Category Archives: All Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episodes

Good Morning, Miss Bliss…Reviewed

Before I recap Good Morning, Miss Bliss, a few announcements. First of all, I want to thank everyone who’s read, shared, and liked this blog over the past few months. I especially want to thank all of my wonderful commenters who have made this blog extremely fun to do and have given feedback and to TMC for posting about the blog on message boards. I have to admit I’m having a blast doing this blog but you guys really make it worth it.

Earlier this month, I launched Very Special Episode, what I hope will become a network site with pop culture reviews. It’s already launched its first new blog, Gossip Girl Here, a blog reviewing every episode of Gossip Girl one week at a time, written by regular SBTB Reviewed commenter senorbrightside. In the coming weeks, I hope to launch more new features, so be on the look out as I have tons of ideas.

Speaking of other sites, the Saved by the Bell Reviewed podcast, from the writer who brought us Full House Reviewed, launches this Monday. I am looking forward to seeing the similarities and differences between my reviews and theirs and encourage all my readers to support both my project and theirs.

Also, if you like this blog, make sure to support it! There are several ways you can support this blog and they’re found in the right hand column. Of note is the Saved by the Bell…Reviewed Store, where you can buy clothing, DVDs, comics, and books.

And finally, now that Good Morning, Miss Bliss is done, the logical question is what’s next for Mondays? I’ve decided I’m going to continue doing reviews on Monday as I’ve actually enjoyed the variety of doing more than one series at a time. With that in mind, starting this Monday I’ll be doing Saved by the Bell: The New Class. It seems like the logical choice since it requires very little knowledge of the continuity in the Saved by the Bell seasons I haven’t gotten to yet. I’m looking forward to it, though I expect it to be a doozie of a series.

With that, Good Morning, Miss Bliss.


 

GMMB Cast

It’s hard for me to make heads or tails out of what the expectations for Good Morning, Miss Bliss were. The original pilot was aired in a prime time slot and was definitely more adult oriented. Miss Bliss and her husband, Charlie, made several not so subtle references to fucking, and even one of the kids, who were supposed to be eleven, was overly sexual. By the time the Disney Channel picked it up, though, newspaper articles were referring to it as a “children’s show,” and the show definitely was made more low-key, with Charlie and Georgie, the most sexually-explicit characters, written out completely.

It was a grand experiment for its time, though. It marked the first time a series produced by one of the broadcast networks was aired on a cable channel. NBC apparently intended to reair the episodes on Saturday mornings during the summer if Good Morning, Miss Bliss was successful, which would have also been a first. I do wonder how they intended to do a second season had it been renewed. After all, the kids eventually had to grow up and go to another school and they could only transfer Miss Bliss so many times before everyone just stopped believing it.

Unfortunately, this experiment may have been doomed from the beginning. Many today will not remember that the Disney Channel was originally a premium cable channel, similar to HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime. This meant that one did not simply get the channel in their basic cable lineup. No, if you wanted the Disney Channel, you had to pay an extra subscription fee for it, and most viewers opted not to do that. Unlike today when premium cable channels are producing high quality shows, the Disney Channel was relying tremendously on old and repackaged programming, and Good Morning, Miss Bliss was a very expensive project that, given the lack of viewers who would have been able to see it, probably did not make sense to continue.

I tried to find some information on the specifics of why Good Morning, Miss Bliss was cancelled, but I came up empty-handed. Executive producer Peter Engel says in a documentary on the franchise that Disney simply opted not to continue the show after thirteen episodes, and that it was a devastating blow to the cast and crew when they were told.

My question becomes: would Good Morning, Miss Bliss have survived had it remained on NBC, either as a prime time show or a Saturday morning show. My answer, based on my own gut feeling, is possibly. The original pilot showed great promise and we’re all well aware of how Saved by the Bell eventually took off on Saturday mornings. It’s probable that Good Morning, Miss Bliss was cut short because of its relationship to the Disney Channel. It’s a question we will never have a definitive answer to, but I think it would have had a much better chance.

Its treatment since cancellation has been all the more strange. Despite the fact that it takes place in a different school in a different state with some characters who are never mentioned again, Good Morning, Miss Bliss was revamped into episodes of Saved by the Bell, with a voice over by Zack Morris telling us this is him remembering his days in junior high school. Some even consider this its first season. Reader Mark Moore let me know after I lamented in the first review that the series may never be released on DVD that every episode except the pilot is available on Netflix with the Saved by the Bell opening, listed as Season 1 of Saved by the Bell.


Let’s talk characters beginning with the four who continued on to Saved by the Bell.

Zack Morris satisfied

Zack Morris kind of starts out just as an asshole, and not even a selfish asshole, when one of his very first scenes involves deliberately making Screech fall down. But that quickly gives way to a different form of Zack Morris, and most of the characteristics we will later associate with him are present: his scheming, sociopathic tendency to use others to further his own agenda, and his loyal changes of heart at the last minute. Miss Bliss told Zack Morris’s father that he had the greatest untapped potential of all her students and, as much as I made fun of that statement at the time, it does seem true. He’s smart, likable, and can be a good friend, but he’s also lazy, opportunistic, and selfish. It’s hard to know whether I should love him or hate him.

But perhaps no other single episode makes him look more despicable than “Clubs and Cliques,” where he deliberately and intentionally humiliates his friends with no comprehension of the consequences, all to win the approval of some older kids. Really, the argument for Zack Morris as a sociopath could be made from this episode alone. We’ll see him act worse in some episodes of Saved by the Bell, but not much worse. This was about the lowest of the low. But it did give the producers their first opportunity to highlight him with his shirt off.

Zack shirtless


Screech depressed

Screech is intended to be the stereotypical dweeb, but a lovable one, and, in this series at least, I find little reason to dislike him. All the things that will make Screech hated and reviled later in the series are absent or downplayed, and he’s quite harmless in this pre-pubescent form. Even his love of Lisa is downplayed this season, and he even talks about having crushes on others girls rather than just having an obsessive fixation on Lisa. It probably has to do with the fact Dustin Diamond was younger than the rest of the actors, being cast on the show at age eleven.

I guess if they couldn’t bring all five kids over to Saved by the Bell, Screech was a natural choice to bring over. He brought a certain cuteness factor to the show. And, let’s face it, he represents the awkward kid inside all of us trying to find his place in the world. Unfortunately for the show, Dustin Diamond had to grow up eventually and, as we’ll see soon, this awkward shtick wasn’t as enduring when Dustin Diamond continued playing the same character well into his twenties.


Lisa Makeup

There’s not a whole lot to say about Lisa from this series. All the trademark Lisa characteristics are present: her love of fashion, her repulsion to Screech, and her selfish attitude. She’s not completely unlikable as she does come to Screech’s defense in “Showdown” and to Zack Morris’s defense (before he humiliated her) in “Clubs and Cliques.” And her character definitely shows great potential.

The problem during Good Morning, Miss Bliss is that she didn’t have a lot to do. She was really only a major player in a few episodes. In others, she was barely present and relegated to some throw away bits. Lark Voorhies does a great job with the role, but she definitely was more a supporting role to the other characters. I’ll speculate on why I think they kept her in the transition to Saved by a Bell in a moment.


Belding pilot
I have to admit that, out of all the characters, Mr. Belding shows the most character development throughout this series and, though I would have loved them to bring Miss Bliss over to Saved by the Bell, I can kind of understand why they choose Mr. Belding instead. In the pilot, Mr. Belding is played as someone who just doesn’t want to get involved beyond the school day and can’t wait for retirement. Had this been the Mr. Belding that made his way into the series, I have no doubt that Mr. Belding would have been dropped.

Belding cowabunga

But this is the Mr. Belding we have all come to know and love. He very much appreciates having a teacher like Miss Bliss in his building, though he is very self-aware of his own limitations and that sometimes brings jealousy out in him, as in “Clubs and Cliques” when he realized that he is not a good teacher. The fact that he can alternate so easily between straight man and comedy relief made him a shoo in for the Saved by the Bell cast, as they needed someone who could be a foil for the antics of the kids. We begin to see his love/hate relationship with Zack Morris here but it wouldn’t be fully developed until Saved by the Bell.


Bliss film
Can you imagine being fired from your own show? Hayley Mills certainly hasn’t had it easy in her adult career. She became deservedly famous as a child actor playing the leading roles in the original Parent Trap. The child actor curse seems to have found. Disney kept her around for many years playing minor roles in various movies and television shows, but she never really found a big break again. This was intended to be her big break as an adult actress.

And she certainly does shine through. Miss Bliss is warm, caring, and comforting to all those around her, maybe to a fault. From the pilot on, her students are first and foremost in her life, even when it might strain an outside relationship. The students trust her and Mr. Belding trusts her. I would trust her if she were my teacher. I suspect there is some unresolved pain deep down that could have been explored had Good Morning, Miss Bliss continued, but we will never know. It would have been hard to bring her over to Saved by the Bell, but I wish they had attempted it.


Tina clothes

If I wished that Miss Bliss had been brought over to Good Morning, Miss Bliss, I’m very glad that Tina Paladrino was not brought over. She was probably intended to be Miss Bliss’s foil, but she comes off as grating and superfluous. Only one episode really featured her extensively, and she was only seen teaching in one episode (separate episodes, mind you). I can’t figure out what kind of character she was intended to be other than overly-emotional and a kooky dresser.

The actress playing her, Joan Ryan, has kept busy over the years, though. She’s actually done more behind the scenes work than she has been in front of the camera Apparently she’s also an acclaimed singer and stage performer, traits that should have been emphasized in Tina’s characterization here.


Mylo bat

If Tina made me grit my teeth, Mylo Williams made me want to punch my screen. Mylo never has an episode that involves him extensively and he is completely useless in every episode except “The Mentor.” Virtually every scene he was in throughout the series could have been cut without any effect on the rest of the episode. His characteristics seem to be a mixture of jive talking, nosiness, gossiping, and being a stickler for union rules. With all these exciting traits, one sarcastically wonders why Mylo was not brought over to Saved by the Bell.

The actor playing him, T.K. Carter, has had a very strange career in Hollywood. He was an up and comer at the time he appeared on Good Morning, Miss Bliss. He had previously appeared in episodes of shows as diverse as The Waltons, Good Times, 227, and Quincey M.E. His big breaks were recurring roles on Punky Brewster and the cartoon Jem. In the early nineties, he seems to have had a very strange feud with Eddie Murphy in which T.K. Carter claims he was blackballed from Hollywood for stealing Eddie Murphy’s watch. It could be true. He’s mostly had bit roles since Good Morning, Miss Bliss, though he did have recurring roles on The Steve Harvey Show and The Corner as well as quite a bit of voice work. His last acting role was in 2007 in a one-off appearance on Everybody Hates Chris.


Talking Baseball

I know I’ve given the characters of Mikey and Nikki crap, perhaps more than they deserve. Mikey, unlike Slater, who he was replaced with, was shy and sensitive. He was the perfect straight man for Zack Morris and Screech, but the problem is that out of the five kids, he probably had the least to do in the entire series. One episode, “Love Letters,” I had to rewatch to see if he was even in the damned thing. Only one episode focuses heavily on him, and the rest of the time he’s kind of Zack Morris’s lackey.

Nikki was slightly more developed and truly filled the role of rival to Zack Morris that Slater would fill during the first season of Saved by the Bell. In the end she ultimately respects and values Zack Morris and there’s even a hint at romantic interest, but he drives her crazy. She’s smart and athletic and your overall goody good. It’s kind of harsh but it seems like she was ultimately dropped because she wasn’t as conventionally beautiful as Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie.

When it comes down to it, I have a great deal of sympathy for Max Battimo and Heather Hopper. Hollywood can be a tough town and they had to find this out way too soon. Good Morning, Miss Bliss was the big break for both of them: both have only a few bit parts before the show. They took very different paths after Good Morning, Miss Bliss though. Heather Hopper continued acting throughout the late eighties and early nineties, mostly in bit roles. Her biggest success was a supporting role in the film Troop Beverly Hills. Other roles have included “Two Bit Whore” on The Shield and “Surrogate Candidate #1” on Passions. Her childhood was apparently tough, though, as she suffered from anorexia in her late teens. Though her last acting role was in 2004 (her IMDB biography says she gave up acting when she became a mother), she appears to have done some stand-up comedy. I did find this video of her one woman show on YouTube in which she actually turns her stay in a psych ward for anorexia into a comedy routine, and it’s pretty good!

Max Battimo took a different route. He was so hurt by the decision not to bring him over to Saved by the Bell that he quit acting completely. He’s found his passion, though. After Good Morning, Miss Bliss, he found he loved ice hockey and, today, he is an official in college hockey. But he’s still occasionally recognized for his brief acting career. There’s an anecdote told by an ESPN writer in which Battimo was attempting to explain a penalty to the head coach of the University of Denver. The coach just smiled at him and said, “Saved by the Bell, huh.”


There’s not much continuity or character development to speak of through these episodes. Each is self-contained with a dilemma that’s solved by the end of the episode. Even brief mentions of character traits that could have been explored in a very interesting way, such as the death of Miss Bliss’s husband or Lisa sneaking behind her parents’ backs to wear make-up, were never explored. I would like to think that they would have been had the show continued. After all, the final episode was basically a lot of explaining of where Miss Bliss’s passion for teaching comes from. And, though many of the character traits developed for Zack Morris, Screech, Lisa, and Mr. Belding during these episodes will be carried over to Saved by the Bell, nothing that happens in any of these episodes will. It’s a definite alternate universe in which Zack Morris is a good ‘ole corn-fed Hoosier boy, and the attempt to shoe horn these episodes into Saved by the Bell is, I feel, wrong-headed and futile. Good Morning, Miss Bliss should be watched, critiqued, and appreciated on its own merits. While it may have given birth to the franchise, it is its own entity.


Bliss Belding High Five

At the end of the day, the question that must be asked is whether Good Morning, Miss Bliss was a good show or not. My answer is it depends on your standards. There have certainly been better shows. The Wonder Years premiered at the same time as Good Morning, Miss Bliss and set the standard for the coming of age comedy series. It certainly hasn’t gone down as one of the great shows that was cancelled too soon. It has its flaws: contrived and overly moralistic plots, unlikable supporting characters, inconsistent writing, and a team that seemed to know nothing about the setting. And there are certain episodes that I despise, especially “Wall Street” and “Let’s Get Together.”

However, there have been much worse shows, some of them premiering around the same time as Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Full House makes Good Morning, Miss Bliss look like Citizen Kane by comparison. And there isn’t anything particularly harmful in Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Overall, I can understand why the producers and NBC believed in it enough to revamp it into Saved by the Bell: it’s a harmless family comedy essentially about the pains of growing up. Junior high is a time many of us have negative memories of and wouldn’t want to repeat. If we were lucky, we had a group of friends like Zack Morris, Screech, Lisa, Nikki, and Mikey, each with their own flaws but, at the end of the day, each coming through as a true friend and comforter.

If we’re lucky, we still have friends like that today. And hopefully we had a teacher who gave a damn about us like Miss Bliss, for all her flaws, gave for her students.

GMMB Bliss and Kids


My Picks
Every recap I’ll have a list of my favorite and least favorite episodes of the season. I encourage you to agree or disagree with my picks in the comments section!

Five Episodes I Loved:

  1. “Parents and Teachers” (Episode 5): The chemistry between Miss Bliss and Peter Morris was apparent but even more apparent was Miss Bliss’s care for her students and that she wanted Zack Morris to know that she cares about him. Hayley Mills really shined in this and it was this episode that made me decide I wished she had been brought over to Saved by the Bell.
  2. “Summer Love” (Episode 1): This episode highlights Zack Morris just being a stupid teenager trying to get along in the world. He does something we probably all did at one point or another, lie for love, and, though he’s being selfish here, it’s not the borderline sociopathic selfishness he’ll display later on.
  3. Original Pilot: What can I say? I’m a sucker for this episode. The chemistry between Hayley Mills and Jonathan Brandis is so good that it’s a shame he wasn’t brought over for the series proper. In addition, I actually liked Charlie Davis because he brought to the surface a conflict between Miss Bliss’s personal and professional lives that is apparent later but largely unquestioned.
  4. “Save the Last Dance for Me” (Episode 7): I was very critical of this one the first time around but have since come to realize it’s pretty realistic of the conflicts I witnessed from my middle school days. Though the ending is obviously shoehorned in and forced, Zack Morris, for once, is the bigger man despite the fact he technically did nothing wrong, and his actions save his friendship with Mikey.
  5. “Love Letters” (Episode 2): Eighth grade Screech is considerably less annoying than he will be the longer he’s associated with this franchise, and he’s actually a bit endearing in this episode as the underdog desperate to impress the girl he loves. It’s definitely a crush in this episode and not the sort of stalking and creepy behavior we’ll see him display towards Lisa in Saved by the Bell.

Three Episodes I Hated:

This was a hard list for me because there are so many lousy episodes during this series that I could have easily named most of the ones not in the episodes I loved list. “Showdown” and “The Boy Who Cried Rat” are definite runners-up for this list. But, in the end, it comes down to personal preference, and these are the episodes I have chosen.

  1. “Let’s Get Together” (Episode 9): Good god this was a horrible episode, partly because it focused so heavily on Tina, who makes Zack Morris look normal by comparison. The endings to both conflicts are completely forced and, in the case of the Zack Morris/Nikki conflict, custom tailored to Miss Bliss’s standards for an A on the project.
  2. “Wall Street” (Episode 3): This one almost made the number one spot because I hated it almost as much. Zack Morris does something utterly despicable and he gets no punishment for it because Miss Bliss feels guilty for yelling at the kids. La di da, get over it, punish the kids, and give us a believable ending rather than one that involves selling potatoes.
  3. “Stevie” (Episode 11): I know some people love this episode but, from the unrealistic premise of a pop singer coming to sing at JFK to her actually staying with her former teacher and the creepy kissing of a fourteen year old by a seventeen year old, I found this episode to be very disturbing. The horrible music video did not help at the end and I still maintain that, if they wanted to do an episode on a pop singer, they should have found a pop singer, even an up and comer.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss: Original Pilot

Yeah, you didn’t really think I’d forget about this one, did you?

I have so been looking forward to doing this episode, but I put off doing it until the end because, frankly, it’s only loosely related to the Saved by the Bell universe. The only character who appeared in this pilot who would be carried over to Saved by the Bell is Mr. Belding, and he’s played by a different actor and even has a different first name here. But I’m actually quite impressed with the casting of the pilot. In fact, the pilot has only been aired one time and has never been rebroadcast, and was not a part of the Saved by the Bell syndicated package. It’s a miracle we have a copy of it at all and, despite the bad quality, I’m just thankful that someone, somewhere actually taped it.

A little background: NBC commissioned a pilot for Good Morning, Miss Bliss in 1987. In an interesting move that I can’t remember ever happening before, NBC aired the pilot in prime time before the series had even been ordered. On July 11, 1987, the world was introduced to Good Morning, Miss Bliss in the time slot normally reserved for The Facts of Life, which was never a ratings powerhouse for NBC but always got respectable numbers. I’ve not been able to find ratings for this airing of the pilot but it’s safe to assume that, even in the summer months, it got some pretty good exposure.

GMMB Pilot Title

So let’s talk about the episode. Our opening is dramatically different from the one used during the actual series. Our opening is essentially a set of drawings of Miss Bliss during various times in her academic career overlaid with the credits.

Bliss pilot opening 1

Bliss pilot opening 2

Bliss pilot opening 3

The song is different, too: this song is upbeat like “These are the Best of Times,” but that’s about the extent of the similarity. It makes me appreciate “These are the Best of Times” all the more as the choice of opening song for the series.

Now I said that the cast was almost completely changed after the pilot so I’ll be indicating where it appears they originally intended a character to be a regular.

We open at unnamed grade school (yes, grade school, as established by Mr. Belding later on in the episode) where Miss Bliss is greeting students on the first day of school. One girl is really upset because she grew really tall over the summer. Another is breaking school rules by having headphones on at school but he argues that it’s alright because it’s Beethoven, which Miss Bliss totally buys. Maybe Zack Morris just was trying too hard and should have tried more believable excuses.

Georgie

As Miss Bliss is about to enter her room, we meet the first kid who was evidently supposed to be a regular, Georgie Winslow (Matt Shakman). Georgie, though the power of exposition, lets us know this is the first day of sixth grade for the class and that he’s been looking forward to Miss Bliss’s class so that he could perv on her legs inappropriately. Strange enough, Miss Bliss likes this. Creepy.

Janet

In the classroom, we meet our female students, Janet Hillhurst (Britton Elliott), who is telling another female student, Wendy (Samantha Mills) about how she is wearing a bra despite the fact she doesn’t need it. This is a strange gag, especially since it has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.

Georgie Bobby

Next, we see Georgie trade sandwiches with Bobby Wilson, played by…OH MY GOD IT’S MOTHER FUCKING STEVE URKEL!!!! Yes, that’s right. It’s Jaleel White before he became famous on Family Matters, ironically befriending someone else named Winslow! Jaleel White on Saved by the Bell…just imagine the possibilities!

Adam

Our next student is dressed in a business suit, carries a briefcase, and hands Miss Bliss a business card: “Adam Montcrief, Student.” And he’s played by…Brian Austin Green! Wow, another actor who would become famous just a few years later! In case you don’t remember him, he became famous for playing the incredibly hot geek eternally chasing Tori Spelling in Beverly Hills, 90210. Apparently, Adam was intended to be the lead student originally, the Zack Morris type. It’s probably a good thing they switched to Zack Morris because I can’t imagine this character being terribly interesting.

Miss Bliss tells the students she had a terrific summer in which she got married and she’s now Mrs. Davis, but will still go by Miss Bliss at school, completely rendering that line meaningless. Georgie nearly bursts out in tears over Miss Bliss marrying someone her own age rather than an eleven year old, and I continue to think this is the creepiest kid in the entire series, even creepier than the bully who was twenty years old in “Showdown.”

And in walks our final student, a tough kid with an attitude almost immediately. He takes his seat and props his foot up on a chair in front of him. Miss Bliss tells the class she has three rules: do your best, come to her if you have any problems, and you don’t put your motherfucking feet up in the motherfucking chair.

Michael feet

The assignment for tomorrow is a written essay on the most important person in their lives which I’m sure won’t play into the plot at all. Wendy wants to know if it has to be a real person or if it can be one of the kids on The Cosby Show and I wished it was a few years later so Miss Bliss could reply, “Only if it’s about Raven-Symoné.”

Now Miss Bliss wants the students to tell us about their summers, and we first get Bobby, who tells us his father packed his family into a minivan and drove cross country. Thrilling stuff. Our tough guy student pops a bubble with his gum and Miss Bliss decides that he’s a volunteer.

Michael gum

His name is Michael Thompson and he just moved to Indianapolis. And he thinks it’s the pits, which, as a person from Indiana, I agree with him on one hundred percent. He’s played by Jonathan Brandis, who was most famous for being in The Never-Ending Story II and seaQuest DSV. And, before I get comments on it, I’m very aware he tragically killed himself a few years ago. I have a lot of compassion for him and his family. He was a very talented and underrated actor and it’s terrible that anyone should get to the point they decide to kill themselves.

After a cut, it’s time for lunch and Miss Bliss stops Michael on the way out. She tells him that she’s the head honcho in this class and he better fucking get on board before the spankings ensue. He’s like, “Yeah, whatever.” She says she knows something’s up and she wants to help him but Michael’s all, “Fuck off and mind your own business lady!” and walks out to lunch.

Tina

And then in walks ‘ole Miss Tina Paladrino, in this iteration played by Maria O’Brien. This Tina is dressed even shittier than the Tina we’ve come to know and loathe, and she’s apparently just got back from a summer in Europe where she was almost engaged twice. Miss Bliss tells Tina she got married on a whim this past summer and it’s apparently the first Tina’s heard of it. Yeah, apparently this Miss Bliss is much more spontaneous than the Miss Bliss we know.

Lonnie Maple

In the office, we meet our next character, Lonnie Maple (Julie Ronnie), Mr. Belding’s secretary. It might have actually been nice to have Mr. Belding’s secretary as an actual character rather than a background extra. I can imagine many scenarios she could have been involved in. Alas, though, we’ll never know, as she only gets one scene in the pilot and it isn’t a crucial scene.

Belding pilot

Miss Bliss comes in and snoops around Mr. Belding’s files looking for Michael’s file as Mr. “Gerald” Belding enters and tells Lonnie that someone has already written graffiti about him in the boy’s restroom. And this Mr. Belding looks much different, being played here by Oliver Clark.

Mr. Belding sees Miss Bliss in his files and tells her to back off his confidential information that his secretary is just letting anyone who walks in read. She tells him that she has a student who needs her and Mr. Belding is like, “Girl, you gots some boundary issues! Go back up off those students and relax before you give me a migraine!” This Mr. Belding has already been more useful to Miss Bliss than the other Mr. Belding was in thirteen episodes.

Charlie Davis

We cut to Miss Bliss’s house and meet our last main character, Miss Bliss’s husband, Charlie Davis (Charles Siebert), as he’s moving his things into Miss Bliss’s house, some of which she’s shocked to discover include a parachute, a chair, and a pinball machine as the writers obviously want to emphasize how little Miss Bliss knows about Charlie. And there’s a quick gag where Miss Bliss gets stuck in Charlie’s chair.

Charlie Bliss chair

The doorbell rings and who should it be but Tina, dressed as Ursa from Superman II, who wanted to just come over and meet Charlie unannounced. And boy am I glad they didn’t keep this Tina. She makes me appreciate the Tina we knew for thirteen episodes, and I hate her for that.

Tina Charlie

The doorbell rings again and it’s a flower delivery man. It’s fucking dark outside. Why is someone delivering flowers this late? In any case, the flowers are from Georgie, who manages to be creepy even off camera.

And, because the whole fucking city is showing up at Miss Bliss’s house tonight, the doorbell rings again and it’s Michael. This happened in “Summer Love” too. How the hell do Miss Bliss’s students find out where she lives on the first day of school in the thirteenth largest city in the nation? Does she hand them business cards like Adam, except they say, “Miss Carrie Bliss, Boundary Crosser?”

Michael at the door

Michael says he’s running away. His brother is dying and we cut to commercial break as Miss Bliss embraces Michael.

Michael Bliss hug

The next morning Charlie finds Miss Bliss already up and making breakfast.He wants to know where she was last night because he was looking for some hot fucking and she says she never came to bed because she was staying up cuddling with Michael until he fell asleep. Wait, say what?! She let a student spend the night at her house?! I think she just took boundary crossing to a new, weird place!

Charlie gets pissy because Miss Bliss has a PTA meeting that night and he wanted some poon. He says he always thought being a teacher ended at 3:00 and walks out angry when she says her boundary issues are significant enough that she can’t just turn off being a teacher when the bell rings, and Michael comes into the kitchen.

Michael no

Miss Bliss tells Michael that she spoke to his mom and she really wants to talk to him. He doesn’t want to talk to her because he feels like they’ve been lying to him about how sick his brother really was, and I’m with him on this. I get that this shit is hard to deal with, but it’s kind of insulting and scaring to not let someone know that a loved one is actually dying and not getting better. Miss Bliss tells Michael they were just trying to spare his feelings, and he needs to deal with them, to which he blows up and walks out. I do wonder why the family just moved to Indianapolis if Michael’s brother is dying. Maybe that would have been explained to us eventually. Maybe he was there for treatment. Or maybe the writers just didn’t give two shits about a pilot they didn’t know would be picked up.

Then, for some reason, Charlie’s pinball machine is delivered to the back door. I don’t get why so many people randomly went through backyards in eighties sitcoms. And why would you take a delivery to the backdoor anyway?

At school, Michael is conspicuously absent. Georgie and Bobby exchange sandwiches again, because that’s apparently their thing. Miss Bliss comes in and it’s time to read the essays. Janet gets started and, of all people, the most important person in her life is David Lee Roth. I’m just going to shake my head at this one. It may be the last time someone felt that way about David Lee Roth.

Bradley

And, from what I gather, this unnamed boy is supposed to be Bradley, and he was intended to be a regular student in the class, despite the fact he wasn’t introduced earlier. He’s played by Gabriel Damon, who had a number of bit roles in the eighties and nineties in various shows and movies. Here, his only purpose is to antagonize Janet during her report and declare that Ozzy Osbourne is hella better than David Lee Roth. Hey, you can’t fault him for his musical taste.

Adam report

We cut to Adam, whose fifteen minute report was on why Ronald Reagan shows us that old people can be useful, too. No joking. It’s quite obvious that most of Adam’s characteristics are ripped directly off Alex Keaton from Family Ties. Georgie is next and he’s about to read an inappropriate report on Miss Bliss but she shuts him down before he can talk about her naughty bits.

Michael Bliss report

Michael comes in and asks if he can read his report, which he wrote on his brother. He gets emotional during the delivery so Miss Bliss gets touchy feely and helps him read it.

Charlie school

That night, Charlie meets Miss Bliss at school, apologizing for being such a jackass and they’ll just get it on at her convenience instead. Georgie comes walking in as they make out and Charlie finally gets to meet the creepy kids who’s trying to usurp his wife. Georgie wants his flowers back because he wants to give them to Janet but, instead, Charlie pays him $30 for them. Weirdness all around.

Charlie Georgie

Charlie says he’s just going to have to get used to being married to all her students as well, which is kind of a creepy thing to say. And Charlie and Miss Bliss walk out arm in arm, as we conclude the pilot.

This isn’t a bad start to the series and I wonder what it would have been like if they’d kept these characters. There’s very little hint here for me as to what this series would eventually become in Saved by the Bell and it seems a much more mature show than the series we got on The Disney Channel. Amazingly, the kids also feel less one dimensional to me, with the possible exception of Adam. One of the criticisms of Saved by the Bell is that all six characters are completely one dimensional and based on one character trait each. We actually have some complexity here and Michael displays some character growth in the very first episode, even if it is forced. That’s quite impressive. And, of course, it has Steve Mother Fucking Urkel in it! In any case, Jaleel White, Brian Austin Green, and Jonathan Brandis each went on to do bigger and better things. Considering the career killer being on Saved by the Bell was for most of the cast, it’s probably better for their careers that they didn’t stick around.

Some fans have tried to place this series in the continuity of the rest of Good Morning, Miss Bliss, arguing it takes place a year before the series since Zack Morris once stated that Miss Bliss’s husband died. It’s a pilot, though, and obviously not meant to be taken as a part of the series proper since it’s never been reaired. I think, though, the best thing I can possibly say, though, is, to paraphrase Mystery Science Theater 3000, it’s just a show so you should relax.


And that’s really it this time for Good Morning, Miss Bliss. I’ll have a recap of the series this Wednesday along with an announcement of what’s next on Mondays.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 13: “The Mentor”

Ah, it’s the last episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss you guys! I’ve almost made it through all thirteen episodes! It’s an exciting milestone, so stay tuned after the review for a couple of announcements.

Talking Baseball

In our cold opening, Screech inserts himself into a conversation between Zack Morris, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie about baseball, wanting to know what position he’s going to play. They tell him he’s hella bad at baseball so they’re just going to let the opposing team throw foul balls at him instead.

After the credits, Miss Bliss’s voice over remind us that role models play an important part in every child’s life and she hopes that her resistance to the incompetence that is JFK Junior High will inspire them and maybe they’ll be mentors in the future. Just then Screech comes in and trips over…nothing.

Screech trip

If Screech turned out to be a mentor, that would explain why The New Class turned out so fucked up.

Mr. Lyman

Suddenly a crazy man just walks in Miss Bliss’s class raving about the world ending and I first thought maybe he was Tina’s father come to visit. But, no, it turns out it’s Miss Bliss’s eighth grade teacher, Mr. James Lyman, because apparently it’s common for visitors to just barge in during school unannounced and be allowed to interrupt class. She says that if he hadn’t been so bat shit crazy in his teaching methods, she may have never gone into teaching. and apparently eighth grade Miss Bliss had just as bad excuses as eighth grade Zack Morris. I suppose they were trying to set up for the second season why Miss Bliss has such a thing for Zack Morris.

In the cafeteria, Not-Jessie tells Lisa she can’t go to Cosmo’s with her after school because she has a baseball practice. Lisa tells Not-Jessie she better start conforming to gender stereotypes or her vagina is going to be less used than a workaholic’s vacation time. Not-Jessie is all, “Shut the fuck up, Lisa! You don’t know nothin’.” And Lisa’s all, “OK, if you want to be a virgin all your life, see if I care.”

As they eat, Mr. Lyman tells Miss Bliss that he’s no longer teaching and she’s shocked. Mr. Belding joins them and tries to display his wonderful grasp of humor but it shockingly only gets confused stares.

Belding Lyman

Mr. Belding tells Miss Bliss he needs her statewide curriculum report by Friday morning but she’s like, “Bitch, I can’t do that report by Friday and teach class!” Mr. Belding says he can’t get her a substitute by then but she’s like, “Mr. Lyman will substitute!” Mr. Belding sensibly says they need to do background checks but Miss Bliss is all, “Background checks, smackground checks, he taught me, that’s all you need to know!” Yeah, Miss Bliss hasn’t seen Mr. Lyman in a very long time. How does she know he’s not on the run from the law for murdering his class?

In the hallway, Not-Jessie says she can’t pitch anymore because she’s trying harder to conform to gender stereotypes and Zack Morris, Screech, and Not-Slater attempt to exert peer pressure on her to get her to play baseball but it’s all for naught when Screech calls her a “guy,” which reminds her that her hoo hah will be ever barren unless she quits.

Nikki quittng

It’s the last episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss and, amazingly, Mylo does his first useful thing of the series! But there’s rumors of Full House getting a sequel series so I suppose if that can happen, anything can!

Mylo busting Zack and Mikey

Mylo busts Zack Morris and Not-Slater walking around in the hallway during class and asks to see their hall pass. Zack Morris presents one and seemingly gets away with it but, while they’re still within ear shot of Mylo, Zack Morris tells Not-Slater that Mr. Lyman gave him a hall pass that’s good until July because Mr. Lyman trusts Zack Morris. Mylo passes this information on to Mr. Belding.

As Mylo leaves, Miss Bliss comes down the stairs and Mr. Belding tells her the information he got from Mylo. Miss Bliss can’t believe it and so she insists they go in her classroom to watch Mr. Lyman teaching. And they walk into an empty classroom as we cut to commercial break.

Empty Classroom

After the break, Miss Bliss and Mr. Belding haven’t been able to locate the class, which is actually a huge liability problem since they have no clue where a bunch of students are. Mr. Lyman comes in the room and says the kids are at lunch and he’s taken them on a history walk without informing the office to talk about all the historical events that took place around the school, including a Sioux battle next to the 7-11 despite the fact that the Sioux were never in Indiana. Fact checking people!

Of course Mr. Belding is the villain here as he advocates putting the students in the classroom to read out of books and I can’t help but wonder why it has to be one or the other. After all, the best teachers use a variety of different methods for a variety of different learners. But this is Good Morning, Miss Bliss so it’s all black and white.

Later, Mr. Lyman has the class move their desks to opposite sides of the room and gives Union and Confederate style hats to our five regular cast members but only a couple extras. The prop department must have been over budget if they couldn’t even afford props for everyone in the scene. Mr. Lyman tells them to close their eyes and imagine they’re at Gettysburg. This leads up to him telling them to wad up paper as weapons and throw the paper balls at one another in mock war, just as Miss Bliss enters. And, as a reader pointed out to me, the show proves once again that it can’t maintain continuity for even thirty minutes when Not-Jessie is clearly seen throwing with her right hand despite the fact she identified as a south paw earlier in the episode.

Bliss Paper Fight

Miss Bliss tells Mr. Lyman he needs to cut this shit out and conform to the man but Mr. Lyman’s all, “Nobody puts baby in the corner!” He tells Miss Bliss she can take her class and shove it and leaves without his hats.

Lisa Nikki restroom

In the restroom, Not-Jessie is complaining about how horrible make-up is and Lisa tells her to cheer up because she’ll have guys wanting her cooch in no time. Not-Jessie is finally like, “Fuck this shit. I like playing baseball better than conforming to society’s expectations,” and tells Lisa she’s going to go play baseball because it’s completely impossible to find a way to do both in the Saved by the Bell universe. And the Not-Jessie wants to conform to gender stereotypes subplot ends with Not-Jessie spreading eyeliner on her face in an attempt to look like a baseball player, but she comes off looking like Minnie Mouse.

Nikki eyeliner

That night, Mr. Lyman shows up at Miss Bliss’s door and tells her, “Bitch, I be givin’ you the chance to apologize for the way you’s be treatin’ me today!”

Lyman at Bliss house

We get a bunch of crap shoved down our throats from Mr. Lyman about how education just isn’t what it used to be in the good ole’ days and how he was forced out of his job because he fought the man when they forgot it was about the kids learning. In a strange twist, the hall pass Mr. Lyman gave Zack Morris was dated for July 3, 1863, the day the Battle of Gettysburg ended, because Mr. Lyman said now Zack Morris won’t ever forget that date, which he definitely will because that’s not a mnemonic at all, just a gimmick. And Miss Bliss is inspired to lead her class on a history trip tomorrow, because we’ve completely forgotten that Miss Bliss was supposed to be filling out a report.

And I’m calling bullshit on this entire plot. Yes, teachers have it hard sometimes with rules coming down they must follow and unhelpful administrators. But there are lots of good teachers, many of whom I’ve met over the years, and they manage to strike a very good balance between traditional teaching and the bat shit crazy method of Mr. Lyman. Yes, let’s pump more money and resources into education. But let’s not pretend like the educators aren’t doing their damndest without a nutty guy pretending like the only way to teach is to have kids throw paper balls at one another and give fake hall passes.

Well, in any case, we end our episode with Miss Bliss giving a lecture on the Battle of Gettysburg since the Battle of Gettysburg would be quite hard to teach on a walk in Indiana.

Zack Nikki argue

Zack Morris and Not-Jessie argue because Zack Morris claims it was Not-Jessie’s bad pitching that made them lose the baseball game yesterday.

Lyman as Lincoln

And Mr. Lyman completely loses it when he comes into the class dressed as Abraham Lincoln and delivers the Gettysburg Address to Miss Bliss’s class. Mr. Belding comes in to find out why this weirdo is still roaming the hallway at his school and Miss Bliss tells Mr. Belding that this is Mr. Lyman’s farewell address. Because the way to go out is to dress as Lincoln for a bunch of fourteen year olds and recite a speech.

First: Mylo does something useful.


Well that’s it for Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Next Monday, I’ll have a bonus episode. Then, next Wednesday, I’ll have a recap of the series and an announcement about what’s next on Mondays. And make sure to keep checking in on Fridays for the last few episodes of season one of Saved by the Bell!

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 12: “Clubs and Cliques”

Trevor Rick

In our cold opening, we meet two guys who look way too old to be junior high students, Trevor and Rick. They’re members of a club called the “Rigmas” which is apparently some cool club that has the best parties and the best women. They invite Lisa to a party on Friday night and she is, of course, elated. They then invite Zack Morris to join them and they tell him that they’ll give him the pledge rules after school.

Pledge Zack Morris

After the credits, Miss Bliss tells us in voice over that pledging school clubs isn’t for everyone because you have to take orders, do insane things, and endure constant humiliation, which means that, of course, Zack Morris was up to it if it meant joining the cool kids. Trevor and Rick make an announcement which requires Zack Morris to stand up in the middle of class and sing…oh god…”Swanee,” an old song by George Gershwin and Irving Caesar from1919, the year my grandfather was born. Yeah…we’re less than three minutes in and I already think this episode is ridiculous and being written by someone with no idea what kids are actually familiar with. I can see it now:

Writer 1: What kinds of song do those hip teenagers like nowadays? Do you think they listen to Stephen Foster on their new fangled Walkmans?
Writer 2: Of course not! Stephen Foster is from another generation! What kids love nowadays is George Gershwin and Irving Caesar! They’re the cat’s pajamas!

Miss Bliss asks Zack if doing a song and dance from the early twentieth century is actually so important to him and Lisa tells her that of course it is because if he keeps doing turn of the century American compositions no one from his generation have heard of, he might be allowed in their club where they can listen to hip artists like George Cohan and Irving Berlin! Oh to be Zack Morris right now!

Of course, his next pledge activity is doing something he’s probably hoped to do for years: carry Screech’s books for him. Is this a club or is it a gay dating service?

In the office, Mr. Belding asks Miss Bliss to be the designated acting principal should he have to be absent. This requires her to be in charge of the school for a week. She enthusiastically agrees on the condition that he get her a new set of encyclopedias so that something is in it for her, despite the fact it could be valuable experience that leads to a promotion. Also, if shes’s going to ask for something, why not that TV shenaskedfor earlier in the series?

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris is hiding from Trevor and Rick and asks Not-Jessie and Lisa not to tell them he’s hiding under their table in plain sight. The two come in looking for Zack Morris and Screech rats him out. They order Zack Morris to go up on stage to do forty jumping jacks, which Not-Slater suddenly thinks is ridiculous despite the fact that he’s been encouraging Zack Morris to be a Rigma.

Zack jumping jacks

Not-Jessie and Lisa soon join in because the writers of this episode can’t maintain continuity for more than a minute and because doing jumping jacks is apparently cruel and unusual punishment for a jock.

Mr. Belding comes in to teach Miss Bliss’s classes while she’s acting as principal because there apparently aren’t enough substitutes to go around and they wanted to givemMr. Belding to do besides burrow up Miss Bliss’s ass the rest of the episode. Mr. Belding sucks ass as a teacher and doesn’t even realize they’re in homeroom. Because he thinks they should be doing something, he suggests they rap about life, M.C. George Gershwin style.

Zack shirtless

Zack Morris comes into class dressed in nothing but a pair of short shorts and his stupid hat with a towel on his shoulder, which I’m pretty sure was discouraged even in the days before strict dress codes. Mr. Belding, because he’s incompetent as a teacher and because the plot demands it, doesn’t think anything of it and just turns into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle while telling Zack Morris, “Cowabunga!”

Belding cowabunga

After class, Terry and Rick approach Zack Morris and, after shooing away everyone else so they can have him to themselves, tell him they have a surprise, which is usually cue for a kid Zack Morris’s age to report the two creepy adults making sexual inuendos towards him. Before they can reveal it, Acting Principal Bliss comes up and asks him, within earshot of Terry and Rick, whether he thinks the Rigmas are taking the pledging too far. He tells Miss Bliss no and she tells Zack Morris about when she was in college and had to eat live goldfish, giving Rick and Terry ideas. Wait, are there no adults in this building who give a damn that you have a nearly naked teenager running around school? What the hell am I watching?

Zack Bliss towel

Terry and Rick show Zack Morris that they have a Rigmas jacket for him but he has to ditch his friends to get it and, because Zack Morris has no sense of loyalty or right and wrong, he agrees to it.

In the office, Miss Bliss has become an extremely popular principal after getting much of the staff exactly what they ask for. Mylo sings her praises as Mr. Belding enters the room and Mr. Belding is butt hurt that it seems like Miss Bliss is a better principal than him. I don’t know what he expected. Despite the fact that she thought nothing strange of a half naked student in school, she’s still the most competent person in the building.

In the cafeteria, Terry and Rick tell Zack Morris, now fully dressed, that it’s time for him to show his loyalty. He goes over to the table where Screech, Lisa, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie are sitting and apologizes for what he’s about to do, as if that makes everything alright. He tells a girl Not-Slater likes about his crush on her, sending him fuming out of the room. He tells Lisa he called her parents and told them about her wearing make-up at school, despite the fact that we later find out he only left a message on the answering machine that she was able to intercept and delete. He calls Screech a nothing, and, in one of the more unintentionally hilarious moments of the episode, he hits Not-Jessie in the face with a piece of pie.

Nikki pie 1

Nikki pie 2

Once Zack Morris has successfully alienated all of his friends, Terry and Rick tell him that he’s in the Rigmas and give him his sparkly new Rigmas jacket.

Zack in the Rigmas

And Rick tells Zack Morris they’ll always be friends forever…forever….

I’m imagining these three dumb asses at Rick’s house after school for some hot butt fucking.

In Miss Bliss’s room, Zack Morris is getting the cold shoulder from his friends, apparently confirming that he has no concept of right and wrong as he thinks they should all just get over it.

Belding teaching

Mr. Belding is teaching historical word associations from index cards and apparently even wrote his name on an index card. He gives a series of historical figures and asks what they each had in common. Everything goes fine until he gets to Judas and Benedict Arnold, whom Not-Jessie says are relatives of Zack Morris. Lisa joins in and a fight looks like it’s about to happen when Mr. Belding drops his note cards. As he’s picking them up, he tells them they can all be friends on the weekends now that he’s in the Rigmas. Not-Slater picks up his jacket and starts tossing it back and forth to Not-Jessie over Zack Morris’s head. Mr. Belding steps in and sends everyone, even the extras, the entire class, to the principal’s office, which may be the dumbest thing Mr. Belding’s done to date considering the chaos this causes in the next scene.

Bliss overwhelmed

In the office, Miss Bliss is overwhelmed by all the extras yelling at once and tries to get all the stories straight, and there’s a stupid gag about her thinking Zack Morris called Screech’s parents and told them Screech wears make-up. Once Miss Bliss realizes Zack Morris is at the center of it all, she tells Mr. Belding to get the rest of the students the fuck out of the office so she can actually do something about it.

Zack Morris tells Miss Bliss the others are just jealous because he’s one of the cool kids now and Miss Bliss tells him to shut the fuck up and actually think about what he’s done. He gets all emo and says no one understands him, that he had to do stupid ass shit to get in the club. Miss Bliss just sends him away without punishment telling him that the price of his jacket was the only four people in the school who tolerate him.

Miss Bliss checks on Mr. Belding and he’s had a horrible day. He’s jealous that everything Miss Bliss does is perfect but then he finds out she didn’t get approval from the school board on anything she did as principal, which brightens his day because it means Miss Bliss isn’t perfect. Wait, I get funding, but why the hell does she need to get school board approval for things like moving the crossing guard and towing an old car from the parking lot or allow a teacher to have a day off? Whatever, the plot demanded it and now that subplot is over.

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris tells the others that he’s decided to choose them over the club so they can take him back now and he acts shocked when they tell him to fuck off because how could someone not capitulate to Zack Morris’s every demand? Terry and Rick come in and tell Zack Morris to come sit with them and they reveal that he’s not really in the Rigmas. Turns out their initiation was to find an eighth grader to pretend to initiate and humiliate, and Zack Morris was their chump. And we get a homoerotic declaration from Terry and Rick of Rigmas forever.

Rigmas forever

Because the episode only has about a minute left, the others instantly decide that Zack Morris has learned his lesson by being humiliated himself and decide to instantly forgive him because they still have one more episode of this show they have to do together. Zack Morris says he just wanted to inflate his sense of importance by being cool instead of hanging around his geeky friends all the time and asks forgiveness. And the episode is wrapped up just in time for Zack Morris to throw his Rigmas jacket away as the credits come on.

Zack throw away

My parting question for this episode: what the hell is a Rigma? I was hoping this episode would get around to telling me but apparently we may never know. And so we have one more episode before we say good bye to Good Morning, Miss Bliss!

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 11: “Stevie”

Just to warn you guys, this one is a doozey. I thought “Wall Street” was bad but it looks like Citizen Kane compared to what I just watched. I never want to watch this episode again.

Waiting for Stevie

In the cold opening (which is inexplicably back after a two episode hiatus), Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, Not-Jessie, and a young Stephen Hawking are waiting on the staircase for some pop singer named “Stevie” to come around. She’s apparently planning to come to JFK to sing the song that her career was launched from on the stage her career was launched from, because lots of pop singers get their starts on the middle school stage. Zack Morris declares, “Me Zack Morris! Stevie belong me!” and Lisa, who is the president of the Stevie Fan Club, tells him to shut the fuck up because Stevie is seventeen years old and would never commit sexual assault by going for him. She would go for River Phoenix instead, once again seriously dating this series. I don’t know what it was with the writers in the Saved by the Bell universe but they seriously liked to talk about girls going for River Phoenix.

Screech cheer

Not-Slater thinks he sees Stevie coming and everyone starts cheering as Screech comes around the corner, who now believes himself to be fuckable. Meanwhile, a stranger sneaks up behind Lisa and asks what’s going on and, oh, wouldn’t you know it, it’s our titular Stevie. I totally didn’t see that one coming. And she’s totally not trying to rip off every famous eighties female pop singer.

Stevie

Let me take this opportunity to voice my biggest problem with this episode. If you’re going to do an episode about a pop singer you should, I don’t know, have an episode with an actual fucking pop singer! As far as I can tell, Stevie is not a real pop singer and the actress playing her wasn’t even trying to become a pop singer so you can’t even claim there’s some Hannah Montana shit going on up in here! If you want to do a pop singer episode, as clichéd as it is, then at least cough up the money to have a cameo by a real fucking pop singer!

Anyway, after the credits, Miss Bliss tells us in her voice over that she’s fucking tired at the end of the school day and very glad she doesn’t have to deal with the little shits she teaches anymore, when Zack Morris and Not-Jessie just randomly come into her classroom arguing. Zack Morris apparently bet Not-Jessie a year of washing gym clothes that he would kiss Stevie, because forcibly kissing pop stars isn’t creepy or prison-worthy at all, and he kissed her poster instead. Miss Bliss, instead of telling them to get the fuck out of her room, tells them that gambling is not allowed in school. And Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris she’ll take as much of that action as she can get. Wait…what? She seriously said that. I’m not even making that up. Did Miss Bliss just hit on Zack Morris?

Zack Morris and Not-Jessie leave the room and Stevie comes in. And, of course, Miss Bliss is a former teacher of Stevie, whom she knows as “Colleen Moore.” Despite the problems Miss Bliss had with someone staying with her just two episodes ago, she invites Stevie to stay with her while she’s in town because Indianapolis is a rural farming town with no hotels that rich celebrities could stay at.

Miss Bliss brings Stevie to the office and Mr. Belding and Mylo seem much too excited to be seeing her, with Mr. Belding encouraging Stevie to give him a big hug and call him Richard. Um, yeah.

Belding Mylo seeing Stevie

A running gag throughout this episode is Stevie constantly getting Mr. Belding’s name wrong and calling him “Mr. Spalding” or “Mr. Spelling” or “Mr. Spelding,” which I kind of chuckled at because it serves the purpose of bringing Mr. Belding down a few pegs. Mr. Spelling introduces Stevie to Mylo and he delivers his usual Mylo creepiness, but it’s amplified even more this time as he pulls a Misery-esque act on Stevie and tells her, “I love your records!”

Mylo Stevie

Yeah, keep in mind throughout this episode that Stevie is seventeen. This entire episode is so fucking creepy.

Anyway, Stevie wants to sing her song to one special person at JFK and, after Mr. Spelling gets the false impression that she wants to sing it to him, Miss Bliss clarifies that Stevie wants to sing it to a male student. Yeah, everyone in this episode is a pervert.

In the cafeteria, Lisa tells Not-Jessie that Tina asked her to pick someone to interview Stevie for the school newspaper and, of course, she picked herself. My biggest question is why Tina is in charge of the fucking school newspaper. That’s usually handled by a teacher with an English or a Journalism degree, not a psychopathic woman who likes to play dress-up and rarely teaches at all.

Tina Bliss

Miss Bliss and Tina talk about how they can’t believe that Colleen grew up to be Stevie and Tina claims she knew it from her first time in her music class. Can I assume that Tina was a lesser influence than Miss Bliss since Stevie came to visit Miss Bliss and is staying at Miss Bliss’s house, not Tina’s? Miss Bliss says that success hasn’t changed Stevie because she’s still a sloppy teenager. And Miss Bliss tells Tina to keep her fucking mouth shut about Stevie staying at Miss Bliss’s house because no one else knows.

Zack Morris comes in and tells Not-Jessie he’s going to be the one Stevie picks to sing the song to, and Screech does a really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation as he declares he will pump Stevie up. And Not-Jessie thinks Stevie is a manipulator who will do anything for publicity. Get it: Not-Jessie has the complete opposite point of view about Stevie from Miss Bliss. I guess it’s supposed to be ironic.

Colleen accepted

Stevie comes bounding down the stairs at Miss Bliss’s house, now dressed as normal person Colleen, and tells Miss Bliss she got accepted at Notre Dame. Miss Bliss asks Stevie when she decided to go to college and she says since the writers needed a forced subplot that contributes nothing to the episode. Miss Bliss wants to know what Stevie is going to do about her music career and Stevie tells her not to worry because she’ll never be mentioned in the Saved by the Bell universe again after this episode so no one will give a shit.

Zack Lisa Screech locker

Zack Morris is getting information on Stevie from Lisa so he can guarantee that he’ll be the one she sings the song to. She tells Zack Morris that Stevie loves charities, stray animals, and lost causes, making Zack Morris a shoo in as the winner but he gets a plan to ensure he’ll be chosen.

Stevie comes in and tells Mr. Spelling that she’s picked the boy she’s going to sing to, a young boy who’s dying. And Mr. Spelling, for the first time in the franchise, believes one of Zack Morris’s stories when he says he can’t believe Zack Morris is dying.

Mr. Spelling announces on the intercom that Zack Morris has been selected for Stevie to sing to and for him to come to the principal’s office. On his way, he’s stopped by Mylo, who, in the one time he tries to do something useful for the school, shows that the writers forgot to tell his character that Zack Morris had been called to the principal’s office seconds earlier and demands to see a hall pass. Mr. Spelling is loitering in the hall for some reason rather than waiting for Zack Morris in his office and tells Zack Morris that Stevie showed him the letter. Mylo demands that Zack Morris be punished for breaking the rule he didn’t break and, instead of telling Mylo to fuck off and start listening to his announcements, Mr. Spelling whispers about Zack Morris’s condition into Mylo’s ear.

In the cafeteria, Lisa and Not-Jessie are interviewing Stevie and Not-Jessie practically has a panic attack as she tells Stevie that she’s a selfish bastard for going to college and not thinking about her. Wait, how did they find out about Stevie going to college? She literally just decided a few scenes ago! That’s not enough time to get the information into the media! And Stevie, in typical late eighties propaganda, tells the girls that singing isn’t everything and a college education is really important, because even if you are successful and make millions of dollars, you’re a worthless piles of shit if you don’t have a college education.

In Miss Bliss’s room, Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris that Mr. Spelling showed her the note from the doctor and there’s a brief moment that, if you’ve never watched this show before and you’ve been living under a rock your whole life, you may belief that Miss Bliss bought Zack Morris’s story. Miss Bliss shows she has some schadenfreude in her when she tells Zack Morris she knows a cure for his condition and has him hop on one leg with his arms in the air while he clucks like a chicken.

Zack cure

She then proceeds to tell him he’s a sociopathic manipulative dumb ass and that he needs to report to Mr. Spelling’s office right away.

That night, Zack Morris goes over to Miss Bliss’s house to apologize and ask her to tell Stevie how sorry he is. Stevie, in her Colleen costume, answers the door and the two bond as Stevie tries to find out if Zack Morris wants to fuck her and, because everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe lacks facial recognition skills and apparently doesn’t know her real first name, he doesn’t realize she’s Stevie. Stevie totally doesn’t think it’s creepy that Zack Morris was trying to forcibly kiss her to win a bet and, on his way out, the seventeen year old who was just admitted to college gives the fourteen year old junior high student a hot and sexy closed mouth kiss.

Zack Colleen kiss

That night, they hold the concert in the cafeteria/auditorium, and Tina says some scalper offered her $200 for her faculty ID, which I find completely implausible because no one wants to be Tina. And, considering Miss Bliss and Tina appear to be the only adults and non-students present at the concert, this throw away line makes no sense.

Not-Jessie brought her gym bag to the concert and Not-Slater exposits about how Zack Morris will have detention for his Stevie prank because the writers wanted to wrap up all the loose strings of this episode in the next few minutes and Zack Morris admits he lost the bet. So Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie are in the front row for the concert, of course, and Lisa says it’s the last time Stevie will ever play, because she totally can’t sing while she’s in college because the Catholic nuns that the writers no doubt think Notre Dame has would totally beat the shit out of her for it.

And so Stevie comes out dressed in a horrible eighties style gold dress and sings a horrible song for the kids, and we are treated to the entire song, complete with her molesting Screech on stage, who she apparently choose to sing the song to instead of Zack Morris.

Her song is called “Hotline to your Heart.” After hearing the song, I just want to give her the number for the Rejection Hotline.

Stevie Dance 1

Stevie Dance 2

Stevie Dance 3

Stevie Dance 4

She also takes the opportunity to molest another junior high student on stage in front of witnesses while she’s at it.

Stevie Screech 1

Stevie Screech 2

And Screech does the classy thing that women love and cheers that he got some.

Stevie Screech 3

She goes into the audience, forcing all the teen boys present to hide the erections they’re no doubt getting.

Stevie Audience

She then goes up to the front and gyrates in front of Zack Morris, which he seems to think is hot. He tells Stevie that was great, and she only tells him that her friends call her “Colleen” and walks backstage, leaving him in shock and disbelief.

Zack gets a clue

And, of course, no one will believe Zack Morris that he won the bet and Not-Jessie shoves her gym clothes at him. The episode ends as he rushes backstage to find Stevie and prove he got some, and I can only imagine that, as the end credits are rolling, he’s having the crap beat out of him by security for rushing the backstage area.

By the way, if you’re curious, here are what I think are the lyrics for her “hit.” I had to listen several times with high quality ear buds and I’m still not completely sure if I got them right. If I didn’t, fuck it! It’s a horrible song that I’ve now listened to more times than anyone should have to. And if you, too, want to suffer through it, we’ve been blessed with a video of it on YouTube.

Don’t want to phone your eyes and avoid my stare,
I know you just don’t care what I do.
It’s going on for days, it’s somewhere off in space,
And I just can’t get it through to you!

Emergency! I’m burning up!
Emergency! I’m a torch!
If there’s a hotline to your heart!
I need direct connection before we we drift apart!
Hotline to your heart!
And there without affection!
I need a, I need a hotline, yeah!

Don’t try to shut me out of your life.
I’m just a tryin’ to make it right!
You’ve nothing left to lose!

Hotline!
I, I, I, need a hotline!
Give me a hotline to your heart!
I need direct connection before we drift apart!
Hotline to your heart!
Can’t live without affection!
You know I need a hotline to your heart!
I can’t live without you, live without you, live without you baby!

Yeah, what a great message for teenagers. I can’t live without you. Maybe Screech will commit suicide next time Lisa rejects him now.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 10: “Practical Jokes”

No cold opening again. I wonder at this point if they abandoned them for some reason. Oh well.

It’s Hoosier Harvest Week at JFK Junior High, a completely made up holiday that apparently is accompanied by bonfires, hay rides, and practical jokes. Showing once again that the writers of this series know absolutely nothing about Indianapolis, they now assume that Indianapolis is a farming community. Just because the majority of Indiana is farm land doesn’t mean that the fucking thirteenth largest city in the nation is farm land. I swear, this series makes One Day at a Time look fucking brilliant in its portrayal of Indiana’s capital. Bah! Why am I trying at this point? This series is over in three more episodes anyway!

Miss Bliss tells us in voice over that, in her eleven years at JFK, no one has ever successfully pulled a practical joke on her and she hopes they’ll fucking quit before she has to slap the shit out of them. We cut to Miss Bliss’s class, where Zack Morris and Lisa are setting up a bucket of water above the door for Miss Bliss to soak herself in. Not-Slater comes in and warns them Miss Bliss is on her way, and, of course, Miss Bliss sneaks in through the rear door that’s only used when it’s convenient to the plot.

Bliss Screech

She tells them they might as well fucking give up trying to prank her because this is totally not a set up for the rest of the episode, but she leaves the bucket of water up. Gee, I wonder if that’s going to be a gag in like a minute? She also uses her psychic power to successfully avoid a very strange and elaborate prank set up by Not-Slater and Not-Jessie involving a map and lots and lots of cocaine cleverly disguised as chalk dust. I guess we now know where they’ve been keeping their stash because there’s no fucking way they got it all in there this morning before Miss Bliss came in, especially considering Not-Slater was out of the room part of the time.

Bliss chalk map

Miss Bliss is trying to teach a lesson on the judicial system and she’s fucking pissed that these practical jokes are distracting the students from studying and tells them to cut that shit out. She tells them that only a dumb ass would fall for them. Right at that moment, Mr. Belding comes in the room and is covered in the water that was conveniently never taken down from earlier.

Belding drenched

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris has put chili pepper in Miss Bliss’s cole slaw and Not-Jessie spiked her tomato juice with Tabasco sauce. And, of course, Miss Bliss gives them to Mr. Belding to eat instead.

Belding cole slaw

The next day, Miss Bliss tells the class that there are to be no more jokes in her class and she’s super serious. Just then, she sits down in her chair and discovers someone has painted the back, ruining her sweater.

Bliss chair

No one will confess to putting paint on her chair and Miss Bliss tells them she’s going to go change her sweater and someone better fucking confess or it’s spankings all around. While she is gone, the class realizes that everyone was together except Screech, and they decide Screech must have done it. He’s initially happy to confess and receive credit for it until Miss Bliss tells him that it’s spankings and reparations for him, which cause him to drop to his knees, a familiar stance for him.

Screech beg

Miss Bliss tells the class there’s only one way to determine if Screech is innocent or not despite the fact he just confessed and that’s to hold a trial. Wait, no, there’s investigation and involving the principal. This is a stupid idea. Frankly, I would not have wanted my eighth grade classmates determining my guilt or innocence.

Judge Bliss

The next day, Not-Slater is acting as bailiff as Miss Bliss enters the court in full judge’s robes. Not-Jessie is the prosecutor and, of course, Zack Morris is the defense attorney, which is grounds for an appeal right there. Miss Bliss tells Screech that, if he’s innocent, he should trust in the system because it works, which leads me to conclude that she’s never heard of the Innocence Project.

Not-Jessie calls Lisa as a surprise witness. Lisa testifies that she heard Screech say in the cafeteria that he was planning a prank on Miss Bliss and that she saw him stash a can in his locker. Zack Morris cross examines Lisa and contends that she was under extreme duress from breaking a nail and couldn’t have seen straight, which I can actually believe with Lisa.

Tina balloon

In the office, Tina is filling balloons with helium because apparently helium filled balloons cheer up Mr. Belding? Mylo comes in and spouts a bunch of bullshit about needing one and a half union employees to use helium. I kind of wish Mylo would piss Tina off so she’d pick up the helium tank and smack him across the face with it and Tina would be arrested for assault. This would solve two problems with one solution.

Mr. Belding comes out and puts glue on a telephone receiver to try and get Miss Bliss. Of course, when the telephone rings, he makes it as fucking obvious as possible since he asks Miss Bliss to answer the phone despite the fact he’s standing next to the phone and Miss Bliss is at the mailboxes. She tells him to go fuck himself because nobody puts Bliss in a corner. And she gives him a subpoena to her class trial, after which he picks up the telephone he put glue on like a dumb ass.

Belding telephone

Mr. Belding, complete with telephone glued to his right hand, appears in Miss Bliss’s court and Zack Morris gets to examine him first. Zack Morris asks Mr. Belding if he’s ever had Screech in his office for disciplinary problems and, despite the fact that Screech was in Mr. Belding’s office two episodes ago for his role in releasing rats in the school, the writers said to hell with continuity and had Mr. Belding answer in the negative. Not-Jessie counters that he would not consider Lisa a troublemaker despite the fact that she had a role in the water prank that got him, effectively ratting out Lisa to make a pretty good point that everyone can get in trouble for the first time.

Miss Bliss asks Not-Jessie if she has any other witnesses. Wait, why did Zack Morris get to examine Mr. Belding first if he was Not-Jessie’s witness? Come on, guys, if you’re going to do an episode on the judicial system, you’ve got to get these little details right! All it takes is watching one episode of Perry Mason. It’s not like they had to read law journals. Anyway, Not-Jessie wants to introduce evidence against Screech that she collected from his locker but Zack Morris counters that this is a fucking police state and Not-Jessie collected evidence illegally in violation of the fourth amendment, prompting Miss Bliss to throw the evidence out.

Screech suit

The bell rings and we immediately cut to the next day when court is back in session, and Screech is dressed as Steve Urkel trying to be my grandfather. Zack Morris calls Screech to the stand and asks a single question: Did you do it? Screech says no fucking way and Zack Morris declares no further questions and the defense rests. Of course, this is what happens when you hire Zack Morris to defend you: you’re fucked. Not-Jessie cross examines by asking Screech whether he said in front of witnesses that he would get Miss Bliss, which he admits, despite the fact that Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, and she all said the same thing. She asks whether he went to his locker that day to get something to pull off his practical joke, which he doesn’t want to answer and Zack Morris objects to on fifth amendment grounds, which I find hard to believe since that means Zack Morris is familiar with at least two of the amendments.

For closing arguments, Not-Jessie argues that Screech had means, motive, and opportunity. Zack Morris calls bullshit and argues that nobody has presented any evidence that shows Screech did it, which he’s actually right about except for the whole Screech confessed to it thing which doesn’t seem to factor in at all.

Screech face

After a brief deliberation because we’re already nineteen minutes and forty seconds into the episode, the jury finds Screech not guilty due to lack of evidence. Not-Slater asks who did it if not Screech. Miss Bliss tells them the culprit is in the room and should stand up now, after which she stands up. Turns out she painted her own chair in an effort to get them all to study their textbooks for a trial because they were so distracted by practical jokes. As usual, this makes no fucking sense. What if Screech hadn’t been such a dumb ass and admitted to doing something he didn’t do? Wouldn’t that have fucked up the entire plan?

Miss Bliss walks with Screech through the hallway telling him he was a good sport for being the victim of a giant frame up she orchestrated that essentially humiliated him for no reason but she doesn’t understand why he took the fifth when he knew he didn’t do it. Miss Bliss helps Screech open his locker and, of course, joke snakes, silly string, and confetti come streaming out of Screech’s locker onto Miss Bliss, which prompts me to ask why this didn’t happen to Not-Jessie when she broke into Screech’s locker illegally collecting evidence. But, whatever, it’s done, finished, kaput, and I never have to think about the stupid Hoosier Harvest Week again!

Bliss snakes

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 9: “Let’s Get Together”

There’s no cold opening for this episode. I always find it really strange when shows establish a convention such as a cold opening and then randomly abandon it for one or more episodes.

After the credits, Miss Bliss laments in her voice over that she doesn’t know how to teach cooperation, which made me hope that this was the episode where Screech brokered a peace between the United States and Soviet governments by threatening to disrobe if they didn’t put aside their grievances. But, of course, Zack Morris and Not-Jessie come walking in right at that moment fighting because Zack Morris pushed Not-Jessie out of her seat on the bus to accommodate a cute girl having lost all appreciation for Not-Jessie he gained in the last episode when she helped him get his stupid ski trip on John Deere’s pig farm, and we suddenly realize that it’s going to be yet another episode about Zack Morris’s ego instead.

Amesican Inventions

Miss Bliss writes the class project on the board, which apparently involves “Amesican Inventions.” I wish this was Geography so we could ask Miss Bliss where the hell Amesican is. She tells the class that it’s time for class projects and she has a group of things that were invented by the Amesican people in the late 1800’s on her desk. And Zack Morris is doing his best mocking of Not-Jessie as she answers a question, because knowing stuff is so uncoool.

Zack Niki mock

The project is for each team to convince Miss Bliss to buy their invention as if she’d never heard of it before, which is actually quite a clever way of getting kids to learn about the motivations behind inventions. Screech and a student we’ve never seen before named Jennifer are doing the camera, and she overdoes it a bit on letting us know she doesn’t want to be teamed up with Screech.

Screech Jennifer

Lisa and Not-Slater are doing the typewriter which, of course, Lisa doesn’t want to do because she’ll break her nails. Didn’t she say a few episodes ago her parents didn’t know about her wearing make-up? How does she get away with the nails, then? Meanwhile, Not-Jessie is continuing to fight with Zack Morris and says the hoe bag he pushed her out of the way for wasn’t even that cute. Gee, I wonder who they’ll be paired up with.

Niki Zack fight

Yes, of course Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are paired up to do the telephone.

That night, we see Miss Bliss at her house typing on the nail breaking monster…with a pencil in her mouth for some reason. She has a deadline to meet for an article she’s writing for Good Earth magazine. What the fuck kind of name is that for a magazine? Is it an environmental magazine or a cooking magazine or what? And when did Miss Bliss become a writer? This is a trait we’ve never been told about before.

Bliss typewriter

Miss Bliss’s doorbell rings and it’s Tina. Miss Bliss wants to know why the fuck Tina is coming over to her house at midnight. Tina has gotten kicked out of her apartment by her boyfriend Donny because she followed Miss Bliss’s advice to be honest, because honesty is not the best policy when your boyfriend has the power to make you homeless. She blames Miss Bliss for it because honesty was Tina wanted to get married and she threatened to break up with Donny unless he married her. I don’t fully understand Tina’s living conditions here. It almost sounds as if Donny is her landlord because she says he already rented her apartment to someone else, which is illegal under Indiana law. You have to give at least thirty days notice. And where the fuck are all her belongings? Did Donny rent those too?

Bliss comforting Tina

And, of course, Miss Bliss invites Tina to stay at her house. Which can only end with good things, right?

Tina broom

Later, Tina has…stuck a broom handle down the sink. Wait, what? How did she manage that? Even if Miss Bliss has a garbage disposal, a broom handle would only go so far before it encountered something…like a blade. Miss Bliss comes in from a jog and discovers that Tina has destroyed some priceless family crystal, used her bran muffin for a shitty protein drink, and somehow managed to destroy her dish towel in the garbage disposal. The explanation, that she was using the towel to clean up pieces of broken glass, makes no fucking sense especially since you have to flip a switch to turn on the garbage disposal. Oh, and the last straw is that Tina has used up all the hot water. Miss Bliss is going to fuck up a bitch.

Bliss annoyed

At school, Not-Jessie and Zack Morris have agreed to lay aside their differences for the project but they quickly start disagreeing on little things like “facts” and “figures” which Zack Morris is too lazy to bother looking into. Instead, he wants to give a flashy presentation because obviously a presentation with facts and figures can’t be fun and flashy too!

Miss Bliss and Tina are late because Tina insisted they drive by Donny’s house three times. At this point, I think it’s Miss Bliss’s own fault since she was the driver. I’d be all like, “Fuck that shit! We’re going to work, biatch, where you can work out your codependent need for a man out with your non-existent classes!” Mr. Belding comes out and pushes Miss Bliss to tell him what’s wrong and she takes it out on him, and very deservedly I’d say. Fuck him trying to force her to tell him what’s wrong. We do find out they’ve worked together for eleven years.

Screech is not being creepy towards Jennifer at all as he stares directly at her while eating. And this brings up what I guess is a running gag that I’ve just never seen fit to talk about: Screech eats soup out of a giant thermos. Everyday. Like it’s all he has for lunch. Yeah, I don’t get how it’s funny, especially since I’ve known quite a few people who do this.

Screech creepy

Jennifer tells Screech to back the fuck off before she slaps the shit out of him but he just starts up about how he wanted to fuck her at first sight.

Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are still fighting over how to do their presentation and Not-Jessie says she’s had enough of Zack Morris’s bullshit.

Back at Miss Bliss’s house, Tina is playing Dance Dance Revolution while Miss Bliss tries to work on her article.

Tina dance

Tina dance 2

Tina dance 3

Miss Bliss tells Tina to shut the fuck up and Tina agrees to take her music to the kitchen but not before telling Miss Bliss that she’s invited her therapy group on Thursday. Tina then invites herself to move in permanently. The thought of both having Tina there permanently as well as having a dozen Tinas running around the house on Thursday finally sets Miss Bliss off, and she tells Tina to get the fuck out, that she’s an annoying freeloading sack of shit. Tina gets butt hurt and is all, “Why does everyone hate me and kick me out?” despite the fact that it’s quite clear she’s a pushy, freeloading, codependent, narcissistic whino. And Miss Bliss’s face shows guilt as we go into commercial break. No Miss Bliss! Stand your ground! Don’t let this psychopath order you around!

At school, Mylo is screaming into the PA microphone to see if it works and Mr. Belding tells him to shut the fuck up. Miss Bliss comes in and Mylo’s all, “You a bitch Miss Bliss for kicking out Tina!” And Miss Bliss is all, “Shut the fuck up and mind your own business you worthless cast member who will be deservedly cut after just four more episodes. You’re lucky you even got a brief scene in this motherfucking episode that you don’t have shit to do with!” Mylo’s leaves butthurt because no one wrote a subplot for him in this episode or any other episode that was worthy anything. Tina comes in all passive-aggressive and tells Miss Bliss she stabbed her best friend in the back, which makes me wonder who this best friend is we’ve never seen on screen, but it’s clear the writers intend Tina to be the best friend. And my thoughts: if only Miss Bliss had gotten a knife out of the kitchen and gone all Manson family on Tina’s ass. Then maybe I’d be done with at least one stupid supporting character for the next four episodes.

Screech kiss

It’s time for presentations and Screech takes a picture of himself molesting Jennifer. She’s all, “Give me that photograph you pervert!” but Zack Morris and Not-Slater egg him on. When will people learn not to encourage Screech? When you encourage Screech, this is what happens:

1253739300_diamond-290

And this:

Boxing1

Or, worst of all, this:

screeched

Not-Slater and Lisa and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie go tomorrow, and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie stay after class, telling Miss Bliss they have to talk. Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are all like my partner’s a moron and Miss Bliss is all, “Shut the fuck up and work it out you whiny little babies!” Not-Jessie is all, “But you can’t get along with Tina, bitch!” And Miss Bliss is all, “Mind your own business, hoe bags, and do your project or I’ll give you both F’s and spankings and no going to California for high school!”

At Miss Bliss’s house, Tina is still acting like a passive-aggressive bitch as she searches for apartments, which shouldn’t be hard because INDIANAPOLIS IS NOT A SMALL FUCKING CITY! God, I don’t blame Miss Bliss for being sick of you. You’re a fucking moocher on top of everything else. Tina continues acting like an entitled bitch and storms out of Miss Bliss’s house.

At school, we come in on the end of Not-Slater and Lisa’s presentation because they didn’t get a subplot this week so why should we even bother to know what their presentation is about. It gets a B+ anyway, which they’re excited about. But why the fuck is Miss Bliss dressed up like Ma Ingalls?

Bliss Prarie

And then it’s all Not-Jessie and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie is all about the facts, figures, and statistics. Their presentation is going horribly when Zack Morris picks up a cordless phone and plays the telephone game.

Zack Niki presentation

Zack Morris uses the presentation to try and talk things out with Not-Jessie and she finally gets the point of his part of the presentation. Apparently they used to play Little League together and Zack Morris melts Not-Jessie’s icy heart. They get an A- and I have to wonder what the fuck a person has to do on this project to get an A, shove the invention down Miss Bliss’s throat? Or up Mylo’s ass?

And because we have two minutes left and there’s one more subplot to wrap up, Tina knocks at Miss Bliss’s door. Tina has a peace offering of a bran muffin. And everything is alright because Tina learned a valuable lesson about friendship off camera that we will never understand how she got to. Tina’s rented the guest house on the next block and threatens Miss Bliss that they will be bosom buddies forevermore because she will always be the same annoying person she was in episode one when the series ends.

Bliss Tina muffin

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 8: “The Boy Who Cried Rat”

Zack studying

In the cold opening, everyone is beside themselves that Zack Morris is studying. Apparently his father promised him a ski trip if he got a B on the History midterm. Skiing in the flat, fertile corn fields and cow pastures. There’s nothing like it! I mean, growing up in Indiana I could never wait for winter to come so I could go to Indianapolis and ski! It was what all kids growing up in Indiana looked forward to. We laughed in pompous arrogance at those to the south and east of us who had mountains because who needs mountains when you can just ski through John Deere’s pig farm.

So, just to review, Good Morning, Miss Bliss thinks Indianapolis is a small town and thinks Indiana is a winter sports state. Yeah. They probably think the entire state of Tennessee looks like The Beverly Hillbillies, too.

After the opening, Miss Bliss tells us in her voice over that there’s always one student looking for the easy way out of her midterms. And here, on one of the shots producers hope you won’t pay attention to, is Miss Bliss’s advice for studying for her midterm.

Bliss Midterm Review

“Learn important dates” is horrible advice as this gives absolutely no clue what students should be studying, and since Lisa would take this to mean that putting out for the members of Sons of the American Revolution is the best way to brush up on her knowledge of the Revolutionary War. “Review Social Studies” is even worse advice. That’s like giving a test on Moby Dick and, for the review, telling students they should, “Review Literature,” or the study guide for morticians being, “Review dead people.”

Bliss Challenge

Miss Bliss tells her class that she’s going to have something called the “Bliss Challenge” to study for the History Midterm and the winning team gets a magical homemade looking purple shirt that will transport them to the land of Hogwarts where they will become wizards and have lots of adventures and battles until one of them appears nude on stage for a play about horse mutilation. The students all sound unimpressed and concerned that they may be relegated to the role of Ron Weasley until Miss Bliss bribes them with pizza at Cosmo’s on Friday.

Belding Bliss Announcement

In the office, Mr. Belding makes an announcement that Miss Bliss is a finalist for School Days magazine’s teacher of the year award, a magazine read by teachers who have way too much free time on their hands and need an ego boost. But why is Mr. Belding making the announcement with Miss Bliss standing right next to him, especially when it’s obvious given the look on her face that he hasn’t told her yet? Really, I hate being bombarded with shit like that. At least find out if she wants it announced first for Christ’s sake. In any case, Mr. Belding is a selfish, egotistical shit who is only excited because of how good Miss Bliss winning the award would make him look. Mr. Belding is butt hurt because Miss Bliss doesn’t want to thank him during the award banquet should she win and insinuates she would thank Mylo for the award but not Mr. Belding. I wish she wasn’t joking here. As useless as Mylo usually is, he at least looks good in a tuxedo as we found out last week. Why doesn’t she just shove that microphone down Mr. Belding’s throat?

Zack scheming

In the hallway, Zack Morris wants Screech to help him postpone the midterm. And what’s his scheme this week? Why, to release Screech’s rats in the school, forcing the school to shut down while pest control comes in. At this point, I’m backing away from the screen and shaking my head in confusion.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Seriously, guys…why the fuck would this shut the school down? The school is not a twenty-four hour a day Wal-Mart. As long as the rats aren’t shitting in the lunches, what’s the problem? You have the exterminators come in after school is closed! What the fuck kind of stupid ass plan is this? Why the fuck would anyone ever think it would work! I’ve seen some dumb ass shit but this would take the cake if it wasn’t for the episode of Full House that was all about Michelle’s feet growing gigantic…or virtually any other episode of Full House.

And, because Zack Morris has a tight psychological grip on Screech, Screech agrees to the plan after Zack Morris promises him a double date with twins followed by a sweet four way where Zack Morris might give Screech a reach around..

There’s a scene next where Mr. Belding kisses Miss Bliss’s ass about the award that seems to serve no purpose other than Miss Bliss telling us what she has to do to get the award: be interviewed and have her class observed.

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris and Screech deliver some exposition about how the plan is underway and the rats have been set free. Not-Jessie and Lisa come in and Screech makes a transphobic joke as Lisa talks about one of the rats eating her lipstick. Not-Slater comes in and asks who took a hunk out of his Twinkie. Seriously, why would you just walk in and that be your immediate question? And where was he storing his Twinkie that he thought one of his classmates might be the culprit? Did he have them hidden up Zack Morris’s rectum?

The three exit to tell Mr. Belding about the rats and Zack Morris ups the ante by scaring Tina and his fellow students about the rats, and Tina calmly reacts by screaming and jumping up in a chair with her tray perfectly balanced.

Tina chair

And then this walks in.

Mylo bat

Mylo bat 3

Mylo bat 2

And I fully expected that Mylo had finally snapped and was about to beat the crap out of everyone in the cafeteria with his baseball bat. But apparently this is his method of exterminating rats. Seriously, where did the school find this guy and why did they put him in charge of anything? And, for some reason, Screech is disturbed to find out that Mylo intends to kill his rats. What the fuck did he think they were going to do with them? Dress them up and send Miss Bliss out on a date with them?

Mr. Belding brings Dr. Atwater, the representative from School Days, to meet Miss Bliss. and interview her to see whether she is worthy of this great honor School Days wishes to bestow upon her. There’s some insinuation that Dr. Atwater wants the doors locked because she wants privacy and the insinuations are obvious: Dr. Atwater is a sleeper agent from the CIA come to kidnap Mr. Belding and three of his students and place them in new homes in California.

Belding Like This

It’s obvious that Mr. Belding doesn’t know fuck about Miss Bliss, and Mylo comes in to tell Mr. Belding about the rats, ending a very painful exchange and scene.

Oh my God. My mind is blown. Mylo convinces Mr. Belding he needs to close the school. Guys, in the history of bad writing, there has seldom been such fiercely terrible and unbelievable plot situations. This is the sort of bad that Ayn Rand and E.L. James only wish they could reach. I don’t have anything more to say about this other than fuck the writer who thought this was believable. Fuck him hard in the ass with Mylo’s baseball bat. And I won’t even mention that principals do not have the unilateral authority to just close their schools.

Zack Morris is ecstatic that he has shut the school down for…a week. Seriously, I can’t take much more of this plot. This is beyond asinine. And Zack Morris feels guilty as Mr. Belding comes in and tells Miss Bliss that Dr. Atwater can’t reschedule her observation of Miss Bliss’s class meaning she’s out of the running for the award, because when someone gives an award they always only give themselves exactly a week to decide whom to award it to just in case a bad Disney Channel show ever wants to base a plot on it..

Zack Niki stairs

After a commercial break, Zack Morris is sitting in the middle of the stairs obstructing students who need to go upstairs and tells Not-Jessie that he’s a piece of shit for ruining Miss Bliss’s chances of winning the award. Not-Jessie tells him he needs to man up and tell Miss Bliss the truth. She tells him she’ll give him hot study sex if he does and he rushes off to find Miss Bliss.

In Miss Bliss’s room, Miss Bliss tells Tina she’s slightly upset about being disqualified for the award.

Bliss upset

Zack Morris comes in the room, and we cut to him and Screech sitting in the office.

Zack Screech principal

Mr. Belding tells the two that there will be school the next day and Miss Bliss will be evaluated, but they have two weeks of detention. But he tells them if they can fix the contest to allow Miss Bliss to win he may cut their detention time. And thus ends the most asinine plot so far in the Saved by the Bell universe. It figures such an asinine plot is ended in such an asinine way.

And we cut to the Bliss Challenge, where Miss Miss is cross dressing as Ulysses S. Grant.

Bliss as Grant

Followed by Theodore Roosevelt.

Bliss as Rossevelt

And Snoopy pretending to be the Red Baron.

Bliss as Wright Brother

And a woman in a bad hat. She apparently also believes the Pilgrims to be our Founding Fathers, even though this term is usually reserved for the signers of the Declaration of Independence and other important Revolutionary War era people.

Bliss as pilgrim

Seriously none of this shit was on the chalkboard at the beginning of the episode for the kids to study, unless this is Miss Bliss’s idea of “Study Social Studies.” And how is stuff from the Pilgrims up through the early twentieth century on a midterm? That’s like enough material for the end of year final! Also, while Miss Bliss’s methods may make review fun, they’re hardly revolutionary in teaching. This is basically just a study version of Jeopardy minus the trademark infringing that would get the producers sued.

Dr. Atwater comes in to observe Miss Bliss’s class, and her reaction to sitting next to Zack Morris seems to be one of revulsion towards his sexual advances and a desire for him to stay as far the fuck away from her as possible, but it’s more likely the writers intended to convey that she doesn’t like kids, even though this does not play into the plot of the episode whatsoever nor is it particularly funny.

Zack Atwater

The kids all try to suck up and kiss ass now that Dr. Atwater is in the room and Miss Bliss finally tells her to get the fuck out, that she’s teaching her and her ass is only a distraction. Dr. Atwater tells Miss Bliss she better check herself before she wrecks herself and that she’s going to tell her colleagues at School Days what a rude ass she is kicking someone out rather than telling the students to shut the fuck up, but Miss Bliss is insistent.

Atwater

I’m assuming it’s at least a few days later in the next scene because Miss Bliss is passing back the midterms. Zack Morris got a B+ and he thanks Not-Jessie for her help and the two look as if they want to do some hot fucking. And Zack Morris does his best impression of David Caruso wearing the sunglasses they give you at the optometrist when they dilate your eyes.

Zack sunglasses

Mr. Belding comes in with an envelope with a letter telling Miss Bliss that she’s won the teacher of the year award. And they do their happy dance.

Bliss Belding High Five

This episode hurt my brain and that’s all I want to think about it.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 7: “Save the Last Dance for Me”

In our cold opening, Not-Slater is wetting himself over the fact that he gets to tutor some girl named Shana in Math, because nothing gets me more in the mood for hot fucking than quadratic equations. He finds out she broke up with her boyfriend and, as soon as she’s out of sight, he starts doing jumping jacks in celebration.

Mikey jump

Miss Bliss’s voice over informs us that JFK hasn’t had an eighth grade dance in six years, apparently because two guys got into a fight and one broke the other’s nose. A law suit resulted that lead to the school paying for a nose job for the breakee. This makes absolutely no fucking sense. First of all, why would the school be liable for something two hormone-driven teenagers do in the heat of passion? And why would this lead to the school not holding a dance because of something that could happen at school any other time.

Oh, but Not-Jessie is leading the charge to get the dance reinstated and, wouldn’t you know it, it’s fucking Mr. Belding who refuses to have another dance. Not-Jessie pleads her case and I’m with her on this: it’s fucking ridiculous and completely unfair that these kids are being punished for something that happened when they were eight years old.

Niki pleading

And, of course, because Miss Bliss is the only adult at JFK with any semblance of sanity, she decides to take the students’ plea to Mr. Belding. And she brings Tina along to help since Tina is fluent in bat shit crazy. In the process of the conversation we find out just how much Mr. Belding abuses his position to get revenge on someone who stole his date in the eighth grade, which is quite disturbing. Why is this man in charge of a school full of kids?

Because, why not, Mr. Belding agrees to let her have the dance as long as it happens the next Saturday and as long as she agrees to chaperon it. Miss Bliss is initially resistant since she has a pity fuck with some guy named Sherman who she knows through an environmental charity scheduled for next Saturday, but she eventually agrees since she realizes she’d rather supervise a room full of horny teenagers than dish out pity sex.

Niki Lisa dates

Not-Jessie is excited because someone actually asked her to the dance but Lisa is all like fuck that shit! You can’t just say yes to a guy! You have to string them along until you’re sure no better guy will come along. Yeah, Lisa is a bitch.

Mikey Zack restroom

Not-Slater literally locks Zack Morris in the restroom for what I assumed would be hot gay butt fucking but turns out to just be a desire on Not-Slater’s part for advice on how to ask an unnamed girl out to the dance. Zack Morris is just like tell that hoe you want to fuck!

Zack Shana

In the hallway, Shana approaches Zack Morris and insinuates she needs a date to the dance and that there will be hot fucking afterwards. Zack Morris’s dick goes *bing* and he’s all like, “Girl, you want to go to the dance with me?” and she’s all like, “Sure! I hope my insinuations about how I want in your underwear weren’t too subtle!”

In the cafeteria, Shana finds Not-Slater and she’s excited she got a B+ on her test. Not-Slater sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask Shana to the dance but Shana’s all, “Fuck off. I’m going with Zack Morris and he’s gonna finger bang me after the dance!” And Not-Slater is dejected he’s not going to be the one doing the finger banging.

Mikey rejected

For some reason, Mr. Belding is communicating his unreasonable demands for the dance through Mylo, who informs Miss Bliss that there is to be no band, no slow dancing, and no fun at the dance. I guess Mr. Belding thinks the happening thing to do at an eighth grade dance is to stand around and chant the rosary with a lady friend. Mylo is all like, “This is fucking bullshit,” and throws his papers up in the air. And this is a first for me: the first episode I actually like Mylo.

Lisa apparently has had ten and a half people ask her out to the dance (she says the half is a guy with no neck that makes Screech look fuckable) but she refuses to commit to any of them because she only fucks quality central Indiana teenagers.

Screech auditioning

In the next scene, the gang’s in the cafeteria decorating for the dance, and Screech gets the job of deejay by threatening to dance with Lisa and Not-Jessie if they don’t give it to him. First, why is it up to Lisa and Not-Jessie who gets to be deejay? Second, if it is up to them, I don’t blame them. It’s a tough choice between giving Screech authority to choose the music or the ability to fondle your lady parts.

Miss Bliss tells Tina that her hot date to the dance will be Sherman because when she was trying to cancel on him, he mistakenly thought she was inviting him to the dance. Wait, what? Who thinks that even by mistake? If I thought someone was asking me on a date to an eighth grade dance I’d tell them to fuck off!

Mikey pop

Not-Slater comes in and pops Zack Morris’s weasel balloon. Not-Slater is hella pissed that Zack Morris is taking Shana to the dance. And you know what? I’m actually with Zack Morris on this for once. Not-Slater never once bothered to tell Zack Morris who the girl he wanted to fuck is. It’s not Zack Morris’s fault that he asked out a girl he didn’t know Not-Slater liked. But, of course, it nearly leads to fisticuffs and Miss Bliss intervenes just in time to force them into her room.

In her room, Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris and Not-Slater they need to kiss and make up. As soon as she leaves, Not-Slater says he’s gonna fuck up Zack Morris hella good if he shows up to the dance with Shana.

Zack Mikey Bliss

Cut to the dance, which is the epitome of everything horrible you imagine late-eighties fashion to be.

JFK dance

Lisa is with all ten of the guys who asked her to the dance, thus ending the Lisa is a slut subplot.

Lisa dates

Miss Bliss’s date to the eighth grade dance looks like he’s in his sixties.

Sherman

Screech is wearing what I can only assume is his prototype for the Michael Jackson outfit he’ll one day try to impress Lisa with.

DJ Screech

And Zack Morris is wearing his pajamas.

Zack Shana 2

Mr. Belding is showing off his horrible dance moves that we’ll see again in Saved by the Bell.

Belding Boogie

The only one who is looking fine is Mylo, who encourages the kids to get down with the hot fucking. I think this might be the first scene with Mylo that doesn’t make me want to stab his eyes out. Even if he is wearing Ray Charles sunglasses.

DJ Mylo

But no one has seen Not-Slater and Not-Jessie hopes he won’t show up ’cause she don’t want to see him hella fuck up Zack Morris.

Not-Slater walks in, though, and the crowd opens up for him and Zack Morris to have their duel. For whatever reason, all the adults have lost their fucking minds and have just decided to let them kill each other, despite Mr. Belding wanting to stop it. And, in the most convoluted and contrived climax I’ve ever seen on television, Zack Morris suddenly realizes that it’s bros before hoes and tells Not-Slater to punch him if it will make him feel better.

Mikey punch

And Not-Slater suddenly accepts Zack Morris’s apology and they agree to share Shana’s hot snatch. They also agree to be friends until the end of time, or at least until The Disney Channel cancels their show, prompting NBC to retool it and replace Not-Slater with a guy with Brillo pad hair, essentially pulling a Chuck Cunningham on him.

There’s so much wrong with this ending. First, Zack Morris didn’t do anything wrong, for once! Not-Slater is the asshole here! Second, why does Shana want either of these assholes? They’re starting a fight over her like she’s a piece of property. Why doesn’t she tell them to fuck off? Third, how did Zack Morris and Not-Slater go from being pissed off at each other to best friends again in under a minute? I mean, I know this show runs on sitcom time but this is almost as bad as when the music comes on in an episode of Full House solving every problem of the episode.

But at least this isn’t the last thing that happens, as we’re treated to Miss Bliss and Sherman tearing it up on the dance floor as we bid adieu to yet another of Miss Bliss’s dates that we’ll never see again.

Bliss Sherman dance

Firsts: Mr. Belding’s dancing, rivalry over a girl, Mylo isn’t annoying.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 6: “Showdown”

In our cold open, Not-Slater wants to know what psychopath means, and I’d hoped it was because he’s apparently realized the dark road he’s going down after a few episodes ago when he took so much pleasure in the death of another living being. But, no, he’s making fun of the new kid in school and everyone else joins in, with Miss Bliss asking if it’s really fair to judge someone before you met them. Just then, the door opens and we’re introduced to our new kid, who appears to have been held back a few times.

New kid

Yes, this is our new “kid,” Deke Simmons, and Miss Bliss informs us in her voice over about how she always feels sorry for the new kid because he has to find a way to fit in when everyone always knows each other, but Miss Bliss forgets to mention the added complications of fitting in when you’re twenty but still in the eighth grade. Deke’s idea of fitting in is copying off Not-Slater’s paper and then cracking his pencil in two.

Deke-Mikey pencil

Yet apparently Deke still only answered one question because it was the only one he liked. Miss Bliss wants to give Deke a stern talking to but his murderous glances betray the fact that he’s gonna pop a cap in anyone who dares cross him.

We cut to the cafeteria/auditorium, where, sweet Jesus it’s a miracle! Tina appears to be teaching!

Tina teaching

I mean sure, this scene does nothing to further the main plot and only serves as a set up for the sub-plot which is essentially a pissing match between Not-Jessie and Lisa over the script for the school play, but heavens be praised! She does teach! Next thing you’ll tell me Mylo cleans! But anyway, apparently Not-Jessie wrote a stupid play about forest rangers and Lisa thinks forest rangers wear evening gowns, so our forced sup-plot advances.

Miss Bliss wants to review Deke’s school records and Mr. Belding is like, “Sure! It’s right here in the open where anyone, even my secretary or a passing student, can read it!” Apparently he’s been in eight new schools in the last year. I don’t blame them. It can be hard to integrate a man in his early twenties into an environment with pubescent teenagers.

Cut to the *sigh* boy’s restroom where Deke is busy assaulting Screech in an attempt to get Screech to do his homework for him. Miss Bliss had announced that Screech was the only student in her class who got 100% on the quiz, and this gave Deke the idea that Screech should become his personal scribe, thus explaining where school privacy laws came from.

Deke Screech assault

I guess it’s supposed to be at least two days later because Miss Bliss is handing back the papers and Deke’s name is spelled wrong on his. On top of this, Deke got a D+, leading Deke to declare that he’s going to commit child abuse against Screech for the massive wrong that’s been done to him. Paper mills would have been much more convenient and required much less assault on minors.

At lunch, Screech whines to Zack Morris and Not-Slater about Deke’s threatened disfigurement. Screech bribes Zack Morris $10 to convince Deke somehow not to pursue this bloody state of affairs, and why I don’t understand. Screech should know Zack Morris well enough by now to know that everything he ever touches is fucked up somehow. I guess the plot requires Zack Morris’s interference though.

Mylo’s freaking out because Tina is nailing fake trees to the floor and, you know what, I’m actually on Mylo’s side this time. Why the fuck does she need to nail fake trees to the stage? There are much better (and less destructive) ways of securing props to the stage than nails. Hell, why is Mylo the one intervening here? Why doesn’t Mr. Belding come in and send Tina for psychiatric evaluation? There’s also a boner joke where Mylo names the stage his “woody” and Tina threatens to nail Mylo’s woody. Oh and Miss Bliss bursts in and her suggestion of compromise causes them to blow up at each other. And thus ends the Tina and Mylo disagree about stage props subplot.

Bliss compromise

Miss Bliss then tries her hand at Lisa and Not-Jessie’s argument and it blows up as well.

Zack deke

Zack Morris confronts Deke about Screech and tells him Screech can beat the living shit out of him, which leads Deke to declare he’s now going to commit manslaughter against Screech now that he knows Screech can fight back. And it’s like I’m psychic. I also think we’re seeing why Deke’s been held back so many years. He must have contracted the same disease that Karen had in episode one where he can’t tell Zack Morris’s obvious bullshit from reality, which obviously caused him to be so dumb that he’s still trying to get past middle school well into his adult years.

Zack OJ

Later, Screech is hiding from Deke in his locker, and Zack Morris is giving him orange juice through the vent in the locker for some reason. Screech comes out and is almost immediately seen by Deke. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding passes by and shows his complete incompetence by not recognizing that one of his students needs an adult ASAP.

Belding fight

Luckily, Miss Bliss isn’t such a dumb ass and takes Deke away before he can commit a felony. Screech has suddenly become suicidal, however, and is pissed at Miss Bliss for not letting him be killed. It’s so cute how Screech is pretending he has anything remotely close to dignity and pride.

In her classroom, Miss Bliss just barely restrains herself from fucking up a bitch after Deke blows her off as needing to get off his case. And, somehow, Miss Bliss has figured out what fifteen years in the public school system couldn’t detect: that Deke can’t read. Oh, yay, more than halfway through the episode and it’s turned into a very special episode about illiteracy. Seriously, that just came out of fucking nowhere. There were no clues, no foreshadowing, no nothing, but she’s suddenly become Counselor Troi and is all like, “I’m going to help you read, young Deke!” And he’s like, “Fuck off, you Betazoid psycho.”

It seems that, in the final days of the Soviet Union, Mr. Belding was trying to take full advantage of forced resettlement into Siberia because he tell Miss Bliss in no uncertain terms that his goal for Deke is detention in a Soviet prison settlement. Miss Bliss is all, “Bitch, please, Deke ain’t no political prisoner of conscience. He needs the reading!” And Mr. Belding is all, “Back off, hoe, ain’t nothing I can do if Deke don’t want no reading!”

The Not-Jessie/Lisa fight subplot is wrapped up nice and neat with a bow when they start talking together like the creep twins from The Shining and declare their everlasting love for one another.

Lisa Nikki resolve

Meanwhile, Screech is looking for Deke so he can hurry and become a statistic of crimes against children before dinner time. Deke finds Screech and the rest of the gang try to protect him, but he’s determined to experience first hand what it’s like to be murdered by a twenty-one year old eighth grader.

Defending Screech

Deke and Screech go in…*sigh*…the boy’s restroom for their special encounter. Screech begs Deke to avoid his teeth as he’s just got some dental work done and still has hopes of having Lisa’s tongue in there someday should he survive. Deke thinks Screech is weird, which leads Screech to expound on how he’s the laughing stalk of the eighth grade. Deke is all, “No way, punk! I can’t read! I’m the laughing stalk!” Screech just looks at him and is like, “I don’t get it. Why’s that supposed to be funny?” This melts Deke’s icy heart and convinces him not only to not kill his seven year younger classmate, but to seek out Miss Bliss for some literacy training.

Screech is bragging to Not-Slater about supposedly intimidating Deke, but Miss Bliss and Deke come up behind him and he runs in terror as the three just watch in amusement at Screech’s abject terror of his classmate who can legally buy alcohol.

Watching Screech

So, I guess the moral here, kids, is learn to read, or you’ll be twenty and still in the eighth grade and getting your kicks from child abuse.

First: Tina actually teaches.