Everyone in the audience is ecstatic about the upcoming Miss Bayside pageant, including our four main characters who conveniently happen to be in the front row because that’s where it’s easiest for the camera man to shoot them.
Predictably, the only person in the school opposed to the beauty contest is Jessie, whose rantings of, “Girl power! I’m not a piece of meat! Mr. Belding out of my vagina!” continue into the next scene at The Max. Yeah, this is a running theme throughout this episode: Jessie blaming Mr. Belding personally for the beauty contest despite the fact it’s been established this is a statewide competition that Mr. Belding probably has little control over. Whatever, though, because it’s time for conflict! Jessie convinces Kelly to boycott the pageant and form a picket line with her and Kelly’s all, “Let’s make signs with pink and sparkles and glitter!”
Lisa’s all, “Fuck that shit! I want to be objectified!” After the girls leave, it’s time for a pointless bet between Zack Morris and Slater in which they bet $50 on whether Zack Morris can make anyone he backs win the MIss Bayside competition. Slater declares he gets to pick who Zack Morris’s contestant is and, suddenly, Slater picks out the most hideous girl in The Max to enter. Oh, wait, that’s Screech. Yeah, apparently the rules for this pageant are gender neutral because plot. At Screech’s house, Zack Morris tells Screech the plan about how he’s going to be the prettiest girl at Miss Bayside.
Meanwhile, on the picket line, Jessie and Kelly try to get the twins to join them, but the twins are all, “Fuck that shit!” Zack Morris and Screech pass by on their way to Mr. Belding’s office, triggering Jessie’s meddling gene.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding doesn’t want to let Screech enter but Jessie barges in the office and demands that men be allowed to be objectified as much as women. Mr. Belding finally agrees on the condition that Jessie end the picket.
After the commercials, Slater convinces Jessie to enter the beauty pageant in order to show off her inner assets. Then, at The Max, he convinces Kelly to enter the pageant because Jessie completely compromised her contrived and exaggerated values.
In the locker room, the girls are having cat fights, including Kelly throwing a towel at Jessie, which apparently belongs to Jessie. Number one, what was Kelly doing with Jessie’s towel to begin with? Number two, why do they need towels? It’s obvious they haven’t been showering or sweating. Why pretend if the crew can’t be bothered to even wet their hair?
And Lisa is all, “You bitches!” Just when I thought that there was going to be a cat fight, they decide to kiss and make up because they’re up against Screech…which makes no sense since their jealously at each other is not solved.
For some reason, they’re having rehearsals for the talent competition, because it’s completely normal in a competition to show your hand and let your competitors know exactly what you will be doing. Anyway, first off is that whore Jennie Tyler, who sucks ass at tossing batons.
Next is Lisa, who would be good on the violin if it was her actually playing and not a recording. And what is up with the random extras just sitting around on stage behind Lisa. If they want to watch rehearsals, wouldn’t the audience give them a better vantage point?
…and turning into a fake butterfly…
So what is Jessie’s talent? Interpretive dance? Storytelling? Stupidity? Yeah, if you really want to let your inner beauty show through, the talent competition is not the time for your psuedo-ultra feminist bullshit that in no way resembles anything a real feminist would do…
Oh, but what’s this? Oh, more forced conflict as Slater enters the contest playing drums, because Slater apparently keeps a drum set at school just in case he’s ever called on to participate in an impromptu talent show! Oh, it would be dramatic if the ending wasn’t already obvious five minutes into the episode!
And because we couldn’t just let Screech win without any more obviously forced and shoe horned in conflict, Kevin starts a robotic uprising under the pretense of “accidentally” giving Screech a black eye. Oh, no! Whatever will we do!
The obvious answer, of course, is for Zack Morris to go around Bayside and spread bull shit about Slater kicking Screech’s ass because that will make everyone hate Slater and have sympathy for Screech.
So now it’s time for the guys. First up is Slater. Slater gets no applause, presumably because of the rumors going around about him but, if not for the last scene, I would have thought it would be because he’s wearing…gym shorts? Really, has the costume department of this show ever been swimming?
And the answer is apparently no, as Screech comes out dressed in this stylish one piece for men from 1915 and showing off his hot body and rippling man muscles and…oh god, I’m fixing to be sick! Of course, he gets all the applause because plot.
Now it’s time for the finalists, Screech, Lisa, Kelly, and that whore Jennie Tyler, to answer questions. I won’t bore you with the details except to say that Screech declares that the student body should vote for one of the girls to be beauty queen since he couldn’t possibly win at the sate level. Because that’s totally how beauty pageants work: the audience decides the outcome.
Zack Morris is horrified because, for once, things might not work out for him. Jessie thinks Screech has a beautiful soul and wants to have his hideously deformed mutant babies. And Slater…is wearing a very bright tank top.
So now it’s time to decide the winner and…fuck it, I can’t even pretend like this episode could have gone any other way. There was no other way this was going to end. It could have been predicted five minutes into the episode!
Of course, Mr. Belding crowns himself Miss Bayside and steals a kiss with Zack Morris!
No, that would actually make this episode interesting. No, in the only possible outcome, Screech wins, Zack Morris tells Slater about the shit he started about him so that the episode doesn’t end with Zack Morris looking like a complete and total piece of shit, and Mr. Belding serenades Screech down the runway.
You know, for a twenty-three minute episode, not much happened in this episode. Seriously. But stay tuned next week for one of the episodes you guys have been dying to torture me with since I started this blog!
Firsts: The auditorium, Slater playing drums.