Oh god…please let this be a film the gang is watching on skiing. No, of course it isn’t. It’s yet another fucking location episode. God, why must you punish me so? Is it because you’re secretly a fan of Showgirls and get pissed when I say it ruined Elizabeth Berkley’s career? Is it because I think the Olson twins were the worst things in prime time in the ’90s? Was it because of that time I took caffeine pills? Oh, God, why must you forsaken me?
The gang is excited that there won’t be any parents for the next week but Screech is kind enough to creepily let Tommy D know that he can call him his “Happy Pappy.” Is that a hillbilly drug dealer? Seriously, did the writers think that was funny at all or were they just stoned out of their minds while they were writing this piece of crap?
Meanwhile, Bobby complains about penguins living in his underwear and Lindsay notices a hot guy because she’s a girl and all girls think about are guys. Rachel wants to get a little something something with Brian but Brian’s Swiss and all Swiss people want to do is ski. It’s like their Viagra.
Mr. Belding trips over Tommy D’s skis in the most awkward position since Zack Morris’s trip over Mr. Belding in “The Surgery.” And the result?
You guessed it! That was enough to give Mr. Belding a sprained ankle! Are bones just much more brittle in the Saved by the Bell universe? Anyway, he has to stay off his ankle for a few days but he tells the gang to go and have fun.
Unfortunately, in yet another subplot, Rachel thinks she’s at a fashion show and not a ski trip and she’s taking quite literally hours to decide what to wear to ski. Brian’s all, “Fuck this bullshit!” and leaves her to go skiing with Tommy D and Bobby.
Back at the ski lodge, meet Chris, Lindsay’s college age love interest for the episode who helps her take her ski boots off, which is like third base in the Saved by the Bell universe. Lindsay tells Chris that she’s also college age, which is an obvious lie, and that she goes to Cal U. Chris decides that Lindsay is suitable to have his babies so he invites her to a frat party…at the ski lodge. Yeah.
The boys arrive back after a full day of skiing to find Rachel still trying on clothes and Rachel’s all, “That’s okay. My vagina is moist for some huge Swiss meat.” Brian’s all, “That sounds fun and all but I want to ski again tomorrow and hopefully find a mountain lion to fuck so I’m going to bed.” Rachel’s all pissed that Brian would dare want to ski on a skiing trip. But before they can fight it out, Bobby’s underwear catches on fire and Tommy D and Brian rush off after him so they can smother the fire in his pants.
Lindsay tells Megan all about Chris and Megan is all judgmental because her own vagina is a barren desert. Lindsay tells Megan and Rachel about the party. Rachel instantly wants to go because of the stupid subplot involving her and Brian. Megan doesn’t want to go at first until they see some of Chris’s hot college friends and she instantly gets a lady boner.
Screech comes in and tells the girls he’s throwing a get well soon party for Mr. Belding tonight because…plot, and assumes the girls want to come. Lindsay’s all, “We’re going to go to both because I want to find out what I’ve been missing shackled to Tommy D for the past two years!”
In the girls’ room, Lindsay wants to dress like this to go to a party with hot guys. Rachel says this is so uncool and throws Lindsay a leather jacket so she can look more like Tori, the coolest kid to ever have gone to Bayside. They then proceed to argue over their knowledge of college life based on the gospel of Beverly Hills, 90210.
So Screech sucks ass at charades. The girls decide they’ve had enough of this lame ass party and decide to sneak off so they can go to the frat party. The boys become suspicious and decide to stalk them.
At the party, Megan and Rachel are enjoying an exciting night of talking about college majors with two men who could be arrested for statutory rape if they touched their downstairs areas. Lindsay, meanwhile, decides that Chris is a thousand times better than Tommy D because he’s not a complete idiot, and imagines what it would be like to marry him. The boys locate the girls and Tommy D’s genius mind automatically assumes that Rachel is there because she goes to college. Are we sure that Tommy D isn’t Screech’s long lost brother who was mentioned in Good Morning, Miss Bliss?
The boys sneak into the party and Brian does his best to look disapproving as Rachel seems determined to have fun. See, Brian’s already learned that, in the Saved by the Bell universe, going to a party means you’re going to leave knocked up or with a duck or something.
Lindsay, meanwhile, drinks the evil horrible vile drink known as beer in order to fit in with the college crowd, and let me tell you: if you thought Natalia Cigliuti was a horrible actress, just wait until you see her try to pretend to be drunk. It’s like watching Dustin Diamond try to appear likeable. Also, a vixen comes in and woos Tommy D with her villainous charm because Tommy D is willing to drink beer with her and that’s apparently the only criteria needed to be fuckable on The New Class. It’s nice to know Tommy D is such a piece of crap that he would break up with Lindsay just a few episodes ago for Katie and then forget Katie ever existed. A real charmer, this one.
Now cue the moralizing about the evils of alcohol in 3, 2, 1…
Random girl decides to go for a spin on a stolen snow mobile that just happens to be conveniently parked indoors. Bobby tries to talk Tommy D out of the snow mobile since he’s been drinking, apparently not caring about the consequences of stolen property, but Tommy D is all, “I’m an idiot so I’ve got to illustrate our moral this week!”
Screech comes in and finds Brian and Bobby. Seeing Megan and Rachel there too, he quickly deduces using what little brain power he possesses that the gang snuck out to go to the party. Being the responsible adult chaperon he is, he tells them to just get back upstairs for Mr. Belding’s surprise cake that Miss Bliss is going to jump through. Screech goes to retrieve Lindsay and lets the cat out of the bag she’s in high school. Chris is all, “I can’t claim ‘She lied to me’ as self-defense now that someone’s actually named your age, so see ya!”
Rachel and Brian make up for their stupid little sub-plot that went nowhere. Lindsay interrupts their tinder moment to go throw up the Ruffies that Chris slipped her and Mr. Belding suddenly realizes something’s up. The gang confess everything to him quickly because they’re like the fastest group of high schoolers to confess to something in history.
With less than a minute left in the episode, a ski patrolman comes in and tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D had an accident on his snowmobile. Well, duh! He tried to drive it through the ski lodge but the Kool-Aid Man he is not! Mr. Belding blames Bobby for the accident because Bobby didn’t tackle and hold him to keep him off the snowmobile.
Tommy D has a broken leg, Lindsay has a hang-over, and Mr. Belding moralizes over how they should have just said no to alcohol and stopped their friends because people apparently don’t have free will in the Saved by the Bell universe. He grounds them all for the weekend because they’re all bad, evil people who dared let the sin of drink on their tongue. The moral lesson here: you’re always responsible for your friends actions no matter how stupid they are because you should apparently just set fire to a party rather than just let them make their own choices.And our episode ends with Screech increasing liability for Bayside as he proceeds to whack Tommy D in the foot with a ski. Nice going, Dumbass.
Really, I don’t get why they hate alcohol so much. If it weren’t for alcohol, the only people who would watch these episodes are internet reviewers with too much time on their hands.
Firsts: The ski lodge.