Well, in case you can’t tell, it’s Christmas in Saved by the Bell land, and Zack Morris has his stocking hung, hoping Santa will bring him that new fleshlight he’s been eyeing.
We open at the Morris household, where everybody wants to eat Melanie’s cookies. Bet she hasn’t been able to say that since she was a teenager herself. Maybe that’s why her first husband mysteriously disappeared in the movie to California. Anyway, the gang all talk about what they’re doing over Christmas break. Slater, Kelly, and Jessie are working at the mall while Lisa is volunteering as a candy striper at the hospital to cheer up children who can’t go home for Christmas. Is it strange that I’m smiling the writers actually remembered something from earlier in the season?
At the mall, Slater sucks ass at his job wrapping presents. He somehow manages to put a woman’s champagne glasses in a box and not tape up the bottom of the box. I’m quite impressed at this level of incompetence, but the woman isn’t as she actually tries to strangle Slater to death. Yeah, no joke, she tries to kill Slater. I’m not exaggerating. What’s worse, Zack Morris and Slater’s coworker stand by and do nothing until Slater calls for help. Wow, this Christmas episode is taking a dark turn already.
Jessie’s job is working as one of Santa’s elves, and this little boy thinks it sucks ass he has to be on Saved by the Bell at Christmas time. Jessie threatens to have Santa not bring him any presents unless he smiles for the camera, and the little boy promptly kicks Jessie in the leg and tells her that at least he’s not a future stripper.
You know, I just realized, as perverse as the Schadenfreude on this show can get, I kind of wish that it had been Screech the woman was trying to kill, or Screech that the little boy kicked. Why couldn’t it be Screech? That’s all I want for Christmas!
Zack Morris runs into this girl, quite literally, and quickly finds out her name is Laura. Since she has a vagina, Zack Morris is interested in the possibility she could steal his cursed virginity, but she rushes off quite fast to get to work. Now, begin the not so subtly inserted clues of who Laura is as Zack Morris notices her lunch is only an apple.
Meanwhile Screech buys a doll for the hospital Christmas party whose only function is to pee on you. I always wondered this about girls’ toys: why do girls want to do things like deal with a baby doll that cries and pees? I have to say, I would throw that fucking thing across the room.
The baby doll is enough of an excuse to get us into the restroom, though, where this incredibly clean and well-manicured homeless man shows Screech how to dry his pants using the hand dryer. Zack Morris and Screech realize he’s homeless once he starts shaving in the sink, and Zack Morris does the single most generous thing I think I’ve ever seen him do in this franchise: he leaves a wad of money for the man to find. Better be careful here, Saved by the Bell, or you might have me feeling sympathy towards Zack Morris. It’s quickly counterbalanced by Screech making some of the most insensitive jokes towards a homeless man I’ve ever seen in this franchise, or on any show for that matter. Jesus, where’s the woman who tried to kill Slater? We could use her right now!
At Kelly’s job, it turns out Kelly works with Laura, who keeps changing the subject rather than talk about her home life. Zack Morris comes in and immediately starts hitting on Laura again and asks her to lunch. He starts making asshole comments, though about giving money to the homeless and not knowing if they’ll spend it on food or crack or hookers. Laura’s all, “God you’re an idiot!” and storms off.
At the food court, Slater and Lisa make fun of Zack Morris for blowing a date before it even started. Yeah, like they’re ones to talk. Lisa’s a codependent serial monogamist and Slater’s forgotten Denise Richards even existed back at Malibu Sands.
Laura comes in with Kelly and Zack Morris apologizes for being an insensitive ass. He points out that he comes from a place of white upper middle class privilege so he was unaware that homeless people were human as well. She accepts his apology and sits down to have lunch with him, scarfing down much of his meal.
Afterwards, Zack Morris takes her to sit on Santa’s lap, and I think Santa’s getting a woody that he gets to have one of Zack Morris’s girls sit on his lap. Also, the boy who kicked Jessie earlier returns to insult her some more. Boy, I love this kid! He needs to be a regular!
Melanie comes in and basically warns Laura that Zack Morris might try to lose his virgin status and that she should sick Screech on him if that becomes a problem. Melanie also invites Laura to be in the mall production of A Christmas Carol that all the gang is going to be in. Laura isn’t sure she can ask for time off but Zack Morris reminds her that she can always get time off when it’s convenient to the plot.
At the gift wrapping station, Lisa berates Slater for his sucky ass gift wrapping skills. The homeless man comes up and redoes the wrapping job. Lisa leaves to go to the hospital for the Christmas party and, after the homeless man asks for some gift wrap scraps, he gives the man a whole roll of wrapping paper.
The homeless man’s passed out on the floor, so Slater immediately…unbuttons his shirt. Okay, who put Dustin Diamond’s porno in my box set? Luckily Slater starts doing something useful and uses his lifeguarding skills on the man while Screech calls 9-1-1…after he finds out the number.
At the store, Kelly and Laura gush over her picture with Santa when the shop owner, Mr. Moody comes out. There’s been far too much generosity in this episode so Mr. Moody’s job is to be the stereotypical Scrooge type boss and refuse to let Laura off so she can be in the play. How horrible…he wants his employee to work. What a horrible guy he is.
The rest of the gang sans Lisa come to collect Kelly and Zack Morris tells Kelly and Laura about the homeless man. She asks if he’s okay but Zack Morris is all, “There’s no time for that crap! We’ve got to go entertain sick children so we can tug at even more of our audience’s heart strings!”
At the hospital, Lisa helps the kids decorate the tree.Lisa asks this little boy if he wants to put the star on top of the tree. He’s all, “Bitch, I’m too short to reach the top of the tree. Quit talking smack!” Lisa gets a random tall guy to help him reach, and he’s all, “Yo, that was real cool, mama. Wanna go back to my room and make babies?”
The rest of the gang come in dressed as characters from Santa mythology, and I swear they missed out on an opportunity here to have Dennis Haskins dressed as Santa. Instead, Zack Morris is Santa, and the gang hand out presents to the kids. Also, Screech practically orgasms from Lisa kissing him, and the little boy is all, “Yo, sucker, get your fucking hands off my woman!”
Slater tries to calm the young man’s rage with a present, but he’s all, “Yo, this wrapping job is all whack! Who’s the dumb ass who did this?” He figures out that Slater did and is all, “Get yo ass out of my face now before I pop a cap in yo ass!”
The gang decide to go visit the homeless man, and I kid you not, they find out his room number by asking for the homeless man who passed out in the mall. It’s nice to know that the staff is so up on every patient in the hospital. Before they go, fake snow comes streaming down…from the ceiling of a hospital…on top of sick kids…yeah, that sounds really sanitary. Can you say “malpractice?” The little boy is all, “Yo, what’s this bull shit? It doesn’t snow in Los Angeles!” I’m actually quite surprised the writers of this show know it doesn’t snow in L.A. They get so many other basic facts wrong that I just take it for granted they live in little padded sense deprivation rooms a hundred feet below the ground.