Category Archives: The New Class Season 2

The New Class Season 2 Recap

Good lord this season was a train wreck from start to finish. Where do I even begin with what’s wrong with this season that makes the first season seem like fucking Shakespeare by comparison?

On a side note, someone asked on a post early this season if the writers did anything following The New Class. The short answer is, according to IMDB, most of them didn’t work again after this show. This is no surprise to me. These people can’t write to save their lives. They’re hacks to the nth degree and how they kept this show going as long as they did is beyond me.

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Let’s start with the chemistry between the cast. Yeah, what chemistry you may ask? At least the season one cast members all interacted with each other on a semi-regular basis. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember Brian and Lindsay interacting this season. Tommy D didn’t interact with Rachel often and only talked to Megan when she gave him a boner briefly in the ski lodge episodes. They acted like they barely knew each other, and that’s a problem when we’re supposed to believe that these six people are best friends.

Let’s add in the fact that Rachel and Bobby were retconned in as long time friends. Where were they all last season? It’d be easy to say that the first season has been retconned out of existence, but “The Class of 2020” used clips from the first season, including one that showed Weasel. What’s more, in her single appearance in season one, Rachel didn’t act like she really knew the gang at all.

And the timeline of this season is just baffling. In “The Return of Screech,” it’s clearly established that Rachel is dating David but Brian wants to date Rachel. Rachel dumps David and starts dating Brian during the country club episodes. Screech also starts dating Alison during this arc. It’d be easy to say that these episodes happened in between seasons two and three, but, suddenly, around halfway through the episodes, Brian and Rachel are suddenly dating in the school episodes and Screech references Alison. Also, Lindsay and Tommy D break-up during episodes where Brian and Rachel are dating, despite the fact they were still dating during the country club episodes. To throw one more wrench in, Screech has his first evaluation, which is said to take place after his first semester, during an episode where Brian and Rachel are dating, thus meaning that my head is hurting so bad trying to get my head around when all this fucking shit is supposed to take place.

The answer is: god if I know, and I doubt the writers could have told you when it was all taking place either. But this season has much bigger problems than simple continuity and believability, my friends. This season has some of the worst characterization I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to witness.


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What I learned this season is that, if your spin-off of a popular series is tanking, the best thing you can do is to bring back the most annoying of the original cast members and center the show around him. Yes, The New Class has officially become The Screech Show. The show is now about Screech finding his way as a Miss Bliss figure at Bayside, if Miss Bliss had been born brain dead and without any redeeming qualities. The show now resembles Good Morning, Miss Bliss more than it does Saved by the Bell as it’s now about the adults and not the kids, something Peter Engel always claimed was unique about Saved by the Bell. Several times, the main plot of the episode was about our adult characters, and the gang were background characters, not integral to the main plot a all.

This is especially evident during the Goodbye Bayside two-parter. The second part could have been done entirely without the six kids. In fact, the second half pretty much was. The audience is having so much of an orgasm attack over Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa being back that there’s no reason for anyone but Mr. Belding and Screech to even be there. So, they put the gang behind a curtain and then give them a minor role in singing the school’s song. Whereas some episodes of Saved by the Bell, such as “The Fabulous Belding Boys,” focused on the adults, they did so through the eyes of the kids, always filtered through their perception. Now, it doesn’t matter anymore because the adults really are all that matters.

The writers can’t seem to decide what to do with Screech, either. There are episodes where he’s basically a seventh member of the gang. There are also episodes where he’s supposed to be a responsible adult dispensing sagely advice for our regulars, which are the times I find Screech on this show the least believable. Let’s not pretend: the real reason he’s around is that the producers hoped Dustin Diamond’s return would mark a return of the fan base from the original series, something that was never likely to happen.

vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h57m09s109So let’s talk about our other adult cast member. Mr. Belding this season seems to be there for the sole purpose of being a foil for Screech. His boundaries with the kids are worse than ever and he takes them on trips to a ranch and a ski lodge, something that may be questionable whether it’s actually allowed. He’s also their boss all summer at the country club, once again questionable, but I’ll talk more about the country club episodes in a minute. Mr. Belding is no longer the lovable, fallible principal guiding young minds into adulthood. He’s now a laughable buffoon slowly losing his sanity to Screech’s idiocy.

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Talk about a character the writers didn’t seem to have a clue what to do with. In the season one recap, I said Tommy D exists for three purposes: to be Scott’s foil, to be Mr. Belding’s mechanic, and to be Lindsay’s boyfriend. Well, Tommy D was certainly not a foil this season with the departure of Scott and they got rid of the third trait this season, which leaves him only as Mr. Belding’s mechanic. How dignified that Mr. Belding uses free student labor. Tommy D spends most of the season solely defined as Lindsay’s boyfriend. The odd thing is that the writers would every once in a while add random traits to Tommy D for no discernible reason. They made him Bayside’s star football player despite establishing in season one that he hates sports. They made him a good singer…because they wanted to rip off “The Glee Club” a second time and had no one else to do it with. They made him a passionate crusader for saving the school because…plot. With Tommy D and Lindsay broken up, I really don’t have any clue what they’re going to do with him in season three.

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Speaking of useless, Lindsay easily wins the award for most pointless character this season. When she isn’t fawning all over Tommy D like he can do no wrong, she’s making light of anorexia and getting drunk. The first half of the season, it felt like sbe didn’t do hardly anything but hang off Tommy D’s ar., especially in the country club episodes. This is because she’s solely defined by the men in her life, as evidenced by her jealousy over Megan and Tommy D potentially getting together. She’s also more than willing to forgive Tommy D being a stupid whore fucktard, and does so in one fucking episode. Yes, they managed to make “The Aftermath” seem believable by comparison. About halfway through the season, it was kind of like the writers realized, “Oh, shit, we haven’t done anything with Lindsay yet!” and so we got the stupid anorexia episode and the breakup with Tommy D, because there’s no better way to revitalize an underdeveloped character than to get rid of the one thing that defines her. They also randomly give her Jessie and Kelly duties, such as being president of the student council or a cheerleader, when the episode dictates, which makes no sense because it just makes me realize how little I actually know about Lindsay.

vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h03m23s239Megan doesn’t do a whole lot this season, either. Since she’s no longer running from Weasel, she occasionally has one of Jessie’s quasifeminist rants to deliver, and she sometimes finds a guy hot, but that’s about it. Really, I can’t think of much she does this season other than date guys and rant about the beauty contest at the country club. It’s a shame: Bianca Lawson is actually the best actress out of all these fucktards, and she could have easily done a lot more had the writers bothered to flesh her character out. Instead, she just feels like she’s there because we needs six characters by tradition.

vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m01s81Good lord, where do I even begin with Rachel? I don’t get why the writers brought her over from season one at all. Every characteristic they developed for her this season just made me question what we learned about her in her single appearance during season one. They unintentionally turned her into a giant whore, not only because she cheated on David with Brian in the country club episodes, but because her dating David means she was cheating on David when she went on her date with Scott last season. And, really, what else is there about her? The writers occasionally try to insert glimpses of Lisa’s fashion taste, but it seems almost forced and like a footnote. She sometimes is a cheerleader, other times not. She’s a complete idiot and doesn’t realize when Brian is helping her cheat. Could the writers turn her into a more unlikeable, unbelievable character?

vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h26m53s184Turning Bobby into the bullied wimp in place of Weasel was a complete mistake from the beginning. It was not in keeping with any of his other characteristics: his confidence, his moral code, his compassion for others. I don’t think the writers even knew quite what to do with him. There was no real reason for Megan to reject him constantly as she did with Weasel. You couldn’t make him into a stereotypical geek like Weasel and Screech were. Thus, the worst geek quality we get out of Bobby is his love of singing. Oh my god! How horrible! He likes to sing! Give him a swirly now! It’s sad, because for a character doomed from the beginning to fail, Bobby actually had one of the most likable moments for any character from this season: when he anonymously gave Megan his tip money so she could win the tip contest. In addition, the attempt to retcon him as an unseen part of the gang in season one just makes the others seem…shallow.

vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h58m53s95Oh, I’ve saved the worst for last. To give you an idea of what’s wrong with Brian’s character, let’s go on a brief tour through the other characters who have fulfilled the blonde leader protagonist role in this franchise (Scott is an honorary blonde protagonist because he filled the role).

Michael no“Hi, I’m Michael. I might have only appeared in one episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss, but that episode established that I was rebelling because I was seeking attention following the death of my brother. I might have acted like a douche, but it was because I was unhappy with my life and searching for some validation for my existence.”

vlcsnap-2014-10-24-13h19m21s103“Hi, I’m Zack Morris. I act like a real ass sometimes and it can be very fulfilling to see me fail because of it. In the end, though, I come through for my friends. I’m very loyal despite my flaws and would rather lose some pride than lose a friend. I’m also surprisingly insightful at times when people need advice, and I have the awesome ability to freeze time.”

vlcsnap-2014-04-01-00h21m38s109“Hi, I’m Scott. I started out a huge unlikeable selfish douche, but something funny happened during my short time on The New Class: I actually received character development and became likeable. I had a consciousness and everything! Before I was dropped from the show, I was learning what it was like to be a part of a group and actually became one of the stand out characters from the first season.

vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h56m03s122Now Brian.

“Hi, I’m Brian! I’m Swiss and I like Rachel!”

Yes, in twenty-six episodes, all I can really say for sure about Brian is that he’s Swiss and he likes Rachel. There are occasional glimpses throughout the season of the writers trying to make him more of a Zack Morris character, but it always falls completely flat because that’s not who he is. After he gets together with Rachel in the country club episodes, I think he very easily could have been dropped from the show with no adverse effect. He’s that superfluous. While the other five have at least a definable personality, Brian is a robot. A walking, talking, Swiss, Rachel liking robot. Why even create a character if they’re going to have less characterization than the Care Bears? And I’m not even convinced he’s really from Switzerland. He’s supposed to be an exchange student but his sister has an American accent! He’s almost like one of those bad James Bond villains who’s obviously trying really hard to be believable but completely failing at the task.


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Now one thing that needs to be mentioned about this season was how much of it was spent away from the school. A staggering eleven out of twenty-six episodes are featured away from Bayside. Most prominent was Palisade Hills Country Club, obviously supposed to be a rip-off of the Malibu Sands episodes from Saved by the Bell. The disturbing thing is that, unlike episodes of Saved by the Bell that took place away from school, all eleven episodes this season featured the adults, Mr. Belding and Screech, because the show is now about them. Why a school principal would need a summer job (when he’s supposed to be at school working!) is never explained. Equally baffling is the willingness with which the parents of our gang seem willing to just let them randomly go off to exotic locations with their school principal.

“Sure, I’ll let you go off in the mountains with your school principal! That doesn’t seem creepy at all!”

On top of all this, we were expected to just go along with the country club episode after having seen the new cast in action for all of one episode. Part of why Malibu Sands worked is because we had two years of the same cast and so we knew the dynamics of the characters. The New Class introduced three new cast members and immediately threw us into the country club episodes, which felt confusing and off-putting. The whole season was handled horribly, but the country club episodes just seemed confusing at a time when the writers should have been focusing on establishing character for our new cast rather than focusing on a summer vacation before the school year ever got started.

I already mentioned how poorly integrated these episodes are with the Bayside episodes. I don’t understand why the writers felt like the way to attract more viewers was to just throw as much at the show as they possibly could, hoping a core viewership would magically emerge.


Now it’s time to say goodbye to half our cast…again. Once again, I’d like to say why they departed, but there’s not much information available on this show as people stopped caring about it almost as soon as it aired.

Leaving this show may be the best thing Bianca Lawson ever did. After she left the role of Megan behind, Lawson scored regular roles in the shows Goode Behavior and Pretty Little Liars, as well as recurring roles in Sister, Sister, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Steve Harvey Show, Dawson’s Creek, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, and Witches of East End. She’s, without a doubt, the most successful former cast member from The New Class. This may seem baffling but she did come from an acting family. She continues to act to this day, showing why sometimes quitting your first job may be the best thing you ever do.

Christian Oliver has become a fairly successful German actor, appearing in a shit ton of movies and shows you’ve probably never heard of unless you live in Germany. I’ve not seen any of them, so I can only hope his acting in them is better than his acting in The New Class was. He continues acting to this day.

Spankee Rodgers appeared as an extra in a couple episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. After that, he dropped off the face of the planet. No one seems to know what’s become of him. About all that’s certain is that he left the entertainment business, which may be the result of being scarred on this show. Wherever he is, I wish him luck and success.


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With five more seasons of this show to go, I’m sure it will find a way to keep going downhill, though it’s hard to imagine at this point how they could possibly get worse than season two was. This show is a train wreck. It’s utterly contemptible and, yes, it is much worse than Full House. The fact that this lasted as many seasons as it did, with four of those season logging twenty-six episodes each, is insulting, especially when you consider all the good shows that are cancelled after one season. There’s a special place in hell for the television executives who kept renewing this show. I hope it’s a spot where they have to watch this shitty show twenty-four hours a day for eternity.


My Picks

Ugh, how do I even pick five episodes above the rest from this season that just stand out in their sheer shittiness? It’s like asking a kid to pick just one toy in a Toys ‘R Us. Okay, I’ll give it a go. Remember, feel free to agree or disagree in the comments below.

Episode 7, “The People’s Choice:” The moral of this story is: don’t put Screech in charge of anything. The fact that Bayside is portrayed as being so incompetent they have no idea how their athletic director is spending money is insulting, and this is where the retconning of Tommy D’s character really begins. Add to this the exaggeration of the importance of the PSAT, and you have a very stupid episode.

Episode 15, “A Perfect Lindsay:” This episode is utterly insulting in its portrayal of anorexia, a real issue among the teens this show is trying to target. Lindsay basically goes from normal to anorexic in the span of a few days, showing that anorexia is as easy to catch as the common cold. Bobby and Megan’s stupid subplot about dancing takes up half the episode so there really isn’t time enough to seriously talk about anorexia even if they wanted to.

Episode 16, “Back at the Ranch:” I debated between this one and “Wanna Bet?” Considering that half this episode is a fantasy sequence about Screech wanting to be a better cowboy than Clint, I’ll go with this one. This episode is about as believable as an episode of Scooby-Doo, after the added Scrappy. The fact that Screech ends up inexplicably being the hero is such a contrivance I dare say Ed Wood couldn’t have done worse.

Episode 20, “Drinking 101:” It was between this one and “The D Stands for Dropout.” Both are episodes that throw every cliche in the book at you to convince you how evil their subject matter is. This one would be laughable if it weren’t for the fact that some kid, somewhere watched this episode and believed that alcohol would instantly wreck their life if they even drank it for one night. The fact that they randomly decided to have Tommy D break his leg in the end put this one over the edge. This entire episode made me want to drink copious amounts of alcohol while reviewing it.

Episode 26, “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2:” Is it any surprise this one made the list? The first half is almost completely identical to part one and the second half is a flimsy, cheap excuse for the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work to make cameos while the gang hangs around in the background wondering why they’re even in the episode. It’s a horribly scripted episode and whoever wrote it obviously has no idea how the sale of public property works.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 26: “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2”

vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h21m02s128 Oh god! Screech is breaking the fourth wall! He knows all the awful things I’ve been saying about him and he’s come to claim my soul! Someone stop him!

Nah, that might actually be interesting. Instead, after our visit from James the Actor last week, we’re back to find out if Bayside will be torn down. Five more seasons of The New Class says it won’t, but Screech recaps the events of the first part anyway.
vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h22m29s215And…our episode starts out with a repeated scene of the glee club. They’re all bummed about Bayside closing…just like the first part. Screech tries to give them a pep talk…just like the first part. Am I sensing a pattern here?  vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h23m42s180 Oh, the difference is that, in the first part, Screech didn’t break down crying on Tommy D’s nipple! That makes this scene so much more unique! vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h23m49s4 Our next scene takes place in the auditorium, just like the first part, where the prom committee sits around, unable to make a decision about the theme of the prom…just like the first part.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h24m25s100

Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker…just like in the first part. Oh, but here’s the difference: Mr. Belding comes in and Mr. McMillan tells him that the illegal sale of the school is official as of Friday and the school will be torn down by Friday night, which I’m pretty sure is impossible unless Mr. McMillan got a hold of a nuke and intends to obliterate the entire area. Whatever the case, this means there won’t be a prom Friday night because physics be damned. Mr. Belding tries to convince him to have a heart, but Mr. McMillan conveniently exposits that he didn’t go to his prom and only had one friend while he was at Bayside.

It’s really bad when The New Class has become so repetitive and derivative it’s ripping itself off. Seriously, why are we even doing a second part if it’s only going to be like the first part but with minor details changed?vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h26m07s85 The gang concoct a plan to trick Mr. McMillan and have their plan…just like last episode! Gee, are we seeing a pattern here? The plan is that Rachel, whom Mr. McMillan has met as a student already, is a nurse and declares that Brian has the “Swiss measles,” a highly contagious form of measles that requires quarantine. Tommy D comes in pretending to have it, and Mr. McMillan leaves, believing Rachel’s story since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are fucking idiots.

Mr. Belding comes in and realizes what’s going on but he lets Mr. McMillan believe the gang’s story because fuck this dick cheese. Instead, Mr. Belding decides it’s time to find a way to save the school. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h28m11s47

This means that, just like in the first part, the gang gather at Screech’s apartment to think of a plan. Oh, but it’s not the same as the first part because Mr. Belding’s there! No, seriously, it’s the end of season two. I want to see who the morons are who have been writing this crap I’ve been watching for two seasons now, especially if I’m really going to watch five more seasons of it. Well, lucky for us, I just happen to have an exclusive photo from The New Class‘s writers room! Let’s take a look!

Monkeys on TypewritersYou know, this explains so much. No, wait, this joke is insulting. We all know this room full of monkeys could produce something much better than the crap that is The New Class!

Ugh, anyway, Mr. Belding’s plan is to find out who Mr. McMillan’s friend at Bayside was so they can change his feelings about the school. Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang go through old Bayside yearbooks hoping to find a clue, but can’t seem to find anything.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h28m57s254

Then Screech, who’s apparently losing his sight since no one else needs a magnifying glass to read the yearbook, finds a picture of Mr. McMillan waiting for a bus next to a girl named Sandy Bennett who was the head cheerleader at Bayside. They decide that this means Sandy was Mr. McMillan’s friend, although it could just as easily mean that they happened to wait for the bus at the same stop. The episode’s already wasted half its running time on scenes almost identical to the first part, though, so the writers said fuck it. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h30m11s231 At The Max, Mr. Belding meets Sandy, whom he tracked down. She tells them about how she was Mr. McMillan’s only friend at Bayside. She always had the feeling that he wanted inside her moist pocket but was too shy to ask. Yeah, seriously, that’s the plot we’re going with. Mr. McMillan wants to tear down Bayside because he didn’t get laid in high school. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! Of course you’re not. This is The New Class.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h31m21s171

Mr. Belding and Screech use this face to ask Sandy to come to the prom and give Mr. McMillan the prom he never had. Really, if they gave you this face, would you go anywhere near the prom? Sand agrees for plot’s sake, though, and Mr. Belding tells the gang the prom’s going to be 1950s themed. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h32m48s15 Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding convinces Mr. McMillan over the phone to come see what special surprise he has in store for him. Sounds like a mafia hit to me, actually. Mr. McMillan agrees but then Screech comes in and says Sandy cancelled. Turns out she has to fly to San Francisco for a surprise party her nephew is throwing for his wife. He didn’t tell Sandy because she’s the family blabbermouth so he just inconsiderately left her to fend for herself on tickets in standby instead. This leaves Mr. Belding and Screech depressed as they wonder if their stupid plan will work on Mr. McMillan without the poon tang to back it up.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h33m12s255

Jesus, why. Why must this franchise constantly insist on showing Screech’s bare chest? Yes, he and Mr. Belding both dressed as bad Elvis impersonators for the prom. Haha, isn’t that so funny.

Mr. McMillan comes in and Mr. Belding promptly takes him to his prom, which he naturally thinks is fucking stupid, but the episode still has eight minutes left to convince him this episode has a point.
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Now here’s the problem with an episode of The New Class centered around the prom: the prom is so in the background that the writers don’t seem to realize how big of a deal it is that Tommy D and Lindsay, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, went to the prom together and that Megan and Bobby seem to have gone together. Really, it’s not even acknowledged. Also, the writers don’t seem to realize there’s a difference between a prom and a costume ball. Fuck me. I hate this fucking ass show.
vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h35m44s239And here’s the reason the writers don’t have time to acknowledge characterization of the gang: it’s cameo time! Yes, Slater is back, and the audience of all girls and gay boys screams so loud my ears hurt. I do have to admit, he looks tremendously more attractive now that the horrible Brillo pad mullet is gone. Also, I think Screech wants to fuck Slater given his reaction to Slater’s sudden appearance.

So Slater seriously wants to arm wrestle Mr. McMillan not to tear down Bayside. Gee, Slater, thanks for showing up with that brilliant tactic. Maybe next you’ll go to the Middle East and use your arm wrestling strategy to end some wars.
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Lisa’s our next former cast member to come in, ready to save the school, but she’s so sad she came all this way and her $1,000 credit card isn’t enough to buy the school from Mr. McMillan. Yeah, Lisa, go have another drink and think about this plan some more.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h37m10s76 Our next cameo is from…oh, it’s Sandy. She’s come back to be Mr. McMillan’s date and Mr. McMillan’s erection says that he’s going to stay and enjoy himself. When Screech asks her what made her change her mind, she says her nephew insisted she fly back when she told him Bayside was in trouble and even insisted on flying back with her.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h37m51s221Yes, in the contrivance of the century, Sandy’s nephew is Zack Morris, and this truly is a contrivance since Screech was at Zack Morris’s wedding and should have met Sandy unless she skipped her nephew’s wedding for hookers and blow. Also, Kelly decided she doesn’t give a shit about Bayside anymore now that she has 90210 to keep her warm. I have to say, I’m barely able to type these words from laughing my ass off at the horrible haircut he got post-The College Years. Seriously, he looks like a Dawson’s Creek reject who got a haircut from one of the Hanson kids. And, yeah, if the audience screamed loud for Slater and Lisa, they blew their lungs out for Zack Morris.

Zack Morris gives Mr. McMillan a speech about how much Bayside means to lots of starving orphans and nuns and how much Mr. McMillan should just leave Bayside alone.

There is an additional continuity issue here. It seems Slater hasn’t seen Zack Morris or Kelly for a while, because he asks how the wife’s doing. This seems to suggest either Zack Morris and Kelly dropped out of college or Slater dropped out of college. I’m guessing Slater dropped out since Sandy was flying to San Francisco to see Zack Morris and Kelly.

Now, keep in mind, while all this is going on, the gang, The New Class gang, is nowhere to be found. Were they having trouble in ratings? Where they so desperate they brought back the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work after cancellation? In any case, this has officially become the Mr. Belding and Screech show. There’s not even an acknowledgement that Bobby and Rachel running for prom king and queen was an issue in the first part. It’s just like nothing from the first part matters because Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa are here for pointless cameos.
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Oh, but here’s our gang! The glee club is going to sing the school song…for the fucking prom. Seriously. I don’t think the writers ever went to their own proms…

In any case, here are the lyrics for the “school song:”

It seems like only yesterday we started,
But soon we’ll put away our books and pens,
We’ll go on with our lives once we have parted,
But how can we say farewell to our friends?

 

The double dates, the parties, and the dances,
Cramming for a mid-term until three,
The football games, The Max, and the romances,
Soon Bayside will be just a memory.

 

Our four years here have all become unraveled,
And so our high school story finally ends,
But years from now, no matter where we’ve traveled,
We’ll all look back and think about our friends.

Where do I even begin? High school songs are typically spirit songs used to get school spirit up during sports games. THEY’RE NOT EXPOSITION DEVICES FOR FUCKING STUPID ASS WRITERS WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO FIND PROPER LITERARY DEVICES! No, there’s no excusing this. They really intend this to be the school’s song, as evidenced by Zack Morris singing along to it at one point. I…I don’t even know what else to say. Every time I think this show has done the stupidest thing it can possibly do, it finds something stupider to prove me wrong. No, really, these writers have no fucking clue what they’re doing! NONE!

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At least Mr. Belding’s happy to have his boys back for some touchy touchy in detention.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h40m53s4

And Mr. McMillan looks like he can’t wait to bang some of Sandy’s sweet puss.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h41m54s103

So, let’s get this fucking episode over. Mr. McMillan’s icy cold heart has been melted by Sandy’s hot vagina, and he agrees to sell Bayside back for one dollar and allow the school board to keep the rest of the money for donations. Screech promptly provides the dollar and the illegal sale of public property is over.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h43m15s119The gang thank Mr. Belding for helping them save Bayside, Mr. Belding thanks the gang for inspiring him not to give up, and our episode, and our season, ends with Screech tearing it up on the dance floor. And, yes, this episode does mark the swan song for Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa. They will never be seen in the franchise again. What a lousy ending for them. Wedding in Las Vegas would have been a more dignified swan song. At least it wasn’t written by a pack of brain dead hyaenas high on LSD watching SpongeBob SquarePants.


And, with that excruciating episode over, that’s it for season two…at fucking last! As usual, I’ll have a recap on Wednesday and then, next week, we’ll jump in to season three and see how much worse this show can get.

Also, this review marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Thank you to everyone over the last year who has read and commented. You are why I keep watching horrible shows like The New Class. Thank you for an amazing first year! Here’s to a great year two ahead of us!

The New Class Season 2, Episode 25: “Belding’s Prize”

If you were just dying this week to find out whether or not the gang will be able to save Bayside, you will be very disappointed as this week we face a completely unrelated episode, along with the return of one of the worst recurring characters in the history of the franchise. Aren’t I lucky?

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We open in Mr. Belding’s office, where the writers remembered that Alison exists since Screech is having his version of phone sex with her. Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech to stop his perversion at once before he gets spooge stains on his desk. 
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Screech gives Mr. Belding his mail and, among the items is a letter from the “Academy of American Principals” inviting him to apply for membership. Yeah, I bet this is about as legitimate as all those Who’s Who in American High Schools scams. They’ll probably want him to buy some leather-bound book with his name in it. Of course, he’s honored they’re considering him and, for some reason, decides to let Screech write one of his letters of recommendation since Screech is so competent in such things. Also, they only gave him two days to prepare and mail his application, which totally makes this seem legitimate. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h51m03s26

Oh, how I’ve missed James the Actor, almost as much as that sebaceous cyst I had on my back that popped and leaked out lots of pus all over the place. He’s such an essential character in the franchise that it’s hard to believe he only appeared in four episodes, and that this is the final episode he ever appeared in. His importance to this franchise is bested only by Casey Kasem and Becky the Duck.

Anyway, our subplot this week is that The Max is holding a Millionth Burger Contest. Whoever orders the millionth burger sold at The Max gets backstage passes to the MTV Awards. Okay, I admit, that might actually have been a cool prize since, in 1995, that would have meant the opportunity to meet Weezer, Madonna, Green Day, Michael Jackson, and Elton John. Sign me up! I want the millionth burger at The Max! Don’t let these idiots get it!

Question though: The Max has been open for at least six years now. Is it realistic to believe they’ve sold less than a million burgers in that time. Okay, yes it is since people so rarely order food at The Max and, instead, build science projects and invite Casey Kasem to have dance contests at The Max.

Also, there’s a recurring gag where James’s cell phone keeps ringing at inappropriate times with his agent telling him how much he sucks and no one wants him. I only mention it because it actually does factor into the plot later.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h52m58s152

Now this is a character identified by Tommy D as “Chunky McGee.” He’s fat and ordering lots of burgers and it’s funny because fat people have no dignity!
vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h53m30s218 The gang decide the best way to win the contest is to fake getting food poisoning from Max burgers, and they tell Meat, in his final apappearancen the show, that he should stay clear of them. The rest of the student body overhears and suddenly no one wants to eat at The Max because these six idiots are so trustworthy.

Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech agrees to mail Mr. Belding’s application for him but he gets distracted by a fax from Alison desiring facsimile sex.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h55m51s92

I kid you not: Screech kisses a stamp pad so he can send Alison back a hundred kisses. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please let Screech get a fatal case of poisoning! That would be such a wonderful belated Christmas present!vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h56m50s173

In the hallway, the gang is hella pissed that they’ve been trying for three whole days and still haven’t bought the millionth burger. Tommy D decides to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s good mood to go to The Max during school hours and buy even more burgers. Boy, this subplot is a gripping one. Will Tommy D get to sexually harass Madonna?

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding sees Screech in the hallway and exposits his appreciation to Screech for mailing the application.
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Unfortunately, Screech realizes that his facsimile sex with Alison made him forget to mail Mr. Belding’s application and it’s now past the deadline. Come on, Screech has done way worse things than this on this show. Why is this the one that’s making him fear his imminent murder?

After a commercial break, Screech calls the Academy and they’re all, “Hell no, we won’t grant an extension! We have a deadline on these leather bound books!”vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h58m37s223

Mr. Belding comes in and reads his acceptance speech to Screech, who sits listening to how devastated Mr. Belding will be when he discovers his leather bound book will not be arriving. Screech can’t bring himself to tell Mr. Belding and, instead, tells Mr. Belding he’s proud of him and prefers not to be murdered before he finds out if Bayside is going to close or not.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h59m42s95

Tommy D returns, having purchased two hundred burgers and still not winning the contest. Everyone’s pissed they spent all their money on shitty burgers instead of hookers and coke. Brian comes up with a plan…
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And I so wish I could tell you what his plan is, but it apparently involves singing about burgers into the school’s intercom. Yeah, I don’t know. I can usually at least comprehend what’s going on with this show even if it doesn’t make sense, but this is baffling. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h00m44s197

Oh, okay! His play is to resell all The Max burgers Tommy D purchased and use the money to buy more burgers! A ponzi scheme! Ron and Meat are skeptical but the gang fain being insulted, or at least as much as they can pretend with their shitty acting skills. Of course, the comments are on their similar taste and burp quality and not on the fact they’re cold and old.

Screech comes in crossing boundaries once again to tell the gang all about his trouble, not even noticing the gang are operating an illegal restaurant out of the school. The gang decide to help Screech fool Mr. Belding into not knowing about Screech’s incompetence, as if he doesn’t know already.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h02m43s113

Tommy D and Brian print a fake acceptance letter from the Academy and Screech presents it to Mr. Belding. The “Grand Commander” of the Academy is coming to Bayside to perform the acceptance ceremony there. Of course, they say “Grand Commander,” and I wonder if they realized how much a certain reviewer of shitty television would one day associate this title with “Grand Wizard.”vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h03m42s199

Of course, the gang hire Jame to pretend to be the Grand Commander, and he demonstrates his wonderful acting skills by using a comb as a mustache. Well, I mean, any actor who has to resort to being hired by teenagers to get work must be good!

The gang come in and Tommy D changed the inscription on Rachel’s Miss Junior Palisades trophy to be all about Mr. Belding winning the award. Yeah, with James pulling off this whole thing, nothing could possibly go wrong!
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Meanwhile, Tommy D buys more burgers from a waiter who’s obviously Ron in disguise. I mean, even Helen Keller would be able to see the horrible disguise that Ron’s wearing. Ron’s purpose is two-fold: keep Tommy D from ordering more burgers and discover if Tommy D is reselling Max burgers. The nerds are pissed off at the discovery they’re buying old shitty burgers, but don’t worry as this plays absolutely no further role in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m49s181Of course, Screech uses the worst head shot of Dennis Haskins he could find, which makes Mr. Belding look like Sarah Palin desperately trying to look hip on Saturday Night Livevlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m57s7

And, as usual, James is wearing one of the worst disguises known to humanity because no one has any common sense on this show.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h06m32s103

Yeah, the girls decide to give a cheer because why the hell not. The presentation is pretty much James’s usual bull shit acting fooling everyone. He drones on and on, not letting Mr. Belding start his acceptance speech. Then, his cell phone rings. It’s his agent letting him know someone hired him and he never has to be on this shitty show again.
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He’s so overjoyed that he starts dancing and ripping off his beard and ripping off the engraving Tommy D put on the trophy. The gig is up, and Screech runs off, realizing he’s about to be murdered since he just humiliated Mr. Belding in front of the whole student body.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h09m44s237

At The Max, Screech drowns his sorrow in milkshakes since we learned earlier this season that alcohol is the evil. Yeah, I guess that’s in character for him.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h10m45s74

Mr. Belding comes in and lectures Screech on his lying. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, after the ass kissing Screech gave in his recommendation, he can’t stay mad at him. They kiss and make up and agree to be best butt buddies for the next five seasons. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h11m27s226They order lunch and we end with Mr. Belding ordering the millionth burger, which makes him a real winner since now he can try and get a booty call from Courtney Love, who, unfortunately, was also nominated for awards at the 1995 MTV Awards. The ’90s had some awesome music, but, man, there were some shitastic moments as well.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 24: “Goodbye Bayside, Part 1”

Oh, can it be true? Is it all just false internet rumors that this show lasted five more seasons? Could this be the Christmas miracle I’ve been waiting for? Oh, to think about never having to watch this show again! Maybe this is the series finale of one of the worst shows ever made! Oh, I will review this episode in glee in anticipation! This could end up being the best episode of the show yet!

Wait, the contradictory evidence is sitting on my bookshelf, isn’t it?

The New Class Season 3-7 DVDGod damn it, it’s just going to be another stupid The New Class episode that makes no sense to anyone, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get it over with…vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h24m20s127Yes, it’s Bayside’s 40th anniversary…
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And, let me tell you, the students are overenthusiastic about this event. Really, I haven’t the slightest clue why they find it this incredibly exciting, but they’re celebrating with big cards and birthday hats and shit. Also, Lindsay says they’re having a prom in honor of the fortieth anniversary because…hell, I haven’t been able to figure out anything else about this season so why start here? Also, what grade is the gang supposed to be in at this point if they’re going to the prom?vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m08s94

Anyway, Bobby is running for prom king and makes lots of promises of shit he’ll do if he’s elected because he’s apparently such a dumb ass he doesn’t know the difference between prom king and student council. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m34s97

Rachel is running for prom queen, but that’s kind of a given, and she enjoys writing giant messages in Bayside’s giant fortieth birthday card.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m59s94 Mr. Belding, meanwhile, thinks all of Screech’s ideas for celebrating the fortieth birthday are idiotic, including putting the Goodyear Blimp and Shamu in the gym. Is Screech trying to destroy the school or open it to law suits?

Meanwhile, in walks an older man a week after Mr. Belding declared that only students are allowed in Bayside during school hours. Driving home Screech’s idiocy, he thinks the man is a student dressed in old people’s clothes and prepares to write him a detention slip.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h26m28s126 Turns out our trtrespassers Mr. Woodbury, the president of the school board. Mr. Belding’s homoerotic advances towards Mr. Woodbury disturb the man, and he excuses himself by saying that he has a meeting with J. Walker McMillan, a rich real estate mogul and the most famous of Bayside’s alumni. Mr. Belding makes probably the first reasonable assumption here and believes that Mr. McMillan intends to make a donation to Bayside.

We cut to the Glee Club, where we discover the writers have forgotten they had a Glee Club episode earlier this season where they established Bayside had hired a Glee Club teacher. Instead, Screech is now Glee Club Teacher because the producers were running out of money this season and needed to save some of it for the final episode.

Anyway, Screech wants the Glee Club to think of songs they can sing for Bayside’s fortieth birthday.

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Screech thinks it’s fucking idiotic that Bobby and Rachel want to sing songs about being prom king and prom queen. If Screech thinks you’re idiotic, you may want to hire a counselor to help you understand where your life choices went wrong.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h28m30s70

Tommy D leveled up and learned a new skill this episode as he can now play some piano. His song is only saying, “Bayside High School” off key to chopsticks, though, so Screech thinks this fucking sucks too.
vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h28m58s94 Meanwhile, Mr. Belding stalks Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan in the hallway asking for ridiculous luxuries for Bayside. Mr. Woodbury suggests they step into Mr. Belding’s office so they can explain the plot to him and he’ll leave them the fuck alone.

Since Mr. Belding is detained, Screech starts a school assembly on the prom king and queen without him. Jesus, this school has assemblies for everything, don’t they?

Rachel says she wants to be prom queen because Bayside means so much to her. Bobby says he wants to be prom king so he can lose his cursed virginity before he’s rightfully written out of this show. We only hear from the two of them since they’re they only two students running who matter as Mr. Belding walks in.

He says he has some very bad news: Mr. McMillan wants to buy Bayside and, since the school board is strapped for money, they’ve agreed to sell it for $5 million. After the prom, the school will be torn down to make room for condominium.

The New Class, you’ve made some stupid factual errors in your two seasons, but I must ask: WHAT THE FUCK! Since when can a school board, on a whim, just sell a public high school! The high school doesn’t belong to them! It belongs to the state! And you don’t just sell a high school on a whim in the middle of a school year without a clear plan of what to do with the students!

This…is killing my brain cells. It’s killing my brain cells, guys! I’m getting dumber watching this episode. Oh, no! I think I just forgot American history!
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In the hallway, Screech faints when Mr. Belding reiterates what we just heard in the last scene about Bayside being sold. Meanwhile, Tommy D and Bobby actually suggest selling brownies to buy the school because they’re as brain dead as I am from watching this episode. The gang asks what will happen to them and Mr. Belding says they’ll be reassigned to other high schools because overcrowding is a great idea!vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h32m59s199

It’s also a great thing the gang already have their school reassignments because otherwise it might become too realistic. Bobby, Lindsay, and Brian find out they’re going to Lincoln, Megan’s going to a private school, and Tommy D and Rachel are going to…THE DREADED VALLEY! Yes, once again the writers forgot they had an episode about the gang liking Valley now as Tommy D says he doesn’t talk to Valley kids. So much for Tommy D talking to Scott, a former Valley kid, for all of last season and the Valley kid he was tenderly hugging this season. I do wish Tommy D would shut up the rest of this episode, though.

Tommy D tries to rally the gang to save Bayside and says that, if they won’t, he will.
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Meanwhile, Screech realizes that he’s going to finally be out of work after seven years in the Saved by the Bell universe and Mr. Belding tries to work on his resume as Screech peers uncomfortably close over his shoulder.

In the auditorium, the prom committee has trouble thinking of themes for the prom…a week before the prom…

Yeah, I have a feeling you would have had to do this long in advance.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h36m43s138

Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker and a map of where he wants to put new shit. Tommy D gives an impassioned plea to Mr. McMillan about how none of them will be able to find new acting gigs if Bayside is torn down. Mr. McMillan, though, is the greedy capitalist with a heart of stone so he doesn’t give a fuck if Tommy D is out on the street giving blow jobs for food.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h37m48s14

The rest of the gang and Screech are inspired to try and save Bayside, though and decide…vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h38m00s113

To hang out at Screech’s apartment, in front of a pennant that says, “Screech.” Yeah, Screech needs to retake his course on professional boundaries. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h39m17s135

After some talk about Mister Ed that has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, Screech phones Mr. McMillan’s office in the worst falsetto ever pretending to be the secretary for the school board. He tells leaves a message for Mr. McMillan saying that tomorrow’s Bayside meeting will be held an hour later in Mr. Belding’s office.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h40m04s90

Screech shows up to the school board meeting as Mr. McMillan’s attorney and makes a bunch of ridiculous demands like more schools and even the school board members’ cars and houses. Mr. Woodbury is outraged and does an impersonation of Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons to express his outrage over Screech’s lunacy. Mr. Woodbury tells Screech to go tell Mr. Woodbury this is an outrage.

Meanwhile, Tommy D, Lindsay, Megan, and Bobby have somehow chained themselves to lockers because that’s apparently physically possible. They’re holding a “Save Bayside” protest. Mr. Belding tells them that they’re being fucking stupid but he’s interrupted by Rachel, who’s rushing off to chain herself to a bus.
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Meanwhile, while Mr. Belding is out of his office, Screech pretends to be a lawyer for the school board from the special needs law firm who wants another million dollars for the deal.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h43m50s53

Screech has Mr. McMillan outraged but then Mr. Woodbury comes in and both Mr. McMillan and Mr. Woodbury thinks Screech is the lawyer for the other. Mr. Belding comes in and sets things straight.

Mr. Belding brings in Screech and the gang for punishment about their latest prank. He tells them that they just need to face that all things must come to an end and this show has already run two seasons longer than it should. The gang isn’t happy but Mr. Belding tells them that Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan finalized the sale after they realized Screech’s idiocy was just idiocy.
vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h45m03s14And our episode ends with a giant, “Aww..” from the audience as things hang in limbo as to whether this is it for the worst of the Saved by the Bell series.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 23: “The D Stands for Dropout”

vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h26m34s129 We open in French class where Mademoiselle Lavelle, the French teacher, calls on Brian to read a poem he wrote in French. And, just in case you’re a complete dumb ass like the producers obviously think you are, the words “French” are written in huge letters on the blackboard to keep you from having to guess this is French class by the context clues otherwise given. Wait…so Brian’s Swiss, he’s obviously not French Swiss if he’s learning to speak French, and we’ve yet to hear him speak German or Italian, one of which has to be his native tongue. There’s something wrong with the fact we never hear the foreign kid speak in his language.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h26m54s75Since Brian’s one defining characteristic besides being Swiss is liking Rachel, his poem is called “Je t’adore, Rachel,” which, according to the internet, means, “I adore Rachel.” I have to trust in the internet here since I don’t speak French. Of course, Brian’s sucky ass poem is just him saying, “Je t’adore, Rachel,” over and over again, which embarrasses Rachel but doesn’t seem to concern Mademoiselle Lavelle, since she has no comment about Brian’s lack of effort.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h28m11s217 Meanwhile, Tommy D is being his usual dumb ass and reading another fake car magazine in the back of class. There’s a weird, awkward exchange between Tommy D and Mademoiselle Lavelle in which she says he’s supposed to be studying French, not centerfolds. Wait, does she think he’s looking at porn? Awkward…

vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h29m09s144Not to mention the fact that Tommy D’s centerfold appears to be a souped up version of a Cub Scout pinewood derby racer. Rule 34, man. That’s all I have to say. Rule 34. Also, Tommy D denigrates French culture and language with the worst sounding French accent ever.
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Screech comes rushing in to establish our subplot for the episode, the science fair. The winners get a trip to San Francisco to see where Screech used to spread his seed in his one year of college. Of course, the gang decide they’re going to be Team Dunce Cap.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h30m59s222

Turns out Tommy D has been working for some auto mechanic named Vince, and he’s actually pretty good at it. He’s doing some kick ass work and even manages to save Screech’s scooter from the junkyard. Yeah, I’m very surprised they remembered Screech’s stupid beloved scooter from the country club episodes. I wonder if they’ll remember it after a season break.

Vince says that repairing cars is the one thing Tommy D is competent at and he wishes he could hire Tommy D full time if not for that pesky school thing…

At The Max, the gang get Screech to give them advice on their science fair project. Bobby’s idea is a gravity detector, which is basically a reaching arm that drops a clothes pin. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h33m19s82

Rachel’s idea is a machine that paints all ten fingernails at once but, when she tries it out on Lindsay, it paints her entire hand red. Even Screech thinks these projects are idiotic. That’s shameful if even Screech thinks your ideas are stupid. That’s a reason to put a paper bag on your head and relocate to North Dakota.

Tommy D comes in and buys everyone burgers. He tells everyone Vince is going to pay him to work as much as he wants at the garage. The gang is worried he can’t keep up with school because it’s not like he can set his own hours and not work when he needs to study…oh right, that’s exactly what he just said. Yeah, they need a conflict for this episode so they’re going to shoe horn it in. Nobody ever has part-time jobs, not even Kelly when she worked at The Max!
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h35m48s31 Yeah, since they need a plot, naturally Tommy D takes on too much work at the garage. First Mr. Belding catches him in the hallway and writes him a tardy slip.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m02s178

Then, he’s working on a car part in a random class. That’s called unpaid work and I think that’s reportable.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m20s100Finally, he falls asleep in Mademoiselle Lavelle’s class since it sucks ass.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m29s184

And he manages to tip over in his desk. Unfortunately, he’s not injured.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m56s208 Mr. Belding calls Tommy D and his father in to discuss Tommy D’s new found delinquency. Mr. DeLuca says it’s obvious the evil Vince is overworking Tommy and forcing him to not be able to keep up with class, what with his flexible hours and all. Tommy D says there’s only one thing to do: drop out of school, and he marches off ready to be rid of The New Class.

After a commercial, Mr. DeLuca is still hanging out in Mr. Belding’s office distraught over his son dropping out. Mr. Belding says Mr. DeLuca needs to give Tommy D some tough love. Rather than the usual spankings, they decide the worst punishment they can give Tommy D is to make him live with Screech.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h39m00s163

Witness the horror that is Screech’s face when he finds out Tommy D is moving into his apartment. Would you let your sixteen year old son move in with a face like that?
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h40m05s38At The Max, the gang give Tommy D the old tired cliches about dropping out of school when his father comes in with two suitcases packed and give him the bad news that he’s living with Screech. Apparently two suitcases is all Tommy D owns.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h41m02s93

The more shocking thing in this whole scenario is that Screech has his own apartment. Of course, considering this is just a redressing of the generic bedroom scene, Screech and Tommy D might be living in Screech’s parents house. Screech proceeds to take all of Tommy D’s money for room and board, which I assume he’s going to immediately go out and spend on hookers and blow to make his porno that no one in the world wanted to see.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h43m18s179 At Bayside, Tommy D clears out his locker and the gang say bye to him since no one who doesn’t attend Bayside ever makes it in this franchise on a permanent basis. Mr. Belding then says the most bullshit thing that’s ever been uttered in this franchise: Tommy D has to leave because only students are allowed on school premises.

Oh, Mr. Belding, shall I shatter your fantasies with a list of non-students who have randomly wandered around Bayside?

  • Casey Kasem
  • Max
  • A government agent
  • Kelly’s baby brother
  • Kelly’s younger sister
  • James the Actor, four times
  • Adam Trask
  • Brandon Tartikoff
  • Johnny Dakota
  • Little Zack, twice
  • Stevie (Okay, that was technically JFK Junior High, but you get my point)

And these are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others because Bayside is fucking Grand Central Station for people who shouldn’t legally be there. But it matters to the plot this time so we’re supposed to ignore it because the producers all think we’re idiots who can’t remember the stupid things they do over the years.

vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h44m07s163At The Max the gang think they finally have a way of going to San Francisco…a radio controlled car. A fucking radio controlled car that goes fast. Is this a high school science fair or an elementary school show and tell? Unfortunately, I think the radio controlled car catches on fire because smoke starts coming out everywhere, which I’m sure will be great for business at The Max. Why don’t they kick these idiots out? They must be hurting business.

Tommy D comes in and wants to help out, but that’s against the rules of the science fair. Uh oh! The horrors of dropping out of school! You can’t participate in the science fair! HOW HORRIBLE CAN THINGS GET?!?!

At the garage, Mr. DeLuca comes in and tells his son his sad story about how he’s always regretted he dropped out of school and how this should somehow guilt Tommy D into not dropping out.

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This sends Tommy D into a dream sequence where he imagines he’s so desperate for a job that he wants to work for Screech. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h47m17s15 Of course, Screech has a mustache because body hair is the only way to make Screech look different apparently. And, probably because the producers were too lazy and cheap to build a new set, they opted to have the interview in Mr. Belding’s office.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h48m21s144Since Tommy D doesn’t have a high school diploma or college degree, Screech sprays him with water as he would a misbehaving cat.
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h48m27s203 He proceeds to wipe Tommy D’s face with a squeegee, which I assume he thinks is what shaving is since he’s never had to shave in his life.

Vince comes up and Tommy D’s all, “I’ve decided that we’ve sufficiently spouted all the cliches about dropping out of high school in this episode so I’m going back to school!”vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h49m23s248

At the science fair, the gang try to demonstrate their stupid little remote control car for Mr. Belding and Screech, but it quite literally falls apart.
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But in comes Tommy D with a remote control car that works which he no doubt picked up at Toys ‘R Us. Tommy D’s stupid car is the best science fair project, reminding us of the low academic standards Bayside holds its students to.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h50m43s26

Mr. DeLuca comes in…didn’t we just establish only students are supposed to be in school? Did they contradict themselves in less than twenty minutes? Seriously?!?! Anyway, Mr. DeLuca comes in and witnesses his son doing something competent, making him so proud that they make up and he asks Tommy D to come back home.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h51m06s251

Tommy D’s nightmare of living with Screech over, he tells Screech he’s moving out of his apartment, and we close with the thrilling conclusion of Screech giving Tommy D his money back.

I think if I’d watched this episode when I was in high school I would have dropped out.

Firsts: Screech’s apartment.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 22: “To Cheat or Not to Cheat”

vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m08s10 We open with Screech doing the announcements in the middle of the hallway since all the students that matter are assembled there at the same time. Lindsay is suddenly the “activities chairperson” and announces that the annual Bayside Ball is Saturday night.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m42s86

And the announcement comes complete with Bobby doing flips through the hallway because getting a concussion wouldn’t mean liability for the school or anything.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m55s229 Brian’s naturally excited about the ball because it means he may get his Swiss rocks off, but Rachel tells him he might as well forget it since the history final is tomorrow and, if she doesn’t get a B, she’s grounded. Brian’s all, “But what about my burning needs!” and Rachel’s like, “It’s hopeless!”vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h38m52s20 Meanwhile, it’s time to complicate the timeline of this whole damned season even more. See, Mr. Belding tells Screech that Cal U sent an evaluation for Screech’s first semester at Bayside. Now I’ve been assuming that maybe this season just takes place over an extended amount of time, but it’s impossible to think this after this bombshell. See, Rachel and Brian are definitely dating, and that didn’t happen until the country club episodes, which take place during the summer, so this is not an out-of-order episode. Yeah, I hate these writers. They’re not even trying.

Anyway, our stupid subplot is that Screech is worried about getting a bad review since he’s a complete incompetent dumb ass and recruits Tommy D, Lindsay, and Bobby to help him look good so they have something to do during this episode.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h41m51s22Meanwhile, the history teacher is the maid from Diff’rent Strokes, and she appears to have been driven crazy by so many years of cleaning Gary Coleman’s underwear. She’s the third teacher we’ve seen at Bayside who seems to take pleasure in her students failing and assures the class that she will have revenge for being subjugated to Gary Coleman’s every whim.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h43m19s86

After the students leave, she has trouble printing the test and does the logical thing: she hits the printer with the instruction manual. I think the problem is you didn’t actually print the test from the computer; you just pushed a button on the printer and then hit it. The printer does not read your mind. Seriously, where does Bayside find their faculty? In an asylum?

Brian comes in and tries to help insane maid but can’t do anymore then she could so she marches out to find a geek to help her.

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After she leaves, the test prints out. Brian realizes what it is and Tommy D walks in just at the right moment to be a sounding board for Brian, who’s agonizing over whether to keep the final or not. He initially throws it away but then takes it with him as the audience all goes, “OOOOOH!” They’re a special kind of audience, aren’t they?vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h45m28s143

Screech’s first way to impress Mr. Belding is to have Lindsay, Tommy D, and Bobby fight over the food to serve at the Bayside Ball so he can solve it for them. Mr. Belding comes in and asks why the fuck Screech solved such a petty argument and Screech feels down that his plan to make Mr. Belding think he wasn’t incompetent didn’t work.

At The Max, Megan helps Rachel study for the final but soon realizes Rachel is a hopeless case and gets the hell out of there so she can get back to her life of doing nothing. Brian comes in and tells Rachel what to study for the final. Rachel’s initially skeptical but soon decides that Brian’s a man so he must know about history and stuff.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h47m58s114

The next day, Gary Coleman’s servant is delighted to think of all the Fs she gets to give that night on the final. Outside, Megan tells Brian that the final was brutal because of an essay question on the Boston Tea Party. Seriously, what’s so hard about that? Was it asking what brand tea the colonists used like the insane teacher back in “The Fabulous Belding Boys?”

Rachel, though, is overjoyed because everything Brian told her to study just happened to be on the test. Gee, what a coincidence! She must be acting the part of “dumb as Tommy D” this episode.

Screech’s next plan to impress Mr. Belding is to pretend Lindsay is choking so he can manhandle her as he pretends to give her the Heimlich maneuver. Tommy D gets frustrated because he’s an idiot and can’t remember they’re playing pretend so he pushes Screech aside and manhandles his ex-girlfriend in Screech’s place. Thus, Mr. Belding thinks Screech doesn’t know how to do basic first aid.
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Brain and Rachel go to the movies to celebrate the final, and Rachel is under the impression Brian is just psychic and now she’ll always do good in history. Seriously, nobody can be this stupid.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h50m02s73

Brian has a fantasy sequence that Rachel’s on a quiz show with Screech as the host wearing a bad fake mustache since Screech still hasn’t hit puberty. vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h51m02s159

Rachel has Brian under the podium giving her the answers and fingerbanging her on the side.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h51m53s173 Mr. Belding is the judge, which apparently means he dreses in Revolutionary War era wigs, unless the writers are implying they don’t understand that the American judicial system doesn’t use judicial wigs like the British system does. Mr. Belding just happens to be psychic and realizes Brian and Rachel are cheating, which means Rachel doesn’t get the grand prize of a full scholarship to college.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h52m27s240

Instead, she gets to go share a bed with Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges while Mr. Drummond goes to confront that creepy, molestery bicycle salesman that’s trying to touch Dudley’s no-no zone.

At school the next day, Megan and Rachel are the only students that passed the final, but Rachel got an A and Megan got a B+, which pisses Megan the hell off since Rachel hella sucks in history. Megan accuses Rachel of cheating and Rahcel’s all, “I didn’t cheat! My boyfriend just happens to know all the answers to the test!” They march off in opposite directions after a cat fight.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h54m23s124 At The Max, Ron comes in wearing his underwear on his head because he went onto Valley’s turf and they decided to take all his clothes off and rearrange them on their body. This sounds like a job for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

This gives Screech an idea, though, and he recruits Tommy D and Bobby to pretend to be Valley students and throw cream pies at Mr. Belding. Yeah nothing could possibly go wrong with this.

Rachel tells Brian that her lifelong friendship with Megan is over because of one bitch moment from Megan. She can’t possibly be friends with someone who would think she would cheat. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THIS FUCKING STUPID!

Brian asks Screech if “a friend” were to give another friend the answers to a final, would it be cheating? Screech is all, “I’m a complete dumb ass but even I know that’s cheating. Your friend should be force fed caffeine pills and made to watch back to back episodes of The Chevy Chase Show.
vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h57m28s157In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding thinks it’s creepy as hell that Screech keeps smelling him. He tells him that he smells trouble in the air and Mr. Belding is all, “What the hell is that even supposed to mean?” Lindsay rushes in and tells them that some kids from Valley are going to get Mr. Belding.

They hear a knock on Mr. Belding’s door and Screech thinks it’s his dumb ass plan being set into motion. Instead, Brian rushes in with Rachel and Megan behind him. Brian confesses to Mr. Belding and the girls that he gave Rachel the answers to the final but that Rachel didn’t know.  Rachel and Megan instantly make-up since Megan realizes what a bitch she’s been and Rachel realizes what an idiot she’s been.

Mr. Belding tells Brian he’s impressed and that it must have taken a lot of courage to come to him. Brian says that being emasculated by Screech made him realize what he had to do. Mr. Belding is so impressed with Screech’s attempt at being a responsible adult that he lets Screech finish dealing with the situation.

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Since Rachel’s a complete dumb ass, she gets to do a make-up test Monday. Brian is suspended for two days and doesn’t get to go to the Bayside Ball. Everyone seems really satisfied after these relatively light actions.

After the three leave, Screech asks Mr. Belding if his half-ass handling of this situation is going to be in his evaluation. Mr. Belding says it won’t since he sent back the evaluation the day he received it. Mr. Belding’s high on LSD and tells Screech that he’s already doing a great job and got a good evaluation and all this staged shit wasn’t necessary. Screech forgets about his last stupid plan when a knock on the door is heard.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-19h01m15s137Tommy D and Bobby hit Mr. Belding in the face with the pies and our episode ends with Mr. Belding ready to murder Screech and yearning for the days when he could try and sneak peaks at Miss Bliss’s hot rack.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 21: “Feuding Friends”

 

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Yeah we’re still at the damned ski lodge this week because…half the season apparently isn’t enough for this fucking show about high school to be away from…high school! Not only that but the same skiers from the opening of the last episode are still skiing this episode because the producers were too cheap to film two scenes of people enjoying winter sports. The only solace I have right now is there’s only five more episodes this season.

We open with the gang signing Tommy D’s cast, including Lindsay, who, and I’m not even joking here, signs it, “To my ex-boyfriend.” Passive-aggressive much? The gang decide to muddle the timeline of this damned show even more then it already has been by talking about the last time Tommy D broke a bone: when Bobby landed on his arm on the playground in fourth grade. Yeah, they actually say here that Rachel and Bobby have been part of the gang for life despite the fact that Bobby wasn’t seen or mentioned at all last season and Rachel only had a minor role in which she didn’t seem to know the gang that well. I guess they’re covering their tracks in case someone goes snooping around Tommy D’s backyard wondering whatever happened to Scott, Weasel, and Vicki…

Mr. Belding and Screech come in to take the gang skiing but Megan thinks skiing sucks ass and would rather finish her book. Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense to go on a ski trip and read.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h14m26s124

On the slopes, Rachel spots “Ramon-Ramon,” the hottest flamboyantly gay ski designer in the world. That exists, someone who becomes famous for designing ski clothes? Also, could they not have given him a better name that didn’t evoke images of Robert Kennedy’s assassin?

Anyway, Rachel wants to be a model and the rest of the gang encourage her to go harass Ramon-Ramon until he agrees to make her one of his models to shut her up. Ramon-Ramon wants this second rate cast to get the hell off his fake mountain so he can get back to work and invites them to a fashion show at the FMski lodge to shut them up.

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Meanwhile, Screech climbs up the fake mountain behind Ramon-Ramon’s model and slips, falling towards certain doom off the worst set piece in history. Unfortunately, he doesn’t die and his fall is broken by Ramon-Ramon’s equipment. Ramon-Ramon is initially pissed off at Screech but then decides inexplicably that Screech has the right look for his ski wear campaign because he apparently want to go out of business so he can claim it as a loss on his taxes.

vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h16m20s233Back at the ski lodge, Tommy D’s reading the latest issue of “Dumptruck Digest.” Judging by the truck on the cover, this magazine hasn’t been printed since the ’50s since that’s the same truck the Martin family owned on Lassie. Tommy D and Megan bond over their mutual love of throwing snowballs at innocent bystanders and decide they should hook-up. Seriously, that’s what just happened.
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Ramon-Ramon finds Screech and convinces him to be his new male model, thus proving he’s completely blind. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h19m16s200

Megan comes in and tells Lindsay and Rachel she wants to date Tommy D. Lindsay freaks the fuck out despite the fact that she was drunkilly making out with Chris the college guy just last episode. Megan is all, “Why should you get all the stupid airheads? Besides, I want a piece of crap boyfriend who will forget I ever existed next episode!” Rachel decides to take Lindsay’s side because plot. Lindsay and Rachel storm out self-righteously, determined not to approve of Megan being treated like crap by Tommy D.

Megan tells Tommy D about Lindsay and Rachel’s reaction and Tommy D’s all, “Whores need to chill. Us men folk would never react like that!”vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h20m09s220

Naturally, in the next scene, Bobby freaks the fuck out that Tommy D would dare date the girl that he’s been stalking for years, except for last year when Weasel was busy stalking her, and Tommy D’s all like, “You need to back the fuck down and let me treat Megan like crap!” Also, Brian’s apparently stupid for daring to be the voice of reason and mediate things on a show that doesn’t value reason. Bobby and Brian storm off and Megan comes in all, “Haha! I guess boys are stupid, too!” Tommy D asks Megan to dinner.
vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h22m05s99Meanwhile…yep, Ramon-Ramon has to be attempting to put himself out of business. That’s the only explanation there is for this subplot. The things this stupid show does…

Also, Ramon-Ramon’s model is sick and can’t be in the fashion show. Oh, no! I wonder whatever this will lead to!vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h22m45s245

Tommy D and Megan go on their date, and it’s a good thing the ski lodge just happens to have a French restaurant on the premises because the writers need to make Tommy D look like a failed abortion attempt by having him order “We accept major credit cards” in French. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this shit up.

Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby come in and give Tommy D and Megan the cold shoulder as they sit at the next table over. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h24m13s96

Brian comes in and, once again, no one has a use for the voice of reason as all five tell him to go fuck himself. Then a violent confrontation arises as Bobby tries to claim what’s rightfully his and Lindsay gets told off for being jealous despite hanging all druken on another guy last episode.Tommy D and Megan storm out, determined to go home in the morning.

The next morning, Tommy D and Megan tell Mr. Belding they’re going home while Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby say they’re going home if Tommy D and Megan aren’t going home and Brian says this is all a huge cluster fuck that he wants nothing more to do with and he’s going home. Mr. Belding asks them all if they’ve lost their fucking minds since students can’t just arbitrarily decide to leave a school trip because they’re fighting over stupid shit.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h26m25s136

Ramon-Ramon comes in looking for a last-minute replacement for his sick model and initially wants Rachel. Then he spots Megan and decides she’s a lot less annoying if a bit on the bland side and asks her to be his new model. Rachel’s hella pissed that now she has this legitimate reason to be jealous of Megan shoe-horned into a plot that’s already all over the place.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h26m59s224

Megan’s insecure enough about modelling that she allows Screech to give her advice on modelling. Oh, Megan, I think Tommy D would be a better choice for this than Screech. Ramon-Ramon come in and tell Screech to fuck off before he ruins all their models.

Nearby, Tommy D tells Screech about the rest of the gang being pissed at Megan and him. Screech decides it’s time to act like an adult for a few seconds in the episode and starts reading all the messages signed to his cast. Screech leaves, telling Tommy D and Megan that he once had a group of friends, too, who forgave him for all his fuck-ups despite the fact he wouldn’t let Zack Morris date Lisa. Tommy D and Megan suddenly feel like shit for doing something that most people would say is only a little inconsiderate since they didn’t talk to their friends about how they would feel.

Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby come to watch the fashion show. Megan ambushes Rachel and tells her to go model despite the fact that they don’t even remotely look like they can wear the same sized clothes.

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At the fashion show, Screech decides that, rather than being a tax write-off, he’s just the butt of everyone’s jokes, as usual. Ramon-Ramon is all, “Shut the fuck up. You’re the one that’s going to make a complete ass out of yourself in your personal life in just a few years. Now get ready for the show!”vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h30m13s112

And this is apparently Screech’s sad, “people are making fun of me” face. It looks more like he has a Sweet Tart in his mouth.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h30m47s189Rachel surprises Ramon-Ramon by coming out on stage modeling, not least because the laws of physics have suddenly been suspended since she fits in the clothes meant for Megan.
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Screech then comes out and says he likes himself, even if he is a sleezy piece of shit who will talk crap about his co-stars since he can’t get work himself. He quits and Ramon-Ramon decides he needs to get smashed after the day he’s had.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h31m59s142 The gang make up one by one, first with Rachel who apologizes for talking shit about Megan when she had no real reason to be mad at her most of the episode. Then Lindsay says it’s been a whole five episode since she and Tommy D dated so it’s okay if Megan and Tommy D date.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h32m30s202

Bobby tells Tommy D that he’s realized his behavior towards Megan is almost as creepy as Screech’s behavior towards Lisa and has had a sobering realization that he doesn’t want to be like Screech, so it’s okay if Tommy D and Megan date.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h33m11s105The gang’s back together and we close with a cast photo to remind us who was here this season since none of these people except Mr. Belding and Screech will be around at the end of the series.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 20: “Drinking 101”

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Oh god…this episode isn’t opening well…please let this be a social studies lesson on the Rockies…vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h51m04s177

Oh god…please let this be a film the gang is watching on skiing. No, of course it isn’t. It’s yet another fucking location episode. God, why must you punish me so? Is it because you’re secretly a fan of Showgirls and get pissed when I say it ruined Elizabeth Berkley’s career? Is it because I think the Olson twins were the worst things in prime time in the ’90s? Was it because of that time I took caffeine pills? Oh, God, why must you forsaken me?

Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are taking the gang and select extras on a ski trip to Mount No-Name-in-California.  vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h52m00s232

The gang is excited that there won’t be any parents for the next week but Screech is kind enough to creepily let Tommy D know that he can call him his “Happy Pappy.” Is that a hillbilly drug dealer? Seriously, did the writers think that was funny at all or were they just stoned out of their minds while they were writing this piece of crap?

Meanwhile, Bobby complains about penguins living in his underwear and Lindsay notices a hot guy because she’s a girl and all girls think about are guys. Rachel wants to get a little something something with Brian but Brian’s Swiss and all Swiss people want to do is ski. It’s like their Viagra.

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Mr. Belding trips over Tommy D’s skis in the most awkward position since Zack Morris’s trip over Mr. Belding in “The Surgery.” And the result?

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You guessed it! That was enough to give Mr. Belding a sprained ankle! Are bones just much more brittle in the Saved by the Bell universe? Anyway, he has to stay off his ankle for a few days but he tells the gang to go and have fun.

Unfortunately, in yet another subplot, Rachel thinks she’s at a fashion show and not a ski trip and she’s taking quite literally hours to decide what to wear to ski. Brian’s all, “Fuck this bullshit!” and leaves her to go skiing with Tommy D and Bobby.

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Screech decides to take Mr. Belding sledding through the absolutely worst simulated set of a mountain I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this set is worse than some of the ones from the original Star Trekvlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h55m35s96

Of course, the writers suddenly decide Screech is scared of heights and he leaves Mr. Belding to plummet to his death.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h56m04s122

Back at the ski lodge, meet Chris, Lindsay’s college age love interest for the episode who helps her take her ski boots off, which is like third base in the Saved by the Bell universe. Lindsay tells Chris that she’s also college age, which is an obvious lie, and that she goes to Cal U. Chris decides that Lindsay is suitable to have his babies so he invites her to a frat party…at the ski lodge. Yeah.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h57m21s119

The boys arrive back after a full day of skiing to find Rachel still trying on clothes and Rachel’s all, “That’s okay. My vagina is moist for some huge Swiss meat.” Brian’s all, “That sounds fun and all but I want to ski again tomorrow and hopefully find a mountain lion to fuck so I’m going to bed.” Rachel’s all pissed that Brian would dare want to ski on a skiing trip. But before they can fight it out, Bobby’s underwear catches on fire and Tommy D and Brian rush off after him so they can smother the fire in his pants.

Lindsay tells Megan all about Chris and Megan is all judgmental because her own vagina is a barren desert. Lindsay tells Megan and Rachel about the party. Rachel instantly wants to go because of the stupid subplot involving her and Brian. Megan doesn’t want to go at first until they see some of Chris’s hot college friends and she instantly gets a lady boner.

Screech comes in and tells the girls he’s throwing a get well soon party for Mr. Belding tonight because…plot, and assumes the girls want to come. Lindsay’s all, “We’re going to go to both because I want to find out what I’ve been missing shackled to Tommy D for the past two years!”vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h59m29s131

In the girls’ room, Lindsay wants to dress like this to go to a party with hot guys. Rachel says this is so uncool and throws Lindsay a leather jacket so she can look more like Tori, the coolest kid to ever have gone to Bayside. They then proceed to argue over their knowledge of college life based on the gospel of Beverly Hills, 90210vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h00m13s52

Boy, Screech really knows how to throw a party doesn’t he? This is the most exciting party I’ve seen since the Heaven’s Gate party.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h00m22s142

So Screech sucks ass at charades. The girls decide they’ve had enough of this lame ass party and decide to sneak off so they can go to the frat party. The boys become suspicious and decide to stalk them.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h02m22s54

But not before Tommy D is volunteered to hit a giant pinata with Mr. Belding’s face on it. God, I really don’t want to know what Screech filled that thing with…
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At the party, Megan and Rachel are enjoying an exciting night of talking about college majors with two men who could be arrested for statutory rape if they touched their downstairs areas. Lindsay, meanwhile, decides that Chris is a thousand times better than Tommy D because he’s not a complete idiot, and imagines what it would be like to marry him.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h04m03s42 The boys locate the girls and Tommy D’s genius mind automatically assumes that Rachel is there because she goes to college. Are we sure that Tommy D isn’t Screech’s long lost brother who was mentioned in Good Morning, Miss Bliss?vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h05m08s194

The boys sneak into the party and Brian does his best to look disapproving as Rachel seems determined to have fun. See, Brian’s already learned that, in the Saved by the Bell universe, going to a party means you’re going to leave knocked up or with a duck or something.
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Lindsay, meanwhile, drinks the evil horrible vile drink known as beer in order to fit in with the college crowd, and let me tell you: if you thought Natalia Cigliuti was a horrible actress, just wait until you see her try to pretend to be drunk. It’s like watching Dustin Diamond try to appear likeable. Also, a vixen comes in and woos Tommy D with her villainous charm because Tommy D is willing to drink beer with her and that’s apparently the only criteria needed to be fuckable on The New Class. It’s nice to know Tommy D is such a piece of crap that he would break up with Lindsay just a few episodes ago for Katie and then forget Katie ever existed. A real charmer, this one.

Now cue the moralizing about the evils of alcohol in 3, 2, 1…

Megan comes in and finds Lindsay in some semblance that would count as being drunk in some parallel universe and proceeds to judge her for daring to let Satan’s brewsky touch her lips.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h06m48s160

Rachel also takes a drink but instantly spits it out on random college guy here because alcohol will make your tongue fall out!
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Tommy D and random girl come in and Tommy D offers Bobby a drink. Bobby says he’s saving himself for the priesthood since that’s the only way he’s ever going to get any.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h07m56s72

Random girl decides to go for a spin on a stolen snow mobile that just happens to be conveniently parked indoors. Bobby tries to talk Tommy D out of the snow mobile since he’s been drinking, apparently not caring about the consequences of stolen property, but Tommy D is all, “I’m an idiot so I’ve got to illustrate our moral this week!”

Lindsay’s acting continues to get worse the more alcohol she drinks.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h08m39s241

Screech comes in and finds Brian and Bobby. Seeing Megan and Rachel there too, he quickly deduces using what little brain power he possesses that the gang snuck out to go to the party. Being the responsible adult chaperon he is, he tells them to just get back upstairs for Mr. Belding’s surprise cake that Miss Bliss is going to jump through.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h10m07s96 Screech goes to retrieve Lindsay and lets the cat out of the bag she’s in high school. Chris is all, “I can’t claim ‘She lied to me’ as self-defense now that someone’s actually named your age, so see ya!”vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h11m07s180

Back at Mr. Belding’s party, Ron brings out cake for Mr. Belding that Lindsay almost falls into. She then falls on a nearby bed.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h11m49s98

Rachel and Brian make up for their stupid little sub-plot that went nowhere. Lindsay interrupts their tinder moment to go throw up the Ruffies that Chris slipped her and Mr. Belding suddenly realizes something’s up. The gang confess everything to him quickly because they’re like the fastest group of high schoolers to confess to something in history.

With less than a minute left in the episode, a ski patrolman comes in and tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D had an accident on his snowmobile. Well, duh! He tried to drive it through the ski lodge but the Kool-Aid Man he is not! Mr. Belding blames Bobby for the accident because Bobby didn’t tackle and hold him to keep him off the snowmobile. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h12m59s35

Tommy D has a broken leg, Lindsay has a hang-over, and Mr. Belding moralizes over how they should have just said no to alcohol and stopped their friends because people apparently don’t have free will in the Saved by the Bell universe. He grounds them all for the weekend because they’re all bad, evil people who dared let the sin of drink on their tongue. The moral lesson here: you’re always responsible for your friends actions no matter how stupid they are because you should apparently just set fire to a party rather than just let them make their own choices.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h13m38s166And our episode ends with Screech increasing liability for Bayside as he proceeds to whack Tommy D in the foot with a ski. Nice going, Dumbass.

Really, I don’t get why they hate alcohol so much. If it weren’t for alcohol, the only people who would watch these episodes are internet reviewers with too much time on their hands.

Firsts: The ski lodge.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 19: “The Class of 2020”

You know what, say what you will about the clip episodes from Saved by the Bell. At least the original series had the decency to wait until their final season to do their clip episodes, even if there were a shit ton of them and they did suck ass. The New Class is doing their first clip episode…after only two seasons, the first of which was a thirteen episode season. Oh, The New Class, have you no shame? Wait, I know the answer to that…

vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h42m38s88 Our framing story is that Mr. Belding is making a video for the Bayside class of 2020 to see what people in the ’90s were like.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h42m55s255

Of course, Screech assists him because what else would Screech have to do on this show?vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h43m00s52

Now imagine you open a time capsule twenty-five years in the future, watch the video, and this is what you see. I believe I would have the impression Bayside was a school for the mentally challenged in the ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h44m22s104

Anyway, our regulars, in pairs of two, get to talk about episodes that featured them since the things that happen on the show are apparently the only things on this show that mattered. First up are Megan and Bobby, who thinks this is what fashion will look like in 2020. God help us if we’re all dressed as the Tin Man’s idiot nephew.

Now, it’s my policy that I refuse to review a bunch of scenes that were already stupid to begin with just because the writers were so lazy they decided to do a clip show. I will say that the theme of this clip show is “couples,” which is problematic with Megan and Bobby given they’re not a couple. Leave it to the writers of this stupid show to use the subplot from “A Perfect Lindsay” about Megan teaching Bobby to dance as a positive moment in their fake relationship. Yeah, once again trivialize the main plot about anorexia and don’t even mention it during Lindsay’s segment. Instead, let’s talking about dancing.

God, I hate this show.

With that said, instead of reviewing stupid clips, let’s play a game called, “Things That are More Interesting than The New Class.” I welcome your additions in the comments below. Here’s my first four.

Walking Dead

The Walking Dead.

Chicago Fire

Soccer.

Superman Spiderman Batman

Comic books.

Beer

Beer.

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Seriously, imagine you’re in 2020 and this is the picture you get of the ’90s. I would deny coming of age in the ’90s if this is what it meant.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h50m35s233

Tommy D and Lindsay are up next and Tommy D is fascinated by this cookoo clock about as much as a toddler is fascinated with a game of peek-a-boo. For the record, they’re still broken up.

Now, since the clips are starting again, here are four more things more interesting than The New Class.

Doing Your Taxes

Doing your taxes.

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Zack Morris’s incredibly large freckles on his legs and arms.

Pet Dander

Pet dander.

Cat wearing Sunglasses

Cats wearing sunglasses.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h57m02s21

It’s now Brian and Rachel’s turn and the writers decide to pretend like they’ve been developing Rachel’s love of shopping all season so they throw in an unfunny gag about her writing her own book on shopping. Oh, and to confuse matters even more about the timeline, they’re now dating in the school episodes as they use footage from the country club episodes that shows them dating.

But no time for all that! It’s clip time again, which means it’s time for four more things more interesting than The New Class!

Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice.

Vanilla Icecream

Vanilla Ice Cream.

7th Heaven

7th Heaven.

Watching Paint Dry

Watching paint dry.
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So now that the students have all contributed to the video, there are only two regulars left to reminisce about the episodes they’ve been in.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h59m46s127

Screech also manages to do the most disturbing skit involving Trolls dolls I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously, I think he escaped from a psychiatric hospital after The College Years was cancelled.

It’s time for clips again so it’s time for my final four choices of things more interesting than The New Class.

Snow ShirtlessSpending time in the snow while wearing swimming trunks.

Dust MiteDust mites.

ShowgirlsElizabeth Berkley’s career post-Saved by the Bell.

Mary Kate Ashley Olson

And. of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson.

So I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at things that are more interesting than The New Class. Unfortunately, next week, we’re back to our regular scheduled awfulness. For now, though, let’s just hope that there won’t be a spin-off in 2020 to open the time capsule from this awful class.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 18: “Breaking Up”

Remember how a few weeks ago we all completely hated “The Aftermath” because of how shallow of a conclusion it was to Zack Morris and Kelly breaking up? Well, now the writers of The New Class have their hands on it and…the result is completely expected.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h37m17s137

We open with the camera focusing an uncomfortably long time on this girl who we’ve never met. Gee, I wonder if she’s going to have something to do with this episode? Nah, couldn’t possibly.
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Anyway, Tommy D and Lindsay walk into The Max and exposit that the girl is…Brian’s younger sister, Katie. Wait…what the hell…Brian’s supposed to be a foreign exchange student, not a part of a refugee family. What the hell is his sister doing in L.A.? Of course, seeing how little the writers of this show have already demonstrated they know about Switzerland, I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought it was a war-torn hell hole in the middle of Africa.

Tommy D wants to play video games but Katie and the extra who need not be named are hogging them so Lindsay goes over to ask if Katie minds if Tommy D plays video games with her, which I can only assume is euphemism for, “Will you give my boyfriend an awesome blowjob since I’m too frigid to touch his manly parts?” Katie is all, “Bring on the one who’s been given the most new character traits this year but is still the most boring member of the cast!”

Wait…Katie just spoke in an American accent…

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! They’re not even trying to make her sound Swiss! Who the hell is this girl?

Anyway, Tommy D distracted by Katie gives Lindsay time to go over and remind the rest of the gang that Tommy D’s birthday is coming up. No one can afford to buy him a present, though.
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Just then, Milton and nerd sidekick of the episode, Clarence, walk in randomly shooting people for a Bayside archive video, and they’re annoying the shit out of everyone by just shoving the camera in their faces. Rachel even says they followed her in the girl’s locker room, which isn’t just annoying but criminal. Don’t worry, though: instead of calling the police, she sprayed them with perfume.

Brian gets the idea to make a video for Tommy D for his birthday as a surprise. To facilitate this, Brian tells Milton and Clarence that Mr. Belding hates having his face videotaped.

We then enter Mr. Belding’s office where the writers copy and pasted a conversation from last season between Mr. Belding, Scott, and Weasel. In this version of the conversation, Brian and Bobby convince Mr. Belding that Brian was a kick ass videographer back in Switzerland. They also tell Mr. Belding that Milton and Clarence suck ass.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h44m40s215

Milton and Clarence come in and shoot everything but Mr. Belding because they took their stupid pills today. Apparently it’s completely normal to barge in when the principal is having a meeting with other students and just start shooting. Mr. Belding tells them they suck ass and give the job to Brian and Bobby. Also, God must be making up for the ranch episodes because Screech is not in this episode. Mr. Belding says he’s off at a seminar on “Chalk Dust Pollution.” Five dollars says it’s just him talking with his blowup doll, Jessie’s Little House on the Prairie doll, and Emmanuel Lewis in a Shirley Temple outfit. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h46m01s250

Brian’s strangely affectionate with Katie as he asks her to go into the auto shop and get Tommy D talking about cars. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h46m13s124

See, Bobby’s hiding in the trash can so he can secretly video tape Tommy D and Katie’s conversation. Wow, the video taping in this episode is getting stalkerish. Anyway, Katie knows lots about cars despite the fact that she’s a girl, but since Jessie’s not around to go on a feminist rant, she just spills oil on Tommy D. Tommy D wipes it up with a cloth and throws it away in the same trash can Bobby’s in. Now let me put on my best Ben Stein voice as I say, “Oh, how hilarious.” vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h48m17s80

Brian films Lindsay at Tommy D’s locker because she wants to show off that he has a head shot of Natalia Cigliuti in his locker. Also, they make a huge deal over Tommy D giving Lindsay the combination on their first date, which I assume is euphemism for mild hand holding knowing Lindsay.

Tommy D comes around and Bobby hides in a trash can to keep shooting Tommy D secretly.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h49m33s73

He’s with Katie, though, and the audience loses their shit as the writers decide two scenes together are more than enough for Tommy D and Katie to fall in love. Brian and Bobby, meanwhile, have a hernia that Tommy D is the Kelly of this show.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h49m49s229

At The Max, Brian and Bobby show Megan and Rachel the footage of Tommy D getting to first base with Katie. They’re utterly shocked that more than one girl could find Tommy D attractive. Lindsay comes in and says she wants to throw Tommy D a surprise birthday party where they’ll show him the video. She leaves just as fast as she entered and the four decide the only thing to do is make Tommy D and Katie unattractive to each other.
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Step one is for Brian and Bobby to convince Tommy D that Katie is as much a whore as he is. This random student tells them that all these love letters are from Katie because she’s more obsessed than the woman from Misery.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h56m03s115

Meanwhile, Latino Vanilla Ice here tells Tommy D that Katie has the hots for the way he says, “Ice, ice baby.” Finally, Bobby gets Katie to tell him the name of a certain Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard really loudly.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h56m42s3

Since Tommy D is a moron, he doesn’t realize no one finds Bobby attractive since Bobby’s only done one non-idiotic thing in his life. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h57m28s208

At The Max, Rachel and Megan do their best impression of being sad, which resembles cats in heat more than being sad. They convince Katie that Lindsay is dying and hasn’t told Tommy D and she really wanted the party to be a last gesture.
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Brian is equally unconvincing at emoting sadness and looks like he’s about to throw up, but Katie’s not very bright either, as evidenced by the fact she likes Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h58m28s47

The final cog in the plan is for Lindsay to come out wearing an “I Love Tommy” t-shirt that Rachel covered in cat hair since Lindsay is apparently allergic to cats. Lindsay starts coughing and this is enough anecdotal evidence for Katie to buy the bullshit story.

At Bayside, Tommy D and Katie decide not to date because they’re both idiots who believed the elaborate ruses set for them. Bobby sees this and reports it to the rest of the gang, who wish there had been some easier way to have taken care of all this, like maybe telling Lindsay her boyfriend is a whore. They decide to go off and watch the video tape.
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Right at that exact moment, Milton and Clarence come down the stairs and decide to invite Mr. Belding to Tommy D’s part, telling him the video will be shown there. Of course, this is really Milton and Clarence’s nefarious plan to get revenge on Brian and Bobby by having Mr. Belding show up to sexually harass everyone.
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Lindsay tells Tommy D she’s cooking a dinner for him but Tommy D doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday, which must mean something is wrong! They keep up an exchange of bad acting for about a minute until Tommy D decides to go to the dinner after all. Lindsay’s all, “Something’s wrong! It has to be! Something’s always wrong when Tommy D falls back into bad acting!”vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h01m32s88

At the party, Lindsay is all, “Tommy D be acting all whack, yo!” vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h02m16s9

Before she can discover anything, Tommy D shows up and is all surprised and shit by the surprise and shit.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h03m13s72

Tommy D and Lindsay dance all half-heartedly and stuff until Katie walks in and gives Tommy D a present. Tommy D, because he’s a complete idiot, gives Katie a kiss right there directly in front of Lindsay. As Lindsay tries to wrap her head around the shit going down in front of her, the rest of the gang decide it’s time to show Tommy D his video. Lindsay, meanwhile, drags Megan and Rachel out so they can tell her off-screen about Tommy D and Katie.
vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h03m55s236 Mr. Belding comes walking right into Lindsay’s house because everyone in this universe walks in houses without permission. Mr. Belding takes about thirty seconds to realize it’s not a video about Bayside but a birthday video for Tommy D. Mr. Belding’s not pissed or anything but tells Brian and Bobby they’ll have to redo the video after school the next two weeks. What exactly was the point of that subplot? Just to give Mr. Belding something to do?
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Lindsay drags Tommy D outside to perform the second most unintentionally hilarious scene of the season after the whole anorexia blackout scene. See, Lindsay’s sad, then she’s sadder, then she’s just upset that the relationship is over and she’s all, “But dating you is my one thing with Scott gone! What is my character going to do now that my boyfriend is a hoe bag!” They break up because Tommy D is so in love with Katie, which is why she’ll never be seen or mentioned in this series again. Seriously, at least Saved by the Bell did another episode with Jeff to show he was a slut bag too. But, yeah, Natalia Cigliuti and Jonathan Angel’s acting in this scene is horrendously awful.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h07m20s252And our episode ends with Tommy D and Lindsay embracing as they wait for season three to come upon them so they have something else to do.

So, this is the episode that completely fucks up this season’s timeline. Tommy D and Lindsay are dating in the country club and ranch episodes. Brian and Rachel are not dating in the school episodes. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in between seasons one and two because Screech is there and he was definitely not there before “The Return of Screech,” in which Brian and Rachel are not dating. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in the summer after the season two school episodes since Tommy D and Lindsay are now no longer a couple and since there will be cast changes at the beginning of season three. So…you figure it out. When the hell do all these episodes take place?

All I can say is bon voyage to the couple I never cared about and apparently neither did the writers of this show either. Also, I’m still confused why Brian has a sister with an American accent.

Firsts: Tommy D and Lindsay break up.