We open in the hall at Bayside, with Screech running into Mr. Belding while roller blading and wearing a gay pride shirt. Seriously, when you see where their subplot is going, this shirt is going to seem really ironic! Mr. Belding tells Screech to cut this shit off since he’s constantly doing stupid and idiotic dumb fuckery, and Screech acts offended that Mr. Belding would reprimand him for doing stupid things. How Screech manages to not get killed by random household objects is beyond me.
We’re back at the mall this week with Liz vomiting up some exposition about Katie getting a new boss at the gym, because I guess Liz thinks she’s important to this show now that she has some job as a glorified administrative assistant. Liz asks Katie why she’s not there working to suck up to him and she’s all, “‘Cause I’m hella hungry! Go fucking bug someone else!”
Also, Maria says that Liz is only sixteen in this episode. So that means she won’t be graduating at the end of next season, right? I know: it’s my fault for expecting this show to maintain some sort of continuity.
This one’s a doozey folks, so try to keep up. I apologize for how stupid this all sounds, but, I swear, it’s this whole stupid episode…
We open in the movie theater, where Tony and Maria confirm through exposition that they are, indeed, dating now, in case you’re like me and confused as to their status after their single major interaction at the dance two weeks ago. Glad to know they’re such a loving couple in love now.
But, just as they’re getting ready to go hot and heavy with each other, the rest of the gang shows up. This really serves no purpose other than to delay Tony’s attempt to finger bang Maria and so Nicky and Katie can give some exposition about a teen dating show called Two of Hearts coming to Bayside. Naturally, Nicky and Katie plan on trying out because they’re suddenly The New Class‘s answer to Zack Morris and Kelly. Also, Liz wants to be a producer all of the sudden because she suddenly has time for all that shit with her swimming and all.
We open at The Max with Tony distracted looking at something. Eric throws a paper wad at him to snap him out of whatever trance he’s in, and we soon learn that Tony’s looking at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue at a picture of Cindy Crawford in a bikini. Also, why do chefs at The Max suddenly dress like Chef Boyardee? Is that how the producers really think short order cooks dress?
And soon all three of our male cast are doing the same. Judging by the looks on their faces, I’d say this is the closest they’ve ever come to seeing a naked lady. Don’t worry: this has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode except that Tony reveals he likes to smoke cigars and cigar-shaped objects.
We open with the girls harassing Nicky about hanging a banner for the homecoming dance. I almost hoped this was a repeat of last season where they’d talk about how much more awesome Ryan was at hanging signs than Nicky, but it’s just a pointless scene that has absolutely no bearing on the rest of the episode other than to piss Nicky the fuck off and then give him a chance to kiss Katie and make up for her being an ass so the audience can lose their shit. I wonder if he regrets dating all three of these girls yet?