Category Archives: The New Class Season 3

The New Class Season 3 Recap

This season…this season had so much potential. After the cluster fuck that was season two, they had the perfect opportunity to start over and rebuild The New Class. So were they successful? Well, yes and no.

Taken as a whole, season three is much better than season two. Ryan and Maria were welcome additions to the cast (which I’ll discuss more when I analyze characters). There even seemed to be new life breathed into old, tired characters like Lindsay and Tommy D, at first anyway. And, for the first time in nearly a year and a half of watching this show, there was an episode I genuinely liked on its own merits. Season three seemed to do something completely unanticipated at first: turn around this horrible spin-off.

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For all the promise the new season brought in the beginning, though, there was so much disappointment in the ultimate payoff. For one, this season suffered from one of the same problems of season two: too many episodes away from Bayside. As I discussed in the season two recap, part of what made the Malibu Sands episodes of the original series work was that we’d had two years to get to know the same six teenagers. Setting an arc of episodes away from Bayside gave us the opportunity to see them grow more in a different setting with new supporting characters.

This is something the producers of The New Class never seemed to have gotten. The episodes set away from Bayside on this show fall flat because you’re replacing up to half of the characters every season. We don’t get to know these new members of the gang at all before we’re thrust into outside situations that we just don’t know how to react to. Add on to this that none of the characters ever develop in these episodes outside single episodes crises and you have a recipe for disaster. Not to mention I believe that a show about high school should set the majority of its episodes in, say, HIGH SCHOOL! Season three featured thirteen episodes set entirely outside Bayside. That’s half the episodes this season! If I were a new viewer, I could easily forget what this show is supposed to be about.

On top of this, there’s signs the producers were getting desperate. On several occasions, plots used in seasons one and two were recycled for a new episode in season three with the hope that no one would notice. On top of that, two episodes were completely rip-offs of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up with only the location changed. Add to this two of the worst very special episodes ever seen in the franchise, and you get why I’m disappointed with how this season turned out. There was no effort in most of the episodes this season. At this point, it’s like the writers were phoning it in. I long ago gave up on the idea that this show may be as goofy and lighthearted as the original but, when I’m forcing myself to watch out of duty with absolutely no desire to see what happens next, something’s wrong.

As if that’s not enough, the time line of this season is nearly as bad as season two’s. I was having a hard enough time figuring out when all of this was taking place until that revelation in “New Year’s Resolution” just came out of nowhere that this entire season, including multiple trips and three months aboard a boat, all took place in four months during the first semester of this school year. I don’t think anyone thought this through. If there’s one thing that’s become crystal clear about The New Class over the last two years is they don’t give a damn about things making sense or taking place in an orderly time period; they’re just banking on the fact that you, the viewer, are such a moron you won’t realize that all of the things that happened this season could not have happened in four months.

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Behind the scenes, changes were happening as well. Not only did we lose supporting characters Milton and Ron, both of whom had been with the show since the beginning, but this would be the last season produced by Franco E. Bario, who had been a producer on the franchise going all the way back to Good Morning, Miss Bliss. I can’t find the reason Bario departed, but it’s unlikely he was upset at Peter Engel or NBC since he remained with California Dreams another two years. Bario’s often been credited as the third most influential person on the franchise behind Peter Engel and Don Barnhart, and his departure will signal a shift in the show next season.

Maybe it was time for new blood in this franchise.


Let’s talk characters.

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Let’s face it: for worse and worse, The New Class has turned into The Screech Show for the last two seasons. Screech has to be involved in everything and, if anything, his boundaries with his students gets worse this year, as he lets Maria talk him into giving her a better grade in Driver’s Ed and actually takes Rachel to a school dance. Screech is a creepy, creepy little man in this show and his importance to Bayside only emphasizes how the writers don’t seem to have a grasp of what administrators actually do in a school. On top of that, there’s some just plan mean scenes where Screech, desperate to keep his plan to bring Mrs. Belding and Little Zack to the ski lodge for Christmas, cruelly keeps Mr. Belding from getting to a bus just to keep the secret going. The fact that nobody sees through his incompetence is utterly amazing. If I’d been Mr. Belding, I may not have been able to restrain myself from punching Screech over the whole ski lodge thing.

The writers squandered opportunities to explore Screech this season as well. From his random breakup with Alison, who hadn’t been mentioned since last season, to his return to Cal U, there could have been some explanation about just why the hell Screech is still at Bayside after his year internship. Unfortunately, the writers didn’t think characterization was necessary for Screech so we’ll never know the answers to why we’re still being subjected to Screech so much.


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My theory on why Mr. Belding continues to put up with Screech is that he’s becoming a sad, broken shell of a human being with Screech’s constant idiocy. Think about it: why else would he not have fired Screech when he had the chance?  Mr. Belding’s presence is often baffling: he continues to take jobs at the mall, apparently needing the money to support his family, as if principals in Los Angeles County don’t make any money. Is he using all his money to bail Screech out of his constant foibles? I don’t know. It’s a mystery that will only deepen in season four, though.

For what it’s worth, I still like Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding is at his best when he’s being the kind, supportive, and caring adult figure in the gang’s life, and he had several opportunities for that this season. Unfortunately, he’s also at his worst when he’s painted as Screech’s lackey, especially during the ski lodge episodes. I’m still convinced the reason the original series got rid of Max was because he simply wasn’t needed as Mr. Belding’s character developed more and more. Unfortunately, The New Class doesn’t seem to realize that it only needs one adult character, preferably the more competent one and not the brain dead moron.


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Out of all the returning characters this season, Rachel may be the most baffling. Last season, she had a major arc during the country club episodes and her relationship with Brian overshadowed even the Tommy D and Lindsay relationship. This season, she’s just there most of the time. They’ve all but forgotten that she was a Lisa rip-off in season two and seem to just randomly insert her into plots when they can’t figure out who else is suitable for a particular episode. In fact, I dare say that every episode this season where she was the focus could have just as easily been Lindsay in her place.

What’s more, Rachel seems to have randomly picked up some of Megan’s old traits this season, such as being smart. Maria wasn’t a direct replacement for Megan, but it still makes no sense that Rachel just suddenly took on the role of the smart one in Megan’s absence when it had never been established that this was one of her character traits.


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Ryan was one thing they got right this season. Last season, Brian was, perhaps, the weakest character on the show. Ryan feels like Scott 2.0. It’s like the producers actually realized that it was a horrible idea to make their lead male an emotionless guy with a funny accent who has nothing to do other than talk about being from Switzerland and loving Rachel. Ryan goes back to the Scott and Zack Morris mold of lead male characters and brings energy back to the role that was drastically missing last season. In fact, it felt like Ryan was Scott at times, between his rivalry with Tommy D and his desire to date the most popular girl at his new school.

That doesn’t mean they used Ryan perfectly this season. Too many episodes involving Ryan revolved around his relationship with Lindsay, which felt like one of the most force and least developed relationships (and eventual break-ups) in the history of the franchise. I hate to say it, but I think I bought even Screech and Alison more than Ryan and Lindsay, which is sad, quite sad.


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The writers hardly did anything with Maria this season. She has very few episodes centered around her and her sole characteristic seems to be being an unlikable bitch, even towards her friends. So why am I giving her a pass over R.J.? Well, it’s for two reasons. One, she’s not a direct replacement for Megan. Instead, she’s actually an original character. I found that utterly refreshing in itself that somebody at The New Class looked at these six characters and decided to take a risk on something outside the normal Saved by the Bell formula.

Second, there’s hints of a character coming through. She was the only character to have been smart enough to realize R.J.’s talent scout was a scam artist and she geuinely tries to keep the identity of a celebrity in the mall a secret even when all her friends are being little assholes about it. At times, Maria is almost a female Slater, which might not be so far from the truth considering her name is an obvious feminization of Mario Lopez’s. I’m genuinely interested to see what they do with her character next season.


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I can’t exactly say the same thing about R.J. There was never a reason to give a damn about R.J. He was a slight improvement over Bobby but that’s not saying much. About all he had to do this season was be shitty to a girl in a wheelchair and show his idiocy in being conned by a fake agent. Most of the time, he was just there, and the show was no better or worse for his presence. Replace him with a coat rack and you’d have most of the same plots.

His actor, Salim Grant, has never had much luck in the acting business. His longest stint on a show other than The New Class was a two episode gig on Salute Your Shorts. Connoisseurs of bad movies will recognize him as Bill Cosby’s son in the horrible Ghost Dad. Grant has continued acting on and off through the 2000s. Today, he’s primarily moved into the music business and is a music producer with Rising Platform Productions LLC. He also maintains a Twitter presence, if you’re at all interested.


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I wrote in the season two recap that Lindsay didn’t really have much to do after she and Tommy D broke up. Well, this season they tried to remedy that by…having Tommy D try to get back together with her! And having Ryan chase her too! The problem with the episode ordering is there was never really much question where this plot was going since episodes away from Bayisde clearly showed Ryan and Lindsay together even before they started dating on the show.

Even more of a problem than that, though, was I never bought the relationship. The closest we saw to development was when Lindsay got pissed at Ryan for betting the money for Mr. Belding’s present, and that seemed pretty forced in an attempt to start a conflict that went nowhere. Other than that, we really just see the two of them kissing a lot, and not much more. So, when they broke up in “The Fallout,” I really had no emotional investment or care in their relationship. Other than not understanding why Lindsay fell in love with the human plot point as fast as she did, I really just didn’t care.

Maybe it’s good this is Lindsay’s last season. I honestly don’t know what they would have done with her for another season now that she’s dated Ryan and Tommy D.

Natalia Cigliuti hasn’t done bad for herself post-The New Class. She had a starring role on the short-lived Aaron Spelling dram Pacific Palisaides as well as alongside Mark-Paul Gosselaar in the only marginally more successful Raising the Bar. She’s had recurring roles on Beverly Hills, 90210All My Children, and The Glades, and you may have heard her as the voice of Scarlett in G.I. Joe: Renegades.


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Oh, Tommy D…

By the end of this season, it really felt like Tommy D was being kept around because they needed six characters. I don’t think the writers for The New Class knew what to do with Tommy D so they made him a complete moron. The rivalry with Ryan worked fairly well but it ended really quickly and without any bitterness, unlike Zack Morris and Slater’s rivalry over Kelly, and Tommy D often felt like window dressing. He just didn’t need to be there. The gang even seems to treat him like an outsider sometimes, as when they gave Lindsay shit for smoking but didn’t give a damn about him.

It’s a shocking devolution for a character that started out as a tough guy greaser who hates sports in season one to become a bumbling idiot who’s the football star by the end of the third season. It just goes to show how there aren’t any clear characterization plans for this show at all and that the writers seem to be winging it on the seat of their pants. In the cases of Tommy D and Lindsay, they just ran out of things to do.

Jonathan Angel has kept pretty low-key post-The New Class. For a guy that was once marketed as a new teen idol to replace Mario Lopez, he’s done very little and has largely dropped out of acting with the exception of a few low budget projects (including two, amusingly, as Han Solo) through the 2000s. This is even more astonishing when you realize that, according to the blog Cookies and Sangria, his father, Joe Angel, is a radio announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. Jonathan, if you read this, whatever you’re doing nowadays, I hope it’s more dignified an bringing you much more happiness than your The New Class gig.


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Many people have warned me that The New Class takes a drastic shift after this season, some for the better but much of it for the worse. Only time will tell what’s in store for the final year and a half of this blog. One thing is for sure, though: for a brief moment, in the year 1995, The New Class actually got better, and that gives me a bit of hope. I know that my hope will probably get crushed on the same rock that gave Screech his brain injury, but I’m determined to see it through to the end, even if it means subjecting myself to more horrible choices by St. Peter and his gang. Lord have mercy on my soul.


My Picks

As usual, I’m going to pick five episodes from this season that I absolutely loathed above all the rest. But, first, I’m going to do something I’ve never been able to do with The New Class before…

One Episode I Loved:

Episode 4: “What’s the Problem”: How surprising was it for me to realize that the first episode of this series I loved was a very special episode. This episode is well executed, believable, tackles a problem many in the target demographic may actually face, and utilizes Mr. Belding very well. It’s so good that Screech’s stupid sub-plot barely distracts from the episode itself. I was quite impressed and surprised, which is more than I can say for the other five entries on this list.

Five Episodes I Hated:

Episode 5: “Air Screech”: Good lord, this was a shockingly bad episode that assumes your basic view of humans is that they’re gullible morons who will buy anything they think is possible. And, okay, that may be true to a degree, but, come on, people lining up to buy shoes that are horribly spray pained? Ugh! It doesn’t help that it’s a Screech-centric episode, either. What makes it even worse is that it followed the one episode I liked! It also may be the worst episode to this point.

Episode 9: “Boundaries”: This one just pisses me the fuck off. They basically trivialized a very serious issue, sexual assault, and didn’t even have the guts to follow through on the plot or show any consequences for the perp; he just gets a stern talking to from Mr. Belding! It doesn’t help that the subplot is Screech being sexually assaulted by a pushy woman who doesn’t take no for an answer. Way to include a subplot making light of sexual assault in an episode on sexual assault!

Episode 16: “Screech’s Millions”: Ugh, another Screech-centric episode. Screech walks around talking in a fake accent that makes Thurston Howell III sound pleasantly working class by comparison! Add to that the fact that Mr. Belding finally fires Screech…but then immediately hires him back, and you have an episode that I’m very bitter about. I almost wished Screech had won a million dollars so I’d never have to look at his stupid face again.

Episode 20: “R.J.’s Handicap”: Both episodes centering around R.J. are painful, but this is a special kind of stupid that does nothing but make R.J. look like a jackass and make me grateful he left at the end of the season. On top of that, Maria’s subplot where she dates a guy who sounds like Gilbert Gottfried after he inhaled helium might be some of the most painful moments of television I’ve ever heard. To round out the badness, this is the first of the “Semester at Sea” episodes, which was just a bad idea. Bad. And I sure hope that The Suite Life of Zack and Cody didn’t copy this arc…

Episode 23: “No Smoking”: Nobody wanted The New Class to tackle the topic of teen smoking, especially in such a way that it makes everyone look like judgmental pricks. This episode does nothing but show how the writers for The New Class don’t understand at all why kids start smoking nor, if I was watching it as a teen smoker, would it give me incentive to give it up. This makes “No Hope with Dope” look successful by comparison.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 26: “New Year’s Resolution”

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Well, we’re back at the ski lodge for one more episode. How much I have looked forward to the day we can put this wretched place behind us.

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As the name of the episode would suggest, it’s New Year’s Eve.

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Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang are helping Grandpa Ernie set up for his annual New Year’s Eve party. This involves Screech being incompetent with balloons and talking about how, last year, Grandpa Ernie made him dress up as the New Year’s baby, diaper and all. Somehow, I’m surprised that isn’t the plot of this episode. I mean, they do tend to take every opportunity they can to show Screech nearly naked.

Mr. Belding has an idea to save the producers money on the season finale: the gang will think of resolutions based on things that have happened to them over the last year. This will allow the producers to shoe-horn in another clip show episode in place of a real season finale, because who the fuck cares about season finales since you only have to wait ten months on this show for new episodes!

Screech goes off to find the gang so they can reminisce on the last six months of my blogging life and the pain I’ve had to endure. In the meantime, he inhales helium and gives us an unfortunate preview of what’s going to happen to his voice in the coming seasons. I’ll give you a clue: my emotions surrounding the change are annoyance and depression, not joy and amusement.

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Screech first finds Ryan, who throws a shovel full of snow in Screech’s face. I like to think this was just Richard Lee Jackson getting pissed off at Dustin Diamond and not realizing the camera was on, but it was so good the producers left it in. Anyway, Ryan realizes how much of a dumb fuck he’s been over the past year with Zack Morris-like schemes and, after some clips, decides his resolution is to think before he acts. Ryan asks Screech what his resolution is, and Screech is terrified to realize his life is so fucked up he can’t decide on just one thing.

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Screech finds the girls next, and decides to blow on Grandpa Ernie’s nasal inhaler, which just happens to be sitting there with a bunch of noise makers…for some reason. After watching the clip of Lindsay not trusting Rachel and Ryan during the play, Lindsay vows to trust her friends more. Rachel remembers her mild case of sexual assault at Cal U. Maria vows to be up front with people after remembering how she and Lindsay lied to Rachel at the mall. Screech is filled with dread, though, to realize he still doesn’t have a resolution.

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Lastly, we have Tommy D and R.J., who are in charge of food. Unfortunately, R.J. let Tommy D do the taste testing, which Tommy D took to mean, “be an idiot and bite into every sandwich.” Oh, Tommy D, how I won’t miss you at all next season. Your presence this season has contributed nothing! But Tommy D does have a resolution: to be himself, based on the stupid episode where he tried to act cultured and smart to get a girl. R.J., meanwhile, vows to judge everyone for who they are since he remembered how much of a dick he was to a girl with a disability on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief.  Screech feels even more of a loser that even Tommy D has a resolution and he still can’t come up with one.

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So it’s time for the party, and Mr. Belding brings everyone outside to give their resolutions. Screech says he thought of one despite the fact that he and Mr. Belding didn’t get their own set of clips. What does Screech do? Why, he just reads off the gang’s resolutions. When they threaten to kick his ass for plagiarism, he apologizes, saying he’s such a dumb ass he thought he came up with them on his own. Mr. Belding says that it’s okay because everyone realizes Screech is a bit touched in the head and that, even if they’re borrowed and he took the thunder away from everyone else, they’re great resolutions.

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And our episode, and our season, closes with our principal cast counting down to the new year and then embracing in one more happy cast moment while I thank God I had enough whiskey to make it through this season.

Now you might have noticed the problem with this episode: it takes place mid-school year, while they’re on Christmas vacation. Since Ryan, R.J., and Maria just came at the beginning of the school year, that means every episode they used a clip from had to have happened between September and December. That means, in four months, the gang manged to have a bunch of school episodes in which they had a television station, a gymnastics meet, a school play, and a ballet recital at The Max, plus a multiple episode arc at the mall, a trip to Cal U, three months on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, and episodes at the ski lodge. I’ve heard of conflated time lines but this is ridiculous. There’s no possible way the gang accomplished all that in the span of four months, especially if three of those months were spent on a damned boat! These producers just don’t fucking care. They knew that they could take any old shit they wanted to, dress it up with the Saved by the Bell franchise name, and that we would all eat it because they believe we’re all maniacal raving idiots who can’t bother to tie our shoe strings without directions to follow!

God, I really hate this show.

For what it’s worth: here are what the resolutions should have been:

Mr. Belding: Fire Screech.
Rachel: Get a personality that isn’t borrowed from random bits of Megan’s leftover character traits.
Maria: Do something other than be a super bitch.
Lindsay: Acting lessons.
Ryan: Stop being a dick.
R.J.: Do something to make internet reviewers twenty years from now give a shit that you were on this show.
Tommy D: Just leave already.
Screech: Die, preferably as painfully as possible.


In any case, three seasons down, four more to go. As usual I’ll have a recap of season three this Wednesday. And, next Monday, we’ll start in on season four of The New Class. Will it be better than the previous three seasons? Based on what I already know, I’m not holding my breath…

The New Class Season 3, Episode 25: “The Christmas Gift”

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What? We’re not going to wait another six weeks to go back to the ski lodge? It’s a Christmas miracle, folks!

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And it is Christmas at the ski lodge, where Mr. Belding’s bitching and moaning about being made to dress in funny costumes since he’s at the beck and call of the crazy spotted hoot owls now.

Grandpa Ernie announces that the ski lodge is magically back on its feet after only a few days of the gang working there so he’s going to start paying them for their work. To call this a plot contrivance is an insult to plot contrivances everywhere. No, this is more like, “We’re tired of the plot we constructed in the last two episodes so let’s abandon it in anticipation of ripping off an unrelated Saved by the Bell episode!”

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Tommy D’s supposed to be fixing the Christmas lights over the door when he inadvertently blocks this girl from getting in.  Meet Robin, who’s here to replace the Walking, Talking Plot Device who’s conveniently home spending Christmas with his family. Geez, there’s a lot of convenience in this episode, sort of like a bunch of lazy writers decided to do whatever the hell they felt like to put out this episode!

Grandpa Ernie tells Robin he tried to call her but the number on her application has been disconnected. Robin stammers for a response and says her family just had to move.

Oh god. Oh, god, no. Christmas. Lame excuses about phones being disconnected. Please don’t fucking tell me they’re going to rip off the episode I think they’re going to rip off…

Also, it looks like this is going to be a Tommy D episode. Aren’t I just lucky? It’s like a Christmas miracle…

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding, who’s bussing tables…for some reason…has a little boy randomly squeeze his nose to humiliate him for his decision to continue on this show. BEST KID EVER!

Mr. Belding starts crying and Screech assume it’s just because the kid made fun of him, but Mr. Belding says he’s sad to be away from his wife and sun for Christmas. So…why are you chaperoning six of your students? Why not, I don’t know, be at home?

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This makes Screech make one of his constipated faces, at which point he tells Ryan and R.J. he’s going to spend his money to bring Mrs. Belding and Little Zack to the ski lodge.

Lindsay tries to make small talk with Robin, who seems to avoid Lindsay’s questions about going skiing all the time and shit. As if to further cement my fears that this is going to be a rip off of the episode I think it is, Rachel and Maria come up excited to be going into town so they can buy shit with their money. Robin doesn’t want to go, though, saying she doesn’t want cashmere sweaters like Rachel and Pearl Jam box sets like Maria and…sunglasses…like Lindsay. Did Lindsay just become the lamest girl on this show? I mean…sunglasses. That’s what she’s excited about?

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Tommy D continues his infatuation with Robin by picking her some flowers…from the vase in the front desk. While I tend to think this is another moment of Tommy D idiocy, the audience thinks it’s fucking amazing and loses their shit over the flowers. If he finds chocolate for Robin, the audience is going to have an aneurysm…

Robin can’t go to a movie with Tommy D later, though, because she has to make dinner for her brothers and her sisters. God, no…

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Tommy D catches Robin stealing food in the kitchen and even he realizes something’s up. Robin tells him that they are indeed in a horrible ripoff of “Home for Christmas,” except she’s just almost homeless because her father lost his job and her family of six is living out of a motel room. She has to make $800 as quickly as possible so he can get a new transmission for his car and he can get a new job so she can get the fuck off this show. Tommy D suggests that she switch with Rachel or Maria since waitresses make more money, but Robin doesn’t want anyone else to know and Tommy D promises not to tell.

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Screech arranges with Mrs. Belding to come to the ski lodge for Christmas. She puts Little Zack on the phone, and he’s apparently still as awesome as he was back in “Belding’s Baby” since he wants nothing to do with Screech and hangs up on him. Best. Kid. Ever.

Tommy D comes in and convinces Screech that Rachel’s really upset she can’t work the kitchen but doesn’t want to tell anybody. Screech is officially more of a moron than Tommy D and buys his story that Rachel should be moved to the kitchen and Robin to the dining room.

Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech that he’s decided that, if he goes home and leaves the gang in the hands of Screech and Grandpa Ernie, they might just accidentally be killed, so he’s decided to go home for Christmas after all, sending Screech into a tizzie. Speaking of which, who the hell ever heard of a random school trip on Christmas? Why are none of the gang spending time with their families? We’ve seen Tommy D’s father and Lindsay’s mother, but do they still exist? Oh, the mysteries this show presents…

The next day, Ryan and R.J. help Screech keep Mr. Belding from going to the bus station. How do they accomplish this, you ask? Why, by moving all the clocks forward and convincing him he missed his bus. And he buys it and dejectedly decides he has to take the afternoon bus. Wow, that was easy. No wonder Zack Morris never had trouble conning Mr. Belding. If these idiots can do it, anyone can.

Screech tells Robin he’s changed her assignment. Tommy D tells her he didn’t tell anyone her secret and that it must have just been good luck.

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So the plan to prevent Mr. Belding from making the afternoon bus is to get him to help Ryan and R.J. cut down a tree. Yeah, no kidding. Mr. Belding goes along with it because he thinks he has plenty of time and because he hasn’t learned after eight years in this franchise not to trust anyone.

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Meanwhile, Rachel’s pissed about being in the kitchen and Maria thinks Robin’s snooty for wanting bigger tips. They go to take a break while Tommy D checks on Robin. She’s upset she’s running out of customers to fleece so Tommy D takes a couple from Maria’s section and reseats them in Robin’s. Rachel and Maria see this and, of course, it’s jumping to conclusions time as they think Robin’s greedy because she waited on customers while Maria was outside getting it on with Rachel.

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Ryan and R.J. give Mr. Belding a rubber headed ax to chop the tree down with and tell him not to touch the head. No joke, he listens to them and just starts trying to chop the tree down. And he keeps on chopping. And doesn’t even question why he’s not making even a dent in the tree.  This continues until Mr. Belding only has a half hour to catch his bus and decides to go catch the bus. Screech distracts him for the last half hour by, and I’m not joking, running around the tree in a circle. And…Mr. Belding doesn’t question it. He just runs around in a circle around the tree for a half hour until he misses his bus.

Is everyone in this universe an idiot?

Mr. Belding says that, tomorrow being Christmas, there’s only one bus, and nothing will make him miss it because he wants a break from all this idiocy with the wife and son he neglects most of the year to go to ski lodges and on cruise ships and while he’s working in the mall.

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Robin, meanwhile, is grateful for being a waitress, which automatically makes Lindsay, Rachel and Maria assume that she’s been sucking up to Screech. They go over to tell off Robin and she tells them to fuck off with their “Walkmans” and cashmere sweaters and sunglasses. She rushes off to a better show where coworkers act like real coworkers.

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It’s Christmas Day and, what’s the plan for keeping Mr. Belding from catching his bus today? Why, lock him in luggage storage and claim the door’s broke, of course! Mr. Belding’s really bad about getting locked in closets. This just happened back in “Air Screech.” He just needs to come out of the closet and get it over with.

However, I do have to say that this is cruel and I don’t know why shows do this sort of thing. I mean, I get Screech is trying to surprise Mr. Belding, but he’s got the poor man thinking he’s going to miss his bus and not get to see his family on Christmas. This is just mean and I’d be upset at whoever pulled this bull shit on me.

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Tommy D asks the girls if they’ve seen Robin and the girls tell Tommy D all about the encounter last night. Tommy D tells them they’re all selfish self-righteous bitches and proceeds to give them the plot of the episode. The girls feel bad and want to apologize but Grandpa Ernie told her not to come in and to spend Christmas with her family.

We cut to the exact same scene where Tommy D’s asked Screech to call Robin in for the Christmas party.

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Meanwhile, Screech, Ryan, and R.J. learn that Grandpa Ernie let Mr. Belding out of the luggage room and that he should have been just in time to make his bus. This makes Screech realize how much of a failure of a human being he is, but not so much that he isn’t going to be around for four more fucking wonderful seasons to remind me why this was one of the worst shows ever created.

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Speaking of incompetence, they actually brought Mrs. Belding back, and Screech has to explain to her and Little Zack why he’s such a dumb ass. Is it just me or is Little Zack Hyper Growing. I mean, last time we saw him, two years ago, he was but an infant. Now it looks like he’s a preschooler. Guess he has that disease kids on television shows get that make them age really fast.

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Robin comes in and is overwhelmed to discover her family there. The gang brought her family in to share a nice Christmas with her. Check out the boy on the left, who I assume is supposed to be her brother, looking like, “Why the hell did you bring me on this show with these stupid dumb asses?”

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Mr. Belding comes in and says he hopped on a bus but that it’s the wrong bus and happened to be the circle route that brought him right back to the ski lodge. That…makes absolutely no sense, like most of this episode. In any case, Mr. Belding is about to give it to Screech for ruining his life…

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When Little Zack runs up and greets him with a hearty, “Daddy!” Yep, hyper aging. Mr. Belding isn’t pissed at all for the psychological trauma Screech inflicted on him, but, instead, thanks him for nearly ruining his entire Christmas.

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The gang give Robin all the money Grandpa Ernie paid them so her dad can get a new transmission. See, I told you there was a contrived reason Grandpa Ernie suddenly wanted to compensate his underage employees! Robin thanks Tommy D with a kiss on the cheek, which excites the audience so much I’m convinced at least one member had a stroke.

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And our episode ends with Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang gathering all the guest stars and extras to regale the customers as well as you and me with a rousing rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” And it would be a Merry Christmas if it weren’t for the fact that it’s June and that I’m watching The New Class. At least it’s the last real episode of the season. God, I hate this show.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 24: “The Fallout”

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Isn’t it great that, a whole six weeks after we had part one of this huge ripoff of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up, we finally get to have part two? Yes, after touring the seas on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, learning the evils of cigarette smoking at the mall, and even witnessing Screech’s delusions of importance in his own mind, we’re back at the ski lodge which, if you can remember from six weeks ago, is now buried in snow. So, do we get a recap of this episode to remind us what happened?

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Of course not! You’re supposed to remember everything that happened over a month ago because we go directly to Ryan obsessing over a photo of Lindsay and pulling the petals off a daisy. To be fair, that daisy is the best damned actor in this episode.

Ryan’s pissed that he’s snowed in at the ski lodge and can’t get off this damned show because there was so much snow it trapped them there and now he has to eat food prepared by Lindsay and what’s his name. Seriously, I couldn’t remember the guy’s damned name. After all, he was a living breathing doll six weeks ago that served no purpose other than give Lindsay a girl erection. The snow sure didn’t stop Tommy D from finding a way to make it there, though, because he’s here to give us some more of his stupidity as the rest of the gang come in trying to cheer up Ryan. Aren’t I just lucky.

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Since Ryan doesn’t want to come down stairs for fear of seeing Lindsay and her breathing blow up doll, Screech comes in to try to cheer him up by reminding us of the plot point about the gang running the ski lodge, and to come right out and say he still pines for Lisa. She needs to get a restraining order before she ends up a victim on America’s Most Wanted. Seriously, he’s still obsessed over here when he left Bayside three years ago and, as far as we know, has only seen her three times since? He has issues…

Screech’s talk inexplicably convinces Ryan to get dressed and go downstairs. After all, this plot isn’t going to advance itself!

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Downstairs, Ken and Barbie…I mean, Lindsay and the living breathing plot device…talk about what’s bothering Lindsay: that she hasn’t seen Ryan since she told him that the writers were pulling her strings in a different direction and she’s worried about him. McGuffin tells Lindsay that maybe she should try to talk to him, and Ryan just happens to walk in with the rest of the gang at that very moment. How convinent! Of course, he won’t talk to her, and walks by in the best version of an awkward moment actors on The New Class can cook up.

Ryan sits down for breakfast with the gang and Rachel decides the best way to get Ryan’s mind off Lindsay is to establish the subplot of the week: R.J.’s birthday which, inexplicably, nobody knew about until this very moment so let’s throw him a party and shit! They’re not even trying at this point, are they? Are the writers just phoning this shit in from the beach and saying, “Yeah, let’s do the Lisa’s birthday suplot from ‘The Aftermath’ too except let’s make it R.J. since he’s the blandest character this season”? God, could this show get any more derivitive? Have they never heard of an original plot?

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As if to answer my nightmares, it’s time to introduce the second subplot, involving Grandpa Ernie and his bat-shit crazy friends being involved in a lodge called the “Fraternal Order of the Spotted Hoot Owl.” No, I’m not kidding. They are, seriously, running around imitating this little guy with insane dances and bird calls:

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Now I like owls. Why did The New Class have to go and besmirch their good name with an episode about three old men recently escaped from a mental asylum doing a Daffy Duck-like impersonation of them? I take it all back. Give me the derrivative plots! At least they’re not…this!

But, no, Mr. Belding and Screech decide they can only hope to rise to the level of crazy these three are exhibiting, meaning our third subplot is going to involve the two of them acting crazy to become spotted hoot owls. I can’t believe I just typed that…

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Lindsay and the Maltese Falcoln, meanwhile, makeout on the back deck to console Lindsay over Ryan having emotions regarding the forced break-up bad television writers are forcing him to endure.

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Ryan leads Jackie Kennedy out and sees the kiss. He naturally runs back inside, cursing the writers of The New Class for predictable writing and emotional tug-o-wars.

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Time for the spotted hoot owl initiation to begin, starting with giving them special names and flapping their arms around the room as the extras look on in horror. God, shoot me now…

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Ryan decides the best way to get back at Lindsay is to get a date with pretty girl Sonya, and she must be a knock out, because she says her name and the audience loses their shit. Seriously, somebody needs to get this audience laid before they explode in their pants. I don’t know why they’re so exicted about Sonya. The only other thing she ever did was appear as “Pancake Breakfast Extra” in a 1998 episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. A truly distinguished career she had. But, yeah, Ryan asks her out to dinner that night as Jackie Kennnedy looks on in the background.

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God, this shit again? Yeah, Tommy D, Rachel, and Maria make a video for R.J.’s birthday that includes Mr. Belding and Screech insanely making owl noises anytime someone says, “Who!” Why, R.J. will be able to look back on this tape years later and know exactly why he’s in rehab!

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The next step is to record Lindsay and the mannequin making R.J.’s birthday cake. Unfortunately, they leave Tommy D in charge of the icing and, being a complete dumb ass, he eats all the icing. How many more episodes is he in again?

Ryan comes in and invites Lindsay and her blow-up doll to dinner, saying he’s decided it doesn’t help anyone to be mad.

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At dinner, Lindsay’s surprised that the Pancake Extra came to dinner. Ryan acts about the ass you’d expect, and I’m not defending him like I did Zack Morris. At least Zack Morris was just going on dates to The Max when he was in this plot. Ryan’s putting Lindsay down and giving Pancake Extra Lindsay’s necklace from six weeks ago.

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Lindsay gets pissed when she realizes what’s going on and pours her soup all over Ryan. She drags blow-up doll off to have another make-out session.

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Pancake Extra’s none too happy, either, and pours her soup on Ryan as well. Actually, if my career consisted of pouring hot liquid on a The New Class actor and later being in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, you know, that might not be such a bad career after all.

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The final part of Mr. Belding and Screech’s initiation is to wear ricidulous looking owl costumes and spend the night in an area notorious for grizzly bears. Grandpa Ernie’s just fucking with them at this point, isn’t he? Mind you, if this subplot gets Screech killed, it may be well worth it.

Ryan gets pissed that the gang think he’s a tool for going along with this stupid subplot. He decides to leave in the morning, meaning he’ll miss R.J.’s birthday party.

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On a set with fake snow, some obviously fake bear growls can be heard, and suddenly out pop three people in bear costumes. Of course, as seems to happen in every television show and movie, Mr. Belding believe that these are real bears and run off. At this point, I could have believed this was The New Class‘s actual response for the need to have a grizzly in an episode but, no, it’s Grandpa Ernie and his insane friends. Yeah, they’re fucking with Mr. Belding and Screech.

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At the ski lodge the next morning, Ryan has a very special talk with Mr. Belding, and you can almost hear the manipulative music coming on. Ryan says he doesn’t want to stay at the lodge because of Lindsay. Mr. Belding tells him to get the fuck over it and finish out the season since she’ll be gone in a few episodes anyway. Mr. Belding tells him if he can’t grow the fuck up, he has Mr. Belding’s blessing to leave.

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At R.J.’s birthday party, Mr. Belding and Screech tell all kinds of stupid lies about wrestling grizzlies and shit. Grandpa Ernie’s crazy friends reveal it was them the whole time, and they tell Mr. Belding and Screech they were just fucking with them and they’re now official spotted hoot owls. God that was a stupid subplot.

R.J. watches his video, starting with Tommy D sneezing and being covered in snow Looney Tunes style. Then there’s a special message from Ryan about being at his birthday and then out pops Ryan and shit and happy birthday, bland character who really had nothing to do with this episode! The video must not have been very interesting, too, because Ryan’s presence makes everyone forget to watch the rest and go off to dance instead. How kind of them to be so considerate of all the people who made the stupid thing.

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Ryan takes Lindsay outside and they make-up and agree to be friends for the two more episodes she’s on the show since their love was never much more than making out anyway.  And our episode ends with Ryan and Lindsay going into the party to get some cake and prepare for one more stupid episode at the ski lodge. God, I wish I had some cake instead of thirty less minutes of my life I spent watching this stupid show.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 23: “No Smoking”

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We’re back at the mall this week where Mr. Belding and Screech almost immediately make asses of themselves trying to get off the elevator. We get some dialogue about how Mr. Belding and Screech are setting up for his brother-in-law’s new candy store. Wait…so this episode should have aired before “My Best Friends?” Geez, ever think that would clear up the confusion on why the hell they were working at a candy store? In any case, there’s still no explanation what happened to the sporting goods store so I’m just going to assume Screech somehow blew it up after the whole Air Screech fiasco.

Tommy D approaches them and talks about dressing as Pocohantas. Geez, this episode just took a turn for the worse. I’ll be picturing that all night…

And because I love sharing my pain with you, my loyal readers, here’s an artist’s rendition of what that hideous hybrid might look like…

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Try getting that out of your mind…

The real reason Tommy D’s there is to provide some exposition about Mall Mania, which is apparently an annual event in which mall stores get to show off their merchandise in an elaborate show. Also, we find out one of our subplots for the episode is going to be Screech buying joke candy for the store and we start out this barrel of laughs with Screech tricking Mr. Belding into eating spicy candy. Why does he still have a job anywhere?!?!?!

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Mall Mania mania has spread to Lindsay and Rachel, who hope to be models for the store they’re working at, La Boutique. Ryan just hopes he gets to perv on his current girlfriend and future girlfriend’s breasts at some point in the show.

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Oh, and Tommy D randomly took up smoking. Yeah, it’s never explained why or when he started smoking, but it’s a great introduction for a very special episode no one ever asked for or wanted! The gang judge him slightly for being a smoker but all I can really think of right now is, “I remember when smoking was legal in most public places!”

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At La Boutique, Lindsay and Rachel try to suck up to their boss, Mr. Hugo, but he’s already asked random beautiful women Laura and Ashley to be his models. Also, Mr. Hugo puts any previously effeminate gay stereotype in the history of cinema and television to shame. This guy is so flaming I’m waiting for him to say, “Flame on!” and become the Human Torch.

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Laura and Ashley share stories with Lindsay and Rachel about what it’s like to be a model. One of them pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers one to Rachel who refuses. Lindsay, however, randomly accepts one because the writers of this show have no fucking clue why kids start smoking. Yeah, a random offer from a stranger gets you hooked on cigarettes. Keep telling yourself that.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding can’t stop eating the merchandise so Screech gives him a lollipop that…sticks to your tongue. Geez, no wonder the store was in such a dire financial situation in “My Best Friends” if this is the shit they sell!

Mr. Belding tells Screech that this is a stupid fucking subplot so he should send back all the trick candy. When Tommy D comes in with a fresh shipment, Screech somehow knows telepathically that the candy on the left is trick candy so he tells Tommy D to send that back. Tommy D, being a fucking idiot, immediately which side he’s supposed to send back. Sorry, can’t blame Tommy D being a moron on smoking. He didn’t need nicotine to destroy his non-existent brain cells.

Lindsay, meanwhile, gets ready to smoke her third cigarette of the day because she’s instantly hooked I guess or some shit. Rachel judges her for it. Lindsay hides the cigarette when she sees Ryan coming because she doesn’t want judgment from him. He and R.J. invite the girls to lunch…

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But Lindsay falls behind so she can stare meditatively at her cigarette. Um, prop department, are you sure that’s tobacco in that cigarette and not something slipped in by Johnny Dakota?

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At La Boutique, Ryan hatches a plan to get Mr. Hugo to use Lindsay and Rachel as models. He pretends to be a fashion photographer and says that the girls would be great for getting young people into the store. Mr. Hugo, apparently having just been born yesterday, readily agrees to this…

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…especially when R.J. tickles the hairs on their chinny chin chins.

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Lindsay’s so happy about this turn of events that she gives Ryan a giant kiss. As soon as the audience loses their shit, though, Ryan’s all, “Dayum, girl, your breath stank!” Lindsay’s all, “I’m a casual smoker now so don’t judge me!” Geez, hiding the smoking from Ryan didn’t last long…

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And, naturally, Ryan looks on in the most judgmental face he can muster. So the writers of this show don’t understand why teenagers start smoking nor do they understand how peers typically react to other peers smoking. Yep, this episode is completely out of touch.

At the candy store, Tommy D’s depressed because the football coach demoted him due to his wind sprint times going down. It’s all because of those damned cigarettes instantly affecting his body! Screech manages to get some preachy shit in about how the easiest way to quit smoking is never to start, and Tommy D says he wants to quit but it’s so hard. Screech offers Tommy D some gum to help him, but quickly finds out it’s more trick stuff.

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He tries to stop Mr. Belding before he opens a can with those stupid fake snakes in it but it’s too late! And a load of customers come in with more of those lollipops stuck to their tongues. Mr. Belding gets pissed and tells him to quit this stupid shit before Screech runs the store into the ground.

At the club, R.J. can’t shut the hell up long enough to play stupid muzak. You know, though, with all the teenagers at this club today, The Max must really be suffering from lack of business. Maybe they just shut down on days the gang isn’t there.

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Meanwhile, Lindsay lights up another cigarette and Ryan makes her blow the smoke onto a napkin so she can see what she’s putting into her body. There’s lots of reverse peer pressure as the gang all tell her how dumb it is to smoke and how she may get lung cancer in the future, and, finally, Maria makes her go outside to smoke.

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At La Boutique, Lindsay and Rachel practice for the fashion show.

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But disaster strikes when Lindsay’s cigarette causes an expensive dress to suddenly burst into flames. That’s your problem, Lindsay! You’re not smoking cigarettes! You’re smoking miniature napalm bombs! Mr. Hugo is not amused and fires Lindsay.

So, the reasons given for not smoking in this episode are:

  1. It leaves dirty stains on napkins.
  2. You may get kicked off the football team.
  3. You may get lung cancer in a couple decades.
  4. It’s addictive.
  5. You may set random things on fire.
  6. Your friends will judge you mercilessly for not being exactly like them.

The writers of this show don’t have the slightest fucking clue about how teenagers really think, do they? Not a one of these is going to convince a teenager who either smokes or is thinking about smoking to quit because there’s a possible rationalization for every single one of them. Oh, and number six is just fucking stupid and unrealistic.

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But that doesn’t stop us from continuing this stupid plot as Ryan comes out to judge Lindsay some more. Lindsay tells him to fuck off and that, if he can’t accept her for who she is, maybe they just need to break up and she storms off to consider the fact she’s lost two mall jobs this season.

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It’s time for the Mall Mania party and the writers forget momentarily that this isn’t an episode taking place at Bayside as they have Mr. Belding announce that this is the “Bayside Mall Mania party.” Geez, it’s nice to know Bayside owns the mall now.

Anyway, Mr. Belding talks about how to make a caramel apple and suddenly the audience starts revolting. They came to hear a presentation from candy store manager. What the hell did they expect? Strippers and lap dances?

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Screech saves him by breaking out the “super loop licorice” and tying them up with it. The audience loves it because they’re all high and thus ends our stupid crazy candy subplot.

Tommy D bums a cigarette off Lindsay and tells her he wishes he’d never started. This sends Lindsay into a random dream sequence…

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Where it’s 2020…

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And no one can see her because she’s dead! Yes, this is the worst dream sequence ever. Everyone else celebrates that it’s been ten years since Tommy D quit because Lindsay died. They even have the celebration in the mall because they couldn’t be bothered to break out another set for this episode. What’s worse, though no one is supposed to be able to hear her, Tommy D actually looks directly at her at one point. That’s some great acting there, guys. Strapped on takes were you?

And…what else can one say about this? Lindsay imagines her own death. Morbid.

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It’s time for the fashion show. Maria takes Lindsay’s place to avoid more napalm incidents, but Mr. Hugo’s lost his voice and can’t narrate it. Screech remembers he once narrated a fashion show for Lisa and even mentions how much he sucked at it, and Mr. Hugo gives him the job because we only have a few more minutes left in this episode and what the hell else are you going to do? Tommy D gives Screech some “hiccup gum” by accident to ensure the whole thing goes horribly. We have a horrible, unfunny minute of Screech hiccuping until R.J. scares him. And that served absolutely no purpose whatsoever…

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Lindsay apologizes to Ryan for not listening to his judgments about her smoking and tells him that she’s quitting immediately because, like the time she became anorexic in a week, she’s managed to become addicted to smoking in a couple of days. And our episode ends with Lindsay vowing the only thing that will touch her lips is Ryan’s, at least until whenever the hell the ski lodge episode takes place in this chronology and her lips touch Greg’s. Geez, though, that will make eating and drinking rather difficult if her lips are only in existence to kiss Ryan…

So…final thoughts? It’s a horrible very special episode and will never convince anyone not to smoke. Don’t get me wrong…smoking is a nasty habit and I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. But the preachiness and jugementalism of this episode alone might make a nice argument for me to take it up. Also, if I do get lung cancer, it will prevent me from having to see the next four season of this show. Thanks, The New Class, for convincing me I’ve been wrong all these years!

The New Class Season 3, Episode 22: “Green Card”

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Ah, we’re back aboard the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief for its final voyage before its titanic sinking into obscurity. The gang are all sad and shit that they don’t get to do this unrealistic scenario anymore and have to spend the rest of the season at other places that aren’t Bayside, but don’t fret! They have a treasure hunt to look forward to in today’s subplot so they’re all excited to have the chance to complete this cliche!

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Screech comes over with a bag full of mail for the gang. Now, I assume they stopped off at some island and he picked it up there but, if that’s the case, why’s he been randomly holding onto it all this time. Creepy… Oh, and Tommy D wrote to himself because the longer this show goes on the more special he becomes.

Screech gets a letter from Alison and Maria’s all, “Who the fuck is Alison?” Lindsay explains to her that, last year, while Rachel was dating a really horrible fake Swiss guy, they worked at a golf club whose manager was the unfunny guy from WKRP in Cincinnati. Screech fell in love with his daughter, Alison, right before she conveniently moved to New York for college. They’re still dating but the writers of this show are too lazy to remember that and actually incorporate it into the show more than once a season.

Screech reads the letter in which Alison says that she’s given up all hope of ever returning to his show, much less being a regular, so she’s dumping him for a New York guy and he should just fuck the fucking fuck off.

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The fact that Screech has lost the first girl who’s been stupid enough not to stay five hundred feet away from him since Violet has broken up with him hits Screech hard, and he finds solace in the only place he can in such moments, Mr. Belding’s supple bosoms.

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The gang start planning for the treasure hunt but feel bad that Screech is having a mental breakdown while they’re having as much fun as characters on this show can have without caffeine pills and gambling and shit. Screech comes out and cries at a picture of Alison that we the audience don’t get to see. I’m not so sure the actress who played Alison didn’t revoked the rights for this show to use her image because she was so ashamed of her role on the show.

The gang decide enough is enough and that they have to find a rebound fuck for Screech so he can leave them to their treasuring.

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The gang see Mr. Belding randomly jog by next to a beautiful woman and Ryan decides the solution to their problems is to hook Screech up with the jogger. Tommy D naturally thinks this means a homosexual relationship with Mr. Belding, which may be the most realistic thing he’s said in the last couple of years, but Ryan corrects him and they set their sights on the girl.

Her name is Inge and she’s a model from Germany with the absolute worst German accent in the world. Yeah, I don’t know for sure whether the actress is actually German, but when she sounds like a cross between Mindy from Animaniacs, Gunther from The Simpsons, and Cruella de Vil, it’s strongly suspect that she’s faking an accent and doing a shitty job at it. This is, quite literally, the only acting job this actress ever had, too, so there will never be any confirming or denying this. Was she fucking Peter Engel to get on the show or something?

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Ryan decides there’s no way this girl will date Screech unless she thinks he’s rich, so the boys dress up as Screech’s servants and tell Inge that Screech is just eccentric and doesn’t like talking about his money. She naturally trusts the word of three random guys who followed her back to her room and goes to meet her dream boat.

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The girls, meanwhile, convince Screech it’s been a whole five minutes since Alison broke up with him and he just needs to man the fuck up and get over it by going out with Inge, whom they claim just broke up with her boyfriend. He wants to keep whining and moaning but then he sees Inge and suddenly Alison instantly leaves his mind completely. Geez, way to really make me believe he was torn up over Alison breaking up with him guys. I think I have an easier time believing the Trix rabbit will one day be able to indulge in his sugary addiction that forces him to do things he’s not proud of.vlcsnap-2015-04-23-20h37m50s77

So Screech goes on a date with Inge and it’s time to indulge in the creepy faces that would prompt me to believe I was dating a serial killer.

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But, no, this is the Saved by the Bell universe and she finds him hot and sexy because his father supposedly owns a Volkswagen and despite the fact Screech doesn’t know the difference between Beethoven the composer and Beethoven the dog. As can be expected, there’s lots of Inge misinterpreting what the hell Screech is talking about and she thinks Bayside is a mansion or some shit.

Screech decides to go see his students after his hot date because that’s what people with proper professional boundaries do, right? Screech is madly in love with Inge and reveals that he asked her to marry him.

Mr. Belding finds Ryan and asks him what the hell is up with a woman actually wanting to marry Screech. R.J. reveals that they told Inge Screech was rich and Mr. Belding gives the moralistic command for them to tell Inge the truth. Oh, wow, we might finish this episode ten minutes early! After all, no sane person would marry Screech for reasons other than money!

The gang tell Inge the truth and she’s all, “That’s okay! He’s hot and charming.” Oh. The’re going to continue this shit another ten minutes, aren’t they?

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Mr. Belding tries to talk Screech into slowing things down since there has to be some sort of plot twist to make someone want to be Mrs. Samuel Powers. Screech is all, “Fuck that shit! I haven’t had sex since Alison left last year! I’m getting my dick wet!”

Meanwhile, oh, yeah, there’s a treasure hunt going on, isn’t there? The gang start finding clues and figure out they need to go to the cafe. They figure out they need to go to the shuffleboard court but, on the way, they spot the conflict.

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See, meet Rolf, Inge’s boyfriend, who has an even worse German accent than Inge, if that’s possible, and he’s definitely not German as his actor was in an episode of The College Years. We get some exposition dump because Rolf’s upset that Inge’s going to marry Screech to get a green card but Inge promises him that she can’t stand his touch and will divorce him as soon as she’s an American citizen. They kiss just as the gang round the corner and see them. The gang try to make a stealthy exit but knock down a waiter so that we can drag this shit out another five minutes or so.

The gang find Screech and try to tell him the truth, but he has a hard time believing that he’s the victim of yet another cliched plot and that he’s being used worse than he was by Punky Brewster. Inge comes in and claims that Rolf is her brother and that, in Germany, siblings just randomly romantically kiss. Screech, being an idiot and all, believes her and decides they should get married immediately so they can fit it into this episode. Tommy D randomly reminds them the captain of a ship can marry a couple, which he gets a nice slap upside the head from Lindsay for, and Screech and Inge rush off to get ready for unholy matrimony.

The gang decide to sneak in Inge’s cabin looking for evidence that she’s not who she says she is and find papers  for her to receive a green card, already signed as the wife of Screech Powers. They decide this is solid proof she’s using Screech, and it apparently is for this show’s conventions since Rolf comes in and finds them. In true Scooby-Doo villain form, Lindsay reveals the entire thing to Rolf, who promptly takes the application and locks the six in the cabin.

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Screech decides to show more creepy faces as Mr. Belding tries to convince him he has four more bad seasons left on this show and shouldn’t leave just yet. Rolf comes in and tells Inge about the gang. In response, Inge convinces Screech to start the wedding immediately in order to give us some non-existent tension to the story. Screech tells them he wants to wait for his friends who are actually his students but they’re also his friends since no one has any boundaries on this show, and Rolf tells him they aren’t coming because they still don’t believe Inge really loves Screech.

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In the cabin, the gang decide the solution to their problems is to push Lindsay out a port hole and into the swimming pool. And we get what may be the worst acting Natalia Cigliuti has ever delivered on this show, and that’s really saying something. She’s supposed to sound like she’s scared that she’s falling out a port hole but I have an easier time believing that Inge’s German or Screech is likable than that she’s scared.

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The captain starts the ceremony but, lucky for the plot, Screech is allergic to Inge’s flowers, which delays shit long enough for the gang to show up, trick Rolf into revealing the green card papers since he’s an even bigger idiot than Tommy D, if that’s possible, and save the day.

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Screech is depressed that he was used by a really bad actress and Mr. Belding consoles him that, one day, he’ll meet a girl who really loves him and she might even let him give her a Dirty Sanchez in a shitty porn film.

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Just when Screech thinks things can’t get any more contrived, he accidentally turns over the podium, revealing the treasure and our episode ends with Screech vowing to spend the money on the people who really love him, which means he’ll be donating it to some Buddhist monks somewhere with an extraordinary degree of compassion for idiots.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 21: “Casino ID’s”

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Well, we’re back on the good ‘ole S.S. Suspension of Disbelief this week…

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…and speaking of suspension of disbelief, the writers of The New Class expect us to believe that, not only did Tommy D read Moby Dick (“It’s like Free Willy but with words!”) but he fully comprehended it and wrote a fifteen page book report! Boy, the writers of this show sure expect us to buy a lot of unlikely scenarios, like that Tommy D knows how to read. I think I believe Screech is an alien more than this.

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But, don’t worry, we’re soon back to believable stuff as Tommy D is such an idiot he lets the report float over the side of the deck and into the swimming pool. He soon jumps in hoping to retrieve it. Let’s hope it’s a shallow pool and the rest of the episode is all about him being in a coma.

But, no, this is all just a bit of time wasting to pad out the episode with something totally not funny. No, the main plot is that the ship is having a casino night on Saturday but Bayside students are specifically not invited. Yes, the announcement precludes them by name. The gang’s bummed out they don’t get to go to casino night because they want to gamble away all the money they don’t have.

No, instead they’ll be spending Saturday night watching I Was a Teenage Shark with Mr. Belding and Screech. After Jaws, I only watch shark related films if they involve tornados and star Tara Reid and the fourth most important guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Also, Sreech randomly tells them that Sunday is Mr. Belding’s birthday and, since he’s learning from Screech’s inappropriate professional boundaries, expects his students to throw him a party and buy him presents. Wow, I would never let my children step foot in Bayside.

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We cut to a class where we discover that, not only did Mr. Belding and Screech leave Bayside without an administrator for two months, but they also brought along an art teacher, Mr. Hathaway, because no one back at Bayside wanted to take art this semester anyway! The assignment is for the class to draw R.J.

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Oh, Tommy D, never change! Maybe you’ll show up in the Darwin Awards one day!

Screech randomly comes in and tells the gang he’s throwing a surprise party for Mr. Belding Sunday at 2:00 and that they all need to bring presents because you always get your principal presents for his birthday. Lindsay says that Mr. Belding’s not just a principal; he’s their friend because when I was in high school I liked hanging out with my principals. She says they need to get him something nice but Rachel reminds her they’re teenagers on a boat with no source of income. That’s when Ryan suggests they draw pictures to earn money.

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That’s when the gang locate a V.R. Troopers villain and offer to paint her. No, seriously, this actress played Despera on V.R. Troopers. Between this and her appearances in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and Baywatch Nights, I think it’s safe to assume that the casting department of The New Class only goes for top notch quality actors!

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Anyway, yeah, the painting sucks but Tommy D and Rachel come in pretending to want to buy the painting because it’s so awesome and, since she’s an idiot and keeps taking bad roles, she believes them and buys it herself. They scam a few people this way and end up with $300 to buy a present for Mr. Belding.

Ryan, meanwhile, wishes he could figure a way for them to get into casino night so they can no doubt have conflict avoiding the money they just stole. Tommy D suggests in typical, stupid Tommy D style that they just get Maria to paint them fake ids.

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No, seriously, what’s the plan? This is worse than the McLovin drivers license from Superbad. Plus, each of the gang takes a photo with the same ID, just with the name changed. Even if it did work, I think the casino would notice that all six of you morons had the same address, hair, eyes, height, weight, and birthday. But this is the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, where all manner of idiocy is possible!

Screech walks in on them and just randomly believes they’re making a giant card for Mr. Belding because he’s an idiot. He asks the gang to distract Mr. Belding tomorrow so he can decorate the stateroom for Mr. Belding’s party and leaves because we just needed that bit of time wasting.

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At the movie, Screech seriously puts forty bags of popcorn in the microwave at once because he’s a moron. Mr. Belding subtly suggest a bunch teenagers buy him a watch for his birthday, and Screech sings a song about sharks and jeans because how could this episode get any dumber?

Ryan comes in with the fake ids and, just as Mr. Belding starts the movie, the gang sneak out.

Of course, the gang get into casino night because the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief could only afford to hire security that has no concept of the worst fake ids ever. The girls go for the slot machines and Rachel almost immediately wins a whopping $1.25. We’re in the money!

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Ryan goes for the roulette table, where he finds himself on a winning streak.

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Tommy D finds himself at the black jack table where he knows absolutely nothing about the game. He meets a woman named Hilda, who decides she wants to watch Tommy D play black jack and offers to back him so she can watch him play.

Ryan’s up $100 and, since we’re nearly twelve minutes into the episode and need some actually conflict, he ignores R.J.’s objections that this is a stupid plot point that can only turn out badly bets his $100 plus $100 of the money they stole for Mr. Belding’s present.

The girls get bored of slot machines and decide that gambling is really dumb. Tommy D, though, wins at blackjack and Hilda decides to give him a special present to celebrate his helping her win.

Ryan loses all the money on the next hand while the girls decide to leave the casino. Ryan puts the rest of the money down in an attempt to win back the money.

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Screech, being an idiot, is surprised to find out that putting forty bags of popcorn in the microwave is an idiotic idea and meets the girls, who mention casino night, which is totally not suspicious. It gives Screech the idea to win some money and buy Mr. Belding a better birthday present.

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Hilda tries to make Tommy D wear the jacket of an ’80s hair metal band singer. Even Tommy D has the intelligence to see that something’s not quite right with this Hilda woman and runs away while he has the chance.

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Screech decides to out-idiot Tommy D buy playing the change machine. Yes, Screech believes getting four quarters for a dollar is super terrific! He doesn’t see Ryan and R.J. just on the other side of the casino, though, meaning that the only purpose for this scene was to convince us Screech is a fucktard, which I needed no convincing to believe.

Ryan loses the rest of the money and prepares to face Lindsay, because she’s apparently going to be more upset about this than the rest of the gang.

The next day, Ryan and R.J. find Tommy D, who’s being chased by Hilda. Hilda tells Ryan she wants to give Tommy D a blow job to thank him for her winning streak but Ryan tells her that what Tommy D likes more than oral stimulation is a watch from the boat’s gift shop.

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The girls, meanwhile, take Mr. Belding to lunch to distract him from seeing Screech decorating. Mr. Belding, of course, expects a bunch of teenagers to buy him lunch but they just act like they have no idea it’s his birthday despite all his obvious pandering for presents. Mr. Belding goes away thinking everyone’s forgotten his birthday, even though he was there two days ago when Screech told everyone. None of this makes any fucking sense!

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Hilda comes to give Tommy D the watch but R.J. comes down dressed as the “ship’s physician” and tells Ryan that Tommy D’s contracted dolphin pox so he’s in quarantine. Hilda’s sad that she won’t get to give him the watch personally but Ryan offers to do it for her. Uh, it’s obvious how this is going to end. Why didn’t Ryan just have Tommy D accept the watch so they could turn around and give it to Mr. Belding? I mean, that would solve the obvious ending this episode is going to have. But that would make too much sense and it wouldn’t allow them to dress a cast member in a bad costume.

Mr. Belding finds the surprise party and Lindsay gives him the gang’s present. He loves the watch because it was given to him by teenagers who couldn’t afford it without stealing people’s money.

Hilda comes in and asks them to keep it down since she’s in the room across the hall. Oh, surprise ending, you’re so surprising! She sees Tommy D and then asks Ryan whether he gave Tommy D the watch.

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Ryan admits the whole plan and Rachel admits for the rest of the gang that they went to casino night. Mr. Belding tells them they all get detention on a boat for next week. I seriously don’t know what he expected out of this group. He did bring them on a boat knowing what they’re like.

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Hilda realizes she almost made a grave mistake in trying to jump Tommy D’s bone, possibly one of the few times a character is ever grossed out by underage sexual relations. She takes the watch back and runs as far away from this show as she can, never to be seen again.

Lindsay says she’s going to have a hard time forgiving Ryan for this because she, for some reason, took this all harder than the rest of the gang. Maybe this is the long awaited prequel to their breakup…WHICH WE’VE ALREADY FUCKING SEEN! Mr. Belding says that, even though he made lots of unreasonable suggestions for teenagers to buy him gifts, the best gift is their presence because we needed some sort of contrived ending to all this.

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And our episode ends with Screech making microwaves explode with popcorn, because he will always be a moron because there is no cure for whatever the hell he is.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 20: “R.J.’s Handicap”

Still no resolution to the Ryan-Lindsay break-up? No? Okay, just checking. Usually when I see the words “To Be Continued,” I expect to have a continuation of the story in a timely matter, but this is The New Class so it’s my fault for expecting them to make sense.

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No, instead, we’re starting an arc of episodes on board a boat because if there’s anything that says Saved by the Bell to me, it’s a boat.

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Our gang’s on a boat for two months for a “semester at seas.” They claim the boat is the S.S. Morning Starr, but I’ll be referring to it as the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief. Although does this mean that Suite Life on Deck copied off The New Class? If so, that’s just sad.

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We join our gang, who are excited to be on a boat, especially Maria, who’s already oogling a sailor who’s way too old to date a high school student.

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Mr. Belding and Screech join the non-stop excitement.

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Screech suggests they get a photo of Mr. Belding with the students and I guess at least this time they brought along some extras to make it look legitimate and not like the school principal is taking the same six kids around the world all the time. Speaking of which, how did a school principal manage to convince the school board to let him go with a bunch of teenagers on a boat for two months? Oh, well, I guess anything’s possible on the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief!

Also, Screech falls overboard while trying to take the photo. You know, if this arc results in the drowning death of Screech, it might not be so bad after all!

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The next morning, Mr. Belding briefs the gang on why they’re on the boat when Screech decides to harass a random old woman whom he believes is a student. Two issues: Screech has no concept of relative age and Screech doesn’t seem to have a grasp of who the students are they brought along. Why did Mr. Belding bring him on this trip again?

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While the rest of the gang go to enjoy swimming and shit on their fifteen minute break before class, R.J. tries to impress a random girl he meets named Carla. Since R.J. is quite incompetent at life, he doesn’t know how to sit in a chair and repeatedly trips over stuff. We do find out R.J.’s real name is Ronald Joseph because I guess that’s supposed to be funny and embarrassing like Slater’s real first name despite the fact it seems like a relatively normal name given that I know multiple people named both Ronald and Joseph. They agree to meet later to talk about mutual attraction and plot points.

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Nobody wants to be in class so Ryan, for the second time this season, convinces Mr. Belding that something physical is occurring when it’s quite obvious nothing’s happening. Yes, the entire class, extras included, act like the boat is rocking when it’s obvious they aren’t moving and Mr. Belding buys it and becomes sickened by Screech randomly bringing in a tray of liver and onions. He dismisses the class as he goes off to throw up because he’s the most easily impressed person in the world.

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On deck, Maria sees her hot sailor again and, despite the fact she practically puts her breast in his ear, he doesn’t notice her at all because, for once, someone’s setting appropriate boundaries with minors in the Saved by the Bell universe. But Ryan believes he can get the sailor to ask Maria to the dance, leading Lindsay into one of the worst attempts at fake laughing I’ve seen in my life.

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R.J. finds Carla and whispers sweet nothings about love at first sight. They take a Cosmopolitan love quiz together and R.J. asks Carla to the bon voyage dance Friday night, because, even the S.S. Suspension of Disbelief needs a dance to nicely wrap up the episode in a bow.

The rest of the gang come over and meet Carla. Tommy D suggests Maria asks Carla how to get a date and Lindsay smacks him upside the head. This doesn’t fit into the plot in any way but it’s just very satisfying to see Tommy D suffer physically.

The gang ask Carla to play ping pong with them and…

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…oh…it’s going to be that sort of episode. Yay for ripping off the plot of “Teen Line.” Of course, R.J.’s instantly freaked out by a wheelchair though the rest of the gang seems to be taking it fairly well.

After a commercial break, we join the gang in their cabin as they discuss how lucky they are they weren’t born with any ailments that would put them in a wheelchair and make douches like Zack Morris and R.J. treat them differently. They think R.J.’s great for dating a girl in a wheelchair but R.J.’s just counting down how many episodes he has left on this show.

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On deck, Screech decides to try and teach a PE class but almost immediately throws his volleyball overboard. Oh, S.S. Suspension of Disbelief, you’re just a magical place where anything’s possible!

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Ryan puts his plan into motion to get the sailor to ask Maria out. He and Tommy D pretend like they’re fighting over Maria in front of the sailor. She says she doesn’t want either of them because she already has her eye on someone else. It actually seems like it’s going to work as the sailor’s appropriate boundaries begin to break down.

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But Tommy D suddenly forgets he’s acting and starts demanding a little bit of Maria action, which is why you never involve Tommy D in anything you want to be successful.

Carla comes in and the gang invite her to go swimming with them. She agrees to go when R.J. says he’ll help her into the water while making it sound like a chore that he would dare have to help someone he likes.

In the classroom, everyone’s relaxed but then they realize they forgot to do their biology projects that were just barely mentioned. Ryan comes up with a plan to fool the world’s two dumbest educators.

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The gang run around the room looking for  their poisonous “giant flying vampire crab.” Naturally, since Screech is a complete dumb ass, he buys it without any thought and his ineffectual leadership leads to chaos in the room. Mr. Belding comes in and the chaos continues as he dismisses the class to go look for imaginary animals. Why again does the school board trust these two to take a group of teenagers on a boat for two months?

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On deck, Carla finally decides to acknowledge R.J.’s standoffishness. Carla’s all, “You don’t want to take me to the dance because I’m in a wheelchair!” because that’s the only explanation for why R.J. could be distant. Yeah, she was right, but it sounds like she’s sort of insecure about her disability if that’s the first conclusion she comes to for every negative emotion.

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Maria decides she should have just been honest with the sailor to begin with so she decides to go ask him out. She does just that and, good lord, I’ve found the worst sounds known to humanity…

Good lord, that voice makes Gilbert Gottfried seem like a serene sound bird by comparison. I’d rather listen to a Yoko Ono song sung by William Hung than ever hear that man talk again. The voice of Kermit the Frog and the Alvin the Chipmunk’s love baby would be more tolerable than this. I’d rather listen to John Kerry do a Mr. Smith Goes to Washington style filibuster than hear that man. Bjork, on her worst days, sounds better than this.

I think what I’m trying to say is I find him very displeasing to listen to.

Carla says hi to the gang for the sole purpose of being cold to R.J. in front of the rest of them. Ryan figures out something’s up and R.J. tells him he broke the date because of disability. Ryan’s all, “Anyone would have trouble accepting a wheelchair.

Now this is where I have a problem. Maybe I’m just exceptionally enlightened but I wouldn’t have a problem at all dating an attractive and intelligent person who happened to be in a wheelchair. Is this really a thing? Are people really so vain that they’d let something like a disability choose who they would consider romantically?

Unfortunately, I have a feeling the answer is yes and that, for once, The New Class is closer to being accurate than I wish it was. As for R.J., he decides he’s been a jackass and that it’s time to make up with Carla.

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No time for that, though. Mr. Belding and Screech put on their best retarded faces as they’ve realized they’re the second and third biggest idiots on the ship. They ground the gang to their cabins instead of letting them go to the dance to teach them a valuable lesson about tricking those stupider than you, right after they proceed to trick Tommy D into thinking there’s a giant flying vampire crab in his chair just because it’s funny to see Tommy D trying to deal with life.

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In their cabin, the gang mope around and R.J. bemoans the fact he won’t be able to apologize to Carla. Ryan gets the idea, though, that, if they do their project, maybe Mr. Belding will let them go to the dance and we can finally wrap up all these plot points.

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This involves them getting food for the galley and doing a project on the food chain of fish, which sounds like it’s age appropriate for first graders. Since we’re running out of time, though, Mr. Belding accepts their project and lets them stay for the rest of the dance.

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Awful Voice finds Maria and starts talking but Maria tells him he’d prefer if he just pretended he was in bed with her right now and shut his damned fucking mouth before she rips out his vocal chords. And thus ends our “Maria wants to go to the dance with a horrible sounding sailor” subplot.

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R.J. finds Carla and apologizes for treating her like shit. She forgives him instantly since we’re running out of time. They dance…

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…and our episode ends with the audience losing their shit because R.J. decides he only has one chance to kiss Carla so he better make it good.

Firsts: S.S. Morning Starr, R.J.’s first name (Ronald Joesph).

The New Class Season 3, Episode 19: “Screech’s Dream”

In case you were hoping for the thrilling conclusion of the ripoff moving plot from last week’s episode, you will be sorely disappointed…for a while. All I can say is this episode better not involve a threesome with Mr. Belding and Lisa…

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No, it’s another stupid clip show episode all about how awesome Screech is. Okay, realism out the window. We open with Screech writing a report for Cal U about his time at Bayside. Mr. Belding comes in and gives him the assignment to file some folders and check on the chalk in the classrooms…as you do with an administrative assistant…and Screech resents he’s being made to do some actual work instead of just following whatever the plot of the week demands. He feels like he’s a loser, which is some incredible introspection for him of such depth I didn’t think he was capable of.

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He puts on a funny face, and suddenly we’re transported to a mysterious land…

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…where Mr. Belding wears white suits because he’s an angel! No, seriously this is their bad ripoff of It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s 2015, twenty years in the future. Screech has been sleeping for twenty years and an internet reviewer exists to tear apart all the inconsistencies of one of the worst shows of all time, including the fact that they’re not even trying to make him look like he’s aged.

So Angel Belding’s plan is to show Screech the gang one by one along with clips from relevant episodes that show Screech made a difference in their lives. And none of the gang have aged, either, because the make-up artist was all, “Fuck this shit,” this week.

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We have R.J., who’s become a rock star and movie star because Screech saved him from the unscrupulous agent. Ah, fast and loose interpretation of the clips I see. Actually, if you remember, it was Ryan and Maria who saved him from the unscrupulous agent. Screech only went along with their plan so Screech did jack shit to help R.J.

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Then there’s Maria, who became an Olympic gold gymnast because Screech taught her not to be afraid of one setback. Nah, that was a stupid episode all around and she would have gotten over it herself.

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Ryan married Lindsay and had two kids, Screech and Screechina, and a dog named Little Belding, and it’s all because Screech taught them to get along when the Valley kids came to Bayside and no one liked them. Uh, given the events of the last episode, Screcch must be hallucinating right now because I don’t think Ryan and Lindsay are going to marry after she dumped him. So, once again, Screech does jack shit that matters.

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Tommy D became a rocket scientist, and you can tell because of his glasses and white jacket. And it’s all because Screech convinced him not to drop out of school. Uh, first, that was Mr. Belding’s plan with Tommy D’s father. Second, Tommy D will become a rocket scientist around the time Justin Bieber becomes a good musician.

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Maria became a race car driver because Screech taught her to be a responsible driver. Uh, actually he taught you that begging can convince your teacher to raise your grade and lead to you being in an accident, so Screech actually harmed you here. And Rachel became Miss America because Screech had an inappropriate relationship with her in the prom episode. If you tell me she married Screech, I’m ending this review right here.

So, after all this, Screech now has a big head. Angel Belding shows Screech some of the times he’s messed up to make up for it, like the time he had Tommy D and Bobby hit Mr. Belding in the face with pies, or the time he had James the Actor pretend to give Mr. Belding an award. Exactly! Screech is stupid and incompetent! Fire him now!

All this leads to what happened to Screech.

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Why, he became principal of course, because you don’t need a teaching degree or an administrative degree, experience, or apparently even consciousness in the Saved by the Bell universe to become a principal. No, fuck all that shit! All you really need is an audience gullible enough to throw all believability to the wind and accept whatever half baked story Hollywood’s worst writers throw at them. Also, if he was asleep for twenty years, how could he become principal? This episode can’t even be bothered to be consistent about its plot, if that’s what you want to call this framing story. God I hate this show…

So all this episode has convinced me of is that Screech is a fucktard and that the editors are good at taking clips and splicing them together out of context to try and make Screech look good.

Screcch wakes up and realizes it was all a dream, which means he somehow fell asleep with his eyes open and a stupid look on his face. Maybe Johnny Dakota came back and gave him some bad mushrooms which lead to a hallucination. It would be better than this stupidity. He realizes how important the show wants us to believe he is and finishes his report to Cal U.

vlcsnap-2015-04-13-08h25m46s163And our episode ends with the sad realization that this show isn’t getting better anytime soon…

The New Class Season 3, Episode 18: “Lindsay’s Dilemma”

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We open at the ski lodge. Yeah, it’s the exact same set as last season, the one that five members of our cast were present for, but the writers hope you don’t remember that because this time it’s owned by Screech’s grandfather, Ernie Powers, who they try to pass off as being as bat shit crazy as Screech. Funny how he can’t pull it off, even while trying. Also, it’s quite clear that the one thing that would have made last season’s shitty ski lodge episodes complete was Screech’s grandfather. Oh, if only they’d known then.

They’re there for the ski club’s Christmas trip, and, apparently only our gang are members of this club. At least last season’s ski lodge episodes brought Ron and some other extras along. This one…isn’t even trying to look legitimate. It’s like the producers were like, “Hell, there’s no possible way they’ll renew us for a fourth season so why even try!” Screech introduces the gang to his grandfather and randomly tells him Tommy D won’t be there for a few days because he’s taking make-up exams, as if Screech’s grandfather knows who Tommy D is. I guess the legend of Tommy D’s stupidity has spread far and wide through this universe. We also discover Screech obsesses over Mr. Belding and talks about him all the time. I think Mr. Belding needs to watch out lest he become a victim in this web of ickiness.

Mr. Belding suggests they get settled in and Ernie quickly puts on a stereotypical bellboy hat in order to help them. Turns out he had to let the old bellboy go due to declining business after the opening of Royal Crest Resort, a new ski resortwhose sole purpose in life seems to be to make Ernie’s life hard. Also, there’s no snow at a ski lodge on a mountain meaning Ernie must have picked the worst spot to set up a ski lodge and that his financial problems are partly his own damned fault.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h01m23s80

Meanwhile, Ryan and Lindsay do what they do best: put on public displays of affection while the audience loses its shit. And since this episode expects me to give a damn about Ryan and Lindsay’s relationship, let me just say that, in this history of this franchise, I find this to be the most unbelievable relationship they’ve ever presented. The only thing we ever see Ryan and Lindsay do together that friends couldn’t do is kiss. We get no character building episodes around their relationship and it’s easy to forget half the time they’re supposed to be a couple. Fuck, I hate to say it but she and Tommy D had better chemistry…

After Lindsay leaves, Ryan shows R.J. a pendant he’s planning on giving Lindsay because they’re super serious and will be together forever. I’m sure this in no way foreshadows relationship difficulty within the next twenty minutes…
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In the restaurant, the gang find the food undigestible since Ernie’s old cook left to go to the new ski resort, leaving Ernie to be the cook, but Rachel and Maria find the waiter and sole remaining employee of the lodge, Greg, very digestible. They instantly decide they want his hot man chowder in them.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h06m05s75

Also, Ernie nearly sets the kitchen on fire because, if you haven’t figured it out yet, he sucks at life.

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Rachel and Maria continue oogling that hot piece of Greg that keeps wondering around but neither want to talk to him so Lindsay does it for them. Yeah, because telling a guy your friends like him makes them look so good. Lindsay finds out Greg is loyal to Ernie until the end because Ernie paid a year’s tuition to college for him and that he wants to teach inner city kids and shit. Greg thinks it’s a shame that Lindsay has a boyfriend because, if he’s going to be charged with statutory rape, he’d love to do it with Lindsay. Ryan comes in and kisses Lindsay right after since kissing is their thing, and the audience loses their shit again. God, the audience is easily impressed this episode.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h08m20s150

Mr. Belding comes out and introduces the musical act, Ernie and Screech, and it’s one of the worst musical numbers I’ve ever heard on this show. That’s really saying something. It’s so bad the rest of the guests all simultaneously decide to leave and go to the ski resort because staying at a place owned by Screech’s relatives can only lead to trouble.

Ernie decides it’s time to admit it’s over. He’ll cancel the guests due to arrive tomorrow morning and shut down.

In the kitchen, Lindsay and Greg flirt over whipped cream and peanut butter and remind the audience Lindsay has a boyfriend and this will probably lead to conflict, in case the audience are idiots and couldn’t figure it out for himself. Ryan comes in and suggests they do something to help Ernie.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h10m22s86

Man, business must be really bad if they can’t even afford ink pens! The gang come in and tell Ernie not to cancel the next batch of guests. They’re going to work for Ernie because a temporary Band-aid of free teenage labor is going to solve all Ernie’s problems. Also, Lindsay gets to work in the kitchen with Greg because she got an A in home ec so that obviously makes her an expert in cooking.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h11m47s180

The new guests arrive and immediately wonder why there’s no snow at a snow lodge. Ryan deflects their question, and sends them to the front desk, where Rachel magically knows what room each guest is in before they even open their mouths. Guess she picked up a few pointers from the Psychic Friends Network. R.J.’s a bellboy, and Mr. Belding is assistant manager to Screech’s general manager because we needed a randomly unhappy Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h13m08s209

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, things heat up between Lindsay and Greg as they bond over  tuna casserole, because tuna casseroles get me in the mood for hot fucking. They hug, and the audience loses their shit, because hugging is like second base or some shit.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h13m32s177

R.J. flirts with old women and Mr. Belding gets pissed off that Screech has him bussing tables. Oh, the excitement just builds.

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The dinner is a success and Ryan tells Lindsay and Greg to take a break so they can get to know each other even better, which means they both admit they like th other and kiss. Lindsay’s all, “[Insert forced conflicted feelings here]!” They kiss and the audience is really going to lose their voices if they keep losing their shit like this every few minutes.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h15m05s91

Ryan comes out and gives Lindsay the pendant, oblivious to the fact she’s being so distant because he obviously never saw the episode of Saved by the Bell this is ripping off to know what’s coming next.

Screech and Ryan do the opening announcements but the guests are pissed off there’s still no snow. That infernal ski resort has brought in a snow machine so they’re all going to randomly go there the next day.
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In the girls’ bedroom, Rachel and Maria practically wet themselves when they find out Greg likes someone in the gang but, when Lindsay tells them it’s her and that she likes him back, they’re all, “You’ve got to tell Ryan immediately! You’re not allowed to like another guy while simultaneously dating one guy!” vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h19m40s17

Ryan’s plan to keep the guests at the lodge, meanwhile, is to spray paint every window in the building with fake snow to make it look like a blizzard came and snowed them in. The idea is that real snow is coming in forty-eight hours so they need to keep the guests there long enough for real snow to come. They also super glued the windows shut so the guests can’t find out the truth. Oh, there’s a million ways this can go wrong.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h20m35s94

When Mr. Belding tries to open the door to find out for himself, a blast of fake snow comes blowing at him. One, how could they afford a giant fan and fake snow. Two, how can Mr. Belding not see hat everything else is green outside?

But everyone in this universe is an idiot so they all believe Ryan and no one thinks to open the door again. So the gang throw a winter party to entertain the guests.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h21m19s245

Fun activities include cups of hot chocolate and taking pictures behind cardboard snowmen. Boy, no one knows how to throw a party like Saved by the Bell! Mr. Belding and Screech have an argument in which they accidentally push the patio doors open and the guests see there’s not really any snow. Geez, that rouse lasted about a minute.

Ryan admits what they did and that Ernie knew nothing about this scheme but the guests rarely have human contact and think this is all fun so they’re going to stay anyway because we need a forced happy ending before our forced sad ending.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h22m21s107

And, at that very moment, it starts snowing. Oh, it’s a winter non-miracle!vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h23m11s97

Lindsay tells Ryan the truth and give him back the pendant. Ryan gets understandably pissed that Lindsay can’t articulate what she likes about Greg more than him, especially considering no one can really articulate why they liked each other to begin with other than both were there and available. Ryan storms off, pissed off, and Lindsay can’t believe Ryan won’t talk to her after she just dumped him for another guy. Our episode ends with those three words that mean I’m going to have to suffer through another twenty-one minutes of idiocy in what will, no doubt, be another rip off of the Zack Morris and Kelly break-up.vlcsnap-2015-04-11-14h23m43s164

Firsts: Grandpa Ernie Powers, Greg.