We open with Zack Morris walking down the hallway pretending like he’s friends with someone other than the five other regulars. That’s so cute how they pretend the background characters matter.
His opening monologue tells us that the annual costume ball that was not mentioned at all the past two years and will never be mentioned again is being held this Friday. It’s also a costume ball where they crown a king and queen, so Zack Morris naturally has decided that, since he’s the only character on the show that truly matters, he and Kelly will win for sure.
Kelly is all, “This is one of the episodes where my being poor is going to be remembered because I can’t afford a costume and need to get a job.” Lisa suggests she get a job at The Max, and Kelly’s all bummed because that means she won’t be able to be a part of the band the writers suddenly decided the gang has. I guess their time in the glee club really paid off!
In the absence of Max, The Max’s new manager is Jeff Hunter. Let’s meet Jeff Hunter.
You might remember Mr. Hunter as the original captain on Star Trek before William Shatner was hired. It seems after Mr. Hunter turned down Star Trek for a string of bad movies, he ended up not being able to get any other job but working for a shitty restaurant where no one ever eats the food.
Oh, wait, what’s that you say? Jeff Hunter is this guy in the red shirt? Oh, must be a different Jeff Hunter. This Jeff Hunter is just some college-aged douche who wants to fuck Kelly.
Jeff doesn’t want to hire Kelly at first because she has no experience waiting since waiting is a job where you need lots of experience. Since Jeff can’t get a college girl at UCLA, he decides to hire Kelly on probationary status in the hopes he can get in her pants.
In Mr. Belding’s office, we’re having lots of stupid planning and smack talking about the costume ball. I’m more distracted, though, because I just noticed the picture on the wall behind Mr. Belding of what appears to be elementary aged kids in Speedos. I would like the explanation of why he has this on his wall…
Back at The Max, these two horrible cliches of 1950s era juvenile delinquents are being assholes to Kelly. Seriously, did the writers have no idea what kids in the early 90s were like? Jeff tells them to go fuck themselves because he’s trying to get into Kelly’s pants. Besides, no one eats the food here anyway.
At Kelly’s house, Zack Morris comes in with a bad hat on that’s supposed to be Romeo’s hat. Yeah, he wants them to dress up as Romeo and Juliet. Does that mean they’re going to kill themselves at the end when Mr. Belding and Jeff forbid them from seeing each other? Yeah, Kelly doesn’t want to ask for time off since she just got the job and Zack Morris is bummed out that he might not get any poon. What does he care? Isn’t he going to be playing in a band anyway? How can he play in the band and get it on with Kelly?
Speaking of the band, I told you everything is all about Zack Morris! The band, Zack Attack, is even named after him despite the fact Jessie does most of the singing! Am I the only one who pictures “Zack Attack” as a bad Pac-Man rip-off?
But, uh oh! Zack Morris is all depressed and down because Kelly’s not following his every whim so he suddenly can’t play guitar or sing. Slater convinces Zack Morris to ask for Kelly’s night off for her, which is a terrible idea given what happened in yesterday’s Roar Comic, but Zack Morris thinks it’s a great idea because he’s a moron.
So he goes to The Max to meet Jeff. Zack Morris tells Jeff a load of bullshit about Kelly that Jeff already knows is fake. Jeff gives Kelly the night off anyway because…Zack Morris gets everything he wants? I don’t know, just go with it. We also find out Kelly has six brothers and sisters. We’ve met three of them already. I wonder if we’ll meet the other half.
At Kelly’s house, Kelly can’t stop talking about Jeff. Kelly’s all, “I still love Zack Morris but Jeff is a hot older predator who might potentially engage in statutory rape with me.” Jessie and Kelly are all, “Girl, you in denial!”
The next day, Kelly is being distant. Zack Morris, being completely clueless, doesn’t notice she’s doing her damndest to show conflicting emotions. Jessie and Lisa look knowingly at one another like, “Kelly’s going to be a statutory rape statistic real soon!”
Back at Zack Attack headquarters, Zack Morris is all, “Hey, Kelly was distant!” Then, because the plot demands it, Zack Morris suddenly assumes that she’s got a thing going with Jeff. Talk about contrived.
The band gets to take a break because there’s lots of things to do at a dance without the band playing. Kelly is still distant and talking about food while Zack Morris talks about music. Yeah, go with it.
Of course it’s Zack Morris and Kelly. Kelly accidentally call Zack Morris Jeff and he’s all, “Biatch, we gots to talk about yo cheatin’ ass right now because that could not possibly have just been a slip of the tounge!” They go outside to talk.
Meanwhile, Slater takes Zack Morris’s spot on Zack Attack for the last dance. It’s a good thing they happened to have a spare drummer waiting in the wings for one of the gang to disappear. The producers spared no expense in this episode and actually splurged for the rights to a Michael Bolton song. Yes, Slater and Jessie singing a duet to “How am I Supposed to Live Without You.” They’re rocking alright. Almost as much as Justin Bieber is a rock star. This is apparently supposed to be a romantic last song despite the fact it’s all about a girl leaving for another guy. In twenty years, there are some kids who will remember this is the song they had their first kiss to.
Oh, look! They kept the picnic table scene from “The Prom!” How middle school ironic that they’re going to break up in the same place they started dating! Kelly tells Zack Morris the truth about Jeff and is all, “I like you but I don’t like you and I like Jeff but I don’t like Jeff and I’m going to break up with you because you need the opportunity to date Leah Remini when we go to Malibu Sands!” Zack Morris seems surprisingly okay with it. Maybe he’s so sociopathic he never loved Kelly to begin with since she’s just his prized trophy. After all, he still has that cardboard cutout of Kelly he can molest. He’s even okay with them just being friends! And another episode wrapped up in less than twenty minutes with a tight little bow…Uh oh! It’s a two-parter! I guess the writers decided that this classic romance needed two episodes to break apart. I’m sure we’ll get the conclusion next week and not an episode completely irrelevant to this one, right?
Firsts: Jeff Hunter, Zack Morris and Kelly break up, Kelly works at The Max, the plot isn’t resolved in a half hour (To Be Continued).