost an ugly sweater his wife knitted him and he thinks he left it in the theater, so he asks Tony to come unlock the theater for him because the episode forgot it’s now Nicky who’s assistant manager and not Tony. This gives Screech time to ask Maria why she’s suddenly upset with Tony, and Screech tells Maria all about the time he and Mr. Belding were in couple’s counseling, which inspires Maria to nag Tony some more about why he’s really upset.


Tony and Mr. Belding get back, and Maria is all, “Tony, just fucking tell me what’s going on and get the plot going!” Tony’s all, “FATHER OF TONY WANT TONY TO MOVE TO SAN DIEGO WITH FATHER OF TONY I AM ACTING!”


But the rest of the gang sans Liz come back with their exciting stupid photos. Where’s Liz you ask? Apparently she’s still in the booth making faces at the camera because suddenly Liz is the most easily impressed person on the planet. I sure hope the real reason Liz keeps randomly disappearing this season isn’t that she got another job on a better show and so the writers had to keep coming up with lame excuses for her to go film.

But enough about Liz because, if the writers don’t give a shit about her, why should I? No, the real story is the rest of the gang’s reactions, and Tony reveals he doesn’t want to leave because it’s the only major role he’ll ever have on television. Of course, their stupid solution is for Tony to tell his father all about Maria because a forced relationship should be enough to convince anyone, and also we need a setup for another clip. Also, Katie randomly remembers about telling Jack to quit trying to sexually molest her, but Tony’s all, “FATHER OF TONY NO LIKE INCEST!” After all, why not just show lots of clips unrelated to Tony in an episode about Tony. He’s at least in the background of that one.


But never mind that! Mr. Belding’s still looking for his sweater! But he and Screech find out what’s going on and they decide to tell Tony about firing Mr. Klopper because they want to hammer home how unjust the world is that Mr. Klopper no longer has a job and Screech does. Tony decides to tell his father how he feels.


We finally meet one half of the couple who unfortunately produced Tony, and Tony chickens out on telling his father because we haven’t filled the running time yet, so instead they compare methods of drinking milk out of the carton as they go off to work. No joke.

After a commercial break, Tony comes back to the Teen Machine, reporting in his usual bad acting that he just couldn’t tell his father. Maria reminds Tony that hiding his feelings will only cause problems so the writers can have an excuse to show another clip.


But there’s more important things going on, like Liz is done filming The Bold and the Beautiful for the day so she comes back to stand in the background for the rest of the episode. Seriously, why’d they even put her in if that’s all they were going to do. And Maria coaches Tony on how to talk to his father.


In case you gave a shit about the bad sweater subplot, Mr. Belding and Screech find Tony’s father with the sweater, having found it on a bench or some shit, and I think it’s implied Tony’s father used the sweater as a cum rag or something. Tony sits down with his father and is all, “FATHER OF TONY, TONY NO WANT TO MOVE TO SAN DIEGO BECAUSE GIRL MARIA MIGHT GIVE HIM SOME POON TANG ROLL CLIP!” And we proceed to watch all about how Maria helped Tony quit cigar smoking. In case you were worried about the dangling plot thread that Tony’s dad smoked cigars, too, we get a throwaway line about how Tony helped his father quit smoking.


Tony’s father is impressed how good of a group of friends he has that helped him quit smoking through guilt and shame and says he only wants what’s best for Tony, which I highly doubt since I have a feeling it wouldn’t look too good for a student to be in two high schools during their senior year, but let’s not think of random shit like making sense if the writers don’t give a shit!


And our episode ends with our assembled characters thinking their lucky stars that they get to have fourteen more episodes with the only character who could possibly give the fake Swiss guy a run for his money in terms of bad acting.

Seriously, this might be the worst clip show of the bunch. There’s one more next season. Unless that one’s really bad, I’m going to call it for this one.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 11: “Loser”


We’re back to one of the staples of this show, fundraising episodes! Yay, I missed them so much when they were only marginally used in season five. I hope we can see a stupidly themed dance to go along with it that makes me think no one involved has any common sense.


We open in the hallway with Eric interviewing Liz and Katie for the radio station about how super dee nervous they must be to be competing in such a major competition and shit. And Eric must think he’s working for the television station because he keeps making visual references as if his audience can see what the fuck he’s talking about. This proves, once and for all, the writers of The New Class don’t understand how television works.


Maria already got knocked out so no one gives a shit about her, but she’s planning the dance for Friday night to raise money for “all of them” to go cheer the swim team in Sacramento. What, is she raising money for the whole school since all the extras cheer, or is it just the gang who get this special treatment as usual? In any case, the boys are fucking sick of selling tickets because it’s not wild and crazy and exciting stuff, because that’s what I would think selling tickets would be. Frankly, if they thought selling tickets and serving on a committee was going to be exciting stuff, they’re even dumber than the writers of this episode.


Remember Mr. Klopper, our old janitor from season five’s “Secrets and Liz” who’s actually the on-set teacher for the cast? Well, he’s back, and our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot is all about how he’s not doing his fucking job because he’s old and shit so Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of firing him. Oh, the irony of Screech firing anyone.


At The Max, Liz tells Katie she can go practice and shit because she sucks, but Liz doesn’t need to practice because I guess when you’re awesome, you don’t need to practice.


Meanwhile, Maria’s entire dance committee sucks and quit after they can’t even agree on the time of the dance because they wear too much make-up. Because women be wearing too much make-up, right guys? This leaves Maria with no choice but to allow the boys to plan the dance because they need something to do this episode.vlcsnap-2016-08-22-18h11m38s202

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech has a hard time firing Mr. Klopper because he’s old and friendly and shit. Instead, he gives Mr. Klopper an unauthorized raise. I’d suggest they take it out of Screech’s paycheck, but his wages are probably being garnished for every other bat shit crazy thing he’s ever done. I would say he’s just being emotionally manipulative to keep his job because he knows he just sucks ass, but that would conflict with what actually happens in a minute.


At the swim meet, Katie wins her event, so Liz congratulates her.


But then Liz loses the race, leaving her in disbelief that she’s now a loser! And here I thought the title was going to refer to our resident dumb ass.

Now let’s analyze this for a minute: last season Liz’s father was concerned that she wasn’t getting enough practice to be an Olympic hopeful, but backed off so she could have a life. In that time, she’s dated Ryan and an emotionally manipulative guy, traveled around the world, and held multiple jobs. In addition, she’s cocky enough that she didn’t practice. I’m going to make the leap that Liz being on this show has destroyed her swimming career. Mind you, this isn’t a leap the writers would make or else the episode would go very differently.


At Bayside the next day, Liz is still in denial that she suddenly sucks ass. Maria and Katie have to pound into her that she really does suck ass and actually lost. Liz has trouble dealing with being a loser and nearly throws a hissy fit about not winning her third state champion ship.


In case you wondered what the boys were up to, they’re busy fighting over the theme of the party. Eric wants to recycle the Hawaiian luau theme while Nicky wants to recycle the ’50s sock hop theme and Tony wants to recycle the western theme. I think those might be the only three themes these writers can think of because they’ve all been used in previous episodes.


When Mr. Belding finds out Screech couldn’t bring himself to fire Mr. Klopper, he goes to do it himself but soon finds he can’t do it either because Mr. Klopper is old and nice and shit. Instead, he appoints him vice-president of maintenance shit because that doesn’t sound at all like a made-up title, even without my sarcasm.


Liz continues having trouble dealing with being a loser, finding herself having trouble concentrating on her school work. She utterly loses it when a random girl walks in just to tell Katie how awesome she is for winning.


That night, Liz has a dream where the writers have decided that, instead of going with the pink-framed dream sequences the franchise has used the last ten years, they’re going to fill Bayside’s hallway with a pink fog because it’s close to the end of the series and they just want to do random shit at this point. In the dream, Maria and Katie get Liz a sweatshirt with a big L on it for “loser.”


And the boys reveal they came together to make the theme of the dance how much Liz suck, which would be a theme I could get behind if you switch Liz with Tony.


Even Mr. Belding and Screech show up to tell Liz how much she sucks, and you know you’ve fallen far when Screech is telling you how much of a loser you are.


And we fade away from the dream with everyone pointing at Liz and yelling, “Loser!” because The New Class has just utterly destroyed Liz’s life.


At Bayside, Screech discovers that Mr. Belding couldn’t fire Mr. Klopper either and has been cleaning for him to cover for him. They decide to just fire him together since Screech’s idiocy and Mr. Belding’s apparent growing senility will be no match for Mr. Klopper’s ability to look as cute as a newborn kitten.


The boys all try to decorate the gym for the dance theme they’ve chosen. Since this has barely been touched on, they all get mad that they’re all acting like idiots, including Tony, who picks up a coconut and throws it at Nicky’s jukebox, yelling, “TONY LIKE WEAR CHAPS! TONY SMASH OTHER IDEAS!”


But they’re interrupted by Liz, who comes to tell the gang she’s decided to leave Bayside because she, too, has realized that The New Class is ruining her life. The others try to tell her she’s not a loser, but they do about as convincing a job as Screech when he’s pretending to be a responsible adult.


So it’s Mr. Klopper’s birthday and his wife brings in a cake that she later says she’s going to cut. Interestingly enough, the actress, if you want to call her that, playing Mr. Klopper’s wife is the actor’s real life wife. I guess they felt like, at the end of the franchise, they owed her something for the trauma of having to listen to this guy’s stories of Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Dustin Diamond all these years.

Anyways, the cute old age stuff nearly prevents Mr. Belding and Screech from being able to fire Mr. Klopper again, but Screech just does what he does best and yells out random stuff, which happens to sound like, “Mr. Klopper is fired.” Mr. Klopper is all, “Thank god! One more episode on this show and I might have been considered a recurring character!” He gets the fuck out of there, never to be seen, happy that his life isn’t being ruined like Liz’s.


Speaking of Liz, after the boys apologize for being idiots in their subplot, Maria and Katie reveal that Liz cleaned out her locker. Mr. Belding comes up and finds out what’s been going on while he’s been immersed in the cuteness of little old men.


Mr. Belding finds Liz by the pool, who tells him she’s quitting swimming. Mr. Belding tells her all about how his dream was to be principal of Bayside, because that’s everyone’s dream, right, and how he didn’t get the job the first time he applied. This convinced Liz that The New Class isn’t screwing up her life and she should give it another try, at least for fifteen more episodes, and she says she’s sure she’ll be great next year! I don’t get it. Are they suddenly implying Liz is younger than the rest of them and not graduating next year even though she’s been taking the same classes as the rest of the gang? My brain hurts!


Oh, joy! This makes the entire episode: that we got a stupid dance idea: a combination western, luau, and sock hop, because combining three things this franchise has already done several times before makes them new again and shit!


Liz shows up and apologizes for acting like a cry baby that she believed this show was ruining her life. All is forgiven, the rest button is pressed, and our episode ends with Liz assuring them there will be lots of swim meets in season seven for her to redeem herself and shit.

Was that the most meta episode ever?

The New Class Season 6, Episode 10: “Free for All”


We open with most of the gang bemoaning their gluttony and Nicky wanting to work out but Katie reminding him he let his membership expire. Maria points out she’s given free shit while Eric wants to give out free rats. Don’t worry: none of this has anything to do with the rest of the plot, but the writers just thought they would throw some preachy shit in for shits and giggles.


No, the real start of the plot is that Tony’s looking for a job. Yeah. Not even an explanation on how this one’s actually going to work, but I’ll get to that more in a few minutes. Also, apparently Petzilla may or may not sell poisonous snakes because it’s a great idea to sell deadly animals to people as pets. Come on, writers, I know you were going for a cheap laugh, but, if it’s something a five year old could figure out is wrong, maybe you should make your jokes more realistic.


In our subplot, Liz’s boss puts her in charge of…the mall walkers. Fucking hell, why do mall walkers need a babysitter? Are they from the Alzheimer’s unit of the nursing home or something? I don’t understand this subplot at all, and it won’t become any clearer the longer it goes on.


In our bumbling idiots subplot, Screech is suddenly shy around women despite the fact that, if anything, he’s always been overconfident and in contradiction to the fact that he’s dated multiple women on this show, starting with his second fucking episode! But, no, we need something stupid for our adults to do, so Mr. Belding decides to set Screech up with yet another pretty girl who is way outside Screech’s league. This one is a customer at Gadgets and Gizmos named Kathleen who seems a bit creeped out by Mr. Belding but sticks around because the plot tells her to. But Screech is unable to ask her out, freezes up, and says the pretty girl made him wet his pants.


Also, apparently the pretty girl is a shoplifter because Mr. Belding and Screech are standing at the cash registers at this point and she totally doesn’t pay for the shoes Screech was just helping her try on. So far, this episode is feeling even more phoned in than usual.


At the movie theater, Nicky finds out he’s being promoted to weekend manager…again. The old weekend manager quit, which means Nicky gets to start the job immediately without even being an option of declining the promotion. As his first action, he hires Tony to replace him as an usher because Tony is all, “TONY USHER AS GOOD AS TONY ACTS!”

Now I need someone to explain to me how Tony will juggle his two jobs, school, position as quarterback on the football team, his relationship with Maria, and whatever other shit this show decides to get him involved in before the end of next season. Seriously, I need to know who the dumb asses are who seem to have no concept of the fact there are only twenty-four hours in one day. Maybe the sleep deprivation episode should have been about Tony.


Meanwhile, the mall walkers think Liz sucks ass so, as soon as her back is turned to them, they run away from her as fast as possible. This means that she has to spend the rest of the episode finding them because I guess grown ass women can’t do shit for themselves. Good thing Maria isn’t doing anything else this episode so she goes to help Liz find where they’ve gone, because they obviously have to still be in the mall and couldn’t have left.


Screech asks Kathleen to lunch and she says yes so he celebrates this as a win given that he never gets to date pretty women on this show.


And Katie congratulates Nicky on his promotion while Eric takes advantage of the awkward moment to give Tony some lovin’, because I guess his type is bad actors. Nicky says this means he gets to let all hi friends into the movies for free and, given Katie is taking over the role of mothering nagger, she’s all, “Responsibility and shit,” but he’s all, “I know what I’m doing!”


At the theater, Nicky and Tony are enjoying their new job so much they let a ton of people in for free. But their boss comes back and discovers there have only been three tickets sold all day, so, since Nicky’s a complete dumb ass and didn’t think that this may be an issue, he has to think of a plan to keep her from discovering everyone in the theater. How is he going to do this, you ask?


Why, he’s going to make the popcorn machine explode so that, while she’s trying to fix it, he sneaks everyone out the fire exit. After seeing how their popcorn machine works, I’m not sure I want to get any concessions from this theater. Whatever happened to the good old days when one of Mr. Belding’s many failed businesses provided yogurt for the theater?


Liz’s boss comes looking for the mall walkers and she’s all, “They’re in the bathroom.” He walks away, thus making this subplot, once again, meaningless.


At Gadgets and Gizmos, Mr. Belding teaches Screech how to do a terrifying puppy dog face to make Kathleen want to give him some poon tang.


Naturally, this leads Kathleen to the same question I had: whether Screech is about to throw up or not. After he basically high fives Mr. Belding and says he’s getting some tonight right in front of Kathleen, she says she’s sick of being the latest stupid pretty girl who thinks there’s something attractive about Screech and runs off.


Nicky and Tony relate their close encounter with unemployment to Katie and she gets preachy again for a minute. He’s all, “Nothing could possibly go wrong at the sneak preview tonight because lots of people are going to be there,” so he tells Eric his plan to let him and some extras in for free is a go.


But it turns out that half of Bayside’s extras want in, including this guy who Nicky doesn’t even know, but the guy tells Nicky that his dad, the director, let him in. No, seriously, this is Miguel Higuera’s son, Ethan. I guess it’s a good thing because his acting sure isn’t getting him a job anytime soon. Even worse than Tony’s.

So, yeah, the sneak preview is sold out, meaning some customers don’t have seats and come out to complain. They rush off to another theater without even demanding a refund, and Nicky tells his boss, “We just wanted to give our friends shit for free! What’s wrong with that?” She tells him he’s an idiot and is fired and to take his little blonde bad acting friend with him.

Yeah, Nicky has to be the stupidest person on the face of the planet at this point to sell every ticket in addition to letting a bunch of people in.

The mall walkers subplot is now in full ridiculous mode as Liz and Maria stayed the entire night in the mall looking for the women because I guess these women have ankle bracelets that won’t let them leave the fucking mall.


They show up, saying they had a slumber party in some random department store’s bedding department, and I’m guessing this is official proof the writers have no clue how shopping malls, in addition to high schools, work. Liz says she’s sorry for treating three grown ass women like children and says she promises to plan fun activities for them and shit. Um, they’re fucking mall walkers. Here’s an idea: LET’S LET THEM WALK THE FUCKING MALL!


Katie gets to gloat in her “I told you so,” moment as Nicky laments that he acted almost as big a moron as Screech this episode. Nicky says he has three minutes left in this episode and wants to make it up to the manager who just fired him for being a dumb ass, and gets an idea how to fill up the other theater, which is showing a bad film.


Mr. Belding apologizes to Screech for giving him bad advice that Screech would inevitably interpret to make even worse, and Screech decides it’s time for Kathleen to meet the real him, which I’m sure is going to make her run far, far away. He passes by Nicky and Tony passing out fliers for the movie, which instantly makes everyone, including Screech, want to see it because we’ve only got two minutes left in this episode and we’ve got to resolve it fast.

At the theater, Screech apologizes to Kathleen for being a complete fuck up and she says she’s glad she’ll never appear on this show again, like most of Screech’s love interests.


The manager is shocked Nicky and Tony were able to fill up the theater and he tells her how sorry he is that he’s an idiot and he’s learned the very valuable lesson he’s sure that all kids tune in for: that giving away shit for free on the job is wrong. The manager says that, since the writers don’t understand how theft of services work, she’s going to give Nicky his job back, and Nicky gives Tony his job back. And our episode ends the reset button pressed as it hurts my brain how much nobody working for this show understands how anything works! Seriously, have these writers never had any real world experience? Nicky’s lucky she didn’t call the police or press charges against him for loss of ticket sales! But this is the franchise that thinks doing caffeine pills is on par with cocaine so I don’t know why I expect any different.

The New Class Season 6, Episode 9: “Mind Games”


We open at The Max, where Maria rushes in to declare she’s suddenly on the swim team just like Liz and Katie! This serves absolutely no purpose in the rest of the episode other than to give Maria a reason to be pissed about what follows, but, hey, let’s just put all the girls on one sports team just like we randomly put all the boys on one team!

Also, if Maria just came from tryouts, why wasn’t Liz, the team captain, there? I get that the writers of this show don’t understand how high school works, but they could at least pretend!


For the first time this season, the episode revolves around Liz and how this guy named Travis asks her out because her vagina is feeling lonely since Ryan moved away. She’s insecure, though, because she’s only had one boyfriend even though we’ve clearly seen her with other guys this season, but to hell with continuity, right?


In our subplot, the boys find a bracelet on the table that looks like it came straight from one of those gaudy dealers at a flea market. I guess Tony’s continuing his theme of not doing his job very well. Tony decides to hold onto the bracelet in case the owner calls.


And, in our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot, Screech has fucked up and lost Mr. Belding’s speech to the school board because of course he did. What else do you expect when you put Screech in charge of something? He also forgot to tell Mr. Belding that the meeting was moved to two hours ago. Mr. Belding says he’s sick of Screech fucking up even though he passed up a perfectly good opportunity last week to fire him, and says he’s going to make Screech go to a seminar on efficiency instead, as if Screech can be taught anything to do with competence.


Liz and Travis go to see a movie that’s apparently about a dog running away because it’s in a movie being featured on The New Class. While Maria and Katie listen in on the two like a couple of crazed stalkers, Travis whispers sweet nothings in Liz’s ear as he tells her how awesome her hair would be if it were like the woman in the movie we can’t see or hear. Also, we find out Liz is suddenly shy to give public displays of affection in public even though she did so with Ryan about a thousand times.


Tony comes in the middle of the movie and starts talking real loud about the bracelet. “LADY CALL TONY! LADY SAY BRACELET BELONG TO HER! LADY SAY SHE GIVE TONY MONEY TO BRING BRACELET BACK!” Surprisingly, no one in the theater seems upset about Tony’s bad acting in the middle of the theater and Nicky says he’ll bring the bracelet by since the woman’s house is near his.


Back at Bayside, Screech is wearing a suit and walking like John Cleese from Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks. Yes, an efficiency seminar is all about dressing in suits and deciding you don’t want to be called by nicknames in the workplace. Well, I’ve been questioning since day one why Screech isn’t Mr. Powers on this show, but the writers want him available to be the seventh member of the gang when convenient to the plot. And he starts his efficiency bullshit by saying Mr. Belding should send a fax instead of attending the basketball tryouts because that makes complete sense.


Nicky tells Eric and Tony that he delivered the bracelet but declined the reward money because plot. Of course, I’m sure it was going to be like a nice shiny quarter since the bracelet didn’t look like it was worth shit, but let’s pretend they could have actually got some money out of it. But Nicky has a new leather jacket, which immediately leads to speculation that Nicky stole the reward money.


Liz reveals her new fashion sense is based on Fran Drescher because Travis loves it and shit. Travis does, indeed, love her hair and convinces her to blow off a swim team meeting at lunch to go to the beach with him. The audience sounds like they don’t know how to respond to these events, uttering noises that make me think they want to lose their shit but aren’t sure if it’s appropriate to the intention of the scene.

After a commercial break, we get a nice recap in case we fell asleep over the last ten minutes. Tony finds out Katie bought the jacket for Nicky for his birthday, but Eric says Nicky’s birthday was three months ago so they decide he’s a big phony, a big, fat, phony. Meanwhile, Maria and Katie are pissed at Liz for skipping the swim team meeting, Travis convinces Liz they’re just jealous that she gets to have the hanky panky with him and then manipulates her into kissing him in public.

One thing to note is that every scene between Liz and Travis in this second half is creepy as fuck. He’s beginning to sound like the villain from a slasher film. Even the audience seems to be completely in the dark about how to react as there’s a very distinct lack of emotions coming from them as they watch this, like they can’t figure out whether to like Travis because he’s doing almost identical stuff to what Zack Morris once did or hate him. It’s very awkward.  But we liked Zack Morris because he was Zack Morris so I guess we’re supposed to hate Travis because he’ll never be on the show again.


In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech won’t let Mr. Belding eat his lunch because it’s not efficient. If I were Mr. Belding, I’d kick Screech in the fucking balls and be done with it, but Mr. Belding just sighs and accepts his fate in life like a good peon who’s not got much time left on this franchise.


Travis delivers a fake note to Liz to give him a chance to manipulate her more into doing shit he wants to do instead of what she wants to do. An important note: this teacher is Miss Bickle, who is played by an actress that has already portrayed two other teachers, two mall patrons, the voice of a robot, and a voice at mission control, all since season two, and will still play another mall patron before the show is over. This actress gets around. Peter Engel must have had the hots for her. She’ll actually play Miss Bickle in a few episodes over the next two seasons so this is technically her first regular role on the series.

Also, why is Miss Bickle talking about the Jurassic Period if shit about Albert Einstein and relativity is written on the wall behind them? Come on, writers, you need to communicate better with your prop people!

Travis asks Liz to go out again tonight but she says she needs to get some extra sleep so she’s ready for the relay. He’s all, “Do what I want! Do it! Do it! Do it!” and she’s all, “I guess I don’t need to be in the relay since I’m supposed to be manipulated by you even though I’m usually a stronger character than this on the show. I’m so confused by my inconsistent characterization!”


And Screech has a new plan to eliminate horseplay in the hallway: give the students like ten seconds between classes to get to class, because that wouldn’t actually do the reverse of his plan and throw off efficiency by making students not have time to get shit from lockers or use the restroom or shit…

Mr. Belding realizes what I did five seasons ago: when you put Screech in charge of anything, it’s sure to go wrong because it’s Screech. Now fire him and get it the fuck over with.


In the gym, Eric and Tony act like fucking idiots around Nicky and, as he’s walking away due to the sheer stupidity of their stuff, he overhears them give some exposition about how they believe he stole their reward money, and walks away pissed that he’s the butt of yet another stupid subplot.


Liz reveals to Maria and Katie that she’s dropping out of the relay and they say that if Travis cared about her, he would let her do the things they think he should do and not the things he wants her to do. Liz walks away, convinced that Travis was right about their desire for his penis.

After a break, Liz overhears Katie and Maria very loudly thank a random girl for filling in for Liz.  They talk about how they can’t believe Liz is doing shit, leaving Liz looking like she’s constipated and running for the restroom.


Nicky puts a revenge plan in motion, pretending like he bought a new boombox and that he’s going to treat them to lunch at The Max.


And Mr. Belding concludes the other subplot by telling Screech that, now that Bayside is so efficient, he’s going to fire Screech and shit. YES! DO IT! Screech freaks out and tells Mr. Belding that he can’t fire someone who’s so lovable.


Unfortunately, this is Screech’s lovable face, which I’m sure I will soon have nightmares about. Screech learns his lesson that there’s a balance between efficiency and bat shit crazy and we conclude that subplot, unfortunately with Screech continuing on the show.


Eric and Tony join Nicky at The Max to find out he’s bought lots more shit, and they freak out on him about it. Nicky reveals he went to the trouble of borrowing all of that stuff to get back at them for being stupid enough to believe the bracelet would be worth that much money. Turns out Katie’s poor and shit so it took her three months to save up for the jacket, and this subplot ends with vows to communicate with each other, which I’m sure all three will follow to the end of the series.


Travis tells Liz he bought tickets for Pearl Jam on Saturday and tries to convince her to skip a swim meet. He tries to tell her she never does what he wants and finally goes off on him, telling him that he’s a disposable one-shot character and needs to get the fuck off this show while her swim career will continue for the rest of the series when it’s convenient to the plot.vlcsnap-2016-08-08-19h41m38s92

Maria and Katie come in and Liz takes advantage of the last thirty seconds to hit the reset button, apologizing for all the out of character shit she did this episode, and our episode ends with Liz begging the girls to help her get her hair out of that stupid style.

Firsts: Miss Bickle.