The College Years Episode 13: “Kelly and the Professor”

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The cold opening consists of Zack Morris recapping the events of last week’s episode, just in case you forgot why you’re still watching this show.

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After the credits, we jump right in with Zack Morris revealing to Kelly he knows Kelly kissed Lasky. She gets mad that he was spying on her but immediately dialogues about how in love with Lasky she is. Seriously, I’m not sure why any of this is such a shock to Zack Morris. This is the third time she’s gone for an older guy and the first it’s not statutory rape. Kelly swears Zack Morris to secrecy and he promises because he wants to impress Kelly with how he can bring this back in later.

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In the student union, Kelly and Alex introduce this week’s plot contrivance, their sorority’s annual masquerade ball. And, yes, Slater mentions the time he danced with Screech at a masquerade ball. Gee, I think the writers must have eaten a big, fat helping of continuity this week! Go figure!  And it makes the Toriverse theory even more complicated. In any case, none of the others want to go but they threaten to show off underwear to everyone unless they buy a ticket so they give in.

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Since Mike needs something to do, he has a subplot involving doing compatibility tests for a psychology class. Supposedly, this test will help Slater, Screech, Leslie, and Alex see who their perfect mates are. I hope there isn’t a predictable subplot involving contrived conflict

Oh, yay, it starts almost immediately as Slater finds his answers are more in line with Leslie while Alex’s are more in line with Screech. Surprise that the second biggest dumb ass on the show is similar to the biggest.  Interesting enough after the hissy fit Slater made about posing shirtless a few weeks ago, he says the first thing he looks for in a girl is how she looks in a swim suit. Hypocrisy, thy name is Saved by the Bell.

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In Lasky’s office, Lasky’s had a stroke of professional morals and tries to tell Kelly that he can’t date her while she’s a professor. Kelly says that she doesn’t want to hurt Lasky’s career so she’s dropped his class and says they’ll be discreet in their relationship.

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They then kiss so the audience has a chance to envy what it’s like to be touched by a real woman.

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In class, the gang not in the know about this week’s plot try to figure out why Kelly dropped the class. Zack Morris comes in and, finding out what happened, loudly outs Lasky as dating Kelly. We cut to commercial break in complete silence as the audience tries to figure out how they’re supposed to feel about this since they’re usually expected to believe Zack Morris isn’t a sociopathic jackass who constantly breaks his promises. 

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After the break, Leslie and Alex obsess over Kelly’s sex life as Slater spouts random sexist stereotypes. So, the usual Saved by the Bell bullshit I take it.

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Mike brings the results of the compatibility tests. Predictably, Slater and Leslie are matches, as are Screech and Alex. Alex runs away in abject terror as she begins to realize just how much she sucks as a character and no one likes her. After all, she is the character closest to Screech, which says a lot about why people try to forget she was ever part of this franchise.

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At the student union, Kelly and Lasky come in after a roller blading date and are quickly uncomfortable by how much everyone’s up in their business, probably because this is the only student union on the planet that never sees any faculty or staff besides Mike.  Unbeknownst to them, Zack Morris and Screech spy from a distance, Zack Morris becoming uncomfortably obsessed with Kelly’s love life and proving he didn’t learn a damn think from the whole Jeff Hunter thing. At least he had a good motivation to be obsessed over that one!

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Zack Morris sends Screech to look up women’s skirts and finds out that Kelly’s asking Lasky to the masquerade ball, but Lasky seems uncomfortable with the whole situation.

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Back at the suite, Alex dances around dressed as Tinkerbell and throwing glitter at Slater. So, a typical Saturday night for Alex. Slater’s upset when Alex suggests he dress as Peter Pan since he’d been planning on going as Tarzan. She goes into full hissy fit mode when she finds Leslie’s dressing as Jane and Screech as Peter Pan, because all of that proves that Mike’s compatibility test results were accurate, naturally.

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Lasky shows up looking for Kelly and Zack Morris meddles some more in their relationship, proving once again he has a future in spousal abuse. Zack Morris’s meddling is enough to convince Lasky to go to the masquerade ball with Kelly because he wants everyone to see them all of a sudden.

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In the boy’s room, Slater asks Screech to switch costumes with him so he can end this stupid subplot with Alex which means…we have to see Screech in a loin cloth. Why does the universe hate me so that it inflicts me with this bull shit?

Meanwhile, Zack Morris found out Lasky is dressing as Zorro so he’s going to wear the same costume and trick Kelly into a sexual encounter.

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At the masquerade ball, Slater finds out that Leslie and Alex switched costumes as well because they’re all in sync and shit. Why won’t this subplot end?!?!

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Zack Morris sends Screech to distract Lasky with his loincloth. I keep waiting to see Lasky vomit in the punch bowl over this horrible fate that’s befallen him and me.

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While Lasky’s busy trying to keep his dinner down, Zack Morris swoops in and tricks Kelly into kissing him, an act that a season three episode of The New Class will point out is sexual assault, but it’s Zack Morris doing it so it’s completely okay! Lasky catches them as Zack Morris reveals it’s him. Kelly, naturally, mildly tells off Zack Morris. Oh, yeah, she’s supposed to be pissed off at Zack Morris for outing her relationship with Lasky earlier, though we never see this. I’m pretty sure this is a cut scene, which leads me to believe those who cut the episode are incompetent since it would have made a lot more sense to cut something from the subplot than an integral part of the main plot.

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Kelly finds Lasky outside and he says he’s breaking up with her because he realized he wasn’t jealous seeing Zack Morris manhandle his girlfriend. Lasky actually acts rather maturely and Kelly responds as you would expect: by pushing Lasky over a wall. The moral: no one should ever break up with you for any reason. Your first relationship is the one you will be in forever, and, if your significant other doesn’t see it that way, they’re just a jerk.

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Back at the suite, we finally resolve the subplot, we finally resolve the whole subplot with Screech being the voice of reason, pointing out how much they like each other. How humiliating when Screech has more common sense than other characters.

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Zack Morris apologizes to Kelly for being way too creepy in trying to get together with Kelly. He comforts her about Lasky and immediately tries to hone in on Kelly. Kelly says they have a few more episodes so she wants to draw this whole thing out as long as possible. Zack Morris pretends to be okay with being her friend.

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But our episode ends with Zack Morris declaring he will get Kelly before the series ends as a dalmatian head looks on. Part of me would like to see that dalmatian come to life and bite Zack Morris in the ass. That would be so much more emotionally satisfying than this sudden, forced romance between Zack Morris and Kelly is turning out to be.

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During the credits, Zack Morris practices a bad impersonation of a Latino person, because Slater’s heritage plot earlier in the season didn’t set back Latino rights enough decades. Fortunately, for us, Zack Morris has trouble keeping his sword up.

2 responses to “The College Years Episode 13: “Kelly and the Professor”

  1. Just how many multiple choice questions was Mike supposed to have squeezed onto a single side of A4 paper?

    As much as I love a good coincidence, why would Leslie have picked out one half of a couples’ costume? She had free rein but went with the half-finished cavegirl costume.

  2. I think that this was just another instance of Kelly succumbing to lust and mistaking it for love. Honestly, Lasky just ain’t the lovable of a guy, but I’m pretty that Kelly got her rocks off with him, so that counts for something.

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