Zack Morris enters The Max, apparently coming directly from a cross country meet without showering or changing or anything hygienic like that because the sweat molecules are helping maintain his hairstyle for this episode. And he’s pissing himself he’s so excited he got a third place ribbon because Kelly apparently has lowered her already low standards in order to accept third place losers and may finally put out for him. Kelly thinks the ribbon is just swell and gives him a friendly hug congratulating him, which is the closest Zack Morris has ever gotten to sex with Kelly and makes him think he’s finally going to reach her lady places later. Jessie is butt hurt because she’s jealous for some reason that Zack Morris actually succeeded at something since that’s her cliché, and Screech declares he once won fifth place in an ALF look-alike contest, which I’m sure he didn’t even need a costume for. Lately it seems like we’re on a kick of bringing back nostalgic nineties shows and, if they ever decide to bring ALF back, I think Dustin Diamond could still play a lovable furry alien who eats cats.
Slater enters with a giant trophy he won as a wrestling champion, and the girls go crazy over his big ass trophy, presumably because they believe it’s scaled to indicate Slater’s size in other areas. Zack Morris is fucking jealous about the attention Slater is getting, especially when Kelly forgets about Zack Morris’s little tiny prize and goes after Slater’s ginormous one.
The adulation continues at school as Mr. Belding declares that Slater is the first champion Bayside has ever had at anything, which I find extremely hard to believe, but whatever. Zack Morris is more butt hurt than ever, especially when Kelly wants Slater to teach her how to wrestle, which I assume is a euphemism for hot fucking. For some reason, Mr. Belding decides it would be a good idea to let Slater do his winning wrestling move on him, which, considering the previous sentence, is extremely disturbing, and Mr. Belding ends up walking away towards the nurse’s office doing his best impression of Captain Hook if he were a member of the Lollipop Guild.
Slater walks in the opposite direction as a gaggle of screaming female extras chase after him seeking to have his love child.
Zack Morris and Screech are left alone in the hallway when they’re approached by a tall, dark, Latino soldier who’s looking for Mr. Belding. While one may wish that this was the long awaited debut of G.I. José, it’s actually the first appearance of Major Martin Slater, Slater’s father.
Zack Morris runs interference on directions to the nurse’s office because he has a secret homoerotic agenda towards the Slater family and wants to stalk the good Major and find out if he’s as strong, hunky, and big as his son.
A badly drawn light bulb appears over Zack Morris’s head, and I suddenly think he may have an idea of how to follow the elder Slater based on my vast knowledge of Looney Tunes physics. They head to Mr. Belding’s ofice with Zack Morris declaring he has a plan to find out why Major Slater is there.
Mr. Belding and Major Slater soon enter Mr. Belding’s office and I’m kind of impressed that the writers remembered Mr. Belding’s Indiana background from Good Morning, Miss Bliss, as he tells Major Slater he served in the Indiana National Guard. This still doesn’t explain why Mr. Belding moved across the country with three of his students but it’s a refreshing bit of continuity.
Screech’s head discretely pops out of Mr. Belding’s file cabinet and I’ll not even bother questioning how he could possibly get in the contortions to do that, other than the possibility that he’s actually Gumby and can bend his limbs in various convienent comic ways. He listens in on Major Slater tell Mr. Belding that the Slaters are going Hawaii. Major Slater got a transfer and he’s planning on taking Slater with him, because the Major says that’s all his son has ever wanted. Mr. Belding, because he can’t think of anything but himself, tries to talk Major Slater out of it because he doesn’t want to lose his wrestling champion, but Major Slater is insistent that his son will love Hawaii much more than his current locale full of stalky, creepy sociopaths left over from a Disney Channel show.
Mr. Belding calls Slater into his office and Slater is not sure he wants to move because the people at Bayside actually don’t hate his guts and he still has three more seasons until graduation to change their minds. Major Slater tells his son that he has four days to make up his mind whether he wants to go to Hawaii or stay in California for a few more years of wacky hijinks.
Zack Morris and Screech go to the holy sanctuary of Bayside that is the boy’s restroom to discuss what Screech has found out and Screech does his best Gollum from Lord of the Rings impersonation. I guess Dustin Diamond just has a knack for doing impressions of other-worldly, creepy fictional characters.
Screech encourages Zack Morris that, if he’s ever going to fuck Kelly, he has to get rid of Slater and, since murder is still illegal in California, Zack Morris has a different idea to accomplish his nefarious purpose. He leaves Screech in the restroom as Screech switches to an impersonation of a turtle who’s been knocked on its back. I’m glad Dustin Diamond is such a versatile actor.
Zack Morris tells the girls that Slater is dying with the most fake sounding fake disease in the history of network television and that they should treat Slater like shit so that he’ll go to a clinic in Hawaii where he can be treated for said disease. Zack Morris has them spooked enough that Jessie goes to Mr. Belding to find out if it’s true and, of course, because it would make too much sense to just say what they’re talking about, Jessie assumes that Mr. Belding is talking about Slater dying when he says Slater doesn’t have much time. This is actually a well done play on words, especially by Saved by the Bell standards, and Jessie just thinks Mr. Belding is an insensitive jack ass because she now believes she has confirmation that Slater is dying. The real question, though, is whether Bayside has no semblance of student privacy as it seems like Mr. Belding is just constantly giving out confidential student information to anyone who asks.
Jessie tells Lisa and Kelly about her discovery. Zack Morris convinces them through a series of practical jokes that Slater is displaying symptoms of the onset of the disease including sneezing, itching, and loss of memory. The girls, being so sensitive, start their best impression of fake crying. Slater asks Zack Morris what’s wrong and he tells them that they were in home ec today and they’re just having lady problems. Oh, and Slater starts dancing like a leprechaun.
The girls start treating Slater like shit as Zack Morris suggested so that he’ll go to Hawaii, and Zack Morris steals Slater’s trophy from the trophy case. And apparently a half a day of being treated like shit is enough to convince Slater to go to Hawaii rather than actually trying to find out why people are treating him like shit. But then Kelly tells them she’s going with Slater because she wants to help him get better through hot fucking therapy. We find out Kelly has an uncle in Hawaii so she has a built in excuse for some hot Slater action. Slater soon realizes that this is all part of one of Zack Morris’s sociopathic schemes and starts playing along to get revenge on Zack Morris.
In the restroom, Slater begs Zack Morris to talk to Major Slater and convince him not to go to Hawaii and Zack Morris demonstrates how he can warp the laws of time and space.
At the Slater home, the father and son Slater have set up a room like a military office in preparation for Slater’s revenge on Zack Morris. Zack Morris enters and Major Slater, who must have kidnapped a Bayside faculty member for acting lessons, pretends to be bat shit crazy, including having hallucinations and taking the pin out of what he claims to be a live grenade. And Major Slater tries to grab Zack Morris’s hot ass for some reason.
Major Slater’s bat shit crazy behavior makes Zack Morris flea in terror, and the Slater boys give thumbs up on a job well done.
I don’t get this scene at all. How is this supposed to be revenge against Zack Morris? Why would it do anything but convince Zack Morris that all people with the last name Slater are insane? And why doesn’t he call the police and tell them a madman is pulling the pins from live grenades?
None of these questions will be answered because we cut to The Max where the girls, Screech, and Max are throwing a Hawaiian themed farewell party for Slater.
The girls are all dressed in revealing hula outfits because they’re contractually obligated to take off their clothes a certain time each season to please the horny boys in the audience.
And then the most disturbing thing in the history of Saturday morning programming comes out: Screech dressed as the “Pineapple Princess.” And make sure you notice the extra who’s looking lustfully at our Pineapple Princess in the background. Is this episode not rated M? I know I need an adult right now.
They all start a conga line through The Max and I’m just imagining what it would be like to be a new customer right now. You walk into The Max for the first time ever and you first see a bunch of hot babes in hulas skirts but then you see the owner and a random cross-dressing male pubescent wierdo engaged in the hula too. I don’t know about you but I’d turn around and walk back out.
Zack Morris enters in the midst of it all with Slater’s trophy and the jig is up. Slater reveals he knew about Zack Morris’s plan and was trying to get back at Zack Morris. The girls all get pissed off at…Slater…
OK, I don’t get this. Sure, Slater is an asshole for not telling the girls right away when he realized Zack Morris was up to something, but the bigger asshole here is Zack Morris. I mean he’s a fucking sociopath. He was willing to manipulate the girls into getting Slater to go to Hawaii all for his own personal gain and then changed his mind when his personal gain was going to Hawaii with Slater. For fucks sake, this is the worst thing Zack Morris has done on this show yet. Someone have him examined by a trained mental health professional to find out if he ate Not-Slater and Not-Jessie last year and that’s why he had to move to California!
So our plot is wrapped up in a nice little bow and Zack Morris says he’s not terribly sad Slater is not leaving because now he has a chance to fulfill his homoerotic fantasies regarding Slater. And Slater does one more psycho thing by pulling out a grenade, pulling the pin, and tossing it to Zack Morris. The Max blows up and everyone in it dies horrible painful deaths, and next episode The New Class premieres as Mr. Belding tries to figure out where he went so long with these juvenile delinquents.
Firsts: Major Martin Slater (Slater’s father), Slater’s house, Zack Morris warping the laws of time and space.