This episode is stupid. Mind-numbingly stupid. I have nothing but utter contempt for this piece of garbage episode and its intelligence insulting plot and sub-plot. I would rather watch Stevie serenade me all night than watch this episode again. I would rather see The New Class perform awful reenactments of things our founding fathers never did than watch this episode again. I would rather read Behind the Bell than watch this crap again. I would rather get a root canal while Lorena Bobbitt does reconstructive surgery on my nether regions than watch this episode again.
What, you ask, could make me hate this episode this much? Well, let’s find out.So our crap fest opens with Zack Morris carrying a product placement and a detention slip. He’s utterly ecstatic that he’s earned another detention. Meanwhile, there’s a birthday party for Kelly Saturday night and Jessie and Lisa don’t have dates because you totally have to have a date to go to your friend’s birthday party. “Feminism! Women’s liberation! Peeing while standing up!” Jessie exclaims. Slater’s on about them not being able to find dates because their vaginae are all dried up.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding is harassing all the extras to take his niece, Penny, out on Friday. They all run off shrieking in terror and he comes upon our heroes.Boy, Slater sure can vividly imagine Mr. Belding in a dress. Isn’t that special. Slater runs off in abject terror and we find out through the power of exposition that this is Zack Morris’s ninth detention. On the tenth, he will face suspension, which seems reasonable, right? Oh, just watch on, dear viewer.
In class, Lisa tells Jessie that she wants to set her up with the hot piece of ass that lives next door and goes to private school. We’re four minutes into this episode. Will something happen already?We meet Mr. Hudson, who’s apparently a one-shot biology teacher in the spirit of the worst Shakespearean actor you ever heard. He’s got a stick up his ass and it continues to go deeper as Zack Morris facilitates note passing between Jessie and Lisa.Mr. Hudson makes Zack Morris read the notes, and there’s the one funny bit of the entire episode where Zack Morris reads the note about not going out with private school boy unless he meets him first. Mr. Hudson signs a detention slip for Zack Morris but does absolutely nothing to Jessie or Lisa even though it’s obvious that, despite the homoerotic jokes I always make about Zack Morris, he has no interest in dating a private school boy. Oh, and Mr. Hudson also does nothing to the extras who are talking in the background in class the entire time because that would involve paying them for lines.Meanwhile, Mr. Belding is trying to get a nerd and Vicki Lawrence to take his niece out. Boy, the nerds on this show just keep getting worse and worse. But even the nerd and Mama Harper won’t touch Mr. Belding’s niece despite not knowing what she looks like, so it’s back to square one.
Mr. Belding is a bit too overjoyed to learn that Zack Morris has received a tenth detention. So overjoyed that he does an impersonation of Roma Downey as he prepares to touch Zack Morris like an angel.
So Mr. Belding is overjoyed because this means Zack Morris gets one week of suspension. Wait, what? I’ve worked in quite a few schools and have never found one that give one week of suspension for a first offense, especially if it’s for relatively minor infractions. Did the writers of this show just never do any research?
Mrs. Belding calls and she’s hella pissed Mr. Belding hasn’t abused his authority enough yet to get Penny a date. So, he immediately abuses his authority and tells Zack Morris he’s suspended unless he takes his niece out on a date Friday.
Now there’s a simple solution to this dilemma. Mr. Belding is obviously abusing his authority. TELL YOUR FREAKING PARENTS! GO TO THE SCHOOL BOARD! SUE THE SCHOOL DISTRICT! GET HIS ASS FIRED! I don’t give a damn about Zack Morris’s possible suspension! Note passing in class cannot possibly compare to a school administrator abusing his authority so grossly! Hell, the school board would probably let him off with a lighter punishment to avoid a law suit! And something tells me his parents would be more pissed at Mr. Belding than they would be at Zack Morris.
But common sense wouldn’t move the plot along, so, of course, Zack Morris agrees to it.
*pounding head against the wall*
Our plot finally comes into full view when Kelly comes up to Zack Morris in the hallway and tells him that she forgot to let him know that The Max wouldn’t let her have a giant party Saturday so she’s having it Friday instead.
There’s another simple solution here. TELL KELLY YOUR PRINCIPAL IS BLACKMAILING YOU AND THAT YOU AGREED BECAUSE YOU DIDN”T KNOW SAID BLACKMAIL WOULD CONFLICT WITH HER PARTY! Sure, it may not be as straightforward or common sensical as just getting Mr. Belding’s ass fired, but it may be the next best thing and she’d be a bitch to chew you out when your principal is fucking blackmailing your ass!
I had to stop banging my head against the wall. The neighbors were complaining.So it’s time for Zack Morris to come up with a scheme to get out of his date with Penny without using the two most obvious solutions to his situation. He does what anyone would do: fake a skateboarding accident. This goes absolutely nowhere because Mr. Belding’s bullshit detector seems to be working today.
In the locker room, Lisa is describing Brett, Jessie’s soon to be blind date, and this, of course, leads into a fantasy sequence where Jessie imagines what her potential date might look like.It’s the “Blind Date Game,” hosted by Zack Morris!And here are Jessie’s potential dates! First, there’s “Teddy Kruger!” And “Mason Voorhees!”And Screech dressed as Richie Rich!They all blow Jessie a kiss at once and suddenly it turns into the 1960s Batman. She doesn’t want to pick between them so she’s forced to date them all. She comes out of her fantasy screaming, “NO!” and tells Lisa that Brett might be a bad ripoff of a horror movie monster so she has to meet him first if she’s going out on a date with him. And Lisa’s all, “Okay!” Seriously, how was that a conflict at all? It sounds like Jessie just didn’t want to ask!
At The Max, Lisa introduces Brett to Jessie but forgot to mention that Brett was a twenty-three year old private school student. Jessie’s wetting herself over Brett. We find out Brett isn’t rich and his parents work to pay his tuition, which makes no sense since he’s a neighbor of Lisa’s, but this little inconsistency is the least of this episode’s problems. Jessie can’t control her hormones any longer and asks Brett to go to the party with her. He says yes, and there’s some disturbing foreplay going on.
After they’re done with their courtship, Brett stands up to leave and we learn…oh god, this is going to be another plot about Jessie’s, “Boo hoo! I’m tall and no guy can find me attractive!” syndrome, isn’t it? Jessie immediately declares to Lisa and Kelly that the date is off because plot demands it.
In the bathroom, Zack Morris tells Screech his plan to have Penny go out with Screech. Since she’s never met Zack Morris, she’ll buy that Screech is him and never be any the wiser, which actually isn’t a bad plan.
After they leave, we find out Slater has been randomly standing up on a toilet because it’s what those crazy kids do nowadays, and he heard the entire thing.In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris is teaching Screech how to do things cool, and they strut around and throw their jackets over their shoulder, leading the audience to totally lose their shit. Oh god! Next thing you know, Zack Morris might even stand in a door frame!Oh, he totally does, and they lose their shit again, once again proving the Saved by the Bell audience is the most easily impressed audience on the face of the planet.
Back at school, a quick ruse between Lisa and Kelly lead Jessie to realize how much of a dumb ass she’s being about the Brett thing, and she decides to date him. HOW IS THIS EVEN A CONFLICT IF THEY’RE GOING TO SOLVE IT THIS EASILY? GRR…
Meanwhile, Screech breaks the news to Kelly that he won’t be able to make her party because of his date. She’s all, “Okay, have fun.” But, after she walks away, Slater convinces Screech that means Kelly will be crushed if he doesn’t come, so he decides to bring Penny to Kelly’s party. And Slater is reaching Scott Erickson level ass-wipery in order to steal Kelly from Zack Morris.
At Kelly’s party, Jessie doesn’t want to dance. So we continue the stupid, “I’m too tall” subplot.
Zack Morris is all, “What the fuck are you doing here?” and Screech is all, “I’m easily manipulated!” Zack Morris tells Screech to get the fuck out of here and Screech is all, “It’s a free country!”We finally wrap up the whole “I’m too tall” subplot with Jessie dancing with Brett while Brett stands on a stair. Two things: one, why is Saved by the Bell recycling its own plots? And two, why is Brett short? When he’s around other characters, it’s obvious he’s average height. Oh, and who the fuck cares if Jessie is tall? Why was that subplot even necessary?Meanwhile, because Slater is willing to hurt Kelly in order to claim her as his property, he convinces Penny that it would mean the world to Kelly if she told Kelly she was having a good time with Zack Morris. Penny does just that. Because Penny is apparently a dumb ass, she does just that, and Kelly’s all, “What you talkin’ ’bout, biatch!” All the extras stop to stare as Penny takes Screech out and back to the Belding’s place for some hot fucking. Kelly demands that Zack Morris tell her what’s going on. He tells her, and her reaction is that it was actually a pretty faithful thing to do to get someone else to date Penny, which I said like ten minutes ago! I mean, if he wasn’t going to get Mr. Belding fired, at least he didn’t actually cheat on Kelly, so Slater’s plan never made any sense!