Just to warn you guys, this one is a doozey. I thought “Wall Street” was bad but it looks like Citizen Kane compared to what I just watched. I never want to watch this episode again.
In the cold opening (which is inexplicably back after a two episode hiatus), Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, Not-Jessie, and a young Stephen Hawking are waiting on the staircase for some pop singer named “Stevie” to come around. She’s apparently planning to come to JFK to sing the song that her career was launched from on the stage her career was launched from, because lots of pop singers get their starts on the middle school stage. Zack Morris declares, “Me Zack Morris! Stevie belong me!” and Lisa, who is the president of the Stevie Fan Club, tells him to shut the fuck up because Stevie is seventeen years old and would never commit sexual assault by going for him. She would go for River Phoenix instead, once again seriously dating this series. I don’t know what it was with the writers in the Saved by the Bell universe but they seriously liked to talk about girls going for River Phoenix.
Not-Slater thinks he sees Stevie coming and everyone starts cheering as Screech comes around the corner, who now believes himself to be fuckable. Meanwhile, a stranger sneaks up behind Lisa and asks what’s going on and, oh, wouldn’t you know it, it’s our titular Stevie. I totally didn’t see that one coming. And she’s totally not trying to rip off every famous eighties female pop singer.
Let me take this opportunity to voice my biggest problem with this episode. If you’re going to do an episode about a pop singer you should, I don’t know, have an episode with an actual fucking pop singer! As far as I can tell, Stevie is not a real pop singer and the actress playing her wasn’t even trying to become a pop singer so you can’t even claim there’s some Hannah Montana shit going on up in here! If you want to do a pop singer episode, as clichéd as it is, then at least cough up the money to have a cameo by a real fucking pop singer!
Anyway, after the credits, Miss Bliss tells us in her voice over that she’s fucking tired at the end of the school day and very glad she doesn’t have to deal with the little shits she teaches anymore, when Zack Morris and Not-Jessie just randomly come into her classroom arguing. Zack Morris apparently bet Not-Jessie a year of washing gym clothes that he would kiss Stevie, because forcibly kissing pop stars isn’t creepy or prison-worthy at all, and he kissed her poster instead. Miss Bliss, instead of telling them to get the fuck out of her room, tells them that gambling is not allowed in school. And Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris she’ll take as much of that action as she can get. Wait…what? She seriously said that. I’m not even making that up. Did Miss Bliss just hit on Zack Morris?
Zack Morris and Not-Jessie leave the room and Stevie comes in. And, of course, Miss Bliss is a former teacher of Stevie, whom she knows as “Colleen Moore.” Despite the problems Miss Bliss had with someone staying with her just two episodes ago, she invites Stevie to stay with her while she’s in town because Indianapolis is a rural farming town with no hotels that rich celebrities could stay at.
Miss Bliss brings Stevie to the office and Mr. Belding and Mylo seem much too excited to be seeing her, with Mr. Belding encouraging Stevie to give him a big hug and call him Richard. Um, yeah.
A running gag throughout this episode is Stevie constantly getting Mr. Belding’s name wrong and calling him “Mr. Spalding” or “Mr. Spelling” or “Mr. Spelding,” which I kind of chuckled at because it serves the purpose of bringing Mr. Belding down a few pegs. Mr. Spelling introduces Stevie to Mylo and he delivers his usual Mylo creepiness, but it’s amplified even more this time as he pulls a Misery-esque act on Stevie and tells her, “I love your records!”
Yeah, keep in mind throughout this episode that Stevie is seventeen. This entire episode is so fucking creepy.
Anyway, Stevie wants to sing her song to one special person at JFK and, after Mr. Spelling gets the false impression that she wants to sing it to him, Miss Bliss clarifies that Stevie wants to sing it to a male student. Yeah, everyone in this episode is a pervert.
In the cafeteria, Lisa tells Not-Jessie that Tina asked her to pick someone to interview Stevie for the school newspaper and, of course, she picked herself. My biggest question is why Tina is in charge of the fucking school newspaper. That’s usually handled by a teacher with an English or a Journalism degree, not a psychopathic woman who likes to play dress-up and rarely teaches at all.
Miss Bliss and Tina talk about how they can’t believe that Colleen grew up to be Stevie and Tina claims she knew it from her first time in her music class. Can I assume that Tina was a lesser influence than Miss Bliss since Stevie came to visit Miss Bliss and is staying at Miss Bliss’s house, not Tina’s? Miss Bliss says that success hasn’t changed Stevie because she’s still a sloppy teenager. And Miss Bliss tells Tina to keep her fucking mouth shut about Stevie staying at Miss Bliss’s house because no one else knows.
Zack Morris comes in and tells Not-Jessie he’s going to be the one Stevie picks to sing the song to, and Screech does a really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation as he declares he will pump Stevie up. And Not-Jessie thinks Stevie is a manipulator who will do anything for publicity. Get it: Not-Jessie has the complete opposite point of view about Stevie from Miss Bliss. I guess it’s supposed to be ironic.
Stevie comes bounding down the stairs at Miss Bliss’s house, now dressed as normal person Colleen, and tells Miss Bliss she got accepted at Notre Dame. Miss Bliss asks Stevie when she decided to go to college and she says since the writers needed a forced subplot that contributes nothing to the episode. Miss Bliss wants to know what Stevie is going to do about her music career and Stevie tells her not to worry because she’ll never be mentioned in the Saved by the Bell universe again after this episode so no one will give a shit.
Zack Morris is getting information on Stevie from Lisa so he can guarantee that he’ll be the one she sings the song to. She tells Zack Morris that Stevie loves charities, stray animals, and lost causes, making Zack Morris a shoo in as the winner but he gets a plan to ensure he’ll be chosen.
Stevie comes in and tells Mr. Spelling that she’s picked the boy she’s going to sing to, a young boy who’s dying. And Mr. Spelling, for the first time in the franchise, believes one of Zack Morris’s stories when he says he can’t believe Zack Morris is dying.
Mr. Spelling announces on the intercom that Zack Morris has been selected for Stevie to sing to and for him to come to the principal’s office. On his way, he’s stopped by Mylo, who, in the one time he tries to do something useful for the school, shows that the writers forgot to tell his character that Zack Morris had been called to the principal’s office seconds earlier and demands to see a hall pass. Mr. Spelling is loitering in the hall for some reason rather than waiting for Zack Morris in his office and tells Zack Morris that Stevie showed him the letter. Mylo demands that Zack Morris be punished for breaking the rule he didn’t break and, instead of telling Mylo to fuck off and start listening to his announcements, Mr. Spelling whispers about Zack Morris’s condition into Mylo’s ear.
In the cafeteria, Lisa and Not-Jessie are interviewing Stevie and Not-Jessie practically has a panic attack as she tells Stevie that she’s a selfish bastard for going to college and not thinking about her. Wait, how did they find out about Stevie going to college? She literally just decided a few scenes ago! That’s not enough time to get the information into the media! And Stevie, in typical late eighties propaganda, tells the girls that singing isn’t everything and a college education is really important, because even if you are successful and make millions of dollars, you’re a worthless piles of shit if you don’t have a college education.
In Miss Bliss’s room, Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris that Mr. Spelling showed her the note from the doctor and there’s a brief moment that, if you’ve never watched this show before and you’ve been living under a rock your whole life, you may belief that Miss Bliss bought Zack Morris’s story. Miss Bliss shows she has some schadenfreude in her when she tells Zack Morris she knows a cure for his condition and has him hop on one leg with his arms in the air while he clucks like a chicken.
She then proceeds to tell him he’s a sociopathic manipulative dumb ass and that he needs to report to Mr. Spelling’s office right away.
That night, Zack Morris goes over to Miss Bliss’s house to apologize and ask her to tell Stevie how sorry he is. Stevie, in her Colleen costume, answers the door and the two bond as Stevie tries to find out if Zack Morris wants to fuck her and, because everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe lacks facial recognition skills and apparently doesn’t know her real first name, he doesn’t realize she’s Stevie. Stevie totally doesn’t think it’s creepy that Zack Morris was trying to forcibly kiss her to win a bet and, on his way out, the seventeen year old who was just admitted to college gives the fourteen year old junior high student a hot and sexy closed mouth kiss.
That night, they hold the concert in the cafeteria/auditorium, and Tina says some scalper offered her $200 for her faculty ID, which I find completely implausible because no one wants to be Tina. And, considering Miss Bliss and Tina appear to be the only adults and non-students present at the concert, this throw away line makes no sense.
Not-Jessie brought her gym bag to the concert and Not-Slater exposits about how Zack Morris will have detention for his Stevie prank because the writers wanted to wrap up all the loose strings of this episode in the next few minutes and Zack Morris admits he lost the bet. So Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie are in the front row for the concert, of course, and Lisa says it’s the last time Stevie will ever play, because she totally can’t sing while she’s in college because the Catholic nuns that the writers no doubt think Notre Dame has would totally beat the shit out of her for it.
And so Stevie comes out dressed in a horrible eighties style gold dress and sings a horrible song for the kids, and we are treated to the entire song, complete with her molesting Screech on stage, who she apparently choose to sing the song to instead of Zack Morris.
Her song is called “Hotline to your Heart.” After hearing the song, I just want to give her the number for the Rejection Hotline.
She also takes the opportunity to molest another junior high student on stage in front of witnesses while she’s at it.
And Screech does the classy thing that women love and cheers that he got some.
She goes into the audience, forcing all the teen boys present to hide the erections they’re no doubt getting.
She then goes up to the front and gyrates in front of Zack Morris, which he seems to think is hot. He tells Stevie that was great, and she only tells him that her friends call her “Colleen” and walks backstage, leaving him in shock and disbelief.
And, of course, no one will believe Zack Morris that he won the bet and Not-Jessie shoves her gym clothes at him. The episode ends as he rushes backstage to find Stevie and prove he got some, and I can only imagine that, as the end credits are rolling, he’s having the crap beat out of him by security for rushing the backstage area.
By the way, if you’re curious, here are what I think are the lyrics for her “hit.” I had to listen several times with high quality ear buds and I’m still not completely sure if I got them right. If I didn’t, fuck it! It’s a horrible song that I’ve now listened to more times than anyone should have to. And if you, too, want to suffer through it, we’ve been blessed with a video of it on YouTube.
Don’t want to phone your eyes and avoid my stare,
I know you just don’t care what I do.
It’s going on for days, it’s somewhere off in space,
And I just can’t get it through to you!
Emergency! I’m burning up!
Emergency! I’m a torch!
If there’s a hotline to your heart!
I need direct connection before we we drift apart!
Hotline to your heart!
And there without affection!
I need a, I need a hotline, yeah!
Don’t try to shut me out of your life.
I’m just a tryin’ to make it right!
You’ve nothing left to lose!
I, I, I, need a hotline!
Give me a hotline to your heart!
I need direct connection before we drift apart!
Hotline to your heart!
Can’t live without affection!
You know I need a hotline to your heart!
I can’t live without you, live without you, live without you baby!
Yeah, what a great message for teenagers. I can’t live without you. Maybe Screech will commit suicide next time Lisa rejects him now.