I am so glad the country club episodes are over. See, this would normally be the week I had to review another of those abominations! But they’re over now and I can get back to reviewing The New Class episodes that are just horrible. So, I wonder what’s up for me this week. Let’s check IMDB.
Mr. Belding treats the gang to a week-long trip to Gold Canyon Ranch, a dude ranch owned by Screech’s Uncle Lester and his bullying son Clint.
Excuse me for a moment…
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why? Why must this dumb show do this, especially so soon after the country club episodes?!?! WHY DO THEY INSIST ON MORE LOCATION EPISODES!!! Why I ask you! Why!?!?
Thank you. That feels a lot better to have that out of my system.
Yes, my friends, we’re at Gold Canyon Ranch, and a voice over featuring Screech doing one of the worst impersonations of a western accent I’ve ever heard informs us that the gang worked so hard that Mr. Belding decided to treat them somewhere special. Since people might finally realize how often Mr. Belding crosses boundaries with his students if he took them to a porno theater or a nudie bar, he decided to go with Screech’s idea of visiting his Uncle Lester’s dude ranch because the writers figured why the hell not.
Meet Uncle Lester, who will probably never be seen or mentioned again after these episodes. We establish that Screech hasn’t been here since he was a kid and also that he has almost as good a taste in western clothing as 1955 Doc Brown in Back to the Future Part III.
We quickly go through some unfunny running gags, like Rachel believing that “roughing it” means bringing five bags. Why would you have to rough it on a dude ranch? Ranchers aren’t survivalists. I think the writers of The New Class have camping and visiting a dude ranch confused. No worry, though, because Mr. Belding is quick to give Rachel a bad touch. Also, Tommy D is an idiot and wants horses to be more like cars because…it’s supposed to be funny?
Suddenly someone does something that should have been done long ago: tie Screech up. Unfortunately, he soon lets him go. He would have been my favorite character of the franchise had he kept Screech tied up throughout the episode. Yes, this is Cousin Clint, who has bullied Screech since he was a kid because it’s so easy to do. Apparently bullying Screech involves calling him a skinny little runt. That’s bullying? I guess this entire blog is bullying activity then.
It’s time for Clint to teach the gang how to mount a horse, and Screech is the only one not keen to try since he’s never mounted anything in his life. Of course, Clint picks Screech, and this is another instance of Clint’s “bullying” since Screech is such a dumb ass he can’t figure out how to get on a horse.
Oh, wait, the writers already blew their animal budget on the horses so they have bobby rope a wooden crate with a bull’s head on it. It’s hard to tell if Bobby realizes this isn’t a real steer since he seems so proud of being able to rope something that can’t fight back.
Screech apparently can’t even serve food right because he dumps grits all over his shirt. Of course, Clint is a bully because he laughs at it, but I guess the audience are all bullies too since they think it’s funny as well. See these holes you’re digging yourself into, The New Class? You just painted your entire audience as horrible people, which they probably are but that’s beside the point!
Megan asks Uncle Lester if there is real gold in Gold Canyon and Uncle Lester tells them there used to be but that the mines have been closed for a long time. Uncle Lester also tells them that it’s dangerous and there were booby traps set to keep people out. Mr. Belding tells the gang to stay away from the canyon and then tells them that he and Uncle Lester are going to go to town so that the rest of the plot can commence.
The minute Mr. Belding is out of earshot, the gang begs Clint to take them into the canyon. Clint is all, “I’m cool so I guess it’ll be okay if I go even though I’m technically half the adult supervision here but 75% since the other half has an IQ lower than my hat.” Screech wants to go with them and supervise but Clint is all, “You’re too much of an idiot and would just fall off your horse,” which is true but, once again, this is The New Class and that’s more evil bullying. As the gang all leave, Screech suddenly reveals he can play basic songs on the harmonica since harmonica are all western and stuff.
The gang dismount to start looking for gold and Clint gives Tommy D the job of tying up the horses. Mistake number one: trusting Tommy D with anything. Tommy D’s horse is named Fluffy. The problem here is Fluffy is instantly more likable than any of the regular characters on this show and probably gets paid more.
I shit you not: the next scene features the gang just randomly digging in various spots around the area. They went searching for gold with no idea of where to find it. This is beyond idiotic, especially after Uncle Lester warned them how dangerous the area was! Clint tells them the only thing he’s ever heard is that the gold can be found under the big kiss, so Brian kisses Rachel and tells the gang to dig there because gold just magically appears like that.
This is enough for the horses to all declare that this entire show is stupid as fuck and get the hell out of there. Since Tommy D’s idea of tying up the horses is tying them all together, it’s easy for them to get the hell out. Clint rides back to the ranch to get help, hoping that the gang will be eaten by the coyotes we conveniently hear howling as soon as he warns them about wild animals.
As the gang wait for Clint to get back, they decide the best thing to do is remain stationary so that the falcon and mountain lion they hear can more easily find them. Brian declares he’ll protect them with his Swiss Army Knife because…he’s Swiss…and Lindsay wonders aloud if Clint is dead yet.
Well, not quite yet but Clint’s horse decides the rest of the horses had the right idea. It bucks Clint off its back and runs away, leaving Clint with…a sprained ankle? I don’t know. I would have thought he was more likely to get a back or a head injury. After all, I watched the last episode of Full House.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Screech is being helpful by randomly cutting bark off a stick for no reason because…that seems western? He falls asleep in the middle and, I kid you not, we have a fucking five minute dream sequence. It’s now eleven minutes into the episode. That means most of the second half is this stupid dream sequence that has no bearing on anything. Sigh. Let’s take a look at it.
Surprise, surprise. Clint is the villain, a rogue cowboy who enjoys seeing underage kids shot in the penis. Bobby declares there’s only one man who can stand up to Clint, the “Harmonica Kid.” Gee, I wonder who that’s going to be.
Oh, and Mr. Belding is a drunk hillbilly who, for some reason, lives with Screech. Is this The New Class’s version of Brokeback Mountain?
Brian and Megan, who’s the school teacher in this universe, come to beg Screech to take care of Clint. For once, I’m glad the Saved by the Bell universe isn’t historically accurate. Given their track record for racial sensitivity, I almost expected Megan to come out with chains on.
They had nothing else to do with Rachel in this dream sequence so she’s selling anachronistic souvenirs because…anachronism is automatically funny?
It’s time for the fight.
And we see Clint is possessed by the devil. So I bet you have no idea how this gun fight is going to end. I bet you can’t possibly guess. Why, I guess I’ll tell you since it’s so hard to figure out.
Screech shoots the gun out of Clint’s hand and Clint runs away. My god, The New Class does know how to do crazy unpredictable plot twists, don’t they.
You see, Screech gets kissed by not one…
Screech wakes up to discover he’s actually making out with Fluffy. Oh, Fluffy, you can do so much better! Screech quickly deduces that if Fluffy is there, he’s not with Tommy D, and decides that something is wrong since they couldn’t possibly have come back while he was asleep. He decides it’s time for Super Screech to jump into action!
Meanwhile, the gang unfortunately still haven’t been eaten by the mountain lion yet and, since they haven’t eaten in three hours, they decide it’s time to go foraging for food lest their privileged asses have to *gasp* miss a meal! Oh no! Tommy D and Bobby find a group of conveniently stacked rocks that, if you squint, look like they’re kissing, and they decide that’s where the gold is.
Tommy D suddenly falls into a booby trap that looks well constructed for a single miner from the nineteenth century. The rest of the gang took their Screech pills today and don’t notice that Tommy D fell in so, one after another, they each individually fall into the pit as they run towards the rocks. Seriously, Brian had five opportunities to realize something was wrong and he still falls in.
Screech rides up at that moment on…a bicycle. He believed the gang was in trouble and his solution was to ride in on a bicycle. God, does this episode not run out of stupid things to do? Of course it doesn’t, because Screech decides the best thing to do is put the rattle snake to sleep with his harmonica. Clint is all, “That’s an idiotic idea that’s going to get us killed,” but Screech swears he knows what to do because…plot.
Th rattle snake is all, “This entire episode is fucking bull shit!” and goes to sleep so that maybe the cameras will stop focusing on him. Clint feels sorry for being a mild jerk to Screech. They kiss and make up and ride off to help the gang.
Screech and Clint quickly find the gang and use a conveniently placed rope that no one else noticed was there before to help the gang out of the trap.Luckily Mr. Belding and Uncle Lester just happen to find the exact spot they’re in at that very moment since Screech didn’t think about how he was going to get them all back to the ranch. Uncle Lester’s all, “You’re all idiots! There’s no gold here.” Screech is everyone’s hero because he can ride a bicycle and charm rattle snakes and our episode ends with Screech having a puffed up ego.
I know I said I couldn’t imagine there would be anything worse than the Palisades Hills Country Club episodes and I figured The New Class would eventually prove me wrong, but I didn’t think they would prove me wrong in just two episodes…
Firsts: Gold Canyon Ranch.