We’re back at Bayside this week and the writers waste no time in getting right to the plot of this episode. We find out within about a minute that the gang is excited about the upcoming hiking trip. Whoa, plot! I know I’ve criticized you for meandering along and not getting to the point, but this is ridiculous! Oh, and to bring the usual unrealistic portrayal of school life this franchise is used to, the hiking trip gets them out of school for…get this…six days! I’m pretty sure the school board and the California Department of Education would have something to say about a six day field trip in the middle of the school year.
So I’ve been looking for an example of the substandard humor this show is providing so far this season and here’s one for you. Screech is doing the announcements. “Good Morning, Bayside! This is Administrative Assistant Screech Powers reminding all those going on the Big Bear hiking trip to have your permission slips in the principal’s office by 3:00, ’cause no slip, no trip!” And, seriously, the audience loses their shit over that line because rhyming in itself is one of the great forms of comedy. Just ask poets and children’s books writers. The only funny poem here would be:
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The New Class sucks ass,
And Screech Powers, too!”
So Rachel is completely clueless about hiking and is planning on bringing her lovely sundresses along to seduce Brian into her tent at night. And, yes, Rachel’s cluelessness is a running gag I probably won’t be mentioning again. I guess she did get something from Vicki.
Meanwhile, in our other plot, Megan is in charge of the school blood drive because the Red Cross totally doesn’t have people to do that for them. Milton and Woodrow made the sign for her but are such idiots they manage to tear the banner in half trying to wonder in opposite directions.
After Megan, Lindsay, and Rachel go off to work on setting up the blood drive because, once again, the Red Cross apparently doesn’t have people to do that for them, the boys wonder who’s going to chaperon the hiking trip, because it’s common practice to not decide on the chaperon for a school trip until the very last minute. And who else would it be except Mr. Belding! And, after some ignorant non-humorous humor about the “Swiss language,” Mr. Belding takes the boys off to the blood drive. That was some fast set-up. For the record, the Swiss speak French, Italian, German, and Romansh. There’s no fucking such thing as the Swiss language!
And meet Nurse Penny Brady, the nurse conducting the blood drive. She’s here to give a required speech to our regulars and extras about why donating blood is so important. She doesn’t seem to care that no one in the room is eighteen and legally able to consent to giving blood but who cares about silly little things like realism.
I say no one is of age, but meet Angelo Spinelli who, by the looks of him, has been held back quite a few years, around ten years to be exact. He doesn’t want to give blood because he’ll be late for his Hell’s Angels meeting since riding a motorcycle is the one characteristic he’s given in this episode.
In fact, no one wants to give blood, so Mr. Belding volunteers. So, since I’ve actually never given blood, I reasearched what the mini-physical process actually involves on the Red Cross’s web site. Let’s see how realistic The New Class portrays this process.
1. You will answer some questions during a private and confidential interview about your health history and the places you have traveled.
Not a good sign when we can’t even get that right. I hardly think Mr. Belding being questioned in front of a group of his students is confidential. This was the easy one to get right and they couldn’t even do that.
2. You will have your temperature, hemoglobin, blood pressure and pulse checked.
They start off accurate by taking a sample of Mr. Belding’s blood, but the realism stops there. Yes, as you can see in the picture above, they weigh Mr. Belding, which has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to give blood. On top of this, Megan looks through a magic microscope and diagnoses Mr. Belding as having high cholesterol, which also has absolutely nothing to do with fitness to give blood. Based on the diagnosis of a blood drive nurse and a tenth grade student, Mr. Belding has health problems and needs to go on a strict exercise and diet regimen.
BULL FUCKING SHIT!
Only a medical doctor can make these sorts of calls based on a thorough physical, examination of eating habits, and laboratory tests that involve eight to twelve hours of fasting before hand! The blood test in the mini-physical is to make sure you’re not fucking anemic! This is all medical malpractice waiting to happen!
God, this stupid, stupid show!
So Screech comes in the middle of it and, because Nurse Brady has a vagina, he instantly starts falling in love. So, to avoid having to stop to comment every few minutes throughout the episode about Screech’s dumb ass looks, I present a new feature, one that I have a feeling will, unfortunately, become a new feature in The New Class reviews.
Ladies, and gentlemen, I give you: The Many Creepy Looks of Screech Powers. Yes, these are all faces Screech gives Nurse Brady throughout the episode.
So, for whatever reason, Mr. Belding is allowing Screech to supervise his diet and exercise routine prescribed by a blood drive nurse and a tenth grade student. This involves eating sprouts and running on a treadmill, something he couldn’t possibly do on his own. Nurse Brady comes in and she’s disturbed to find out Mr. Belding is going mountain hiking.
He accidentally sprays Angelo, who, because he’s a soft and cuddly Hell’s Angel and doesn’t want to be charged with child abuse, gives Bobby a noogie.
Rachel is whining about sleeping outside because the writers are trying desperately to graft all of Lisa’s characteristics onto her.
Mr. Belding comes in and tells the students that he’s not able to go on the hiking trip because of his physical condition. So…let me get this straight…Mr. Belding being overweight means he can’t engage in an activity that will mean he gets lots of exercise…
You know, of all the contrivances this franchise has thrown at me, this one may well be one of the worst. It may not be one of the most ridiculous or the most outlandish, but it’s just downright ignorant, which means the Mr. Belding is fat subplot exists only to give a reason for conflict in the other subplots.
So the replacement chaperon is…Mrs. Steele. So..Mr. Belding is too fat to go hiking so the replacement is…an overweight woman? HOW DOES THIS FUCKING MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER!!!! I think this episode is actually making me stupider for watching it!
Anyway, yeah, the kids don’t like Mrs. Steele because she has a dried up vagina and doesn’t want to see any of the kids exhibiting relations with the opposite sex so she sticks them all in same sex groupings so that they can only act on their latent homosexual desires. We also find out she doesn’t like bees and is fucking pissed that Rachel is wearing perfume which may attract bees despite the fact they’re not leaving on the trip right now so it doesn’t really matter
In the other plot, Screech is trying to give blood to impress Nurse Brady and he passes out at the sight of blood. Haha, very funny, Next scene.
Actually, on second thought, Screech passing out could be funny, especially if it gave him a concussion.
Yeah, Bobby comes in as a very unconvincing employee for the “Department of Agriculture, bees division” and that the killer bees have invaded Big Bear Mountain. Yeah, the Department of Agriculture is not in charge of wildlife since…I don’t know…animals aren’t agriculture! I get that Google and Wikipedia weren’t around in the mid-90s, but there was still these little things called encyclopedias that can do a world of good when it comes to fucking research!
But in the Saved by the Bell universe, all adults are fucking morons so Mrs. Steele completely buys it and quits as chaperon. Mr. Belding happens to be doing running jumping jacks down the hall just as this happens and the gang conveniently convince him to appoint Screech as the chaperon since it will get Screech the fuck away from Mr. Belding.
At The Max, Megan says Nurse Brady is depressed because it’s her first blood drive and no one has given blood. She then immediately contradicts herself by saying Lindsay gave blood, and we already know they turned down a perfectly good candidate in Mr. Belding. Everyone has excuses such as Rachel’s brilliant, “I was having a bad hair day,” and Tommy D’s desire to go riding on Angelo’s motorcycle because endangering a minor is cool.
Screech comes in and the remaining gang tell him he’s fucking going hiking with them so get a fucking move on. Screech says he can’t go hiking because he’s heartbroken over Nurse Brady rejecting him even though she hasn’t yet. Brian assures him that if he asks Nurse Brady out, she’ll say yes.
In the next scene, Brian convinces Nurse Brady that, if she goes out with Screech, he’ll get donors for her. I think I’d rather quit my job.
The girls flirt with Bobby in order to convince a couple extras that giving blood is hella sexy and will get you lots of hot butt sex.
And Milton and Woodrow are convinced to give blood because…they’re smart and intelligence is apparently passed on through blood in this weird, fucked up universe.
The whole school is lined up to give blood and I think his may be the most students we’ve ever seen at Bayside at one time. Tommy D and Bobby drag Screech in, Nurse Brady agrees to go out with him, and he promptly faints into Bobby’s arms because he’d rather have Bobby.
And the gang is all there, doing their best impersonation of being subtle in trying to see how the date goes.
So Screech is a complete fuck up on the date. He causes Nurse Brady to fall on her ass, took Nurse Brady to see a fake Ernest movie, Ernest Goes Skiing, and pours water all over Nurse Brady. In a rare moment of insight, Screech realizes he’s a fuck up and tells Nurse Brady he just gets so nervous he doesn’t know how to act around her. This reverses everything else he’s done the whole evening and she suddenly loves him, believing this to be the genuine Screech. Uh, sorry to break the news to you, but six previous years of seeing Screech fuck up has taught us that the fuck up is the genuine Screech.
Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding is running around in circles with Screech because this is effective exercise. Nurse Brady comes in to give Mr. Belding his follow up exam because that’s something else blood donor nurses totally do.
Screech goes to get lunch for Mr. Belding from the cafeteria and Nurse Brady tells Mr. Belding the entire story of them going out. Screech just happens to come back at the part where the gang bribed her to go out with Screech and Screech is suddenly stricken with the realization that women still find him repulsive.
I know I said the Mr. Belding not going on the trip thing was contrived but now we get even worse contrivance. With a minute and a half left in the episode, Tommy D and Megan rush in to tell Mr. Belding that Angelo has been in a motorcycle accident, is at the hospital and needs a blood transfusion. His blood type just happens to be O negative and Screech just happens to be the only other person at Bayside with O negative blood. My god, if it was any more contrived it might blow up from the sheer stupidity! Really, first of all they want us to give a damn about a minor character we’ve seen for three scenes who’s never been on the show before and they want us to give a damn in a minute and a half. It would have been a hell of a lot more effective to make this a two-parter and have it be Tommy D or even Mr. Belding in the accident. Then we might actually give a damn. But I forget The New Class writers all got their writing credentials with four proofs of purchase from specially marked boxes of Rice Krispies.
So the gang, Nurse Brady, and Mr. Belding all look around for Screech and can’t find them. He suddenly shows up at the blood drive because he wants to help Angelo, presumably because Angelo is a father and the kids shouldn’t lose their father at a young age. Nurse Brady uses Screech having blood taken as an excuse to tell Screech how she really feels since Screech isn’t passing out at the sight of blood this time. The gang apologize, Screech agrees to go on the trip, and he and Nurse Brady kiss.
And is it just me or is she kissing his cheek when she’s supposed to be kissing his mouth. Is she just as repulsed as the rest of us?
And we end with Mrs. Steele taking over as Mr. Belding’s new personal trainer because…I haven’t a fucking clue. I guess we’re left to assume Angelo died of his injuries, though, since we never see him on the show again. He was at Bayside long enough that I hope they decide to give him an honorary high school diploma!