Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 8: “Miss Bayside”

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We open with a new set: the auditorium, where Zack Morris, for some reason, is spouting crap from the stage despite the fact he’s in no real position of authority.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h06m01s162

Solidarity, comrades!
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Everyone in the audience is ecstatic about the upcoming Miss Bayside pageant, including our four main characters who conveniently happen to be in the front row because that’s where it’s easiest for the camera man to shoot them.

Predictably, the only person in the school opposed to the beauty contest is Jessie, whose rantings of, “Girl power! I’m not a piece of meat! Mr. Belding out of my vagina!” continue into the next scene at The Max. Yeah, this is a running theme throughout this episode: Jessie blaming Mr. Belding personally for the beauty contest despite the fact it’s been established this is a statewide competition that Mr. Belding probably has little control over. Whatever, though, because it’s time for conflict! Jessie convinces Kelly to boycott the pageant and form a picket line with her and Kelly’s all, “Let’s make signs with pink and sparkles and glitter!”

Lisa’s all, “Fuck that shit! I want to be objectified!” After the girls leave, it’s time for a pointless bet between Zack Morris and Slater in which they bet $50 on whether Zack Morris can make anyone he backs win the MIss Bayside competition. Slater declares he gets to pick who Zack Morris’s contestant is and, suddenly, Slater picks out the most hideous girl in The Max to enter. Oh, wait, that’s Screech. Yeah, apparently the rules for this pageant are gender neutral because plot.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h09m06s215 At Screech’s house, Zack Morris tells Screech the plan about how he’s going to be the prettiest girl at Miss Bayside. vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h09m57s204

Oh, and Kevin is there, but his only purpose is to rehash plot points we just saw in the previous scene and to receive bad touches from Screech.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h10m23s228

Oh, and an intelligent robot has apparently been programmed with bad eye sight. Screech must be the worst robotic engineer in the world.
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Meanwhile, on the picket line, Jessie and Kelly try to get the twins to join them, but the twins are all, “Fuck that shit!” Zack Morris and Screech pass by on their way to Mr. Belding’s office, triggering Jessie’s meddling gene.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding doesn’t want to let Screech enter but Jessie barges in the office and demands that men be allowed to be objectified as much as women. Mr. Belding finally agrees on the condition that Jessie end the picket.

After the commercials, Slater convinces Jessie to enter the beauty pageant in order to show off her inner assets. Then, at The Max, he convinces Kelly to enter the pageant because Jessie completely compromised her contrived and exaggerated values.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h20m37s233

In the locker room, the girls are having cat fights, including Kelly throwing a towel at Jessie, which apparently belongs to Jessie. Number one, what was Kelly doing with Jessie’s towel to begin with? Number two, why do they need towels? It’s obvious they haven’t been showering or sweating. Why pretend if the crew can’t be bothered to even wet their hair?vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h21m16s125

And Lisa is all, “You bitches!” Just when I thought that there was going to be a cat fight, they decide to kiss and make up because they’re up against Screech…which makes no sense since their jealously at each other is not solved.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h22m16s216

For some reason, they’re having rehearsals for the talent competition, because it’s completely normal in a competition to show your hand and let your competitors know exactly what you will be doing. Anyway, first off is that whore Jennie Tyler, who sucks ass at tossing batons.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h22m51s55

Next is Lisa, who would be good on the violin if it was her actually playing and not a recording. And what is up with the random extras just sitting around on stage behind Lisa. If they want to watch rehearsals, wouldn’t the audience give them a better vantage point?

Next is…oh my god…vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h23m40s34

I had heard of this scene before seeing this episode, but I could never have imagined how unbelievably stupid it is. Jessie…curled up in a fake cocoon…vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h23m51s147

…and turning into a fake butterfly…

So what is Jessie’s talent? Interpretive dance? Storytelling? Stupidity? Yeah, if you really want to let your inner beauty show through, the talent competition is not the time for your psuedo-ultra feminist bullshit that in no way resembles anything a real feminist would do…
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Whatever, let’s get this shit over with. Kelly sings like William Hung. 
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And everybody is just so thankful this scene is over that they mistake Screech’s magic act for being good. He’s obviously been tutored by Max.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h26m26s153

Oh, but what’s this? Oh, more forced conflict as Slater enters the contest playing drums, because Slater apparently keeps a drum set at school just in case he’s ever called on to participate in an impromptu talent show! Oh, it would be dramatic if the ending wasn’t already obvious five minutes into the episode!vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h26m52s140

Oh, and it’s another contestant! Albert Einstein wants in on the action and his talent is staring! Oh, never mind, it’s just Screech’s room.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h27m39s119

And because we couldn’t just let Screech win without any more obviously forced and shoe horned in conflict, Kevin starts a robotic uprising under the pretense of “accidentally” giving Screech a black eye. Oh, no! Whatever will we do!

The obvious answer, of course, is for Zack Morris to go around Bayside and spread bull shit about Slater kicking Screech’s ass because that will make everyone hate Slater and have sympathy for Screech.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m00s162

It’s time for the beauty pageant and first up is the swim suit competition, featuring that whore Jennie Tyler.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m14s42

Kelly dons…is that a zipper in the front of her bathing suit? Who he hell designed this shit, Bozo the Clown?vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m37s25

Jessie’s all, “Keep your eyes to yourself you fucking perverts! I swim in a trench coat!” because Jessie enjoys the McGruff the Crime Dog look.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h30m06s53

So now it’s time for the guys. First up is Slater. Slater gets no applause, presumably because of the rumors going around about him but, if not for the last scene,  I would have thought it would be because he’s wearing…gym shorts? Really, has the costume department of this show ever been swimming?

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And the answer is apparently no, as Screech comes out dressed in this stylish one piece for men from 1915 and showing off his hot body and rippling man muscles and…oh god, I’m fixing to be sick! Of course, he gets all the applause because plot.

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Now it’s time for the finalists, Screech, Lisa, Kelly, and that whore Jennie Tyler, to answer questions. I won’t bore you with the details except to say that Screech declares that the student body should vote for one of the girls to be beauty queen since he couldn’t possibly win at the sate level. Because that’s totally how beauty pageants work: the audience decides the outcome.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h33m19s177

Zack Morris is horrified because, for once, things might not work out for him. Jessie thinks Screech has a beautiful soul and wants to have his hideously deformed mutant babies. And Slater…is wearing a very bright tank top.

So now it’s time to decide the winner and…fuck it, I can’t even pretend like this episode could have gone any other way. There was no other way this was going to end. It could have been predicted five minutes into the episode!

Of course, Mr. Belding crowns himself Miss Bayside and steals a kiss with Zack Morris!
vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h34m34s172No, that would actually make this episode interesting. No, in the only possible outcome, Screech wins, Zack Morris tells Slater about the shit he started about him so that the episode doesn’t end with Zack Morris looking like a complete and total piece of shit, and Mr. Belding serenades Screech down the runway.

You know, for a twenty-three minute episode, not much happened in this episode. Seriously. But stay tuned next week for one of the episodes you guys have been dying to torture me with since I started this blog!

Firsts: The auditorium, Slater playing drums.

4 responses to “Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 8: “Miss Bayside”

  1. This is one of the few episodes kid me didn’t like even then.

  2. I have to point out the whore’s name is Jeanie not Jennie… on behalf of all Jennie’s who’s names were mispronounced all thru grade school. Growing up this was one of my favorite episodes. I still remember all the words to the Miss Bayside song Belding sings to Screech.. and very much looking forward to next week… I’m so excited, I’m so Excited, I’m so scared 😉

  3. I remember never seeing this episode until it was a syndicated rerun. This wasn’t the only beauty pageant. They had another at the seaside resort. Jesse wore a hideous Statue of Liberty costume in it.

  4. Was Screech the first openly-gay characters in a kid’s show? He sure as hell seemed extremely gay in this episode!

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