We open with most of the gang bemoaning their gluttony and Nicky wanting to work out but Katie reminding him he let his membership expire. Maria points out she’s given free shit while Eric wants to give out free rats. Don’t worry: none of this has anything to do with the rest of the plot, but the writers just thought they would throw some preachy shit in for shits and giggles.
No, the real start of the plot is that Tony’s looking for a job. Yeah. Not even an explanation on how this one’s actually going to work, but I’ll get to that more in a few minutes. Also, apparently Petzilla may or may not sell poisonous snakes because it’s a great idea to sell deadly animals to people as pets. Come on, writers, I know you were going for a cheap laugh, but, if it’s something a five year old could figure out is wrong, maybe you should make your jokes more realistic.
In our subplot, Liz’s boss puts her in charge of…the mall walkers. Fucking hell, why do mall walkers need a babysitter? Are they from the Alzheimer’s unit of the nursing home or something? I don’t understand this subplot at all, and it won’t become any clearer the longer it goes on.
In our bumbling idiots subplot, Screech is suddenly shy around women despite the fact that, if anything, he’s always been overconfident and in contradiction to the fact that he’s dated multiple women on this show, starting with his second fucking episode! But, no, we need something stupid for our adults to do, so Mr. Belding decides to set Screech up with yet another pretty girl who is way outside Screech’s league. This one is a customer at Gadgets and Gizmos named Kathleen who seems a bit creeped out by Mr. Belding but sticks around because the plot tells her to. But Screech is unable to ask her out, freezes up, and says the pretty girl made him wet his pants.
Also, apparently the pretty girl is a shoplifter because Mr. Belding and Screech are standing at the cash registers at this point and she totally doesn’t pay for the shoes Screech was just helping her try on. So far, this episode is feeling even more phoned in than usual.
At the movie theater, Nicky finds out he’s being promoted to weekend manager…again. The old weekend manager quit, which means Nicky gets to start the job immediately without even being an option of declining the promotion. As his first action, he hires Tony to replace him as an usher because Tony is all, “TONY USHER AS GOOD AS TONY ACTS!”
Now I need someone to explain to me how Tony will juggle his two jobs, school, position as quarterback on the football team, his relationship with Maria, and whatever other shit this show decides to get him involved in before the end of next season. Seriously, I need to know who the dumb asses are who seem to have no concept of the fact there are only twenty-four hours in one day. Maybe the sleep deprivation episode should have been about Tony.
Meanwhile, the mall walkers think Liz sucks ass so, as soon as her back is turned to them, they run away from her as fast as possible. This means that she has to spend the rest of the episode finding them because I guess grown ass women can’t do shit for themselves. Good thing Maria isn’t doing anything else this episode so she goes to help Liz find where they’ve gone, because they obviously have to still be in the mall and couldn’t have left.
Screech asks Kathleen to lunch and she says yes so he celebrates this as a win given that he never gets to date pretty women on this show.
And Katie congratulates Nicky on his promotion while Eric takes advantage of the awkward moment to give Tony some lovin’, because I guess his type is bad actors. Nicky says this means he gets to let all hi friends into the movies for free and, given Katie is taking over the role of mothering nagger, she’s all, “Responsibility and shit,” but he’s all, “I know what I’m doing!”
At the theater, Nicky and Tony are enjoying their new job so much they let a ton of people in for free. But their boss comes back and discovers there have only been three tickets sold all day, so, since Nicky’s a complete dumb ass and didn’t think that this may be an issue, he has to think of a plan to keep her from discovering everyone in the theater. How is he going to do this, you ask?
Why, he’s going to make the popcorn machine explode so that, while she’s trying to fix it, he sneaks everyone out the fire exit. After seeing how their popcorn machine works, I’m not sure I want to get any concessions from this theater. Whatever happened to the good old days when one of Mr. Belding’s many failed businesses provided yogurt for the theater?
Liz’s boss comes looking for the mall walkers and she’s all, “They’re in the bathroom.” He walks away, thus making this subplot, once again, meaningless.
At Gadgets and Gizmos, Mr. Belding teaches Screech how to do a terrifying puppy dog face to make Kathleen want to give him some poon tang.
Naturally, this leads Kathleen to the same question I had: whether Screech is about to throw up or not. After he basically high fives Mr. Belding and says he’s getting some tonight right in front of Kathleen, she says she’s sick of being the latest stupid pretty girl who thinks there’s something attractive about Screech and runs off.
Nicky and Tony relate their close encounter with unemployment to Katie and she gets preachy again for a minute. He’s all, “Nothing could possibly go wrong at the sneak preview tonight because lots of people are going to be there,” so he tells Eric his plan to let him and some extras in for free is a go.
But it turns out that half of Bayside’s extras want in, including this guy who Nicky doesn’t even know, but the guy tells Nicky that his dad, the director, let him in. No, seriously, this is Miguel Higuera’s son, Ethan. I guess it’s a good thing because his acting sure isn’t getting him a job anytime soon. Even worse than Tony’s.
So, yeah, the sneak preview is sold out, meaning some customers don’t have seats and come out to complain. They rush off to another theater without even demanding a refund, and Nicky tells his boss, “We just wanted to give our friends shit for free! What’s wrong with that?” She tells him he’s an idiot and is fired and to take his little blonde bad acting friend with him.
Yeah, Nicky has to be the stupidest person on the face of the planet at this point to sell every ticket in addition to letting a bunch of people in.
The mall walkers subplot is now in full ridiculous mode as Liz and Maria stayed the entire night in the mall looking for the women because I guess these women have ankle bracelets that won’t let them leave the fucking mall.
They show up, saying they had a slumber party in some random department store’s bedding department, and I’m guessing this is official proof the writers have no clue how shopping malls, in addition to high schools, work. Liz says she’s sorry for treating three grown ass women like children and says she promises to plan fun activities for them and shit. Um, they’re fucking mall walkers. Here’s an idea: LET’S LET THEM WALK THE FUCKING MALL!
Katie gets to gloat in her “I told you so,” moment as Nicky laments that he acted almost as big a moron as Screech this episode. Nicky says he has three minutes left in this episode and wants to make it up to the manager who just fired him for being a dumb ass, and gets an idea how to fill up the other theater, which is showing a bad film.
Mr. Belding apologizes to Screech for giving him bad advice that Screech would inevitably interpret to make even worse, and Screech decides it’s time for Kathleen to meet the real him, which I’m sure is going to make her run far, far away. He passes by Nicky and Tony passing out fliers for the movie, which instantly makes everyone, including Screech, want to see it because we’ve only got two minutes left in this episode and we’ve got to resolve it fast.
At the theater, Screech apologizes to Kathleen for being a complete fuck up and she says she’s glad she’ll never appear on this show again, like most of Screech’s love interests.
The manager is shocked Nicky and Tony were able to fill up the theater and he tells her how sorry he is that he’s an idiot and he’s learned the very valuable lesson he’s sure that all kids tune in for: that giving away shit for free on the job is wrong. The manager says that, since the writers don’t understand how theft of services work, she’s going to give Nicky his job back, and Nicky gives Tony his job back. And our episode ends the reset button pressed as it hurts my brain how much nobody working for this show understands how anything works! Seriously, have these writers never had any real world experience? Nicky’s lucky she didn’t call the police or press charges against him for loss of ticket sales! But this is the franchise that thinks doing caffeine pills is on par with cocaine so I don’t know why I expect any different.