Category Archives: The New Class Season 1

The New Class Season 1 Recap

 

Season one is over, one of the worst things I’ve ever watched in my life. And the most disturbing part is that I’ve heard this is best season of Saved by the Bell: The New Class, that it’s all downhill from here.

There’s no better way to say this: Saved by the Bell: The New Class sucks ass.

What in god’s name made these people think that, if they simply hired six teenagers who vaguely resembled the cast of the original show and recycled story lines from the original that they would automatically have a good show?

The disturbing thing is, they were, in the long run, successful. As we’ll soon see, this show ran for seven seasons. Seven fucking seasons. How? Why?


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This is not to say the original was a stunning achievement of television greatness. Far from it. But a commenter (I think it was Mark Moore), hit the nail on the head as to why this show is not remembered today like the original class (and even Good Morning, Miss Bliss and The College Years to a degree) were: the cast of this show has absolutely zero charisma together. For all its faults, you could genuinely believe that Zack Morris, Slater, Screech, Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa were who they said they were: six high school friends trying to make it in the world with all its awkwardness.

On this show, I don’t believe for a second that any of these morons give a damn about one another.  None of the six really had any experience in professional acting prior to this show and it is really palpable.  Each of the six presents wooden performances that are only highlighted by Dennis Haskins showing them up with his Oscar worthy by comparison acting. Even some of the guest stars did a better job than the main cast this season. James Marsden, though his character was an unlikable douche, definitely demonstrated why he’s successful today despite being on The New Class. Hell, by comparison, the baby playing Little Zack is a fucking child prodigy compared to these idiots.

But, for all this shit, there’s one character who actually developed over the season, and it’s probably not who you think I’m going to say.

vlcsnap-2014-04-01-00h21m38s109As scary as it is for me to admit, Scott really does grow over the course of the season. He starts out an unlikable, irredeemable piece of shit whose sole ambition in life is to steal Lindsay away from Tommy D. Yet, throughout the season, we actually see him gradually develop a conscience. On one occasion, he actually feels guilty for trying to get Lindsay to cheat on Tommy D with him and stops his plan in the middle. Towards the end of the season, he actually dates a few other girls, and he seems to be becoming more socially adjusted. My god, given a few more stories, he could have actually become likable, so of course he’s one of the characters the writers jettison.

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They also jettisoned Vicki, and with good reason. Vicki didn’t do shit this season. No episodes focused on her. She occasionally has a supporting role in one of the group’s schemes, but she had no personality or life outside the group. Her one thing was being a complete dumb ass, which  grated on my nerves more than anything. They hinted at a running subplot with her having a crush on Scott but it only showed up a few times when it was convenient to the plot and was forgotten the rest of the time. Consider the fact that Vicki was jealous of Scott and Megan but not Scott and Rachel. In fact, she helped facilitate Scott and Rachel’s date!

vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h34m03s218Obviously, Weasel was supposed o be Screech and he sucked ass at it. He received more shows with him as a central character than any other character besides Scott. He really didn’t do much, though. He’s supposed to be lifelong friends with Lindsay but this is only explored in one episode. He’s supposed to have an unrelenting crush on Megan, but this is dropped when it’s inconvenient to the plot. Hell, most of the time his entire existence on the show was defined in terms of Scott.

vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h13m21s136Out of the three characters who made it to season two, Lindsay is the most understandable. For much of the season, she’s the only likable character. This, unfortunately, is also her weak spot. Lindsay exists as a sexy lamp shade for Tommy D and Scott. What little development we get apart from the boys involves Vicki and Megan being super bitches to her for no good reason. And she has exactly two emotions: super happy or “oh my god my kitten just died.”

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h15m27s149I don’t have any strong feelings towards Megan one way or the other. She’s an okay character but her characterization is so inconsistent. One minute, she’s a horrible super bitch to Lindsay. The next minute, she’s a super nice and even caring, even towards Weasel’s creepy sexual advances. I am glad they kept her and got rid of Vicki, but Megan just doesn’t do anything for me. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

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Oh god, Tommy D, why are you on this show? You exist for three reasons: to be Lindsay’s boyfriend, to be Mr. Belding’s mechanic, and to be Scott’s foil. You really have no purpose outside these three things this season. Even his one episode devoted to him was all about how the gang could take advantage of his impending driver’s privileges. It’s genuinely baffling to me why they kept him but got rid of Scott. A triangle in season two between Scott, Lindsay, and Rachel could have been a very good story line, even if The College Years did it already.


And now it’s time to say good-bye to the three actors who are leaving us. I would like to tell you why these three were dropped, but information is few and far between. Common fan belief seems to be that the producers believed the solution to all their problems was to shake up the cast and bring back Dustin Diamond. Diamond claimed in Behind the Bell that Robert Sutherland Telfer was fired for having very conservative beliefs, which is a bizarre claim since Peter Engel once served as dean of Pat Robertson’s Regent University, and, I’m sorry, but you don’t get much more conservative than Pat Robertson. I tend to think Dustin Diamond is full of shit and, for now, the true reasons behind the three’s firing will remain unknown.

For Isaac Lidsky, being fired may have been a blessing. I swear, looking up information on this guy, you couldn’t help but be inspired. He has persevered against some fucking tough odds. He quit acting and was soon after diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa, a degenerate eye disease that eventually left him blind. Even this didn’t stop him. Lidsky studied Law at Harvard and, in 2008-2009,, clerked for Supreme Court Justices Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, becoming the first blind person to clerk in the Supreme Court.  Today, he’s CEO of a construction company and heads a charity called Hope for Vision that seeks to bring awareness and advocacy to degenerate eye diseases.

Bonnie Russavage managed to stay off the radar for a number of years until a blog tracked down her personal Facebook. (I’m not linking to the blog because I’m personally opposed to pointing out celebrities’ personal Facebook accounts without their permission.) Like Lidsky, Russavage quit acting. Today she’s divorced with a son and works as a recruiter for a company that seeks to find jobs for medical professionals.

Robert Sutherland Telfer is the most difficult of the three to track down. Wikipedia claims he got into amateur gymnastics after he quit acting, but he kind of dropped off the face of the Earth after that. I haven’t the slightest clue what he’s doing today, and that’s probably how he wants it, which I respect.


Saved by the Bell - The New Class

When it comes down to it, it’s baffling that this show survived its initial season. If not for Peter Engel and the Saved by the Bell pedigree, I have a feeling it wouldn’t have. It just goes to show that, with the right circumstances, even the worst piece of shit can manage to get a second season…and a third…and a fourth…


My Picks

You may recall that, for Good Morning, Miss Bliss and Saved by the Bell, I picked five episodes I loved from the season and three I hated. Well, I just can’t maintain that format here. Every single episode is detestable. Every single episode is cringe worthy. So here, instead, are five episodes of this season I hated the most:

Episode 3, “A Kicking Weasel:” Ugh, do I even have to say much about this? You don’t become a football star by being able to do field kicks. It just doesn’t happen. Add to this the fact that nothing is really resolved at the end and the bitchiness of Vicki and Megan towards Lindsay, and you have a painful combination.

Episode 4, “Home Shopping:” If you’re going to rip off the zit cream episode, at least do it in a believable manner. Seriously, chocolate memory may be the worst excuse of a dumb ass idea I’ve seen in this franchise yet, and I’ve seen “Jessie’s Song.”

Episode 6, “George Washington Kissed Here:” This episode is a mess. There’s so much going on that it’s like the plot is rushing trying to keep up. Scott’s an asshole in this episode, Lindsay’s an asshole, Megan’s an asshole, and Tommy D, the only one not being an asshole, is being told he’s an asshole. Oh, and lack of historical fact checking.

Episode 8, “Belding’s Baby:” Little Zack was the only good thing about his episode. The fact that not only was Mr. Belding seemingly bringing his infant son to work but that said infant son was also being hauled around Los Angeles by our brain dead characters in an effort to get Scott laid make this one even more painful to sit through.

Episode 10, “Swap Meet:” If you’re going to do an episode heavily focusing on comic books, you better do your fact checking or geeks like me will call you out in a heartbeat. Tommy D’s geek costume to get into the comic shop was just horribly insulting and Rachel could have been replaced with a vacuum cleaner with no change in the plot.


And so we reach the end of season one of The New Class. We’ll jump into season two on Monday. But be sure to check back tomorrow for a special review of Bayside: The Musical!

The New Class Season 1, Episode 13: “Running the Max”

So it’s that time I’ve hoped would eventually get here. It’s been thirteen weeks in the making. It’s the first season finale of The New Class! Hallelujah I’m one-seventh of the way through this awful, awful series!

Wait…

Oh my god! I’m only one-seventh of the way through this awful, awful series!

*sobs quietly in the corner curled up in the fetus position*

Well, let’s do it.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h43m24s198

We open with Scott staring lovingly into a random extra’s eyes because Muffy the Vampire Slayer rejected him last week and Rachel won’t be available to come back until the season two premier. Oh, don’t worry. This has nothing to do with anything during this episode. If it were any other show you might ask yourself why it’s even here. But this is The New Class, the show that some rightfully describe as worse than Full House.

So Scott’s late for Social Studies because he was too busy staring into that extra’s eyes for no reason but, don’t worry, he has a stack of forged late passes at his disposal!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h43m56s2

Scott is surprised to see Mr. Belding subbing for Mr. Tuttle in the one classroom. Yeah, apparently even Mr. Tuttle laughed when offered the opportunity to reprise his character on this awful, unneeded spin-off. So, Mr. Belding gets to hear and believe Scott’s lame excuse that he got four wisdom teeth pulled. Anyone who’s had wisdom teeth pulled knows he would be at home in excruciating pain right now if that were the case, especially if they were impacted.

So three area businesses have agreed to allow Bayside students to run their livelihood’s for a week. Oh, joy. It’s a rip-off of “The Friendship Business.” Because that’s exactly what this show was missing: a rip-off of one of my least favorite episodes from the first season of the original series. Well, except for the introduction of Edgar into my life, but there will be no such grace in this episode. Oh, and to make things even better, as we’ll soon find out, all the employees of these businesses decided to just take a week off without pay so that some high school kids could do their jobs for them. How convenient!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h44m18s226Group number one is Meat and the football jocks, who will be working at “Dottie’s Dumbell Depot.”

muscled grandmaBecause it’s my only solace during this episode, I’m going to imagine this is Dottie. That would kick ass.

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Group two, which includes the gang sans Scott (including Weasel, who’s enjoying pounding his head in this photo against Megan’s book) will be, *duh duh duh* RUNNING THE MAX! And we have an episode title!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h44m46s245

And here’s our subplot for the episode: Vicki only has one more opportunity to get Scott to give her his man chowder, so she’s determined it’s going to happen!

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Group number three, which include Ron and Claire, are running “IHOT,” the International House of Dry Cleaning. Okay, if such a place existed, I might consider taking my dry cleaning there, I won’t lie.

Scott’s been assigned to group three because groups in the Saved by the Bell universe have to be six people and some interloper named Homer.

So what’s Scott’s plan to get into group two?vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h45m44s55

Why to trifle with Claire’s heart of course! He tells her he loves her, which sends her into a hot flash and causes blow kisses to spontaneously erupt from her mouth in Scott’s direction. Scott gets out of the way and tells Homer the kisses are for him, which sends Homer on an odyssey but gets our plot moving.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h46m12s82

Tommy D is group leader. Yeah, the dumbest guy in the cast is the group leader, and his incompetence soon shows. Scott has been assigned as a bus boy, which he hates.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h47m16s209Lindsay is a cook while Megan and Vicki are waitresses. Oh, and Vicki wants Scott to “bus her table,” which I can only assume means fuck her ten ways to Sunday.

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Meanwhile, Screech is incompetently washing dishes in…a rain coat. Oh dear.

Yeah, to make a long, long plot short, everyone sucks at their jobs and all the customers at The Max have had enough, because Hawaiian themed parties, Casey Kasem dance-offs, a horrible actor waiting tables, and a radio telethon are apparently not enough to get people to leave The Max, but slightly bad service is.

Of course, Scott has a way to turn things around and, I have to admit, at least at the start, it’s a competent business model.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h48m22s100

First, you place Weasel in the position he’s best at: the school idiot passing out flyers in the hallway.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h49m00s222

Then promise Meat and his Neanderthal buddies free food for wearing The Max’s name on the back of their jerseys. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h49m32s29

And duck the anger of the football coach cleverly named “Coach.” Wait…they already introduced a guy as the football coach EARLIER THIS SEASON? Did they forget about that or do they just not care anymore? Can no one on this show maintain continuity for longer than the attention span of a three year old? But the coach threatens to make Scott do push-ups until his grandchildren graduate if he doesn’t get the advertising off the jerseys. That’ll make procreating pretty difficult for Scott, I have to admit.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h52m43s154

Oh, well, back to the plan. Weasel is installing disk drives on the toilets, perhaps the only part of this plan that doesn’t make sense.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h53m13s162

Vicki is the dish washer because she sucks at life, and Megan and Lindsay are waitresses because they have the best people skills of the gang. Oh yeah, and there’s lots of flirting between Megan and Scott, which upsets Vicki but, hey, it’s Megan’s last opportunity too!

Rounding it out is Tommy D as cook, cooking his famous meatloaf without any meat. Everyone is impressed because The Max actually has turned around, and why not? After all, it’s the smartest thing Scott’s ever done on the show. So you know now they’ve got to find a way to fuck it up since there’s still around twelve minutes left.

Mr. Belding comes in and, through the power of exposition, tells Scott that the school has agreed to cover the cost of any losses to the three businesses. I asks the same question I asked in “The Friendship Business:” where does Bayside get all this money? Is it Mafia owned? Did they buy a share in Jesse and the Rippers? Did they strike oil…again? God, it makes no sense!

Scott decides to ask what would happen if a group made a profit and Mr. Belding tells him that it’s never happened, but he guesses the group would get to keep the profit. And our plot finally advances.

So Scott’s plan is to get the coach to switch the location of the annual football banquet from the Palisades Hotel to The Max, and, as such, Scott and Weasel talk shit about the hotel to the coach until he says he can’t have his boys eating at a place like that. Scott offers up The Max and the coach goes for it, on the condition he cook up something worthy the classiness of the two gentlemen below who seem to be playing the game where you pretend to steal the other person’s nose by displaying your thumb cupped in your hand.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h56m01s75

Scott thinks he’s up to the challenge. Back at The Max, he tells the gang his plan but reveals they need to raise $600 in advance to buy food for the banquet. His plan?vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h57m26s164

Karaoke with Ron! Yes, for only $10, you, too, can sing horribly off-key in an establishment that changes purposes to suit the plot of the week, and help Scott raise collateral while you’re a it!

Now a new conflict! Ready for this? Scott is an asshole manager! Imagine that! It was totally unexpected! He’s overworking all the staff, not even letting Weasel go take a tinkle!
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Back at Bayside, it’s time for progress reports, starting with Meat’s group, who present Mr. Belding with their best selling dumb bell, the “Sissy Boy 3000.”

When it’s time for Scott’s group to report, everyone is asleep and exhausted except for Scott, but he reports things are going wonderfully. Tommy D and Lindsay have had enough of this bull shit and quit and Vicki soon follows when she realizes Scott’s not going to fuck her this week. Megan asks if they can pull it off without them, and we get the most pointless dream sequence of the season.
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Yes, it’s Scott imagining himself doing push ups until his grandchildren graduate from high school after he fucked up the football banquet. Thanks for that, The New Class writers. That was so integral to the episode.

At The Max, Scott and Weasel are the only ones working, with Weasel making the great sacrifice of not seeing “Blossom Goes to Iraq.” Is that the one where she loses her virginity to Saddam Hussein played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar?

Well, Megan comes in and quits because her school project is eating into school time and she needs to study because she got a C+. Yay, we’re even reusing minor plot points of original series episodes now. God help us, it’s up to Scott and Weasel now, and Weasel conveniently has to go back to Bayside to get the shrimp from his locker. Yeah, his locker…

I’m not even going to question the fact that Scott and Weasel appear to be skipping out on school while the rest of the gang is at Bayside. It’s an inconsistency but, at this point, it’s the least of this show’s problems. What I will tell you is how Weasel tells Lindsay, Vicki, and Tommy D that Scott is sorry for being an asshole and this makes them instantly forgive him.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h03m27s135

I will question why Weasel appears to have the sample photo that comes with a picture frame hanging up in his locker. Does he not have a real family to call his own?

So, one by one, Lindsay, Tommy D, Vicki, and even Megan come back to The Max to help Scott out.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h05m05s151

And Vicki tries her hand at getting a hot dicking one more time.

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And just in time because Weasel was planning on serving this monstrosity of Jello, bananas, peaches, and pepperoni.

But, since some stuff near the beginning actually made snese we haven’t reached our contrivance quota for the week yet so we still need one more, and we get it in the form of the power going out! But never fear, Tommy D has a plan!

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And it descends, the western themed football banquet, complete with a western-style Max sign that just happened to be lying around, some hay, rocks, a grill, and checkered table clothes. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h07m32s77

And the nerds even volunteers to steal clothes from the dry cleaning business so that the gang has cowboy apparel available. And the girls say, “Yodel lay hee hoo!”
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And the boys say, “Spin me in your arms, Tommy D, and make me feel like a real boy!”vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h07m52s28

And Mr. Belding and the coach say, “Isn’t this episode over yet?”

But they pull it off and the jocks love it.

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And Mr. Belding pulls horrifies us by dressing like Indiana Jones as he tells the gang they all get As.

In the end, the gang discover that, due everything they had to get at the last minute, including a blown fused box even though it’s not clear that that’s their fault or responsibility, they are in the hole for $9.00. But what matters is they had fun and Lindsay leaves them with the season closing cheesy thought: Scott may have lost $9, but he gained five friends, at least until next week when they forget that he and two of the others ever existed. But, yeah, friends forever!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h09m58s244


And that’s it for season one of The New Class! As usual, I’ll have a recap this Wednesday! And stay tuned next Monday as we discover whether this show can suck any worse than it already does. Spoiler alert: it can.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 12: “Tommy A”

Have I really only done eleven of these episodes before this week? As much torture as it’s been, I feel like I should be at least half way through the series. Oh well, let’s see what torture the writers have in store for me this week.

Oh, yay, Weasel is obsessing about mid-year finals. What the hell are those supposed to be anyway? They’ve used the term “mid-term” lots of times in the original series but the only thing I can figure is that these are finals occurring after the end of the first semester.

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And what is Scott’s stick this week you ask? Why, because he’s apparently completely forgot about both Ashley and Rachel because they wouldn’t put out, he’s now after Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, I’m sorry, he said Muffy. Of course he did, because Sarah Michelle Gellar would be a hell of a lot more interesting right now. Oh, Muffy is just some random Clueless rip off: the classic stereotypical blonde bimbo. And she’s also only willing to date fifteen year old boys if they’re willing to drive without a license.

Meanwhile, Megan and Vicki are whining about how they have to ride the school bus like the common people.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h50m20s64

Oh and Milton somehow got his retainer stuck to Megan’s dress via chewing gum. Sexy.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h50m56s145

And Megan has a crush on a boy named Eric that I’m sure won’t have anything to do with any of the rest of the episode.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h51m41s32

Meanwhile, the state of California has seen fit to allow Tommy D to drive on the road and we are informed through the power of exposition that Tommy D’s sixteenth birthday is exactly three weeks from today, upon which occasion Tommy D’s father will buy him a car. Of course, as is usual in the Saved by the Bell universe, the gang only cares insofar as it benefits each of them. Scott’s imagining fucking Muffy in the back of Tommy D’s car, Vicki wants a ride to school, and Megan is still thinking about Milton’s retainer.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h52m08s113

And meet Mr. Snavely, who will be playing an English teacher for exactly one episode, which is weird since we already know the kids have Miss Simpson for English. Did they all flunk a year of English so they have to take two periods of it a day? Really, who is this interloper who’s trespassing on the sweet insanity that is Miss Simpson? Oh, and Mr. Snavely talks like a bad stereotype of a Shakespearean actor.

Well, for some reason the English “mid-year final” is on…public speaking? What the hell? You might have to do some public speaking for an English class project but it’s not going to be a major portion of your grade! I dare say my public speaking professor in college would have been insulted to be lumped in with the English department. What strange dimension do these characters exist in?

Megan decides to show off and answer lots of questions hoping to impress Eric. Turns out Eric hates girls who know things because all men in the Saved by the Bell universe are misogynistic assholes.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h55m12s142

Meanwhile, Tommy D is doing a bad job of pretending like he’s looking at this magazine. Mr. Snavely tries to answer a question and he’s just like, “Duh, question hurt Tommy D’s mind!”

At The Max, Megan bemoans the fact that Eric doesn’t want to get his dick wet in her. And the gang continue obsessing over Tommy D’s car.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h57m11s69

Yes, it’s time for a dream sequence in which everyone is piled in the same car. This car has to have one of the biggest back seats I’ve ever seen. Hopefully it’ll be big enough for Scott to fuck Muffy. Meanwhile, the way the camera was moving I seriously thought I was looking at a Back to the Future II hover car for a second. Actually, it might be since they all decide to drive to Hawaii.
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Oh and Eric is jogging by the car, now in love with Megan because she’s decided to sit in the same back seat as Scott and Muffy while they get it on instead of studying.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h58m45s238

The next day at school, Megan has decided that getting laid is more important than appearing to be intelligent so she’s now a dumb Clueless girl that Eric can really fall in love with.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h59m42s59

Meanwhile in Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding has been recast! Oh, wait, no. It’s Tommy D’s dad. But the way he’s just thrust on us in Mr. Belding’s office without Mr. Belding even being visible in the shot is very awkward. Oh, and, if he looks familiar, that’s because he’s Uncle Jesse’s father from Full House. Anyway, he’s there because the school sent a letter home warning that Tommy D might flunk every course except Gym. As a result, if Tommy D doesn’t get an A on at least one “mid-year final” he won’t get the car. I smell a plot rearing its fin!

At The Max, everyone is determined to meddle in De Luca family matters. Based on an off the cuff remark about cars, the gang decide that Physics is Tommy D’s best chance for an A because if you know one thing it makes complete sense that you’ll know everything, right?

Megan starts tutoring Tommy D as Eric walks in when she instantly turns into Paris Hilton. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h02m26s159

And Tommy D gives us he best surprised face his actor can muster up.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h03m10s21

At Tommy D’s house, the gang continue tutoring Tommy D in Physics. What I’m concerned about is…what matter of sorcery is this?!?! There are two Lindsay’s in the room! I must contact the Ghostbusters! There must be some way they can fight this evil specter and air up their tires all in one convenient trip!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h04m21s248

But the gang decide Tommy needs a little help and, since Mr. Everett, the Physics teacher, grades on a curve, they hatch a plan to sabotage the grades of Ron, Milton, and Kirby by convincing them not to study. Instead, they say that Weasel will cough and sneeze the answers to them because apparently it’s possible to have a Physics test that’s entirely true and false questions. Proving once again that the nerds at Bayside during this series are nothing like my precious Edgar, these idiot nerds fall for it.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h05m05s190

Meanwhile, Megan’s still acting like an airhead and Eric tells jokes that are hella lame. NEXT!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h05m53s138

Mr. Belding tries to give Tommy D a pep talk since what will he do if his personal mechanic flunks out of school?
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And here’s Mr. Everett, who appears to be Milton’s father. He’s also a complete idiot because he doesn’t react at all to all the fake coughing and sneezing and all the talking gong on DURING THE FUCKING TEST! Yes, that’s the plan Scott and Weasel cough while Lindsay and Vicki sneeze and vice versa, thus confusing Ron, Milton, and Kirby and throwing off their answers.

And now it’s time for…the oral part of the Physics exam? Who the hell ever heard of a final in which a student got up in front of the class and explained something as part of her or his grade? But, yes, it’s happening my friends. Of course, it’s Tommy D at the front and he freezes up, leading to our main characters reacting in the same way I often react to this whole damned series.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h07m24s54

In the hallway, Ron and Milton confront the gang about the fake signals. Tommy D overhears and is hella pissed because everyone has the correct impression that he’s a moron. He tells them they might as well forget about their selfish ambitions for a car because they’re not going to happen because he’s an idiot.

At Tommy D’s house, Tommy D’s father and Lindsay give Tommy D a pep talk about keeping with something even when it’s difficult and how eventually he’ll only be slightly dumb instead of incredibly moronic. Tommy D says he still has the English final left so he’s determined to write the best speech he can.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h10m02s86

At Bayside, the gang dress Weasel up like a bug killing Mario brother in order to convince Mr. Snavely to rush home and save his precious chrysanthemums from plant eating bugs. Since Mr. Snavely seems to have an unhealthy relationship with his flowers, he rushes out in the middle of the school day, leaving Mr. Belding to cover his class and his “mid-year final, which was the gang’s hope since Mr. Belding has inappropriate boundary issues with Tommy D and might go easier on him than Mr. Snavely would.
vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h12m06s67First up is Weasel, whose speech is a persuasive speech on why every girl at Bayside should fuck him. He even has business cards for conveniently contact him.

Next is Tommy D with a speech on why you should believe in yourself. The speech is on how Tommy D knows that, if he keeps working hard, he’ll eventually get an A and stop sucking. Despite Mr. Belding’s assurances that he would not play favorites and would be tough on Tommy D, he gives Tommy D an A for his speech that comes in at a whopping twenty-nine seconds, including a brief interruption by Weasel! Yeah, I took public speaking in college. Something tells me that is not an A speech. But, whatever, the plot demands it so it happens.

And there’s not any time for anyone else’s speech so I guess they’re all getting Fs.
vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h14m54s207Eric is pissed that Tommy D is now smarter than he is and insults Tommy D, to which Megan tells Eric that he’s hella stupid and hella lame and hella not funny. She proceeds to stick her chewing gum on his nose, sending him a clear message that she doesn’t want to say goodbye a little longer. Eric is forced to look for a stupider girl because no one except our main characters are allowed to learn lessons. Yeah, that literally just came out of nowhere. This subplot may be the most underdeveloped for the series yet. Jennie B is right: it just keeps getting worse and worse.

And we end with the gang excited that they get to use Tommy D for his car after all!

The New Class Season 1, Episode 11: “Weasel Love”

Yes, if there’s something we definitely needed more of, it’s Weasel episodes. Thank goodness the writers of this show saw fit to give us one more this season.

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So remember back in high school how the solution to everything was to hold a dance? Remember how even the orchestra held a dance as a fundraiser? Me either, which must be why the writers of this show thought it would make for a good plot.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h00m33s130

We open with…Kirby, Vicki, Lindsay, and Megan…in the middle of the hallway…playing their instruments. You know what, if this is the strangest thing that happens this episode, I won’t even question it. After all, these halls have sen a lot worse than a fake classical performance. I say fake because Vicki and Kirby stop playing in the middle of he piece to argue about Kirby hitting Vicki in ribs with his bow. The music keeps on playing without a beat lost as they’re advertising, indicating that Bayside was getting in on the Milli Vanilli style. And, through the power of exposition, Lindsay tells us that the purpose of the fund raiser is to get enough money to buy a new psychic piano for the orchestra.

Scott and Tommy D, meanwhile, think that the telekinetic musical performance is hella lame because Lindsay keeps hitting them up for tickets and Kirby keeps poking them with his stick. They should be happy they’re finally getting some from somebody. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h01m47s117

Mr. Belding comes up and is excited at the fact that the LA Music Society will be at the orchestra’s performance because apparently a piano is the only thing standing between them sucking or not sucking. Why should they be excited? Why, because the LA Music Society might give Bayside’s orchestra a free trip to New York to participate in the “orchestra festival.”

Yeah, off it, Mr. Belding, you really want to go for hookers, blow, and to see Bayside: The Musical performed.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h02m06s51

Weasel comes rushing up with a long stack of paper that he says is a computer message from his pen-pal, Natalie. Yeah, the writers apparently couldn’t be bothered to do ten minutes of research and find out this is not how e-mail has ever worked. Anyway, Natalie has decided to move there from Seattle and go to Bayside because plot convenience. And, in the next scene at The Max, we’re reminded of all this all over again because he writers think everyone who bothers to watch this show has short term memory loss. Plus the fact that they’re both going to wear Gilligan’s Island hats so hey’ll recognize each other. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h03m40s205

Meanwhile Milton and Ron, a previously unnamed nerd, come into The Max and are immediately harassed by Scott and Tommy D and convinced that they have a disease called “Ringing in the Ears Due to Playing Percussion in High School Orchestras.” Proving that everyone in The New Class are idiots, they are easily convinced by the ringing of a bell behind them. They run off to quit and Scott and Tommy D are overjoyed because this means they can join the orchestra and go see Bayside: The Musical as well since naturally their are no other students with speaking parts who could take Milton and Ron’s place in the orchestra. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m11s104

Meanwhile in walks an obvious rip off of Tori Spelling’s character from the original series. She even has the horrible snort of Tori Spelling’s character. Her name is Natalie, but I’m going to call her Not-Tori Spelling because, unlike Tori Spelling’s VIolet, we never see this character again. And just as well because she’s either blind or has low standards since she thinks Weasel is a curly haired Tom Cruise.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m42s155

Back at Bayside, it’s the return of another original series character, the orchestra teacher, Mr. Lazaar, who’s trying his damndest to get a good sound out of an incompetent orchestra.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m47s208

And since the casting department told him he had no other choice, Tommy D and Scott have taken Milton and Ron’s roles on cymbals and triangle  respectively. Naturally, they’re completely incompetent on two of the easiest instruments known to mankind.
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Not-Tori Spelling comes in and wants to audition for the orchestra because that’s a completely normal thing to do just a few days before a major orchestra performance. And she auditions on the piano they’re not supposed to have because they’re raising money to buy one. Of course, she’s good, possibly the best of the bunch, at fake musical playing.
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So Weasel grand stands in the middle of her audition fake playing the exact same composition she happened to be playing, and the two are named the “Dynamic Duo” of the Bayside orchestra.

Not-Tori Spelling is nervous about the dance that night because she wants to look her best if she’s going to give her virginity up to a curly haired Tom Cruise. What else could happen but Lindsay, Megan, and VIcki agreeing to give her a make-over? vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h12m29s133

At the dance, everyone is shocked because they discovered that, if you take the horrible stereotypical glasses and clothes off a Saved by the Bell nerd and replace them with a pretty dress and long flowing blonde hair, she becomes hot. So becomes Not-Tori Spelling.  vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h14m04s56

Because every guy in the Saved by the Bell universe judges women solely based on conventional physical attraction, Not-Tori Spelling is now the hottest piece of ass at the dance, and every guy in Bayside lines up for his turn on the Not-Tori Spelling Go-Round. Weasel’s upset because how on earth can he ever get a pretty, popular girl despite the fact he already has Not-Tori Spelling and despite the fact he’s always perusing Megan, who is a pretty and popular girl.
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Mr. Belding and Mr. Lazaar are practically pissing themselves they’re so happy they can finally afford to buy the new piano they already had in the previous scene. Hookers and blow. I’m telling you, that’s where the money went.

Mr. Lazaar gets Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling to come up and break in the piano they’ve had all along but apparently Weasel’s super hero weakness is pretty girls because he can no longer play with Not-Tori Spelling. Oh and we are treated to Mr. Lazaar glaring lustfully at Not-Tori Spelling. Gross.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h15m54s135

Their solution is to make Weasel Mr. Belding. The real Mr. Belding reaches down to give Weasel a comfort grope, but comes back up when Weasel nearly catches him. “Wasn’t doing anything inappropriate,” his hands try to tell us. They decide the best way to make Weasel cool is through inappropriate and unrealistic role play.
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Yes, that’s right. It’s your fantasies come true. Mr. Belding has become a hot babe, or he just came back from West Hollywood. It’s one of the two. But it’s obvious Mr. Belding has a huge boner for Scott and he’s overjoyed at Scott finally asking him out.
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Don’t the just make the cutest couple?vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h17m35s113

Weasel’s idea of seduction is to impersonate a grazing camel.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h18m10s214

And then to cry on his lover’s bosom.

At The Max, Scott tells the girls that, when they see Weasel, they should treat him like he’s the coolest thing since Elvis, because all the kids in the early ’90s were listening to Elvis apparently.

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Tommy D enters with Elvis dressed…in a shirt with lots of holes in it and women’s pants? Yeah, Tommy D convinces Elvis this is cool, and that’s why no one else at Bayside dresses like this. And the audience loses their shit, apparently because they caught sight of one of Weasel’s nipples.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h20m03s65

The girls start fighting over which one of them gets to give up their virginity to Weasel first and Weasel suddenly believes he’s God’s gift to girls.
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Back at orchestra practice, Scott and Tommy D are now multi-instrumentalists, because, once again, that’s totally how that works. Among the more weirder of their instruments is, amusingly enough, a cow bell.

Yeah, I couldn’t resist.

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Weasel comes in late dressed in his cool clothes again. He tells Mr. Lazaar that he is no longer Weasel. He’s now “the Fox.”

z6jg68iznp9rz83uec6jf3pk.600x295x1

Yeah, it totally works.

He’s been ignoring Not-Tori Spelling and not returning her e-mails because he says he ain’t got time for the jibber jabber. The Fox starts blowing and now it’s Not-Tori Spelling who’s intimidated and can’t play.

Yeah, not a bit of this plot makes sense. Weasel is acting conceited but being conceited doesn’t automatically make a person not be able to play music with you. But the plot demands a forced conflict, so we must go on.

But first…

Yeah, this episode is just making the pop culture references way too easy for me. And it doesn’t help that Weasel isn’t that much worse an actor than David Caruso.
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The gang goes into full meddle mode by going into the orchestra room and convincing Not-Tori Spelling to check her e-mail on her early ’90s laptop to see that Weasel is apologizing to her. And we learn that Not-Tori Spelling apparently composes her e-mails out loud.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h55m37s162

It’s actually Scott and Tommy D working the controls because somehow between them they’ve discovered enough brain cells to work Mr. Belding’s Macintosh. Having convinced Not-Tori Spelling that Weasel is apologizing to her, they do they send e-mail to Weasel from Not-Tori Spelling, because it’s apparently just that easy to fake e-mail from someone else in the early ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h57m41s120

It’s finally time for the orchestra performance and all our characters are dressed as Mormon missionaries. Before they go to word spreading the good news, they’ve got to put on a kick ass performance so they can go to New York City and see Bayside: The Musical.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h59m13s18

Meanwhile, Milton and Ron have discovered a brain cell between the two of them and realized they were conned for the five thousandth time by Scott and Tommy D. Their response is to handcuff the two of them together. I fail to see how this is a punishment for them.

Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling start talking and realize that the entire apology thing was bull shit. But no time for that. It’s time to start the performance.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h00m23s201

Which includes Tommy D holding a triangle in his mouth for Scott to play. I bet there’s something else he wishes Scott would play in his mouth. Okay, okay, that one was way too easy.

In the middle of the performance, with the entire audience as their witnesses, Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling work out their differences and realize the entire conflict of the episode has been complete bull shit. And they’re apparently talking loud enough that the girls can hear them, which means they should have, by all accounts, ruined the performance. But, no, they fake play beautifully, Mr. Belding declares they’re going to New York to see Bayside: The Musical, and we end with wet sloppy kisses for Weasel. Ewww…vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h01m53s78And the lesson, kids, is that, at the end of the day, you can always get everything you want!

The New Class Season 1, Episode 10: “Swap Meet”

Welcome back to my personal torture that is Saved by the Bell: The New Class. This week, we’ll be stereotyping and denigrating something that is very dear to my heart: comic books. Now I have no qualms about admitting it: I am a certified geek. I am also what some have come to call a “socially acceptable” geek, that is, one who is able to function very well in society, unlike the stereotypes we see in the Saved by the Bell universe. For me, geekdom started with two things: Star Trek and comic books. Today, we’re going to see a bunch of stupid, ignorant writers completely miscategorize the latter of the two.

See, comics are an amazing storytelling medium. They can bring stories to life in ways that no other media can. Graphic novels such as The WatchmenV for VendettaThe Walking DeadAll-Star SupermanWe3, and Fables prove that comics aren’t just for kids, or geeks, anymore. In 1992, a year before this episode, Maus, a graphic novel by underground legend Art Spiegelman, even won the Pulitzer Prize for his amazing Animal Farm-like depiction of his father’s experience during the German holocaust. Comics are studied in universities today and the taboo against grown women and men enjoying comics is nearly gone.

But don’t tell that to the writers of The New Class.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h09m50s28Right, you’ve had enough commentary. Let’s get this over with. We open…with people pulling lots of random stuff out of their lockers for a school swap meet. Token Native American extra in the foreground seems to have a vacuum cleaner while the extra behind him has a sleeping bag.

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m00s143And Lindsay has a pink stuffed monkey…Scott has t-shirts with holes in them…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m06s208And Vicki has a hair salon dryer…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m22s109That…gives scalp massages…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h11m18s158Oh god…and Mr. Belding has mounted his goldfish for sell….

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h11m48s208And Weasel has a collection of Slinkies that are all twisted together…

Okay, why the hell do all these people have all this random junk at school? It looks like the prop department was just throwing everything at the wall this episode hoping something would get some laughs. Congratulations, they failed miserably on all counts. Wait, more importantly, why the hell is a school sponsoring a swap meet to begin with? Do classes only occur when they conveniently do not interfere with plot points?

Oh, and, yeah, Mr. Belding has really bad allergies now because it was needed for the stupid subplot and because sneezing is now considered the funniest thing on the planet. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h14m09s75Welcome back, Crunch. It figures that the man-boy stupid enough to believe Scott was a female is the one buying his t-shirts with holes in them for $10 a piece. Oh, and don’t worry, that goes absolutely nowhere. And either Crunch never figured out the deception from the last episode or he discovered through his dates with Scott that he enjoys the love that dare not speak its name.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h15m17s251Mr. Belding discovers a bottle of perfume called “Jungle Passions” on the girls’ table, which just happens to be a perfume that isn’t made anymore that Mrs. Belding loves. He buys it as her anniversary present and proceeds to beat his chest in his worst George of the Jungle imitation.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h15m37s184And it’s more stereotypes for our little train wreck of an episode in the form of the Dorkman brothers, whose purpose is to sexually harass Megan and Vicki. Oh that hilarious sexual harassment.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h16m23s141And, inexplicably, it’s another semi-successful actress who got her start on The New Class. Ladies and gentleman, I present the girl of one face and mood, Sarah Lancaster as Rachel Meyers. You may recognize her horrible acting from ScrubsEverwood, and Chuck, but she got her start on this shitty show. This is Rachel’s only appearance this season, but she plays a much larger role in four more episodes.

So Rachel’s role here is basically to give Scott an erection and make him go to stupid lengths to get tickets to a Janet Jackson concert because she apparently loves Janet Jackson. As usual, Scott is disingenuous in his efforts as he hates Janet Jackson’s belly button. Makes no sense but it is ironic in light of what happened a few Superbowls ago.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h17m24s235Scott is desperate to find $200 to buy the tickets but the boys have only made $10, despite the fact that Crunch just bought Scott’s t-shirts for $20. Jesus, it still wouldn’t be enough to buy the tickets but can’t we manage to be consistent within the same scene?

Weasel spent the $10 on comic books which must mean he spent the other $10 on hookers and blow. But, low and behold, one of the comics is the ultra-rare issue #59 of Defender Dog, especially ultra-rare because it’s not a real comic. Weasel’s insistent that the comic book is worth a lot because it has a misprint of Defender Dog with a Milk Bone for a tail. Number one…is this really what the writers believe a comic misprint is? Someone had to draw that picture. It doesn’t just pop magically out of thin air on the printing press. Number two, even if it is a misprint, comic misprints rarely are worth more than the regular comic. In fact, more often than not, this causes a comic to decrease in value. Basically, this entire scene and plot is bull shit.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h18m08s161Scott and Weasel leave the comic in Tommy D’s hands so they can go call someone named Honolulu Harry and find out how much the comic is worth. A cut later, Weasel says the comic is worth $600 (*cough* bull shit *cough) and the duo start bumping butts in celebration, which strangely doesn’t put off the approaching Rachel, who is ecstatic that Scott is going to take her to the Janet Jackson concert.

Meanwhile, Tommy D, the idiot he is, has sold the comic to the Dorkman brothers for $9 despite the fact that he was just told to hang on to it until they found out how much it was worth. If this comic got any more forced, I might have to beat my head against the wall.

At The Max, it’s time for Scott to try and con the Dorkman brothers out of the comic book for $50, which they reasonably refuse. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h20m36s114This sends Scott to plan B, which is to whore Megan and Vicki out on a date at the folding chair movie theater with the Dorkman brothers. Their sole purpose, of course, is to try to use fucking as a means to get the comic back. We have an excruciatingly long scene that tries to force out more humor based on geek stereotypes before we cut back to Bayside. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h22m29s195We discover the Dorkman brothers sold the comic to Crunch to buy the girls lockets, which, like little bitches, they refuse. I swear, so far the Dorkman brothers have done absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment. All this over the damned comic book that Tommy D was idiotic enough to sell to begin with!vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h23m29s52Scott decides he has to find Crunch so he can get the comic back, but not before Weasel does his impersonation of “Chinese square dancing,” which I can’t decide if it’s racist or not since the reference makes no sense. You can’t just throw two things together and call it a joke. If that was the case, I could say “Antarctic guitar” or “Russian surfing” or “Kenyan skydiving” or “Full House funny” and you guys would just be falling over in hysterics. Okay, I admit, the last one is so unbelievable it’s funny.

Meanwhile, the writers remembered they had a subplot and Lindsay runs down the stairs to reveal that the bottle they sold Mr. Belding is actually her grandmother’s travel bottle of arthritis rub, made out of congealed sulfur and fish oil. Boy the writers on this show really love their fish oil. For whatever reason, they refuse to take the sensible route and simply tell Mr. Belding about the mistake and refund his money because that wouldn’t allow for these stupid hijinks. Instead, we get a scene where the girls try to get the bottle away from Mr. Belding while he can’t smell the perfume because of his allergies.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h26m12s135In his quest to find Crunch, Scott runs into Rachel, who is super stoked to be going to Janet Jackson and reveals she gave up a Southern California ski trip to go to the concert. She gives Scott a kiss on the cheek, sending the audience into hysterics and leaving Scott glancing lustfully at the girl he hopes will take his cursed virginity.

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-21h29m46s243Crunch then comes around the corner and reveals that he will not give up the comic because he’s a huge Defender Dog fan and issue 59 was the only one missing from his collection. He also barks and talks about tap dancing. Yeah.

Because what Scott wants is the only thing in the world that matters, we have another elaborate plan in a new set: Honolulu Harry’s Comics. By some strange coincidence, according to Yelp, there used to be a couple Hawaiian themed restaurants in the Greater Los Angeles area. Apparently during the hard times they specialized in traditional Hawaiian fare and non-existent comic books.

And here’s where I get pissed.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h27m44s44You just fucking established that Crunch, a star football player, is a huge comic books fan. Why the hell does Tommy D have to dress up like Steve Urkel’s retarded white friend to be a comic book fan? Grrr…this is so insulting…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h28m28s221Anyway, this is Honolulu Harry, and the plan is for Tommy D to get Honolulu Harry to take him back to look at the comics, which are in an X-rated theater style back room. I…really hope they’re just looking at comics back there because I don’t particularly want to imagine either one of them doing anything else back there…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h29m31s78Weasel dresses up as Herschel from The Walking Dead because that’s supposed to fool Crunch into believing that Weasel is Honolulu Harry, who’s going to show Crunch how to take care of his comics. First, if Crunch is a comic collector, he already knows about this stuff. Second, THIS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HONOLULU HARRY! But, yeah, it works, because I suppose if Crunch couldn’t tell the difference between Scott and an attractive girl before, he would believe that Herschel looks like Honolulu Harry. So Scott and Weasel convince Crunch that Defender Dog hella sucks and basically rob the comic from him. Way to commit a crime, guys.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h30m48s74Meanwhile, Honolulu Harry is pissed because Tommy D dared to touch the comics. Imagine that: a comic book shop where you touch the comic books. He throws all three of them out despite Scott’s protestations that he wants to sell a rare comic book because it makes complete sense to kick out someone that had nothing to do with the crime in question who wants to do business with you.

Back at Bayside, the gang’s study hall teacher has sore bunions, so this means, of course, that Mr. Belding has to act as a substitute teacher. Yeah, the only purpose of this scene is to give Mr. Belding an opportunity to take the comic away so we can draw out this train wreck for another five minutes.

Oh yeah, the girls are still concerned about the perfume, so they sneak in Mr. Belding’s office and replace the counterfeit with the genuine item because the rare perfume just happened to be lying around Lindsay’s house…again. Once more, no real conflict. You didn’t spend the money. Give Mr. Belding his fucking money back and apologize for Christ’s sake!

But now we see the idiotic reason this subplot happened to begin with. The boys sneak in Mr. Belding’s office to retrieve the comic book. They find it, but the boys and girls surprise each other and Mr. Belding walks in. As they scramble to hide, the bottle conveniently breaks all over the comic.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h33m17s38Tommy D is the only one not able to find a hiding place in time so he takes the wrap, telling Mr. Belding, whose allergies conveniently cleared up when the plot demanded it, that he’s self-confessing to setting off stink bombs, which mean spankings for him.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h33m57s174After Mr. Belding and Tommy D leave, the gang discovers what’s happened to the comic and, in case you didn’t predict this like two minutes ago, it’s ruined.

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h35m22s0At The Max, Scott is bemoaning the fact he’s not getting laid tonight when the Dorkman brothers conveniently walk in with a pair of Janet Jackson tickets to give Megan and Vicki. The girls convince the brothers to give them the tickets and they will meet them there. Of course, the girls give Scott the tickets right as Rachel walks in, meaning that our heroes have defrauded someone twice in this episode. But…the Dorkman brothers only gave Megan and Vicki two tickets. Does this mean there’s going to be an orgy at the concert between Scott, Rachel, and the Dorkman brothers? Won’t Rachel figure out what happened when the brothers get pissed that their tickets were given away to someone else?vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h36m00s131No matter, because Rachel’s happy to go see Janet Jackson, Scott’s happy he may get laid, and the girls self-congratulate themselves on their last minute defrauding of the Dorkman brothers.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h36m08s214

Firsts: Rachel Meyers.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 9: “Good-bye Megan”

Silly me. When I saw the title for this episode, I assumed it would be a rip-off of “Aloha Slater.” How could I have been so naive? I should have known it would be a rip off of “Aloha Slater” AND “Pinned to the Mat” because, wouldn’t you know it, it’s career week at Bayside High!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m30s191And, oh look, Vicki wants to be Lorena Bobbitt when she grows up!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m48s120And Tommy D must be having a heart attack because Lindsay is listening to his heart and hearing it say words like, “I want to fuck your brains out!”vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m20s199Weasel loves the plumber’s booth because they’re giving away free toilets. Yeah, that makes complete sense.

But the important thing to remember this episode is that Megan wants to be a doctor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m32s58Meanwhile, in plot B, Milton and Kirby are signing up to be assistant principals for the week, because it’s totally acceptable to pull two students out of classes for an entire week just to help you.

And disaster strikes when the police chief calls and says that he can’t be the career week speaker because he was bitten by McGruff the Crime Dog, who is a person in an oversized dog costume. Oh, I wish this was the episode where Screech came back so I could speculate on whether it was him in that suit or not! But what ever will they do? Oh, through the power of plot contrivance, turns out Megan’s father is a famous judge who’s never been mentioned on the show before so Mr. Belding guilts her into asking him to be the speaker.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m01s171In Megan’s room, the girls are dancing very poorly…for some reason. But don’t worry. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in this episode, no sarcasm intended.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m38s37And in walks Megan’s father, Judge Thurston Jones, complaining about the racket those damned kids are making even though the music wasn’t turned up very loud. I do have to give credit where credit is due, though. It’s kind of clever having Judge Jones played by Bianca Lawson’s real-life father, Richard Lawson. You might recognize Lawson as a recurring character on such shows as All My ChildrenDynasty, and Chicago Story. Not that the target demographic would have watched any of these shows, but it’s still a neat nod.

The girls are getting ready to go see a movie with Christian Slater in a bathing suit (which causes the audience to lose their shit…) but before Megan leaves, Judge Jones asks to talk to her. Judge Jones is pissed that Megan is only making straight As and wants her to invent a new grade even higher. To that end, he’s pressuring her to go to a private school called Willowbrook Academy. This is because Megan wants to go to Harvard and we all know that no one who goes to Harvard ever comes from public school. Why that’s just preposterous!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h07m57s128The next day Megan’s pissed that no one wants to go to some career seminar with her because she finds it hard to believe not all teenagers obsess over their future careers. To that end, she has a fantasy sequence where she imagines everyone but her failing in life.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m08s6It’s twenty years down the road and Megan is a surgeon who wears scrubs to a class reunion because it’s her fantasy. Imagine, she probably had to rush over directly out of surgery and still has blood and tissue and ick all over her.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m25s176Tommy D is chief blimp inflator for Goodyear. Yeah…vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m39s58Lindsay is a waitress at The Max, married to Tommy D, and has become a Roseanne impersonator.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m57s203Scott is a pervy man-whore who wears short shorts and hangs out with bikini clad women at a hot tub all day.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-19h26m03s146Weasel is on the Olympic video game team, because I guess you need…really big, obviously fake thumbs to play video games in a non-existent Olympic sport.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h09m45s206And Vicki is a crazy cat lady who watches soap operas all day. Now this is a transformation I can actually believe!

What a bitch! Megan is fantasizing that all of her friends will fail miserably while she succeeds, just because they didn’t want to attend a stupid career seminar!

Mr. Belding calls Megan to his office as Kirby and Milton come around the corner giving Scott and Tommy D detention for not being in class. The only purpose of this scene seems to be to set up a plan for Scott and Tommy D to become the new assistant principals so they can get late passes.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h11m30s222In Mr. Belding’s office, Judge Jones shows up to tell Megan that she’s been accepted to Willowbrook Academy, because private schools always make such decisions in only a day.

The next day the gang is bemoaning Megan’s departure in two weeks (because it’s quite common to transfer in the middle of a semester apparently) as Milton and Kirby catch the gang out of class. Tommy D engages in some terroristic threatening to get them to quit, and it works like a charm. Charm is something not a one of these characters possess, though.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h13m05s128At The Max, Stephanie and Tracy, two students from Willowbrook, are talking to Megan about what it will be like there. The writers are trying to play these two characters off as Professor von Snickity Bitch and Mrs. Stickupherass, but they really just come off as mildly snobbish. When Lindsay, Vicki, and Weasel come in and meet them, they instantly don’t like the two because they’re mildly rude and call Weasel, “Hamster.” Haha I wish that was his name.

So, because the three don’t like these two girls, they instantly become convinced that Megan will be miserable at Willowbrook because Stephanie and Tracy are the only two students at this school. But they don’t want to ruin this opportunity for Megan so they decide to play it off as if they’re happy for her. And it’s not like Megan can just come hang out with her friends at The Max once she’s in a new school. After all, there’s a ban on students from other schools there. Well, except for all the students from other schools we’ve seen there.

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding appoints Scott and Tommy D the new assistant principals, but, instead of hallway monitor duty, he gives them trophy polishing duty, which includes the 1968 state yodeling championship trophy, which was earned by Mr. Belding and one Otto Huntmeyer. Force plot points in much? After all, this was the period when Mr. Belding was supposedly a rock music rebel.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h16m53s132The gang decide to throw a good-bye party for Megan at The Max as we enter “Aloha Slater” territory, and they were kind enough to invite all the nameless extras.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m03s233Why, good-bye, random nameless girl, I’ll miss you most of all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m13s81

And Kirby tries to sexually harass Megan by request a big sloppy kiss, saying he’ll miss being rejected by her. vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m35s36Meat is so broken up over the whole thing he can barely eat his meat. Lindsay and Vicki get her a sweater.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h18m28s67But, best of all, The Max has decided to dedicate a new sandwich in Megan’s honor, the Megan Mega-Monster Meatball Sub. First of all, how the hell does that have anything to do with Megan. Second, who, besides Meat, could possibly eat that entire sandwich? And how much would it cost?

The gang break down and reveal they don’t really want Megan to go because they’ll never see her again despite the fact that she’s not moving, and Tommy D even threatens to assault her if she leaves, which is kind of disturbing. Megan then breaks down and reveals she doesn’t really want to leave but Judge Jones has his heart set on it. And that could only mean one thing: time for a horrible Scott Erickson plan to change the judge’s mind.

At Bayside, Scott and Tommy D have tracked down Otto, Mr. Belding’s old yodeling partner, and arranged for a reunion in the middle of the school day because administrators can apparently take off randomly like that. Mr. Belding is worried about who will give Judge Jones a tour and they assure him that, as assistant principals, they will do it.

Really? This is the pay off of the stupid B-plot? It was all to accommodate a Scott Erickson plan? I want to reach through the screen and slap them all.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h20m58s19So the first part of the plan is for Scott and Tommy D to wear uniforms despite the fact that no one else in the school is wearing school uniforms.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h21m13s168And for Scott to talk in a really horrible posh sounding accent and brag about fake accomplishments that make Bayside better than Willowbrook.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m17s44This includes Vicki coming in and declaring that the Bayside polo team beat the Willowbrook team because I’m sure Judge Jones has completely forgotten that he knows Vicki.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m44s67And Lindsay announces fake clubs, such as the “Investment Banker’s Club” and the “Future United States Presidents.” Yeah, this doesn’t seem staged at all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h23m08s39But the worst is yet to come. Hello, casual racism, our old friend. See, Weasel has become an Indian foreign exchange student and immediately starts talking like Apu from The Simpsons if Apu had a sinus cold. And this is totally believable because there are lots of short white guys in India.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m05s104

And I don’t know which is worse: Weasel’s casual racism or Mr. Belding in lederhosen. Turns out The Max kicked him out for yodeling in the middle of their restaurant which, given the things we’ve witnessed there in the past, should not come as much of a surprise. Judge Jones starts recapping all the fake achievements Scott and Tommy D have been regaling him with and the gig is up.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m56s105They finally confess that the whole thing was an act and Judge Jones is all, “No shit, dumb ass!” He says he saw through it from the beginning but wanted to see how far they would take it. You know, Judge Jones may have just instantly become my favorite character on this show so far. He sees through the gang’s bullshit and he’s not afraid to berate them. Plus he’s played by a semi-successful actor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h26m00s232Judge Jones gives his speech to some assembled extras about how the facts alone aren’t always enough and sometimes you have to follow your heart. He says whatever career they choose, they will need honesty, determination, and the support of good friends, which means Megan is staying both because the season isn’t over yet and because she can’t possibly be friends with the people at Bayside if she’s going to another school. Everyone’s ecstatic that Megan’s staying and Judge Jones wraps up his speech by saying he’ll see them all again in three years when Megan graduates. I hate to break it to you, Judge Jones, but no, no you won’t.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h27m00s61

The New Class Season 1, Episode 8: “Belding’s Baby”

When I started reviewing this series, I said that you don’t need to know a lot about the later seasons of Saved by the Bell to understand this show. This is one of the rare exceptions. Basically, what you need to know to understand this episode is that Mr. Belding received a bundle of joy during the fourth season he named Zack and often refers to as “Little Zack.” That’s all you really need to know so I won’t spoil anymore. We’ll get to that episode sometime next year.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h11m49s223We open with Weasel in his natural environment, a trash can. He’s scared shitless because he says Mr. Belding has been acting even more crazed than usual handing out arbitrary punishments so, of course, the natural course of action was to hide in the trash can.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h12m25s75And, wouldn’t you know, right then Mr. Belding comes around the corner chasing the football team yelling at them for…tying their shoes in the hall? The hell…I would think even the writers of this show could come up with a better excuse for Mr. Belding to be mad at the football team than this.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h12m36s192Next Mr. Belding yells at Lindsay and Tommy D for holding hands in the hallway which, by Saved by the Bell audience standards, is probably like third base. He also gets on Megan for drinking soda in the hallway even though he admits that’s never been a rule before.

Scott asks Mr. Belding if there’s anything he can do to make Mr. Belding’s day better and Mr. Belding is all, “Fuck off! DETENTION!” He then throws Megan’s soda in the trash can and Weasel, being a dumb ass, throws it back out. Mr. Belding demands that both Scott and Weasel come to his office for spankings.

Yeah, not that one bit of this episode makes sense, but there’s a solution to this, kids. Go tell your parents and have them file a formal complaint with the school board. If the principal is acting this erratic, there are ways to reign him in. But that would be inconvenient to the plot.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h13m37s14In Mr. Belding’s office…whoa, check out that sweet Macintosh! We had one of those in my fifth grade class! It was such a step up from the Apple IIe computers we had before that we thought we were in heaven! What I wouldn’t give to be playing Oregon Trail on one of those right now rather than reviewing this crappy ass show!vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h14m19s129Anyway, the three enter Mr. Belding’s office as the phone is ringing. Mrs. Belding is on the other end and we learn that Mr. Belding is in a shitty ass mood because he hasn’t gotten any sweet poon on account of not being able to find a babysitter.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h15m08s164Scott, like a great white, smells blood in the water and volunteers himself and Weasel to watch Little Zack. He’s all, “I was president of the babysitter’s club at Valley, just like I was on the radio station even though that was a complete lie.” Since Mr. Belding’s completely clueless, he agrees to put the life of his infant son in incompetent hands if it means he might be able to get his dick wet.

At The Max, Scott is pissed that the girls all have lives of their own and don’t want to help do women’s work and babysit. So, it falls to Scott and Weasel to watch a helpless infant for the night.
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We cut to our folding chair movie theater where, because it’s one of the only sets available, Lindsay, Tommy D, Megan, and Vicki are all on dates as Weasel enters with a baby carriage that he proceeds to push down the stairs. Luckily, Little Zack was not inside and is, instead, being carried by the relatively more competent of the two, Scott. They decided that, since Little Zack was asleep, they would come see a movie because it makes complete sense to bring a sleeping baby to a loud movie.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h18m45s41Now, throughout this review, you’ll note that Little Zack’s facial expressions sum up what we’re all thinking about this episode in the moment, starting with this one: I’m so bored to death with this episode I could just fall asleep right now. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h19m22s150Followed by, “Why the hell do you have me in this shitty ass show? I want to go home and avoid being scarred for life!”

In perhaps the most predictable thing of this series to date, Little Zack starts crying in the theater, pissing off everyone else inside. Scott and Weasel try to get him to shut the hell up, but he’s all like, “Fuck you both. I’m gonna do what I want.” Weasel tries to give him some milk and Little Zack tells Weasel what he thinks of this.
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They finally take Little Zack out to the lobby, where they continue to be unsuccessful at getting him to accept his lot as an actor on The New Class. Then, a stranger comes up and starts serenading Little Zack with song.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h20m56s69Little Zack is all, “You’re pretty and you’re smart enough to never appear on this show again after this episode so I think I like you more than these dumb shits.” He stops crying and Scott instantly gets a hard on over this girl.

Turns out our girl is named Ashley Barrett and she’s a student at Pacific Coast High. Boy, The New Class is really inventing new schools left and right to create new plot contrivances. Ashley, rather than asking how Scott is related to the baby, assumes the baby is his little brother. Scott plays along and says that Mr. Belding is his father, which causes Weasel to have a stroke.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h22m03s225Ashley says her mom is a photographer and needs a model for a new diaper ad. Scott not only plays along but says that Little Zack has been on the cover of “Playbaby magazine.”

Let’s think about this for a moment, The New Class writers. You just implied that Scott is saying Mr. Belding’s infant son has been in a magazine which, judging by the title, is a NAMBLA publication. Of course, these writers think that holding hands is risqué so they’ve probably never seen an issue of Playboy and probably think it’s a toy catalog.

Scott is desperate to get his dick wet since Lindsay is selfish and won’t bump her boyfriend for him, so he agrees to bring some of Little Zack’s photos to the studio the next day. Oh, and Ashley just happens to have some of her mom’s business cards in her purse, which is very odd and convenient.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h23m25s235The next day, Mr. Belding is way too happy about having had an orgasm the night before. He and his wife apparently got it on at “Santa’s Village.” So…did they scar a bunch of kids for life?

Mr. Belding wants to know when Scott can babysit again and Scott offers to do so at lunch because it’s totally normal for a high school student to babysit his principal’s baby during the school day. Mr. Belding’s overjoyed at this news and gives Scott a bad touch.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h24m37s171 And not only is the gang babysitting Little Zack during the school day, but they’ve also cleared out a classroom to use for a photo shoot because the faculty and staff of Bayside are all high and didn’t notice them moving furniture out of a classroom.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h25m58s13The gang all start waving toys in Little Zack’s face trying to get him to smile, and Little Zack is all, “What the fuck am I doing here and why are you people in my face. I could be watching mother fuckin’ Teletubbies right now rather than dealing with this bull shit!” vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h26m14s169Weasel decides to try singing to Little Zack since it worked with Ashley and poor Little Zack just looks bewildered as Weasel sings the Gilligan’s Island theme song to him. Little Zack is all, “Fuck this shit! If it will get this dumb ass to shut the hell up, I’ll do anything! He smiles for the pictures and instantly becomes the most talented actor who’s appeared on this show so far.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-21h54m56s140At the photo studio, Ashley’s mom, Gwen, loves the photos and wants to schedule a photo shoot.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-21h56m33s98She wants to have the photo shoot at 1:00 pm tomorrow and Scott agrees because obviously he can just leave school at will with his principal’s baby. The complication, of course, is that there has to be an adult present, but Scott’s all, “Don’t worry! I’ll come up with a convoluted scheme to pull this off!”

We then have the most forced dream sequence to date in the franchise as Scott imagines what it would be like to be married to Ashley, a girl he’s known for two days.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h27m32s182And we get some of the most disturbing images of the franchise’s twelve year run as Scott imagines Ashley and his baby as being Mr. Belding dressed in baby clothes. Be horrified at what you are about to see. It may be more disturbing than any horror movie you’ll ever see.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h27m59s201 vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h28m32s19 vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h29m10s139 Did they really need an excuse to dress Dennis Haskins up as a baby? Was this a scene that we just couldn’t live without? I need to wash my eyes out with acid now.

At school the next day, Scott has the gang preparing to don disguises to help him with his scheme. The problem becomes that Mr. Belding has decided to dare to spend some quality time with his son. How dare him! Scott tells the others to go stall Gwen and Ashley while he and Tommy D go take care of Mr. Belding. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h31m12s85Why. Why is this happening. Why does anyone fall for anything these idiots say. Why is it in this universe any idiot can put on a bad disguise and fool a woman who appears to be intelligent into believing they’re Little Zack’s grandparents. WHY I ASK YOU? vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h31m40s110The stalling seems to be working at their end so let’s go find out what’s going with Mr. Belding.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h32m52s52Oh, look. His idea of bonding with his son is taking him to the shitty restaurant his teenaged students hang out at. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h33m10s35Mr. Belding is trying to feed Little Zack strained brussel sprouts. Little Zack is all, “Who the fuck do you think you are? Get that spoon out of my face before I shove it up your ass!”vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h33m52s193So Mr. Belding puts on a…bad bird hat? vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h35m00s59Little Zack is all, “Yo, you scaring me dawg! You had too much angel dust today! I want my real daddy before this psycho does something to me!”vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h35m24s41Scott and Tommy D rush in and tell Mr. Belding his car has an oil leak and a flat tire because that’s Tommy D’s thing: being Mr. Belding’s personal mechanic. Mr. Belding doesn’t buy the bull shit for once, though, since his wife has the car today. So, they make up an ego stroking story that he will buy: he is being photographed for the “Principal Dad of the Year” contest. Anything that inflates Mr. Belding’s sense of self-worth is believable, so they rush over to the photo studio just as Gwen is beginning to realize every person on this show is insane.

The bull shit lasts about a minute before Weasel sexually harasses Vicki in a closet and Mr. Belding finally gets a clue and wants to know what’s going on.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h37m31s29Scott comes clean and this entire episode was a big waste of time because Mr. Belding didn’t care about Little Zack being photographed and actually thought it was a good idea.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h38m52s70And, to top off the bull shit, Ashley is a complete dumb ass who has low self esteem and, despite Scott lying to her, thinks it’s sexy that he lied to be with her. And they share a kiss that makes the audience lose their shit. Of course, it’ll be the only kiss they’ll ever share since she’ll never be mentioned on the show again.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h39m03s196And we end with…Weasel seemingly still delusional that he’s Little Zack’s grandfather.

Little Zack says this episode was a huge pile of bullshit and a waste of everyone’s time involved and doesn’t understand how this show could have lasted seven years.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 7: “Homecoming King”

We open at a school assembly  being held in the gym, and all the students are sitting in metal folding chairs. Boy, the producers were really going all out for sets on this show. I thought the sets on the original series were bad but this is just pathetic.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h53m57s181 And what’s this important assembly announcing? Why, the candidates for homecoming king and queen of course! After all, that’s such a prestigious honor it requires an assembly of the entire school, or at least of all the regulars and as many extras as they could gather together. Mr. Belding asks Weasel for the suitcase with the nominations in it. I have no idea why Weasel has this or what it’s doing in a suitcase but I’m learning not to question things on this show. It only gives me a headache.

The nominees for homecoming queen are Lindsay and that slut Christie Lovejoy, whom we won’t see again in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h54m24s168And Tommy D apparently thinks he is a nominee for homecoming queen. After all, he stands up when the names are announced. He quickly realizes his mistake, though, and tries to play it off as being happy for Lindsay.

For homecoming king, the first nominee is Pervis Beetlebaum, whom we also won’t see again in this episode but was apparently named after a cross between Beetle Bailey and a new brand of lip ointment.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h55m02s36 The other nominee is Chad Westerfield, who we’ll unfortunately be seeing a lot of in this episode. Chad immediately begins trying to charm everyone, starting with our female regulars, insinuating he would fuck any one of them. He’s so transparently fake it’s any wonder why this plot has to happen at all. I wonder who played this douche canoe. Couldn’t be anyone of note. Let’s look at IMDB.

cyclopsYou’re kidding me, right? Please tell me you’re fucking kidding me. James Marsden, Cyclops in the X-Men films, played this idiot? How could someone famous and successful have gotten his start on this show? Isn’t putting this show on your resume an automatic career killer? My mind is blown. I’m okay with people getting their start in the original series, but THIS abomination? Jesus….

Anyway, we’re on to our other subplot of the episode: Lindsay’s mom not liking Tommy D. Lindsay’s all, “Tommy D, you just need to get to know my mother better. She’ll really like you once she realizes you have a trait or two different from Slater.”vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h56m21s33We cut to Lindsay’s room where, instead of making sweet passionate love, Tommy D and Lindsay are insulting the people of France through Tommy D’s horrible and insulting fake French accent, which is apparently required to speak French.

Lindsay’s mom walks in and Tommy D immediately insults her by calling her a “tres grande womano.” She says excuse me, which could mean she’s confused by his insulting attempt to speak broken French, but Lindsay says it’s because he called her a very big…womano. Also, Tommy D ate an entire chocolate cake that Lindsay’s mom had baked for desert. Is he the Alan of this series?vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h57m24s180After Tommy D leaves, Lindsay’s mom sits Lindsay down for a heart to heart about that not so fresh feeling women get. She also mentions something about falling behind in her advanced classes and the fact that being with her boyfriend every minute might not be the healthiest thing in the world. And I actually was liking Lindsay’s mom up until the point she tells Lindsay she’s too young to only be with one boy and should be more promiscuous. Yeah, that’ll solve all her problems.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h58m45s202At The Max, Chad is practically giving blow jobs to Milton, Kirby, and Weasel in exchange for their votes. Milton has high expectations and wanted to take Julia Roberts to the homecoming dance because Julia Roberts totally takes random high school clichés to dances. Weasel is showing his desperation like usual, and there’s a moment where Kirby, Milton, and Weasel all stare creepily at Megan as they imagine what it would be like to feel the touch of a woman. Chad says that he might ask Megan to the dance and, as he walks away, the three practically bow down at his feet and worship him as their new idol.

We then see Chad with some more random extras, where he explains that he’s only hanging around these losers to get votes, just in case you didn’t see through the transparency of this plot. Oh, and Chad thinks that homecoming king will look impressive on his high school record because ivy league schools always admit the homecoming king automatically. Fuck SATs scores and grades!

Weasel relays Chad’s interest in Megan, who gives the worst half-hearted giving a damn performance I’ve seen an actor do in this franchise yet.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h00m00s201The rest of the gang comes in and Tommy D is upset that Lindsay is going to date other guys. She insists that he’s the only one she truly wants inside of her but that she’s going to have to let other men have a go at her to satisfy her mom’s controlling whims.

Vicki gets the idea for Lindsay to only pretend to fuck someone else but to let Tommy D pinch hit at the last minute, and Scott is more than willing to volunteer for the job. Tommy D asks Scott whether he can trust him, apparently forgetting the events of the previous six episodes.
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We cut to our new favorite movie theater with the folding chairs, and Scott is kissing up to Lindsay in an effort to get in her pants. Between this and a cut to The Max, we realize that Scott misled Tommy D on where they would be so that he could do the nasty with Lindsay, and this surprises absolutely no one. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h02m24s89Just as Lindsay and Scott are about to kiss, Tommy D appears as the Great Gazoo and reminds Scott of his promise to be trustworthy. For the first time in this show, Scott feels guilty over something and decides to rush Lindsay back to The Max so that he can hopefully get a threesome going with Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h03m06s7Mr. Belding enters The Max with Lindsay’s mom and some other random adults whom are all supposed to be chaperons for the dance. Mr. Belding has brought them all here to treat them to coffee and waffles in appreciation for chaperoning the dance they haven’t chaperoned yet, because nothing spells appreciation for something you haven’t done yet like coffees and waffles at the place your kids hang out. We also get some throwaway lines about how Mr. Belding went to school with Lindsay’s mom and voted for her the year she became homecoming queen. Yeah, they’re apparently trying to go for the overbearing mother who wants a daughter just like her even though this goes absolutely nowhere the rest of the episode.

Scott and Lindsay rush into The Max and feign the worst surprise ever when they see Lindsay’s mom. Tommy D comes out with tunnel vision focused on the fact that he realizes Scott was trying to get in Lindsay’s pants, and he completely spills the plan for pinch hitting because he doesn’t bother to look two feet to his right. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h04m21s20Lindsay’s mom is pissed off that Lindsay lied to her, so naturally her solution is to continue to be an overbearing bitch and forbid Lindsay from going to the dance with Tommy D. Lindsay declares that her mom is an idiot and that if she can’t go with Tommy D she’s just not going, which is actually quite reasonable.

Back at Bayside, Weasel is acting uncharacteristically nonchalant about the possibility of Chad asking Megan to the dance, almost even acting happy for her, or as good of acting as this actor is capable of. Chad comes up and is about to ask Megan when Vicki interrupts them to report the plot we just saw in the last scene. Chad smells rebound sex and leaves to plot his fucking of Lindsay.

Meanwhile, Scott and Tommy D come in. Scott sits on top of a garbage can because it’s where he most feels at home as Tommy D tells him that Lindsay’s going to be homecoming queen and not even be there because that slut Christie Lovejoy can’t possibly win. Tommy D goes over and tells Lindsay that they should see other people and Lindsay just gives an unenthusiastic, uninspired, “If that’s how you feel.” Scott declares that he now knows what the “D” stands for. Um, I thought we established a couple episodes ago it was “De Luca” because that’s his last name. But Scott declares it means “decent dude,” because…I got nothing. I wish they would stop making puns about Tommy D’s last name. It’s getting really old. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h07m06s110 Meanwhile, because everything in Bayside High revolves around what’s going on in this episode, Chad comes in and interrupts the class to read a poem to the girl he’s going to ask to the dance. Of course, as the poem is read, Megan is convinced it’s going to be her because it has such inspired lyrics.

There is a man who would be king,
Who searched round every corner,
To find the girl who’d make him sing,
Now he’s found her, Lindsay Warner.

Truly an inspired piece of literature ranking up there with the sonnets of Shakespeare and the odes of Keats.

Megan runs out crushed, and Weasel is there to swoop in and comfort her. He asks her to the dance and, since everyone else is breaking character during this episode, she accepts.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h09m27s218Meanwhile, Scott and Vicki have hatched a plan to elect Tommy D homecoming king, because that will apparently solve the subplot with Mrs. Warner. It involves Scott taking one of the regular female nerds of the series, Claire, to the dance and really kissing her and her friends’ asses so that they will write in Tommy D. And, since no one in this universe has any semblance of reason, they don’t see through it.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h10m35s145 Vicki’s role involves taking Meat to the dance, who is busy devouring a cupcake since his thing is eating. Maybe he’s actually Alan! By buttering Meat up she successfully secures the dumb jock vote.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h12m13s104Weasel gets Mr. Belding out of his office on the pretense that someone has dumped detergent in the swimming pool because that’s a believable thing in the Saved by the Bell universe. Scott and Chad come in, and Scott tells Chad that he’s worried Tommy D will be elected. Chad is all, “Tommy D’s a dumb jock while I’m…a dumb womanizing douche! Douches rule jocks any day!” Scott turns on the microphone for the PA system as Chad insults every clique at Bayside.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h13m46s15And every clique at Bayside reacts completely logically by throwing paper at the PA speaker. Check out #65 in the foreground there who’s all, “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?”vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h14m33s230Scott takes one more pot shot at Chad by taking a page from the Zack Morris book and putting a conveniently pre-printed, “I’m a Jerk” sign on Chad’s back because he just happened to have those in case he ever needed to use them.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h14m55s186Thank god it’s finally time to show this dance rather than just keep talking about it, and things are getting crazy up in this bitch as the random muzak that plays at every Bayside dance is in full swing! And, wouldn’t you know it, we’re starting off with Mr. Belding and Weasel showing off their dance moves.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h15m27s8Claire is quite literally dancing on Scott’s feet. I love her pink Chuck Taylors here but I have to ask: when were these “geekish” things? As far as I know, Chuck Taylors have always been a hipster thing.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h15m34s76Meat has some meat in hand and some cole slaw in his pants that he promptly offers Lindsay a bite of. That sentence is wrong on so many levels.

Meanwhile, Lindsay apparently went deaf when Chad insulted the whole school earlier because neither one of them seem to have any idea why everyone else is glaring at Chad.

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And finally it’s time to find out the results of the homecoming election. The winner of homecoming queen is a write in candidate, Megan. Scott asks how this could possibly have happened and Kirby tells him that Megan went to the dance with a geek and they all want to fuck her, so all the geeks voted for her. So…why didn’t they vote for Scott for homecoming king using that logic?

Megan tells Lindsay she’s sorry Lindsay lost and Lindsay tells Megan that, if she had to lose, she’s glad it was to Megan, which is a hell of a lot nicer than how Megan and Vicki acted when they lost to Lindsay a few episodes ago.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h17m40s49Of course, Tommy D wins homecoming king and…what the hell is he wearing? Weasel is supposed to be the nerd but does Tommy D really feel this is appropriate dance attire?

Chad calls Tommy D a loser and Lindsay tell Chad to fuck off because Tommy D is a good lay.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h18m25s239Tommy D says he doesn’t want to be homecoming king if Lindsay can’t be his queen and Mr. Belding declares Chad the winner because the producers didn’t want to give Pervis Beetlebaum any lines.

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Mr. Belding says it’s time for the traditional king and queen dance, but Megan breaks tradition because she ain’t nobody’s rebound fuck! She shows Chad up by dancing with Weasel instead. *snap* *snap* And what do you want to bet that Weasel and Megan are back in their usual adversarial relationship next week?

Lindsay’s mom says she was wrong about Tommy D and that she wants a piece of that hot flannel clad piece of ass now.

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Even though it hasn’t been mentioned the rest of the episode that Vicki still wants Scott’s hot man chowder, Scott cuts in on Vicki and Meat and gives Vicki the time of her life. Mr. Belding gets it on with Lindsay’s mom, and Chad gets his comeuppance in the form of Meat spilling punch on his white jacket, because dry cleaning is apparently a sufficient punishment for how much of an asshole he was the whole episode. I guess this is why Cyclops was driven from society and became a part of the X-Men: to get revenge on Bayside for his dry cleaning bill.

Firsts: Claire, Scott isn’t an asshole.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 6: “George Washington Kissed Here”

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h09m36s180 We open with some crap from Scott about how drama club is only for dorks just as, you guess it, some stereotypical nerds come running out to sign up.  The writers do realize they’re asking these actors to make fun of themselves in this, right?vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h10m04s227 Weasel signs up declaring how theater is his life, just like being a football manager was his life, or being the engineer at the school radio station. This is his newest life, though, since he apparently played both Dopey and the Princess in a presentation of Snow White. Disturbing.

Scott is feeling smug that he’s correctly identified the demographic of people who enjoy theater when Lindsay comes out and signs up, declaring she needs a way to express herself besides all the other things she does. And Tommy D is behind her moping about how blah blah blah theater is for geeks, prompting Scott to sniff out an opportunity and sign up.

In a great comedy of errors, Vicki sees Scott signing up for the drama club so she signs up as well because she wants to see Scott in tights. Megan’s face says it all.

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h48m20s83Tommy D has apparently become Mr. Belding’s private mechanic because he calls Tommy D to the office asking him to look at his car again. I haven’t commented on it much but this is turning into a recurring thing. Isn’t there something kind of illegal about taking students out of classes to work on your personal vehicle?

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h11m51s24 Apparently Mr. Belding’s ’75 Chevette leaked oil all over Mr. Belding’s hands so he needs Tommy D to fix it.

So, to recap, a bunch of people are signing up for Drama Club and Tommy D is fixing Mr. Belding’s car. Exciting stuff. Maybe Miss Simpson will liven things up by coming out and giving Scott a random lap dance.

In walks the nerds followed by Lindsay and Scott, who are distraught because the producers didn’t want to fork out the money to get the actor who played Mr. Bainbridge back so there’s no one to direct the school play, a historical pageant. Mr. Belding is all, “No worries, kids! I’m an all around renaissance man for roles on this show we have no one else to play!”

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h57m56s22At try outs, Milton is reading for the part of Thomas Jefferson while Weasel is reading for the part of Benjamin Franklin, and Weasel puts a literal Looney Tunes light bulb above Milton’s head to emphasize…Milton is light on his feet? I don’t know.

Next there’s a really boring audition with Lindsay playing Martha Washington and Vicki playing Betsy Ross. And proving that The New Class writers also wrote this fake play, every line they read is expository about Revolutionary War facts.

Scott tells Mr. Belding that his play is boring as shit and that he needs to play to the MTV generation, to which Mr. Belding declares he never misses an episode of Beavis and Butt-head and proceeds to do the most disturbing impression of Butt-head I’ve ever seen in my life.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h14m50s14Scott makes some changes to the script that naturally lead to a scene being written in where he makes out with Lindsay on-stage just as Tommy D walks in. Mr. Belding interrupts them before Scott can get to first base, about to declare that the changes are even more dumb than the original stupid script, but everyone else likes them so he gives in to high school student pressure.

In the next scene, Mr. Belding already has the cast list out. Weasel was cast as Benjamin Franklin while Megan was cast as “Mrs. Franklin.”  In case you’re wondering who the historical Mrs. Franklin was, her name was Deborah Read Franklin and she suffered a number of unfortunate strokes that lead to slurred her speech and degenerated her memory. Oh, and she died two years before her husband signed the Declaration of Independence. But I don’t expect anyone connected with this show to bother to take the five minutes to look up historical facts in an encyclopedia.

Scott has been cast as George Washington and thinks Lindsay is his Martha Washington, but she already knew that she was going to have the role and Tommy D convinced her to give it to Vicki instead, because cast members of a play can totally trade roles at their own whims without the approval of the director.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h17m24s16At The Max, Weasel is doing his best Donald Duck impersonation and offers to help Scott with his love scenes. The hell? Did Weasel just make a pass at Scott?

Scott decides he needs to convince Vicki that kissing him will give her the dreaded “Bolivian guacamole” disease which, since Vicki is both a dumb shit and a hypochondriac, freaks her the hell out.

At rehearsal, Vicki still shows up to play Martha Washington. Somehow school nurses in this universe are qualified to give vaccines for fake diseases so Vicki convinced the nurse to give her a vaccine for Bolivian guacamole disease.

Weasel comes in and tells Scott he found out Franklin was a ladies’ man. The hell? They took the time to find out Franklin was an adulterer and womanizer but they couldn’t take the time to find out his wife died two years before the events of this play? Anyway, this gives Scott an idea and he convinces Mr. Belding there needs to be a love triangle between George, Ben, and Martha, because, since we’re throwing out any semblance of historical accuracy anyway, might as well go all out.

The thought of kissing Weasel naturally makes Vicki throw up a little so she instantly decides to trade roles with Lindsay…again…because, once again, you can totally do that in a play!

So this leads to a scene at Lindsay’s house involving Scott and Lindsay practicing their lines. Proving once again that Saved by the Bell audiences are the most easily pleased people in the world, Lindsay gives Scott a shoulder massage and they fucking go nuts. Of course, I’m more distracted by the gay pride pound cake on the wall behind them.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h21m22s90Tommy D barges into Lindsay’s room during the back rub and threatens to rearrange Scott’s face. Proving yet again that Lindsay is the only person who doesn’t see how much of a dick Scott is, she, at Scott’s insistence, pulls the “Why don’t you trust me?” card and Tommy D leaves.

Apparently Tommy D and Weasel passed each other in the hallway without even acknowledging one another because Weasel comes in next to practice his scenes  with Lindsay. Lindsay tells Scott to get the hell out because it’s time for another creeper to have a go.

Oh, and there’s this.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h22m38s104

Next scene, Tommy D manipulates Mr. Belding into writing him into the play so he can keep Scott away from his property. Yeah, that’s really all that happens besides a brief schizophrenic scene of Mr. Belding practicing all the lines alone on stage.

So it’s another rehearsal and Scott is about to kiss Lindsay when Tommy D breaks in playing one of George Washington’s soldiers to interrupt them. Scott is hella pissed that Tommy D is cock blocking him from kissing Tommy D’s girl.

After a commercial break, Lindsay is pissed that Tommy D is preventing Scott from kissing her and thinks he’s a selfish jack ass.

Meanwhile, Scott and Weasel conspire to put dry ice under the hood of Mr. Belding’s car in the hopes he’ll think something is wrong with it and get Tommy D to go fix it. Scott asks Weasel if he’s sure it’ll work and Weasel replies, “Positive-o-mundo.” Where the hell did the writers get their slang from?

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There’s a quick pointless gag about Weasel dropping the lid under the lockers, which are a foot off the ground so there should be no problem retrieving it, all the while trying to keep Mr. Belding from seeing the dry ice. In other words, lots of time wasting. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h27m55s177So it’s the moment no one’s been waiting for: the play. Weasel and Megan’s scene is pointless and involves Ben Franklin’s dead wife bickering about Franklin’s inventions and propensity to think up all his Poor Richard’s Almanac proverbs in one sitting. And there’s a light bulb again. But the audience goes fucking nuts about it, which leads me to one conclusion: they’re all high. That’s the only way they could like this, improvised character shtick and all.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h28m23s144Then we have an equally pointless scene involving Vicki as Betsy Ross once again trying to kiss Scott, and the audience loves it, meaning they must have lit up another joint.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h29m06s114Tommy D is waiting backstage to tell Scott he better back up off his property, and Scott’s all, “Bitch, I’m going to get me some Lindsay poon tonight!” Megan is inexplicably hiding behind the curtain and chews Tommy D out for wanting to punch a jerk who’s trying to steal his girl.

Mr. Belding rushes in begging Tommy D to go check on his precious car, Tommy D apologizes to Lindsay and goes off to look at said car, Lindsay runs after Tommy D despite the fact she’s due on stage momentarily. Yeah, this is a really boring episode.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h31m03s11Scott comes out and prepares to kiss Lindsay but discovers that, somehow, Vicki has changed from a Betsy Ross outfit to a Martha Washington outfit in a matter of minutes. She kisses Scott, the audience loses their shit, everyone comes out revealing that Lindsay changed into a soldier in a matter of minutes, Tommy D tells us that the dry ice has been removed and he and Lindsay patched things up…on stage…during the play…in front of the audience. Yeah, this is really how quick they’re trying to wrap up all the threads of this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h32m01s65They sing a horrible song for Mr. Belding to the tune of “Yankee Doodle:”

Mr. Belding went to town riding in a Chevy

Smoke came out beneath his hood and made his heart feel heavy.

Mr. Belding, it’s ok, Tommy will protect her.

Even if your car’s in heat, you’re still a great director!

They do realize that last line has a different implication, right?

Oh, and only our seven main characters apparently deserve a curtain call, because all the extras conveniently disappear, leaving our characters alone on stage bowing as the credits come on.

The hell did I just watch? It was like Saved by the Bell with ADD.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 5: “Love is on the Air”

This week I’ve been watching a show that I’m only now getting into despite it being on the air for four seasons: AMC’s The Walking Dead. I can’t tell you how amazing this show is. It has everything: drama, action, suspense, zombies, amazing writing, and superb casting. It’s become one of my new favorite TV shows and I highly recommend it. Knowing that after watching The Walking Dead I was going to review a The New Class episode, especially another Weasel episode, made it all the more painful. The Walking Dead is an example of what to do right in a series. The New Class is an example of what not to do.

*sigh* Let’s get this over with.


vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h22m26s179We open with Scott doing what Scott does best: stare desperately and lecherously at a bunch of girls coming out of a study hall. “Won’t one of them let me lose my cursed virginity?” Scott asks as they pass him by without a second look.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h23m48s245But then Scott swoons in as the true desire of his affections comes out and takes a drink from a water fountain. “How can I get into the Babe Study Hall so I can stare lustfully at that hunka hunka burning love, Weasel, all period,” Scott asks. Weasel nervously reads Scott’s mind and tells him he needs to join an activity because, for whatever reason, girl’s sports teams and the crew of the school radio station are in the study hall. And Weasel uses the phrase, “Exact-a-mundo,” which makes me believe there’s a middle aged man writing the script who saw an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and thinks that’s how teenagers talk. “Only the white wizard, Belding, can get me into the radio station crew,” Scott thinks to himself. And, as if by magic, the white wizard himself appears in the hallway. “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott says, “I wish you to grant me the favor of working for the school radio station so I can be rid of the curse of never being touched by a woman.” “So sorry, Scott,” Belding says. “Even though our radio station isn’t a commercial station and is here for vocational purposes, the great and powerful school board wants to shut it down due to bad ratings, much like the first season of Saved by the Bell: The New Class.” “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott replies wishfully, “allow me the pleasure of being in the legendary Babe Hall and I shall get good ratings for thy vocational radio station, just as I did for Valley in the long, long ago.” vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h28m43s117And so the great Belding did grant young Erickson’s request, and he discovered the first issue with the radio station: the blond wench Jenny Turner was reading from generic middle English sounding library book that never actually existed. And she was infatuating the love of his life, Weasel. She truly was a witch, and must be burned at the stake. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h29m52s41Then Vicki, the cowardly lion, did approach Scott, making uncomfortable sexual advances towards him. But Scott’s heart had been won by young Weasel, and none would get in the way of true love.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h30m11s236It was then the great wizard himself did push Weasel away from the engineer’s panel to start a call in show for other young knights to ask him a question. But none dared approach the great wizard, for he held the great power to bring Dustin Diamond into the cast next season. The next day in the legendary Babe Hall, Scott did recruit the fair maiden Lindsay to run a love call-in show on the radio station. But the dumb ogre Tommy D did protest. “Lindsay is my property!” he exclaimed angrily. “She shall not run a call in show without me!” And so the two set off on a quest to bring cheesy love songs to the young lovers at Bayside. But all was not well with the maiden and the ogre, for Tommy D did not want to play the magical tunes of the great court musician Michael Bolton because all music on a radio station must be music he likes. The maiden and the ogre did bolt out of the radio booth just as their show is about to start, and we are confronted by the unfortunate fact that Weasel has lost his hearing for he could not hear them fight. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h34m03s218Weasel did not know what to do, so he cleverly invented himself into the apothecary of affection, Dr. Love, on the spot. The wench Jenny Turner was on the other line, desiring to put a curse on a boy who had used her to consummate a relationship with her older sister. Weasel did not know what to do, so he turned to the great book of The Brady Bunch for sage advice and told the wench about a situation between the mythical sisters Jan and Marsha Brady, whom legend had it once fought over a young sire before fading into obscurity.

Scott doth think that Dr. Love is a stupid idea until the magical line orbs on the telephone all appear in full illumination, indicating that the apothecary has clients waiting to be seen.

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The maiden, the ogre, the wench, and the cowardly lion then came outside the radio station, all wanting to know the secret identity of Dr. Love. Because young Scott wanted the doctor for a private appointment, he put his hand over the apothecary’s mouth to prevent him from telling, but he forgot his chloroform today so he’ll have to find another way of kidnapping him.

“You must never tell you are the apothecary,” Scott did tell Weasel, “for, on the day you tell, you will surely die, or at least lose your listeners.”
vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h37m01s238In Babe Hall, the wench did attack Weasel, demanding to know whether the apothecary has a big penis. Weasel did resist her advances, for his heart belongs to the bitch Megan. But, because Megan is Lady Not-Appearing-In-This-Episode, Weasel doth consider the possibility of getting it on the wench.

The wench then used her magic of flattery on the apothecary, sending him into a dream-like state.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h38m31s124And it is truly magic, for in the trance, the apothecary hath been transformed into…gay Superman? The wench’s spell did tempt the apothecary with visions of hot women fawning over his pillowed muscles, but Scott, seeing his love in distress, did come to his aid and, through the magic of slapping, break the spell on Weasel.

At the radio station, the apothecary did advise the cowardly lion to ask out the object of her affections. But then the apothecary is tempted by young Scott to use his powers for evil to break up the maiden and the ogre, urging him to demand an apology from the maiden for her terrible crime of playing bad early nineties light rock.

But then the wench did appear on the line, trying to enchant the apothecary with her magical powers. Scott, sensing the wench’s advances, did hang up on her, sending the apothecary into a depressed state.

vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h42m57s208At the fortress of never eaten hamburgers, the wench, the maiden, and the cowardly lion are swooning over Dr. Love. The cowardly lion then revealed that the object of her affections is Scott, and Scott, to make it appear the apothecary’s power is greater than it is, did accept her invitation to a date at the moving pictures establishment. And, by coincidence, the ogre is also taking the maiden there, as is the apothecary taking the wench, whom he delivered a note of appreciation.

vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h43m50s157Though this past Friday in our last stunning tale of bravery on Saved by the Bell, we did see the set designers use a convincing movie theater set, this week we see the effects of the dreaded budget cutbacks as vandals did raid the moving picture house and steal the comfy chairs, thus forcing the proprietors of this fine establishment to use folding chairs to save money.

The ogre did appear with the maiden demanding an apology for her taste in music, and the maiden did tellleth him to fuck offeth. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h44m31s122And the cowardly lion did squeeze young Scott so hard his intestines did relocate to his head.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h44m36s185Then, the apothecary did appear disguised as Vladimir Lenin, Secret Agent, and he finds the wench, who does not recognize him as the only student of the school with a bad afro.

There commences lots of waste of time as the ogre doth pursue the apothecary as he purchases popcorn in the theater market, all in hopes of beating the crap out of him, and young Scott, not wanting his dream date to have his face smashed in, diverts the ogre’s attention.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h46m45s190The apothecary doth return with the popcorn and commences to convince the wench that Weasel is a sexy and fuckable sire. The wench doth laugh to see such sport, however, and the young Weasel ran away far too soon. And the audience doth halfheartedly aww-eth.

At The Max the next day, the apothecary is nowhere to be found, and women with no mind of their own as to how to form a congenial courtship doth pursue Scott demanding that he produce Dr. Love.  Everyone doth want the apothecary back on the air, including the great wizard, who has pursued Scott in the great off campus to demand the apothecary be put back on the air.

Weasel walketh into The Max and Scott asks him where he’s been because he has a present in his pants for him and he needs him on the air for a steamy radio broadcast. Weasel replies that he is not a true apothecary and, henceforth, will not put on pretenses of being one.

At the station, Scott is trying to become a doctor of philosophy by putting on pretenses of being Professor Amore, which he apparently believes to be a German name by his accent. The wench, the ogre, and the maiden doth desire an appointment with the true apothecary, though, and Weasel walks into the studio prepared for a final broadcast. The apothecary reveals that he is truly Weasel, which horrifies the wench, the maiden, and the ogre, but especially the wench..

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Weasel doth tell the listeners to follow their hearts and love will find a way and other clichés.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h51m15s73And Weasel’s speech doth move the girls of the Babe Hall to consider him a fuckable stud muffin, which the writer of this blog doth bet will not be mentioned again after this episode, just like young Weasel’s brief football career. Poor Scott is dejected that he has lost his Weasel once again, and even more dejected that the great wizard has commanded him to leave Babe Hall so he can co-host a radio show with the wizard. Alas, no more staring lustfully at Weasel in Babe Hall for Scott.