Category Archives: The New Class Season 3

The New Class Season 3, Episode 17: “My Best Friends”

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We open at the mall where the writers of this shitty show have decided that they want to do an episode about the girls being best friends despite the fact this hasn’t been their characterization the previous episodes. As a result, Lindsay, Rachel, and Maria have suddenly become like those annoying people you see who can’t take a shit without each others’ presence. In this case, they’re sharing a banana split. Ryan says they’re like sisters and Tommy D reveals that, as per his usual style, he has no fucking clue what Siamese twins are when he tries to make a metaphor for the girls’ relationship. Oh, Tommy D…

A voice comes on the intercom to tell all store employees that today is the last day to sign up for the Palisades Mall shopping contest. Yes, it’s a contest where you have to be an employee to enter because that’s great publicity for your mall! You pick a partner and have five minutes to choose four items that come as close to $1,000 as possible. The team that comes closest to $1,000 without going over gets to keep their items.

After Lindsay’s disastrous stint at the video store, Maria got her a job at some place called the “Teen Machine.” That must be where they mass produce characters for The New Class! Also, it seems Maria couldn’t cut it as a waitress for a Japanese restaurant either. Rachel can’t decide whether to pick Lindsay or Maria for the shopping contest so Ryan flips a coin and it comes up Rachel. But, don’t worry, Lindsay and Rachel promise to share their winnings with Maria and they’re just super happy to be friends!

Ryan wants to enter with R.J. but Ryan has no job so he says he’ll think of something.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h23m52s126

And in walks that something. Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are no longer working for the sporting goods store. No, now they’re working in Sweet Tooth, a candy store! They don’t even try to explain this. They’re just randomly there. And, what’s more, we find out later they’re the only two employees the store has. That…makes no fucking sense. They have jobs as administrators the rest of the week. Is the candy store only open on the weekend? Oh, and, of course, Mr. Belding and Screech are entering the contest together, and Screech manages to knock down a stack of cans that’s just randomly in the food court for some reason.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h24m30s0

Ryan goes in the candy store and sucks up to Mr. Belding and Screech enough that they hire him as a third employee. Since this is convenient to the plot, they’re not able to see through Ryan’s bullshit.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h27m11s75

We next get to see the “Teen Machine” which is an underage club that uses a really bad redressing of The Max as its headquarters. And, I have to warn you, there’s lots of bad singing because they’re a karaoke bar. Why, this man here is butchering The Brady Bunch theme. He goes for Florence Henderson but it comes out all Yoko Ono. R.J. apparently works there since the sporting goods store went out of existence.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h27m40s95

Lindsay and Maria work the juice bar, and, conveniently their shift is over, which means it’s time for them to give us a bad song that The New Class thinks is karaoke.

My name is Lindsay,
They call me Maria,
We’re both best friends,
To give you some ideas.
She’s the best darn waitress that you’ve ever seen,
And Lindsay dresses good, she’s extra nice, not mean.
We just want to say for tips we will cater,
If you don’t want to hang, then just say
Later!

Do the writers of this show have any idea what karaoke actually is? They know it’s not just someone standing at a microphone singing random thoughts that come into their head as a generic beat plays, right? Jesus this show makes my head hurt…

But their boss apparently loves their stupid little tune so he asks them to come up with a jingle for the costume part on Saturday, plus using teenage employees is a lot cheaper than having to hire someone to actually write a song. They immediately get to it when Rachel comes in wanting to see the new Brad Pitt movie. Lindsay and Maria say they have to work on the jingle and Rachel’s all butt hurt that she has to wait until tomorrow to see Brad Pitt’s muscly arms.

P.S. girls, Brad Pitt’s new movies in 1995 were Twelve Monkeys and Se7en. Not his finest moments, but Se7en does give the opportunity to listen to the soothing voice of Morgan Freeman. That man’s voice could soothe the angriest savage.

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They conveniently have the jingle written by the next scene, and R.J. must be a miracle worker because he can somehow have a full band come out of his console.

On Saturday night,
We’re having a bash,
So tell all your friends,
Dress up and bring cash.

That’s the best you could come up with? THAT’S supposed to bring people in for the party? And it probably will, because the writers of The New Class probably think this is brilliant.

With the song done, Lindsay suggests they go see the movie but Maria asks whether they should call Rachel. Lindsay’s all, “It’s late and Morgan Freeman’s voice would put Rachel to sleep, so let’s go and just keep it a secret from Rachel! That’ll work out great!”

In the candy store, Ryan’s bored because his only customer is Tommy D buying a penny worth of candy. Literally, a penny worth. Mr. Belding says that business has been bad since a new candy store opened up downstairs. Ryan seems worried that things are that bad. No wonder they’re so bad: you’re only open two days a week! I’d say you need to revisit your business plan! But no time for that! Mr. Belding and Screech go off to practice for the contest.

Rachel and Maria come in and let it slip that they went to see the movie without her. Rachel’s upset that they went without her because she was hoping to see Morgan Freeman in a Speedo.

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After a commercial break, Mr. Belding and Screech randomly run through the mall. I’m wondering why security doesn’t stop them before they knock down some old lady.
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Lindsay and Maria go to the clothing store Rachel works at to apologize. They start to talk but then Lindsay and Maria get dog verses squirrel syndrome when they hear their jingle on the intercom and run off so they can have a prime spot underneath a speaker.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h33m39s113

When they realize they left Rachel behind, they run back to try and talk to her but she closes the store because she’s so pissed at them. Uh, I think there are easier ways to ignore people you don’t want to talk to than closing down shop. If this is another of Mr. Moody’s stores, this will not end well…

Now Lindsay and Maria are pissed at Rachel as well and are like, “It’s almost as if this is a horrible plot contrivance to create conflict…”vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h34m07s139

At the Teen Machine, Ryan gives Lindsay a chocolate heart and kisses her, to which the audience loses their shit because they wish someone would touch them. Ryan says he bought it to support the candy store and R.J. reminds him he won’t have to give a damn about it after this episode.

Rachel comes in and says she won’t be Lindsay’s partner for the contest because of the forced conflict in their lives. Lindsay says she’ll pick Maria instead and Rachel says that’s okay because she’ll find someone who will beat both of them.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h35m10s255

And that someone is the second biggest idiot on this show, who can even get the rules of the contest right. Yeah, having Tommy D as a partner is never a winning proposition. Just ask Lindsay and Natalie. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h36m17s151

And it’s immediately time for the shopping contest. This is, quite literally, three minutes of people randomly running around and grabbing shit. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h37m18s2

Highlights include Screech grabbing a two seat bicycle with a mannequin on it…for some reason…vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h37m49s31

And Tommy D picks a giant wheel of cheese, which Rachel thinks is dumb, but which I think is brilliant, but I do like cheese. Come to think of it, how in the world are they going to split these prizes? They only get to pick four things so do they play eanie meanie miney mo to decide who gets what?vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h38m49s138

No time to think about that because Mr. Belding collapses due to exhaustion from training!

With less than a minute left, it looks like Rachel and Tommy D are going to win. They’re at $999 but need one more item so Rachel tells Tommy D to go get a pencil so they’ll win. Tommy D somehow manages to come back with a $500 pencil, putting them over and making Lindsay and Maria the winners. But, in the best moment of the episode, Rachel slaps Tommy D upside the head for being a dumb ass. You know, that was worth this entire episode…vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h40m38s207

After a break, we have some sadness because Rachel and Maria have no one to eat the third scoop of ice cream on their banana split. Solution: Tommy D just grabs the whole thing and eats all three! Ryan’s sick of this bullshit plot that makes them seem like they’re a lesbian polyamorous couple so he hatches a scheme to get Lindsay and Maria back together with Rachel. Ryan tells them the three of them will dress up as the Three Musketeers. When they leave, he tells Tommy D and R.J. to go and see Rachel.vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h41m48s145

At the candy store, Mr. Belding tries to give Ryan his paycheck but Ryan says he can’t accept it. He admits to Mr. Belding and Screech that he only took the job to enter the shopping contest but now he cares about the store so he wants to contrive an unbelievable way for the candy store to survive. This leads Screech to do some horrible dancing to another jingle from the Teen Machine, which gives Ryan an idea of how to convince idiots to visit the candy store. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h42m38s126

At the Teen Machine, Lindsay and Maria are decked out as two of the three musketeers. vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h42m51s246

They’re disturbed to find Ryan’s decided to join the world’s worst impersonators of the Three Stooges. Um, wouldn’t Screech be Curly in this case since he is the dumb ass?vlcsnap-2015-04-06-19h43m33s164

Rachel’s equally disturbed to find out that Tommy D and R.J. came dressed as Batman and Robin, homoerotic undertones and all. They try to force the girls together but they still won’t talk.

Mr. Belding, Screech, and Ryan go on stage and give us one more horrible song for the episode:

Sweet Tooth store, Sweet Tooth store,
We got candy, we got candy,
Gummy bears and lemon drops,
Caramel apples and lollipops,
You’re gonna like it ’cause we’re the tops,
At Sweet Tooth store.

My head is exploding. First of all, does the owner of the Teen Machine not care that another store is randomly doing a promo from his stage? Second, who the hell wrote this and who since the 1950’s has said anything was “the tops?”

Well, they throw some candy into the audience and this is enough to convince all the extras to get their candy from Sweet Tooth, which is too bad since it’s probably closing tomorrow due to the writers having no more use for it.

Meanwhile, Lindsay and Rachel both catch a giant magic candy cane that makes them instantly want to make up with each other. The three decide that, with less than a minute left in the episode, they should find some resolution lest this become a two parter. They all apologize and make up and live happily ever after.

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And our episode ends with seven actors dressed in costumes wondering where their acting careers went wrong.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 16: “Screech’s Millions”

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We open with the girls practicing a cheer routine.

Bayside Tigers, you’re the best,
Bayside Tigers, beat the rest,
Come on, Tigers, say it loud,
Bayside Tigers, we’re so proud.

Well, I guess at least it’s better than the lame ass cheer song we had at the beginning of Saved by the Bell. Why they’re practicing I have no idea because it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode. Seriously, nothing. Nor does the mascot coming up and groping Lindsay. Since R.J.’s been taking Bobby and Weasel’s spots this season, she assumes R.J.’s groping her.

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But no, it’s Ryan, because Ryan could totally fit in a suit someone much taller than him wears. Also, Lindsay thinks Ryan’s molestation is funny.

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Mr. Belding gives a new student a tour of the gym. Okay, no, she’s not actually a student but would it surprise you at this point? I mean, this show has proven over and over again that it has no concept of what a teenager looks like. No, this is actually Edna Frumkin, president of the Golden Gals Self-Defense Club. Turns out Mr. Belding has deals on the side where he rents out the gym to people after hours, and Mrs. Frumkin is renting it out for her group.

Naturally, this gives Ryan the idea that the gang should rent out the gym and make money because making money is his main thing to do this season when he’s not groping Lindsay in tiger costumes. What else would he do, be funny?

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Mr. Belding decides we need a gag of an old lady beating him up so Mrs. Frumkin prepares to beat the crap out of him for not leaving this franchise three years ago.

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Screech comes in to get Mr. Belding his lunch but Screech is broke so he asks for five dollars so he can get himself a sandwich as well. Out of nowhere, we find out Screech has somehow become a gambling addict and is spending all his salary on lottery tickets. Mr. Belding lends him the money on the condition he doesn’t buy any more lottery tickets because they’re nearly as evil as caffeine pills and he throws in an extra dollar so Screech can get them some Twinkies.

Screech comes back with the sandwiches and, since he’s a fucking moron, spent the Twinkie money on a lottery ticket.

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Mr. Belding’s naturally upset he doesn’t get to indulge in his Hostess goodness, and Screech says he used his own birthday and Mr. Belding’s birthday for the numbers and plans to split his winnings. To convince Mr. Belding, we need a ridiculous dream sequence.

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And, oh, look, there just happens to be one right there! Yeah, the dream sequence consists of Mr. Belding and Screech on a yacht talking in ridiculously convoluted voices about how awesome it is to be rich and move Vegas to the coast. Yeah…

Of course, this dream sequence doesn’t convince Mr. Belding, who’s more upset that he was stupid enough to believe Screech has a lick of sense. After all, he was really craving Twinkies! Mr. Belding points out that, if Screech can’t be trusted with a dollar, how can he be trusted with a million more. He does have a point. We saw a few weeks ago what happened last time Screech had money: he spent it on another ’80’s child star. This time he might spend the money on magic beans.

Tommy D comes in with money from the gang. They want to rent the gym for a night, which Mr. Belding agrees to since it’s the first time they’ve ever actually tried to pay to use facilities. And what do they spend their money on, you ask?

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Why a horrible rip-off of Ripley’s Believe it or Not of course! What else were they going to do? Sell spaghetti sauce with Screech’s man chowder in it?

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Their exhibits include Rachel in too much make-up.

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Some random extras with bad haircuts that really date this show.

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And Tommy D, who’s so dumb he’s an exhibit in himself. Though Screech is enraptured by the show since he has the intellect of a two-year old, the extras think this show fucking sucks, and demand the gang to give everyone their money back.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding, in his office, hears the lottery numbers on the radio and realizes Screech actually won the lottery.

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Mr. Belding comes back to tell Screech and Screech takes advantage of the opportunity to faint into Tommy D’s arms, hoping that Tommy D will cop a feel and fulfill a long time fantasy.

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The rest of the episode basically consists of Screech dressing in horrible looking suits and using “posh” mannerisms and voices so over the top they’d make Thurston Howell III blush. Yes, the money naturally goes to Screech’s head and, since he’s only going spend all his money on Rudy Huxtable, the gang decide they need to move in and find a way to take advantage of Screech. This consists of the gang opening up a health club in the school because we need an unrealistic money making scheme for the gang to get involved in. Also, we find out Screech hasn’t cashed in his check yet and is buying all this crap on credit. Gee, I wonder what the end of this episode will be.

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech ties up Mr. Belding’s phone with phone calls about wanting water slides in cars because he’s been watching too many cartoons.

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Mr. Belding leaves while Ryan and Lindsay come in to pitch the health club to Screech. Since we’re all about money this episode, all it takes is a little bit of greed to convince Screech to go along with the plan since he’s more easily influenced than Dustin Diamond when someone actually offers him work.

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And meet Body by Bayside, where you can apparently play musical instruments in band outfits while jogging. Yeah, spoiler alert, this is a subplot that doesn’t go anywhere and isn’t the least bit funny. It does allow the boys and the girls to fight over their next expansion, though. The girls want a clothing boutique and the boys want a juice bar. Screech tells them to whip up presentations for him to see tomorrow because he’s suddenly entrepreneurial and shit. Also, Screech still hasn’t cashed in the ticket yet. Could they make it any more obvious what the end of this episode is going to be?

In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding’s pissed off that Screech hasn’t done any work all day and that the phone won’t stop ringing. Screech has a solution for this.

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He hires Milton and Ron to do his work for him. Since it’s convenient to the plot for once, the writers acknowledge this isn’t the way jobs work at all and Mr. Belding…wait for it…fires Screech! OH HAPPY DAY! DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE! LET THE SUN SHINE!

This is the best possible news I could have received in an episode! Unfortunately, along with it, I have some sad news to report. For those who have loved their twenty-something antics the past three seasons, you will be disappointed to learn this scene marks the final appearances of both Milton and Ron. Alas, ten years in school must have finally been enough for them to graduate! Oh, Milton and Ron, what will I do for the next four seasons without you?

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Yeah, Screech’s response to being fired is to go to The Max and drink milk shakes since we’ve had it established on multiple occasions that alcohol is the devil’s brew and milk-based desert drinks have a similar effect on Screech.

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The gang come in and pitch their ideas to Screech, with Rachel and Maria wearing ridiculous costumes that you’re supposed to be able to exercise in but look more like costumes out of The Brady Bunch Hour. Screech tells the gang he can’t decide right now and to go the fuck away so he can think about how horrible his life is as a rich person.

Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech packs up his things and has a tender moment with the office supplies. Mr. Belding comes in and talks about all the great years they’ve had together, all two of them. Apparently no one can decide how long a season lasts on this show. Screech gives Mr. Belding his lottery ticket and says he wants Mr. Belding to have half the money. He leaves, still sad that someone finally saw through his incompetence.

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In the gym, Screech tells the gang that he’s decided not to invest in their stupid ideas because it’s just making them fight. He also says he’s pulling out of the health club and they need to return the equipment. Screech bemoans the fact he’s rich and unemployed but Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech he’s just unemployed because he couldn’t even get Mr. Belding’s birthday right on the lottery ticket. Gee, what a surprise ending. It’s not like I predicted this like ten minutes ago, especially given how stupid Screech is. Screech is enthused to be back to being poor and Mr. Belding offers Screech his job back. NO! DON’T DO IT! FIRING SCREECH WAS THE SMARTEST THING YOU EVER DID!

Oh, well. I guess on this show incompetence is rewarded with everything working out right in the end for everyone except the sad reviewer who has to keep slogging through this shit twenty years later.

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And our episode ends with a Mercedes dealer coming in to deliver Screech a $60,000 car and Screech taking the opportunity to faint in Mr. Belding’s arms, hoping someone, anyone, will cop a feel.

By the way, I hope you have no illusions regarding a show about high school being set, well, mostly in the school, because this is the last time we’re going to see Bayside in a non-clip show episode this season…

God I hate this show…

The New Class Season 3, Episode 15: “The Principal’s Principles”

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Oh, yay! In case I didn’t get enough of this stupid plot line a few weeks ago, now I get to see The New Class‘s take on it! I’m sure that will go just perfectly!vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h03m23s219

And it opens just perfectly with ethnic stereotypes! Oh, they never cease to amaze me in the Saved by the Bell universe. See, Ryan and R.J. are conducting fake Hollywood tours for people coming to something called “the American Games” so they can make some quick cash. These are all international tourists and they’re conveniently wearing garb stereotypical to their native lands so you can tell they really are foreign since Japanese people always wear kimonos and French people always wear berets when they go abroad. You know, at this stage of the game it shouldn’t surprise me, but the lack of even basic understanding of cultural sensitivity for these writers just surprises me sometimes.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h04m11s204

Oh, and Screech is a complete moron and doesn’t realize it’s all a scam so he buys Ryan’s bullshit that Elvis, Sylvester Stalone, and the cast of 90210 really attended Bayside.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h04m41s249

Mr. Belding comes in and puts a stop to this insensitivity that’s still not quite as bad as Zack Morris dressing in Native American garb and he makes Ryan give he tourists back their money. He and the rest of the gang are bummed because he was going to use the money he made to buy them all tickets for the opening ceremonies of the American Games. Okay, what the hell are the America Games? Was 1995 an Olympic year and they just wanted an excuse to have an Olympic style subplot without the inaccuracy that the Olympics weren’t in Los Angeles? If so, I don’t know why facts stopped them this time. They’ve never consider reality before.

The gang decide that maybe they’ll get a Zack Morris level student principal who will let them do whatever the hell they want in class.
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Their hopes are soon smashed, though, when they find out the student principal will be Franklin, who’s apparently well adapt at kissing Mr. Belding’s ass. They run down the hallway to give some student a detention slip together. The gang decide they have to cut Franklin’s reign of terror short.

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Fun fact: the entire gang sans Tommy D is now in band class, because Bayside has twenty periods a day to accommodate all the extra-curricular activities our gang participates in. Rachel’s suddenly the best member of the band, though this has never been mentioned before…like even hinted at, so Miss Grundy, the band teacher, announces she’ll be student teacher in her place, which means she’ll be conducting a recital solo at the end of the week. I could call bullshit here but this is The New Class and, at this point, I’ll be satisfied if Screech and Franklin don’t trade blow jobs all week in Mr. Belding’s office.

Rachel’s first act as teacher is to have the whole band play a piece that’s supposed to “rock.” Of course, in the Saved by the Bell universe, “rock” means “muzak that we don’t have to pay royalties on” so it naturally sucks.

Ryan puts his plan into motion by telling Franklin that, if he wants to be just like Mr. Belding, he has to insult Screech as much as possible and make Screech his bitch. Franklin, not being used to the way plots in this franchise usually go, buys it hook, line, and sinker.
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In the hallway, Mr. Belding tells Franklin that Screech will be staying on as administrative assistance to give him adult support, which is what I kept saying Zack Morris needed during “Student Teacher Week.” Mind you, having Screech as the adult may be worse than having no support at all.

Franklin starts insulting Screech right away by telling Screech he’s trash and he seriously needs to shut the fuck up. He gives Screech a list of chores including shining his shoes and sterilizing his retainer. So…he treats Screech the contempt anybody with half a brain cell would? Of course, this makes him evil and incompetent in this universe, so Ryan sets the next part of the plan in motion by having Tommy D step in and defend Screech. Despite the fact that Mr. Belding refused to intervene when Zack Morris was doing idiotic things, he intervenes in Franklin’s rudeness, taking away his principal of the week status and giving it to Tommy D since the only thing better than one incompetent person in Mr. Belding’s office is two!vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h13m07s186

And so Tommy D gets to work on the all-important task of wasting pencils! Yes, this is the thrilling scene you’ve been demanding the last three years, in which Tommy D does his part to destroy the rain forest.

Screech brings the rest of the gang sans Rachel into the office for being in the hallway without a pass. Tommy D says he’s going to give them severe spankings but…vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h13m52s122

As soon as Screech is out of the room, the party comes out of nowhere. Tommy D calls Rachel to the office to complete their party but she’s less than thrilled that everyone’s not in class. Oh, I get it. She’s going to be Kelly in this episode, as if that weren’t apparent enough from a mile away.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h15m31s77

In the hallway, Mr. Belding decides to dress like a hippie because that’s what he wore when he was in school. As much as I like ’60s rock, it’s times like this I’m very thankful I’m a child of the ’80s and ’90s. All we had were ridiculous clothes like parachute pants and way too colorful shirts. Oh, the nineties. Screech, after insulting Mr. Belding, acts like an idiot while trying to help him with “his” locker and then, after wasting enough of his time to where he’s in the hallway after the bell rings, issues him a detention slip. Seriously, how does this moron keep a job?vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h16m19s49

In Mr. Belding’s office, Tommy D is down the all important task of sleeping in a hammock he’s somehow put up. It looks like he’s attached it to the blinds which can’t be safe. Maybe he’ll fall and knock his head on the ledge, putting him in a coma and ending this episode early. That would be sweet music to my ears!

Ryan and R.J. come in and wake Tommy D up. They decide they need to make money for the America Games so they come up with the idea of turning the gym into a bed and breakfast for our stereotypical international tourists. vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h17m26s212

So Maria was appointed gym teacher off camera so she abuses her authoriy to get Mr. Belding out of the gym so they can set up for the bed and breakfast. See, they’re under the impression that Mr. Belding will intervene if they do something stupid this week. Too bad no one told them that three years ago he did jack shit when Zack Morris was doing stupid shit as principal.

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Next, Lindsay arranges with the home ec class to cook food for their guests. They’ve created an international menu including French toast, Swiss cheese, and fudge, for the fat people…

God I hate this show…I shouldn’t even have to comment on this idiocy, and I still have four and a half more seasons to go…

Screech comes in and Ryan convinces him that the parents of future foreign exchange students are coming to visit Bayside. I guess he thinks Brian’s presence last season brought the school’s international profile up.

Rachel comes down upset because everyone missed practice for the recital to help with the bed and breakfast, or us upset as she would be if Sarah Lancaster could accurately portray those emotions. Tommy D tells her to chill and she tells him he better make sure everyone shows up tomorrow. vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h20m17s92

It’s not clear how long after the last scene this is but, however long, it’s time to serve food to the guests, including  black guy they randomly put in traditional African garb. I really hate this show…

Lindsay runs in and tells the gang Mr. Beldings coming so they roll everything and everyone into the music room to prevent him from finding out about the bed and breakfast. In the music room, Franklin’s the only one who showed up for practice so Rachel’s pissed off, again. So I guess it’s the next day. Mr. Belding gets caught in the hallway after the bell rings so Tommy D gives him another detention.

Rachel comes out and tells Tommy D it’s all his fault that no one is showing up for her rehearsals and the recital is tomorrow. Tommy D helpfully offers just to cancel her stupid music thingy but Rachel’s all, “I took this job so I could have undue influence on a school activity that many members of the public will no doubt attend.” She tells Tommy D off and walks away.
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After a commercial break, Screech manages to insult this stereotypical Italian. Good thing he doesn’t mention he once ruined Italian food as well. Tommy D, meanwhile, tells Screech the truth and Screech acts surprised that students aren’t taking student teacher week seriously, again. Tommy D says they’d be better off if he quit but Screech tells him the point is to learn responsibility like he never has so Tommy D decides to figure out what to do.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h26m53s2

In the hallway, Ryan tells Mr. Belding he’s been elected him parking lot monitor to get him out of the school. Of course, he doesn’t think anything’s up with this so it must be a daily thing at Bayside for the students to elect a parking lot monitor.

Tommy D comes in and tells them he’s shutting down the bed and breakfast and that he’s sent the tourists to the Y. Gee, that was kind of him. The gang get upset and he tells them he’s expecting them to go to Rachel’s recital but they don’t want to because the opening ceremonies for the America Games are at the same time. Wait, that means you’re all deliberate assholes! If you’ve had a schedule conflict all along, why would you even try to make money to go to the America Games! The only explanation is they were planning on blowing off the recital all along, which means this unclear plot thread makes them grade A jack asses!

At the recital, it doesn’t look like the gang is going to show up so Rachel gets pissed off.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h28m44s94

They come in at the last minute saying that the principal has principles so that the episode can have a title.vlcsnap-2015-03-23-22h30m12s197

The recital consists of a thirty second piece of muzak that a few extras in the audience are thrilled by and the episode ends with Rachel pleased by the lowered expectations The New Class likes to set for what constitutes a good musical recital, or a good end of an episode for that matter.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 14: “Fear of Falling”

vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h07m24s16 We open with the return of KKTY, Douglas, Utah’s hottest country, who, for some reason, hired R.J. as a DJ and has taken to covering gymnastics meets for Bayside since LA gymnastics are so popular in rural Utah. Apparently they’re not so popular in LA, though, since no one is at the meet except for a sleeping nerd, not even any parents, because gymnastics sucks in this world and we need an excuse for conflict. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h08m21s75

I think part of the problem is that the gymnastics team raided the wardrobe department of Star Trek looking for uniforms. Seriously, these are the worst uniforms ever. The uniforms are enough to distract Westwood enough that Bayside beats them. This means they have one more game to play and, if they win, they go to the state championships in San Francisco.
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All is not well in Saved by the Bell, land, though, for Mr. Belding and Screech come in with the bad news that the writers decided to reuse a plot from last season by making the school not have enough money to go to a state championship. This time, since Bayside apparently cares rats ass about having an attractive and diverse sports program, the girls can’t go because gymnastics doesn’t make enough money for them to. Just as he did last season, the reviewer wishes to call bullshit on this plot since schools have budgets and fundraisers for such occasions, but we need some conflict so, you know, how horrible!

Oh, also the team’s coach quits for absolutely no reason because they needed a reason to include fucking Screech in this. Seriously, Mr. Belding delivers the news they can’t go to San Francisco and he just quits, not out of anger, but because he finds this plot so stupid he decided he’d rather work at an Orange Julius than continue to act on this show.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h10m00s50

At The Max, the girls look at the world’s worst prop menus as they discuss how bummed they are that not only can they not go to San Francisco but they also have no coach. Ryan tells them they just need to find an idiot who can step in as a token figurehead so they pick an idiot sure to interfere and cause shenanigans.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h10m59s120

And that person comes in and trips on thin air. See, I told you they needed an excuse to overly involve Screech.

Also, Tommy D thinks gymnastics sucks ass because he needs a subplot no one will care about.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h11m42s36

At Bayside, Mr. Belding doesn’t want to make Screech coach since Screech knows shit about gymnastics, though this didn’t stop Screech from being the faculty adviser for the ballet club last week, but the writers needed to fill a couple minutes. Ryan gets a guy who looks nothing like Screech to dress up in the same clothes as Screech and do some handstands. Since Mr. Belding suffers from the same inability to distinguish faces unless it’s convenient to the plot that all the rest of the characters suffers from, he believes the rouse without question and gives Screech the job. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h13m01s64

Ryan finds out that, if the next meet sold out, the girls would have enough money to go to San Francisco so he plots to get Ron and some random nerd extras to think gymnastics is super cool and want to bring all their friends.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h14m00s125

They witness Screech acting like an ass and falling on his face and decide this episode sucks and leave. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h14m25s120

Tommy D and some random football players come in to make fun of gymnastics and talk about how much it sucks, though this episode thus far would be enough to keep me away from the sport for life. Rachel bets Tommy D that he can’t do the same moves she can and, if he can’t, he has to be water boy for the team. Of course, Tommy D sucks ass because he can’t do basic flips and he loses without any trouble. vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h15m47s188

Meanwhile, Lindsay falls off the balance beam in the most forced looking injury since Mr. Belding’s injury at the ski lodge last season. It’s enough to sprain Lindsay’s foot but, at The Max, we find out that it’s minor enough she’ll conveniently be able to compete in the meet this Friday.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h16m42s225

Also, Tommy D sucks ass as a water boy and somehow gets athletic socks that gymnasts don’t wear on his back and ass.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h17m33s229

At the radio station, Ryan and R.J. get the bright idea that they can increase ticket sales to the gymnastics meet by implying that Michael Jordan will be at the meet.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m06s35

There just happens to be a radio conveniently placed where all the extras can listen so they all spread the word and want to buy tickets.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m24s224

Word spreads back through time where the operator from Lassie lets the world know that Michael Jordan is coming to Bayside.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m30s35

And a bunch of people even jump out of an airplane, not because of Michael Jordan but because they’re hoping they’ll tragically die so they don’t have to be in this episode any longer.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m43s157

Even Boris Yeltsin is excited that Michael Jordan is coming to a school he’s never heard of before.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h18m48s212

And Bill Clinton is excited that he gets to succeed George Bush in being in a lame gag for Saved by the Bell, even if it is a stupid spin-off. Hey, it breaks up the monotony of his pending impeachment. Also, Bill Clinton apparently speaks through telepathy and not through the movement of lips like most human beings.

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Gasp! The Simpsons was right! He and Bob Dole were aliens!

At gymnastics practice, the doctor has conveniently already cleared Lindsay for practice. Suddenly, though, she can’t practice, claiming her ankle is too sore. Also, Rachel can’t get her routine right and, somehow, Tommy D now knows how to help her find her center in gymnastics despite the fact he couldn’t do a basic flip just a few minutes earlier. He helps her get her routine right.
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Mr. Belding comes in wanting to know why Boris Yeltsin and Bill Clinton want to come to a gymnastics meet at Bayside and quickly deduces that Ryan had something to do with it. Mr. Belding makes Ryan refund all the tickets and tells him he has to find a way to make kids think that gymnastics is cool on its own, which means he has to find a way to end this episode before it turns teenagers everywhere against the sport.

In the hallway, Lindsay tells Ryan she’s not going to compete at the meet. Lindsay tells Ryan she’s suddenly developed a fear of falling because plot. Yes, that’s right. One single minor injury has caused Lindsay to fear gymnastics. If Lindsay is as good as they’re making her out to be, something tells me this isn’t her first injury. I find it idiotic to believe that this would make Lindsay want to quit gymnastics, but The New Class expects all its viewers to be idiots and not pick up on how unrealistic this all is.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h22m36s164

Tommy D, having become a newly converted fan of gymnastics since he gets to touch the girls’ undergarments, leads a protest of the captains of all the cool sports teams saying none of them will compete unless people start supporting gymnastics. Since that would mean no more sports episodes for this show, all the extras repurchase their tickets to the gymnastics meet.

Ryan tells Screech about Lindsay’s reluctance to compete and he decides it’s time for a really stupid resolution to the episode. Also, Screech cried at the final episode of Blossom. The stupid things you find out about this show.

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Lindsay comes to Mr. Belding’s office to tell Screech she’s not competing anymore. Screech does a really bad impersonation of someone scared of chicken. He tells Lindsay he’s been scared of chicken since he nearly choked on a bone. She tells him that’s fucking stupid and suddenly realizes how stupid this whole episode has been as she watches Screech eat chicken. Yes, she sits there and watches him eat chicken.

At the meet, R.J. announces the gym is full. Maria scores a 9.5 for her routine on the balance beam.

Occasionally, there is something on this show so stupid I need to show you the video to prove it happened. This is one of those times.

Ladies and gentlemen, Screech clucking like a chicken to Ryan, because his character wasn’t creepy or annoying enough yet.

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Rachel scores a 9.75 for the routine Tommy D helped her with. She gives Tommy D a celebratory pity kiss to thank him for his help, and this naturally makes the audience lose their shit because they just wish they could have a pity kiss as well.vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h27m58s10

It doesn’t look like Lindsay’s going to show up but then she does because no Saved by the Bell episode can end with a less than positive ending. Except “The Last Dance” and that episode sucked ass.
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Lindsay flips around for a few minutes and, though she looks no better than Rachel and Maria, she gets a perfect ten, meaning the gymnastics team advances to the state championship. And Mr. Belding announces the meet made enough money that Bayside’s arbitrary criteria for sending sports teams to San Francisco has been met.

But you know what’s been missing from both this meet and the one at the beginning of the episode? Any sign of a competing team. Yes, there’s no attempt to even make it look like Bayside is competing against anyone else! Considering how I’m sure this episode will never be referenced again, I’m assuming this is a wet dream of Screech’s because he wants to imagine the girls in skimpy clothing.
vlcsnap-2015-03-21-20h28m58s161And, if that’s the case, the ending of this episode is even more creepy as Screech looks on at Ryan and Lindsay making out because…somehow…Ryan saved the day, even though he totally didn’t…

The New Class Season 3, Episode 13: “Thomas D.”

Just a quick promo for a long-time friend of this blog. Mark Moore, who’s been suffering along with me on this blog since the beginning, is starting his own review blog. He’ll be tackling the classic Nickelodeon show Hey Dude. Mark’s chock full of information on classic television so I have no doubt it’ll be a great nostalgic journey. He’ll be reviewing an episode every Wednesday starting this week, so check him out at https://heydudereviewed.wordpress.com/.


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We open with Ryan and R.J. trying to sneak past Lindsay and Maria. Turns out our two male idiots camped out to get Boyz II Men tickets (boy, that doesn’t date this episode at all!) and, though they were at the font of the line, managed to sleep past not only the box office opening but also all the other people waiting in line getting tickets. They are not the brightest, are they?

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Tommy D sees Rachel and tells her all his woes about poetry. He’s having trouble writing a poem for class. Maybe he should just use that amazing poem he wrote for Lindsay last week. But here’s what he’s come up with this week:

I want a girl,
Who doesn’t make me hurl.
She’s got to be smart,
Before I give her my car keys.

That’s some deep shit right there let me tell you. Contrary to usual Saved by the Bell fashion, there’s an indication this may not be the best poem in the world. Rachel lends Tommy D her notebook of poems to get some inspiration since she’s the new Megan and that means she’s smart and shit.

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And, since it’s been one whole episode since Lindsay started dating Ryan, Tommy D is over her enough to start crushing on Nicole, or Snooty McSnooty Pants here, who is head of the ballet club (is there really a ballet club? Seriously?) and only likes guys with sophisticated tastes, which will exclude every character on this show.

Screech comes in and tells Mr. Belding that he’s eating with all the clubs all day because clubs are apparently allowed to randomly get out during school hours and meet. Screech tells Mr. Belding he has a phone call and Mr. Belding says it’s from his life insurance agent. Screech promptly staples his tie to the bulletin board before realizing bait was just given for a stupid subplot.

Yes, naturally Screech assumes someone would only get a life insurance policy if they’re dying because dying people wouldn’t be a huge risk to life insurance companies. No, life insurance companies love to just hand out policies to the terminally ill. Makes complete sense! Screech proceeds to misinterpret some heartburn as a heart attack because that’s a predictable disease that someone who thinks they’re dying would take out a life insurance policy for, and tries to give Mr. Belding CPR.

You know what, none of this makes any fucking sense so I’m just going to assume Screech wants to make out with Mr. Belding.
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After Mr. Belding leaves the room, Screech reads the life insurance policy and continues to assume that, because the life insurance pays out on Mr. Belding’s death, that means he’s dying. Is Screech a fucking six year old dumb ass? Wait, why do I have to ask that? A six year old is much smarter than Screech.
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Oh, and welcome back Miss Fenwick as the English teacher! You may remember her from last season’s premiere, “The Return of Screech.” Wait, though, something’s not right here. What did R.J. just call her? Ms. Kay? Yes, this would be the same actress who played Miss Fenwick playing a different teacher, Ms. Kay, because this show doesn’t give a damn about establishing any consistency. In fact, this actress will be popping up quite a bit over the next few years. She plays no fewer than eight different roles on the series.

So it’s time to read poetry and R.J.’s up first.

I know a teacher named Ms. Kay,
Whose beauty no artist can portray.
And though she is pretty.
She’ll see that I am witty,
And probably give me an A.

Because Ms. Kay probably has the most realistic grading system in the history of Bayside, she recognizes how much R.J.’s poem sucks ass and gives him a C.

Tommy D is up next but he tells Ryan he’s worried because he’s got nothing. Uh, you just read a poem to Rachel. It may be horrible but it’ll keep you from failing. This show can’t keep track of what it established just established a few minutes ago. Ryan, being the wonderful friend he is, convinces Tommy D it’s okay to plagiarize one of Rachel’s poems. So he rattles this one off and gets an A:

I’m still waiting patiently for my love to arrive,
My quiet heart shall survive.
Till he she appears silently,
Then I will sing boundlessly,
And my spirit will revive.

I don’t think the writers of The New Class understand what makes a good poem, do they? I hate to tell them, but simply vomiting your emotions out on paper does not make a good poem. Oh, and Rachel already found her true love and she had him deported back to Switzerland.

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Naturally, no one, including Nicole, realizes that Tommy D isn’t even capable of this level of poetry, which means Nicole now believes Tommy D to be deep and shit based on one poem. Tommy D realizes a girl may never find him attractive again so he better jump on it and asks Nicole to a movie. She’s all, “Movies are for peons! My dad manages the L.A. Amphitheater! Let’s go see an opera!”

Tommy D is hesitant to go see an opera but Ryan sees an opportunity since Boyz II Men are playing at the same place an opera is taking place so the plan is to make Tommy D look cultured. Yeah…vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h40m33s241

Ladies and gentlemen, this is where Boyz II Men will be playing soon! So Ryan’s plan is to put on a really bad fake beard that no one recognizes since no one has the capability in this universe to recognize faces unless every feature is exactly the same. Ryan whispers random things in Tommy D’s ear about opera and Nicole gets super impressed even though what he says sounds like it came directly from a book. Also, I’m not sure I believe Tommy D owns a tuxedo.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h41m43s166

Also Screech and Mr. Belding are there because they’re not in enough scenes this episode. We learn the opera is Verdi’s La traviata. Wait, so the writers took the time to look up a real Italian opera and find out facts about it but they can’t bothered to learn basic facts about poetry? Fuck off…

Oh, and the part about La traviata emphasized, of course, is that a character is hiding a terminal disease from loved ones, once again cementing Screech’s lunacy about Mr. Belding dying.

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The next day at Bayside, Tommy D is stoked that Nicole likes him but feels bad about deceiving her.

Meanwhile, at recital practice, it turns out Lindsay and Rachel have suddenly taken up ballet.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h47m04s54

As have Milton and Ron for some reason, if this is to be considered ballet. It looks more like they’re practicing for a parody of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Mr. Belding comes in. Turns out he’s the faculty adviser and he’s here to give them pointers about ballet because, in the eight years he’s been associated with this franchise, it’s been really well established that he knows lots of stuff about ballet! Screech enters and freaks out because doing basic ballet moves might kill Mr. Belding or some stupid bull like that, so he convinces Mr. Belding to let him take on the faculty advising role, which you just know will end beautifully.

Nicole tells Lindsay and Rachel about how wonderful and intelligent and cultured Tommy D is and they both break down in hysterics. She finds out that he plagiarized the poem from Rachel and that he’s a big phony, so she goes to confront Tommy D.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h51m13s3

Tommy D decides on his own he needs to tell Nicole the truth but she beats him to it. She tells him that he lied to her and used her and she never wants to see him again. Uh, no, he lied to you. Unless something happened off screen you’re not telling us about, he didn’t use you. I guess we’re meant to believe she psychically knows Ryan, R.J., and Maria want the Boyz II Men tickets, but it makes no sense when she would have found that out since we never even see them tell Tommy D they want the tickets.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h51m48s60

After a commercial break, we rejoin Screech who’s now dressed as a retarded Mario brother. Since we’re running short on time for the episode, Screech gets right to the pissing people off with his incompetence stuff and gets Milton and Ron to lead a walk out of half the players when he tries to force them to do push ups, because push ups are so common in dance.

Nicole’s upset that Screech ruins everything he touches and says they can’t do the ballet without our nerdy members. That means she won’t be able to impress her father, who was planning on attending the recital. vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h52m51s231

In the hallway, Tommy D bemoans the fact he lied to get Nicole while Ryan, R.J., and Maria say they helped him only to get Boyz II Men tickets. See, there’s no way Nicole could know about the stupid tickets! Tommy D’s pissed off that they used him for some reason despite the fact he’s the one who started the whole lie with the poetry and will not face any adverse consequences for it.  Tommy D says that, because of them he has nothing. No, because of your stupidity you have nothing, Tommy D.

Nicole, Lindsay, and Rachel come in and tell the others about not being able to put on the recital. Tommy D volunteers to dance because he knows how much the recital means to Nicole and he volunteers Ryan, R.J., and Maria to help him since we’re supposed to believe they were shitty to Tommy D. Also, ballet is super easy to learn so I’m sure they’ll be able to learn in no time.

Now, gentle readers, I want to pose a challenge to you. Where in the Saved by the Bell universe do you suppose a ballet recital would be held? In the auditorium? No, that would be too obvious. In the gym? Another good answer but no. In the mall? No, but that would actually be a better place than where it’s actually held.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h54m22s109

Ballet recitals in the Saved by the Bell universe are held at The Max, of course! Why wouldn’t you dance at a place owned by a guy who keeps poultry in his pants to impress teenagers? God, I hate this show.

Screech gets all emotional in introducing the recital and dedicates it to the dying Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s a fucking idiot for not knowing what life insurance is when he’s supposed to be in his twenties at this point and no doubt has life insurance in his benefits package from Bayside. And thus ends our thrilling subplot about Screech thinking Mr. Belding is dying. It was fucking stupid.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h55m56s0

So our recital begins and it’s narrated by Screech because lots of dance recitals need narration. Lindsay, Rachel, and Maria are plants or some shit and Nicole is the sugar plum princess I guess.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h56m17s215

Tommy D is rain watering them.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h56m34s136

Ryan is the sun.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h56m54s78

R.J. is the wind.vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h57m26s120

And everyone comes together in some cluster fuck as the audience loses their shit about the boys dancing around in tights because this is the most easily impressed audience in the history of television. It fucking sucks and it’s only like two minutes, which has to be the shortest dance number in history, but they get an ovation because no one understands anything beyond kissing and the opposite gender in this universe.

Nicole’s father loves the performance and says he heard the gang has a hard on for Boyz II Men but, since they are obviously about as cultured as Saved by the Bell can get, he randomly figured they would enjoy some dancing monks better because we have to have some fake irony at the end.
vlcsnap-2015-03-09-16h58m38s96Nicole tells Tommy D she’s falling for the real him and he says he loves her, too, at least until the end of this episode when she’ll never be seen or mentioned again. And our episode ends with the audience losing their shit over Tommy D and Nicole kissing, because none of them will ever feel the touch of a human being as long as they’re locked in their cages and forced to have emotional reactions to this drivel.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 12: “Prom Dates”

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Yes, it’s prom time at Bayside, and get ready for the worst prom episode in the history of this franchise. We open with Tommy D and Ryan both trying to wow Lindsay and get her to go to the prom with them so they can have her for the after party. Tommy D even recites the worst poem known to man:

Roses are red,
Violets are not,
Blah, blah blah,
I think you’re hot.

I would say this is the laziest excuse for writing in the history of everything, but what do you expect out of this show at this point? Lindsay’s not overly impressed with either of their efforts and tells them they’re going to have to back the fuck off and let her decide.

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R.J. asks a girl named Valerie to the prom and suddenly becomes uncharacteristically shy around women. Considering he’s been portrayed as cocky and arrogant to this point, this is completely unbelievable. 
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This guy, Don, asks Maria to the prom, but she says she has a date. After he’s out of ear shot, Rachel calls Maria out for lying, but Maria’s all, “Don can’t get it hard! My guy has to be perfect!”

Our third subplot of the episode revolves around Rachel being insecure because no one has asked her to the prom, probably out of fear that they’ll disappear like her last boyfriend.

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And, as if that’s not enough subplots, our fifth subplot involves Screech being faculty adviser of the prom committee. Yes, we have five fucking subplots. The writers of this show have lost their damned minds if they think they’re going to be able to do justice towards any of these threads. Oh, also Screech has a bunch of yearbooks so he can study past proms. Haha, so funny.
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At the yearbook meeting, which just happens to feature all our players from this episode, R.J. and Valerie demonstrate how they can hug in front of a Hawaiian backdrop that Screech thinks is Californian. Mr. Belding comes in to break up this steamy scene because apparently The New Class can’t handle hugging.

Mr. Belding tells the committee that he’s been getting complaints from parents that they have to spend too much on prom so this year he’s forcing the students to have a budget conscious prom. Since he’s completely lost touch with reality, he’s setting a rule that no couple can spend over $60 for the prom. In what universe does Mr. Belding live in? Seriously, this is the dumbest conflict I’ve seen in the history of this franchise. Well, other than the death of a magical duck. Or Kelly’s baby brother coming to school. Or Jessie being hooked on caffeine pills. Or a government agent thinking Screech was an alien.

Okay, you get my point. This is the dumbest conflict in the history of this franchise except for all the conflicts that were dumber than this one.

Ryan sees a chance to impress Lindsay so he agrees to help think of ways to defer costs for the prom. Oh, and some guy cock teases Rachel.

At The Max, Tommy D and Lindsay have lunch together and they talk about how many times Tommy D has nearly killed Lindsay. Geez, why is she even considering going to the prom with him. This could be lethal to her health.

Back at Bayside, R.J. decides he needs a warm up round to get to know Valerie’s naughty bits so he asks her to the movies. She agrees because plot.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h10m14s209

After she’s out of sight, a man clearly too old to legally be at Bayside comes up and warmly greets R.J. Turns out this is Carl, Valerie’s brother, and he’s fucking pissed off that his sister is in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off. Carl tells R.J. he better get his sister off this show immediately by not doing any hanky panky shit with her or he’s going to murder R.J.

Tommy D and Lindsay’s lunch has rekindled the yearning in Lindsay for the nice, predictable Tommy D/Lindsay subplots from the first two seasons so Lindsay agrees to go to the prom with Tommy D.
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Screech, meanwhile, does a really racist Japanese impression as he folds some tissue paper into a corsage and pretends like this is origami since the writers of this show couldn’t be bothered to look up what origami actually is. Screech tells Ryan this is one way to save money on the prom and Ryan thinks it’s stupid enough to be on this show so he takes one over to Lindsay. She tells him that she’s going with Tommy D to the prom so Ryan gets bummed out and throws away his corsage. We then get an uncomfortably long close-up of the most realistic character in this episode.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech talks about more sucky ass ideas to save money.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h12m18s171

His first is to turn the prom into a marathon and, while this is just stupid enough to be featured in an episode of this show, Mr. Belding thinks it’s a dumb idea. Notice Ryan’s face in the background as he considers whether this is the most idiotic idea in the history of idiotic ideas.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h12m40s99

But that doesn’t stop Screech from ripping his clothes off. Why…me…

Ryan comes up with an idea to turn the buses into party mobiles to cut costs on transportation. Even though this is a stupid idea and surely not within the authority of a school principal to implement, Mr. Belding loves the idea because this is The New Class and nothing is realistic on this show. Instead of caterers, Ryan suggests the home ec class cooks for the prom and Mr. Belding goes for that, too, leaving Screech stupdified that someone is smarter than him, which was plain to the rest of us eight years ago when we first met him.

Lindsay’s grateful that Ryan has stupid ideas that Mr. Belding likes. Tommy D makes her lose her elation by asking her to the movies tonight so that it’s more convenient to shoot their subplot alongside R.J.’s.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h14m25s153

At the movies, Carl’s still pissed off that his sister is still in a shitty Saved by the Bell spin-off and continues threatening R.J.’s life if he doesn’t maintain enough distance that she won’t be seen on this show again. R.J. naturally complies.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h15m33s54

Meanwhile, Lindsay can’t stop talking about Ryan so Tommy D’s all, “Well, why don’t you just go suck Ryan’s cock then?”vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h16m18s12

The next day, Rachel’s still bummed no one has asked her to the prom so Screech tries to cheer her up by telling her if he wasn’t in a position of authority and trust over her, he would take her. Then, this subplot starts taking a creepy turn.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h16m43s243

First, Screech decides to try and help Rachel by dressing her up like Violet because apparently she’s just so hot she’s intimidating.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h17m28s188

He then tries to set her up with a nerd whose running gag seems to be he has trouble remaining standing. This fails and Rachel is even more upset that her subplot is going absolutely nowhere.

Maria comes in and suddenly remembers she has a subplot in this episode but she hasn’t got a date yet. A guy named Peter who she apparently turned down off camera earlier walks by and she tries to ask him out by telling him that her prom date got hit by a bus. Trust me, this will be eerily ironic by the end of this review. He’s all, “Fuck off, stuck up bitch,” and walks away. It’s then that Maria realizes her subplot may be worse than Rachel’s.

At The Max, the girls come in and sit one booth over from Tommy D. They apparently all need eye exams because Lindsay starts talking about how Tommy D sucks ass and she wants to go to the prom with Ryan because she’s into his lazy eye.
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Tommy D overhears and is none too pleased that he’s turned invisible.

At Bayside, Ryan asks Maria to the prom so we can finally bring some resolution to one subplot. Surprise, surprise, Screech still hasn’t been able to find a date for Rachel so she decides she’ll just stay home that night.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h20m57s229

And this is the look Screech gives as she walks off. The creepiness factor just keeps rising…vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h21m27s24

That night, Screech shows up at Rachel’s house and asks her to the prom. Yes, a faculty member asks a student to the prom after all that bull shit about not being a student anymore. So, neither Mr. Belding nor Rachel’s parents think it’s weird that someone working for the school is taking a student to the prom. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor right there. So, between dressing Rachel up like Violet and giving her that creepy look in the last scene, I think Screech hopes to get lucky tonight…vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h22m02s119

And time for the prom, where we see Ryan’s final cost saving innovation, having the boys give the girls their tuxedo jackets and dancing in their t-shirts. Worst…prom…ever. Seriously, if this were my prom, I’d be fucking pissed off.vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h22m32s150

R.J. gets one more visit from Carl, who’s still pissed his sister is on this shitty show. R.J. reminds him that the only recurring characters this show offers are some of the nerds and jocks so his sister has nothing to worry about as he’s sure she’ll never be seen again. This satisfies Carl, who walks out smug and gets hit by a bus.

No, seriously, the actor playing Carl, Lexie Bigham, died after being hit by a bus a year after filming this episode while he was filming a shitty Jon Lovitz movie. Poor guy. I don’t know which is worse, dying or knowing that two of your last acting gigs were a shitty TNBC show and a Jon Lovitz film.

So…wait…Carl and Maria are both wearing the stupid outfit of the prom despite the fact neither one has a date. Does that mean Carl was Maria’s prom date? (See, I told you there’d be some irony in her lame excuse that her fake date got hit by a bus.)

Tommy D’s still pissed that Lindsay needs an eye exam and doesn’t want to do much of anything at the prom but mope. He sees Ryan come in tells Lindsay she might as well finish off the prom with Ryan so they can wrap up the final subplot. Ryan accepts and Maria goes off to be a switch hitter with Tommy D.

vlcsnap-2015-03-07-18h26m20s140And our episode ends with the most predictable conclusion in this franchise’s history considering we’ve already seen a few out of order episodes where Ryan and Lindsay were together. See, I told you, worst prom episode ever.

Firsts: Ryan and Lindsay date.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 11: “Ryan’s Worst Nightmare”

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We open in the gym, where the gang have been tasked with constructing a float for, get this, the Bayside-Westwood Sports Weekend. I’m…speechless. Westwood isn’t their rival and I fail to understand why there’s an entire weekend devoted to their sports. This show just keeps getting dumber and dumber.
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And even dumber is allowing Tommy D to paint Lindsay’s face on the cheerleader. So…Tommy D thinks Lindsay looks like Sailor Moon with crooked teeth and too much mascara? vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h26m31s48

Screech comes in and announces he’s the faculty adviser for this project since it’s cheaper than paying a guest star. He’s constructed a Mr. Belding to put on the float since he’s developing an unhealthy obsession around his former principal. The gang tell Screech they don’t want his stupid fucking float so he takes it to try to pawn it off on some other poor soul.

Lindsay mentions that Tommy D is taking her to the movies tonight, instantly sending Ryan into jealousy mode where he tries to play on Tommy D’s idiocy to get him to cancel the date. Tommy D’s all, “I’m not an idiot when it’s inconvenient to the plot, so no.” Also, after dating for several episodes in a row due to the incompetence of whoever is in charge of airing these episodes, it seems like we’re back to Ryan and Tommy D feuding over Lindsay.

The bell rings, sending R.J. into a frenzy since he has to get to physics class. Turns out the gang sans Lindsay all have Miss Hearst for physics and she has a reputation.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h27m37s178

Oh, good. Just what we needed: another psychopathic member of Bayside’s faculty. She asks random stupid questions and purposely tries to intimidate her students to keep them from feeling competent. This is like the fourth teacher on this franchise who’s taken joy in the failure of students. What is wrong with this school?vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h28m35s13

Mr. Belding and Screech come in to announce that tomorrow is Miss Hearst’s last day at Bayside. She’s moving to New Jersey to marry another psychopathic person and produce children who will one day co-star in Kirk Cameron films. Mr. Belding offers her a gift of a paper weight that says, “Bayside,” but she thinks it sucks ass and throws it away as soon as they’re outside the room.

Miss Hearst tells them she has a present of her own for her students: one last psychopathic test that she’s going to purposely make so hard they’ll fail. The bell rings and the gang tell Lindsay they can’t work on the float since they have to study for the test. Tommy D breaks off his date with Lindsay as well, and Ryan swoops in to catch him some of that Lindsay poon.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h30m54s127

Following their date, Ryan and Lindsay go to The Max, where Ryan keeps insisting that he doesn’t need to go home and study since he’s sure that, being the Saved by the Bell universe, it’ll all work out in the end.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h31m30s220

Also, when did Ron become a waiter? We’ve never seen him work at The Max. Guess they needed something for him to do.

Now get ready for the most disturbing attempt at special effects in television history.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h31m57s238

Ryan starts hallucinating Miss Hearst everywhere, starting with a bad overlay on Lindsay’s body that makes her look like Rosie O’Donnell. God, that’s disturbing.
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He next imagines her on Ron’s body. I never pictured Ron as a Rosie O’Donnell look alike before. Ryan decides this psychotic episode means nothing and he’ll just cram later for the test.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h32m58s73

At Ryan’s house, the theme of psychotic break continues as Ryan tries to study for the test but, instead, hallucinates Lindsay in his bedroom. Were this a realistic show, this would be about the time Ryan would start masturbating. Instead, Ryan’s psychotic episode ends with Ryan insisting he has to study.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h33m47s68

Rather than studying, though, he calls Lindsay and talks to her until 1:00 am. Lindsay hangs up to get some sleep and Ryan tries to study, but quickly falls asleep.

The next day, the gang work on the float when Ryan runs in apologizing for being late. His hallucination of Lindsay came back and he couldn’t resist beating his meat anymore.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h34m59s9

Mr. Belding and Screech come in and Mr. Belding praises the float. He then exposits that he has to go off campus for a meeting. So guess who he’s putting in charge of the school…vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h36m02s134

Yeah, this guy…

Why does no one ever learn from past mistakes on this show? The float would be more competent to be in charge…

Ryan tells R.J. he didn’t study for the test and has to find a way to get out of it. The solution he comes up with is to convince the only character on this show who rivals Tommy D for lack of intelligence that it’s National Fire Drill Day and every school in the country is having a fire drill during second period. Screech, naturally having no common sense, fully buys the story and rushes to get ready for a fire drill.

 

In Miss Hearst’s class, our latest psychotic teacher brags about how hard her test is and how many teenagers she can fail. Ryan looks unphased and Miss Hearst tries to get to the bottom of his calmness in front of seeming insanity when the fire drill goes off. Miss Hearst practically does the “I’m melting!” routine from The Wizard of Oz as she realizes she won’t be able to give failing grades to her students one more time.

In the hallway, Mr. Belding comes in and is about to cancel the fire drill when Ryan tells him that he smelled smoke coming from the gym. Mr. Belding goes into his office and turns on the conveniently new water sprinkler system which apparently isn’t set off by smoke but by someone activating it. That’s a pretty damn useless system.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h39m34s201

The water naturally ruins the gang’s float. Ryan leaves in guilt which the gang initially interpret as him being bummed about a float he barely worked on.

Mr. Belding and Screech come in, with Mr. Belding lecturing Screech on his complete incompetence. Screech lets out that Ryan told him about National Fire Drill Day.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h40m44s131

Maria quickly ascertains that Ryan had something to do with the fire drill and, using the skillful negotiation tactics she’s becoming known for, convinces R.J. to tell them that Ryan faked the fire drill to get out of the test. Mr. Belding decides the only answer for this is to recruit Screech and the gang for a revenge plot that involves more non-hilarious costumes.

The next day, Screech comes in to introduce the gang to their new teacher, Miss Rumplemeier. vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h41m49s22

Good lord, never have I seen something so hideous as Dennis Haskins in drag. That’s like wrong on so many levels. Of course, Screech is practically jizzing himself over this sight, which reinforces what I said earlier about him developing an unhealthy attachment to Mr. Belding. vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h44m12s174

So this genius revenge plot is for Miss Rumplemeier to ask impossible questions the rest of the gang already know but then to ask Ryan a ridiculous question that he couldn’t possibly answer, like the first name of a captain on a theoretical plane. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds. Maria mentions torture and when Ryan parrots her remark, Miss Rumplemeier uses it as an excuse to send Ryan to the principal’s office during lunch.

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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech tries to pull off Mr. Belding’s eye lashes because nonsensical pain is automatically funny. vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h45m22s101

Ryan comes in and says Miss Rumplemeier is psychotic, which shouldn’t surprise him given Bayside’s track record with faculty members. Also, Mr. Belding’s blonde wig magically disappeared. Mr. Belding reveals that he is Miss Rumplemeier and that the gang were in on it. Ryan takes the news that he’s the center of one of the stupidest revenge schemes ever pretty well, and Mr. Belding tells him that he’ll serve detention and take a make-up test, despite the fact that none of the other students took the test either.

Ryan apologizes for his actions but comes up with an idea to save the float.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h47m07s116

His idea is to paint the float in Westwood colors and pretend it’s a symbol of Bayside murdering them in a football game that is apparently central to the Bayside-Westwood Sports Weekend. Nice to have that cleared up in the final minute of the episode. Also, Tommy D is a football player again, and his job is to stand completely still on the float, which shouldn’t be hard since all it will require is for him to turn off his little brain power.vlcsnap-2015-02-23-15h47m39s194And our episode ends with Lindsay forgiving Ryan and Ryan telling Lindsay he can’t take her out this weekend because he has to study for the make-up test. Isn’t it so wonderful that, in the Saved by the Bell universe it’s possible to be a complete jackass but for everything to go completely back to normal in the span of twenty minutes?

The New Class Season 3, Episode 10: “Hollywood, Here He Is”

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We open in the hallway, where Mr. Belding and Screech randomly tell the gang that Bayside’s formally getting its own television show on the “High School TV Network,” because there’s totally a cable news network that does nothing but air high school programs all over the country. Since the gang are the only cast members the show wants to pay most of the time, they, of course, get to run the school’s news magazine program, and, with Screech as faculty adviser, nothing could possibly go wrong! R.J.’s super excited because this means he may actually get an episode that revolves around him.

We cut directly to the show, where Screech is doing his best to act like he’s freaking out. That is, it would be freaking out if Dustin Diamond knew what freaking out looked like.

So Ryan’s the anchor for “Bayside Live” and it starts off almost immediately disastrous as Ryan and Rachel both want to talk first.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h23m36s133

Yeah, this week the writers remember that they were originally going for a Lisa rip-off with Rachel and have her doing a gossip segment about kids no one else in the country will care about.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h24m01s120

Tommy D does a “Household Hint of the Week” segment where he gives tips for around the house. He shows the audience how to change a fuse, shutting off the lights where he is but, for some reason not shutting off the lights and power to the gym where the newscast goes on. Oh, Tommy D, you’re such a moron!
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Next is R.J., who’s so full of himself that he interviews himself and then proceeds to dance on camera so the opening credits can have a good clip for him.
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Lindsay and Maria do an exercise segment where Lindsay’s jumping on a trampoline. The camera goes off Lindsay and focuses on Maria as Maria goes psycho and tells Lindsay to jump higher and higher until she supposedly bumps her head on the ceiling. The problem with this scenario is two-fold: one, do they really expect us to buy that Lindsay jumped high enough on a trampoline to hit her head on the ceiling? Two, you can see Lindsay’s shadow on the wall in the background. It’s very obvious that, once the camera goes off her, she just gets off the trampoline. Did no one see this in post-production? Would proper lighting have cost them too much money?

They end the broadcast and Mr. Belding comes in shocked that putting a bunch of teenagers on national television without any experience, training, or competent supervision turned into such a disaster. He tells them he’s giving them one more chance to produce quality television at least as compelling as TNBC or he’s pulling the plug on the show.
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At The Max, the gang are bummed that the day long dream they’ve had of running their own television show may be coming to an abrupt end. The gang head to school sans R.J. and conveniently leave him by himself.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h27m29s159

Enter Gavin Malone of the Malone Talent Agency who says he caught R.J.’s dancing on TV and wants to make him a big star because legit talent agents always track down dancing teenagers and follow them to retro themed restaurants once visited by Casey Kasem. Gavin says he wants to make R.J. a big star and we cut to commercial with R.J. practically peeing himself because he thinks he’s had his big break.

Back at Bayside, Ryan suggests they copy a successful show from television. Rachel suggests they do a show like “Tough Copy.” Um, you just referenced two real shows: The Flintstones and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Why couldn’t you just say the show you’re actually referencing: Hard Copy. Oh, that’s why: Lindsay says they make up half their news stories. Isn’t that cute: The New Class didn’t want to get sued! But this does give Ryan the idea that they can just make up all their news as well!

R.J. comes in and tells the rest of the gang he’s been signed by a talent agent and can’t work with all these plebeians anymore. He rushes off to “do lunch.”

So we cut to the new “Bayside Live.”vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h29m39s169

Rachel’s reporting from the chemistry lab where the school is supposedly on fire. Tommy D comes in and saves the day. There’s the problem with this story right there. Does anyone actually believe Tommy D would be smart enough to stop a fire?vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h30m45s72

Maria does an expose on the school lunch after spray painting a steak green. Obvious forgery is obvious.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h31m22s172

At The Max, Lindsay covers the “jock-nerd peace treaty.” Yeah, the minute they’re off the air, Milton gets a wedgie because he’s supposedly smart but still in school well into his twenties.

Mr. Belding loves the new show and doesn’t bother to fact check any of these ridiculous news stories and even believes Tommy D is a hero. Wow, the idiocy of it all…

 

At The Max, Gavin tells R.J. that the sky’s the limit for his talent but he’s taking a risk because R.J.’s the first teenage client he’s ever taken on. As a result, Gavin needs a check for $500 to cover his basic expenses. R.J. gives it up like a sheep because obvious scam isn’t obvious when you’re full of yourself and want to be a big star.

Gavin leaves as the rest of the gang come in, who become suspicious when they find out not only has Gavin not gotten any work for R.J. yet but he’s asked for money in advance. Maria is especially distrustful so R.J. suggests she come to his photo session with Gavin and see how on the up and up Gavin is.
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So let’s go to the photo session where Gavin is the photographer! Yeah, R.J.’s an idiot if he can’t see through this lunacy. 
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R.J.’s also a pirate, though! He’s a horrible impersonation of Jack Sparrow, though. Meanwhile, Gavin refuses to answer even the most basic questions to Maria and becomes very defensive when she tries to look at some files on his desk. Also, the show can’t seem to decide if his name is Gavin Malone or Gavin Maloy. It’s like Leslie Eberhard just doesn’t care and is biding his time until Fraiser.

After playing a really bad cowboy, Gavin and R.J. go to develop the film and R.J. gives Gavin another $100 for the photo developing fee because I’m sure that’s how much reputable developers charge.
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Maria sneaks back in and looks through the files. Her face either says she’s discovered something, or that rapscallious rabbit just got caught trying to steal the gang’s Trix again.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h36m09s240

Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding and Screech watch as the gang devote an entire program to a supposed earthquake. They hide under their desk at the report gets more and more ridiculous.
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Yeah, I’m sure Richter scales conveniently spell out “The Big One” for everyone to read. Yeah, stupidest news story ever. Tabloids get away with sensational news stories because they stretch their stories just enough so that no one can call them liars outright. In this case, millions of people in L.A. can call the gang dirty fucking assholes.

But, yeah, it actually takes a minute before Mr. Belding and Screech realize it’s a fake news story. The non-shaking wasn’t an immediate clue. Mr. Belding rushes in, takes them off the air, and tells them the show’s cancelled.

At The Max, the gang are bummed that fake news stories can get a news story cancelled. After all, Brian Williams lied on the news and just got a suspension! Maria comes in and tells R.J. she found photos in Gavin’s office that prove R.J. isn’t Gavin’s only teenage client. They deduce the fact he’s ripping everyone off and Tommy D says someone needs to teach that guy a lesson. Ryan suddenly sees a way to wrap both of this episode’s plots up with one stone.

The gang convince Screech to let them film the program one more time and Screech, quite literally, agrees as long as he can wear a ridiculous costume. Yeah, he actually says this. I’m not making it up. It’s like the show is becoming self-aware. R.J. calls Gavin and tells him another agent wants to sign him.

Gavin rushes over to Bayside and meets R.J.’s new agent…vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h40m21s195

Oh god. This is the laziest costume ever! Screech is dressed as a pimp on Miami Vice. They come in as Screech watches Tommy D balance plates on sticks. They pay Screech $1,000 to represent Tommy D.vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h41m04s115

As Tommy D leaves, R.J. introduces Gavin to his new agent, “Hal Wood,” which, I hear, is a great brand of chair. Gavin asks R.J. to wait outside and then tells Screech he knows Screech is a crook because he is as well. This is enough of an admission and the gang reveal Gavin’s on television. Gavin slinks off as Mr. Belding comes in, praising the show and saying it’s back on the air despite the fact they randomly put a show on the air after he cancelled it.
vlcsnap-2015-02-21-20h42m58s231And our episode ends with the gang super stoked about the new television show they’ll no doubt soon forgets exists.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 9: “Boundaries”

I’ve thought long and hard about how I’m going to deal with this episode. I know this is an extremely sensitive topic and let me make it clear at the outset: sexual assault is never okay. If you have sexually assaulted another human being, you are an immoral piece of shit because you take away dignity and right to self-determination from that person, and it takes years of therapy to heal, if the victim ever does heal. I have no sympathy for perpetrators of sexual violence.

With that said, it’s not like we can expect the writers of The New Class to handle a topic of such delicance and sensitivity well…vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h09m34s176

It’s the ’70s again in an episode of The New Class, which must mean we’re back at Cal U! Man, these episodes are some of the worst out of order I’ve ever seen!vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h09m48s44 We open with the gang goofing off rather than studying as Mr. Belding thinks they’re doing. Imagine that Mr. Belding thought a bunch of teenagers in San Francisco would study rather than enjoy their time away from school. He’s even more out of touch than we thought.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h10m35s9

Mr. Belding and Screech come in and tell the gang they’ve been invited to tea with the dean of admissions, which Mr. Belding considers “fun.” Mr. Belding hopes that, the better impression Cal U has of Bayside, the better chance their students have of being admitted. This is especially important since Screech was a part of the last batch of Bayside students to attend Cal U and has, no doubt, given the school the impression that all Bayside students are complete morons.

After Mr. Belding and Screech leave, the gang commiserate over how they want to get invited to the “big Kappa Zeta party” since going to frat parties worked out so well for them in the last Cal U episode. Ironically, Kappa Zeta, in real life, is a sorority, proving once again the writers of The New Class suck at basic research skills. Ryan tells them not to worry because he’s sure he’ll come up with an unrealistic plan to get them into the party.
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After the boys leave, Rachel tells Lindsay and Maria that her neighbor, Craig, goes to school at Cal U and, since he knows how into older men she is, that she should call him if she was ever in town. It’s a good thing she didn’t call him when she first got to Cal U or there might not be much time for this episode and the writers may have actually seemed like they had some common sense! It’s also a good thing that she’s stalky enough she remembers his number at Cal U by heart. Rachel finally calls Craig, and he tells her to meet him at the student union in a half hour.

At the student union, Ryan, Tommy D, and R.J. pretend to have already been invited to the party to a couple of frat guys in an effort…to actually get invited. Makes a lot of sense! Like most things he touches, Screech ruins their efforts when he comes in and says it’s so great the college students are showing hospitality to the high school students.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h13m51s185

Meanwhile, Screech is attacked from behind by a woman named Mabel who works at the student union and is inexplicably in love with him despite being way older than he is. Notice how she touches his firm man bosoms in an effort to stimulate him erotically. vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h14m09s106

Creepily enough, she also has a “Days Since Screech Left” chalkboard. For the record, I will not be keeping one of these once I’m done reviewing The New Class as it would only cement in my mind how much pure and unadulterated crap I’ve watch for this blog. For the record, if Mabel’s days are correct, Screech has only been gone around 535 days, which doesn’t seem near enough time for all the events in the second season to have taken place. Also, as with most of the things in this episode, it’s a good thing Mabel didn’t see Screech in the first Cal U episode or they wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk about it now!

Screech is repulsed by the advances of Mabel and, rather than realizing this must be how most people feel about him, he runs away to hide.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h14m58s96

The girls meet Craig, a walking, talking Ken doll, at the student union. He offers to take Rachel for a walk, but she says she needs to meet the dean so he agrees to pick her up at the dean’s office afterwards.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h15m53s125 Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang meet Dean Eagleton in her office…vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h17m04s80

And she turns out to be bat shit insane and obsessed with forcing her really bad poetry on others. Oh, what I would give for Brian’s bad poetry about Rachel right now. For some reason, Mr. Belding won’t allow Screech to use the restroom so we build up tension about whether we’re finally going to witness him pee his pants. We’re actually shown a clock that seems to imply she’s kept them there for four fucking hours.

They’re rescued by Craig, who picks up Rachel and allows Screech to escape to the restroom, but then leaves the rest of them to suffer through more of the insipid poetry.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h19m16s93

Later, Craig drops Rachel off at the dorm, and becomes enraged when he realizes he’s on the set of a show where French kissing is considered a home run. As a result, Rachel won’t kiss him and he runs out angry, telling her to grow up.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h20m09s127

The next day, Lindsay and Maria wonder if Rachel is overreacting the way they overreacted about Rachel and Ryan in the last episode. R.J. brings in flowers that Craig sent her to apologize and they decide it must be one huge misunderstanding because jackassery is automatically offset by flowers.

Ryan calls the girls into the common room, where he tells the gang his new idea: if they can’t go to the party, bring the party to them! He intends on getting everyone who would have gone to the frat party to come to a party in the dorm instead. This means posting a notice that Dean Eagleton is coming to the frat party to read her poetry. Of course, they buy it without any question and decide to come to Ryan’s party instead.

We also have some lameness from Screech trying to sneak around Mabel. After Screech runs out, Ryan tells Mabel the best way to win Screech’s heart is to allow herself to be manipulated by Ryan and cater their party.

Craig comes in and asks Rachel to go to the campus comedy club. Lindsay and Maria encourage her to go so she says yes.

After the show, Craig takes Rachel to an empty classroom so he can show her a telescope. And, now, here comes our featured presentation.
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Craig tries to forcibly kiss Rachel and won’t let go of her arm. She gets loose and runs away.

Okay, I’m so torn on what to say about this. Yes, forcibly kissing is sexual assault in the eyes of the law. Yes, it’s wrong if this actually happens. But I think I have two objections to Craig as a sexual deviant. First, considering how fast the characters on this show move to kissing, it’s completely out of character for Rachel to not want to kiss him. Second, I feel like The New Class is kind of wussing out on the sexual assault story line, as we’ll see.

Back at the dorm, it’s time to get ready for the party, and Ryan arranged for Dean Eagleton to invite Mr. Belding and Screech for another poetry reading. It’s never really explained how he does this but it’s a nice contrivance to advance the plot so yeah.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h26m09s146

Lindsay and Maria go to get Rachel and she shows them a bruise Craig caused when he grabbed her. Yeah, I don’t believe that came from simple grabbing. It looks like Craig punched her. I may be wrong, but I don’t believe the human body reacts that way to simple grabbing. Lindsay tells Rachel she needs to tell Mr. Belding but she’s all, “No, that would be inconvenient to the plot so let’s not!”

And cultural insensitivity in three, two, one…vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h26m47s17

Oh my fucking god. Did they not learn anything from “Running Zack?” There are times I wonder if this show has any concept what it’s doing. On top of that, she’s rhyming about “Indians” and popcorn in the same stanza. I think I just died a little bit inside that people can be this stupid.

Mr. Belding and Screech find out Dean Eagleton is retiring at the end of the semester so they’re all, “Fuck, there’s no further use in us pursuing this subplot!” and get the hell out of there.

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At the party, this guy has the hottest date of them all. You know, when there’s a female lead opening at the end of the season, maybe she should join the cast. She can’t be any worse than the leads who have graced this show already!

Mr. Belding and Screech arrive back to find the party. Ryan and Lindsay convince them that the college students insisted on throwing them a farewell party and, since Bayside students are so renowned for their honesty, they instantly believe them and let them continue with the party. So…was the whole Dean Eagleton subplot just completely unnecessary?vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h29m23s41

Also, in an episode about sexual assault, Mabel sexually assaults Screech without any comment. Yes, besides her constant touching of Screech, she has now handcuffed herself to him. Jesus, the hypocrisy of this episode.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h30m31s206

Craig shows up at the party and Maria and Lindsay tell him to fuck off. He pretends nothing happened but the music conveniently goes silent long enough for all the extras to gather around as Rachel tells loudly what happened. Craig tries to deny it but one of the extras just happened to have been forcibly kissed by Craig as well, which makes Mr. Belding intervene and take Craig outside to…recommend some counseling…

Yes, two counts of sexual assault and Craig gets nothing but a recommendation for counseling. So, the moral here, kids, is that, if you sexually assault women, there are no real consequences whatsoever!

FUCKING SHIT, The New Class!!!!

I have to admit that the sexual assault story line isn’t handled as poorly as Lindsay’s anorexia from last season, but it’s still handled pretty piss poor. Also, they apparently didn’t have the guts to actually make this episode about rape, which is something far too many teenage girls (and boys) have to deal with. I’m astounded, The New Class. Just a few weeks ago, you got a very special episode so right, and this week you get another so wrong. The inconsistency of this season astounds me.vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h31m39s124

The extras all immediately go back to partying since it’s not like anything important happened, and the gang tell Rachel they’re glad she’s okay and that it took a lot of guts to blurt out in a room full of strangers what Craig did. The girls hug and commiserate over their shared femininity..vlcsnap-2015-02-16-17h32m01s88And our episode ends with Screech doing the worst impression of a person passing out I’ve ever seen in my life as he realizes he’s going to be forcibly married to Mabel in the morning.

I…I don’t know guys. I know this isn’t the last very special episode of the season and legend has it this isn’t the worst one, either. If there’s a worse one, I don’t know how I can take it.

The New Class Season 3, Episode 8: “Acting Jealous”

vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h39m51s166 What the hell, The New Class! Did Ryan and Lindsay just suddenly start dating in between episodes? I mean, it’s bad enough that wouldn’t surprise me, but what the hell? Did they really think we wouldn’t be confused about these episodes being out of order?

Anyway, yeah, they’ve been dating…a month. A fucking month. They’re being all cootsie wootsie about the whole think and making me want to throw up a little bit because they can’t stand to be apart for a second. This is to give the audience the best chance to lose their shit over this mushy stuff as possible.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h40m53s8

So let’s cut to Rachel and Maria in order to put things in perspective! Maria thinks they’re being fucking stupid but Rachel thinks it’s romantic and wishes she had a boyfriend like that instead of a fake Swiss guy who up and abandoned her in between seasons.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h41m14s242

Meanwhile, Screech wrote a play and Mr. Belding doesn’t think it sucks as so the logical thing to do is to just randomly put it on as a production at Bayside. Mr. Belding thinks it’s witty and shit. Yeah, we’ll see about that.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h41m49s70

So it’s time to skip directly to try outs, where R.J. does a musical number. Unfortunately, he’s an idiot and the play isn’t a musical.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h42m32s253

Next Maria gets fucking pissed because two nerds start talking during her audition. She tells them they better shut the fuck up before she sticks her foot up their ass.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h43m00s14

Tommy D’s real proud of himself for being able to move a chair and radio. Turns out he just wants to be the prop guy. Why is it the longer this season goes on, the more of a throwaway character Tommy D’s becoming? He’s not just an idiot anymore. His presence serves absolutely no purpose.
vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h43m22s240 Rachel gives a performance that actually shows up Sarah Lancaster’s usual acting. It’s pretty bad when an actress playing a character playing an actress is more convincing than the actress herself.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h44m04s142

Ryan and Lindsay give their performance next, and Lindsay sucks ass, which should surprise no one who’s watched this show the last three seasons.

So the auditions are for Cinderella, which we only find out while the auditions are going on. I may be crazy, but I don’t think Screech wrote Cinderella. It’s just a hunch I have.

Mr. Belding and Screech announce the cast. Maria will be playing the Wicked Stepmother, which she’s super excited about since that means she gets to be a bitch with an excuse. R.J. sucks so he’ll be playing three random roles without any lines. Ryan, of course, will be playing the handsome young prince because the alternative would be either Tommy D or paying for a guest star. And Lindsay will be playing, you guessed it, Griselda, the wicked step-sister!

Wait, that was a rather assholish way to announce Lindsay’s role. You know Lindsay wants the role of Cinderella so she can kiss Ryan in front of lots of people, so you announce her role in the logical place where Cinderella should be announced just to give her hopes up? Mr. Belding, you’re an asshole.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h45m20s133

Needless to say, Lindsay isn’t thrilled, or at least as non-thrilled as Natalia Cigliuti can act, and is even less excited that Rachel will be playing Cinderella.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h46m02s43

It’s time to practice and R.J. decides to ad lib lines because he doesn’t want to be less popular than Tommy D. Also, the word “zoiks” is in the play, which must mean that Ryan is actually playing Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Lindsay gets jealous as hell when Ryan wants to meet Lindsay at the restaurant for their anniversary dinner so he can rehearse scenes with Rachel. This is followed by a scene at the restaurant where Lindsay’s waiting alone just to convince us that Lindsay should feel jealous or neglected or some shit over their one month anniversary.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h49m33s103

At The Max, Lindsay’s still jealous because Ryan was a half hour late to their date and Maria’s all, “You’re a fucking psycho bitch!” Ryan comes in and acts nice, which makes Lindsay assume that he’s being nice because he’s feeling guilty, and she leaves The Max so other people can have a turn at jumping to conclusions.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h50m25s109

Maria sees Ryan hand a necklace to Rachel, which must mean that they’re fucking like jackrabbits. She runs out and we hear Ryan tell Rachel that he’s bought the necklace for Lindsay as an opening night gift for not being a psycho bitch about Rachel and him. Boy, hope he kept the receipt!

Back at Bayside, Maria tells Lindsay about the necklace and they both start acting like stupid spoiled bitches. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h51m55s241

There’s some more rehearsing and Screech is an idiot so he mistakes projecting for screaming. Yes, our subplot is going to be creative differences between Screech and Mr. Belding over the direction of the play. How surprising!vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h52m46s231

R.J. sucks Screech’s cock so that he’ll give him some more lines. Ryan and Rachel decide to go in a classroom and practice for their kissing scene since Rachel’s suddenly inherited Jessie’s height complex. Wouldn’t you know it: at that moment, Lindsay and Maria walk around the corner and go in the classroom and…
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Yeah, this looks so romantic. It’s like Ryan’s pushed Rachel down to force a kiss on her. Lindsay’s fucking pissed off. Oh, if only she knew what happens next season as soon as she’s out of the picture!vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h54m37s69

Tensions at the play are high, with R.J. giving his new ridiculous lines courtesy of Screech. Screech thinks he could do a better job as a director than Mr. Belding so Mr. Belding is all, “I don’t want to be a part of this show anyway!”vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h55m47s8

Meanwhile, Lindsay’s passive aggression turns into full blown aggression as, yes, Lindsay puts a real mouse down Rachel’s shirt.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h56m14s20 And slams a pumpkin on Ryan’s head.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h56m30s164

Screech takes the gang in Mr. Belding’s office…what are Tommy D and R.J. doing there? They aren’t a part of the fighting. Isn’t there something about confidentiality somewhere! Lindsay, Rachel, Ryan, and Maria all quit because they have to see this stupid shit through. Mr. Belding is all, “You didn’t need my help so you take care of it!” and Screech promises an extra blowjob to Mr. Belding if he’ll fix this stupid shit for him. Mr. Belding tells them to suck it up and think of the “hundreds” of people who bought tickets and they all agree to put on the performance.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h58m25s37

At the play, there’s still plenty of idiotic aggression.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h59m25s142

Offstage, Rachel tells Lindsay about the kissing and the necklace and that, in ten seconds, is enough to solve this plot contrivance. Ryan’s not quite ready to forgive her, though, so Rachel devises a way to get them back together.

What follows is very painful to watch, one of the more painful scenes of this show I’ve had to endure. Rachel declares the shoe doesn’t really fit her foot and, instead, fits Lindsay. This performance of Cinderella ends with Prince Charming falling in love with the wicked step-sister and with the step-sister giving an apology to the audience for being a bitch in the scenes of this episode they didn’t see. Yeah, so much for thinking about the show and the people who bought tickets. This shit is so narcissistic it gives narcissists a bad name. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-10h02m10s255Lindsay and Ryan kiss and make-up and our episode ends with the three of them doing a curtain call as I continue wondering if we’ll ever see the two of them actually get together.