The New Class Season 3, Episode 7: “Maria’s Movie Star”

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We open at the mall, where Lindsay, Maria, and R.J. are bummed that the writers remembered they have jobs, while Rachel looks for another job since no one liked her perfume that smelled like ass. Ryan really doesn’t understand how jobs work because he keeps trying to get Lindsay to ditch hers to go to the beach with him since it’s a three-day weekend. Yeah, that’s one way to lose your job fast!

vlcsnap-2015-02-09-17h58m53s160Tommy D has a new job as well, as the maintenance person for the mall. It’s kind of sad because that means Tommy D wasn’t even cut out to wear a chicken costume for a living. Maria gushes over the movie poster Tommy D is washing because Justin Wells is apparently the hottest actor in the Saved by the Bell universe now that Johnny Dakota’s career has gone down in shame. The gang think that if they were only Johnny Dakota, they wouldn’t have to work on three day weekends and could do whatever they wanted. Maybe it’s not just Ryan. Maybe it’s the entire gang who don’t understand how jobs work since they don’t seem to grasp that being an actor is a tough job. Of course, these characters are played by actors who look like they couldn’t even do a convincing performance as a Teletubby.

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Our B-plot this week is that the sports store is having a contest: whoever guesses closest to how many jelly beans are in this container wins a mountain bike. Naturally, Mr. Belding picked the most incompetent person possible to handle the jelly beans and it results in him randomly deciding to eat some of the candy and talking like the Hamburglar since the writers seem to think that eating jelly beans makes you talk like Ronald McDonald’s arch-nemesis. Mr. Belding naturally gets pissed off and makes Screech recount them all, while Screech, as usual, seems to have no concept of what he did wrong. Also, Mr. Belding randomly obsesses over the possibility someone may steal the mountain bike because it’s a lot easier to steal than the other, smaller merchandise that the store carries.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h01m33s229

At the Japanese restaurant, Maria recognizes one of her customers as being Justin Wells himself. She freaks out and starts talking really loudly, which he politely asks her not to do. Justin says he’s in disguise so he can spend a day without anyone recognizing who he is, and see his new movie with a real audience rather than yes-men who will tell him what he wants to hear, like whoever keeps telling Peter Engel that The New Class is a good show. He asks her not to tell his secret,

Justin asks Maria not to tell the rest of the gang about him. Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel choose just that moment to come in, and Maria introduces Justin as “Tim Pura.” Wow, that’s almost as clever as how Robin Williams gets the name Mrs. Doubtfire. The difference is Mrs. Doubtfire is a funny movie. This is fucking stupid.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h03m13s203

Back at the sports show, Screech proves he’s even incompetent at counting. There’s a “gag,” and I use that in the loosest meaning of the word, where R.J. serves a customer in the background while Screech is counting, and every time he says a number to the customer, Screech forgets his place and starts counting with the number R.J. said. I get that it’s supposed to be funny, but it really just makes Screech look like he should have never passed first grade.

On the phone, Mr. Belding finds out that there’s been several robberies in the mall so Mr. Belding asks a security guard to come lock the bike away. Uh, if someone robs you, they’re probably going to want more than just your stupid bike, Mr. Belding. Most robbers prefer money. Mr. Belding leaves to run an errand, unfortunately once again trusting his store to a man who’s less intelligent than the jelly beans he’s counting.

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R.J.’s customer tries on roller blades but quickly spirals out of controls, knocking the jelly beans out of Screech’s hand. Since, for whatever reason, the container Screech used was a glass one, it shatters and spreads jelly beans all over the place. Screech, apparently oblivious to the safety of an out of control roller blader in the mall, goes to find a new container and leaves R.J. in charge. R.J. chases after the customer to make sure she doesn’t like die or anything, leaving the store empty of employees.

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Meanwhile, Ryan continues pressuring Lindsay to blow off work and go to the beach. Since nobody on this show understand how jobs work, they decide that Rachel can just randomly cover for Lindsay without being hired or anything.

Maria feels dirty that she didn’t tell the gang the truth about Justin because people have an inherent right to know when a celebrity is around and she tells them everything, including every bowel movement she has, but Justin thanks her for covering for him. He says he just wants to be like them this weekend, which means a man in his mid-twenties gets to hang out with six high school students. Yeah, sounds like the usual route this franchise takes. Maria suggests Justin take a job as a busboy at the Japanese restaurant since this episode just can’t understand Business 101.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h13m52s189

R.J.’s customer gets away from him, which must mean that she shoplifted the roller blades she was wearing. See, what did I tell you! With Screech and R.J. working at the shop, the bike should be the least of their worries. Screech managed not only to secure a new jar, but also to refill it with jelly beans, all without having to reenter the store…where the jellybeans should be scattered across the god damned floor! Along with basic business, this show doesn’t understand basic continuity. They enter the store and find the bicycle missing.

Naturally Screech doesn’t want Mr. Belding to find out how incompetent he is so Screech decides to go make some fast money to replace the bicycle. Uh, so is Screech going to prostitute himself or sell drugs, because those are really the only way to make money fast enough to replace the bike without Mr. Belding finding out. God, please let it be selling drugs because I really don’t want a very special episode about Screech’s life as a sex worker.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h14m40s162

With R.J. in charge of keeping Mr. Belding’s attention away from the missing bicycle, R.J. does the logical thing and locks Mr. Belding in the storage room. Wow…I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared that R.J. did what Zack Morris never could: disposing of Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h15m24s91

At the Japanese restaurant, Justin apparently makes a good bus boy and decides that, since he’s acting like one of the gang, he wants to go out with them. Thus, a man in his mid-twenties asks Maria, a high school student, out on a date to see his new movie, and quickly flirts with Maria so the audience can lose their shit.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h15m53s125

Now this man has the best character name in the history of forever. This man is credited in the closing credits as “Mr. Owner.” Yes, no joke. This man’s name is Mr. Owner. Yes, The New Class is now getting their character names from the world of “too literal names” that PBS cartoons inhabit. He probably hangs out with Mr. Conductor and Barney the Dinosaur.

Anyway, Mr. Owner’s sole role is to introduce the new chef at the restaurant. My friends, I cannot believe what I have to critique. This is beyond fucking ridiculous. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h16m11s38

This is what happens when casual racism and not understanding the basics of business come together in one cluster fuck of idiocy. Yes, Screech’s idea to get quick money is to get another job. This is now officially the stupidest subplot in the history of this franchise. Getting another job means Screech has to wait a week to two weeks to receive his money on a paycheck! Is R.J. really going to keep Mr. Belding locked in a storage room that long? That’s actually kind of dark!

Also, being a chef at a Japanese restaurant, especially one selling sushi, means being very talented and practiced in the industry. It’s kind of insulting that Screech could come in off the street and become the new chef. Of course, it doesn’t surprise me that the writers of this show don’t understand Japanese food. It’s the latest in a long stream of things they don’t understand.
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Meanwhile, at the video store…

Wait a second, what the fuck? Lindsay works at a video store. Why the fuck are they selling Jazzmatazz, a real series of hip hop and jazz recordings from the mid-90s? Do…do the writers of this show not understand the difference between a video and a CD? Are they all completely brain dead?

I haven’t been able to say this nearly as much this season, so here goes: OH MY FUCKING GOD I HATE THIS SHOW!

Ah, that feels cathartic!

Anyway, the video store’s owner, Mr. Moody, fires Lindsay for leaving the store unintended. Turns out Rachel decided to go shopping rather than watch the store, which is why real businesses don’t allow their employees to just randomly hire replacements for themselves. Meanwhile, Screech comes in and gets another part time job at the video store. Do the writers for this show think that stores pay employees out of the cash register at the end of the day?vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h18m05s155

At the movie theater, Maria’s super excited to be on a date with another guy way too old for her, and she has to cover her lady boner with that pop corn. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h19m16s89

Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel commiserate over how huge of dumb asses they are, and Tommy D, the ultimate dumb ass of the group, joins them. Screech comes in and shines a flashlight randomly in lots of people’s faces since he’s gained yet another job, and tries to hawk videos and “sushi popcorn,” because, if Lindsay got fired for leaving the video store unattended, it makes complete sense that Screech could be three places at once.
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Screech finally returns to the sports store and finds out about R.J. locking Mr. Belding in the storage room. Screech puts the lotion in the bucket and then Mr. Belding puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Screech lets Mr. Belding out of the room and, as you can see, he’s quite terrified of the monster he’s discovered in the store.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h20m43s210

After the movie, Maria and Justin talk really loudly in the middle of the mall about their date and who Justin really is, since the best way to keep people from knowing who you are if you’re a celebrity is to stand in the middle of a mall and declare your identity for all the world to hear. Justin kisses Maria, causing the audience to lose its shit again, and, as they walk away, we see Ryan was standing nearby and heard the entire thing.

After a commercial break, Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel return to the video store where Ryan tells the girls that “Tim Pura” is not who they think he is. Of course, Ryan wants to use Justin’s identity to get Lindsay her job back because he’s a piece of shit. He convinces Mr. Moody that, if they can get a celebrity to visit the video store, he’ll rehire Lindsay, because leaving a store unattended is totally forgivable if you know famous people.

Screech has had thirteen jobs since yesterday, all of which apparently pay him under the table in cash. Uh, the IRS is going to come in and shut down this entire mall at this rate! Yet, he doesn’t have enough money to buy another bike because…plot? I don’t know! None of this shit makes any sense. It’s like it was written by a guy who wrote some of the worst episodes of the original Saved by the Bell, like “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind,” “Running Zack,” “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” “The Last Dance,” and “The Surgery.” Oh, wait, it seems like that because it was! Oh, Jeffrey J. Sachs, you give me no faith in your ability to craft a coherent story!

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Screech sees a security guard with the bicycle and naturally assumes that the guard stole the bike, because that makes complete sense. Screech and R.J. try to assault the guard and finally has to tell the truth about his incompetence. Mr. Belding says that Screech should have told the truth since it’s kind of hard to go lower than complete idiocy in his book and this subplot finally ends.

At the Japanese restaurant, Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel come in and invite Maria and Justin to a party at the video store. Maria tells Justin she’ll meet him at the party after she changes because, unlike video stores, Japanese restaurants can easily be left unattended.

Outside the video store, Maria finds Tommy D painting a sign that says, “Welcome Justin.” Tommy D, being almost as big an idiot as Screech, doesn’t know whether “Wells” has two or three l’s, so he asks Maria. Maria threatens to kick the shit out of Tommy D if he doesn’t tell her what’s going on, and Tommy D tells her that he was asked to paint a sign welcoming Justin as the video store’s celebrity guest. Maria decides there’s only one person assholish enough to do something like this, and goes to find and kill Ryan, sign in hand.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h25m54s243Maria confront Ryan and tells him how much of a selfish prick he is for only thinking about himself and how he’s hit a new low for this show. Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel quickly see the light of reason and decide they have to stop this before it happens. Justin chooses that moment to get off the elevator, while Screech and R.J. talk about how Mr. Moody one the jelly bean contest. Ryan points at Screech and R.J. and says that they’re the mystery guest, Bob Saget from America’s Funniest Home Videos, and all the shoppers in front of the video store run to mob Bob Saget. One, uh, no. The shoppers of this mall have to be complete morons when they chase after Screech and R.J. beleiving them to be Bob Saget. Two, Full House was at the height of its popularity around this time. Where they afraid that, if they mentions Bob Saget as being from Full House, people would realize that, while Full House sucks ass, it’s a hundred times better show than The New Class?

Anyway, Justin tells Maria he has to go to New York for an acting gig and they part with a sad goodbye. Justin promises that, if the writers of this show remember he exists, he’ll come back and visit. They kiss, Justin leaves, and the gang comfort her while Maria exposits the moral of the episode: that movie stars have tough lives. Nice moral message there, guys. And our episode ends with Tommy D running in to show off that he got Bob Saget’s autograph because the pain fumes he sniffs are fast eating away at whatever little mind he has left.

5 responses to “The New Class Season 3, Episode 7: “Maria’s Movie Star”

  1. Am i to assume to Moodys Store For Men closed down and then Moody opened up a video store? lol

  2. I agree. Even a teenage should know you cannot just ask anyone to take your place at work. I’d fire her too!

  3. Laura just wanted a jacket, mr moody was so mean.

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