Welcome back to Marriott’s Desert Springs Hotel, still a very likely place Jessie’s father might own. Seriously, could they not have asked to take down the Marriott name for a day? That simple act would have saved so many continuity problems in this show, not that this franchise ever cared about continuity to begin with, but you know what I mean.
We open with Zack Morris recapping the events of part one, including the fact that the whole Screech falling in water while trying to impress Lisa thing was actually supposed to be a subplot. I think, in this case, the writers may be mistaken as to what the central events to part one that need to be recapped are.
In the fitness center, Lisa practically wets herself over Zack Morris kissing Kelly. She thought it would be at least two more years until they got married, but maybe Zack Morris and Kelly can just have a double wedding with David and Leslie!
Slater tries to show Screech how to impress a girl with his physical vigor by lifting a dumbbell for these two random women obviously too old for him.
Meanwhile, Jessie assures Zack Morris that she’s not really going to try and stop her father’s wedding. She promptly delivers a note for Leslie in David’s name cancelling a dinner date between the two of them that night. Is it just me or is Jessie more unlikable than Screech in this episode?
Christina comes in and invites Slater to have dinner with her father that night. He’s all nervous because he’s never had dinner with the king of a fake country before. Though Christina assures him he can just be himself, Slater is the one guy in the world who would possibly ruin his chances with a beautiful princess over insecurities.
Jessie sweet talks her father into letting her join Leslie and him for dinner, the same dinner that the stupid bitch just cancelled because her quasifeminist principles don’t extend to classism and elitism.
At dinner, Slater layers on as much bullshit as he possibly can in an effort to charm Christina’s father. He ends up declaring his father to be a “General Colonel Major,” his mother to be a movie star turned United States Senator, and his grandfather who owned California. Jesus, there’s no sense at all that lying to them might put them off. Poor Slater. He’s only upper middle class and a star athlete. Cry me a river.
David wonders what’s happened to Leslie when she randomly comes up to the table. They figure out David didn’t send the message as we go to commercial break, but, don’t worry, it doesn’t come up in the episode again so nothing to worry about. At the pool, Screech actually manages to find a girl who thinks he’s attractive and he tries the stupid advice of his book as he tries to be as creepy as possible. He drops the book in the pool and, without the book’s advice, complements her on her big nose and her big butt. She promptly pushes him in the water, thankful to be spared any more of his idiocy.
The rest of the gang watch David and Leslie having fun in the water, and Jessie is all, “How dare they have so much fun together! They act like they really are in love or something!” The gang, sans Slater, join David and Leslie in the water where Jessie challenges David to a race. When David brings Leslie into the race, no joke, Jessie tries to drown Leslie to keep her from winning. Jessie needs to be locked in a mental institution. Immediately. The caffeine pills are still eating her brain cells!
Meanwhile, Christian invites Slater to play tennis with her father and her, which, I assume, is code for “hot incestuous monarch three-way.” Slater tells Christina he can’t see her anymore because he’s a commoner and she’s royalty and he doesn’t know how to act around her…
Seriously, was this episode designed to make me believe half the characters on this show are raving idiots? Because, if it was, it’s working. I already believed Screech was an idiot. Now Slater and Jessie are both looking like morons themselves. Let’s see how many more characters we can diminish by the end of this episode! At dinner that night, Lisa has a girl boner over how Zack Morris and Kelly are getting back together. But, wouldn’t you know it, Kelly finds the waiter attractive and that somehow is getting in the way of her getting back with Zack Morris because women obviously aren’t allowed to find more than one man at a time attractive. If they use this as an excuse for them not to get back together, my brain might explode. When Zack Morris takes a break in dancing, she tells the worst possible person in the building about her feelings: Screech. She only wants to be Zack Morris’s friend because…she’s scared of cheating on him again? I don’t know. This subplot makes even less sense than Slater’s princess problems.
Speaking of which, Christina finds Slater and tells him it’s whack that he’s being so stupid about her leadership position in a non-existent country and I think threatens to declare war on the Slater household. Slater kisses her, though, and makes everything all better because plot. He also asks her to be his date to the dance since Jessie is being even more psycho than him this episode. We also get a hint of Lichtenbourg’s native language, which seems a horrible mix of French and German. It’s obvious the writers of this show never took a linguistics class. And now, here’s where Jessie loses her remaining brain cells. Lisa’s taking pictures of Jessie and Leslie in their dresses when Jessie just suddenly burst out that she can’t smile because her father is about to marry “this gold digging bimbo.” Leslie storms out, pissed off, and Lisa tells Jessie she better be glad Jessie didn’t say those things to her or she would have slapped the shit out of her and then slapped even more shit out of her for good measure for being a stupid spoiled whore. Lisa tells Jessie she needs to get the fuck over this whole stupid plot because it’s not up to her who her father marries. See, it’s times like this I love Lisa because she’s the only one with brains enough to call this plot out for the bull shit that it is. It’s like the writers were self-aware how stupid it sounded and vented their own feelings through Lisa.
David comes in and tells Jessie that it’s tough shit she doesn’t want him to marry Leslie so Jessie storms out, saying she won’t be at the wedding.
Kelly comes up to talk to Zack Morris but, before she can, Screech spills the whole thing because you should never trust Screech with anything. They agree to be friends because they need something to do on The College Years and thus ends our “Zack Morris still likes Kelly” subplot. So, I guess that means this episode is also trying to make Zack Morris and Kelly look like idiots. Scary as it is to admit, is Lisa the sanest member of this cast?
Lisa runs in and tells the gang the shit that’s been going down with Jessie. Zack Morris runs off to find Jessie as the rest of the gang stall the wedding by…kidnapping the minister and taking him on a tour of the hotel. No shit. They take the minister and just lead him around the hotel. I couldn’t make this stuff up. Zack Morris finds Jessie walking towards the bus stop with a single bag in hand and convinces her she’s jealous of Leslie because she’s scared her father loves Leslie more than he loves her, which is bullshit because she’s just a massive hypocrite. Less than thirty seconds of talking with Zack Morris convinces Jessie she’s been unfair to Leslie, and they race off in a golf cart to make the wedding, apparently causing a random guy on the green to lose a $1,000 bet.
As they race towards the hotel, the minister finally manages to get away from the rest of the gang and prepares to start the wedding. Oh, and Christina is nowhere in sight so I guess she figured out how stupid this entire episode is and decided she wanted no further part of it.Zack Morris and Jessie make it back just in the nick of time. Our episode ends with Jessie apologizing to Leslie and David, making everything just fine because Leslie is apparently a saint to have put up with all the stupid crap she did over the last two parts.