The New Class Season 5, Episode 25: “Mission: Control”

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We open at the wilderness lodge to discover that Ryan’s sudden instinct that he broke his leg last week was correct. I guess, after the Habitat for Humanity episodes, I should just be thankful the writers don’t think bones heal in a week. The rest of the gang return after a rafting trip and can barely contain their excitement at how awesome everything is. Ryan’s sad he couldn’t make it and wants to go for a hike, but Liz is all, “You can’t hike ten miles on a broken leg, idiot!” Liz says she’ll stay behind with him and this gets Ryan excited he may get pity sex, but Liz says they’ll pass the time with a hot game of strip Monopoly instead!

A better question is why Ryan wasn’t sent home if he broke his leg? I mean, they had to go to a hospital to get it cast and, being a minor, he had to have parental consent, so why didn’t his parents just take him home? But i guess that would make too much fucking sense and be way too medically sound!

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Screech and Shelly bring in Mr. Belding, who didn’t enjoy the rafting trip nearly as much as his students. He’s decided he’s done with this shit and he’s going to go bird watching instead. Screech starts to make fun of him for wanting to go bird watching but Mr. Belding’s all, “It’s better than your compulsive masturbation while watching reruns of Power Rangers!”

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And, the fuck out of nowhere, we get an indication that Nicky and Katie like each other again. It’s a good thing the writers on this show don’t have to worry about stupid things like foreshadowing and shit or they’d be in over their heads!

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Screech joins Mr. Belding for his bird watching so he can get more alone time with his secret gay crush and the two hear the call of a “yellow-billed hooting crane,” one of the rarest breeds of bird because it doesn’t actually exist. It apparently has a call that sounds like a donkey in pain, and Mr. Belding decides he needs to get a picture of it so he can be in science and nature magazines. Screech decides they should both get credit because he wants the world to know about his love for Mr. Belding!

Meanwhile, Shelly, the gang, and assembled extras hike to the same exact spot the gang camped out at last week since they didn’t want to have to build another set. They find the path littered with tree branch props since the hired help didn’t clean up after their prop fight and decide they need to clean it up. Nicky and Katie go to the path above to check it for debris and get a little something, something, and Eric does his best impersonation of the studio audience for this show as he realizes their forced romance is back on.

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Yes, they get up to the top, Katie tickles Nicky with tree branches, and they kiss, sending the audience into a tizzy for Team Kicky!

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Back at Cafe Grizzly, Ryan and Liz continue their rousing game of Monopoly as the rest of the gang come in and declare they were held up by Nicky and Katie fucking in the bushes. Liz pawns Eric off on Ryan so she can go off and hear the hot gossip!

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After Liz gives a recap of how Katie and Nicky broke up last season in case you don’t remember the awful, forced romance with Maria, Katie admits that it looks like she’ll be getting back together with Nicky for the final two seasons, but she learned her lesson from last time and she’s not letting Nicky out of her sight this time!

But there are more important things, like Eric’s pissed at Ryan for cheating at Monopoly!

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Meanwhile, Nicky and Katie return, having watched the sunrise together. Katie starts smothering Nicky with stupid little homemade presents like a framed picture of them on the raffle trip and a key chain made out of the twig she tickled him with. Maria watches all this and asks Katie what the fuck is up with her. Katie says she wants to make sure Nicky is always thinking of her and won’t go kissing Maria again and shit, but Maria’s all, “This is dumb as shit, even by this show’s standards.”

Really, the way they’re playing Katie this episode is completely out of character for her and really bad writing. I get that she’s scared of losing Nicky again, but this paranoid bull shit doesn’t feel right for her character at all.

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Mr. Belding and Screech arrive back after spending the night in a tree looking for their fake bird.  Yes, this was Screech’s idea and, of course, Mr. Belding went along with it because why the hell not? Mr. Belding says it’s hopeless as it’s mating season and the bird is probably searching for a mate, which gives Screech his weekly idea to humiliate Mr. Belding.

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Why, let’s hop around in stupid, unrealistic looking bird costumes because birds are fucking stupid and will want to mate with two very stupid looking men dressed in costumes that wouldn’t convince Mr. Magoo! Jesus, Mr. Belding has gone from the caring and compassionate school administrator to Screech’s bumbling sidekick. How humiliating for poor Dennis Haskins!

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Back at the lodge, Ryan wants to go on that evening’s overnight hike, but Liz reminds him that’s fucking stupid on a broken leg. She says she’ll stay with him again, but Nicky’s all, “I want some alone time with Ryan so I’ll do it this time!” This freaks Katie out because I guess she thinks Ryan and Nicky are going to fuck so she wants someone else to stay instead.  She says they should draw straws and whoever draws the short straw will stay with Ryan because it’s such a chore for someone to be with him. But, when no one’s looking, she breaks all four straws.

Eric picks first but he says that, since Katie knows which straw is the short straw, he should pick for her. Naturally, this means Katie stays behind, and she looks dejected as Nicky helps Shelly carry some shit and Maria comments on Nicky’s muscles because they’re all obviously going to have an orgy.

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Later, Katie sulks as she plays Monopoly with Ryan, obviously convinced that Nicky’s out there having orgies as she speaks. This sends her into full fantasy mode.

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And, in this fantasy, Nicky decides it was a mistake to break up with Maria.

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And Liz decides she picked the wrong brother, a helpful reminder that Nicky’s now dated the entire female cast this season.

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Even Shelly wants to get in on some statutory rape action!

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And, wouldn’t you know it, they all start an orgy with Nicky. Jesus, I was just kidding about that! My mind is warped from having watched five seasons of pure, unadulterated crap. I wonder what’s shaped her mind.

Katie immediately decides it’s time to go and catch Nicky in his orgy and insists on taking Ryan with her, though, you know, broken leg. I don’t get this. Why does she need Ryan with her? It’s not like he’s going to die if she’s not watching her. She was staying behind for company, not to be a babysitter.

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At the camp site, the remaining gang is busy watching the constellations and having a grand ‘ole time.

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That’s when their solitude is interrupted by two grown men in bird costumes who were attacked by coyotes because, you know, if a coyote attacked a human, all it would leave would be holes in the person’s clothes. As Mr. Belding and Screech leave to go back to the lodge, Shelly can’t believe she just saw that but Eric lets her know such stupidity is a regular occurrence on this show.

Nicky happens to fall in Maria and Liz’s lap while looking at constellations just as Katie comes around the bend with Ryan in tow. She accuses him of bullshit but he’s all, “This is stupid and we’re not getting back together if you’re going to follow me around wherever you go!” Also, I just noticed this is the exact same camp site from last week. I guess the gang must have really liked camping here.

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The next day, Eric’s the only member of the gang who will talk to Katie because he’s the only one not effected by this stupid plot. He tells her she needs to suck it up and not be psychotic to Nicky if she wants to date him. She doesn’t know, though, if she can not follow Nicky’s every move. I actually agree with Eric here, Yes, Nicky was a dick last season and Katie has every right not to date him again if she is unable to do so without being a complete and utter nut job.

Meanwhile, Liz and Maria tear Ryan a new one for going along with Katie’s stupidity. He’s all, “I can’t do anything on my broken leg but beat you all at Monopoly!” Maria tells him he hasn’t beat her and so the ultimate conclusion to the Monopoly subplot is on!

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The bird comes around again and Mr. Belding gets ready to try and get its photo. But Screech, like a complete idiot, breaks his camera. The two run off as coyotes howl in the distance.

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Maria beats Ryan at Monopoly four times in a row. How thrilling.

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And Mr. Belding says at least they got to see the bird, but Screech has photos of them in the bird costumes for the yearbook because he brought his camera and I guess had the coyotes take the pictures. But, if Screech had his camera, why didn’t he take a picture of the bird? God, I hate this stupid show!

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Katie apologizes to Shelly for being a psychopath the previous night and she accepts, assuring Katie she doesn’t follow the usual trope of enjoying underage sex on this show. Eric tells her there’s still one person to talk to…

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…and she goes over to apologize to Nicky. They decide maybe they should have talked about their trust issues as I yell, “No shit, Sherlock!” Nicky says they need trust and to take things slow, and our episode ends with them having a dance to take it slow, even though they’ve already been making out.

Well, this was better than last week’s episode, but that’s like saying the Cubs are a better baseball team than my town’s little league team: it doesn’t get them any closer to winning the championship.

4 responses to “The New Class Season 5, Episode 25: “Mission: Control”

  1. If memory serves me right wasn’t everyone annoyed that Katie brought Ryan with her? I agree though it makes no sense for her to take Ryan with her.

    Dennis Haskins complained in the E-True Hollywood Story about how he felt they were taking liberties with Mr. Belding. After this episode you have a pretty good example what he meant.

  2. The Cubs still have the best record in baseball right now and half he team is in the ASG. If the Royals can win a championship after 25 years of garbage so can the Cubs.

  3. “Well, this was better than last week’s episode, but that’s like saying the Cubs are a better baseball team than my town’s little league team: it doesn’t get them any closer to winning the championship.”

    Chris the Geek……what say you now?

    • Haha you can tell I wrote this before the World Series win, can’t you? I’m a loyal Cubs fan and, after that horrible first game, I was convinced they were going to, once again, mess it up.

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