We open in the hallway, where, via the power of exposition, we find out the Bayside formal is coming up. Ryan and Nicky have a well-rehearsed speech to Liz about how they both want to go to the formal with her but will understand no matter who she picks. Remember this. It will be completely forgotten by the end of the episode.
Maria asks Liz who she’ll pick and Liz reveals that she likes Ryan more, surprising absolutely no one.
Meanwhile, a couple guys who look too old to go to Bayside ask Maria and Katie to the formal and they’re all, “Sorry, you two suck ass too much to take us!” See, their subplot this episode is that they’re planing the formal so they need the perfect dates or else they’ll look like shit which, once again, I’m wondering whether the writers have any clue how teenagers actually think. No one who’s not a walking, talking caricature has ever thought like this!
But, don’t worry, a girl comes around and instantly gives Eric a date, but we won’t see her again the rest of the series because, well, Eric’s not allowed to have a relationship that lasts more than an episode. And just a note for those of you who have been keeping racial tabs on Eric’s dates in the comments: this week she’s Asian.
Screech acts like his usual dumbass self by taking the classified section of Mr. Belding’s paper and turning it into a hat. Turns out Mr. Belding needed the classfieds because he’s selling his old car and wanted to check the ad. This practically gives Screech an orgasm as he’s hoping Mr. Belding jacked off in the back seat so Screech might be able to fulfill some fantasies there. No joke, Screech says he wants to buy Mr. Belding’s car because then he’ll always have a little piece of Mr. Belding. God, if Screech was any creepier, Mr. Belding and Lisa would need to be in the witness protection program.
In any case, Mr. Belding tells Screech he doesn’t want to sell the car to someone he knows since he’s selling it “as is” and it needs a lot of work. I really don’t see why knowing someone would have anything to do with it as long as you fully disclose, but maybe Mr .Belding just knows Screech will do something idiotic.
In some sort of unspecified class where one crazy student wants to do a report on attacking raccoons, Ryan and Liz both want to do a report on why we need the rain forest. Since we need some conflict this episode, the teacher assigns Ryan and Liz to do a report together, because that makes complete sense if the original assignment was an individual report.
In the hallway, Eric tells Maria and Katie that two of his football friends, no doubt still students at Bayside well into their twenties because of their proficiency in football, are planning on asking them to the formal. Maria and Katie practically lose their shit over this news as they want these two guys really bad and might get laid and shit.
And Ryan and Liz fight over whether to do their report on the internet or at the library. Oh, come on, late ’90s internet would have been a bunch of horribly designed Geocities sites with questionable accuracy. This was even before Wikipedia! But they plan to meet at The Max and discuss the issue.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech answers a call from someone interested in the call. He makes a bunch of shit up so the guy won’t want to buy the car and then tells Mr. Belding no one’s called about the car because he’s a piece of shit.
Screech rushes out to the hallway and does the worst impression of a British woman I’ve ever heard in my life, hoping to trick Mr. Belding into selling him the car since, in the Saved by the Bell universe, one doesn’t have to use a legal name to transfer a title. Since it’s convenient to the plot, Mr. Belding almost instantly realizes it’s Screech. Mr. Belding finally breaks down and sells him the damned car but tells him he better not come up with any bull shit the rest of the episode.
At The Max, Maria and Katie continue to turn down dates waiting for the football players to ask them out. They’re confused, though, when the football players come in and practically ignore Maria and Katie, focusing all their affection on Eric. I guess they actually have a thing for Eric, which would make for an uncharacteristically interesting episode.
Ryan and Liz continue to fight over the report after Ryan starts writing the report without her, pissed that he’d dare break open an encyclopedia. She decides Ryan is stupid and shit now and asks Nicky out to the dance instead of Ryan because it’s convenient to have a back-up plan.
After a commercial break, Maria and Katie are surprised to learn Liz is going with Nicky. She’s all, “Ryan’s tripping and shit so I went with plan B!” Maria and Katie are nervous about Liz messing with the feelings of their mutual ex-boyfriend, and hope this won’t turn into some cliched hurt feelings episode.
Maria and Katie find out their dream guys are going to the dance with two other girls named Maria and Katie so they’re ready to crush Eric over their lack of upcoming orgasms. With the formal tomorrow, they have to hurry and find a date or else they’ll look like huges bitches for turning down so many dates.
And, to top off this mess of an episode, Screech is pissed that Mr. Belding’s car has issues and tells Eric he was pressured into buying it, despite the fact that Screech wouldn’t leave Mr .Belding the hell alone until he sold the car to him. I’m officially convinced: Mr. Belding just didn’t want to sell the car to Screech because he knew some stupid shit like this would happen. Screech decides it’s time to trick Mr. Belding into buying the car back.
He does this by reminding Mr. Belding of all the fun he had in the car with Mrs. Belding and Little Zack, but especially Mrs. Belding. Of course, being the Saved by the Bell universe, the plan works, and Mr. Belding decides to buy back a car that’s falling apart.
As soon as Mr. Belding leaves, Screech takes a car from a producer who wants to blow the car up in a film. She offers to pay three times what Mr. Belding was asking so Screech says fuck giving the car back to Mr. Belding and agrees to the deal.
At The Max, Maria and Katie hound Eric about their stupid subplot. It turns out that Eric’s date didn’t even last an episode and cancelled on him, so the two start fighting over who gets to take Eric to the dance. Maria says she has a plan so they can both take him to the dance.
And Ryan apologizes for his sin of using encyclopedias as Liz apologizes for loving late nineties internet. They practically tell each other they love one another and Ryan says he’s not going to the dance but Nicky’s super excited.
At the dance, Nicky reiterates that he’s super excited to be at the dance with Liz, but she’s about as excited as I was when I found out that this series was on for seven seasons.
Screech realizes how much the car suddenly means to Mr. Belding and, hearing Little Zack’s been asking about it, rushes off to try to save it.
We find out Maria’s plan: for Eric to run to the bathroom every few minutes to don a really bad wig that looks like a cross between Milli Vanilli and Prince and pretend to be Eric’s cousin. Naturally, bad wigs full everyone in the Saved by the Bell since it’s convenient to the plot.
Nicky takes Liz outside for some hot fucking, but she’s still not interested in helping Nicky date all the women in the cast, and runs off when he tries to kiss her.
We find out The Max stayed open just so Ryan can come comfort Liz over her confusion. She tells Ryan she wants them to date and shit, but she hasn’t told Nicky yet. She says it was a mistake to date two brothers at once, apparently under the mistaken impression she’s still in last week’s episode. I call fucking bull shit. Ryan and Nicky have made it crystal clear they would accept whoever Liz choose. It was Liz’s pettiness that led to this outcome, not the fact Ryan and Nicky are brothers.
Back at the dance, Eric loses his wig and everyone points and laughs at Maria and Katie. What a thrilling end to that subplot.
And Screech tells Mr. Belding the truth about the car after he wasn’t able to save it. Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s disappointed in him and that’s the end of that stupid creepy ass subplot.
Liz returns and tells Nicky the truth: that she was a petty asshole who only asked him to the dance to get back at Ryan for other petty bullshit. Nicky says he’s okay but, after Liz leaves, he throws his boutonnière away, and the episode ends with a fade to black, implying we still haven’t seen the end of this running plot. Well, of course, unless the reset button gets pressed and Nicky forgets all about Liz by next week, which is equally probable given the way this franchise does things.