Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 24: “Home for Christmas, Part 1”

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Well, in case you can’t tell, it’s Christmas in Saved by the Bell land, and Zack Morris has his stocking hung, hoping Santa will bring him that new fleshlight he’s been eyeing.

vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h00m33s142We open at the Morris household, where everybody wants to eat Melanie’s cookies. Bet she hasn’t been able to say that since she was a teenager herself. Maybe that’s why her first husband mysteriously disappeared in the movie to California. Anyway, the gang all talk about what they’re doing over Christmas break. Slater, Kelly, and Jessie are working at the mall while Lisa is volunteering as a candy striper at the hospital to cheer up children who can’t go home for Christmas. Is it strange that I’m smiling the writers actually remembered something from earlier in the season?
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At the mall, Slater sucks ass at his job wrapping presents. He somehow manages to put a woman’s champagne glasses in a box and not tape up the bottom of the box. I’m quite impressed at this level of incompetence, but the woman isn’t as she actually tries to strangle Slater to death. Yeah, no joke, she tries to kill Slater. I’m not exaggerating. What’s worse, Zack Morris and Slater’s coworker stand by and do nothing until Slater calls for help. Wow, this Christmas episode is taking a dark turn already.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h03m24s56

Jessie’s job is working as one of Santa’s elves, and this little boy thinks it sucks ass he has to be on Saved by the Bell at Christmas time. Jessie threatens to have Santa not bring him any presents unless he smiles for the camera, and the little boy promptly kicks Jessie in the leg and tells her that at least he’s not a future stripper.

You know, I just realized, as perverse as the Schadenfreude on this show can get, I kind of wish that it had been Screech the woman was trying to kill, or Screech that the little boy kicked. Why couldn’t it be Screech? That’s all I want for Christmas!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h03m51s72

Zack Morris runs into this girl, quite literally, and quickly finds out her name is Laura. Since she has a vagina, Zack Morris is interested in the possibility she could steal his cursed virginity, but she rushes off quite fast to get to work. Now, begin the not so subtly inserted clues of who Laura is as Zack Morris notices her lunch is only an apple.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h04m47s106

Meanwhile Screech buys a doll for the hospital Christmas party whose only function is to pee on you. I always wondered this about girls’ toys: why do girls want to do things like deal with a baby doll that cries and pees? I have to say, I would throw that fucking thing across the room.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h06m23s61

The baby doll is enough of an excuse to get us into the restroom, though, where this incredibly clean and well-manicured homeless man shows Screech how to dry his pants using the hand dryer. Zack Morris and Screech realize he’s homeless once he starts shaving in the sink, and Zack Morris does the single most generous thing I think I’ve ever seen him do in this franchise: he leaves a wad of money for the man to find. Better be careful here, Saved by the Bell, or you might have me feeling sympathy towards Zack Morris. It’s quickly counterbalanced by Screech making some of the most insensitive jokes towards a homeless man I’ve ever seen in this franchise, or on any show for that matter. Jesus, where’s the woman who tried to kill Slater? We could use her right now!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h11m47s230

At Kelly’s job, it turns out Kelly works with Laura, who keeps changing the subject rather than talk about her home life. Zack Morris comes in and immediately starts hitting on Laura again and asks her to lunch. He starts making asshole comments, though about giving money to the homeless and not knowing if they’ll spend it on food or crack or hookers. Laura’s all, “God you’re an idiot!” and storms off.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h13m37s41

At the food court, Slater and Lisa make fun of Zack Morris for blowing a date before it even started. Yeah, like they’re ones to talk. Lisa’s a codependent serial monogamist and Slater’s forgotten Denise Richards even existed back at Malibu Sands.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h14m09s118

Oh, and it’s time for some hilarious sexual harassment! Come on, Lisa! Take that ketchup bottle and shove it up Screech’s ass! I know you can do it!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h15m39s242

Laura comes in with Kelly and Zack Morris apologizes for being an insensitive ass. He points out that he comes from a place of white upper middle class privilege so he was unaware that homeless people were human as well. She accepts his apology and sits down to have lunch with him, scarfing down much of his meal.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h16m44s125

Afterwards, Zack Morris takes her to sit on Santa’s lap, and I think Santa’s getting a woody that he gets to have one of Zack Morris’s girls sit on his lap. Also, the boy who kicked Jessie earlier returns to insult her some more. Boy, I love this kid! He needs to be a regular!vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h17m39s164

Melanie comes in and basically warns Laura that Zack Morris might try to lose his virgin status and that she should sick Screech on him if that becomes a problem. Melanie also invites Laura to be in the mall production of A Christmas Carol that all the gang is going to be in. Laura isn’t sure she can ask for time off but Zack Morris reminds her that she can always get time off when it’s convenient to the plot.

At the gift wrapping station, Lisa berates Slater for his sucky ass gift wrapping skills. The homeless man comes up and redoes the wrapping job. Lisa leaves to go to the hospital for the Christmas party and, after the homeless man asks for some gift wrap scraps, he gives the man a whole roll of wrapping paper.

Zack Morris and Screech come in to get Slater so they can go to the hospital when they notice a crowd gathering.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h20m47s249

The homeless man’s passed out on the floor, so Slater immediately…unbuttons his shirt. Okay, who put Dustin Diamond’s porno in my box set? Luckily Slater starts doing something useful and uses his lifeguarding skills on the man while Screech calls 9-1-1…after he finds out the number.

vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h22m23s191 At the store, Kelly and Laura gush over her picture with Santa when the shop owner, Mr. Moody comes out. There’s been far too much generosity in this episode so Mr. Moody’s job is to be the stereotypical Scrooge type boss and refuse to let Laura off so she can be in the play. How horrible…he wants his employee to work. What a horrible guy he is.

The rest of the gang sans Lisa come to collect Kelly and Zack Morris tells Kelly and Laura about the homeless man. She asks if he’s okay but Zack Morris is all, “There’s no time for that crap! We’ve got to go entertain sick children so we can tug at even more of our audience’s heart strings!”vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h23m13s161

At the hospital, Lisa helps the kids decorate the tree.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-19h26m46s138Lisa asks this little boy if he wants to put the star on top of the tree. He’s all, “Bitch, I’m too short to reach the top of the tree. Quit talking smack!” Lisa gets a random tall guy to help him reach, and he’s all, “Yo, that was real cool, mama. Wanna go back to my room and make babies?”vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h24m13s5

The rest of the gang come in dressed as characters from Santa mythology, and I swear they missed out on an opportunity here to have Dennis Haskins dressed as Santa. Instead, Zack Morris is Santa, and the gang hand out presents to the kids. Also, Screech practically orgasms from Lisa kissing him, and the little boy is all, “Yo, sucker, get your fucking hands off my woman!”vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h25m10s35

Slater tries to calm the young man’s rage with a present, but he’s all, “Yo, this wrapping job is all whack! Who’s the dumb ass who did this?” He figures out that Slater did and is all, “Get yo ass out of my face now before I pop a cap in yo ass!”

The gang decide to go visit the homeless man, and I kid you not, they find out his room number by asking for the homeless man who passed out in the mall. It’s nice to know that the staff is so up on every patient in the hospital. Before they go, fake snow comes streaming down…from the ceiling of a hospital…on top of sick kids…yeah, that sounds really sanitary. Can you say “malpractice?” The little boy is all, “Yo, what’s this bull shit? It doesn’t snow in Los Angeles!” I’m actually quite surprised the writers of this show know it doesn’t snow in L.A. They get so many other basic facts wrong that I just take it for granted they live in little padded sense deprivation rooms a hundred feet below the ground.

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At the homeless man’s room, the boys are surprised to find Laura there, who finally admits, in the most obvious plot twist in television history, that this man is her father. Yeah, I think it was easier to figure this out than to figure out that M*A*S*H would conclude with the end of the Korean War.vlcsnap-2015-02-06-18h27m46s79And our episode ends with the boys looking awkwardly at Laura and her father and trying to figure out what they should say in part two since they have twenty more minutes to tug at some more emotions for Christmas.
As a side note, the end credits list “Santa Clause as Himself” as a guest star. Jesus, do the writers think that the intended teenage demographic of this show haven’t figured out how Santa works yet? Way to really insult your audience’s intelligence there!
Firsts: Christmas!

8 responses to “Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 24: “Home for Christmas, Part 1”

  1. Even as a kid I didn’t believe they were homeless due to how clean they looked. Also first go round it made me wonder
    what a wino was…

    • Harold Collins

      What does a homeless person look like? I can tell that you sterotype everyone, based on what TV tells you. Go out into the real world and find out what a real homeless person looks like. They come in all different races, ethnicities and some even dress nice.

  2. I use to always hate this episode. haha. As a kid and now. It ALWAYS seemed to force emotion. I love that Zack follows up his giving money to the homeless guy as “He may be a wino”. Cause in the Saved By The Bell universe, wine & pot are the two most dangerous vices. Also, can we talk about Slater’s elf costume? WTF?

    P.S. I love this blog. I’ve been re-watching these episodes on Netflix so its fun to watch them and see what you’ll mention from your hilarious point of view.

  3. Now this was one as a kid that I hated it…I guess a prediction of the jaded adult I was going to turn into 😛

  4. I thought the actors did a great job portraying homeless people, especially Frank. The actor did a good job walking around looking frail and sounding weak.

    I think the point of this episode was made clear: not everyone has a home to live in, especially during Christmastime. Yeah, it was a little cheesy, but remember, this was a Saturday morning series. It competed with Bugs Bunny after all.

  5. I actually feel awful for Slater when that crazed lady tried to kill him over the gift breaking every time because when I worked as a bell hop for a hotel during the holiday season, I carried this woman’s bags to her room and dropped one, which had an antique lamp she was going to give to someone for Christmas, and it broke. Let me tell ya, she threw a huge fit and grabbed my necktie then pushed me into the wall. One of the guests managed to pry her off me but it was really effing scary. People get nuts over the holidays.

  6. Here’s one thing about this episode that I don’t get. No offence to the actress but does anyone really think Zack would be into Laura? She doesn’t seem to be his type.

    Zack is one of the most shallow characters on TV, He wants 9’s and 10’s. Laura seems like a 6 or 7.

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