Last year, I concluded my reviews of the original class by counting down the best and worst episodes from the three series featuring them. I knew, from the beginning, I wanted to give that sort of treatment for The New Class as well. The problem is there’s only two episodes from this series I actually like. “What’s the Problem?” from season three is actually a very well written episode and the highlight of the series for me, proving the writers could pull off very special episodes, while season seven’s “A Mall Shook Up” is just so ridiculous and over the top that I put it in the “so bad it’s good” category.
Recapping these two seasons may be one of the most boring things I do for this blog, as these were two of the most boring installments of this franchise I’ve watched. Really, there just wasn’t a lot going on to piss me off like in past seasons other than general incompetence. It just seemed to be the show coasting along for two more years so they could milk every bit of this cash cow they could.
At this point, this show had long outstayed its welcome, and any possibility of laughs and redemption had died a slow, painful death. The six “teenagers” had long since grown up, all of whom were in their late teens and early twenties by this point, and you can tell they’re just absolutely bored by the horribly cliched scripts they’re being forced to deal with. And, by this time, Mr. Belding and Screech just look like they’re trying to do whatever stupid shit they can to remain relevant in a franchise that passed them by ages ago.
A while back, I received an intriguing request in a comment: would I do a ranking of characters from The New Class in terms of best to worse? I decided back then that this would be one of my final articles on the show as it really will be the best way to look back on the many, many characters we’ve been exposed to on this show over the years.
I’m ranking from best to worse, so number one is my favorite while number seventeen is my least favorite. Also, I’m not including Mr. Belding or Screech on this list as I will be dealing with them at another time. So, without further adieu, here’s my ranking! Please, feel free to disagree with my reasoning in the comments!
I’ve really been putting off this episode. After watching these idiots graduate last week, it really feels like a step backwards to go back and do this out of order episode. I want this show to be over already! Can’t I just give my summary of what I know this episode will be like: the gang are idiots, Tony has some bad acting, Screech acts like a moron, and everyone learns a valuable lesson in the end?
I guess you’re going to make me review it, huh. Well, here’s to the final episode of this god damned awful series…
We open in the hallway with Maria and Tony excited to be finished with a final exam. Tony is all, “TONY RIP NOTES NOW!” and rips up his notes just as Eric comes out to tell him he’s an idiot and picked up his trigonometry note. Oh, Tony, you’re going to go out of this franchise just as big an idiot as you came in, aren’t you?
Nicky and Katie brag all about their superior relationship that’s going to transcend their time at Bayside and how he can’t wait to show her around New York, which I assume is code for hot fucking. We finally find out that Nicky’s going to NYU for film studies even though he’s never expressed this interest before while Katie’s going to Columbia for journalism. Katie’s got to stop home before lunch, though, so she can find out how much of a scholarship she’s getting and whether there will be conflict about it this week.
We open to discover that, once again, a random adult has wandered into Bayside and is just walking around the halls like they belong there. Were schools really this unsafe in the 1990s? I don’t remember my high school being so irresponsible, but who knows. He walks up to some random teenagers in the hallway who look like they may be getting paid for this episode to ask them where Mr. Belding is rather than going to the office and having him paged like a normal person.
Turns out this is Brian Campbell, an old frat brother of Mr. Belding’s, and he starts just telling stories about Mr. Belding to these kids he just met because that’s not creepy and shit. He says that was a long time ago, though, and he’s sure Mr. Belding doesn’t have an incompetent administrative assistant who makes him do stupid shit.
Why, no, no, I don’t, because, last time Bayside had a prom for a group of students deemed worthy to be followed around by cameras, it was fucking stupid. I’m sure it will be just as idiotic this time, but, if I’m to get through these last four episodes, I have to endure it anyway.
We open to find Eric singing creepily to random extras, presumably because Anthony Harrell’s finally cracking under the insanity of being in this stupid fucking show. Turns out he’s happy the characters are going to get to announce where they’re going to college, just in case NBC loses their mind and decide they want to try The College Years again. I have two questions: why is Eric just now getting his acceptance letter (and is it a legit university) and why are they doing this as if none of them have heard this in the clunkiest way possible. Writing, people! Writing!
Well, we’re near the close of the season so that means it’s time for…semester finals. Okay, I guess that could work. We’ve only got a couple episodes left until finals. Let’s see where our brilliant writers go with this. I’m sure, knowing this show, it will be competent and Emmy worthy.
We open at Bayside as Tony is all, “TONY ACE HISTORY TEST! ERIC GIVE TONY KISS NOW!” Eric gets the fuck out of the way and pushes Maria into Tony’s kiss instead because no one really wants to kiss him.
Christmas has come early for me this year for this might be the most unintentionally hilarious episode this show has ever had. Seriously, I haven’t laughed so much at an episode of this franchise since “Pipe Dreams.” Oh, where has this episode been for the last 137 stupidly boring fucking episodes of this series?
We’re at the mall this week as the horrible pun in the title might suggest, and we open to find Mr. Belding chewing Screech out for trying to bring food into Gadgets & Gizmos despite his new clearly posted sign. Screech promptly stuff his sandwich in his face and proceeds on his way because he already knows Mr. Belding isn’t going to do shit to him at this point in the series.
Oh, the irony. The camera pans over a sign above the doors that says, “Through these doors pass the finest cadets in training.” Then, in walk six horrible, horrible characters talking about how this is their last week at the academy. How long were they there? How are they getting any of their graduation requirements in if they keep going off on random months away from school? Why do I expect any of this to make sense at this point?
Captain Lopez is back this week to introduce us to our horrible gimmick: a cadet competition in which Katie hopes she gets to beat a confession out of a suspect. Yeah, finest cadets ever..