We’re back to one of the staples of this show, fundraising episodes! Yay, I missed them so much when they were only marginally used in season five. I hope we can see a stupidly themed dance to go along with it that makes me think no one involved has any common sense.
We open in the hallway with Eric interviewing Liz and Katie for the radio station about how super dee nervous they must be to be competing in such a major competition and shit. And Eric must think he’s working for the television station because he keeps making visual references as if his audience can see what the fuck he’s talking about. This proves, once and for all, the writers of The New Class don’t understand how television works.
Maria already got knocked out so no one gives a shit about her, but she’s planning the dance for Friday night to raise money for “all of them” to go cheer the swim team in Sacramento. What, is she raising money for the whole school since all the extras cheer, or is it just the gang who get this special treatment as usual? In any case, the boys are fucking sick of selling tickets because it’s not wild and crazy and exciting stuff, because that’s what I would think selling tickets would be. Frankly, if they thought selling tickets and serving on a committee was going to be exciting stuff, they’re even dumber than the writers of this episode.
Remember Mr. Klopper, our old janitor from season five’s “Secrets and Liz” who’s actually the on-set teacher for the cast? Well, he’s back, and our Mr. Belding and Screech subplot is all about how he’s not doing his fucking job because he’s old and shit so Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of firing him. Oh, the irony of Screech firing anyone.
At The Max, Liz tells Katie she can go practice and shit because she sucks, but Liz doesn’t need to practice because I guess when you’re awesome, you don’t need to practice.
Meanwhile, Maria’s entire dance committee sucks and quit after they can’t even agree on the time of the dance because they wear too much make-up. Because women be wearing too much make-up, right guys? This leaves Maria with no choice but to allow the boys to plan the dance because they need something to do this episode.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech has a hard time firing Mr. Klopper because he’s old and friendly and shit. Instead, he gives Mr. Klopper an unauthorized raise. I’d suggest they take it out of Screech’s paycheck, but his wages are probably being garnished for every other bat shit crazy thing he’s ever done. I would say he’s just being emotionally manipulative to keep his job because he knows he just sucks ass, but that would conflict with what actually happens in a minute.
At the swim meet, Katie wins her event, so Liz congratulates her.
But then Liz loses the race, leaving her in disbelief that she’s now a loser! And here I thought the title was going to refer to our resident dumb ass.
Now let’s analyze this for a minute: last season Liz’s father was concerned that she wasn’t getting enough practice to be an Olympic hopeful, but backed off so she could have a life. In that time, she’s dated Ryan and an emotionally manipulative guy, traveled around the world, and held multiple jobs. In addition, she’s cocky enough that she didn’t practice. I’m going to make the leap that Liz being on this show has destroyed her swimming career. Mind you, this isn’t a leap the writers would make or else the episode would go very differently.
At Bayside the next day, Liz is still in denial that she suddenly sucks ass. Maria and Katie have to pound into her that she really does suck ass and actually lost. Liz has trouble dealing with being a loser and nearly throws a hissy fit about not winning her third state champion ship.
In case you wondered what the boys were up to, they’re busy fighting over the theme of the party. Eric wants to recycle the Hawaiian luau theme while Nicky wants to recycle the ’50s sock hop theme and Tony wants to recycle the western theme. I think those might be the only three themes these writers can think of because they’ve all been used in previous episodes.
When Mr. Belding finds out Screech couldn’t bring himself to fire Mr. Klopper, he goes to do it himself but soon finds he can’t do it either because Mr. Klopper is old and nice and shit. Instead, he appoints him vice-president of maintenance shit because that doesn’t sound at all like a made-up title, even without my sarcasm.
Liz continues having trouble dealing with being a loser, finding herself having trouble concentrating on her school work. She utterly loses it when a random girl walks in just to tell Katie how awesome she is for winning.
That night, Liz has a dream where the writers have decided that, instead of going with the pink-framed dream sequences the franchise has used the last ten years, they’re going to fill Bayside’s hallway with a pink fog because it’s close to the end of the series and they just want to do random shit at this point. In the dream, Maria and Katie get Liz a sweatshirt with a big L on it for “loser.”
And the boys reveal they came together to make the theme of the dance how much Liz suck, which would be a theme I could get behind if you switch Liz with Tony.
Even Mr. Belding and Screech show up to tell Liz how much she sucks, and you know you’ve fallen far when Screech is telling you how much of a loser you are.
And we fade away from the dream with everyone pointing at Liz and yelling, “Loser!” because The New Class has just utterly destroyed Liz’s life.
At Bayside, Screech discovers that Mr. Belding couldn’t fire Mr. Klopper either and has been cleaning for him to cover for him. They decide to just fire him together since Screech’s idiocy and Mr. Belding’s apparent growing senility will be no match for Mr. Klopper’s ability to look as cute as a newborn kitten.
The boys all try to decorate the gym for the dance theme they’ve chosen. Since this has barely been touched on, they all get mad that they’re all acting like idiots, including Tony, who picks up a coconut and throws it at Nicky’s jukebox, yelling, “TONY LIKE WEAR CHAPS! TONY SMASH OTHER IDEAS!”
But they’re interrupted by Liz, who comes to tell the gang she’s decided to leave Bayside because she, too, has realized that The New Class is ruining her life. The others try to tell her she’s not a loser, but they do about as convincing a job as Screech when he’s pretending to be a responsible adult.
So it’s Mr. Klopper’s birthday and his wife brings in a cake that she later says she’s going to cut. Interestingly enough, the actress, if you want to call her that, playing Mr. Klopper’s wife is the actor’s real life wife. I guess they felt like, at the end of the franchise, they owed her something for the trauma of having to listen to this guy’s stories of Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Dustin Diamond all these years.
Anyways, the cute old age stuff nearly prevents Mr. Belding and Screech from being able to fire Mr. Klopper again, but Screech just does what he does best and yells out random stuff, which happens to sound like, “Mr. Klopper is fired.” Mr. Klopper is all, “Thank god! One more episode on this show and I might have been considered a recurring character!” He gets the fuck out of there, never to be seen, happy that his life isn’t being ruined like Liz’s.
Speaking of Liz, after the boys apologize for being idiots in their subplot, Maria and Katie reveal that Liz cleaned out her locker. Mr. Belding comes up and finds out what’s been going on while he’s been immersed in the cuteness of little old men.
Mr. Belding finds Liz by the pool, who tells him she’s quitting swimming. Mr. Belding tells her all about how his dream was to be principal of Bayside, because that’s everyone’s dream, right, and how he didn’t get the job the first time he applied. This convinced Liz that The New Class isn’t screwing up her life and she should give it another try, at least for fifteen more episodes, and she says she’s sure she’ll be great next year! I don’t get it. Are they suddenly implying Liz is younger than the rest of them and not graduating next year even though she’s been taking the same classes as the rest of the gang? My brain hurts!
Oh, joy! This makes the entire episode: that we got a stupid dance idea: a combination western, luau, and sock hop, because combining three things this franchise has already done several times before makes them new again and shit!
Liz shows up and apologizes for acting like a cry baby that she believed this show was ruining her life. All is forgiven, the rest button is pressed, and our episode ends with Liz assuring them there will be lots of swim meets in season seven for her to redeem herself and shit.
Was that the most meta episode ever?