We open at the mall where the writers of this shitty show have decided that they want to do an episode about the girls being best friends despite the fact this hasn’t been their characterization the previous episodes. As a result, Lindsay, Rachel, and Maria have suddenly become like those annoying people you see who can’t take a shit without each others’ presence. In this case, they’re sharing a banana split. Ryan says they’re like sisters and Tommy D reveals that, as per his usual style, he has no fucking clue what Siamese twins are when he tries to make a metaphor for the girls’ relationship. Oh, Tommy D…
A voice comes on the intercom to tell all store employees that today is the last day to sign up for the Palisades Mall shopping contest. Yes, it’s a contest where you have to be an employee to enter because that’s great publicity for your mall! You pick a partner and have five minutes to choose four items that come as close to $1,000 as possible. The team that comes closest to $1,000 without going over gets to keep their items.
After Lindsay’s disastrous stint at the video store, Maria got her a job at some place called the “Teen Machine.” That must be where they mass produce characters for The New Class! Also, it seems Maria couldn’t cut it as a waitress for a Japanese restaurant either. Rachel can’t decide whether to pick Lindsay or Maria for the shopping contest so Ryan flips a coin and it comes up Rachel. But, don’t worry, Lindsay and Rachel promise to share their winnings with Maria and they’re just super happy to be friends!
And in walks that something. Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are no longer working for the sporting goods store. No, now they’re working in Sweet Tooth, a candy store! They don’t even try to explain this. They’re just randomly there. And, what’s more, we find out later they’re the only two employees the store has. That…makes no fucking sense. They have jobs as administrators the rest of the week. Is the candy store only open on the weekend? Oh, and, of course, Mr. Belding and Screech are entering the contest together, and Screech manages to knock down a stack of cans that’s just randomly in the food court for some reason.
Ryan goes in the candy store and sucks up to Mr. Belding and Screech enough that they hire him as a third employee. Since this is convenient to the plot, they’re not able to see through Ryan’s bullshit.
We next get to see the “Teen Machine” which is an underage club that uses a really bad redressing of The Max as its headquarters. And, I have to warn you, there’s lots of bad singing because they’re a karaoke bar. Why, this man here is butchering The Brady Bunch theme. He goes for Florence Henderson but it comes out all Yoko Ono. R.J. apparently works there since the sporting goods store went out of existence.
Lindsay and Maria work the juice bar, and, conveniently their shift is over, which means it’s time for them to give us a bad song that The New Class thinks is karaoke.
My name is Lindsay,
They call me Maria,
We’re both best friends,
To give you some ideas.
She’s the best darn waitress that you’ve ever seen,
And Lindsay dresses good, she’s extra nice, not mean.
We just want to say for tips we will cater,
If you don’t want to hang, then just say
Do the writers of this show have any idea what karaoke actually is? They know it’s not just someone standing at a microphone singing random thoughts that come into their head as a generic beat plays, right? Jesus this show makes my head hurt…
But their boss apparently loves their stupid little tune so he asks them to come up with a jingle for the costume part on Saturday, plus using teenage employees is a lot cheaper than having to hire someone to actually write a song. They immediately get to it when Rachel comes in wanting to see the new Brad Pitt movie. Lindsay and Maria say they have to work on the jingle and Rachel’s all butt hurt that she has to wait until tomorrow to see Brad Pitt’s muscly arms.
P.S. girls, Brad Pitt’s new movies in 1995 were Twelve Monkeys and Se7en. Not his finest moments, but Se7en does give the opportunity to listen to the soothing voice of Morgan Freeman. That man’s voice could soothe the angriest savage.
They conveniently have the jingle written by the next scene, and R.J. must be a miracle worker because he can somehow have a full band come out of his console.
On Saturday night,
We’re having a bash,
So tell all your friends,
Dress up and bring cash.
That’s the best you could come up with? THAT’S supposed to bring people in for the party? And it probably will, because the writers of The New Class probably think this is brilliant.
With the song done, Lindsay suggests they go see the movie but Maria asks whether they should call Rachel. Lindsay’s all, “It’s late and Morgan Freeman’s voice would put Rachel to sleep, so let’s go and just keep it a secret from Rachel! That’ll work out great!”
In the candy store, Ryan’s bored because his only customer is Tommy D buying a penny worth of candy. Literally, a penny worth. Mr. Belding says that business has been bad since a new candy store opened up downstairs. Ryan seems worried that things are that bad. No wonder they’re so bad: you’re only open two days a week! I’d say you need to revisit your business plan! But no time for that! Mr. Belding and Screech go off to practice for the contest.
Rachel and Maria come in and let it slip that they went to see the movie without her. Rachel’s upset that they went without her because she was hoping to see Morgan Freeman in a Speedo.
Lindsay and Maria go to the clothing store Rachel works at to apologize. They start to talk but then Lindsay and Maria get dog verses squirrel syndrome when they hear their jingle on the intercom and run off so they can have a prime spot underneath a speaker.
When they realize they left Rachel behind, they run back to try and talk to her but she closes the store because she’s so pissed at them. Uh, I think there are easier ways to ignore people you don’t want to talk to than closing down shop. If this is another of Mr. Moody’s stores, this will not end well…
At the Teen Machine, Ryan gives Lindsay a chocolate heart and kisses her, to which the audience loses their shit because they wish someone would touch them. Ryan says he bought it to support the candy store and R.J. reminds him he won’t have to give a damn about it after this episode.
Rachel comes in and says she won’t be Lindsay’s partner for the contest because of the forced conflict in their lives. Lindsay says she’ll pick Maria instead and Rachel says that’s okay because she’ll find someone who will beat both of them.
And that someone is the second biggest idiot on this show, who can even get the rules of the contest right. Yeah, having Tommy D as a partner is never a winning proposition. Just ask Lindsay and Natalie.
And Tommy D picks a giant wheel of cheese, which Rachel thinks is dumb, but which I think is brilliant, but I do like cheese. Come to think of it, how in the world are they going to split these prizes? They only get to pick four things so do they play eanie meanie miney mo to decide who gets what?
No time to think about that because Mr. Belding collapses due to exhaustion from training!
With less than a minute left, it looks like Rachel and Tommy D are going to win. They’re at $999 but need one more item so Rachel tells Tommy D to go get a pencil so they’ll win. Tommy D somehow manages to come back with a $500 pencil, putting them over and making Lindsay and Maria the winners. But, in the best moment of the episode, Rachel slaps Tommy D upside the head for being a dumb ass. You know, that was worth this entire episode…
After a break, we have some sadness because Rachel and Maria have no one to eat the third scoop of ice cream on their banana split. Solution: Tommy D just grabs the whole thing and eats all three! Ryan’s sick of this bullshit plot that makes them seem like they’re a lesbian polyamorous couple so he hatches a scheme to get Lindsay and Maria back together with Rachel. Ryan tells them the three of them will dress up as the Three Musketeers. When they leave, he tells Tommy D and R.J. to go and see Rachel.
At the candy store, Mr. Belding tries to give Ryan his paycheck but Ryan says he can’t accept it. He admits to Mr. Belding and Screech that he only took the job to enter the shopping contest but now he cares about the store so he wants to contrive an unbelievable way for the candy store to survive. This leads Screech to do some horrible dancing to another jingle from the Teen Machine, which gives Ryan an idea of how to convince idiots to visit the candy store.
Rachel’s equally disturbed to find out that Tommy D and R.J. came dressed as Batman and Robin, homoerotic undertones and all. They try to force the girls together but they still won’t talk.
Mr. Belding, Screech, and Ryan go on stage and give us one more horrible song for the episode:
Sweet Tooth store, Sweet Tooth store,
We got candy, we got candy,
Gummy bears and lemon drops,
Caramel apples and lollipops,
You’re gonna like it ’cause we’re the tops,
At Sweet Tooth store.
My head is exploding. First of all, does the owner of the Teen Machine not care that another store is randomly doing a promo from his stage? Second, who the hell wrote this and who since the 1950’s has said anything was “the tops?”
Well, they throw some candy into the audience and this is enough to convince all the extras to get their candy from Sweet Tooth, which is too bad since it’s probably closing tomorrow due to the writers having no more use for it.
Meanwhile, Lindsay and Rachel both catch a giant magic candy cane that makes them instantly want to make up with each other. The three decide that, with less than a minute left in the episode, they should find some resolution lest this become a two parter. They all apologize and make up and live happily ever after.
And our episode ends with seven actors dressed in costumes wondering where their acting careers went wrong.