I have so been looking forward to giving this episode hell in a schaudenfreude sort of way. It’s one of those episodes you can’t help hearing about, like “Jessie’s Song” or “Running Zack.” Let’s see how it is.
We open in a tropical paradise where the gang is learning Biology from Doctor Phelps and a menagerie of animals from “the pond behind the football field” that’s never been mentioned before and, I dare say, will never be mentioned again. And what the hell is someone with a PhD doing teaching high school biology? It doesn’t make sense!
No time for any of that, though, because it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game at Saved by the Bell Reviewed…”Where’s Scott Wolf?” Unfortunately, Scott Wolf is nowhere to be found in this episode so let’s find Casper Van Dien instead.
Yeah, there he is, random student to the left of Lisa. I know. It’s not nearly as spectacular as spotting Scott Wolf but for anyone who’s enjoyed making fun of Starship Troopers, it’s nice to know the caliber of the jobs he takes hasn’t gone up very much over the years. He’ll show up one more time, too.
Doctor Phelps decides it’s time for the students to randomly hold animals. Oh, how ironic! Lisa hates turtles because they’re icky! Let’s send some of the teenage mutant ninja variety to her house!
Becky. Becky the Motherfucking Kick Ass Ninja Spy Super Duck! Although Zack Morris doesn’t know that’s her name yet because she’s deep undercover since she’s a bad ass! Becky can take a mother fucking knock on the head from one of Zack Morris’s baseballs because she’s Becky. Becky can can stand smelling Zack Morris’s arm pits because she’s a mother fucking bad ass! And Becky can save children from a burning orphanage because…she’s motherfucking Becky, yo! All hail, Becky!
In the hallway, Mr. Belding recognizes Becky as the duck who once saved him from a crazed Mylo back at JFK Jr. High! Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris and Screech that Becky is a bad ass and has a name, and exposits a bit about putting in new goal posts on the football field!
At The Max, Becky eats with the rest of the gang and one questions why a duck is being allowed in a restaurant when it isn’t being cooked until one realizes two things: one, Max used to keep animals in his pants all the time, and two, Becky is a mother fucking bad ass!
Slater rushes in and tells the gang that the construction people knocked out a pipe when they were putting in the new football goals and oil is spurting everywhere. Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Animal rights! Daffy Duck deserves a home!”
And Jessie likes to arrange assassination of those who oppose her political agenda. Kelly’s dream apparently is to remain a waitress the rest of her life…I don’t know. Just go with it.Oh, casual racism, it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other! Yes, Screech is actually trying to be a rich Arab and does the single worst impersonation I’ve seen of an Arab in my entire life. He actually manages to do a worse impersonation than the one Zack Morris did way back in season one. Oh, Screech, you lovable imperial racist who loves the thought of buying Saudi Arabia!
All of this does make one question: is the gang just a bunch of irredeemable racists? Also, why would they get any money out of it if the school struck oil? And last, but most important, complete the cycle! What the hell is Becky’s motherfucking dream, yo?! Becky’s the most important thing in this show! Why, she should be dating Leah Remini and not Zack Morris! Speciesists!
Yeah, they come out of their fantasies long enough for Screech to rush in and tell the gang that Bayside really did strike oil. Oh, what a predictable but improbable stroke of luck using Beverly Hillbillies logic.
Mr. Belding calls a school assembly to announce plans for the oil money because…principals always share their schools’ fiscal plan with the students? I don’t know. But this is Dan Grayson, the vice-president of Cal Star Oil, who’s practically screaming villain what with his cowboy dress and Texas accent and love of oil. He’s come to extract the oil and build a “better Bayside.” Yeah all the oil money is going to go to Bayside because, in real life, it would totally not get stuck in the wheels of bureaucracy that is state government and go to fund some study on the consumption of ketchup.
Back at Zack Morris’s house, Becky is still being her usual bad ass self after having just saved a bus full of nuns from crashing into a run away train being driven by terrorists under orders from Adolph Hitler. Jessie comes over to ask Zack Morris to sign her petition against oil drilling and Zack Morris is all, “I don’t do anything for other people!” She convinces Zack Morris to read up on oil drilling. Also, Zack Morris and Screech confess to a felony after admitting they stuck a para scope in the girls’ locker room to perv on all the naked flesh. How are they not in prison?
But Zack Morris has different ideas and he’s beginning to fall for Becy and her awesome kick assery. He only wishes the state would stop oppressing him and legalize inter-species marriage. Finally, Screech does the most disturbing Donald Duck impersonation ever. I think the writers are going for a record for how many times they can creep us out with Screech in one episode.
Back at Bayside, it’s time for the animals to be released back to the pond. Becky walks like the bad ass she is as she prepares to go rejoin the animal kingdom and do even more kick ass things! Oh, I hope Becky will make a guest appearance, maybe making the Tori episodes more bearable when I get to them soon enough! Lisa conveniently got over her fear of turtles off screen and Kelly randomly decides Jessie’s right about oil drilling.
Jessie, Kelly, and random nerd Franklin protest oil drilling. Naturally, Franklin just wants to sexually harass Jessie and Kelly. Mr. Belding comes and orders the trio to his office but discover Franklin swallowed the key so he can feel up their cooches. That’s when Lisa comes in and tells them that there’s conveniently been an oil spill and there’s oil everywhere! Oh no!
Yeah. Why, Saved by the Bell!? WHY I ASK YOU!?!?!
Slater comes in covered in oil and tell Zack Morris and Screech about the oil spill. Zack Morris suddenly realizes they don’t know whether the oil got in the pond or not and becomes concerned because Becky is now carrying his child. The three rush out to find out what happened.
Zack Morris and Screech rush in to Doctor Phelps and…NO! NOT BECKY! Becky, you surely met an enemy you could not conquer: Big Oil! Yes, Becky has expired, the victim of the vicious oil spill being perpetrated by Genghis Khan. As Screech says, Becky is where the oil can’t hurt her now, up in Heaven with great heroes of the past like Barry Allen, the first Flash, and Jason Todd the second Robin, if he hadn’t been resurrected.
Becky’s death puts Zack Morris and Screech instantly against the oil company, and this sends them, with Jessie, to protest the drilling to Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding actually makes a pretty compelling case, saying that it was just an accident, but Jessie insists that the evil oil company is covering up the accident even though it’s been like fifteen minutes since we even saw the oil company.
Slater, Kelly, and Lisa come in and, somehow, in the middle of a giant oil spill, manage to find the exact same animals they were holding in the Biology class because, apparently, there’s only one of ever species in this pond, which must make reproduction difficult. But who cares about them?!?! BECKY!!!!
At another assembly complete with parents and everything, Mr. Grayson shows the students a replica of the new Bayside with a new swimming pool and football field because the oil company are also apparently in the architecture business. Ironically, I think this is the first time we’ve actually seen the exterior of Bayside in any form other than the opening credits. The gang start berating Mr. Grayson over getting rid of the pond that’s now covered in oil.
Zack Morris puts some model oil derricks onto the model and proceeds to spray “oil” all over the model because apparently all their case rests on is how bad the derricks and oil will make the school grounds work.
Did Zack Morris use Hershey’s chocolate syrup for oil? Jessie finally mentions the animals, and Mr. Grayson does the mean and horrible thing of apologizing for it and saying they’ve already cleaned up the pond because…HE’S EVIL!!!!
Mr. Belding says he thinks he’s seen enough of evil Mr. Grayson and declares the school won’t be allowing drilling because Zack Morris’s unorthodox methods have melted their cold hearts.And our episode ends with the gang congratulating themselves on another hair brained scheme that succeeds.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I am one of the biggest advocates for developing alternative fuel sources, and I don’t believe our current obsession with oil is sustainable, but this episode makes me want to go and buy stock in oil companies. This is such a hypocritical episode and Slater even points out how hypocritical it is at one point when he mentions all the stuff we currently need oil for. What he didn’t mention was producing and airing television shows. So…was Saved by the Bell trying to get themselves cancelled?
But let’s not forget what was important here…Becky. RIP Becky. They can’t hurt you now! Long may you quack!
Firsts: Casper Van Dien.