The New Class Season 7, Episode 3: “ME TV”


Our episode opens with Eric pacing the floor at The Max and holding an envelope. What could he be so nervous about opening you ask? College acceptance papers? SAT scores? Something else? No, it’s from a record label who actually took the time to listen to his demo tape and is writing to say he sucks ass. In what’s becoming a running theme the last two seasons, a character starts saying insensitive shit that makes the character feel worse, in this case, Liz reminding him that Michael Jackson was a superstar by the time he was Eric’s age. I’m not sure if the writers think that a character being a jerk to another character is funny, but it just comes off as uncomfortable.

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The New Class Season 7, Episode 2: “Prescription for Trouble”


We open in the hallway where Tony’s all, “TONY WRITE POEM FOR MARIA’S BIRTHDAY BECAUSE TONY DEEP INTELLECTUAL IS!” And it turns out Tony’s deep contribution to the canon of poetry is a tome comparing Maria’s eyes to a football that makes Brian’s love poem to Rachel back in season two seem like the sonnets of Shakespeare by comparison.  Eric’s all, “Your poems suck almost as much as you do. Let’s rip off a Saved by the Bell plot and get a shady adult who likes hanging out with kids to sell you some real cheap jewelry for her instead!”

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The New Class Season 7, Episode 1: “Show Me the Money”

I never thought this day would come. The first episode of the final season of The New Class. I’ve been reviewing this fucking show for nearly three years. Three years of my life on this garbage, and it will be over in thirteen episodes! It’s like that feeling when you’ve been constipated for days, but your suffering is finally relieved by a less than satisfying bowel movement. I can almost taste the end of this bloody awful mess!

So, as long as they confine this season to the second semester of the gang’s senior year, I’m okay with the artificial division between seasons six and seven. Let’s see how well they do!

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 13: “Season Greed-ings”


Ah, yes, one more mall episode for the season, with Liz explaining that she’s convinced every store in the mall to donate ten percent of their holiday sales to some charity for underprivileged kids, or at least that’s what Katie exposits they are since the dialogue on this show sounds like nothing any kid has ever said. Yes, welcome to our final Christmas episode on this show, and boy is it a doozey, making me wish for the good ‘ole days of clip show Christmas episodes. But there’s no time for thinking about that because Liz continues that the employee who makes the most sales wins a $500 mall gift certificate.

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 12: “Bye-bye Tony”


We open at the mall and at what’s apparently the newly remodeled  Teen Machine, even though absolutely nothing’s changed and the writers seem to have forgotten that was a plot point a few episodes ago. But no time for that! There are exciting things like photo booths happening at the mall and the gang want to go have their cheap ass photos taken before Screech gets the same idea and breaks the camera!

But Tony’s all, “TONY NO LIKE CAMERA! CAMERA STEAL TONY’S SOUL!” The gang go to leave without him, but Maria realizes Tony has no soul and stays behind to find out what her bad acting boyfriend is really upset about. And thus we get our real reason why this episode exists as Maria reminds Tony how much they fought when they weren’t communicating back in the first episode. Yes, it’s a fucking clip show episode about Tony, because, if there’s one member of this cast who deserved a clip episode, it’s the one who’s only been on the show twelve episodes and hasn’t contributed anything of value to the show except for one of the worst performances in the franchise’s history.

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 11: “Loser”


We’re back to one of the staples of this show, fundraising episodes! Yay, I missed them so much when they were only marginally used in season five. I hope we can see a stupidly themed dance to go along with it that makes me think no one involved has any common sense.


We open in the hallway with Eric interviewing Liz and Katie for the radio station about how super dee nervous they must be to be competing in such a major competition and shit. And Eric must think he’s working for the television station because he keeps making visual references as if his audience can see what the fuck he’s talking about. This proves, once and for all, the writers of The New Class don’t understand how television works.

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 10: “Free for All”


We open with most of the gang bemoaning their gluttony and Nicky wanting to work out but Katie reminding him he let his membership expire. Maria points out she’s given free shit while Eric wants to give out free rats. Don’t worry: none of this has anything to do with the rest of the plot, but the writers just thought they would throw some preachy shit in for shits and giggles.


No, the real start of the plot is that Tony’s looking for a job. Yeah. Not even an explanation on how this one’s actually going to work, but I’ll get to that more in a few minutes. Also, apparently Petzilla may or may not sell poisonous snakes because it’s a great idea to sell deadly animals to people as pets. Come on, writers, I know you were going for a cheap laugh, but, if it’s something a five year old could figure out is wrong, maybe you should make your jokes more realistic.

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 9: “Mind Games”


We open at The Max, where Maria rushes in to declare she’s suddenly on the swim team just like Liz and Katie! This serves absolutely no purpose in the rest of the episode other than to give Maria a reason to be pissed about what follows, but, hey, let’s just put all the girls on one sports team just like we randomly put all the boys on one team!

Also, if Maria just came from tryouts, why wasn’t Liz, the team captain, there? I get that the writers of this show don’t understand how high school works, but they could at least pretend!

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 8: “Guess Who’s Running the Max”


We open in the hall at Bayside, with Screech running into Mr. Belding while roller blading and wearing a gay pride shirt. Seriously, when you see where their subplot is going, this shirt is going to seem really ironic! Mr. Belding tells Screech to cut this shit off since he’s constantly doing stupid and idiotic dumb fuckery, and Screech acts offended that Mr. Belding would reprimand him for doing stupid things. How Screech manages to not get killed by random household objects is beyond me.

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The New Class Season 6, Episode 7: “Hands Off”


We’re back at the mall this week with Liz vomiting up some exposition about Katie getting a new boss at the gym, because I guess Liz thinks she’s important to this show now that she has some job as a glorified administrative assistant. Liz asks Katie why she’s not there working to suck up to him and she’s all, “‘Cause I’m hella hungry! Go fucking bug someone else!”

Also, Maria says that Liz is only sixteen in this episode. So that means she won’t be graduating at the end of next season, right? I know: it’s my fault for expecting this show to maintain some sort of continuity.

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