We open at the mall and at what’s apparently the newly remodeled Teen Machine, even though absolutely nothing’s changed and the writers seem to have forgotten that was a plot point a few episodes ago. But no time for that! There are exciting things like photo booths happening at the mall and the gang want to go have their cheap ass photos taken before Screech gets the same idea and breaks the camera!
But Tony’s all, “TONY NO LIKE CAMERA! CAMERA STEAL TONY’S SOUL!” The gang go to leave without him, but Maria realizes Tony has no soul and stays behind to find out what her bad acting boyfriend is really upset about. And thus we get our real reason why this episode exists as Maria reminds Tony how much they fought when they weren’t communicating back in the first episode. Yes, it’s a fucking clip show episode about Tony, because, if there’s one member of this cast who deserved a clip episode, it’s the one who’s only been on the show twelve episodes and hasn’t contributed anything of value to the show except for one of the worst performances in the franchise’s history.
We’re back to one of the staples of this show, fundraising episodes! Yay, I missed them so much when they were only marginally used in season five. I hope we can see a stupidly themed dance to go along with it that makes me think no one involved has any common sense.
We open in the hallway with Eric interviewing Liz and Katie for the radio station about how super dee nervous they must be to be competing in such a major competition and shit. And Eric must think he’s working for the television station because he keeps making visual references as if his audience can see what the fuck he’s talking about. This proves, once and for all, the writers of The New Class don’t understand how television works.
We open with most of the gang bemoaning their gluttony and Nicky wanting to work out but Katie reminding him he let his membership expire. Maria points out she’s given free shit while Eric wants to give out free rats. Don’t worry: none of this has anything to do with the rest of the plot, but the writers just thought they would throw some preachy shit in for shits and giggles.
No, the real start of the plot is that Tony’s looking for a job. Yeah. Not even an explanation on how this one’s actually going to work, but I’ll get to that more in a few minutes. Also, apparently Petzilla may or may not sell poisonous snakes because it’s a great idea to sell deadly animals to people as pets. Come on, writers, I know you were going for a cheap laugh, but, if it’s something a five year old could figure out is wrong, maybe you should make your jokes more realistic.
We open at The Max, where Maria rushes in to declare she’s suddenly on the swim team just like Liz and Katie! This serves absolutely no purpose in the rest of the episode other than to give Maria a reason to be pissed about what follows, but, hey, let’s just put all the girls on one sports team just like we randomly put all the boys on one team!
Also, if Maria just came from tryouts, why wasn’t Liz, the team captain, there? I get that the writers of this show don’t understand how high school works, but they could at least pretend!
We open in the hall at Bayside, with Screech running into Mr. Belding while roller blading and wearing a gay pride shirt. Seriously, when you see where their subplot is going, this shirt is going to seem really ironic! Mr. Belding tells Screech to cut this shit off since he’s constantly doing stupid and idiotic dumb fuckery, and Screech acts offended that Mr. Belding would reprimand him for doing stupid things. How Screech manages to not get killed by random household objects is beyond me.
We’re back at the mall this week with Liz vomiting up some exposition about Katie getting a new boss at the gym, because I guess Liz thinks she’s important to this show now that she has some job as a glorified administrative assistant. Liz asks Katie why she’s not there working to suck up to him and she’s all, “‘Cause I’m hella hungry! Go fucking bug someone else!”
Also, Maria says that Liz is only sixteen in this episode. So that means she won’t be graduating at the end of next season, right? I know: it’s my fault for expecting this show to maintain some sort of continuity.
This one’s a doozey folks, so try to keep up. I apologize for how stupid this all sounds, but, I swear, it’s this whole stupid episode…
We open in the movie theater, where Tony and Maria confirm through exposition that they are, indeed, dating now, in case you’re like me and confused as to their status after their single major interaction at the dance two weeks ago. Glad to know they’re such a loving couple in love now.
But, just as they’re getting ready to go hot and heavy with each other, the rest of the gang shows up. This really serves no purpose other than to delay Tony’s attempt to finger bang Maria and so Nicky and Katie can give some exposition about a teen dating show called Two of Hearts coming to Bayside. Naturally, Nicky and Katie plan on trying out because they’re suddenly The New Class‘s answer to Zack Morris and Kelly. Also, Liz wants to be a producer all of the sudden because she suddenly has time for all that shit with her swimming and all.
We open at The Max with Tony distracted looking at something. Eric throws a paper wad at him to snap him out of whatever trance he’s in, and we soon learn that Tony’s looking at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue at a picture of Cindy Crawford in a bikini. Also, why do chefs at The Max suddenly dress like Chef Boyardee? Is that how the producers really think short order cooks dress?
And soon all three of our male cast are doing the same. Judging by the looks on their faces, I’d say this is the closest they’ve ever come to seeing a naked lady. Don’t worry: this has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode except that Tony reveals he likes to smoke cigars and cigar-shaped objects.
We open with the girls harassing Nicky about hanging a banner for the homecoming dance. I almost hoped this was a repeat of last season where they’d talk about how much more awesome Ryan was at hanging signs than Nicky, but it’s just a pointless scene that has absolutely no bearing on the rest of the episode other than to piss Nicky the fuck off and then give him a chance to kiss Katie and make up for her being an ass so the audience can lose their shit. I wonder if he regrets dating all three of these girls yet?
Our comic opens with the gang excited as hell about the upcoming holidays, so much so that Zack Morris appears to have become one of the Walking Dead. They’re all psyched about Lisa’s annual New Years Eve party as well, except for Jessie, who’s psyched to study for an Algebra final because her characterization is such that she wouldn’t know fun if it kicked her in the ass, or in the form of caffeine pills.
They’re having so much fun talking about shit that Mr. Belding decides to walk straight up and personally remind them that deposits for the freshman ski trip are due tomorrow since I guess Lisa’s stupid party was so exciting it made them forget about a school trip.