We open at The Max, where Zack Morris wants to be rich again and thinks that, because he has big ideas, he can do it. Zack Morris is reading a magazine conveniently titled Making Money where he gets the idea to open up his own 900 number and make a fortune. Unfortunately, he has no idea what to offer for a service for his 900 number, so his plan currently looks similar to the underwear gnomes from South Park:
- Step 1: Open a 900 number.
- Step 2: …
- Step 3: Profit!
Lisa, Jessie, and Slater come in as Jessie is reading “Dear Donna,” a relationship advice columnist. Turns out that Lisa always gives the same relationship advice as “Dear Donna,” which causes a light bulb to magically appear above Zack Morris’s head Looney Tunes style.
Yes, his idea to create “The Lisa Line,” a relationship advice service, but he only tells us this in monologue rather than telling Lisa, who’s sitting right there, because we need to draw this out a little longer.
Kelly and her little sister Nicki, whom we’ll never see again after this episode, come in The Max. Make sure to welcome Kelly back from the shortest month in Paris on record! And Zack Morris…is flirting incessantly with his girlfriend’s thirteen year old sister. They’ve become friends over Zack Morris teaching Nicki how to pitch a baseball, a skill he’s never had before but it was convenient this time, but we get a dream sequence from Nicki’s head to show us she wants more.
And look, it’s a Cinderella rip-off, with Nicki as Cinderella…
And Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly as the evil step-sisters, with The Max as their home because the producers didn’t want to spring for the Kapowski home set for a dream sequence. What follows is the reason it took so long for white rappers to be taken seriously. No, it wasn’t Vanilla Ice hat was the root cause of it. It was this episode.
Dear freaking god. If this isn’t a relic of white people trying to imitate the hip-hop community in the early ’90s, I don’t know what is. This is painful to watch as D.J. Zacky Zack and the Preppies here rap the Cinderella story at us.
But it will fit Nicki. And they live happily ever after in the magical land of cultural misappropriation!
At Zack Morris’s room, he’s gotten Screech in on the plan for no particular reason and decides they’re going to be rich off this line if they operate it for five hours a day at $2 a minute. Uh, no. 900 numbers don’t work like that. The reason they made money was because people could call anytime day or night. Therefore, the number could afford to advertise late at night when the rates were cheaper. But this is Saved by the Bell so they’ll probably be richer than Bill Gates by the time this is over.
They also rip off the dance of joy from Perfect Strangers.
Lisa walks in and they finally tell her the plan. She demands half the profits, which is quite reasonable, but Zack Morris tells her she can’t tell anyone their secret identity and she can’t give free advice anymore. So what does she do if one of her friends is genuinely in trouble? “Sorry, I can’t give you advice, but you can call this line that I’m not a part of and get your advice there!”
Isn’t it great that Bayside High just lets any student advertise their 900 number at school? Isn’t it even better that the advertising doesn’t give the number to call so there should be no way for anyone to know how to reach this Teen Line?
So the predictable subplot with Jessie and Slater is that Jessie is hella pissed because she has a good time at the prom with Slater eleven weeks ago but he hasn’t asked her back out and she doesn’t want it to be a one night stand. Slater’s all, “You’re this ultra-feminist who always insists on doing everything yourself so why didn’t you ask me out?” Jessie’s all, “I’m going against my characterization because it creates more conflict that way!” So Slater asks Jessie out and she walks away saying, “Maybe!” What the hell was that all about?
So we get to the teen line, which is three phones in Zack Morris’s bedroom with only Lisa, Screech, and he answering. Yeah, this would really make someone rich outside the Saved by the Bell universe. Oh, and Zack Morris is answering the phone with a bad Australian accent and the name “Nitro.” To our readers down under, I apologize grossly for this misrepresentation of your fine nation. Here’s hoping Zack Morris gets kicked in the face by a kangaroo.
Nitro’s first customer is Moose, who’s holding a football to let us know he’s a dumb jock since we’ve never seen him before. He likes a girl but she is perceptive and doesn’t like him because she’s well aware he’s a fucking dumb ass. Lisa’s advice: write a poem, because poems solve everything!
Next is Jessie, who doesn’t know whether she should go out with Slater despite the fact that she already did eleven weeks ago. Lisa tells her to just fucking do it for Christ’s sake and quit dragging out this fake conflict!
The phones start ringing off the hook as Zack Morris gets Nicki on the phone. Nicki says she really likes this guy who’s dating someone she’s close to and wants to know what she should do. Zack Morris is a complete moron and can’t see the obvious in front of his nose so he tells her to go for it since Lisa is busy fighting about shopping on the other line.
At Bayside, Nicki is there…
So Nicki is thirteen, which puts her in seventh or eighth grade. This begs the question WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING IN A HIGH SCHOOL? Can anyone just walk in this school at anytime who wants to? We saw the creepy photographer do it last week and now an obsessed pubescent.
As he’s about to change into Teen Wolf, Zack Morris realizes his advice was really bad Nicki is demanding a kiss as Kelly comes down the stairs and, instead of straightening this all out like a normal person, Zack Morris sticks Nicki in his locker as Kelly tells him about Nicki having a crush and thinking it’s super great they have sex to bond over now! When Kelly walks away, Zack Morris lets Nicki out of his locker and gives her a sexy peck kiss on the cheek to get her to fuck the fucking fuck off, but Jessie witnesses the whole thing and reaches the obvious conclusion that Zack Morris is dating a thirteen year old.
Back at Teen Line HQ, the phones aren’t ringing because Lisa solved everyone at Bayside’s problems because a 900 number can only be called by people from one specific place of course. Zack Morris reaches the conclusion that he needs to give bad advice to keep people calling so he fires Lisa.
Zack Morris’s first customer is Slater and he tells Slater to get rid of the nuts girl who said, “Maybe.”
At The Max, Kelly thinks it’s preposterous when Jessie tells her that Zack Morris is dating Nicki. Slater comes in and breaks off his date with Jessie, which causes her to get so upset that she runs a marathon out the door and down the street.
Meanwhile, Louise shows Zack Morris and Screech Moose’s love poem, “The birds and the bees don’t compare to your knees, Louise.” Yeah, that’s romantic shit right there. Zack Morris and Screech lead her to believe it was plagiarized, which causes Louise to go fucking nuts and squirt ketchup on Moose because conflict.
At Teen Line HQ, Kelly calls in thinking that Zack Morris is dating NIcki and, rather than do the obvious thing and tell her the truth, Zack Morris decides to prolong the conflict because the writers really fucking like conflict in this episode.
Nicki calls in on a third phone and Zack Morris tells Lisa she wins, who tells him the obvious: tell Kelly the truth and let Nicki down easily. And he goes to do that, only he tells Nicki the truth and lets Kelly down easily because he mixes up the phones.
Hi, crazy ass art teacher who has nothing to do with the plots of this episode!
Yeah, everyone’s pissed at everyone else so we rip off a plot from Good Morning, Miss Bliss and have a random silly string fight as Mr. Belding comes in because…apparently everyone in class just happened to have silly string!
Mr. Belding drags the entire class in his office rather than…investigating right there in the class and, despite the fact that it was crazy ass art teacher who started the silly string fight, he’s blaming it on the students and finds out they all got bad advice from the Teen Line. Mr. Belding puts on his thinking cap and deduces it was Zack Morris and Screech behind the line even though the only evidence is that they’re the only ones who didn’t call it. Yeah, that’s solid beyond reasonable doubt stuff right there. Let’s get Mr. Belding in the criminal justice system! Mr. Belding gives Zack Morris and Screech an ultimatum to make the school happy again or there will be spankings all around.
Make Nicki think that Zack Morris is as big an idiot as Screech, who is tossing popcorn in the air and catching it in his mouth.
Zack Morris is dressed…actually, he is dressed like Screech. I can totally see Screech wearing this outfit. Maybe they swapped clothes in Screech’s bedroom as they admired their duple teenage bodies. Zack Morris is trying to scare Nicki away with spiders and worms and other stuff all women hate because all women on Earth have the same phobias, but it backfires and Nicki wants to take Zack Morris to the “insect rodeo,” which I can imagine is ants in cowboy hats riding grasshoppers and roping centipedes.
Zack Morris goes to the last resort, the truth, since we only have about a minute left in the episode. Nicki says he’s a fucking idiot that he was too scared to tell a thirteen year old that he didn’t like her and that makes him hella lame. Nicki runs out as Dolly Parton walks up and flirts with Zack Morris. Since Kelly is completely co-dependent on Zack Morris at this point, she overlooks the fact he has a chronic aversion to just telling he truth in the first place and avoiding this whole damn thing. Zack Morris pretends that he doesn’t know it’s her and says he can’t, but he tells us, the viewer, in monologue, just in case you’re just tuning in as the show closes.