The College Years Episode 12: “Teacher’s Pet”

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In the cold opening, Professor Lasky introduces us to our very special guest star, a chimp owned, for some reason, by the archaeology department. See, the writers of The College Years don’t seem to know the difference between archaeology and anthropology so they’ve decided to do what they do best: pull shit out of their asses.

The chimp’s name is Lucy and Lasky says they’re trying to teach it sign language but failing miserably. Maybe that’s because you’re a fucking anthropology department! God, did they look at National Geographic specials on Jane Goodall and think, “Gee, she really is a good archaeologist? Is that what she is? Yeah, that sounds plausible!” There is a good part, though, as the sight of a monkey causes Alex to run off stage in hysterics, since getting Alex off the set is always a positive accomplishment for this series.

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Naturally, who should start bonding with Lucy but Screech. After all, with Alex gone, Screech is the only cast member in the room stupider than the chimp. Lasky says they’re thinking of giving her to the zoo because a bunch of archaeologists, for some strange reason, can’t figure out how to get a chimp to sign. Lucy signs for Screech, but Lasky won’t believe him because he’s figured out by now Screech is a complete dumb ass. Screech puts Lucy in her cage sadly, for some reason upset at the life of being well taken care of a zoo would provide.

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While Screech is busy obsessing over a chimp, Zack Morris obsesses over Kelly. See, it turns out they’ve been going out a lot off camera despite the lack of actually showing us this, and he says he thinks he’s found the girl of his dreams, again. The whole Zack Morris and Kelly getting back together thing is really being forced down our throats I have to say.

Of note here is that Patrick Fabian has an “Also Starring” credit beginning with this episode, something he didn’t have in his previous two appearances. I have to assume this means they were planning on doing more with Lasky though, after the story line they’re throwing at him beginning this  week, I have no idea how he could have been taken very seriously as a person for the gang to look up to.

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After the credits, Zack Morris tells Kelly that he’s cooking dinner tomorrow night and, though she’s initially skeptical given that this is not a trait he’s ever displayed before, she remembers that the writers of this franchise tend to shoe horn in shit as needed so she agrees.

After Zack Morris leaves, Kelly asks Lasky if she can talk to him about her term paper. He tells her to come by his office around 3:00 and she seems to have trouble understanding that professors have offices.

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Lucky, by next scene, she resolves her mental dilemma and catches Lasky as he’s having a nervous breakdown, crouched on his desk imitating the Big Bad Wolf from the Three Little Pigs story.

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No, that might actually be interesting. Instead, we find that Lasky’s ex-wife has suddenly and without warning had to leave town so he has his daughter, Abby, and since he lives out of his office for some reason, they’re making themselves at home. Thankfully, they got a child actress who’s a marginally better performer than the Olson twins, but it’s still painful. In any case, she immediately starts sucking up to Kelly because that’s Abby’s entire personality and when Lasky is about to cancel an adult ed class he apparently teaches so he can be with her, Kelly offers to babysit, which Lasky relents to in order to further the plot.

Also, we find out that Kelly has a niece old enough to be starting kindergarten, though wasn’t she supposed to be the oldest child at one point? I’m honestly wondering i the writers mixed Kelly and Tori up in a weird drunken stupor.

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Back at the suite, Zack Morris cooks dinner as he tells Slater he’s planning on asking Kelly to go steady with him since he’s still into stupid high school bull shit. Slater’s disturbed as this means Alex might want to go steady as well which would mean he might get stuck with the second biggest idiot on the show for the rest of the series.

Zack Morris says that, though he’s dated other girls since Kelly, none of them have compared to Kelly. That must be comfort to Stacey, Tori, and Andrea. In fact, didn’t Zack Morris tell Slater the exact same thing about Andrea? He really is bipolar when it comes to getting laid, isn’t he? It’s nice to see he’s over Leslie as well, though Leslie doesn’t seem to be upset about losing her only purpose on the show: to be Zack Morris’s love interest.

You know, some episodes it seems like they’re really struggling to find ways to put Mike in the episode. This episode, it’s that he’s having allergy problems because someone brought a cat into the dorms and he needs some of Screech’s allergy medicine. No, really, that’s Mike’s only subplot this episode. Is there a reason he’s on this show at this point?

Kelly starts to rush out to babysit, having forgotten about dinner. We finally get to Zack Morris asking Kelly to go steady. She says she can’t because the writers want to draw out their relationship a bit so they’re putting in another contrived relationship, and Kelly leaves to babysit.

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After a commercial break, Zack Morris suspects everyone of dating Kelly and really becomes obsessive. No, really, why is he so concerned about who Kelly’s dating? Is he going to murder them and take Kelly back for himself?

Screech comes in and finds the damned chimp followed him back home. Yes, this is Screech’s subplot.

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But it’s still the coolest chimp ever as it jumps in Alex’s arms and freaks her out. Unfortunately, she’s soon singing a a Whitney Houston song, which she need never do again on penalty of me ripping her voice box out.

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Kelly reveals to Leslie and Alex that she bought Yacht Club cologne for a mystery guy she’s after. This leads to Alex telling this to Slater and Slater telling Zack Morris. What’s Zack Morris’s reaction?

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Why, to wander around campus sniffing guys of course. No, really, this is what he does, hoping to figure out who Kelly’s dating, and I have no idea why none of these men call the police. Several want to murder Zack Morris and at least one wants to date him but he’s no closer to figuring out something that’s really none of his business. Zack Morris wonders if babysitting for Lasky is really a cover so he rushes over to see if he can catch her not there.

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In Lasky’s office, Abby has Kelly and Lasky play mom and dad with her and even makes them kiss goodbye when he leaves. It’s okay, though. Lasky can just tell the chancellor that his five year old daughter wanted him to kiss one of his students.

Zack Morris runs into Lasky and finds out Kelly’s really babysitting. He smells Lasky’s cologne and realizes who the mystery man really is.

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After a class full of a rousing lecture on chip stone tools, we find out Kelly’s going to dinner with Lasky and Abby so Zack Morris tells Lasky that Kelly loves him. He promises to talk to her tonight as if it’s any of Zack Morris’s business.

Back at the suite, Kelly’s trying to look older for Lasky.

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Meanwhile…we’re dressing up with the damned chimp. For fuck’s sake. Mike comes in and finds the chimp and then Lasky comes in and says it’s his, sees it sign to Screech, and says they won’t send it to the zoo on the condition Screech work with it to learn new signs. Of course, I can’t help but wonder if the chimp got sick of Screech and had him transferred back to Bayside to get him the hell away from him and back in Mr. Belding’s hair.

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Lasky tries to talk to Kelly and tells her how inappropriate a relationship would be and shit. Kelly tells him that she really loves him and, besides, she has a history of inappropriate, boundary crossing relationships, including her boss and her grandfather’s lawyer, so he’ll just be the latest in a long line. Lasky tries to resist the urge but plot contrivance says he can’t resist the power of bad writing.

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And our episode ends with a contrived kiss between Lasky and Kelly as Zack Morris catches them and the words “To be continued” flash across the screen. Well, that progressed fast but what else did I expect from this franchise?

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During the credits, Zack Morris and Kelly loose it on several takes talking about the chimp, because that was such a hilarious subplot.

Firsts: Kelly and Lasky date.

6 responses to “The College Years Episode 12: “Teacher’s Pet”

  1. ILovedKellyKapowski

    Um, so just a few episodes ago, in “Professor Zack”, Lasky tells Zack Morris it’s unethical for a student to date a professor, and through mistaken identity, almost gets fired himself even though he didn’t do anything on that occasion.

    Now, Lasky throws his ethics out the window, and willingly risks his job and career to be with Kelly, even after experiencing first-hand what could happen.

    Is Lasky really this stupid, or does he suffer from convenient amnesia?

  2. Lasky presumably thought he’d found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It may not have worked out but he must surely know enough about love to shoot down Kelly’s idea that she loved him. Together with the unwarranted gift buying that’s a couple of real red flags considering they must have spent minutes alone in each other’s company,

  3. I find it odd that Lasky just went along with Kelly’s declaration of love as well. It makes sense for Kelly to say it, she’s 18/19, many girls do this, but Lasky is an older man, and like the person before me said was married and had a kid and got divorced.. it doesn’t make sense.

    • Yeah it’s obviously a crush – he has nothing to lose calling her out on that fact. He’s clearly on to a sure thing anyway, he needs to keep Kelly on side, there’s no advantage in leading her on.

      Best case scenario – Kelly’s the One and they live happily ever after – one day’s he telling their kids, “Your mother knew it was love right from the start.”

  4. It seems Kelly kept her expensive jacket.

    Yeah, that was the thing that stood up to me.

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