We open with Zack Morris skipping off to the kitchen to make a Stacey Cream Pie. Zack Morris hopes this will mean that he’ll finally be rid of his cursed virginity but Stacey just wants to feed him cheese, meat, and butter instead. Oh, and Zack Morris can’t tell Stacey he loves her after dating exactly one episode. They kiss, though, which makes the audience loose their shit.
Cut to the…refreshment stand? I don’t know. Wherever this is, it’s weird they’re getting ready to have an employee meeting here with the only seven employees who matter enough to have speaking roles. Also, Zack Morris and Slater are conveniently not wearing shirts because the producers want all the little girls and gay boys who watch this show to have funny feelings in their downstairs area. Seriously, Slater can be rationalized since he’s a lifeguard but Zack Morris is just randomly not wearing a shirt for no good reason. I guess this is when the producers realized that lust was making the viewers come back.
Mr. Carosi, meanwhile, is having a mid-life crisis and decided to ride an ATV to work pretending to be Evil Knievel. The club is having a charity ATV race next week where members sponsor people to race. Mr. Carosi is upset that he doesn’t know how to drive an ATV correctly and crashes into a fence that jumped out of nowhere. Slater tries to show off by pointing out everything that’s wrong with the ATV but Mr. Carosi slaps him with a glove and tells him to put a shirt on, hippie!
After Mr. Carosi and the girls leave, Slater reverts to kindergarten mode and makes kissie faces about Zack Morris and Stacey.
Meanwhile, Zack Morris’s arm pit hair, disturbed that it’s being exposed so much to the sun, tries to make a break for it. Seriously, guys, there’s nothing gay about trimming your body hair before it turns into Cousin It and tries to suffocate you in your sleep. Trust me when I say, that’s a horror movie you don’t want to come true.
Kelly becomes the first person to be sponsored in the ATV race after she brings some neglectful couple their daughter back before she drowned in the ocean and became a Lifetime movie. The couple is so happy they immediately agree to sponsor Kelly to thank her for not allowing their inattention to become known to the world.
Screech, meanwhile, is apparently stalking Kelly’s every move because he’s conveniently standing there listening to the interaction with bad parents of the month. This gives him an idea, which is handy considering he has no sense of boundaries with children.
Yes, Screech picks up a random child and takes him to a random couple who happen to be wearing glasses because all people who wear glasses are related. Screech asks the couple to sponsor him and they’re all, “Fuck off, Dumbass.” God, this is the guy who’s going to be working at Bayside for six years after this series. Good thing the random couple weren’t kidnappers or child molesters. The good thing about this scene is the boy kicks Screech in the leg for trying to abduct him. The kid even runs back to kick Screech again in front of Lisa. Coolest kid ever.
Screech asks Lisa to sponsor him and Lisa tells him she wouldn’t sponsor someone so idiotic that he would try kidnapping multiple children in only a few episodes. She instead, offers to sponsor Zack Morris because someone had to.
To top off the Screech abuse, the kid returns with his brother and a couple Super Soakers and chases Screech around the beach as the extras all point and laugh. Seriously. Coolest kids ever.
Stacey comes in to observe them fighting when a stranger comes up to accost Stacey. Turns out it’s Craig, Stacey’s never-before-mentioned boyfriend, and he’s here to turn Stacey into a cheating whore like Kelly.
Slater is all, “Wait till Zack Morris finds out he got rid of one skank for another!” and Jessie is all, “Feminism?”
Mr. Carosi introduces Craig to the other regulars sans Zack Morris as a rich student at Yale. Mr. Carosi is sponsoring Craig in the ATV race because Mr. Carosi is apparently a member and not an employee. Craig tells Mr. Carosi he plans on asking Stacey to wear his fraternity pin. HIS FRATERNITY PIN!?!? No! That’s practically asking the girl to go steady with you!
Screech tries to distract Zack Morris from seeing Craig by serving dirty rolls to the customers and expressing his undying love for Zack Morris. Screech, though, being a complete moron, spills the entire thing. Zack Morris handles this the way he handles ever crisis at Malibu Springs: by walking out on his job in the middle of his shift.
At the girls’ house, Jessie’s ready to play baseball indoors when she hears the doorbell. She hopes she has the opportunity to practice her feminism self-defense but it’s just Zack Morris here to bemoan the fact that his new girlfriend is a skank whore to his two currently platonic female friends and his ex-skank whore girlfriend. Kelly’s all, “I’m sorry you’re dating a cheating slut again,” and Jessie tells him that she’s sure Stacey will pick him soon.
Mr. Carosi has the gang assembled for a ceremony when Craig and Stacey walk in. Turns out it’s a ceremony so Craig can give Stacey his fraternity pin! Oh my god! They’re practically married now! Tonight they’ll consummate their love with a game of Super Mario Bros. Zack Morris, meanwhile, walks out because he can’t possibly compete with a fraternity pin!
In the employee lounge, Zack Morris is packing his things to go home when Screech tells him that he should date Stacey in his mind like Screech dates Lisa in his mind. That’s not creepy at all. Between kidnapping random children and stalking women in his mind, Screech is beginning to sound more and more like a serial killer. Maybe that’s the real reason The New Class had to change cast so often.
At the ATV race, Stacey comes up to try and talk to Zack Morris but Zack Morris is all, “I’m still trying to figure out how I could date two dirty sluts in one season.” Craig comes up and smack talks Zack Morris as he tells Stacey to get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich, which doesn’t sit well with Stacey.
The contestants are off and Jessie can’t control her ATV because she’s a girl and girls can’t drive. There’s the slight scream of “Feminism!” as the ATV heads out of control towards the ocean and Jessie drowns. Kelly’s all, “Haha! I’m smarter than Jessie!”
The race basically becomes a contest between Zack Morris and Craig as everyone else was told to hang back since they aren’t major players in the episode. As Zack Morris is about to win, Craig comes up and gently bumps his ATV, allowing Craig the edge he needs to win the race.
Unfortunately, Jessie survived plunging her ATV in the ocean and decided to come back wearing seaweed as a necklace. She’s all, “But feminism power should have worked! It’s to me what spinach is to Popeye or Scooby Snacks to Scooby-Doo and Shaggy or the leather jacket to the Fonz or bad acting to The New Class cast!”
Later Stacey finds Zack Morris on the beach and he finally tells her he loves her despite the fact that she’s a stupid skank whore and he’s only dated her two episodes. Stacey’s all, “I love you, too! I gave Craig back his fraternity pin so now let’s make everything alright so we go on with episodes from this arc!”
And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Stacey back together and vowing never to mention Craig again.