We open in the hallway with Maria and Tony excited to be finished with a final exam. Tony is all, “TONY RIP NOTES NOW!” and rips up his notes just as Eric comes out to tell him he’s an idiot and picked up his trigonometry note. Oh, Tony, you’re going to go out of this franchise just as big an idiot as you came in, aren’t you?
Nicky and Katie brag all about their superior relationship that’s going to transcend their time at Bayside and how he can’t wait to show her around New York, which I assume is code for hot fucking. We finally find out that Nicky’s going to NYU for film studies even though he’s never expressed this interest before while Katie’s going to Columbia for journalism. Katie’s got to stop home before lunch, though, so she can find out how much of a scholarship she’s getting and whether there will be conflict about it this week.
We open to discover that, once again, a random adult has wandered into Bayside and is just walking around the halls like they belong there. Were schools really this unsafe in the 1990s? I don’t remember my high school being so irresponsible, but who knows. He walks up to some random teenagers in the hallway who look like they may be getting paid for this episode to ask them where Mr. Belding is rather than going to the office and having him paged like a normal person.
Turns out this is Brian Campbell, an old frat brother of Mr. Belding’s, and he starts just telling stories about Mr. Belding to these kids he just met because that’s not creepy and shit. He says that was a long time ago, though, and he’s sure Mr. Belding doesn’t have an incompetent administrative assistant who makes him do stupid shit.
Why, no, no, I don’t, because, last time Bayside had a prom for a group of students deemed worthy to be followed around by cameras, it was fucking stupid. I’m sure it will be just as idiotic this time, but, if I’m to get through these last four episodes, I have to endure it anyway.
We open to find Eric singing creepily to random extras, presumably because Anthony Harrell’s finally cracking under the insanity of being in this stupid fucking show. Turns out he’s happy the characters are going to get to announce where they’re going to college, just in case NBC loses their mind and decide they want to try The College Years again. I have two questions: why is Eric just now getting his acceptance letter (and is it a legit university) and why are they doing this as if none of them have heard this in the clunkiest way possible. Writing, people! Writing!
Well, we’re near the close of the season so that means it’s time for…semester finals. Okay, I guess that could work. We’ve only got a couple episodes left until finals. Let’s see where our brilliant writers go with this. I’m sure, knowing this show, it will be competent and Emmy worthy.
We open at Bayside as Tony is all, “TONY ACE HISTORY TEST! ERIC GIVE TONY KISS NOW!” Eric gets the fuck out of the way and pushes Maria into Tony’s kiss instead because no one really wants to kiss him.
Christmas has come early for me this year for this might be the most unintentionally hilarious episode this show has ever had. Seriously, I haven’t laughed so much at an episode of this franchise since “Pipe Dreams.” Oh, where has this episode been for the last 137 stupidly boring fucking episodes of this series?
We’re at the mall this week as the horrible pun in the title might suggest, and we open to find Mr. Belding chewing Screech out for trying to bring food into Gadgets & Gizmos despite his new clearly posted sign. Screech promptly stuff his sandwich in his face and proceeds on his way because he already knows Mr. Belding isn’t going to do shit to him at this point in the series.
Oh, the irony. The camera pans over a sign above the doors that says, “Through these doors pass the finest cadets in training.” Then, in walk six horrible, horrible characters talking about how this is their last week at the academy. How long were they there? How are they getting any of their graduation requirements in if they keep going off on random months away from school? Why do I expect any of this to make sense at this point?
Captain Lopez is back this week to introduce us to our horrible gimmick: a cadet competition in which Katie hopes she gets to beat a confession out of a suspect. Yeah, finest cadets ever..
We’re back at the mall this week to find Liz randomly announcing that the mall’s sponsoring a grudge match between two random, nameless employees who don’t know how to settle their differences on their own. Yeah, this is the most contrived excuse for a subplot. It’s even contrived for this show and that’s how you know it’s bad. It’s basically around to give Liz and Eric something to do since Liz wants Eric to be a referee or some shit. He’s initially hesitant to get involved in such a stupid subplot, but he eventually agrees when he realizes a couple pretty girls are going to be ring girls.
I’m just going to give a disclaimer first. I laughed outright at the ridiculousness and absurdity of this episode several times upon my first viewing. This episode is such a cluster fuck of contrivance that it’s difficult to take seriously on any level.
We open at the academy with Mr. Belding meeting Magnum. Sergeant Meinhart tells him that Magnum is a vicious police dog and Mr. Belding better keep his distance.
Unfortunately for me, Christmas has not come early as Magnum doesn’t try to rip Screech’s face off when Screech comes in and immediately just starts fucking with a police dog. Sergeant Meinhart tells him to fuck off and leave Magnum alone so he can get his training in.
Just when you were hoping this could be the season without any away from Bayside episodes other than the obligatory mall episodes, this piece of crap comes along. Yes, welcome to the police academy arc, because if there’s ever something I wanted to see, it’s these fucking morons learning how to be cops, as if cops need any more bad publicity today. Also, I’m pretty sure firefighters receive very different training from cops and would not share an academy, but what do I know; I’m just a bitter internet reviewer who’s been watching way too much of The New Class.
Our episode opens with Eric pacing the floor at The Max and holding an envelope. What could he be so nervous about opening you ask? College acceptance papers? SAT scores? Something else? No, it’s from a record label who actually took the time to listen to his demo tape and is writing to say he sucks ass. In what’s becoming a running theme the last two seasons, a character starts saying insensitive shit that makes the character feel worse, in this case, Liz reminding him that Michael Jackson was a superstar by the time he was Eric’s age. I’m not sure if the writers think that a character being a jerk to another character is funny, but it just comes off as uncomfortable.